Family Guy 5x5

Directed by Pete Michels • Peter Shin • Greg Colton

Robert Costanzo as Danny DeVito (voice) • Drew Barrymore as Jillian Russell (voice) • Audrey Wasilewski as Rhea Perlman / Bimbo #3 (voice) • Carrie Fisher as Angela (voice)

When Peter gets hurt and can't work, his boss tells him he needs to speed things up. So Lois goes to the brewery to help him out. Meanwhile, Stewie finds out that Brian is dating a very attractive but not very intelligent woman. He tries to get Brian to break up with her, but Brian can't do it.

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For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Family Guy 5x5 [10-11]; !req Family Guy 5x5 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. It seems today that all you see

2. Is violence in movies and sex on TV

3. But where are those good old-fashioned values

4. On which we used to rely?

5. Lucky there's a family guy

6. Lucky there's a man who positively can do

7. All the things that make us

8. Aah!

9. Ah, ow, damn it!

10. Peter, are you all right?

11. No, no, I think you should call somebody.

12. Ma'am, are you all right?

13. I can't... breathe.

14. Oh, God, I think she punctured a lung.

15. Aw, damn it, look at my foot.

16. It's already starting to swell up.

17. God, I'm looking forward to this week.

18. Freaking swelled foot all week.

19. You know, we should-we should...

20. You should probably go ahead and shut that off.

21. Oh, hey, Quagmire, how was Florida?

22. Oh, it was great. And guess what?

23. I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus.

24. Uh, Quagmire, fireworks aren't illegal here.

25. You could have just put them in your car

26. and driven them up here.

27. Yeah, that's just as fun.

28. All right, Meg.

29. - You be David Koresh and I'll be a heavy- - handed FBI agent.

30. Go!

31. Hey, you.

32. You're a crazy person.

33. Come out of there, you.

34. Quagmire, check it out.

35. I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together.

36. I call it Peter Griffin's

37. bunker-busting mega-ultra-super...

38. Holy crap!

39. Oh, my God!

40. You blew off all your fingers!

41. What happened?

42. Oh, my God!

43. You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out of juice over here.

44. Bone-dry.

45. There's one of Dad's fingers.

46. We have to hurry!

47. I learned in Biology if you get them back soon enough,

48. they can be reattached.

49. What's all the commotion?

50. Hey, there's one of 'em.

51. Peter, look out!

52. Go on, Jesse.

53. Make your peeps and poops.

54. Mmm, that's gonna feel good for Jesse.

55. Mmm.

56. Mmm.

57. Damn it.

58. Maybe if we make it mad, it'll come down here

59. and we can catch it and get the finger.

60. Hey, bird.

61. Your poop is white and green.

62. You're the laughingstock of the poop world.

63. Ah, yeah, ah, yeah, I knew that would get you.

64. Ah, ah, come here.

65. Yeah, you little son of a bitch, come here!

66. Hey, stop, stop it, stop pecking me!

67. Ah, thanks, Joe.

68. Let's plant a knife on him just to be safe.

69. Eh... good thinking.

70. Yeah, I know how these things go down.

71. Uh, hey there.

72. We were supposed to have brunch this morning.

73. Oh, yeah, sorry.

74. I-I had a late night.

75. Late night, huh?

76. What's her name, Brian?

77. What are you talking about?

78. Oh, spare me the theatrics.

79. I see the signs.

80. The excuses for why we can't hang out,

81. the inside-out collar.

82. If I didn't recognize what was going on here,

83. I'd have to be as dim as those retirees

84. I entertain every Thursday.

85. There's a hole in the bottom of the sea

86. There's a hole in the bottom of the sea

87. There's a hole, there's a hole

88. There's a hole in the bottom of the sea

89. Whoa-ho-ho, all right.

90. We're getting a little faster here now.

91. And you know what?

92. I think there's something else down there

93. in the bottom of the sea.

94. Something that you'll be able to relate to.

95. There's a tube in the throat of the elderly man

96. In the hospital bed on the frog on the log

97. In the hole in the bottom of the sea

98. There's a tube in the throat of the elderly man

99. In the hospital bed on the frog on the log

100. In the hole in the bottom of the sea

101. There's a hole, there's a hole

102. There's a hole in the bottom of the sea

103. Oh, whoa, what is this?

104. There's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen on the frog

105. On the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea

106. There's a birthday cake for Mr. Cohen

107. In the hole in the bottom of the sea

108. Get a nurse.

109. There's a hole, there's a hole

110. There's a hole in the bottom of the sea.

111. Look, Brian, I think it's wonderful you've found

112. a young lady willing to stoop to your level.

113. When do I get to meet her?

114. No, no, no way.

115. Oh... I see.

116. I get it; she's hideous.

117. She is not hideous.

118. Oh, well, let me ask you something.

119. Does she have an alibi?

120. For what? Why would she need an alibi?

121. So you're saying she does not have an alibi?

122. Well, no.

123. Okay, so we've established she ain't got no alibi.

124. She ugly, she ugly

125. U-G-L-Y

126. She ain't got no alibi

127. She ugly Screw off.

128. M, she's major ugly

129. O, she's fat and pugly

130. O, my God, no

131. The cow says "moo."

132. Here's to Peter getting his fingers back.

133. Thanks, Joe.

134. Oh, boy, I tell you, I haven't felt this good

135. since I came up with that new place to hide my porn.

136. Have a good day, sweetie.

137. - Hey, Greg. - Afternoon, Mr. Griffin.

138. Mrs. Griffin out today?

139. Shoppin'. Ah.

140. Ah, she's hot.

141. All right, last call, fellas.

142. It's closing time.

143. Aw, crap, I'm not even half-buzzed.

144. Hey, what do you guys say we take this party on the road?

145. Fine by me.

146. Skinemax doesn't kick in with the really dirty stuff

147. till about 3:00 anyway.

148. They had one on last night where the girl had a buttface

149. but her breasts was immaculate.

150. Peter, you sure it's okay to be at the brewery after hours?

151. Relax, Joe, this is where I work.

152. Besides, it sure beats the hell out of last Saturday

153. when we partied with that big-horned guy from Legend.

154. Hey, you guys want to go to IHOP?

155. Get some breakfast or something?

156. Oh, God, I don't know, Big-Horned Guy.

157. It's like 3:00 a.m.

158. Oh, that sucks, man, I'm wide awake.

159. - Hey, Quagmire, you want to... - Oh! Oh!

160. Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

161. I'm sorry, man. Are you okay?

162. - No! - I didn't see him.

163. Aah!

164. Okay, okay, guys, here's one.

165. If you were God, who would you strike down first?

166. Debra Messing. I find her insufferable.

167. French Stewart.

168. What are you squinting about?

169. It's not even that bright.

170. Yeah, he's terrible.

171. What we need out there now is another Tim Daly.

172. - Who's Tim Daly? I don't even know - who that is.

173. From Wings? Nope.

174. Tim Daly. He was on Wings.

175. What, no-nobody here watched Wings?

176. Is that the one where there's a guy and he's like, uh,

177. he's a, he's a pilot or something?

178. There's two guys.

179. They're brothers and they're both pilots.

180. And wasn't there a fat guy with a mustache?

181. That was Roy. He's hilarious.

182. Was this a cartoon?

183. No, my, oh, my god, no!

184. No, no, it took place in an airport.

185. Th-Th-The thing was on for ten years.

186. The, and the, and the funny repair guy was Lowell.

187. It made Tony Shalhoub's career.

188. Who? The tennis player?

189. God, you know what? Screw you guys.

190. I don't even know you.

191. Crazy people.

192. Living under a rock, don't know Wings.

193. I love Wings!

194. All right, I want to be very clear about this.

195. You can meet her, chat for a minute, and that's it.

196. In and out. Oh, don't worry, Brian.

197. If she's as ugly as I think she is,

198. I'll look at her once and then I'll go...

199. all over the place.

200. Then you'll wipe it up and then we'll go.

201. Hi, Brian.

202. Oh, my God.

203. Who's your cute little friend?

204. Oh, my.

205. Hello. Stewie. Charmed.

206. I'm Jillian.

207. Come on in. Who wants a drink?

208. So, you gonna take back what you said?

209. Brian, she's stunning.

210. Okay, you met her, you can scram now.

211. I shall do no such thing.

212. Now, why in the world would you be embarrassed

213. about dating her?

214. Oh, my God, Brian.

215. I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler.

216. Somebody should stop him.

217. Are her parents brother and sister?

218. Can you please leave now?

219. Oh... now I get it.

220. She's a moron.

221. But a moron with large breasts you can use as mountains

222. for your Matchbox cars,

223. or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts.

224. Shut up, that's not it at all.

225. Say, Jillian, I love what you've done with the place.

226. What is it? One bedroom, one bath?

227. No, it's a whole apartment.

228. Oh, God, outstanding.

229. So, Stewie.

230. Do you work with Brian at the detective agency?

231. Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

232. At the detective agency.

233. That's got to be a tough job.

234. I know Brian's work has him coming and going

235. at all hours of the night.

236. I bet it does, I bet it does.

237. Okay, well, Stewie has to go now.

238. What are you talking about?

239. I want some more of Jillian's delicious lemonade.

240. I know, it's good, right?

241. I just wish they didn't have to kill

242. so many lemons to make it.

243. Oh, this is fun, eh?

244. So, wait, Dupree moves in with Kate Hudson and Matt Dillon?

245. But they're newlyweds, right?

246. Well, that's no time to have a houseguest.

247. Oh, gotta go.

248. Sorry, Angela.

249. Every Tuesday morning, I call my friend Cleveland

250. and he describes every scene from You, Me, and Dupree.

251. Griffin, your work output this week

252. is even worse than usual.

253. Where the hell are those purchase orders?

254. Eh, it's this bum hand.

255. I can't type with it.

256. Well, that's not my problem.

257. - I need to see some improvement by the - end of the week

258. or you're finished.

259. Don't worry, I'll figure something out.

260. Oh, that's going to be Quagmire with Along Came Polly.

261. I gotta take that.

262. All right, so as you know by this point in the story,

263. Ben Stiller doesn't like spicy food.

264. Well, guess what's for dinner?

265. No way.

266. Boy, Lois, thanks so much for coming in

267. and helping me get my work done.

268. Without you, Angela would have been all over my case.

269. Oh, it's all right, Peter.

270. I know it's tough for you to work with your hand injury.

271. Hey, you know, uh, with you sitting there, it's, uh,

272. it's kind of like you're my secretary.

273. Well, let's not get carried away, Peter.

274. Now, please, I'm trying to finish your work.

275. You know, Lois, if I'm your boss,

276. I gotta look like a boss.

277. Finally, I have a reason to wear this big bowtie and cigar

278. I bought at the Dress For Success store.

279. Peter, if you want this work to get done...

280. Lois, take a letter.

281. "Dear Life Cereal,

282. "Where do you get off?

283. "Part of a balanced breakfast and delicious?

284. "Who do you think you are?

285. "By now, you may have guessed I'm speaking ironically

286. "and have nothing but good things

287. "to say about what you do.

288. "Life Cereal, do not change a thing.

289. "Signed, Peter Griffin.

290. Dictated but not read."

291. Lois, read that back to me.

292. Oh, hey, Brian. Back from a hot booty call

293. with your idiot girlfriend?

294. You know, th-think what you want,

295. but you don't see the side of Jillian that I do.

296. Face it, Brian, she's dumber than a Boston-area book report.

297. The novel I chose to address

298. is Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens.

299. Queer name, right?

300. The book was actually not bad.

301. For your information, Jillian is very bright

302. and she happens to be a very talented photographer.

303. Oh, that is so lame.

304. Every hot girl who can aim a camera

305. thinks she's a photographer.

306. Ooh, you took a black-and-white picture of a lawn chair

307. and its shadow and developed it at Sav-On.

308. You must be so brooding and deep.

309. Knock it off. No, I want to know, Brian.

310. What, specifically, do you talk about?

311. Uh, a lot of things.

312. Um, food, um...

313. the new seat covers she just got for her Jetta.

314. Um... Real World/ Road Rules Challenge.

315. You hate MTV.

316. Pot helps.

317. Look, you know, I don't have to justify

318. anything to you, all right?

319. All that matters is Jillian and I

320. have a great time together.

321. We make each other laugh. Fine.

322. But just tell me this, Brian:

323. does she laugh on her own

324. or does she laugh only when you laugh?

325. I thought so.

326. Hey. Yeah.

327. Uh-huh... uh-huh.

328. Uh, you gotta hit, uh, DVD and then menu

329. and then select. Yeah.

330. Yeah, the DVD needs to be face up

331. when you put it in.

332. Uh-huh.

333. You should be able to see the words Mr. 3000.

334. Yeah... still nothing?

335. Is it plugged in?

336. Okay, so plug it in.

337. Okay. Y-You got it?

338. Is it— uh, okay. All right.

339. No, no problem. All right.

340. Uh, love you, too, Jilly bean.

341. Okay.

342. - What? Nothing. I didn't - say anything.

343. I need a drink.

344. Uh, hey, uh, Jilly bean?

345. Hey, it's Brian again.

346. Uh, so, yeah, um, so I figured

347. we could get together tonight and maybe, um,

348. do all those things sexually that we usually do.

349. Um, what were those again?

350. No way, gross!

351. Oh, I mean, I mean, oh, oh, no.

352. Yeah, I totally love how that feels.

353. Hi.

354. You know, I've been noticing you

355. around the steno pool.

356. You look good enough for a promotion.

357. Peter, cut it out.

358. Hey, that's no way to talk to your boss.

359. Mmm, is that Pert?

360. You know it is.

361. Smell my Speed Stick?

362. Peter, what the hell are you doing?

363. Lois, I'm gonna come right out with it.

364. I think it would be so hot for you and me

365. to have sex in my office.

366. Oh, my God.

367. There is no way that is gonna happen.

368. You know, it's no wonder you're so far behind

369. - in your work if this is how you behave - at the office.

370. Come on, just touch it. Touch yours.

371. Peter, no. I have work to do

372. so you can keep your job.

373. Oh, look at me, I'm Lois.

374. I'm a worker. I make stuff on things.

375. Oh, I'll file these later.

376. Oh, I got a phone— nope, that's it.

377. Geez, Lois, I thought having you here

378. was gonna be fun, but so far

379. you're a bigger buzzkill than Buzz Killington.

380. Oh, man, this is the best party I've ever been to.

381. Evening, everyone.

382. I thought it would be very droll

383. if we all sat down and looked at etchings.

384. Would you like to join me, Peter?

385. Uh, well, we-we're kinda partying here.

386. Good! Hold this up.

387. Now here's a fellow attempting to ride a bicycle.

388. But he's having some trouble, isn't he?

389. Would you like to know why?

390. Why?

391. Because he's a Scot!

392. Now, who here likes

393. a good story about a bridge?

394. Ahh!

395. What the hell?

396. Jillian, what... what are you doing here?

397. Oh, hi, Brian.

398. It was so nice of you to invite

399. your girlfriend over for dinner.

400. I invited her for dinner?

401. Yes, you did. You wanted her to meet the family.

402. Now, come here, Brian.

403. Come sit by your friend, Stewie.

404. And then, think about this:

405. have you ever seen the sun and the moon

406. in the same place at the same time?

407. They're the same person!

408. I know, right?

409. You're brilliant!

410. Hey, Oogie!

411. So tell us, Oogie,

412. where'd you find this one, huh?

413. You two meet at a Mensa meeting?

414. No, at a Quizno's.

415. - We both ordered the Turkey Ranch - and Swiss, no onions.

416. Can you believe that?

417. No, wow.

418. What are the odds?

419. Well, hey, what are the odds of finding true love

420. anywhere in the world says this observer.

421. Hey, you wanna know something cool?

422. I threw up a lot in high school,

423. so I don't get my period anymore.

424. Wow, this is the one you've been

425. waiting for, huh, Brian?

426. Are you serious?

427. Are you serious, Brian?

428. All right, you know what, Lois, don't judge.

429. Because you don't know what two people

430. are like when they're alone.

431. Come on. Let's go out dancing.

432. I don't know, I'm feeling kinda cozy tonight. Kinda mellow.

433. I just really want to go dancing—

434. There it is again!

435. What is that?

436. So, Jillian, what are your views

437. regarding homeland security?

438. - Do you think we should support what - the president is doing?

439. Well, I just think, for starters,

440. that sometimes the government has things

441. they can't tell us and, truthishly,

442. we should just accept that.

443. Okay, good-night, everyone. Oh, say, Jillian,

444. before you go. I forget.

445. Do you know what the capital of this state is?

446. Um... Rhode Island City?

447. It's like she's five!

448. Thanks for hanging out with my friends, Brian.

449. Hey, come on. We're-we're a legitimate couple, right?

450. I-I should be able to talk with your friends.

451. So then the valet pulls up and I'm all,

452. "That is so not my car."

453. But then it totally was.

454. That's happened to me!

455. Me, too. Cars go fast.

456. Oh, God.

457. Yeah, I tell ya, if I had a nickel

458. for every time that happened.

459. Yeah...? What?

460. What if you had a nickel

461. for every time that happened?

462. - No, nothing. It's just an expression. - A what?

463. Well, I-I was just saying I-I do my share of dopey stuff.

464. Like, oh, this... this one time

465. I attended a speaker's colloquium on federal judgeships

466. and without realizing it, I kept calling

467. William Rehnquist "William Rhinequist."

468. Come on.

469. I mean, how— doi.

470. - Anyone else have to go to the little - girls' room?

471. I have new gloss!

472. I love gloss! Oh, that rocks!

473. Gloss rhymes with hair!

474. Dude, that was painful.

475. What are you doing here? Did you follow us?

476. Brian, why can't you just admit

477. what's going on here?

478. Okay, okay. - Fine. Fine.

479. I'm gonna have to break it off.

480. But, boy, it's gonna be tougher than the reviews

481. for Our American Cousin.

482. Blah, blah, blah, "Lincoln assassinated,"

483. blah, blah, blah, "tragedy for our Republic."

484. Uh... oh, look!

485. "Ably performed by the entire ensemble."

486. That's us! That's all of us!

487. Morning, Lois, I need you to proofread this

488. and collate it for me.

489. Peter, did you Xerox your penis?

490. 300 times. It's a flip book.

491. Flip through it or you're fired.

492. Oh, my God! This is disgusting.

493. Peter, for the last time,

494. I'm not having sex with you in this office.

495. Why the hell are you pushing this so hard?

496. Because, Lois, I already wrote the letter

497. to "Penthouse Forum," and I don't wanna be made a liar

498. in the nudie magazine of record.

499. All right.

500. If I give you 30 seconds of making out,

501. will that shut you up?

502. Let's see where it goes.

503. Oh, God, you know this is pretty hot.

504. Yeah, what'd I tell you, huh?

505. Oh, God, Peter, let's do it.

506. Let's do it right here, right now!

507. Lois, Lois wait. Wait.

508. Opie's right there.

509. I want him to look, Peter.

510. Well, that is the last of it.

511. You are now all caught up with your work.

512. Lois, I really appreciate you

513. helping me out this week, and I really appreciate

514. you having sex with me in my office.

515. Well, that was my pleasure, too, Peter.

516. Haa, I knew I'd get you.

517. Just like Danny DeVito got Rhea Perlman.

518. I don't know, Danny.

519. - Look, it's either me or nobody. - Sold.

520. All right, Brian, you can do this.

521. You can dump her. Because once it's done,

522. never again will you have to listen to her

523. talk like this?

524. You know, where everything has

525. a question mark at the end of it?

526. With an upward inflection?

527. At the end of every sentence?

528. Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking?

529. Oh, damn it. Now I'm doing it, too.

530. Oh, hey, Oogie.

531. Ooh, you look tense.

532. Well, uh, Jillian,

533. there's something we need to talk about.

534. What is it?

535. I, uh...

536. just wanted to spend some time with you.

537. What the hell? It took you

538. three hours to break up with her?

539. Uh, not exactly.

540. Well, what were you doing in there?

541. What's that smell?

542. - It smells like sweat and anger and shame. - Yep.

543. Life's confusing

544. when you grow up, isn't it, Brian?

545. - It is. Can we play my - mix tape?

546. Yeah, go ahead.

547. Brian had sex with a really dumb girl

548. Now he's taking his friend Stewie

549. To get some ice cream in his car...

550. Oh, you're a poor sport.