1. (SINGING) It seems today that all you see
is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
2. But where are those
good old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
3. On which we used to rely?Copy !req
4. Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
5. Lucky there's a man who
positively can doCopy !req
6. All the things that make usCopy !req
7. Laugh and cry!Copy !req
8. He's a family guy!Copy !req
9. Check it out, guys,
new driver's license.Copy !req
10. What's wrong with
your picture?Copy !req
11. Well, see, I got drunk
and then got my picture taken,Copy !req
12. so that way when I get pulled
over for drunk driving,Copy !req
13. I look the same
as on my license.Copy !req
14. You know, and then the copper'll say,Copy !req
15. "Oh, you're fine,
you're not drunk.Copy !req
16. "This is you normal.
I can tell by the picture."Copy !req
17. I wish I'd thought of that.Copy !req
18. I just got my new
license a month ago.Copy !req
19. What's with the big grin?Copy !req
20. Oh, I had just gotten a
new tube of Aquafresh,Copy !req
21. and I was feeling cocky.Copy !req
22. Hey, let's see yours, Quagmire.Copy !req
23. Wait a second,
you were born in 1948?Copy !req
24. Uh, yeah.Copy !req
25. You're 61 years old?Copy !req
26. Uh, yes, sir.Copy !req
27. What's your secret?Copy !req
28. Uh, carrots.Copy !req
29. Sometimes I grind 'em up into
juice or just eat 'em raw...Copy !req
30. or insert them anally.Copy !req
31. Long as I get 'em
into my body somehow.Copy !req
32. Chicka-chickah.Copy !req
33. And now back to
the Fox News Report with Rhonda Latimer.Copy !req
34. Oh, God, that new Fox News
reporter is so freaking hot.Copy !req
35. Good evening,
I'm Rhonda Latimer for Fox News.Copy !req
36. Here are tonight's top stories.Copy !req
37. Oh, she is just
so smoking hot.Copy !req
38. God, I would do things
to her that...Copy !req
39. she would probably
laugh at.Copy !req
40. You bitch!Copy !req
41. Change it to Fox News.
It's time for Rhonda Latimer.Copy !req
42. - (SIGHS)
- ... and we also want to remind youCopy !req
43. that Fox News switches to
high-definition starting Monday.Copy !req
44. Aw, crap, does this mean
we got to get a new TV?Copy !req
45. Looks that way.Copy !req
46. Great, I need another expense
like I need a hole in the head,Copy !req
47. and I don't need that.Copy !req
48. I'm telling you,
this thing has turned outCopy !req
49. to be nothing but a burden.Copy !req
50. Oh, my God, Peter!Copy !req
51. When did you get that?Copy !req
52. Ah, a few of the fellas
at work talked me into it,Copy !req
53. said it was something
I might need.Copy !req
54. It's horrible.Copy !req
55. And the worst thing is,Copy !req
56. I found out I got it
on the gay side.Copy !req
57. Hey, are you coming out
tonight?Copy !req
58. I'm not gay, they put the
hole on the wrong side.Copy !req
59. All right, family, the wait is over.Copy !req
60. I give you high-def television.Copy !req
61. Ooh, can I have the box?Copy !req
62. Look at me, I'm an Iraq War vet
in ten years.Copy !req
63. No, we're going
to take good care of them.Copy !req
64. Wow, look at that HD picture.Copy !req
65. Yeah, it's so clear,Copy !req
66. you can even see
Ellen DeGeneres' breath.Copy !req
67. Well, my guest today
is, uh, Seth Rogen,Copy !req
68. who's got a
new movie out.Copy !req
69. Now, Seth, this movie is hot.Copy !req
70. It's just hot, hot, hot.Copy !req
71. How does it feel to have the
hottest film in Hollywood?Copy !req
72. What the (BLEEP)?Copy !req
73. And now, the real reason
to have an HDTV.Copy !req
74. And now, the Fox News
6:00 report with Rhonda Latimer.Copy !req
75. In high-definition.Copy !req
76. Good evening, everyone,
and I hope you're as thrilledCopy !req
77. about the new format change
as I am.Copy !req
78. Aah!Copy !req
79. - Aah!
- Aah!Copy !req
80. - Aah!
- Aah!Copy !req
81. - Aah!
- Aah!Copy !req
82. - Oh, no.
I know.Copy !req
83. Oh...Copy !req
84. Aah...Copy !req
85. I'll get all of the "A's
out of my body.Copy !req
86. Aah...Copy !req
87. We interrupt this report
to inform youCopy !req
88. Rhonda Latimer has been
relocated to Guantanamo Bay.Copy !req
89. Coming up, the new format
that makes HD obsolete.Copy !req
90. Son of a bitch!Copy !req
91. Mom, do you ever feel...
not so fresh down there?Copy !req
92. No, there must be
something wrong with you.Copy !req
93. Really?Copy !req
94. Yeah, I've never
had that problemCopy !req
95. and I don't know
any woman who has.Copy !req
96. Hey, look at this.Copy !req
97. Fox News is looking
for a replacementCopy !req
98. for Rhonda Latimer.Copy !req
99. Hey, Mom,
you should try out.Copy !req
100. I mean,
you majored in journalismCopy !req
101. and you've never done
anything with it.Copy !req
102. Well, I did write
for my college newspaper.Copy !req
103. Yeah, didn't you do an interviewCopy !req
104. with that fast-talking FedEx guy?Copy !req
105. Yeah, I ended up dating him
for three months.Copy !req
106. That's a beautiful shade
of lipstick.Copy !req
107. I bet you enjoy
the music of Men At Work.Copy !req
108. You're incredibly foxy,
take off your shirt,Copy !req
109. take off your pants. Wow,
what a body, that feels good.Copy !req
110. I'll give you a call.
You'd better get tested.Copy !req
111. Yeah, Mom,
you should be a reporter.Copy !req
112. Well, I mean, I guess
there's no harm in trying out.Copy !req
113. Hey, Lois,
little less yakety-yak,Copy !req
114. little more cutting up
my banana.Copy !req
115. What am I supposed to do,
stick the whole thing in my mouth?Copy !req
116. I mean— Oh, hello.Copy !req
117. Lois, you can't
possibly be consideringCopy !req
118. working for Fox News.Copy !req
119. Well, why not?Copy !req
120. Why not? Because they're evil
and they distort the truthCopy !req
121. and they do the bidding
of the Republican Party.Copy !req
122. I mean, what other reasons
do you need?Copy !req
123. Don't listen to Brian, Lois.
You'd be great on camera,Copy !req
124. like I was when I played
that dead body on Law & Order...Copy !req
125. Well, until I got
that itch in my crotch.Copy !req
126. The contusion
on his left temple impliesCopy !req
127. he was hit by a blunt object,
and the cuts imply a struggle.Copy !req
128. So it was murder.Copy !req
129. But the question is who?Copy !req
130. Well, whoever it was wears nail polish.Copy !req
131. We found traces in the wounds.Copy !req
132. Well, that narrows it down.Copy !req
133. At least we know it wasn't the father.Copy !req
134. Yeah, but we still
got to find out...Copy !req
135. Oh... thank God.Copy !req
136. All right, Fox News auditions,
take one.Copy !req
137. And even though this
Iraqi veteran lost his hands,Copy !req
138. he didn't lose his ability to feel.Copy !req
139. I'm Lois Griffin for Fox News.Copy !req
140. Great story, Lois.Copy !req
141. Thanks, I just made it up.Copy !req
142. You know, I've been doing
this job a long time,Copy !req
143. and I think
you've got what it takes.Copy !req
144. (CHUCKLING)
You're kidding, really?Copy !req
145. Yes, how would you like to be
our newest on-air reporter?Copy !req
146. Wow.Copy !req
147. You know, I came down hereCopy !req
148. not even thinking I had a shot,Copy !req
149. and now you're telling me this.Copy !req
150. Gosh, it's an
awfully big decision.Copy !req
151. Lois, please,
take the job, for Fox sake.Copy !req
152. Well... all right, I'll do it.Copy !req
153. Great, here's your contract.Copy !req
154. Now, run home, Lois,
run as fast as you can.Copy !req
155. Ah!Copy !req
156. Ah!Copy !req
157. Ah!Copy !req
158. Ah!Copy !req
159. Ah!Copy !req
160. Good morning, everyone.Copy !req
161. Well, do I look TV-ready?Copy !req
162. Lois, I can't believe
you're doing this.Copy !req
163. If you work for Fox News,Copy !req
164. you're going to be
selling your soul.Copy !req
165. Oh, Brian, come on.Copy !req
166. They're a major news network.Copy !req
167. I would think you'd be excited for me.Copy !req
168. Are you kidding?
They're a lie factory.Copy !req
169. They report whatever
they damn well please.Copy !req
170. You know, Brian,
you're welcome to come with meCopy !req
171. and see for yourself
that it's all on the level.Copy !req
172. You know, I just might
take you up on that, Lois.Copy !req
173. And I know another way
we can take advantage of this.Copy !req
174. Chris, Meg, meet me in
the living room in ten minutes.Copy !req
175. Bring a pencil and paper.Copy !req
176. Dad, what are we doing?Copy !req
177. Meg, now that Lois has
connections at Fox,Copy !req
178. we are going to invent
our own cartoon show.Copy !req
179. And we are here
to brainstorm ideas.Copy !req
180. All right, go.Copy !req
181. Anything that pops
into your head.Copy !req
182. Ooh, how about a show about
a bunch of disabled ducksCopy !req
183. and we'll call it Handi-Quacks?Copy !req
184. Wow, caught fire a little earlierCopy !req
185. than I thought we would, perfect.Copy !req
186. All right, let's spend
many hours on this.Copy !req
187. All right, the main duck,
what's his name?Copy !req
188. I don't know,
uh, Red Hiney Monkey?Copy !req
189. (LAUGHS)
I love it! I love it!Copy !req
190. All right, now,
what's his wacky neighbor duck's name?Copy !req
191. Giddy Goose?Copy !req
192. Meg, please try to formulate ideasCopy !req
193. clearly before you vocalize them.Copy !req
194. I'm not sure you're getting
the show, Meg.Copy !req
195. All right, names, names,
names, come on, now.Copy !req
196. (GASPS) Poopyface Tomato Nose!Copy !req
197. Yes! Write it down!Copy !req
198. Hurry, hurry, hurry,
hurry, hurry!Copy !req
199. Maybe they live in a pond?Copy !req
200. Chris, can I talk to you
in the kitchen for a sec?Copy !req
201. (WHISPERING)
I don't think she's getting it.Copy !req
202. I know
she's not she's getting it, but...Copy !req
203. Shh, there's no but.
She's not getting it.Copy !req
204. - Well, what the hell do you want to do?
- She's poison.Copy !req
205. - Absolutely, she's dead weight.
- She doesn't understand.Copy !req
206. But without her,
the staff is too small.Copy !req
207. - I mean, she's just not funny.
- She's completely ruining it.Copy !req
208. Yeah, but I think it's important to have
a female perspective in the room.Copy !req
209. All right, well, then I think
we're gonna have to expect nothing.Copy !req
210. - Right.
- And then maybe be pleasantly surprised.Copy !req
211. Okay.Copy !req
212. Welcome to Fox News, Lois.Copy !req
213. We're very excited
to have you.Copy !req
214. Well, I'm excited to be here.Copy !req
215. Oh, this is my dog, Brian.Copy !req
216. He was just dying to see
the studio.Copy !req
217. Well, hi there, Brian.Copy !req
218. How's it going, Adolf?Copy !req
219. I'll have you know
my grandparentsCopy !req
220. died in the Holocaust.Copy !req
221. (LAUGHS)
No, I'm just joking.Copy !req
222. They were there, though.Copy !req
223. This whole place just feels
like a warm blanket.Copy !req
224. I'll show you to our
day care facility shortly.Copy !req
225. But first,
let's have a look around.Copy !req
226. This is our control room,Copy !req
227. where we have the ability
to monitor up to 500 differentCopy !req
228. news stories
in any given hour.Copy !req
229. What's that
big button do?Copy !req
230. Oh, that's kind of fun.Copy !req
231. It emits a noise that only
Al Gore can hear.Copy !req
232. There it is again!Copy !req
233. It's probably
just wind, honey.Copy !req
234. It's not the wind!Copy !req
235. And this is the kitchen.Copy !req
236. We've got all kinds of snacks
and cold drinks in here.Copy !req
237. I don't see
the refrigerator.Copy !req
238. Oh, we just use
Ann Coulter.Copy !req
239. Hmm... There's never
anything good in here.Copy !req
240. All right, here we go.Copy !req
241. Handi-Quacks, episode one, scene one.Copy !req
242. Let's get 'em laughing
right off the bat.Copy !req
243. Interior, Red Hiney Monkey's house.Copy !req
244. What's Red Hiney Monkey doing?Copy !req
245. Um, maybe he just got up,
he's making breakfast?Copy !req
246. Eh, I don't think people
eat breakfast anymore.Copy !req
247. More suggestions.Copy !req
248. Ooh, what if Red Hiney Monkey
and Poopyface Tomato NoseCopy !req
249. are trying to build
a house of cards,Copy !req
250. and it keeps falling down?Copy !req
251. Oh, Jiminy Christmas!
We have all been there.Copy !req
252. That's going in.Copy !req
253. Oh, we are cooking, cooking,
cooking, cooking now.Copy !req
254. All right, now let's take
a walk down this road,Copy !req
255. see where it leads us.Copy !req
256. Dialogue. What are they saying?Copy !req
257. Um, maybe
Poopyface Tomato Nose says, uh...Copy !req
258. "Boy, this house of cards
just doesn't want to stay up."Copy !req
259. Well, I mean, yeah,
if you want to go right at itCopy !req
260. like a Neanderthal, sure,
but I think we'reCopy !req
261. shooting for a little more
subtlety here, you know.Copy !req
262. You know, I don't...
I don't believe that.Copy !req
263. I don't believe that that'sCopy !req
264. a real conversation
when I hear it.Copy !req
265. People don't talk like that, Meg.Copy !req
266. Ooh! Ooh! What if they just
bought a new wood stove,Copy !req
267. and Red Hiney Monkey says,
"Boy, it's so hot in hereCopy !req
268. "because we just bought
that new wood stove, and..."Copy !req
269. "We're sweating,
and our hands are all slippery,Copy !req
270. "and that's why we can't get
the card house to stay up."Copy !req
271. Thank you, Chris, we have liftoff!
(LAUGHS)Copy !req
272. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but none of this
stuff seems to make sense.Copy !req
273. I mean, we haven't even
referenced the factCopy !req
274. that they're ducks
or that they're handicapped,Copy !req
275. but the show is called
Handi-Quacks.Copy !req
276. Uh-huh.Copy !req
277. Chris, can I see you
in the kitchen?Copy !req
278. (WHISPERING)
This is not working out.Copy !req
279. - Dad, Dad, look, she's trying...
- No, no.Copy !req
280. She gets along with everybody.Copy !req
281. She does not get along with everybody.Copy !req
282. - She's kind of hot.
- She's office hot, all right.Copy !req
283. - Yeah, maybe you're right.
- She's the only woman around here.Copy !req
284. Yeah, in the real world,
she doesn't hold up.Copy !req
285. And in addition to everything else,
she's got BO!Copy !req
286. She's got BO.Copy !req
287. All right, Lois,
for your first assignment,Copy !req
288. we want you to do
an investigative exposéCopy !req
289. on one of America's greatest enemies.Copy !req
290. Oh, that sounds important.Copy !req
291. Who is it?Copy !req
292. Michael Moore.Copy !req
293. Oh, here we go.
This is exactlyCopy !req
294. what I was talking about, Lois.Copy !req
295. Fox News will take down anyoneCopy !req
296. who doesn't agree with them.Copy !req
297. Well, now, wait a minute, Brian.Copy !req
298. Give him a chance.Copy !req
299. What exactly do you
want me to do?Copy !req
300. We have reason
to suspectCopy !req
301. that Michael Moore
may be a closet homosexual.Copy !req
302. We need you to get the proof.Copy !req
303. Well, if you think Michael Moore'sCopy !req
304. possible homosexuality
is newsworthy,Copy !req
305. I'll do my best
to get the story.Copy !req
306. All right, I have come upCopy !req
307. with a design for
Red Hiney Monkey,Copy !req
308. the head of the Handi-Quacks.Copy !req
309. I want only positive feedback, please.Copy !req
310. Why does he have such a big red bum?Copy !req
311. Because it's funny, Meg.Copy !req
312. People will tune in to
Handi-Quacks each weekCopy !req
313. and see that big red bumCopy !req
314. and get a big laugh out of it.Copy !req
315. Why? Because it's relatable.Copy !req
316. They'll see themselves in it.Copy !req
317. I think the design is great, Dad.Copy !req
318. Good note, good note.Copy !req
319. Okay, now, I also had a thoughtCopy !req
320. for a female character
who's always naggingCopy !req
321. at Red Hiney Monkey
and telling himCopy !req
322. not to leave his beer cans
lying around and whatnot.Copy !req
323. And her name is Bitch Duck.Copy !req
324. That kind of looks like Mom.Copy !req
325. Not finished talking, Meg.Copy !req
326. Okay, and this is Poopyface Tomato Nose.Copy !req
327. You can see I gave him
a funny little suitcase.Copy !req
328. Now, see, the joke is
most peopleCopy !req
329. only carry a suitcase
when they're going on vacation,Copy !req
330. but Poopyface Tomato Nose
carries one all the time.Copy !req
331. And see, he's got a sleeve
hanging out.Copy !req
332. He didn't pack it right.Copy !req
333. Oh, well, you know
what could be funny?Copy !req
334. Maybe one week,
he actually goes on vacation.Copy !req
335. And he's already got the suitcase.Copy !req
336. Chris, can I see you in
the kitchen for a sec?Copy !req
337. (WHISPERING)
Your writing partner is out of her mind.Copy !req
338. Okay, first of all,
stop calling her my partner.Copy !req
339. - She's terrible.
- I know that!Copy !req
340. - And you know what, it's not...
- What?Copy !req
341. - It's not fair to her.
- Well, that's sort of a...Copy !req
342. Having her here is not fair to her.Copy !req
343. Well, if you want to fire her,Copy !req
344. you go ahead and fire her,Copy !req
345. but don't pretend
you're doing it for her benefit.Copy !req
346. Don't put that on me.Copy !req
347. - She's firing herself.
- She can't fire herself.Copy !req
348. Yeah, she's firing herselfCopy !req
349. with her lack of talent
and her lack of funniness.Copy !req
350. I just... you know,
I just feel like you and ICopy !req
351. have captured lightning in a bottleCopy !req
352. with Handi-Quacks,
and she's just coming in,Copy !req
353. unscrewing the top
and letting it all out.Copy !req
354. Meg, your services will
no longer be needed.Copy !req
355. (SIGHS) Still nothing.Copy !req
356. I don't understand.
The lights are on.Copy !req
357. Somebody must be home.Copy !req
358. (GASPS) Get down!Copy !req
359. Rush Limbaugh?Copy !req
360. What's he doing coming outCopy !req
361. of Michael Moore's house
at this hour?Copy !req
362. Unless...Copy !req
363. Oh, my God.Copy !req
364. Oh, my God,
it's true.Copy !req
365. Michael Moore is gay
with Rush Limbaugh.Copy !req
366. And I just laid in dog poop.Copy !req
367. That's not dog poop.Copy !req
368. Sorry. We've been out
here a long time.Copy !req
369. And look, there's Rush LimbaughCopy !req
370. coming out of Michael Moore's houseCopy !req
371. at 2:00 in the morning.Copy !req
372. I wouldn't believe it
if I hadn't seen it myself.Copy !req
373. Well, your dog was right, Lois.Copy !req
374. Looks like there's no story here.Copy !req
375. Michael Moore is clearly not gay.Copy !req
376. What... No story?Copy !req
377. What are you talking about?Copy !req
378. You're the one who sent me
to investigate,Copy !req
379. and now I'm showing you proof,
and you're dismissing it?Copy !req
380. I don't understand.Copy !req
381. Lois, I'll be honest.Copy !req
382. Rush Limbaugh is one of us.Copy !req
383. We have no wish to smear
a fellow conservative.Copy !req
384. That would be as foolish as FDRCopy !req
385. hiring that midget press secretary.Copy !req
386. The president has just confirmed
a devastating surprise attackCopy !req
387. by the Japanese at Pearl Harbor.Copy !req
388. Much of our Naval fleet
has been destroyed,Copy !req
389. and the death toll is believed
to be in the thousands.Copy !req
390. He's adorable!Copy !req
391. Okay, actors,Copy !req
392. welcome to the first voice record
for Handi-Quacks.Copy !req
393. All right, episode one,
"What the Duck?"Copy !req
394. Take one.Copy !req
395. Oh, darn it, Poopyface Tomato Nose.Copy !req
396. I know,
Red Hiney Monkey.Copy !req
397. This card house won't stay up.Copy !req
398. Probably because
the wood stove is so warm.Copy !req
399. It's making our hands
sweaty and slippery.Copy !req
400. It's all coming together.Copy !req
401. It's all coming together.Copy !req
402. This is it. Our vision come to life.Copy !req
403. I know.Copy !req
404. Just listen to that voice,Copy !req
405. and then picture him holding that suitcase
with the sleeve sticking out.Copy !req
406. (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
Hi, everybody.Copy !req
407. Hello, Colonel Tushfinger.Copy !req
408. I just built a spaceship.Copy !req
409. Want to come up
in space with me in it?Copy !req
410. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, cut, cut, cut.Copy !req
411. Cleveland, what are you doing?Copy !req
412. I just figured I'd give Colonel TushfingerCopy !req
413. an Australian thing.Copy !req
414. Colonel Tushfinger lives on the moon,
you idiot.Copy !req
415. He talks with a moon accent,
you know?Copy !req
416. (STRANGE ACCENT)
He talks like this with a moon accent.Copy !req
417. You understand?Copy !req
418. I am Colonel Tushfinger,
and I live on the moon,Copy !req
419. so I talk like this with a moon accent.
Do that.Copy !req
420. You know, Bonnie also acts.Copy !req
421. Oh, here we go.Copy !req
422. So, they want me to drop
the story completelyCopy !req
423. because they don't want
to embarrass Rush Limbaugh.Copy !req
424. Now do you see what I was
saying about Fox News?Copy !req
425. They have an incredibly
biased agenda.Copy !req
426. - You should do the story anyway.
- You think so?Copy !req
427. Absolutely. They're hypocrites.Copy !req
428. They wanted you to do
the story when they thoughtCopy !req
429. it would embarrass Michael Moore,Copy !req
430. but they don't want you to do itCopy !req
431. if it's going to
embarrass Rush Limbaugh.Copy !req
432. But you didn't want me
to do the storyCopy !req
433. when it was gonna
embarrass Michael Moore,Copy !req
434. but you want me
to do the storyCopy !req
435. if it's gonna embarrass
Rush Limbaugh?Copy !req
436. Can you picture
the two of those guysCopy !req
437. poking each other in the chops?Copy !req
438. Be like sticking your arm
in a backed-up sink.Copy !req
439. Okay, you're right, I'm...Copy !req
440. I'm a little biased myself,Copy !req
441. but at least I'm willing to admit it.Copy !req
442. Imagine that,
the two of them going at it.Copy !req
443. An oversized Armani suitCopy !req
444. and an oversized cheap windbreakerCopy !req
445. tossed casually on the floor?Copy !req
446. Look, they started this, Lois,Copy !req
447. but it's up to you to finish it.Copy !req
448. I guess you're right, Brian.Copy !req
449. Next day at work,Copy !req
450. Limbaugh finds a Detroit Tigers
ball cap up in there?Copy !req
451. Stewie, shut up!Copy !req
452. What? It's just a weird image,Copy !req
453. like the way
Commissioner Gordon tells BatmanCopy !req
454. that he just took a poop.Copy !req
455. Ugh! I don't need
to know about that.Copy !req
456. Thanks for hearing our pitch, Mr. Chernin.Copy !req
457. You realize the only reasonCopy !req
458. I'm taking this meeting isCopy !req
459. that your wife is a reporter
for our news division.Copy !req
460. You have absolutely no prior credits.Copy !req
461. Sir, I promise you won't regret it.Copy !req
462. Handi-Quacks is gonna
be the next Simpsons.Copy !req
463. We fire the jokes at yaCopy !req
464. like an automatic weapon of comedy.Copy !req
465. We throw a curveball joke at you,Copy !req
466. hits you right in the head, you go,Copy !req
467. - "Wow! What happened?"
- Hmm.Copy !req
468. We take you on a little
trolley ride downCopy !req
469. Story Lane, you're having a good time
enjoying our little tale,Copy !req
470. think you know what's coming—
Boom! Left turn!Copy !req
471. You don't know how it happened,Copy !req
472. you don't know where you are,
but you like it!Copy !req
473. - Uh-huh.
- You're watchin' the show,Copy !req
474. the ducks're sayin' stuff,
you're yukkin' it up,Copy !req
475. you're laughing,
your sides are hurting,Copy !req
476. and all of a sudden you realize
you're feelin' something, too.Copy !req
477. When did that happen?Copy !req
478. When did the Handi-Quacks
become people I care about?Copy !req
479. When did they become like welcome guests
in your homeCopy !req
480. whose weekly visits
the whole family eagerly awaits?Copy !req
481. Take a look at what we got, Peter.Copy !req
482. (SINGING) One day three ducks
were crossing the roadCopy !req
483. Going to get some sodaCopy !req
484. But they weren't looking
where they were goingCopy !req
485. And a bus came along
and hit them allCopy !req
486. Now they're
handicapped and...Copy !req
487. Eh... eh...Copy !req
488. No, that's pretty much itCopy !req
489. Handi-QuacksCopy !req
490. And they never got their soda.Copy !req
491. Why won't
this card house stay up?Copy !req
492. Our palms
are slippery and sweatyCopy !req
493. because of the heat from that
new wood stove we just bought.Copy !req
494. (SNICKERS)
That's gonna be his catchphrase.Copy !req
495. How did you
afford that wood stove?Copy !req
496. Easy. I just walked
into the wood stove storeCopy !req
497. and said,
"Put it on my bill."Copy !req
498. (LAUGHS)
Huh? You with me?Copy !req
499. I sure am.Copy !req
500. - You're with me now?
- I love it.Copy !req
501. You know you love it.Copy !req
502. I just have one small change.Copy !req
503. Oh?Copy !req
504. Could Poopyface Tomato Nose's nose
be a plum?Copy !req
505. How dare you!Copy !req
506. It's a small change.Copy !req
507. And if you do it,
we'll really get behind this show.Copy !req
508. A plum?
What is this, 1986?Copy !req
509. Well, if you're gonna
be a TV producer,Copy !req
510. you've gotta be open
to collaboration.Copy !req
511. So everybody just gets
to stick their big chef's spoonCopy !req
512. into my comedy gumbo, eh?
Well, no deal!Copy !req
513. You know something?
I like your passion.Copy !req
514. Okay. We'll do the show,
and we'll do it your way.Copy !req
515. No.Copy !req
516. Well, that was a miscalculation.Copy !req
517. All right, there it is.
Stay close to me.Copy !req
518. (GASPS) This is it. Let's go.Copy !req
519. Mr. Moore! Mr. Limbaugh!Copy !req
520. Do you have anything to say
to Fox News about this...Copy !req
521. What the hell?Copy !req
522. Who are you?Copy !req
523. What's that suit on the bed?Copy !req
524. And what have you done with your
gay lover, Rush Limbaugh?Copy !req
525. (SIGHS) I am Rush Limbaugh.Copy !req
526. That's a costume.Copy !req
527. Wait a minute.
You mean, all these years,Copy !req
528. Rush Limbaugh has just been
Michael Moore in disguise?Copy !req
529. Well, it's a little more
complex than that.Copy !req
530. What are you talking about?Copy !req
531. Fred Savage?Copy !req
532. Wait a minute.Copy !req
533. You're Rush Limbaugh
and Michael Moore?Copy !req
534. Yes, I am.
They're both characters I created.Copy !req
535. But why?Copy !req
536. Well, after The Wonder Years,Copy !req
537. I was hungry to do more acting,
but the pickings were slim.Copy !req
538. So I came up with this scheme
to satisfy my need to perform,Copy !req
539. and I guess it got
a little out of hand.Copy !req
540. - This is unbelievable.
- Well, that's not the end of it.Copy !req
541. I'm also Tony Danza, Camryn Manheim,Copy !req
542. Malcolm-Jamal Warner,
Kevin Nealon,Copy !req
543. John Forsythe
and Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich.Copy !req
544. Wow. Fred Savage is
the greatest actorCopy !req
545. in the history of the world.Copy !req
546. That's all I ever wanted
people to know.Copy !req
547. Well, if you let us run this story,Copy !req
548. I promise you they will.Copy !req
549. You got a deal.Copy !req
550. Well, it finally happened.Copy !req
551. I had finally gotten the
recognition I deserved.Copy !req
552. I don't need you anymore!Copy !req
553. This Sunday on Fox,
it's the new hit comedyCopy !req
554. starring America's greatest actor,
Fred Savage!Copy !req
555. Well, Lois, you did
a good thing for a talented guy.Copy !req
556. Yeah, but that should have been
our time slot.Copy !req
557. I'm just glad everything's
back to normal.Copy !req
558. I don't think I was cut out
to be a TV reporter.Copy !req
559. Yeah, how did you lose
your job there, anyway?Copy !req
560. Oh, I don't know.
Do you really care, Peter?Copy !req
561. I mean, does anyone really care?Copy !req
562. Yeah, you're right.
The story's over.Copy !req
563. Everything'll be back
to normal next week,Copy !req
564. so, yeah, who gives a damn?Copy !req
565. Anybody got
any more jokes? Stewie?Copy !req
566. Anything funny?
No? Brian?Copy !req
567. Meg? Chris? No?Copy !req
568. All right. See ya, folks.Copy !req