Family Guy 7x12

Directed by Julius Wu

Adam West as Mayor Adam West (voice) • Kerrigan Mahan as Various (voice) • Lori Alan as Diane Simmons (voice) • Chris Cox as Various (voice) • Phil LaMarr as Ollie Williams (voice) • Adam West as Adam West (voice) • Lori Alan as Diane Simmons / Girl (voice) • Patrick Warburton as Joe Swanson (voice)

Brian and Stewie attempt to rally Quahog to try and legalize marijuana.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. It seems today that all you see Is violence in moviesand sex on TV

2. But where are those Good old-fashioned values

3. On which we used to rely?

4. Lucky there's a family guy

5. Lucky there's a man who Positively can do

6. All the things that make us

7. Laugh and cry!

8. He's a family guy!

9. Hey, Quagmire.

10. Peter, I want you and the guys

11. to come over to my house right now.

12. - We're drinking. What for? - Just... Just come over.

13. - I want you to see something. - (SIGHS) All right.

14. Come on, guys. We're going to Quagmire's.

15. All right, hang on.

16. I got to go to the bathroom first.

17. Okay, let's go.

18. Oh, finally. Come on, come on. Come on inside.

19. Well, what is it?

20. What's the big damn deal?

21. Look.

22. It's a cat.

23. Yeah! I just got him today.

24. His name's James.

25. Isn't he just the cutest thing you've ever seen?

26. Hi, James.

27. Oh, my God!

28. Watch when I scratch his bottom, he sticks his fanny in the air.

29. Uh, oh, we have liftoff.

30. We have liftoff.

31. Oh, come here, James.

32. What the hell we doing?

33. Quagmire, since when do you like cats?

34. Since I found this little guy living under my house.

35. I'll tell you this, I understand now

36. why the pharaohs worshipped these animals.

37. Oh, look, Joe, he's making friends.

38. Oh, sorry.

39. You know, you know what? It's all right, Quagmire.

40. That leg is... Is mostly pus.

41. Oh, okay.

42. Here it comes, James.

43. Here comes the part I was telling you about.

44. Ah!

45. You're one of those!

46. I hate Quagmire lately.

47. Me, too.

48. That cat has totally changed his personality.

49. Yeah, like when I went over to his house the other day.

50. (HIGH VOICE) Who is it?

51. It's me, Quagmire.

52. I need to borrow your lawn mower.

53. Oh, Quagmire's not here.

54. It's just me, James. I'm supposed to watch the house.

55. Come on, Quagmire.

56. It's 97 degrees out here. We're two grown men.

57. Are you selling yarn?

58. 'Cause I love yarn!

59. No, I need to borrow your lawn mower.

60. Oh, I don't think Quagmire wants me to do that.

61. Oh, come on.

62. I don't think Quagmire appreciated

63. the condition you returned it in last time.

64. Glenn, can I just...

65. (NORMAL VOICE) No, you can't have it.

66. Hey, guys, it's James' birthday tomorrow.

67. Would you all sign his card?

68. You want us to sign a card for your cat?

69. Yeah, and don't just put your name, write something clever.

70. God, I hate having to come up with something on the spot.

71. Um...

72. "Have a mice day.

73. "Best fishes. Peter."

74. (SIGHS) Thanks. That's great.

75. Well, I got to get going.

76. I'm heading off to Vermont to get James' birthday present.

77. There's this neat little store called Cattitudes

78. that makes all this neat cat stuff.

79. See you guys later.

80. What a queer.

81. He's going all the way to Vermont

82. for cat gifts and whatnot?

83. You can get a scratching post

84. down at Walmart for two dollars.

85. Pair of Lee jeans for nine dollars.

86. You know, they got seats for children now

87. you put them right in your car?

88. Supposed to make them safer.

89. Only problem is, you can't lean your seat all the way back. Oh.

90. We got to do something about this.

91. His whole life is about that stupid cat.

92. Hey, you know, the cat's alone at Quagmire's right now.

93. You know what we should do?

94. We should go over there and shave it.

95. That's a great idea.

96. Let's do it! Let's shave the cat!

97. Oh, boy, I usually only get this excited

98. when they say the title of a movie in the movie.

99. I'm telling you these drug dealers represent

100. a clear and present danger to the United States.

101. Ah! Ah! He said it! He said it!

102. All I'm saying is what if this is as good as it gets?

103. Ah! Ah! There it is! There it is!

104. The only way for me to solve this crisis

105. is to be Superman IV: the Quest for Peace.

106. Oh, that's why they call it that.

107. All right, the cat's got to be in here.

108. Hey, let's take a man-sized poop in his cat box

109. so he thinks there's something really wrong with him.

110. There it is!

111. Rock and roll!

112. Yeah! Shaving time!

113. All right, hand me the razor.

114. - Oh, my God! - Peter, you killed it!

115. Will you guys relax.

116. He's got eight more lives.

117. Okay, seven more lives.

118. Six.

119. Five.

120. Four. Three.

121. Peter, stop doing what you're doing.

122. What do we do?

123. All right, all right, I have an idea.

124. How about we hide the cat's body and leave that window open?

125. And that way, it'll seem like the cat ran away.

126. We'll never get away with that.

127. Oh, we just might.

128. You see, I've got a lucky cat's foot.

129. You know, Peter, it's sort of adding insult to injury,

130. raiding Quagmire's fridge for beer after you killed his cat.

131. Or is it?

132. Is my response.

133. Aw, crap.

134. God, I hate cops.

135. Almost as much as I hated my overly sensitive car alarm.

136. - (CAR ALARM BLARING) - Son of a bitch!

137. What do we got, partner?

138. Empty alcohol containers.

139. The driver is inebriated and covered in blood.

140. He's got scratches on his face and arms.

141. There's a blood-soaked corpse in the backseat.

142. Got shovels in there and a hand-drawn map titled

143. "This Is Where We'll Hide the Body."

144. Well, that all seems fine.

145. Sorry to bother you, sir.

146. Pot! Small amount of pot!

147. You're under arrest, dirtbag!

148. Oh, come on!

149. I don't appreciate drug addicts in my town!

150. I'm a family guy.

151. Ah! Ah! Ah! He said it!

152. All right, Brian, your family's here to bail you out.

153. Brian, if you don't mind, we'll start thinking up

154. our prison rape jokes immediately.

155. I'll break the ice.

156. Hey, Brian, did you do hard time or hardly working?

157. Penis.

158. All right, well, all the pieces are there.

159. Somebody make something out of that.

160. Hey, Brian, who's your favorite baseball player?

161. Albert Pujols?

162. Chris, stop it! Come on.

163. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail.

164. And when we get to the car,

165. would you like a doughnut to sit on?

166. (LAUGHING) You see, I'm part of it!

167. I'm part of it like everyone else!

168. I can't believe they threw me in jail for a quarter ounce of pot.

169. Well, Brian, it's your own fault.

170. I mean, pot is illegal for a reason.

171. Lois, don't be a hypocrite.

172. You've smoked pot.

173. Well, sure, Brian,

174. but I'm thinking about the children.

175. Pot's illegal mainly to protect them.

176. No, no, pot is illegal

177. because William Randolph Hearst ran a smear campaign

178. against marijuana in the 1930s

179. to protect his interests in the timber industry

180. because hemp was poised to replace wood

181. as an inexpensive raw material for the manufacture of paper.

182. There's your smear campaign right there, Brian.

183. Mom's right. Drugs are bad, Brian.

184. I mean, haven't you seen those commercials?

185. Open up, Brian. It's Joe. - Crap.

186. Uh, uh, j... Just a sec.

187. Brian, under your probation,

188. you're required to submit to random drug tests.

189. I need some urine.

190. You mean right now?

191. Yes, right now.

192. Here are some magazines to get you going.

193. Uh, how' that gonna...?

194. Oh, sorry, it's, uh, been a while.

195. Look, I don't really feel comfortable doing this in front of you.

196. Fine, I'll wait outside.

197. - Here's a bottle of lotion. - Uh, Joe...

198. Right, sorry.

199. - Stewie, I need your urine. - (GASPS)

200. Really?

201. Yeah, Joe's doing a drug test, and if I give him some of mine,

202. he's going to know I've been smoking pot,

203. so I need some of your urine so I can...

204. Uh, you don't have to be naked for this.

205. But I don't have to not be naked for it either.

206. A-ha.

207. Come on, Stewie. Hurry up and pee.

208. Joe's waiting for me.

209. Brian, you know I can't go unless you stare at it.

210. Brian, what the hell?

211. - Uh... Hey, Lois. - (GASPS)

212. The jig's up, Brian. Run!

213. Brian, is this how you're trying to pass your drug test,

214. by stealing a baby's urine?

215. My God, that is just sick.

216. No, what's sick is making marijuana illegal

217. when it's been proven

218. that it does less damage to you than alcohol.

219. No, what's sick is the plot of the movie Baby Mama.

220. What happens when a 40-year-old woman

221. asks her 41-year-old friend to carry her baby?

222. Push, Angie, push, push harde... Oh, it's dead.

223. Brian, when you have to go to these lengths

224. just to get away with smoking pot,

225. it's time to make a change.

226. You're right, Lois. It is time to make a change.

227. Thank you.

228. It's time for Quahog to legalize marijuana.

229. Well, that's not exactly what I meant.

230. "Hey, check out the size of Stewie's penis."

231. Oh, come on, guys. It's just the way God made me.

232. No more oppression!

233. We, as American adults with free will,

234. have the right to use marijuana if we choose to!

235. Enough government profiteering under the guise of morality!

236. Enough with this phony war on drugs!

237. You know, you're going about this all wrong, Brian.

238. If you want to win people over,

239. you can't just drone on like Ben Stein.

240. You've got to have a little more showmanship.

241. Here, watch.

242. Now, everybody gather 'round

243. And listen if you would

244. When I tell you every person Needs a way of feeling good

245. Every kitty needs a ball of String and every dog a stick

246. But all you need is a bag Of weed to really get a kick

247. One, two, three, four

248. Five, six, seven, eight

249. A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed

250. Oh, everything is better With a bag o' weed

251. It's the only help That you'll ever need

252. Because everything is better With a bag o' weed

253. There you go! You're all getting it now.

254. They go assault a queer

255. They rent The Rocketeer

256. - He humps a guy like me - Right!

257. But all we need Is a bag o' weed

258. To keep us worry-free

259. One, two, three

260. Oh, a bag o' weed, A bag o' weed

261. Oh, everything is better With a bag o' weed

262. No, you don't need meth And you don't need speed

263. Because everything is better With a bag of weed

264. Have a go, Brian.

265. As Mr. H. L. Mencken said, "The common man's a fool "

266. And just like Helen Keller said

267. "Doof doogie beebo bool"

268. But try and use your heads

269. - And don't buy into all the fear - Hey!

270. 'Cause all we need is a bag O' weed to make us wanna cheer

271. And one, two, A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed

272. Oh, everything is better With a bag o' weed

273. You can try and fight But we're all agreed

274. Because everything is better with a bag o' weed

275. One, two, three, four

276. Five, six, seven, hey

277. And a one, two, three, four

278. And a five and a six And a seven, oh!

279. A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed

280. Oh, everything is better With a bag o' weed

281. You're a happy guy When you plant the seed

282. Because everything is better

283. With a bag... Of... Weed

284. Oh, everything is better With a bag o' weed

285. As mayor of Quahog,

286. I hereby sign into law

287. the legalization of marijuana.

288. Good evening, everyone.

289. Our top story: marijuana is now legal.

290. Le... Le... Is now legal.

291. Legal in Quahog.

292. And it's made everything...

293. Just so great.

294. Okay, you... You can read the next one.

295. - No, you can. - No, you.

296. Okay, okay, okay.

297. L... Let's... Let's read it both together.

298. - Okay... Okay. - Ready?

299. Here's Ollie Williams with a BlaccuWeather forecast.

300. How's the weather look, Ollie?

301. Not too bad.

302. Right on.

303. See, Lois?

304. Tell me things in Quahog aren't better now.

305. It's just weird, Brian.

306. I still don't think I'm comfortable

307. with the whole idea.

308. Look, Lois, ever since marijuana was legalized,

309. crime has gone down, productivity is up,

310. and ratings for Doctor Who are through the roof.

311. Yeah, but Peter's so baked lately,

312. he can hardly set up a cutaway.

313. Man, this is even better than...

314. Uh, no, wait.

315. No, this is worse than...

316. This, uh, better... I don't know.

317. Here... Here's a list of celebrities I don't like.

318. Hello, Griffin.

319. Mr. Pewterschmidt?

320. Hey, how you been?

321. - Not good. - Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

322. Wow, a limo, huh?

323. Hey, are these Diet Rites just to take?

324. No! Those are my Diet Rites.

325. Now, listen, Griffin.

326. Thanks to your dog's stupid marijuana crusade,

327. people are using hemp for everything:

328. fabric, fuel, and paper.

329. Which means I'm losing billions

330. in timber dollars.

331. I had to sell my Bangles records.

332. I was still working on memorizing all the words.

333. My back is hurting From the chair I'm sitting on

334. Where's the Tylenol?

335. If I lay down flat on the floor

336. It usually kind of fixes it

337. Tony Danza from Who's the Boss says

338. A-oh, a-oh

339. Oh-a, oh-a, oh

340. I'm losing money, and it's your dog's fault.

341. Now I have to get hemp illegalized again,

342. and the only way to do that

343. is to start a fear campaign

344. designed to turn people against pot.

345. Will you help me?

346. Gosh, Mr. Pewterschmidt,

347. I could never go against Brian like that.

348. I'll give you this light-up butterfly yo-yo.

349. (GASPS) To keep?

350. Not to keep! You can use it today

351. and one more day in the summer.

352. - Yeah! - Pull over.

353. Bye.

354. All right, Carter.

355. I finished cutting together our anti-pot video.

356. Take a look.

357. (OVER TV) Hey, I got a great idea.

358. Let's kill six million Jews.

359. Hooray! Yeah! Yeah, I'm on board.

360. How did you come up with that?

361. I got the idea from...

362. From... While... From while I was smoking pot.

363. Anybody else who likes pot, reach for my joint.

364. Oh, there it is.

365. Give us some of that.

366. Perhaps later.

367. Now let's go to France

368. and steal all their objects d'art.

369. Yay, all right. Let's go to France.

370. Not bad, huh?

371. Ah, damn it. That was Fox News.

372. Apparently, they own the rights to Hitler's likeness,

373. and they won't have him slandered.

374. Hi, I'm Peter.

375. You know me from the movie,

376. Harold, Kumar, and Peter Go to White Castle.

377. As you can see, I'm enjoying a White Castle burger.

378. Why?

379. Because I don't do drugs.

380. Took me five minutes to get to White Castle.

381. I didn't get diverted by all those crazy high jinks.

382. 'Cause I don't get high.

383. It was a good movie, though.

384. You know, Neil Patrick Harris got the job

385. on How I Met Your Mother 'cause of that movie.

386. You know, I've only seen that show once,

387. but I got to tell you, what's really weird to me is

388. why is the voice of the guy from the future Bob Saget?

389. I mean, the guy on the show... He's already an adult.

390. You know, so it's not like he's going to grow into Bob Saget.

391. Doesn't make sense.

392. Thank you for your time.

393. Well, what do you think?

394. Look, Daddy, I agree with what you're trying to do,

395. but I just don't think this is going to work.

396. It's so artificial.

397. You're asking for a spanking, young lady.

398. - Yeah. All right!

399. Peter, the reason Brian succeeded in his cause

400. is that he spoke with such passion.

401. No offense, but you two

402. just don't have that talent.

403. Are you kidding?

404. I can be very persuasive.

405. That's how I used to lure wayward sailors

406. to their deaths with my siren song.

407. Hello, Brian.

408. You're looking good.

409. Nice shiny coat.

410. Don't try to butter me up, Carter.

411. Why did you call me here?

412. Come inside.

413. There's something I want to show you.

414. What's this?

415. It's your novel, Brian.

416. Faster than the Speed of Love.

417. Ready to ship out tomorrow.

418. All you have to do

419. is publicly come out against pot.

420. Forget it, Carter.

421. I'm not going to take your bribe.

422. I don't care if you printed a million copies.

423. I printed two million.

424. And I even commissioned an oil painting

425. for your author's photo.

426. And what's this?

427. Is this an Oprah Book Club sticker?

428. I think it is.

429. Wait, really?

430. Oh, my God.

431. Plus, I can get you a night in bed with Oprah.

432. - Uh... - Okay, just the sticker, then.

433. So, what do you say? Is it a deal?

434. You don't have to sell out like this, Brian.

435. Your novel is good enough

436. to be published on its own merits.

437. - You think so? - Yeah, you bet.

438. This is your shot, Brian.

439. You can be a superstar author.

440. All you got to do is make

441. an impassioned anti-pot speech in public.

442. Forget it, Carter.

443. Even Stewie says the book is good enough on its own.

444. - Right, Stewie? - Uh...

445. Maybe do a song about why pot is bad.

446. And that's why pot is bad

447. I've heard all I need to make an informed decision.

448. Marijuana is hereby re-illegalized.

449. In other news, a local Quahog author

450. has set a record for the worst selling novel of all time.

451. Brian Griffin's Faster than the Speed of Love

452. has astonishingly not sold a single copy,

453. thanks to universal panning by literary critics.

454. Coming up: children are getting sexier,

455. and that's...

456. That's pretty cool.

457. This is so humiliating.

458. I sold out everything I believed in,

459. and I have nothing to show for it.

460. My book's a bomb.

461. Well, look at it this way.

462. You did accomplish something.

463. Marijuana is illegal because of you.

464. And Stewie got to build a nice little fort

465. with all of your unsold books.

466. My house is made of mediocrity.

467. Hey, guys, I want you to know

468. I'm raising my reward to $50

469. for anyone who can help me find James.

470. No questions asked.

471. I killed your cat.