1. (SINGING)
It seems today that all you seeCopy !req
2. Is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
3. But where are those
Good old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
4. On which we used to rely?Copy !req
5. Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
6. Lucky there's a man
Who positively can doCopy !req
7. All the things that make usCopy !req
8. Laugh and cryCopy !req
9. He's a family guy!Copy !req
10. Hey, where's Cleveland?Copy !req
11. Doesn't he have a relative
in town or something?Copy !req
12. I don't know, but I ordered him
a beer and now it's just sitting thereCopy !req
13. looking lonelier than
Alan Rickman's answering machine.Copy !req
14. (AS PROFESSOR SNAPE)
Hello. You've reachedCopy !req
15. Alan Rickman at 555-0122.Copy !req
16. Please leave a message at the beep.Copy !req
17. (AS PROFESSOR SNAPE)
Hello, Alan Rickman.Copy !req
18. It's Alan RickmanCopy !req
19. reminding you to move
the pork chops from the freezerCopy !req
20. to the refrigerator
so they defrost properly.Copy !req
21. Do not disappoint me.Copy !req
22. Hello.Copy !req
23. You've reached Alan Rickman at 555-0122.Copy !req
24. Please leave a message at the beep.Copy !req
25. Alan, it's me again.Copy !req
26. Remember that turtle joke for the party.Copy !req
27. Hey, y'all. I want you to meet
my cousin from Jamaica...Copy !req
28. Madame Claude.Copy !req
29. (IN JAMAICAN ACCENT) Nice to meet you all.Copy !req
30. You sound like the crab
from Little Mermaid.Copy !req
31. I had crabs once. It was awful.Copy !req
32. You got to buy that cream
that comes with the little comb.Copy !req
33. Of course, I can still use the comb.Copy !req
34. Well, that's Quagmire.Copy !req
35. And you know what else?
Madame Claude is psychic.Copy !req
36. She can tell you what
you were in a past life.Copy !req
37. I already know what I was.
A strawberry.Copy !req
38. Ah, it's another pleasant day for me...
Peter the strawberry.Copy !req
39. Hey, Mr. Worm.Copy !req
40. I welcome your arrival,
'cause we're all part of the same garden.Copy !req
41. - (NOISY CHEWING)
- Wait, what are you...Copy !req
42. Wait, hey! (BLOWING AIR)
Hey get out of here!Copy !req
43. Hey, uh... (SCREAMING)Copy !req
44. (CRYING) He was my neighbor
and he violated me!Copy !req
45. Now I'll never end up in a fancy pie!Copy !req
46. What do you say, Joe,
you want your past life read?Copy !req
47. - It'll be fun.
- Sure, why not.Copy !req
48. Okay, dear, close your eyes
and clear your mind.Copy !req
49. Okay, I'm seeing something...Copy !req
50. Joe, you were an octopus.Copy !req
51. Yes! Yes! this is so awesome!Copy !req
52. Damn it!Copy !req
53. Oh, that's so cool, that's so cool.
Do me next.Copy !req
54. I'm getting something.
I see you in London.Copy !req
55. I think it's the 1800's.Copy !req
56. Oh, my, you were Jack the Ripper!Copy !req
57. Giggity.Copy !req
58. - What about Peter?
- Yeah, Peter next.Copy !req
59. Oh, I don't think there's anything
in the black bag for me.Copy !req
60. You're wrong, Peter. Let us begin.Copy !req
61. Oh my, you were a very important man.Copy !req
62. You were Griffin Peterson.Copy !req
63. The founder of the city of Quahog.Copy !req
64. Now wait a second, Cool Runnings.Copy !req
65. We learned in school that
Miles "Chatterbox" MusketCopy !req
66. founded Quahog after
he was saved by the Magic Clam.Copy !req
67. No, that is a myth.Copy !req
68. Peter, you were the founder of Quahog.Copy !req
69. I see... I see England a long time ago.Copy !req
70. It is a crisp,
clear spring morning,Copy !req
71. and Griffin Peterson is riding
to the home of his beloved.Copy !req
72. Peterson, what are you doing here?Copy !req
73. Shouldn't you be down at your jobCopy !req
74. making oblong bricks
out of manure and straw?Copy !req
75. No, we're off. It's Martin Luther Day.Copy !req
76. - (CHUCKLES)
- Yes, that's a very smart joke.Copy !req
77. Isn't that right, comedy professors?Copy !req
78. - Ah. Well done.
- Indeed.Copy !req
79. - Now what do you want?
- I want to marry your daughter,Copy !req
80. and I'm here to ask for your blessing.Copy !req
81. What could you possibly have
to offer my daughter?Copy !req
82. Well, I'm one of the few
guys in this townCopy !req
83. who isn't dying a slow,
painful diarrhea death.Copy !req
84. All right, come on in.Copy !req
85. Knock, knock. Lady Redbush?Copy !req
86. Griffin! It's so good to see you.Copy !req
87. I'm so horny. Kiss my hand.Copy !req
88. What are you doing here?Copy !req
89. I was just walking off
the rotted goose anusCopy !req
90. I had for breakfast,
and I thought I'd come byCopy !req
91. and ask you a little question.Copy !req
92. What's that?Copy !req
93. - Will you marry me?
- (GASPS)Copy !req
94. Oh, my God, yes! Yes, I will, Griffin.Copy !req
95. Oh, I thought you'd never ask.Copy !req
96. - Did you do it?
- I did it.Copy !req
97. But in another partof London,Copy !req
98. there was a man who was not
in such good spirits.Copy !req
99. The King of England... Stewart the T'ird.Copy !req
100. Oh, I'm so bored.
I wish to be entertained.Copy !req
101. Where's my troupe of actors?Copy !req
102. Presenting the cast
of How I Met Your Mother.Copy !req
103. You told her I told you I kissed her?Copy !req
104. Dude, you broke the bro code.Copy !req
105. - That's not against the bro code.
- Yes, it is. Article 15-B.Copy !req
106. That's the heart of the bro code, man.Copy !req
107. Well, you're right.
I guess I did break the bro code.Copy !req
108. Hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
109. What is this? Are these jokes?Copy !req
110. Do people in other castles
think this is funny?Copy !req
111. Well, yeah, we get a pretty sizable
chunk of princes, 18 to 34.Copy !req
112. I think I'd like to delete
this from my TiVo.Copy !req
113. Are you sure you want
to delete this program?Copy !req
114. Yes.Copy !req
115. Bring me my mid-season
replacement fool.Copy !req
116. - Hi there.
- I want to hear some jokes, fool.Copy !req
117. Well, you know, I don't really tell jokes.Copy !req
118. I like to tell stories from my lifeCopy !req
119. and let the humor just flow organically
from everyday situations.Copy !req
120. Yeah, my Aunt Frida was a real card.Copy !req
121. She always had the most
wonderful spirit.Copy !req
122. Even when her mind started to go.Copy !req
123. I remember once she wrote
a letter to my Uncle TomCopy !req
124. from whom she'd been
divorced for several years.Copy !req
125. And in the letter she
misspelled his name T-O-M-M.Copy !req
126. And I said, "Frida, you've spelled
Tom's name wrong.Copy !req
127. "You need to take out
one of the M's."Copy !req
128. And she said, "Which one?"Copy !req
129. You know, you're going to be
(BLEEP) dead in five secondsCopy !req
130. if Aunt Frida doesn't throw
a pie at somebody.Copy !req
131. I mean, part of that is you sort
of have to know my family...Copy !req
132. Make me laugh!Copy !req
133. Hey, look, keys.Copy !req
134. That's so satirical.
What social commentary.Copy !req
135. Well, now I'm in a wonderful humor.
I wish to go for a walk into town.Copy !req
136. Hey, coachman, let's drive
on the left side of the roadCopy !req
137. and see if that catches on.Copy !req
138. Good Lord! Who is that?Copy !req
139. That's Lady RedbushCopy !req
140. and her husband-to-be, Griffin Peterson.Copy !req
141. That piece of ass is marrying
that tall glass of poop juice?Copy !req
142. Well, not if I have
anything to say about it.Copy !req
143. A woman of that caliber
should be married to a king.Copy !req
144. Well, what are you
going to do about him?Copy !req
145. I'm the king, jester.Copy !req
146. I'm going to have him exiled
to the farthest corner of the world.Copy !req
147. And then she'll be all mine.Copy !req
148. Why is he such a jerk to everybody?Copy !req
149. Because he has a very, very small penis.Copy !req
150. I've seen it actually, and it's like,Copy !req
151. you don't even want
to make fun of it, you know.Copy !req
152. It's just medically fascinating.Copy !req
153. I kind of want to see it.Copy !req
154. Yeah, it's like that
one grape in the bunchCopy !req
155. that never got to be a grape.Copy !req
156. I wonder what's keeping Griffin?Copy !req
157. Oh, I'm sure he'll be along, sweetie.Copy !req
158. Remember he's tubby.
It takes him a while to move around.Copy !req
159. I hope he didn't get diarrhea and die.Copy !req
160. Can I feel those boobs?Copy !req
161. No, Daddy! What, are you sick?Copy !req
162. Hey, it's a different time.Copy !req
163. What a wonderfully exciting day.Copy !req
164. I'm young, I'm all dressed upCopy !req
165. and I'm on my way to marry
the woman I love.Copy !req
166. And there's 290 years
separating meCopy !req
167. from the films of Kevin Smith.Copy !req
168. Hey, Peterson.Copy !req
169. - Who are you?
- I'm King Stewart.Copy !req
170. Don't you recognize me from the coins?Copy !req
171. Oh, yeah, the ones with your profile.Copy !req
172. You know, you look
really weird from the side.Copy !req
173. Well, that's something we didn't really
think out too well when we started.Copy !req
174. But never mind that!
You're going into exile, Peterson.Copy !req
175. I'm shipping you out
on the first boat to the New World.Copy !req
176. But I'm supposed to get married today.Copy !req
177. Oh, yeah? Where you going
for your honeymoon?Copy !req
178. - That medium-sized hill.
- Wrong. Seize him.Copy !req
179. And King Stewart's
crueltywas only just beginning.Copy !req
180. Maybe he changed his mind.Copy !req
181. Maybe he's not coming.Copy !req
182. Oh, come on, now.Copy !req
183. There, feel better after I just said that?Copy !req
184. - Give me one little touch.
- No!Copy !req
185. I hate this! I... I... I hate my life!Copy !req
186. - (GASPS) The King!
- The King is here!Copy !req
187. (MONTY PYTHON-STYLE SHREWISH VOICE)
I didn't vote for him.Copy !req
188. Your Majesty, this is a real honor.Copy !req
189. Carter Redbush. Very glad to meet you.Copy !req
190. (AS PAUL LYNDE) Hello. Harry McAfee.Copy !req
191. As a citizen, I'm proud
to have you reign over meCopy !req
192. and the McAfee Fertilizer Company.Copy !req
193. Lady Redbush, I wish
I was here on a happier errand,Copy !req
194. but I'm afraid I must inform you
that Griffin Peterson is dead.Copy !req
195. (GASPS) What?Copy !req
196. Now that some time has passed,
do you want to go out?Copy !req
197. With Griffin Peterson
exiled to the New WorldCopy !req
198. and Lady Redbush
believing he was dead,Copy !req
199. King Stewart was now free to marry her.Copy !req
200. The bride and groom
have written their own vows.Copy !req
201. Our love is like two figs
hanging from a fig tree,Copy !req
202. cradled by Cupid's own hand.Copy !req
203. You and I are like...Copy !req
204. Oh, I'm sorry. Is my wedding
interrupting your promotion?Copy !req
205. We're right in the middle
of our show, okay?Copy !req
206. Right now.
You have a time slot. Go there.Copy !req
207. Maybe finish this candy bar
before you open another one.Copy !req
208. Well, at least it wasn't
one of those promosCopy !req
209. where they have the whole cast
shoving each other playfullyCopy !req
210. like they're all good pals.Copy !req
211. Oh, look, there we go.Copy !req
212. Oh, look at them jostling
each other around.Copy !req
213. Oh, they give each other a hard time,
but they're friends.Copy !req
214. - Is that a real show?
- No, it's just...Copy !req
215. No, somebody's making a joke. Forget it.Copy !req
216. Meanwhile,
Griffin Petersonand the other exilesCopy !req
217. pass the time on the ship
to the New World.Copy !req
218. Aw, crap, a splinter.Copy !req
219. Well, it's been nice knowing you guys.Copy !req
220. So what'd you do to get exiled?Copy !req
221. I got caught pleasuring myselfCopy !req
222. to a painstakingly-etched
engraving of "The Wife of Bath."Copy !req
223. What'd you do?Copy !req
224. I slept with an underage virgin
to cure my puff penis.Copy !req
225. Hey, fellas, you want to join me
in a game of mumble peg?Copy !req
226. - Oh, no thanks.
- Fine. I'll play by myself.Copy !req
227. One-nothing.Copy !req
228. Eventually,
aftermany months at sea,Copy !req
229. Griffin Peterson and his shipmates
finally reached the New World.Copy !req
230. I declare this land Quahog.Copy !req
231. This place is nothing but a wilderness.
What are we going to do?Copy !req
232. We're going to build a new settlement.Copy !req
233. We'll have a happy new life
and we'll have equal rights for all.Copy !req
234. Except blacks, Asians, Hispanics,
Jews, gays, women, Muslims...Copy !req
235. Um, everybody who's not a white man.Copy !req
236. And I mean, white-white,
so no Italians, no Polish...Copy !req
237. Just people from Ireland,
England, and Scotland.Copy !req
238. But only certain parts
of Scotland and Ireland.Copy !req
239. Just full-blooded whites.Copy !req
240. No, you know what? Not even whites.
Nobody gets any rights.Copy !req
241. Ah, America.Copy !req
242. How's your stewed fox quail, my dear?Copy !req
243. Oh, it's quite good.
I'm also enjoying the turtled hen.Copy !req
244. Isn't the turtled hen good?Copy !req
245. So, listen. You and I need
to have a conversationCopy !req
246. about you not bearing me a son.Copy !req
247. Well, my lord, we've discussed this.Copy !req
248. We have to have sex in order
for me to bear you a son.Copy !req
249. Oh, I know. I've just been so tired
and I've had so much work,Copy !req
250. and I think I wanted to the other day,
but I couldn't find you, so...Copy !req
251. You know, it's like both of us
and our schedules, you know?Copy !req
252. Well, why don't we do it tonight?Copy !req
253. Maybe. Tonight might work. Yeah...Copy !req
254. Oh, no! I got that thing in the morning.Copy !req
255. Oh, how about tomorrow at 4:00?Copy !req
256. You know I'm with my mother
tomorrow at 4:00.Copy !req
257. Oh, darn it. I'm going to be
so horny tomorrow at 4:00.Copy !req
258. You know, I got to say,
I'm a little mad at youCopy !req
259. for not being more available.Copy !req
260. Well, we can have sex
right now on the table.Copy !req
261. Hey, hey, hey. Hey. Hey.Copy !req
262. We eat here.Copy !req
263. Griffin Peterson
and the othercolonistsCopy !req
264. worked day and nightCopy !req
265. to build their new settlement
until finally, after much hard work,Copy !req
266. the colony of Quahog was complete.Copy !req
267. It didn't take long before QuahogCopy !req
268. was a thriving New World settlement,
bustling with life.Copy !req
269. Boy, everything's shaping up real nice.Copy !req
270. Yeah, and we finally finished
the town abortion clinic.Copy !req
271. Time had helped
Griffinforget Lady RedbushCopy !req
272. and soon he found himself
a hearty new wife.Copy !req
273. Boy, that was fantastic.Copy !req
274. You must have had a lot of practice.Copy !req
275. No, not really.
I've been saving myself for marriage.Copy !req
276. We should probably
open up some windows.Copy !req
277. I don't know what to do, Jester.Copy !req
278. I can't be married to the king anymore.Copy !req
279. My heart still belongs
to Griffin Peterson.Copy !req
280. - But he's dead.
- (SIGHS)Copy !req
281. - No, he's not.
- What?Copy !req
282. I was ordered to keep silent by the king
under threat of execution,Copy !req
283. but you're going to see this anyway.Copy !req
284. (GASPS) Oh, my God!Copy !req
285. He's alive!
Jester, I've got to get to him.Copy !req
286. I'll help you,
but only if I can go with you.Copy !req
287. If I stay here, the king will execute me
for telling you all this.Copy !req
288. Well, okay,
but how are we going to get there?Copy !req
289. We'll hitch a ride on one
of the slave ships tomorrow night.Copy !req
290. After an all new Shovin' Buddies.Copy !req
291. Followed by an all new
Slowly Rotating Black Man.Copy !req
292. And so,
Lady Redbush sailed offCopy !req
293. to the New World to find her beloved.Copy !req
294. And the timing was good because
his new wifewas a pain in him ass.Copy !req
295. And then I finished scrubbing the kettle,Copy !req
296. but then I saw that I'd missed
a spot and, oh, I was so worriedCopy !req
297. that the whole thing wasn't
clean enough, so I went backCopy !req
298. and started washing it again
and sure enough,Copy !req
299. I'd missed another spot.Copy !req
300. And there was a clump
of cornmeal under the rimCopy !req
301. - from when I made breakfast.
- Shut up, Meg! I prithee, shut up!Copy !req
302. Griffin!Copy !req
303. Lady Redbush.Copy !req
304. And so,
Griffin Petersonand Lady RedbushCopy !req
305. were happily reunited.Copy !req
306. Of course, Griffin had to go throughCopy !req
307. the complex, extensive
divorce procedureCopy !req
308. required by 18th century society.Copy !req
309. Gone? What do you mean, she's gone?Copy !req
310. Sire, Lady Redbush has been
gone these six months.Copy !req
311. - Six months?
- Yes.Copy !req
312. Forgive me, sire, but how
could you not be aware of this?Copy !req
313. Don't you share a bedchamber with her?Copy !req
314. Well, I mean, sometimes.
I mean, we sleep...Copy !req
315. We... We... We go to different...Copy !req
316. Uh, we got to bed at different times.Copy !req
317. We've both been so busy.
It's been ridiculous.Copy !req
318. I thought she was taking
a class or something.Copy !req
319. Oh, man, that sucks
because I'm so horny!Copy !req
320. Damn it! Oh, I wanted
to do sex to her tonight.Copy !req
321. Well, then, I guess
we've got to go get her.Copy !req
322. Yeah, all right.Copy !req
323. Months rolled by
and Griffin and Lady RedbushCopy !req
324. continued to flourish happily
in the colony of Quahog,Copy !req
325. completely unaware that
King Stewart was on the march.Copy !req
326. (SINGING)
There was a peaceful town called QuahogCopy !req
327. Where people lived in harmonyCopy !req
328. They never had no kind of troubleCopy !req
329. There was no hint of miseryCopy !req
330. Then all at once the trouble startedCopy !req
331. A pack of murderers and thievesCopy !req
332. Like swarms of locusts they descendedCopy !req
333. Their aim to make the town folk fleeCopy !req
334. They've got to be here somewhere.Copy !req
335. Where's my first lieutenant?Copy !req
336. Here I am, sir. Yes, sir. Right, indeed.Copy !req
337. Here, indeed. Yes, I am, sir.Copy !req
338. I want you to turn this
settlement upside downCopy !req
339. until you find Lady Redbush
and Griffin Peterson.Copy !req
340. That fat bastard thinksCopy !req
341. he can steal my bride
and get away with it?Copy !req
342. I wouldn't bet a corn
farthing on him escaping.Copy !req
343. No, I wouldn't. Not a corn
farthing would I bet. No, sir.Copy !req
344. What's wrong with you?Copy !req
345. Little wrong in the head, I am,
from eating some bad sausages.Copy !req
346. Yes, sir, bad sausages did I eat,
indeed, sir.Copy !req
347. Yes, I did. Some bad sausages, ate I.Copy !req
348. Oh, Griffin, this time together
has been the happiest of my life.Copy !req
349. Me, too, Lady Redbush.Copy !req
350. All those months I was without you,Copy !req
351. I never stopped seeing your face
in the back of my wife's head.Copy !req
352. And all those months
I was sailing for the New World,Copy !req
353. I saw your face in
every slave's stomach.Copy !req
354. Tell me we'll be together forever.Copy !req
355. We will.Copy !req
356. I found 'em, Your Majesty.
Indeed, yes I did.Copy !req
357. Found 'em did I.
Indeed, yes, sir, I did.Copy !req
358. Yeah, okay, okay, whatever.
All right, Peterson,Copy !req
359. two things are gonna happen here.Copy !req
360. I'm gonna take my wife back
and then I'm gonna kill you.Copy !req
361. All right, all right, Mr. King, sir.Copy !req
362. You win. I'm sorry, Lady Redbush,
but he is your husband.Copy !req
363. Let me just, uh, walk over here
and get your things for you.Copy !req
364. Nyah-ha! All right, Your Majesty.Copy !req
365. If you want to leave with
your pal in one piece,Copy !req
366. I suggest you throw
down your weapons.Copy !req
367. - Aah!
- Go ahead and kill him, Griffin.Copy !req
368. You kill him and I'll kill her.Copy !req
369. Go ahead. You kill her, I'll kill him.Copy !req
370. Go ahead. You kill him, I'll kill her.Copy !req
371. Knock yourself out.
You kill her, I'll kill him.Copy !req
372. (LAUGHS) This is me laughing.Copy !req
373. You kill him, I'll kill her.Copy !req
374. (LAUGHS) This is me before
Ultra Slim-Fast.Copy !req
375. You kill her, I'll kill him.Copy !req
376. Wait, wait! There's got to be
a better way to settle this.Copy !req
377. - Talent show?
- Talent show.Copy !req
378. Hear ye, hear ye.Copy !req
379. This talent competition will
decide rightful possessionCopy !req
380. of the good Lady Redbush and
control of the Colony of Quahog.Copy !req
381. We first present King Stewart of EnglandCopy !req
382. with some observational humor.Copy !req
383. Hi, there, everybody.Copy !req
384. You know,
my Aunt Frida was a real card.Copy !req
385. She always had the most
wonderful spirit...Copy !req
386. Even when her mind started to go.Copy !req
387. What the (BLEEP)Copy !req
388. I remember once she wrote
a letter to my Uncle TomCopy !req
389. from whom she'd been
divorced for several years.Copy !req
390. And in the letter,
she misspelled his name T-O-M-M.Copy !req
391. This is my bit.
These are all my bits.Copy !req
392. - Shh. This is funny.
- Unbelievable.Copy !req
393. And I said,
"Frida, you've spelled Tom's name wrong.Copy !req
394. "You need to take out one of the M's."Copy !req
395. And she said, "Which one?"Copy !req
396. (SINGING)
Clap your hands, everybodyCopy !req
397. And everybody clap your handsCopy !req
398. We are the Quahog colonistsCopy !req
399. - And Mort the Jew
- Hey thereCopy !req
400. We're out here on stage tonight
To do a show for youCopy !req
401. We got Peterson on the violinCopy !req
402. And Quagmire and Joe will be joining inCopy !req
403. We got Stumpy Seamus on the lead guitarCopy !req
404. And he's gonna give you a great big...Copy !req
405. Arrr!Copy !req
406. Break!Copy !req
407. Oh, God,
they put so much work into theirs.Copy !req
408. I didn't know we could rip off movies.Copy !req
409. And from then on,
Lady Redbushand Griffin PetersonCopy !req
410. lived in peace and happiness.Copy !req
411. Oh, Griffin, I love you.Copy !req
412. And I, you.Copy !req
413. Let's grow old into our 30s together.Copy !req
414. I want to have a baby with you.Copy !req
415. And I want to be there when
you die giving birth to it.Copy !req
416. And so ends the tale
of Griffin PetersonCopy !req
417. and the founding of Quahog.Copy !req
418. Well, what a bunch
of delightfully colorful characters.Copy !req
419. - So, was that it?
- That's it.Copy !req
420. Now stay tuned for an all-new
Cross-armed Opposites.Copy !req
421. This guy.Copy !req
422. No, this guy.Copy !req
423. No, this guy.Copy !req
424. No, this guy.Copy !req
425. Both of us.Copy !req