1. It seems today
that all you seeCopy !req
2. Is violence in movies
and sex on TVCopy !req
3. But where are those
good old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
4. On which we used to rely?Copy !req
5. Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
6. Lucky there's a man
who positively can doCopy !req
7. All the things
that make usCopy !req
8. Laugh and cryCopy !req
9. He's a family guyCopy !req
10. Happy Birthday,
Mom!Copy !req
11. Oh, thank you, everybody.Copy !req
12. I know it's a little
self-centered,Copy !req
13. but this is my favorite
day of the year.Copy !req
14. Here, Mom,
this is from me and Meg.Copy !req
15. Topol?Copy !req
16. The smoker's tooth polish?Copy !req
17. Take the hint.Copy !req
18. Happy Birthday,
sweetheart.Copy !req
19. Lionel Ritchie's
Can't Slow Down?Copy !req
20. Great album, Lois.
Great album.Copy !req
21. I didn't know who I was
until I heard this album.Copy !req
22. I sometimes see you...Copy !req
23. Oh, God, Lionel.Copy !req
24. You have been hurt.Copy !req
25. You have been hurt by somebody,
that much is clear.Copy !req
26. Who hurt you?Copy !req
27. Who hurt you?Copy !req
28. Who hurt you? Who hurt you?Copy !req
29. Who hurt you?Copy !req
30. Oh, thank you all so much.Copy !req
31. What thoughtful gifts.Copy !req
32. Uh, Lois,
there's one more.Copy !req
33. Oh, Brian, you don't have
to give me anything.Copy !req
34. Oh. Well, give it back then.Copy !req
35. No, no, we have fun.Copy !req
36. Oh, my God!Copy !req
37. Two tickets for a cruise?Copy !req
38. Brian, this is wonderful.Copy !req
39. - What the hell?
- You fink!Copy !req
40. Hey, hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
41. What is this?Copy !req
42. We agreed on
a $20 limit.Copy !req
43. We set a cap,
you jerk.Copy !req
44. Are you trying to make us look
bad, you son of a bitch?Copy !req
45. Peter, what are
you angry about?Copy !req
46. You get to go on
a cruise with me.Copy !req
47. - What?
- What?Copy !req
48. Well, yeah, you
didn't think BrianCopy !req
49. meant for me to go
with him, did you?Copy !req
50. Great.Copy !req
51. This was a bigger waste of time
than Ringo's song-writing.Copy !req
52. Hey, guys.
I wrote a song.Copy !req
53. Oh, that's great.Copy !req
54. - Oh, good, Ringo.
- Fantastic.Copy !req
55. You know what?Copy !req
56. I'm gonna put it...
right here.Copy !req
57. Right on the refrigerator.Copy !req
58. That way we'll get
to see it every day.Copy !req
59. All right.Copy !req
60. Now, you kids behave
yourselvesCopy !req
61. while we're away.Copy !req
62. Yeah, be good
till we get back,Copy !req
63. and Brian, stay
out of the cat box!Copy !req
64. Stay out of the cat box!Copy !req
65. Bye, you guys!Copy !req
66. Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad!Copy !req
67. Farewell, Brian,
I'm off to sea.Copy !req
68. An hour from now,
I'll be surrounded by seamen.Copy !req
69. Sperm whales and seamen.
Ooh, a swallow.Copy !req
70. Stewie, Peter and Lois
aren't taking you with them.Copy !req
71. They've already boarded.Copy !req
72. Bye! Bye!Copy !req
73. Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye!Copy !req
74. - Bye! Bye!Copy !req
75. No! No, you can't leave!Copy !req
76. Not without me!
I'm the baby!Copy !req
77. Oh, I haven't been
this disappointedCopy !req
78. since I saw The Lake House.Copy !req
79. See, the mailbox
is like a time portal.Copy !req
80. Everything Keanu Reeves
puts in there,Copy !req
81. Sandra Bullock gets
two years later.Copy !req
82. Oh, my Hickory Farms package
is here.Copy !req
83. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to bar youCopy !req
84. from the aft section of the ship
for the rest of the cruise.Copy !req
85. We are so sorry.Copy !req
86. Peter, what the hell did
you think you were doing?Copy !req
87. Lois, it is called
the "Poop Deck."Copy !req
88. That is why I pooped there.Copy !req
89. You're disgusting.Copy !req
90. And you're misleading.Copy !req
91. Boy, this is romantic,
isn't it, Lois?Copy !req
92. Oh, it sure is, sweetie.Copy !req
93. Oh, I feel like that fat-ass
British girl from Titanic.Copy !req
94. What girl?Copy !req
95. The lead in Titanic,Copy !req
96. the one opposite
Leonardo DiCaprio.Copy !req
97. Sweetheart,
that was a guy.Copy !req
98. - What?
- That was a guy.Copy !req
99. That was Philip
Seymour Hoffman.Copy !req
100. What? No, it wasn't.Copy !req
101. Yes, it was, honey.Copy !req
102. It was Philip Seymour Hoffman.Copy !req
103. Look at you out here
on a big trip.Copy !req
104. What are you doing?Copy !req
105. I'll teach that hussy to go on
a boat ride without me.Copy !req
106. When she returns,
I'm going to put bamboo splintersCopy !req
107. under all her fingernails.Copy !req
108. Then I'm gonna strip her downCopy !req
109. - and tie her to the bed.
- Okay.Copy !req
110. Then I'm gonna make her crawl
on her hands and kneesCopy !req
111. while I drip hot candle wax
all over her back.Copy !req
112. - Uh, and then what are you gonna do?
- Uh, let's see...Copy !req
113. Are you gonna shower her off
after all that candle wax?Copy !req
114. No, I'm gonna keep her filthy.Copy !req
115. Yeah, she's been a bad girl.Copy !req
116. And then I'm gonna gag her
with her own brassiere.Copy !req
117. - What?
- No, no, nothing, nothing.Copy !req
118. That's all part of your diabolical plan
to humiliate her.Copy !req
119. - Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated.
- Maybe you'll handcuff her?Copy !req
120. - She'll hate that.
- Then I shall do that as well!Copy !req
121. - And call her a bitch.
- Until I'm hoarse with rage!Copy !req
122. Maybe smack her ass
with a riding crop?Copy !req
123. Yes, and then— What?Copy !req
124. No, I mean, would, like—
That would show her.Copy !req
125. Are you— You're getting
some kind of sick sexual thrillCopy !req
126. - off this, aren't you?
- Who cares?Copy !req
127. You're not gonna
kill her anyway.Copy !req
128. You're gonna
bitch and moan,Copy !req
129. and then you're gonna
do what you always do.Copy !req
130. The minute Lois walks
through that door,Copy !req
131. you're gonna forget
all about it,Copy !req
132. beg for your apple juice,Copy !req
133. go poop and fall asleep.Copy !req
134. God, he's right.Copy !req
135. I've got the same daily routine
as Dick Clark.Copy !req
136. Rupert, I've been all talk.Copy !req
137. So much time wasted.Copy !req
138. Well, no longer.
Lois is a dead woman!Copy !req
139. I'll do to her what douche bags
did to the guitar.Copy !req
140. This is a song I wrote
last summer.Copy !req
141. It's called "Water."Copy !req
142. My hair is growingCopy !req
143. Growing all the timeCopy !req
144. Look how sensitive I amCopy !req
145. 'Cause my voice is so fineCopy !req
146. Every beer I've ever hadCopy !req
147. Is on a shelf above my bedCopy !req
148. And sometimes
I put my speakersCopy !req
149. Facing out my windowCopy !req
150. Peter, stop picking
your teeth.Copy !req
151. We're at the Captain's table.Copy !req
152. And that was the first timeCopy !req
153. I saw the Northern Lights
at their peak.Copy !req
154. And as I gazed, astonished,Copy !req
155. at their lustrous brilliance,Copy !req
156. I turned to my first mate
and I said,Copy !req
157. "We are looking
into the very eyes of God."Copy !req
158. Oh, what a wonderful story.Copy !req
159. All right,
I got one for ya.Copy !req
160. So me and Lois are driving
up to VermontCopy !req
161. - to get this abortion.
- Peter!Copy !req
162. Hang on. Hang on, Lois.
Don't ruin it.Copy !req
163. All right, so we're driving
up to get this abortion,Copy !req
164. and we get to
the abortion clinic,Copy !req
165. and the abortionist
has one hand.Copy !req
166. - Peter, for God's—
- Bah-bah-bah-bah.Copy !req
167. I'll tell it,
I'll tell it.Copy !req
168. So I turn to Lois
and I says,Copy !req
169. "You want to get
an abortion here?Copy !req
170. "You want to get
an abortionCopy !req
171. "with the abortionist
having a stump hand?Copy !req
172. We can't get
an abortion here."Copy !req
173. So, we turned around
and went home,Copy !req
174. and two-and-a-half
months later,Copy !req
175. our daughter
Meg was born.Copy !req
176. Okay, explain to me
exactly what I did wrong.Copy !req
177. Peter, that story was
completely inappropriate!Copy !req
178. Well, send me the crap to hell
for being nostalgicCopy !req
179. about the early years
of our marriage.Copy !req
180. You've totally ruined
this trip for me!Copy !req
181. I am mortified to even show
my face around this ship!Copy !req
182. Hey, the captain's the one
who should be embarrassed.Copy !req
183. His story was gay.Copy !req
184. You're gay!Copy !req
185. - Hello, Mother.
- Stewie?Copy !req
186. What the hell are you—
How did you get here?Copy !req
187. Oh, there's a very
simple answer to that.Copy !req
188. You drove me here, Lois.Copy !req
189. With all the indignities
I've been forced to sufferCopy !req
190. day in and day out
under your matriarchal tyranny.Copy !req
191. What are you— What—Copy !req
192. What are you doing
with a gun?Copy !req
193. Something I should've done
a very long time ago.Copy !req
194. I did it!
I killed her! She's dead!Copy !req
195. Oh.
Ow! Ow! Ow!Copy !req
196. Mommy!Copy !req
197. Mommy! Mommy!Copy !req
198. Oh, yeah, that's right.Copy !req
199. And finally, still no word
on the disappearanceCopy !req
200. of Lois Griffin, housewife
and mother from QuahogCopy !req
201. who vanished from a cruise ship
six days ago.Copy !req
202. Well folks, that's the news,Copy !req
203. and I am outta here!Copy !req
204. Daddy, she's been
missing so long.Copy !req
205. Do you think
they'll ever find her?Copy !req
206. God, I hope so, Meg.Copy !req
207. Oh, yes,
I'm sure they'll find her.Copy !req
208. This is fantastic.Copy !req
209. Nobody suspects a thing.Copy !req
210. Ooh, listen to my voice,
that sounds cool.Copy !req
211. Hello!Copy !req
212. Pigs in space!Copy !req
213. Hi, Peter.Copy !req
214. Can I talk to you in
the kitchen for a second?Copy !req
215. What is it, Joe?Copy !req
216. Please tell me
Lois is alive.Copy !req
217. It's been six days, Peter.Copy !req
218. I'm sorry,
but we had to call off the search.Copy !req
219. I'm afraid
you're just goingCopy !req
220. to have to accept
the fact that...Copy !req
221. she's gone.Copy !req
222. No!Copy !req
223. We now return to...Copy !req
224. Harrison Ford
Telling Random PeopleCopy !req
225. He Wants His Family Back.Copy !req
226. - I want my family back!
- Okay.Copy !req
227. - Give me back my family!
- Get off me!Copy !req
228. I want my family back!Copy !req
229. - Hey, where've you been?
- Ah, I had another date.Copy !req
230. You know, I'm glad you're finally
putting yourself out there.Copy !req
231. Lois would've wanted you
to move on.Copy !req
232. Yeah, only this one
was kind of awkward.Copy !req
233. My date was a stick figure.Copy !req
234. So, I—
How would this work in bed?Copy !req
235. Well, I can't do sex.Copy !req
236. But I can give you
a stick job.Copy !req
237. That, uh—
That sounds—Copy !req
238. Yes, it is very unpleasant.Copy !req
239. But the freakiestCopy !req
240. was that date I had
with Bonnie.Copy !req
241. Peter...Copy !req
242. you don't know
how badly I need this.Copy !req
243. I don't know, Bonnie,Copy !req
244. it's, it's just
a little weird.Copy !req
245. Joe's a friend of mine.Copy !req
246. No, it's okay.Copy !req
247. I promise you,
it's okay.Copy !req
248. Eh, I'm not sure.Copy !req
249. It's okay, Peter.Copy !req
250. Just remember,
whatever you do,Copy !req
251. don't tell Chris I'm dating.Copy !req
252. Peter, Lois has been
dead for a whole year.Copy !req
253. You're gonna have
to tell him sometime.Copy !req
254. - Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.
- Hi, Dad.Copy !req
255. Did we get any mail from Mom
at the health spa today?Copy !req
256. Nope, sorry, Chris.Copy !req
257. She said she's going
straight from the spaCopy !req
258. - right back to Europe.
- But I haven't seen MomCopy !req
259. since she took me
back-to-school shopping.Copy !req
260. All right, sweetie,Copy !req
261. you ready to get
some new notebooksCopy !req
262. and protractors
and slacks?Copy !req
263. I want blue jeans.Copy !req
264. You're getting slacks!Copy !req
265. Here you go, Stewie.Copy !req
266. Finish your oatmeal,
and then I'll get you readyCopy !req
267. for our "Mommy and Me" class.Copy !req
268. You know, Meg has
really flourishedCopy !req
269. since Lois was murdered.Copy !req
270. What are you talking about?Copy !req
271. Lois's death was an accident.Copy !req
272. Which is just
what someoneCopy !req
273. who pulled off the perfect murder
would want you to think.Copy !req
274. What the hell are you...Copy !req
275. Stewie, did you?Copy !req
276. Did you kill Lois?Copy !req
277. Of course I didn't, Brian.Copy !req
278. Remember what you said?Copy !req
279. I'm all talk.Copy !req
280. I wouldn't possibly
go through with it.Copy !req
281. I'll just poop and fall asleep.Copy !req
282. My God, you did it.Copy !req
283. You actually did it.Copy !req
284. Oh God, I've really
screwed myself up here.Copy !req
285. Listen, could you reach
into my pocketCopy !req
286. and get the number
for that acupuncturist?Copy !req
287. You son of a bitch,
you killed Lois.Copy !req
288. Good luck proving that,
Brian.Copy !req
289. Seriously, that number?Copy !req
290. Well, I'm going to expose
you for what you are.Copy !req
291. No matter what it takes,
you are gonna pay for this.Copy !req
292. You know, it's funny,
from this position,Copy !req
293. I can hear Meg upstairs.Copy !req
294. I'm going to pretend
you're the New York Knicks.Copy !req
295. Hey, put your wallets away,
guys.Copy !req
296. The drinks are on me.Copy !req
297. Well, that's awful nice, Peter.Copy !req
298. What's the occasion?Copy !req
299. Lois's life insurance
policy paid off.Copy !req
300. I got more money
than Barbara Streisand.Copy !req
301. Honey, I'm going shopping.Copy !req
302. And I was going
to valet park.Copy !req
303. I didn't know that you had life
insurance on Lois.Copy !req
304. Did you get that
right before the cruise?Copy !req
305. Actually, I got it
on the cruise.Copy !req
306. Right after we had
that big fight when I said,Copy !req
307. "I wish you were dead," right
before I never saw her again.Copy !req
308. Well, see you guys later.Copy !req
309. I got to go buy hot dogs.Copy !req
310. We keep running out
for some reason.Copy !req
311. Either of you guys think
it's a little suspiciousCopy !req
312. that Peter took out a life
insurance policy on LoisCopy !req
313. right before she went missing?Copy !req
314. You don't think...Copy !req
315. That fat bastard
murdered her, didn't he?Copy !req
316. That son of a bitch!Copy !req
317. He's a killer,
like Bernie Goetz!Copy !req
318. You know, the subway vigilante
from the eighties?Copy !req
319. I used to do a bit about him
back when I was doing standup.Copy !req
320. Ah, what else is in the news?Copy !req
321. Oh, oh, oh, Bernie Goetz.Copy !req
322. Did you hear about this?Copy !req
323. This guy Bernie GoetzCopy !req
324. shot a bunch of muggers
on the subway.Copy !req
325. Wouldn't mind having him
with meCopy !req
326. next time I go see
my mother-in-law.Copy !req
327. No, but really, New York City's
a great place to live...Copy !req
328. if you're a cockroach.Copy !req
329. - You suck!
- I know.Copy !req
330. Hey, Stewie,
I found this receiptCopy !req
331. for a speedboat rental
upstairs in your room.Copy !req
332. It's dated about
a year ago.Copy !req
333. Any idea how
it got there?Copy !req
334. Um, someone who rented a speedboat
must have left it there.Copy !req
335. Uh-huh. Well, you can play
innocent all you want.Copy !req
336. I am going to find the
evidence to put you away.Copy !req
337. Starting by provingCopy !req
338. that you were on
that cruise shipCopy !req
339. the night Lois disappeared.Copy !req
340. No, I wasn't.Copy !req
341. Ah, the carnival
with Rupert.Copy !req
342. We won! We won!Copy !req
343. Do it again!Copy !req
344. Now I want a pink one!Copy !req
345. Stewie, we've been playing
for half an hour.Copy !req
346. Oh, okay. You want to go ride
the tea bags... tea cups?Copy !req
347. I was hoping to keep these
mementos, Rupert,Copy !req
348. but I can't risk it with the dog
sniffing around for evidence.Copy !req
349. Damn! What the hell
are they doing here?Copy !req
350. What are we
looking for, Joe?Copy !req
351. Well, the trail
is pretty cold by now,Copy !req
352. but if Peter did kill Lois,Copy !req
353. we might find some clues
in his garbage.Copy !req
354. Man, I haven't dug through these cans
since Lois died.Copy !req
355. Can't believe
it's been 12 monthsCopy !req
356. since I've deliberately
choked myselfCopy !req
357. by stuffing her discarded
makeup sponges down my throat.Copy !req
358. What's wrong with you?Copy !req
359. Oh, my God.Copy !req
360. That does look like
Peter's handwriting.Copy !req
361. There's no doubt anymore.Copy !req
362. Peter murdered his wife.Copy !req
363. This is fantastic!Copy !req
364. I'm completely off the hook!Copy !req
365. What the hell?Copy !req
366. Hey, little man,
tell Chris to open his window.Copy !req
367. Just around the corner
there's a rainbow in the skyCopy !req
368. So let's have
another cup of coffeeCopy !req
369. And let's have
another piece of pieCopy !req
370. Joe, what the hell
is going on?Copy !req
371. You're a suspect
in Lois' murder,Copy !req
372. that's what's going on!Copy !req
373. Don't make us go good cop,Copy !req
374. developmentally disabled cop
on you.Copy !req
375. Um, we know that,Copy !req
376. um, you, um,
killed Lois.Copy !req
377. Um, hello?Copy !req
378. Uh...Copy !req
379. No.Copy !req
380. We can, um,Copy !req
381. put you at the, um, sceneCopy !req
382. where she, um, was,
um, killed.Copy !req
383. Hobey's right, Peter.Copy !req
384. It doesn't look good for you.Copy !req
385. Joe, you got this
all wrong!Copy !req
386. Like God did
when he made Rosie O'Donnell.Copy !req
387. You can't put
a vagina on this man!Copy !req
388. Why not?
I'm God.Copy !req
389. Well, what do you want to do
about the breasts?Copy !req
390. Ah, take a couple out of the bin
we can't find matches for.Copy !req
391. I-I can't believe
Dad killed Mom.Copy !req
392. Look, there he is!Copy !req
393. Dad, how could you?Copy !req
394. Hey, Dad, if they
put you in jail,Copy !req
395. can we go in your room?Copy !req
396. Look, don't you kids buy
any of this for a second.Copy !req
397. Your father is innocent.Copy !req
398. Oh, he killed her.Copy !req
399. Just like the telephone killed
the telegraph sex business.Copy !req
400. - Hey, baby.Copy !req
401. I bet you're hot. Stop.Copy !req
402. Describe to me what you're doing
to yourself right now. Stop.Copy !req
403. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
404. Oh, yeah...Copy !req
405. Oh, nasty!Copy !req
406. This trial is called to order.Copy !req
407. Defense Counsel, we will hear
your opening statement.Copy !req
408. Hey, everybody,
today's the big day.Copy !req
409. That's all, Your Honor.Copy !req
410. Good. Good.Copy !req
411. Prosecutor,
call your first witness.Copy !req
412. Peter called me right
after he killed my daughterCopy !req
413. to tell me he
killed my daughter.Copy !req
414. Really?
Well, that is interesting.Copy !req
415. Yes, and as a favor
to the court,Copy !req
416. I've produced
this simulationCopy !req
417. of how the killing
transpired.Copy !req
418. I play Peter,
and I hired an Asian hookerCopy !req
419. to play my daughter.Copy !req
420. Lois, I'm fat and I'm stupid,
and I fart at timesCopy !req
421. that ruin my father-in-law's
social occasions,Copy !req
422. and that's why I'm never
invited to them.Copy !req
423. You pay me now?Copy !req
424. Chris, have you ever seen
your father do anything bad?Copy !req
425. Well, now that you mention it...Copy !req
426. Hey, Meg.Copy !req
427. Proud of you!Copy !req
428. Mr. Griffin, do you deny
killing your wife?Copy !req
429. Of course I deny it.
I loved my wife.Copy !req
430. And I certainly think
I'd remember killing her.Copy !req
431. - Mr. Griffin, do you drink?
- I plead the fifth of Jack.Copy !req
432. No, no, I'm joking. Yes, I drink.Copy !req
433. And have you ever
struck your wife?Copy !req
434. Only in front of the kids
to assert my statusCopy !req
435. as dominant male
of the pride.Copy !req
436. Are you a violent man?Copy !req
437. What are you,
a wise guy?Copy !req
438. 'Cause I know how
to deal with wise guys.Copy !req
439. No further questions.Copy !req
440. You son of a bitch.Copy !req
441. If I had a gun on a boat,
I'd shoot you.Copy !req
442. Mr. Foreman,
how say you?Copy !req
443. We find Peter GriffinCopy !req
444. guilty of murder
in the first degree.Copy !req
445. - Oh, no!
- Oh, no!Copy !req
446. - Oh, no!
- Oh, no!Copy !req
447. - Oh, no!
- Oh, yeah!Copy !req
448. Okay, can I ask everyoneCopy !req
449. to please stop saying,
"Oh, no" in this courtroom?Copy !req
450. 'Cause the Kool-Aid
Guy's gonna keep showing up.Copy !req
451. Thank you.Copy !req
452. Mr. Griffin,
I hereby sentence youCopy !req
453. to life imprisonment
with no possibility of...Copy !req
454. Lois! You're alive!Copy !req
455. Mom, you're alive!Copy !req
456. Oh, my gosh, Mom!Copy !req
457. Lois, my God,
what happened?Copy !req
458. We thought you were dead!Copy !req
459. Mom, we thought
Dad killed you!Copy !req
460. No, he didn't, Chris.Copy !req
461. But someone tried to.Copy !req
462. Do you remember who it was?Copy !req
463. Yes, I do.Copy !req
464. It was Stewie!Copy !req