1. It seems today
that all you see
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2. Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
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3. But where are those
good old-fashioned values
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4. On which we used to rely?
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5. Lucky there's a family guy
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6. Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
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7. All the things
that make us
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8. Laugh and cry
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9. He's a family guy
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10. Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker
with a Channel 5 News Special Report.
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11. And I'm Diane Simmons.
A flash flood warning is in effect
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12. as rain continues
to pound Rhode Island.
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13. Let's go to Asian reporter
Tricia Takanawa,
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14. Who's gonna tell us all about the rain
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15. Tom, residents all over Quahog
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16. have been affected
by the heavy rains,
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17. although some are doing
their best to ride it out.
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18. For example, I'm here with
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19. Rides-a-Ten-Speed-
Everywhere Guy.
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20. Sir, why are you riding
your ten-speed in the rain?
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21. I don't mind. A little
drizzle never hurt anybody.
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22. I like riding the ten-speed
because it's fun,
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23. it gives me energy, and it's
a great way to stay in shape.
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24. What do you do
for a living?
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25. I work in accounts receivable
at Quahog Insurance.
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26. Uh, it's not too demanding,
the pay is good,
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27. and it's a great way
to stay in shape.
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28. Well, we should wrap this up—
you're getting wet.
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29. Well, I'm living life before
the cancer I have kills me,
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30. so I don't mind
the rain.
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31. Water feels good
on my skin.
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32. It's cool, refreshing, and it's
a great way to stay in shape.
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33. - What kind of cancer?
- It's rectal cancer.
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34. It's slowly eating away
at my lower insides.
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35. It's a quick process, both
painful and untreatable,
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36. and it's a great way
to stay in shape.
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37. Thank you, Tricia.
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38. Some local residents
have even been evacuated
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39. to Quahog Stadium
for their own protection.
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40. Why do I have to stay here?
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41. We just think
you'll be safer.
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42. - But my house is dry.
- Here's a blanket.
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43. If you're looking for a bathroom,
it's all around you.
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44. Oh, crap, Peter,
it's a flash flood!
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45. Oh, man, I better save
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46. my autographed picture
of Dean Cain!
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47. You know, from before he got
all desperate for attention.
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48. Hey, is that Dean Cain on that park bench?
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49. Oh, God!
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50. Lois! Uh, you may want to come down here!
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51. Oh, my God!
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52. I know—
about the water, right?
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53. Wow! Cool!
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54. - Hey, Chris, come here.
- What? Why?
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55. - Just come here.
- What is it, Dad?
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56. Does it feel like the water
suddenly just got warmer?
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57. - No.
- Oh, that's right,
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58. it's pee that makes it warmer.
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59. Peter, the water's rising fast!
We got to get out of here!
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60. Hang on, Lois.
There's a case of beer in the fridge.
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61. I can't leave that behind!
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62. Meg, you're a good swimmer.
Go get it.
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63. What? But, Dad...
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64. And for God's sake,
do not be afraid
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65. to make me a sandwich
while you're in there.
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66. Peter, Meg's been
in there a long time.
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67. Boy, you cannot wait
to criticize her
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68. at every turn, can you?
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69. Go get her!
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70. Well, Lois, I am sorry
for snapping at you earlier.
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71. You were right
to criticize Meg.
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72. She could not even handle
this simple task.
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73. She's in there right now
taking a nap underwater.
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74. For God's sake, save her!
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75. My God, we better get her
to a hospital.
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76. She doesn't look too good.
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77. Yeah, she looks worse
than Andy Garcia
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78. when he had his conjoined twin.
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79. I had a great time
with you tonight.
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80. - You're really amazing.
- Thanks, Andy.
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81. I had a great time, too.
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82. Hey! How about some love
for shoulder guy over here?
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83. - Shoulder guy wants to get in on this.
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84. - Just ignore him.
- Okay...
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85. So, do you maybe want
to go in the other room?
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86. Sure. Sounds good.
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87. - Oh-ho! And shoulder guy's going with ya.
- Rick, shut up.
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88. Hey, bitch,
want to suck on my tooth?
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89. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin,
I'm afraid your coma's in a daughter.
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90. I mean... I mean,
your daughter's in a coma!
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91. What?
Oh, my God, did you—
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92. Did you hear what I said?
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93. Brain freeze!
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94. Oh, my God!
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95. Oh, that one is going
in the Christmas letter.
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96. Oh, my God, Peter,
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97. what if she doesn't
come out of it?
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98. I know, Lois.
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99. I never realized until now
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100. how much I've taken her
for granted.
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101. I mean, she's my only daughter,
and I feel like
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102. I've never treated her
as well as I should've.
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103. Hey, Meg, you got
something on your shirt.
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104. Hi, Dad.
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105. Aw, don't be too hard
on yourself, Peter.
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106. We all do things that
we're not proud of.
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107. Well, I am gonna change.
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108. You hear me, Meg?
If you come out of this,
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109. I am gonna treat you
like a princess
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110. for the rest of your life.
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111. 'Cause I been a worse
father than Abraham.
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112. You want to tell me what
the that was?
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113. Excuse me,
I'm Dr. Milano.
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114. I'm the intern
for this floor.
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115. You know, you guys
can probably go on home.
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116. We'll let you know
if there's any change
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117. in your daughter's
condition.
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118. Wow, you're
a real doctor?
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119. Hey, does Scrubs
work here?
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120. I love that guy.
I want to meet Scrubs.
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121. Ooh, and I want to meet
black Scrubs, too.
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122. Well, hello, sleepyhead.
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123. I'm Michael.
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124. Hi, Michael.
I'm Meg.
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125. - Meg!
- Oh, my God! Meg, you're okay!
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126. Oh, Meg, my beautiful daughter!
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127. Oh, things
are gonna be different.
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128. No more will I treat you
like some kind of alien.
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129. Three minutes to minimum safe distance.
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130. Stop. Not so fast, y'all.
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131. You think you can just up
and run away, you crazy.
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132. I like to eat people
from other planets,
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133. especially y'all.
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134. I likes
to eat you with my little mouth, too.
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135. Oh, now, y'all get back up
inside me, little mouth.
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136. - I wants to play, too.
- Get back inside—
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137. - I'll get you when we's eatin' em.
- Zoop!
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138. So, what is it you wanted
to show me?
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139. That, Brian.
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140. What? It's a rundown old house.
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141. Well, yes, I— I suppose
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142. to the untrained eye
that's what it would look like.
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143. Walk inside with me, Brian.
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144. This is disgusting.
It smells, it's falling apart,
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145. and you can hear the mice
humping in the wall.
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146. Ho-ho! Ho-ho! Ho-ho!
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147. Ho-ho! Ho-ho!
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148. Oh... That was so awesome!
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149. That's why we can get
it for a steal, Brian!
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150. We fix it up and sell
it for a huge profit!
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151. You're crazy.
No, I'm not gonna buy this house with you.
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152. Fine, I'll just give the
profits to another investor.
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153. Plenty of others interested.
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154. - Oh, yeah? Like who?
- Mort Goldman, for one.
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155. Says it's a smart investment.
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156. But what does he know?
He's only Jewish.
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157. All right, I'm in.
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158. Oh, there's my little angel!
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159. Here, let me get that
for you, sweetie.
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160. Thanks, Dad!
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161. Wow, Peter, I got to say,
you've really been true
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162. to your word about
treating Meg better.
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163. She's my only daughter, Lois.
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164. She needs to be protected,
like a rare gemstone,
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165. or the herniated scrotum
of an older gentleman.
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166. Well, I think
you've been wonderful.
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167. Like when you took her
to that new movie,
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168. I'm Rich and You're Poor,
but Let's Dance Together.
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169. I'm rich and you're poor,
but let's dance together.
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170. - Society won't like it.
- I don't care.
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171. Good for you, good for you.
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172. Yeah, and I can't believe
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173. how you stood up
to Connie D'Amico for me.
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174. - Hey, Meg.
- Uh, hi, Connie.
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175. I can't fit all my books
in my locker.
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176. Can I put the rest of them
on your ginormous ass?
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177. Hey, Connie, hi.
Peter Griffin, Meg's father.
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178. Say, uh, can you
do me a favor?
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179. You see that fire
extinguisher there?
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180. Dad, that's enough!
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181. Dad, that's enough!
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182. That's enough, Dad!
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183. I just want you
to know, Meg,
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184. if there's anything
you ever want,
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185. - all you got to do is ask.
- Really?
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186. Well, there kind of
is one thing.
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187. - There he is now!
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188. Hey, Meg.
You ready to go?
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189. Dad, you remember Michael Milano
from the hospital.
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190. - He's my date.
- Oh.
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191. Say, Michael,
can you do me a favor?
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192. You see that fire
extinguisher there?
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193. Stay away from my daughter,
you possible rapist.
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194. Dad, stop it.
Michael's my date.
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195. Meg, I almost lost you once,
I'm not gonna lose you again.
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196. This guy may look
harmless on the outside,
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197. but on the inside he could be a complete
bastard, like Fred Flintstone.
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198. So, why exactly do you
want this separation?
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199. Well, Mr. Stoneberg, in a nutshell,
the cat put me outside,
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200. I was bangin' on the door
for like 20 minutes, shouting "Wilma!"
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201. - I didn't hear you.
- Oh, there's no way you didn't hear me.
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202. - I was in the shower.
- Oh, she was in the shower.
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203. The elephant's trunk
was on full blast.
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204. You could've been right
on the other side of the door,
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205. - and you wouldn't have done a damn thing.
- I couldn't hear you.
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206. And besides, you're always
yellin' about something.
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207. All you do is spend my money
on expensive clothes and hairdos.
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208. How the hell am I supposed
to know when to pay attention?
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209. But when I want to get my rocks
off, you're nowhere to be found,
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210. you passive-aggressive bitch.
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211. Meg, can I talk to you
in the kitchen, please?
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212. - Dad, what the hell?
- Lois, did you know that Meg had a date?
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213. Yes. With that nice boy
from the hospital. What's the matter?
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214. We don't know him.
Maybe he's not even a boy.
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215. Maybe he's two dwarves
in an overcoat
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216. wanting to see what sex is like
with a big person.
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217. Huh? Is that what you want?
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218. Two crafty dwarves
in your house,
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219. after your daughter—
Wait, do dwarves grant wishes?
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220. No, Peter, they're people,
like you and me.
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221. Well, good-bye phone
in the bathroom,
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222. but I still don't like Meg
dating that boy.
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223. Guys that age,
all they care about
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224. is putting their thing
in everything.
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225. I'm not gonna let Meg turn out
like my Nerf football in the hall closet.
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226. Dad, didn't you say you'd
give me whatever I wanted?
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227. Well, I want to go out
with Michael.
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228. Peter,
you're being overprotective.
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229. Look, why don't you
just talk to him?
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230. You might find out
he's not so bad.
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231. All right, Lois, but I know
what my gut tells me.
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232. And right now it's telling me
I have...
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233. Indigestion.
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234. But I'll suck it up
and talk to Michael.
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235. Even though I've also got...
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236. Diarrhea.
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237. So, you are here
to take out my daughter.
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238. What are your intentions?
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239. I just think
Meg is really cool,
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240. and I want to get
to know her better.
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241. You know, Michael,
my daughter's womb
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242. is not a wildfire
for you to douse
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243. with your
adolescent seed.
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244. I understand.
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245. Do you, Michael?
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246. Do you?
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247. We'll see.
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248. Let me ask you
a question.
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249. You ever sit on your arm
till it falls asleep,
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250. and then play
with yourself
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251. and pretend like
somebody else is doing it?
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252. Honestly... yes.
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253. Not anymore you don't.
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254. 'Cause you're going
out with my daughter.
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255. Morning, Brian.
Here, put this on.
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256. - How long have you been here?
- 7:00 a.m.
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257. All right, here's your hammer,
here's your walkie,
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258. and here's your stud finder.
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259. Beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep.
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260. Oh. Oh, well,
it's working.
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261. All right,
joke time is over.
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262. Work time has begun.
You get started with this drywall,
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263. and I'm gonna start pulling out those
old floorboards in the kitchen.
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264. - Hey, Brian, knock, knock.
- Who's there?
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265. Two friends building a house together.
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266. Hey, Meg, I, uh,
got you something
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267. for our three-week
anniversary.
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268. Wow, a Maroon 5 CD.
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269. Yeah, I remember
how you told me
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270. you liked terrible music,
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271. so I thought
you might appreciate it.
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272. You're so thoughtful.
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273. Mm...
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274. - What the hell?
- What's wrong?
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275. Uh, Meg, I'm not sure,
but I think your dad
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276. is sitting at
that table over there.
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277. What? Where?
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278. Well, I can't tell
if it's him.
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279. I— I think he's wearing
some kind of disguise.
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280. Oh, my God, Dad.
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281. What do you think you're doing?
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282. Peter? Who Peter?
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283. I didn't say "Peter."
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284. I said "Dad."
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285. Oh...
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286. Have you been spying on us the
entire time we've been dating?
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287. Meg, it's only because
I want to make sure
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288. this guy treats you right
and doesn't try anything funny.
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289. Meg, this is more
than I can deal with.
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290. If your father is this opposed
to our relationship,
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291. I don't see how
it can work out.
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292. But, Michael...
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293. I'm sorry, Meg.
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294. I promise
I won't forget you.
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295. See, look, Meg,
he just walked out on you.
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296. He's a bad man.
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297. Like Jodie Foster.
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298. Oh, no, Jodie!
It's my husband!
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299. He's home from work early!
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300. Don't worry, baby.
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301. He had to find
out sometime.
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302. All right, Brian, I'm going to
go up to the upper level
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303. and run this wire
down through the wall.
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304. Grab your walkie,
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305. - I'll call you when I get up there.
- Okay.
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306. - Brian, pick up. Over.
- What?
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307. Brian, please say "over"
when you finish talking. Over.
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308. What? Over.
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309. - Do you see the wire yet? Over.
- No.
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310. - No... what? Over.
- No. Over.
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311. Okay, I'm going to start
feeding it through. Over.
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312. Wait, if you haven't
started feeding it,
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313. why'd you ask me if
I could see it?
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314. Didn't copy that. Over.
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315. I said why'd you ask me
if I could see it,
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316. if you haven't started
feeding it? Over.
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317. Oh, that's better.
I can hear you now. Over.
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318. Do you see it yet? Over.
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319. You know, you're a jackass.
For the record,
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320. I don't want to hang out with
you anymore when this is over.
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321. When this is what, Brian?
Over.
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322. I said I don't want to hang out
with you anymore when this is over.
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323. When this is what? You've got to
finish your sentence. Over.
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324. That's it.
My sentence is over.
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325. Your sentence is what, Brian?
Over.
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326. My sentence is— Wait a minute.
I have to say "over"
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327. even if the sentence ends
with the word "over"?
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328. Ends with the word what, Brian?
Over.
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329. Oh, I see the wire.
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330. You see the wire what?
Over.
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331. - Over!
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332. Tonight's movie
presentation is brought to you by Sanka.
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333. Don't ya want a,
want a Sanka?
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334. Don't ya want a,
want a Sanka?
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335. Don't ya want a,
want a Sanka?
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336. It doesn't keep me up
at night,
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337. but it helps me poo!
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338. Meg, sweetie, it's been,
like, two weeks.
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339. Don't you think it's time
to forget about that boy?
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340. Yeah, Meg, he was a bum anyway.
You'll find another fella.
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341. I could set you up
with one of my friends.
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342. Oh, wait...
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343. I don't have any friends.
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344. I could set you up with Dad.
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345. Dad, would you be interested
in dating Meg?
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346. I certainly would.
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347. There, Meg,
everything's fine.
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348. It's not Michael
I'm upset about!
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349. Well, what is it then?
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350. I'm pregnant!
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351. Dad, I swear to God
I didn't know that
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352. when I set you up
with her.
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353. Oh, I can't believe this!
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354. My baby's pregnant!
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355. - How could this happen?
- I don't know.
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356. But regardless of how
it happened, it happened.
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357. You're pregnant, Meg,
and there's only one thing to do.
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358. Meg, can you turn over?
I gotta get that thing out of there.
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359. You're sitting
on my shirt.
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360. I gotta put it
on this hanger.
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361. Now, I'm going
to Michael's house
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362. to force him to marry you.
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363. Dad, please don't do this!
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364. You can't make
him marry me!
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365. I just want
to talk to him.
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366. - Why do you have a shotgun?
- I just want to talk to him.
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367. - Dad, this is ridiculous!
- I just want to talk to him.
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368. - Put that gun away!
- I just want to talk to him.
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369. - What are you doing? It is not his fault!
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370. - It was an accident!
- I just want to shoot him.
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371. - I just want to talk to him.
- You can't shoot him!
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372. Wait, what— what are you doing?
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373. You got my Meg pregnant!
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374. What?
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375. Oh, my God! Meg!
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376. Why didn't you tell me?
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377. I didn't think you
wanted to see me.
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378. But this changes
everything.
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379. I want to be there
for you, Meg.
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380. I love you.
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381. Will you marry me?
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382. Yes!
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383. Of course!
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384. Ah, now see?
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385. That's an even more beautiful
sight than 72 virgins
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386. waiting in heaven
for a suicide bomber.
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387. Here I am!
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388. We're playing
The Gathering.
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389. Want to join?
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390. Osama!
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391. - Um, you know something, Brian?
- Yeah?
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392. I'm starting to think maybe
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393. we bit off a little more
than we could chew.
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394. - Yeah.
- Well, we're in it,
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395. and we're going to finish
the job.
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396. Should we get started
on the upper level?
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397. No.
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398. What the hell
are we gonna do?
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399. We've sunk all of our money
into this place.
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400. I've, um...
I've got an idea.
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401. I'll be right back.
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402. So, listen, uh, we're going
to want to be leaving now.
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403. - Why?
- Because I just emptied
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404. a full tank of gasoline
and lit a match.
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405. We've got about
five seconds.
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406. Didn't we have an electrician
in there today?
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407. Uh... he left.
Pretty sure he left.
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408. Isn't that his truck?
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409. Well, by God, Brian,
we're murderers.
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410. I guess this means you'll
be going to doggie hell.
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411. Hey, what do you guys
think of this one?
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412. Meg, are you sure you want
to go through with this?
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413. You know, there are
other options.
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414. Mom, I'm not getting
an abortion!
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415. I'm not saying an abortion,
per se,
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416. but maybe you just drink
and smoke a lot.
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417. - What?
- Just don't start doing it
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418. and then chicken out halfway
through the pregnancy,
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419. because then you'll
wind up with Chris.
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420. Well, Lois,
I got the cake.
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421. Oh, and they were all out of
the bride and groom figurines,
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422. so I got the Iron Giant
and a courtroom doll
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423. that kids use to show where
the molester touched them.
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424. All right, Meg, enjoy
your bachelorette party.
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425. I am outta here
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426. 'cause I don't need to see
what you crazy girls
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427. are going to do while I'm gone.
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428. But just remember,
this is a residence
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429. and should be treated as such.
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430. And if you girls drink anything,
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431. there's recycling under the sink
in the kitchen.
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432. Okay, have fun.
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433. So... what are we
supposed to do?
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434. Yeah, this doesn't seem
like much of a party.
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435. Hey, what's with all the noise?
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436. Got some complaints
from next door.
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437. I might have to take
you girls downtown.
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438. Which one of you
is the lucky bride?
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439. What's your name, sweetie?
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440. Dad, you know my name.
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441. Ep, ep, ep, ep!
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442. It's Officer Nasty.
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443. Careful, I might be carrying
a concealed weapon.
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444. Hello.
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445. Hi. Name, please?
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446. Neil Goldman.
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447. Goldman, Goldman...
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448. Sorry, no Neil Goldman.
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449. Oh, I beg your pardon.
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450. I meant to say
Chris Griffin.
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451. Griffin, Griffin...
Oh! here it is.
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452. Says you're supposed
to be an usher.
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453. Well, you need this.
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454. Name, please?
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455. Chris Griffin.
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456. Griffin, Griffin, hmm.
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457. I'm sorry, sir, Chris Griffin
has already checked in.
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458. Well, that's impossible!
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459. Meg, are you ready?
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460. Sweetie, what's wrong?
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461. Mom, I can't do it.
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462. I can't get married.
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463. What? Well, why not?
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464. Because...
I'm not pregnant.
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465. What do you mean?
How do you know?
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466. - I got my period.
- Oh.
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467. I must've read
the test wrong.
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468. What am I going to do?
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469. Michael's out there
waiting for me.
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470. Well, Meg, the best thing
you can do is be honest.
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471. Just tell Michael
the truth.
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472. If he cares about you,
he'll understand.
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473. I'll try.
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474. Thanks, Mom.
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475. I love you.
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476. I you
too, honey.
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477. God, look at Meg's fat shoulders
in those spaghetti straps!
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478. It's like bread baking
around twine.
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479. Meg... you look beautiful.
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480. Thank you, Michael.
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481. I have never been more
in love with someone
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482. than I am with you
right now.
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483. Oh, Michael,
I love you, too.
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484. And I have some
wonderful news:
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485. I'm not pregnant.
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486. - What?
- What?
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487. Dad, I'm sorry about
this whole mess.
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488. You know what, Meg?
It's all my fault.
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489. I never should've dragged
you into this, anyway.
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490. I guess sometimes
a father just gets
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491. a little overprotective
of his daughter,
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492. but you got to know I was only
thinking about your happiness.
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493. I know, Dad.
And I appreciate it.
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494. The problem now is that these
people are expecting a show.
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495. Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Conway Twitty.
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496. Hello, again.
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497. Nice to see you.
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498. It's been a long time
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499. You're just as lovely
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500. As you used to be
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501. How's your new life?
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502. Are you happy?
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503. Hope you're doin' fine
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504. Just to know it
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505. Means so much to me
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