Family Guy 7x8

Directed by Brian Iles

Seth Rogen as Seth Rogen (voice) • Meredith Baxter as Meredith Baxter (voice) • Kirker Butler as (voice) • Alexandra Breckenridge as Bond Girl (voice) • John G. Brennan as Mort Goldman (voice)

After buying a brain-damaged horse, which causes over $100,000 worth of damage, Peter participates in medical experiments to make some extra cash. One of the genes he is injected with turns him gay, which later results in him leaving Lois for another man. Although the family is crushed, they quickly realise the most important thing is that Peter is happy.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV

2. But where are those good old-fashioned values

3. On which we used to rely?

4. Lucky there's a family guy

5. Lucky there's a man who positively can do

6. All the things that make us

7. Laugh and cry!

8. He's a family guy!

9. Now, remember, Peter, don't touch this money

10. until you get to the grocery store.

11. Then buy one can of beans and come straight home.

12. Do you understand?

13. Lois, I'm a guy you can trust with a task.

14. I'm the one who almost conquered the Dragon's Lair.

15. Dragon's Lair!

16. Peter, where have you been?

17. You left for the market six hours ago.

18. Did you get the beans?

19. Lois, I got something better.

20. You know how you always wanted a real diamond engagement ring?

21. Oh, my God!

22. That's right. I bought a horse!

23. You bought a horse?

24. Why the hell did...

25. I didn't even give you that much money!

26. That's what I thought, Lois!

27. Sold! To the gentleman from Quahog, Rhode Island.

28. Congratulations, sir.

29. What brings you down here to Louisville?

30. I don't know!

31. Peter, there's something off about that horse.

32. You have an eye for animals, Lois.

33. This horse is brain-damaged.

34. That's why I got it so cheap.

35. Peter, I don't think it's wise to have

36. a brain-damaged horse as a house pet.

37. Shut up!

38. You don't know nothing.

39. 'Bout anything.

40. Whatever, Peter.

41. Fine. Keep the horse.

42. Good. This family works much better when we're unified.

43. You'll see, this horse will be a fine addition to our family.

44. You know what? I don't want him to feel self-conscious.

45. - Everybody, pee. - Peter, we're...

46. Everybody, pee now.

47. We're an unusual family.

48. Peter, the horse is here.

49. Oh, yeah.

50. It's so creepy the way it just stares like that.

51. Why doesn't it do something?

52. Ew! Ew! Ew!

53. Ah, ah! What is it?

54. Brian, is Paul Sorvino standing behind me?

55. Hey, you want a sugar cube, horsey?

56. Oh, oh, God, Brian, don't!

57. Ew. Ew. Ew...

58. Mmm.

59. What made you come around, Lois?

60. I love you so much.

61. I love you so much, Lois.

62. Mmm, I love you, too, Peter.

63. Peter, take Maple Drive.

64. Otherwise, we won't make the movie on time.

65. All right. Uh-oh.

66. What is it?

67. Uh, the horse is right behind the car.

68. Peter, that thing is just creepy.

69. Hey!

70. Scat! Scat!

71. Go on, you!

72. We're go... We're going to see a movie!

73. All right, I'm gonna try something else.

74. No, no, no, no, no, no!

75. Oh, that's got all my stink of the day in it.

76. That's nasty.

77. Peter, why are there

78. so many bottles of milk in the refrigerator?

79. Oh, thanks for reminding me.

80. Everyone, some of the milk in the fridge

81. is not milk. It's horse sperm.

82. I'm a horse breeder now.

83. Peter, no one's gonna want to breed with that horse.

84. After tomorrow, they will.

85. I'm gonna enter him in the Quahog Derby, and he's gonna win.

86. I just know it.

87. I got a sixth sense about these things.

88. Remember when I predicted the ending to Wild Hogs?

89. This movie's gonna suck.

90. Hey, there, little fella.

91. I'm 48.

92. This whole place is a giant mind.

93. Boy, I never been in the owner's box.

94. We are gonna get a great view of the track from up here.

95. This is gonna be a great race.

96. What are you doing?

97. Get down there! Where's your midget?

98. Sorry, boss, had to pee.

99. Come on, you.

100. Guess he's got a small bladder.

101. Little tiny guy, got to go all the time.

102. Even though he's got to race, he couldn't hold it.

103. Mmm-hmm.

104. And they're off!

105. Go, horsey, go!

106. God, it even runs like it's messed up in the head.

107. Is there a reason all the horses

108. are named after canceled FOX shows?

109. Kitchen Confidential is in the lead,

110. followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour,

111. followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive,

112. followed by The Winner, followed by Life on a Stick,

113. followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases,

114. followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished,

115. followed by Free Ride, followed by Method and Red,

116. followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets,

117. followed by Stacked, followed by Justice,

118. followed by North Shore, followed by Back to You.

119. And bringing up the rear but somehow still in the race

120. is 'Til Death!

121. You named your horse 'Til Death?

122. You know why?

123. 'Cause I'm gonna take this horse

124. and shove it down America's throat.

125. What's this? It looks like 'Til Death

126. has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands!

127. Dear God, I could describe the horror I am witnessing,

128. but it is so unfathomably ugly and heartrending

129. that I cannot bring myself to do so,

130. although I do possess the necessary descriptive powers.

131. Oh, well, at least the horse ran past

132. the class of visiting deaf second-graders.

133. - Oh, no, dear God!

134. - He's going back!

135. Oh, I know you can't hear any screams, but I assure you,

136. they are signing frantically, just as fast as

137. their little fingers can shape the complicated phonemes

138. necessary to convey dread and terror.

139. Wait a sec. Hold the phone.

140. He's going back towards the track!

141. Fellas, this race ain't over yet!

142. My baby's dead!

143. It's over.

144. $100,000 worth of damage.

145. All thanks to that stupid horse of yours.

146. Look, can we not talk about the horse, please?

147. It's gone.

148. It suffered a fatal heart attack from the excitement,

149. and I disposed of it properly.

150. Oh, boy, I miss the old days when it was just

151. a flaming bag of poop and a hurtful note.

152. I have no idea how the hell we're gonna pay for this, Peter.

153. Well, I'll just have to get a second job or something.

154. Hand me the Classifieds.

155. Hey, Lois, look at this.

156. "Subject wanted for medical..."

157. What's that?

158. "Experiments."

159. Ex-paragus.

160. Experiments.

161. Ex-per-iments.

162. Right!

163. And it says they'll pay handsomely.

164. This is perfect.

165. Now I won't have to take that job as Matt Damon's neck.

166. Hey, Matt.

167. Matt.

168. Hey, is this another one of those movies

169. where you're an educated Boston street tough?

170. I don't have to take that crap from you, neck.

171. Oh, you have to, my friend.

172. I'm your neck.

173. What are you gonna do, choke me? You'll die.

174. You'll die if you do that.

175. Can somebody from wardrobe get me a scarf?

176. Oh, I'm still gonna... I'll just talk louder.

177. Ben Affleck married Jennifer Garner,

178. but you married a bartender with a kid.

179. These are facts.

180. So, what do I got to do, Doc?

181. You don't have to do anything, Mr. Griffin.

182. We're isolating and studying the effects

183. of various types of genes.

184. We're just going to give you a series

185. of experimental injections and record the results.

186. What's this one?

187. We call this the squirrel gene.

188. Its effects will become apparent shortly.

189. Okay, what's next?

190. This is the Seth Rogen gene.

191. It will give you the appearance of being funny

192. even though you haven't actually done anything funny.

193. Hey, Doc, are we gonna be much longer?

194. I got to get some beers with the fellas

195. before I go out on this date.

196. How charming and chubby.

197. I'm rooting for you.

198. All right, Mr. Griffin, at this time, we're going to inject you

199. with what we believe we've isolated as the gay gene.

200. I don't understand.

201. Well, if we're correct, we will have successfully proven

202. that homosexuality is genetic

203. and not a matter of choice or environment.

204. Are you crazy?

205. I don't want to take a chance on being gay.

206. We'll give you $125.

207. All right, I'll do it.

208. Boy, you're more persuasive than James Bond.

209. Now, time for some unfinished business.

210. - No, James. - Yes.

211. No, James.

212. Yes. You are going to have sex with me.

213. No, James, I don't want to!

214. Yes, you do.

215. No, I don't.

216. Yes, you do.

217. No, I don't!

218. Yes, you do!

219. Okay, yes.

220. See that?

221. Fifty nos and a yes means yes.

222. Hi.

223. So how'd the medical experiments go?

224. So good, Lois.

225. So good.

226. I'm gonna squeeze right in here, if my thighs will let me!

227. Peter, what exactly did they inject you with?

228. Oh, all sorts of things.

229. Hepatitis vaccine, a couple of steroids,

230. the gay gene, calcium, a vitamin B extract...

231. What did you just say?

232. The gay gene.

233. I assume that's the one you meant,

234. even though it wasn't literally the last thing I said

235. when you said, "What did you just say?"

236. It's just that clearly it was the most unusual.

237. Yes, that's the one I meant.

238. Peter, are you... gay?

239. Guilty!

240. Did anybody see that absolutely fabulous piece on Fiji

241. in yesterday's travel section?

242. Oh.

243. I wish I was Beyoncé.

244. Peter, I think maybe you should go back

245. and have that doctor undo whatever he did.

246. - Oh, my muffins are ready!

247. You made muffins?

248. Well, it wasn't the muffin fairy.

249. Or was it?

250. - Go ahead. Try it. - Peter...

251. Try it.

252. Dad, I think Mom's right.

253. Maybe you should go back to that doctor.

254. Well, now, wait a minute, Meg.

255. Let's not be too hasty.

256. These are delicious!

257. I know what you mean.

258. What?

259. I said homosexuality is wrong.

260. Are you... Are you being serious right now?

261. Just keep it in the bedroom, you know?

262. I mean, I'm not all in your face with my heterosexuality.

263. Uh... No, you are not.

264. Darn it!

265. Knock, knock. What's the problem, champ?

266. Why is math so hard?

267. Well, you know, it doesn't have to be.

268. One trick I used to use

269. is turning things into a word problem.

270. For example, if there are three glory holes

271. in the bathroom at the club,

272. and 28 guys at the circuit party,

273. how many rotations of guys will it take

274. before everybody's had a turn?

275. I don't know.

276. Nine, with a remainder of Brent.

277. Oh!

278. 'Cause Brent can't fit in the glory hole

279. And that's why we all like Brent

280. We now return to That Black Guy Must Be Doing Well

281. Because Everything He Owns Is White.

282. Hey. How you doing?

283. Wow. He must be doing well.

284. Well, here's the new nightie you picked out for me.

285. What do you think?

286. I think I'm jealous of Miss Eats-Anything-She-Wants-

287. And-Still-Fits-Into-a-Size-4.

288. Ooh, I could scratch your eyes out.

289. Oh. You know, Peter, with all the shopping

290. and cooking and decorating, I have to say,

291. I'm really liking the new you an awful lot.

292. An awful lot.

293. Heh. What are you doing?

294. I'm fooling around.

295. Come on, sweetie. Let's have some fun.

296. Lois, I'm gay.

297. You're... Wait a minute.

298. You mean we can't have sex?

299. Uh, no!

300. Peter, we're married!

301. Tony Randall was married, Lois.

302. Rock Hudson was married.

303. Ronald Reagan was married.

304. Mr. President, did you reach a missile pact?

305. Well, you could say that.

306. There was a missile.

307. And something definitely got "pact."

308. Just tell me, Doctor.

309. Is there anything you can do to remove this gene?

310. Well, Mrs. Griffin, it doesn't really work that way.

311. We just have to wait for the effects to wear off.

312. Well, how long will that take?

313. A week? A month? A year? 525,600 minutes?

314. Oh! Rent! Rent! Rent!

315. For all we know, he could be this way

316. for the rest of his life.

317. I don't see what the big deal is.

318. I like myself this way.

319. It's a very big deal!

320. You'll be treated differently,

321. just like my Uncle Ray with the really high-up anus.

322. I'll be out in a minute!

323. So Dad's going to be gay forever?

324. Possibly, Meg.

325. So we're all just going to have to get used to this

326. and learn to accept your father for who he is now.

327. Oh, great plan, Lois.

328. Hey, here's a nutty idea.

329. Ever read the Bible?

330. Leviticus 18:22.

331. Stewie, you're judgmentally quoting Bible verses,

332. and you don't even know how to read.

333. Welcome to America, Brian.

334. Hi, everybody.

335. This is Scott.

336. Oh. Who's Scott?

337. My soul mate, Lois.

338. I'm here, I'm queer, but don't get used to it

339. 'cause I'm leaving you.

340. - What? - I'm sorry, Lois.

341. I can't deny who I am any longer.

342. I am Peter Griffin, homosexual,

343. and that's how I'm going to live my life.

344. Chris, you're the man of the house now.

345. Take the lessons I've taught you,

346. and be the best leader of this household you can.

347. I will, Dad!

348. Oh, God! I miss Peter so much.

349. Gay or not, I just wish he was still here.

350. I miss Dad, too, Mom, but we'll manage somehow.

351. We're still a family, right?

352. Yeah. I mean, we're tighter than an Asian family.

353. You doctor yet?

354. No, Dad. I'm 12.

355. Talk to me when you doctor!

356. I am so gay for you, Scott.

357. I'm so gay for you, Peter.

358. Penis for your thoughts.

359. I just... You complete me. You know that?

360. You just make me want to be a gayer man.

361. Oh, come here.

362. And you don't miss your wife at all?

363. Well, sure I do,

364. but this is a whole new chapter in my life, Scott,

365. and that chapter is all about you.

366. Oh, Peter, let's snuggle on the couch and watch Lifetime.

367. We now return to Meredith Baxter in Raped by a Clown.

368. It was awful.

369. He made me do things. Awful things.

370. What kinds of things?

371. I don't even want to talk about it.

372. So, you sure you don't need any house repairs, Mrs. Griffin?

373. No, thanks, Rick.

374. Ever since Peter left,

375. our house hasn't been getting destroyed

376. by shenanigans on a weekly basis.

377. God! I feel so bad for Lois.

378. She really misses Peter.

379. I just wish there was something we could do.

380. Well, there is, Brian. I looked into it.

381. - Straight Camp. - Straight Camp?

382. Yeah. It's where gays go to get cured.

383. This is dated last year.

384. Oh, yeah. I just... I... I... I just had it lying around.

385. I don't know.

386. It goes against everything I believe in,

387. but, at this point, I'm willing to try anything.

388. Oh, for the love of penis!

389. What the... Where am I?

390. This is Straight Camp, Peter.

391. I'm sorry, but I'm doing this for Lois.

392. By the time you get out of here,

393. you're going to be back to your old self again.

394. Welcome to Straight Camp, everyone.

395. You're all here because you've made a choice

396. to renounce your evil, sinful ways,

397. and redeem yourselves in the eyes

398. of your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ,

399. who hates many people, but none more than homosexuals.

400. And, through our carefully structured program,

401. you will succeed.

402. All right, men, this is Harry the Homosexual.

403. Say hi to everyone, Harry.

404. Hi, fellas. I sure do love being gay!

405. Harry's choice of lifestyle is wrong,

406. so we're going to beat him up for it.

407. Now, take these baseball bats and get to it.

408. All right. Good so far.

409. No, no, no! Don't use the bats like that!

410. No, no! Don't use them like that either!

411. All right, look.

412. Just put them down and use your fists.

413. No, no, no! Not like that!

414. All right, this next exercise

415. will train you to talk like a straight man.

416. Peter, we'll start with you.

417. Repeat every word I say exactly as I say it.

418. "Tonight, me and my friends Paulie and Mattie

419. "are going out to drink a ton of beers."

420. "Tonight, my friends and I are going out,

421. "but we're not drinking because those are empty calories."

422. "Then we'll play full contact football

423. "in the park with no pads or helmets."

424. "Then we're gathering at Alan and Omar's for Bad Movie Night."

425. "Then it's straight to the bars

426. "to find loose women to have sex with."

427. "Then it's straight to the gym for three hours of crunches,

428. "and extended eye contact with strangers."

429. - Peter! - Oh, don't give me that look, Tony.

430. That's exactly what you said.

431. I said it right back to you.

432. Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you people,

433. but I didn't know where else to go.

434. I haven't seen Peter in two days,

435. and I just thought he might be here.

436. What? Oh, my God! Peter's missing?

437. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

438. Before anyone gets too worked up, I know where Peter is.

439. - Where? - I put him in a Straight Camp.

440. - You what? - Oh! You bastard!

441. Brian, why... Why did you do that?

442. Well, it's just that you seem so unhappy,

443. and I just wanted to help you get your husband back.

444. Who knows? By now,

445. Peter could be completely heterosexual again.

446. Throw out your hands Stick out your tush

447. Hands on your hips Give 'em a push

448. You'll be surprised you'redoing The French Mistake

449. Stop!

450. Lois! What are you doing here?

451. I'm here to get you out of this place, Peter.

452. I'm taking you back to Scott.

453. Really? You're not still upset about my leaving?

454. Peter, there's nothing I'd want more than to have you back,

455. but your place is in Scott now.

456. I mean, a person's sexual identity is no more a choice

457. than the color of his skin.

458. This is who you are.

459. I can't change you.

460. And it would be wrong for me to try.

461. Oh, Lois, you've made me happier than a pig among guinea pigs.

462. All right, I think we're all in agreement.

463. I'm in charge here.

464. Hi, Peter!

465. Hi, Scott!

466. Guess what?

467. I have a welcome-home surprise for you.

468. Dish, dish, dish!

469. Remember how you told me

470. your ultimate fantasy was to have an 11-way?

471. Oh, my God! Yes, I do. And you so did not even.

472. Oh, but I did.

473. Yoo-hoo! Guys!

474. Oh! Here are my notes about the gay gene.

475. Huh. It wears off after two-and-a-half weeks.

476. Oh, great! Now I can't find Mrs. Griffin's number!

477. Okay, everybody ready?

478. Oh, God! I feel like a kid in a candy store

479. who's having sex with a bunch of gay guys.

480. Ooh! Ooh!

481. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

482. Wait a minute.

483. What's going on here?

484. Holy crap!

485. These are mine!

486. So we're just, like, never going to talk about this again?

487. That's right, sweetie.

488. Well, I'm just happy to have your father home again.

489. Yeah. And thank God everything's back to normal.

490. Take back your horse!