1. Lois, you have a gray hair.
What?
Copy !req
2. Inch-and-a-half left
of your part.
Copy !req
3. Oh, my God, you're right.
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4. You know, I don't mind
so much that you're aging,
Copy !req
5. it's just the way you're
shoving it down my throat.
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6. Screw you, Peter.
Not today.
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7. Oh, wow!
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8. Mom, Dad, is it okay if I
invite my new boyfriend
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9. over for dinner tonight?
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10. Your what?
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11. Yes, I share your
mother's skepticism.
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12. No, really, I have a boyfriend.
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13. His name is Anthony.
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14. Well, Meg,
if you're telling us the truth,
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15. I just hope to God
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16. he's an improvement
over the last one.
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17. Thanks, Mrs. Griffin,
that was delicious.
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18. You're welcome, Justin.
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19. It was a pleasure
to meet you.
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20. Come on.
I'll take you home.
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21. Okay, babe.
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22. He ain't got no legs.
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23. Jolly Farm?
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24. I can't believe
you still watch this crap.
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25. Man, how can you
still watch this, huh?
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26. Huh?
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27. You know, I can tell you've
already been drinking,
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28. and I, I just don't
want to engage.
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29. Besides, you can
learn a lot
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30. from British
nursery rhymes.
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31. See, that was actually written
about the bubonic plague.
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32. Oh, didn't know that.
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33. Ooh, ooh, this next
one's my favorite.
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34. It's about the Pan Am
flight from Lockerbie.
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35. Yay! It's fun
to be a child.
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36. Hey, did you read this?
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37. They're gonna be making
an American version
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38. of Jolly Farm
right here in Quahog.
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39. Oh, my God, I didn't
see that. Gimme!
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40. Good Lord, you're right,
an American Jolly Farm!
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41. Oh, there's no picture.
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42. I like the stories
that have pictures.
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43. Ooh, like this one.
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44. "Seven Dead in Mumbai."
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45. I like their hats.
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46. Lois, get in here.
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47. Shh— Meg's boyfriend.
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48. But there's, there's
nothing wrong with him.
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49. Mom, where's my...?
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50. Shh...
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51. Quagmire, get over here,
you got to see this.
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52. He seems to be
completely normal.
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53. Oh...!
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54. I can honestly say
for the first time
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55. that I am attracted
to our daughter.
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56. This must be what
other fathers feel like.
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57. This was worth
the 500-mile drive.
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58. Well, it was very nice
meeting you, Anthony.
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59. You, too,
Mrs. Griffin.
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60. Thanks for having me over
for dinner.
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61. Come on, Peter.
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62. I think Anthony wants
some time alone with Meg.
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63. Who doesn't want some time alone
with Meg these days?
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64. Right, Meg?
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65. Has anybody ever told you
you're pretty enough
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66. to be a movie star,
Mrs. Griffin?
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67. Oh, my goodness. Well,
I don't know about that.
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68. Penelope Ann Miller,
Nancy Travis—
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69. now, those are movie stars.
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70. Look, Anthony, trust me,
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71. she ain't what she used
to be, all right?
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72. Once you get those pants off,
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73. it's like two sagging pressed
hams and a slice of pizza.
Copy !req
74. Oh, thank you, Peter,
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75. that makes me
feel terrific.
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76. Anyway,
good night, kids.
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77. Good night, Mom.
Good night, Dad.
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78. Ah-ah-ah,
on the lips.
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79. Yes!
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80. Do you think
your parents liked me?
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81. Yeah. Can we
make out now?
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82. Oh, I forgot my...
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83. Oh, my God, that's kind of hot.
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84. Mmm, I bet you taste like
Mountain Dew and Starburst.
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85. All right, wish me luck
on my audition, Brian.
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86. If anyone deserves to be
on Jolly Farm, it's me.
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87. Sorry, all the boys
can go home.
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88. We only have one part
left for a little girl.
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89. What?
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90. No! No, that's impossible!
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91. Oh, that's too bad,
Stewie.
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92. Well, I guess
we can go home now.
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93. But I don't want
to go home.
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94. I want to be
on Jolly Farm!
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95. Well, you heard her.
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96. They're only auditioning
little girls.
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97. Now, come on,
let's get out of here.
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98. I suppose you're right;
nothing I can do.
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99. Okay, our next young actress
on the audition list is
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100. Karina Smirnoff.
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101. Hello, everyone!
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102. Thank you all so much
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103. for squeezing me in
for an audition.
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104. So, should we
just jump in?
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105. Sure.
When you're ready.
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106. All right, let me
just get into character.
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107. I'm a bit distracted.
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108. I wasn't expecting
we'd do this today
Copy !req
109. in light of the circumstances.
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110. What circumstances?
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111. Oh, dear God, didn't you hear?
The bomb.
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112. The bomb that went off
in Times Square.
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113. All those poor people... dead!
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114. Oh, my God, my cousin
works in Times Square.
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115. Well, your cousin is fine
because I was acting!
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116. That's impressive.
Oh, wow.
Risky, very risky.
Copy !req
117. All right, fun's over.
What do you want me to read?
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118. We want you to read
your new contract.
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119. You mean it?
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120. Absolutely.
You're hired.
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121. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh!
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122. Well, I guess sometimes
you're just right for the part.
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123. Like James Earl Jones
playing Darth Vader.
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124. So, James, we just want
you to do the voice.
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125. Thanks for taking time
for me today, Bonnie.
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126. I just didn't know
who else to talk to.
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127. Oh, that's okay, Lois.
What's on your mind?
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128. Well, you're going to
think I'm an awful person,
Copy !req
129. but I'm attracted
to another man.
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130. Giggity?
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131. It's Meg's boyfriend
Anthony.
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132. Giggity.
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133. It's just that, lately,
Copy !req
134. Peter's been making me feel
so crappy about my age, and...
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135. Well, then I'm around Anthony,
Copy !req
136. and he looks at me like
I'm young and attractive.
Copy !req
137. I'm going to tell you
a secret, Lois.
Copy !req
138. I had an affair once.
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139. You had an affair?
Copy !req
140. Mm-hmm. It wasn't
anything sordid.
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141. Just some guys I met
on the Internet.
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142. The point is, it's healthy
to explore your sexuality.
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143. Oh, I don't know.
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144. It just feels like
I'm lying to Peter...
Copy !req
145. like Jesus lied
to the meek.
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146. All right.
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147. Jesus and the jocks
win again.
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148. Hey, you said we were gonna
inherit the earth.
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149. Yeah, when we're done with it.
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150. Hello there.
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151. Hello.
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152. Um, I'm new in town
and I'm awfully lonely.
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153. I'm wondering if you wouldn't
mind buying me a drink?
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154. Well, that'd
be my pleasure.
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155. And maybe later
I can show you some
Copy !req
156. of the local points
of interest.
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157. There's one right
below the table.
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158. Oh, my, you're very bold.
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159. Well, when your life span
is 13 years, you got
to be direct.
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160. Lucky for you,
I like bold men.
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161. Karina, Karina Smirnoff.
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162. Brian, Brian Steel.
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163. Ooh, good heavens.
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164. Man, your accent
is sexy.
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165. Oh, this is all moving
very quickly.
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166. I'm afraid
I'm a little light-headed.
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167. You must think
I'm a fool.
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168. I'm-I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to come on too strong.
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169. Oh, that's all right.
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170. I've been missing
a man's touch
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171. lo these many months.
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172. And I've been missing
a woman's touch.
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173. Brian, Brian, it's me, Stewie.
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174. Oh, my God,
that was hilarious.
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175. You really fell for it.
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176. I-I was, like,
"Is he gonna fall for this?"
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177. And then when you did,
I was like,
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178. "I guess I should see
how far I can take it
Copy !req
179. 'cause, you know,
it'll be funnier."
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180. I'm gonna kill you!
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181. Why are you dressed
like that?
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182. Uh, because I'm the star
of Jolly Farm.
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183. Remember how they only
needed little girls?
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184. Oh, my God.
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185. I'm telling Lois.
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186. You're not telling
anybody, friend.
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187. No, no, you're gonna
be my on-set guardian.
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188. You're out of your mind.
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189. Brian, we both know
I touched it.
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190. Now, if you'd like
to keep that just between us,
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191. I suggest you sit back down and
order me some chicken fingers.
Copy !req
192. See? We're having
a nice time.
Copy !req
193. All right, first scene up
is on page 12.
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194. Everybody, this is
our new Jolly Farm resident,
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195. Karina Smirnoff.
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196. She'll be playing
the role of Mary.
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197. Hello.
Hi, I'm Julie.
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198. Oh, hello, I'm Stew...
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199. Uh, I'm Karina.
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200. Can we get some
quiet on the set?
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201. I'm trying
to rehearse.
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202. Quiet on the set!
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203. Don't mind Randall.
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204. He's getting
into character.
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205. Is he playing a dick?
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206. All right, everybody,
here we go.
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207. Scene ten.
Places, please.
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208. And... action!
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209. Oh, it's so great being here
on Jolly Farm.
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210. Let's go to the barn
and meet the animals.
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211. Yeah! Hey, Mary,
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212. bet I'll beat you
to the barn.
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213. That sounds like
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214. a really chauvinistic
presumption.
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215. I mean, because I'm a woman,
you think you'll beat me?
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216. A man is automatically
better than a woman
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217. at any physical challenge?
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218. Well, here are a few women
who might beat you to the barn:
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219. Joanie Benoit,
Jackie Joyner-Kersee,
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220. Babe Didrikson Zaharias,
Mary Decker, Zola Budd...
Copy !req
221. Cut!
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222. Karina, your line is,
"That sounds fun."
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223. Well, yes, Dan,
but I felt
Copy !req
224. that just because
we're on a farm,
Copy !req
225. it doesn't mean we have
to be stuck in the 19th century
Copy !req
226. with our value system.
Copy !req
227. Mary needs to stand up
for herself.
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228. Hmm... interesting.
I suppose we don't really have
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229. an outspoken female character
on the show.
Copy !req
230. All right, Karina,
we'll try it your way
Copy !req
231. and see what
happens.
Good luck.
Copy !req
232. She'll be gone
in three episodes.
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233. Hi, Anthony.
Hi, Mrs. Griffin.
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234. You know, we've
enjoyed having you
Copy !req
235. around so much lately,
so we got a little
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236. "welcome to the family"
present for you.
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237. Your husband's work
and poker game schedule?
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238. My menstrual cycle's
on there, too,
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239. but I don't mind
if you don't.
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240. Uh, thanks.
Copy !req
241. Oh, by the way, Meg,
I forgot to tell you,
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242. your grandfather needs you to
pick him up at the airport.
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243. Ugh, Grandpa always makes me
so nervous when I'm driving.
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244. Okay, now me.
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245. That's a stop sign.
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246. Anthony, you want
to come with me?
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247. Sure.
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248. Oh, don't be ridiculous,
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249. I'll keep him company
till you get back.
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250. Good-bye, Meg.
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251. Let's not play games.
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252. The other day, you
said I was attractive.
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253. Now, what are we
gonna do about it?
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254. Oh, my God.
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255. Wow, this is so cool.
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256. I've never had a MILF
come on to me before.
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257. Can I, can I kiss you?
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258. Let me ask you this:
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259. Do my gray hairs
bother you?
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260. What gray hairs?
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261. Oh, kiss me.
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262. Mom, I forgot my keys.
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263. Do you know where...?
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264. Um... rape?
Copy !req
265. Hey, another batch
of fan mail, Karina.
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266. Oh, careful, Sam,
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267. you're emptying
your sack all over me.
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268. What?
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269. Stewie, how
the hell long
Copy !req
270. do you think you can
keep up this charade?
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271. I will keep up
this "cha-rahd"--
Copy !req
272. as it's pronounced, Brian—
as long as I see fit.
Copy !req
273. Ooh, ooh, shh, shh, shh.
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274. Hi, Karina.
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275. Oh, hi, Julie.
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276. God, I love
your makeup.
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277. You know, I'm thinking
of asking them
Copy !req
278. to do my makeup
like yours.
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279. Oh, you don't
need makeup.
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280. I mean, I need all
the help I can get,
Copy !req
281. but you have such a
youthful look,
Copy !req
282. you could pass
for 11 months.
Copy !req
283. Ugh, then why do I feel
like 40 months?
Copy !req
284. You've got to stop
doing that to yourself.
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285. You're fantastic.
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286. Oh, I think you're the nicest
person I've ever met.
Copy !req
287. Hey, baby, you ready
to go take a nap?
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288. Oh, okay, Randall.
Copy !req
289. I don't think
that guy is right for her.
Copy !req
290. Do you see the way
he treats her?
Copy !req
291. Why do you care?
Copy !req
292. Because... I think
I'm in love with her.
Copy !req
293. Whenever I talk to her,
Copy !req
294. it makes my Band-Aid
start to peel off.
Copy !req
295. What are you
talking about?
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296. I'm talking
about my thing.
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297. Got to hide it
for the cameras.
Copy !req
298. Instead of tucking,
I just push it in
Copy !req
299. like a button and put
a Band-Aid over it.
Copy !req
300. What kind of Band-Aid?
Copy !req
301. Big one, big giant one.
Copy !req
302. Nah, just one of those
little dots you put on a shot.
Copy !req
303. Okay, Brian, watch,
here comes my big part.
Copy !req
304. Oh, here comes Large Bird and
Moody Green Garbage Creature.
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305. Wow, you're a big bird.
Copy !req
306. And I'm grouchy,
so get out of my way!
Copy !req
307. You watch that tone,
Moody Green Garbage Creature,
Copy !req
308. or I'll get Bernie and Gert
over here to kick your butt.
Copy !req
309. Is there a problem here?
Copy !req
310. Yeah, you need us
to use our fists?
Copy !req
311. Look at Julie, Brian.
Copy !req
312. She's absolutely beautiful.
Copy !req
313. Julie, hi, w-we were
just talking about you.
Copy !req
314. Oh, hi, do I know you?
Copy !req
315. Oh, right, yeah—
no, you don't, you know Karina.
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316. I'm her brother Stewie.
Copy !req
317. It's nice to meet you.
Is she home?
Copy !req
318. Oh, yeah, yeah,
she's upstairs.
Copy !req
319. Come in.
Copy !req
320. Brian, you've met
Julie, right?
Copy !req
321. Julie's my sister's
costar on Jolly Farm.
Copy !req
322. Hi, Brian.
Copy !req
323. Why don't you
keep her company
Copy !req
324. while I go fetch Karina?
Copy !req
325. Just make sure
you get her fast.
Copy !req
326. Karina?
Yes?
Copy !req
327. You have a visitor.
Who is it?
Copy !req
328. It's that nice girl,
Julie, from your show.
Copy !req
329. Oh, Julie— did she
say what she wanted?
Copy !req
330. Just go see for yourself.
Copy !req
331. I'm not your
secretary, Karina.
Copy !req
332. Why are you
so cruel to me?
Copy !req
333. Is it because
I'm the pretty one?
Copy !req
334. The talented one?
Oh, for God's sakes.
Copy !req
335. You know, we're
all sick of you.
Copy !req
336. That's right, all of us.
Copy !req
337. Sick of me?
Oh, that's rich.
Copy !req
338. You know, I wasn't
going to say this,
Copy !req
339. but Mother hates you.
Copy !req
340. That's not true,
you take that back!
Copy !req
341. It is true, she hates you!
Copy !req
342. She told me, it was
the Christmas we all went
Copy !req
343. to Edaville Railroad,
and you cried
Copy !req
344. because you were afraid
because one of Santa's elves
Copy !req
345. was a real midget,
and father said,
Copy !req
346. "That's it, I can't
take this anymore,"
Copy !req
347. and he left that very night
Copy !req
348. and all you cared about was
ice cream on the way home
Copy !req
349. and Mother said you didn't
appreciate anything!
Copy !req
350. Karina!
Coming!
Copy !req
351. Hello, Julie.
Copy !req
352. So nice to see you.
Copy !req
353. Please.
Copy !req
354. Two lemonades, Brian.
Copy !req
355. Oh, yeah, I'll go
make you a lemonade.
Copy !req
356. I'll make you
a fresh one.
Copy !req
357. So, what brings you here?
Copy !req
358. Well, I wanted to see
if you could come over
Copy !req
359. to my house tonight
and run lines with me.
Copy !req
360. Don't you usually
do that with Randall?
Copy !req
361. We kind of had a fight.
Copy !req
362. Oh, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
363. I thought maybe you and I
could have a sleepover tonight.
Copy !req
364. You know, a little girl time.
Copy !req
365. Oh, that would be so fun.
Copy !req
366. Yes, let's.
Terrific.
Copy !req
367. I can't wait.
Copy !req
368. Hey, do you mind if I say
good-bye to your brother?
Copy !req
369. Fine.
Copy !req
370. Stewie!
Copy !req
371. What?
Copy !req
372. Julie would like to
say good-bye to you.
Copy !req
373. Well? Answer me.
Copy !req
374. I'm not talking to you.
Copy !req
375. You're being a baby.
Go say good-bye.
Copy !req
376. Why? She's
your friend.
Copy !req
377. And why should
I do you any favors
Copy !req
378. after the terrible things
you said to me earlier?
Copy !req
379. Well, at least I didn't bring
up that time at Brigham's
Copy !req
380. when you showed your fanny to
that girl in the wheelchair.
Copy !req
381. Julie's gone.
That's fine, Brian,
Copy !req
382. we're having a
conversation up here.
Copy !req
383. That girl in the wheelchair
called me a name.
Copy !req
384. Yes, well, that gives you
no right to be a blackguard!
Copy !req
385. Meg, honey, I think
we need to talk.
Copy !req
386. I don't want to talk to you.
Get out!
Copy !req
387. Look, I understand
that you're upset.
Copy !req
388. You made out
with my boyfriend.
Copy !req
389. How could you do that?
Copy !req
390. I don't know, sweetheart,
but I am so, so sorry.
Copy !req
391. It was an awful thing
that I did.
Copy !req
392. I never meant to
steal him from you.
Copy !req
393. Is that what you think?
Copy !req
394. You stole him from me?
Copy !req
395. Are you kidding?
Copy !req
396. You couldn't steal him from me.
Copy !req
397. Well, I do know
a few things, Meg,
Copy !req
398. and clearly, if I wanted him,
I could have him.
Copy !req
399. You really think
you stand a chance?
Copy !req
400. Look at you, you're old,
you're nothing.
Copy !req
401. You couldn't even imagine
the things I do for him.
Copy !req
402. And this isn't about making out;
this is about power tools.
Copy !req
403. Yeah, I go to places
you couldn't get back from.
Copy !req
404. I'll do anything.
Copy !req
405. You don't know me.
Copy !req
406. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
407. He hangs me from
the shower rod
Copy !req
408. with your old bras, and
then we laugh at you.
Copy !req
409. Now get out of my room.
Copy !req
410. Well, when you're
ready to talk...
Copy !req
411. Are you okay in there, Karina?
Copy !req
412. Be right out.
Copy !req
413. Just rinsing off
my Noxzema.
Copy !req
414. I'm so glad you came over.
Copy !req
415. Oh, so am I, Jules;
it's been so fun.
Copy !req
416. So, I guess I sleep
in the guest room or whatnot?
Copy !req
417. No, you can sleep
in here with me.
Copy !req
418. Oh, well, my goodness, I hope
there's room for both of us.
Copy !req
419. I'll just have to
squeeze in here.
Copy !req
420. Well, good night, Karina.
Copy !req
421. You know, I really like
spending time with you, Julie.
Copy !req
422. Me, too.
Copy !req
423. Why couldn't we just
have girlfriends
Copy !req
424. instead of boyfriends?
I know.
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425. It's all just one big,
confusing mess.
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426. Can I snuggle with you?
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427. Uh-huh.
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428. Good night, Julie.
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429. Well, I hope you're
happy, Peter.
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430. Our daughter hates me and
it's all because of you.
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431. Me? What the hell did I do?
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432. You've made me feel
so unattractive lately
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433. that I went and
did something
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434. disgusting and abhorrent
and I'm ashamed of myself.
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435. Peter, I made out
with Meg's boyfriend.
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436. You made out
with Meg's boyfriend?
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437. How the hell could
you do that to me?
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438. Because, Peter, you've been
making me feel old and fat
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439. and unattractive
and worthless.
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440. How do you expect me
to respond?
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441. Lois, I think you're
the most beautiful woman
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442. I ever seen in my life.
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443. Well, but then why
have you been saying
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444. all these horrible things?
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445. Because I'm old and fat and
unattractive and worthless.
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446. I guess I thought that
if I could bring you down,
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447. you wouldn't start to notice
that you're too good for me
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448. and run off looking
for another fella.
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449. Peter, that's
ridiculous.
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450. I love you.
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451. Why?
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452. Maybe I like fat guys.
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453. You do?
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454. Maybe I like having
sex with fat guys.
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455. Yeah?
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456. Maybe I want to have sex
with a fat guy right now.
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457. Well, maybe I want to have sex
with an ugly, old broad.
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458. Peter!
Gotcha!
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459. Wow!
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460. I'm going insane, Brian.
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461. I don't know how much longer
I can keep this up.
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462. I've got to tell Julie
my true feelings.
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463. So, tell her.
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464. Have you heard, Karina?
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465. We're gonna be doing
the show live today.
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466. I'm so nervous.
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467. I've never been on
live TV before.
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468. Would you give me
a hug for luck?
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469. No, no, no, no, no,
I'm not done yet.
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470. Karina, what are you...
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471. Oh, oh, I'm not...
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472. I'm not a lesbian.
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473. No, no, I'm not either.
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474. What are you exactly?
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475. I'm sorry, Karina.
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476. If only you were a boy.
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477. But... I am a boy.
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478. Okay, everybody,
we're live in five.
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479. You'd better
get out there.
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480. Four, three, two...
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481. Good morning and welcome
to Jolly Farm.
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482. Today we're going to learn
about the letter "T."
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483. I've got something
to say, Mother Maggie.
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484. You do?
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485. Well, maybe that can wait
till later, Mary.
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486. No, I think this needs
to come out now.
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487. You see, I didn't move
to Jolly Farm from the big city
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488. to be around animals.
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489. I moved here because my uncle
was molesting my sister,
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490. and my parents wanted her
to start a new life.
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491. But my sister Mary
shot herself in the face,
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492. and that's when I decided that
she would live on through me.
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493. For I am not who you think I am.
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494. I am not little Mary Sunflower,
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495. daughter of Bradley
and Theresa Sunflower.
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496. No, I'm not.
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497. I'm Desmond Sunflower!
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498. Desmond Sunflower,
and I'm a boy!
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499. A perfectly normal little boy.
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500. Who also happens
to be a transvestite.
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501. Which begins
with the letter "T."
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502. I'm ready.
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503. Did you talk to Julie?
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504. Her mother won't
let me see her.
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505. It doesn't matter anyway;
she's back with Randall.
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506. Oh, I'm sorry.
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507. Hey, why were they
shooting that scene live?
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508. Convenience.
Yeah, but why'd they...?
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509. Let's not start pulling
threads on this one.
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510. Can we go home?
Sure.
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511. You want to get
some ice cream?
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512. Well, why not?
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513. I don't have to fit
in that dress anymore.
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514. Hey, can I
borrow the dress?
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515. What?
Nah, I'm
just kidding.
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516. I'm just
doing some playful
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517. walking-away banter
during the music.
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518. Can we not do that?
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519. I have such a headache.
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520. Sorry.
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