Family Guy 8x17

1. Hurry up. We still have to swing by Wyndham's before they close.

2. Relax. I'm almost done.

3. And why do you have a safety deposit box anyway?

4. What's in there that you can't bury in the yard?

5. I have things.

6. You have a dead bird in there?

7. What are you gonna do with that?

8. I was gonna take it home, show it to Lois, make her proud of me.

9. Hey, I'm starving. You want to grab a late lunch?

10. Can't. I'm Jenny Craig-ing. Already paid for the meals.

11. And if I want to return this sweater,

12. we've got to get to Wyndham's by half 6:00.

13. Half 6:00?

14. Yes. You have to return it within a fortnight for a refund.

15. I love it, but I feel like it was too much.

16. Cute, right? It's Thom Browne. It was over $3,000.

17. You spent $3,000 on a sweater?

18. What's it to you?

19. That's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. You're a moron.

20. A pretentious moron.

21. Drop dead. I was returning it anyway.

22. Where'd you even get that kind of money?

23. None of your damn business, that's where.

24. You know, today started as a really nice outing,

25. but as usual, you had to ruin it.

26. I had to ruin it?

27. Yeah, you. I was actually hoping

28. that you'd talk me out of returning the sweater.

29. So, you're right, I guess I am a moron.

30. You know, it's the one time I ever splurged on myself,

31. and you have to go and make me feel foolish.

32. Look, I didn't... Save it, okay?

33. I'll be waiting outside under the porte cochere.

34. It was my own fault for thinking I could have pretty things.

35. I'm not having fun anymore. I feel you should know that.

36. What was that?

37. I don't believe this. Hello? Hello, we're locked in!

38. Did you just crap your diaper?

39. I got scared when the door closed.

40. Hey! Hello! Hello, somebody! We're trapped in here!

41. You're wasting your breath.

42. These bank vault doors close automatically at the end of the workday.

43. This thing won't be open again till tomorrow.

44. Well, there's got to be some way out of here. Think!

45. I don't know. You think of something.

46. Well, I have no idea!

47. So, you invented a time machine,

48. but you can't get us out of a safe?

49. I'm uncomfortable. You have to change me.

50. I'm not changing you. We don't even have any diapers.

51. Oh, my God, that smell is making me sick.

52. Oh, thank you for making me more self-conscious.

53. I'm not gonna be able to stay like this until tomorrow, you know.

54. Well, I don't know what you expect me to do about it.

55. You don't? No, I don't.

56. Stop looking at me like that.

57. Look, I'm going to propose something,

58. and I need you to hear me out.

59. Will you promise me you'll do that?

60. I guess.

61. Okay, well, I can't be in a soiled diaper until tomorrow, Brian,

62. we both know that.

63. I'll get a rash, which could lead

64. to an infection if left like this.

65. All right, fine, I'll take the diaper off.

66. That doesn't really solve our problem, now, does it?

67. Yes, it does.

68. No, it doesn't though, really.

69. See, you're not really thinking this through.

70. We would still be faced with the problem of the odor, you see.

71. And, of course, then what am I gonna do with no diaper?

72. I'm not gonna walk around here with my Tic Tac hanging out.

73. I need a clean diaper.

74. I told you, we don't have any clean diapers.

75. Well, no, not right now we don't, no.

76. But if the poo were to be removed...

77. I'm not following you.

78. If the poo were to be removed...

79. What does that... What are you driving at?

80. Eat it. What?

81. Eat it Brian.

82. You're out of your fucking mind.

83. Now, you promised you'd hear me out.

84. Besides, is it really that big a deal?

85. And, you know, I've seen you eat poop before, Brian.

86. Yeah, mine!

87. Is that really a huge distinction?

88. It is to me!

89. I can't even... How would... That's sick! That is sick!

90. How messed up in the head are you that you would even ask?

91. Look, okay, okay, just calm down, okay?

92. We're not... We're just talking.

93. We're not doing anything yet.

94. All right, we're just talking. Nobody's doing anything at this point.

95. Dogs sometimes eat feces. It's not a judgment, it's just a fact.

96. So what I would need you to do is eat what's in my diaper,

97. lick the diaper clean,

98. and then put the diaper back on me.

99. There is no way any of that is happening.

100. Well, I don't see a way around it, do you?

101. I would shoot myself first.

102. Well, how you gonna shoot yourself? There's no gun in here.

103. There's a gun in your safety deposit box, isn't there?

104. Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing.

105. Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy?

106. Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? I don't want any trouble.

107. There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo.

108. That's not happening.

109. Well, then I'll be forced to shoot you.

110. Go ahead. There aren't any bullets in that gun.

111. I don't believe you. Then shoot me.

112. I will. Do it.

113. I will! Then do it! What are you waiting for?

114. Go on! I will! I'll blow your fucking head off!

115. Wait a minute. Don't you have your cell phone with you?

116. You're right!

117. Oh, no, low battery.

118. I have to make this call count.

119. Hurry up. It's ringing.

120. Oh, thank God.

121. Come on, come on.

122. Yes, hi. Can you connect me to men's designer wear, please?

123. Thank you. What are you doing?

124. This will just take a second. Give me that!

125. Hi, this is Stewie Griffin. Who am I talking to?

126. Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman

127. who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago.

128. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night.

129. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word.

130. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and...

131. Hey! Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back...

132. It's dead.

133. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater?

134. A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with.

135. Oh, this day.

136. You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink

137. because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us!

138. That really hurt.

139. Just get away from me! I can't even look at you!

140. Well, I'm sorry. Don't be mad.

141. Don't!

142. All right, I'll do it.

143. What are you talking about?

144. I can't leave you like this.

145. But you have to swear never to tell anybody.

146. You mean, you're gonna eat my...

147. Yeah, no, no, I won't tell anybody. I swear!

148. Okay, how should we do it?

149. I guess it's dealer's choice, really.

150. I suppose the easiest way would be to use the diaper as a bowl of sorts.

151. All right, well, we should get your overalls off first.

152. I know how to do the snaps.

153. There. I did it.

154. Okay, good. Now let's get your feet out.

155. I can't believe we're doing this.

156. Oh, really smells bad, doesn't it?

157. Yeah. You sure you can't stay like this?

158. I'm getting a rash, Brian. I can feel it.

159. Okay, okay, I can do this.

160. All right, lay down.

161. It's so amazing to me that you know how to do that.

162. It's like watching someone do algebra.

163. I just have no conception of how it's done.

164. Oh, God!

165. Okay, you ready?

166. Okay.

167. Don't do it right here! I don't want to watch!

168. What? Take it over there. Do it in the corner.

169. It's gross! It's your poop!

170. Yeah, but it's your activity, you know? It's your thing.

171. It's done.

172. Got some dessert for you.

173. You gotta be kidding me.

174. Come on. It's throw-up. You like throw-up.

175. I do. I do like throw-up.

176. All right, now let's get this diaper back on you.

177. Oh, wait. I can do this part.

178. So, yeah. Thanks.

179. I feel a lot better now.

180. Smell's gone.

181. You know, I think I missed my nap today. I'm sleepy.

182. Well, why don't you lie down?

183. I think I will.

184. Brian? What?

185. I just realized something.

186. What?

187. Tomorrow's Sunday.

188. Fuck.

189. Guess this is as good a time as any.

190. What you doing? Oh. Hey.

191. Just needed a little drink.

192. Was kind of saving it, but what the hell, right?

193. Saving it for what?

194. It's not important. Want a sip?

195. You're offering me some?

196. It's liquor, isn't it?

197. Yeah, it's liquor.

198. Babies aren't supposed to have liquor.

199. This would be the most naughty thing ever.

200. Do you want a sip or not?

201. Yeah!

202. Mmm, smooth.

203. I like what comes out of Lois' breasts better, but I like this, too.

204. Starting to feel that.

205. You know, I like hanging out with you, Brian.

206. I feel like a big boy right now.

207. Yeah, this isn't so bad, right?

208. It's like a very private party.

209. I feel like dancing.

210. Yeah, you know how to move.

211. That is real... Wow, that is awesome. I'm really impressed.

212. Oh, wait, I can hurdle my own leg

213. like they used to do in the '90s.

214. Okay, all right, this is gonna sound really weird.

215. This is gonna sound really weird,

216. but I really want you to do it, okay?

217. What?

218. I want you to pierce my ear.

219. Let's do it. You mean it?

220. Because I... Look at my face. I'm totally serious. Are you totally serious?

221. I'm with you. I'm on the train!

222. Do you have a needle?

223. There's a pin in the sweater.

224. Here.

225. Oh, my God! This is happening! This is really happening!

226. Oh, I think this is going to look so good on me.

227. You know what else?

228. Oh, maybe I'll buy a glove with no knuckles.

229. I voted for McCain.

230. Okay, left ear. Left ear. Right now, stick it in. Come on, dude.

231. Can I just say before...

232. Can we just, like, take two...

233. I love... You're so brave.

234. I just love how brave you're being right now.

235. This is like the closest I've ever felt to you.

236. Okay. Oh, my God, I was thinking the same thing.

237. We are so "us" right now. Do you know that?

238. Okay, okay, okay.

239. Okay, here we go.

240. Oh, my God!

241. Oh! Are you okay?

242. Is it over?

243. I think. I don't know where the pin went.

244. Wait, move your hand.

245. Oh, wow! Oh! Shit!

246. What? What? What is it?

247. It's stuck in there.

248. I think the pin's too thick to go all the way through.

249. Get it out!

250. Got it.

251. How's it look?

252. Cool.

253. Really? Oh, that's good.

254. Oh, I knew it was... I knew it would look cool.

255. Wait, don't we have to put an earring in it so the hole won't close?

256. I don't think it's gonna close.

257. I can't believe I have pierced ears.

258. I'm one of those people who I talk about.

259. Finally, no more clip-ons, you know?

260. Hey, give me some of that. Don't hog that there. Give me some of that.

261. It looks really good, Stewie.

262. I wish we had a mirror 'cause I actually did a really good job.

263. Oh, yeah, it's awesome. I'm not worried.

264. Hmm. Cozy.

265. So, question.

266. Yeah?

267. This is gonna seem stupid, but I've been dying to know.

268. The Dog Whisperer. What is that? Is any of that true?

269. Oh, my God, I'm sorry. I've offended you.

270. No, no, no, no, not at all, Stewie, no.

271. Some of that stuff is right on.

272. Really? Wow. Well, give me a "for instance."

273. Well, the guy talks about... Cesar Millan?

274. Right, Cesar Millan talks about living in the moment

275. because that's how dogs live, you know? We live in the moment.

276. I hope he's not Mexican.

277. There's something off about him, but I hope it's not that.

278. You know, people can learn a lot from dogs, you know?

279. A lot. Like, we're like... Like here's us... We're like, "Yeah!"

280. Like that...

281. Okay, sure, sure, relax, relax.

282. It's just, well, you don't...

283. You don't really do any of those things, do you?

284. Yeah, I do. Wait. What are you talking about?

285. It's just, I don't know... I mean do you really live with purpose?

286. How could you say that to me?

287. Just calling it like I see it.

288. Listen, why don't you... You know what? You can just go to hell!

289. Hey, whoa, whoa. Look, I didn't mean to start anything.

290. Let's just forget it, okay? We're having a good time.

291. I don't want to forget it.

292. How dare you tell me that my life doesn't have purpose?

293. No, that's not what I said. That's what you're saying.

294. No, no, no. Don't do that. Don't try to turn my words on me.

295. And, you know what, take that sweater off. You look like a little queer.

296. Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded.

297. Oh, just calling it like I see it.

298. Oh, I see. Is that what we're doing?

299. All right, well, I'll play that game with you.

300. Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do?

301. You think I care about you?

302. I don't.

303. Yes, you do. I know you do.

304. I don't really care.

305. No, you're just smart enough and you're just clever enough

306. to occasionally amuse me.

307. If I had anybody else, anybody else to choose from, I would.

308. You are the best of a bad situation. Nothing more.

309. I use you, man.

310. Yeah, I would know if you were using me.

311. Oh, you would? I got you to eat my poop.

312. And you know why I did it?

313. Yeah, you were afraid you were going to get sick.

314. Because I wanted to see if I could.

315. You're a monster.

316. Hey, you started this whole thing.

317. You son of a bitch, I could kill you for that!

318. Oh, really? Well, how convenient.

319. You've got a gun right there.

320. Here you go, Brian. You want to kill me? Kill me with this.

321. Oh, but there are no bullets in it, are there?

322. Yeah, there are. I lied.

323. Oh, you're so full of crap.

324. I'm sorry, Stewie.

325. Me, too.

326. How long is this gonna last?

327. No idea.

328. I hope I'm not bothering you. Nope.

329. Just doing some stretching. Maybe a few poses.

330. You'll tell me if I'm bothering you, right?

331. Uh-huh.

332. Oh, yuck. What happened to my ear?

333. We pierced it.

334. Oh, yeah.

335. A lot of crazy shit went on last night.

336. Well, we were both drunk.

337. Oh, of course, of course. Oh, yes, that's right.

338. We were four pillows to the breeze, my friend.

339. I don't know what the phrase is.

340. What're you... What are you reading?

341. David Copperfield.

342. It looks old. It's a first edition.

343. That's why I keep it in my safety deposit box.

344. It's by Charles Dickens.

345. Giggity.

346. What are you doing?

347. I was hungry.

348. You want one?

349. You've had energy bars this whole time?

350. You idiot!

351. Not energy bars. Jenny Craig Anytime Bars.

352. And you just bitched yourself out of a bite.

353. All right, I'm sorry. All right, can I have one, please?

354. All right.

355. Can you give me a caramel one? No.

356. You can have...

357. Um... Um...

358. You can have...

359. Um...

360. You can have strawberry yogurt.

361. Hey, Bri?

362. Yeah?

363. How come you have a gun?

364. I don't know.

365. What do you mean you don't know?

366. What about all that liberal crap

367. you're always spewing about stricter gun regulations?

368. You even cried after Columbine.

369. Because that was a national tragedy.

370. Oh, it was kind of a regional tragedy.

371. Whatever.

372. It's just weird, you know?

373. I mean, you're the last person anybody would expect to have a gun.

374. Well, that's why I keep it here, where it's safe.

375. That doesn't make any sense. Why have it if you're not gonna use it?

376. You know, I really don't want to talk about this with you, Stewie.

377. But I want to know. Just tell me. Come on.

378. No. Come on, please.

379. I keep it in case I ever want to commit suicide, okay?

380. Wow.

381. Oh!

382. Oh, my God. You're serious.

383. But why, Brian?

384. You wouldn't understand. You're just a kid.

385. Well, I could try.

386. I don't know. Sometimes it's all too much.

387. What is?

388. Life. Everything.

389. Just having the gun here, knowing there's a way out, it helps.

390. Yes, but a gun, it's so messy.

391. It just seemed the quickest way, I guess.

392. I suppose.

393. But I don't quite understand why you're so unhappy.

394. Yesterday when you said I don't live with purpose,

395. you were right. I don't.

396. What purpose does my life have?

397. I don't like when you talk like this.

398. Oh, it's true, Stewie.

399. Dogs are supposed to be able to instinctively live with purpose,

400. not even to have think about it, just born like that.

401. But I wasn't.

402. You know, I've tried to find meaning in my life, and I just...

403. I just can't.

404. And that bottle of scotch?

405. I was saving it for my last drink.

406. Wow, heavy.

407. So is that why we came here?

408. Were you gonna end it?

409. No, I was just putting money in my Christmas club.

410. God, I have to get one of those.

411. You know, last year I only had $30 saved

412. when the holidays came around. I was so embarrassed.

413. I think I gave Meg tape.

414. Well, you're the only person I've ever told this to.

415. Aren't you gonna say anything?

416. Well, I don't know what to say.

417. Wanting to kill yourself...

418. Well, I think that's pretty selfish of you.

419. How is that selfish?

420. What would I do if you weren't here? Mmm?

421. You're the only one who makes my life bearable.

422. I thought you said I was the best of a bad situation.

423. I was just trying to hurt you 'cause you hurt me.

424. But the truth is you're my only friend, Brian.

425. If I didn't have you, I'd be lost.

426. You'd be okay.

427. No, I wouldn't.

428. I don't really care for anybody else. Just you.

429. You're the only one I like.

430. Well, thanks.

431. I like you a lot.

432. I guess you could say I really like you.

433. I would even dare to go a little further perhaps.

434. I care a great deal about you.

435. A very great deal.

436. Maybe even

437. deeper than that.

438. I... I...

439. I love you.

440. I mean, not in like a,

441. "Hey, let's, you know, let's have an underpants party,"

442. or whatever grown-ups do when they're in love,

443. but I mean I love you as one loves another person

444. whom one simply cannot do without.

445. Well, I...

446. I love you, too, Stewie.

447. You give my life purpose.

448. And maybe that's enough.

449. Because that's just about the greatest gift one friend can give another.

450. Thank you.

451. Hey.

452. What?

453. Will you read to me?

454. Sure.

455. Wait, wait, wait. I want to get all snuggled in.

456. Okay, go.

457. "Chapter One, 'I am Born.'

458. "Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life,

459. "or whether that station shall be held by anybody else,

460. "these pages must show.

461. "To begin my life with the beginning of my life,

462. "I record that I was born on a Friday, at 12:00 at night."