Family Guy 5x17

Directed by Zac Moncrief

Don Most as Donny Most (voice) • Keith Olbermann as Bob Grossbeard (voice) • Keith Ferguson as Jimmy Smits (voice) • Jackson Douglas as Jason Voorhees (voice) • Fred Tatasciore as Undecided Voter (voice) • Patrick Warburton as Joe Swanson (voice)

Lois runs for mayor of Quahog, though she doesn't become the front-runner until she dumbs down her political views. Once in office, she becomes corrupted with the power that she now holds, and begins accepting bribes so that she can buy herself expensive things. Meanwhile, Peter comes to enjoy being the "first lady" of Quahog, and all of the perks that go along with it.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Mom, are we there yet?

2. Almost, Chris.

3. Now remember, kids,

4. when we get to Mr. Quagmire's cabin,

5. don't touch anything

6. before I have a chance to disinfect it.

7. Boy, it was nice of Quagmire

8. to let us use his place.

9. This'll be much better than that vacation we took

10. with the Price Is Right yodeler.

11. Okay, you can stop here.

12. There's no way that microwave cost more than 300 bucks.

13. Stop here. Don't listen to that fat tourist.

14. She doesn't know how much a microwave costs. Stop!

15. Ah, we should have gone to Plinko like Cleveland.

16. Oh...

17. Wow, Quagmire's got a nice place.

18. This is gonna be a relaxing weekend.

19. Hey, did you hear something?

20. I think it came from upstairs.

21. Oh... hey.

22. Uh, this the week you guys were coming up?

23. Beautiful country, isn't it, Chris?

24. God, it is peaceful, no question, Dad.

25. Just be careful 'cause they got a lot

26. of big ol' wilderness bugs out here.

27. Oh, hey.

28. Y'all best be careful

29. or I'm gonna sting you with my stinger.

30. Oh, no!

31. But then I's gonna die if I sting you.

32. You know what?

33. I'm not gonna sting y'all after all.

34. And that's my choice. Y'all ain't worth it.

35. I'm just gonna head on over to that flower

36. and suck on that stamen

37. like there's no tomorrow.

38. Brian, how many years have I been saying

39. you and I should go berry-picking?

40. A lot of years, Stewie.

41. Wait a minute.

42. Do you know where we are, Brian?

43. This is a very special place.

44. They say once every hundred years in this spot,

45. Donny Most rises from the mist.

46. I think that's just a legend.

47. That's because you're... Look!

48. Actually, it's Don Most now.

49. All right, here's a little tune

50. inspired by one of the great legends of the Old West.

51. Come on, everybody.

52. Sodomy.

53. And when he woke up in the morning,

54. she was still in his bed!

55. That's it?

56. Yeah.

57. And then she wanted to make him eggs.

58. And he said, "Oh, I don't have time."

59. I've got a meeting at 12:30."

60. And she said, "I'll drive you there."

61. And he said, "No, no, it's at my office.

62. It's, like, a half-hour commute."

63. And she said, "I don't mind.

64. It's on the way to my kid's preschool."

65. Hey, hey, Lois, look at me.

66. I got postpartum depression.

67. Wah! I'm sad about stuff! Wah!

68. You son of a bitch, don't even joke about that!

69. This water feels kind of funny.

70. Yeah, and it smells bad.

71. Dad, look!

72. Holy crap!

73. Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake?

74. I think it's a safe bet

75. that that's responsible.

76. So they can just dump their waste into the lake?

77. This can't be legal.

78. What kind of world is this

79. where you can't even trust the oil companies anymore.

80. Hey, you've got a tattoo.

81. No, I don't. Is that Ziggy?

82. No.

83. You have a Ziggy tattoo?

84. Aw, geez.

85. Why do you have a Ziggy tattoo?

86. I just used to think...

87. he was kind of funny.

88. We should, uh, we should get to the hospital.

89. Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs?

90. Until our hair grows back, Chris.

91. Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish?

92. Oh, I don't think it's so bad.

93. I feel rather like Mozart.

94. Hey, Stewie, play Haydn.

95. Now play Handel.

96. Play Peter Griffin.

97. Ah, now that is a challenge.

98. Go ahead, mock me.

99. But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me.

100. It was God.

101. What can I do for you, Mrs. Griffin?

102. Mayor West, I'm here as an outraged citizen.

103. The Quahog Oil Refinery

104. is emptying all their toxic waste into the lake.

105. I mean, you couldn't possibly have sanctioned

106. that kind of blatant industrial pollution, could you?

107. Yeah, I told 'em it was fine. What?

108. And in return, I get free oil for my hair.

109. Hey, baby, want to take a gander

110. at some Adam West penis?

111. This is unbelievable!

112. Well, I am not gonna stand by while you let this town

113. be destroyed by corruption.

114. Mr. Mayor, I promise you this:

115. Next election, I'm gonna run against you

116. and I'm gonna win.

117. All right, Mrs. Griffin,

118. you want to take me on? Fine.

119. But if you plan to beat me,

120. you'll have to...

121. What is it?

122. A bee just flew in through the window.

123. Don't move.

124. Hmm, now look who's mayor.

125. First order of business, free honey for everyone.

126. Yay, Mayor Bee, Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! Ow!

127. Oh, done stung myself.

128. Bye, world.

129. Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker.

130. And I'm Diane Simmons.

131. The Quahog mayoral race is heating up.

132. with incumbent Adam West squaring off

133. against challenger Lois Griffin.

134. Which leads many political analysts

135. to ask the question,

136. "Can a woman really be mayor,

137. or will she just menstruate all over the city?"

138. Stay with us.

139. Oh, you guys, I can't tell you

140. how much I appreciate all your hard work.

141. It's really gonna make a difference with my campaign.

142. Hey, Lois, take a look.

143. I just made 500 T-shirts that say

144. "Vote for Lois, unless you're queer.

145. No, wait, even if you're queer.

146. No Jews though.

147. Okay, Jews."

148. Oh... These are wonderful, sweetie.

149. Chris, why don't you put these upstairs

150. in your closet so we don't lose them?

151. But the evil monkey lives in my closet.

152. Of course, he hasn't been as evil

153. since he became a Jehovah's Witness.

154. Hi, I'm going door-to-door

155. to campaign on behalf of Lois Griffin

156. who's offering real change for the city of Quahog.

157. May we count on your vote next Tuesday?

158. Chris, this is our house.

159. Ah, then what is for dinner?

160. Pork chops. Excellent.

161. Chris, have you been to any other houses?

162. I have not.

163. Would you like to come in? Please.

164. This is Tom Tucker

165. with some breaking election coverage.

166. Mayor Adam West has widened his lead

167. over challenger Lois Griffin.

168. I'm confident that the people of Quahog

169. will make the right choice.

170. And here to help me secure the Latino vote

171. is actor Jimmy Smits.

172. Adam West likes to eat food that's grilled in foil.

173. That's our guy.

174. Boy, this election's gonna be a tight one.

175. It's probably gonna be decided by just a couple of votes.

176. And here we are sitting here

177. like a bunch of lazy, paraplegic cops.

178. Huh? I'm sorry, Joe.

179. It's just an expression. Ah.

180. We got to give Lois a last-minute edge.

181. Guys, I need you to help out on the campaign.

182. Oh, man, that's like making all, like, signs,

183. and walking around or what?

184. You know, you bastards got a stake in this, too.

185. I mean, Lois is my wife, and if she's the mayor

186. we can pretty much do whatever the hell we want.

187. I could do cocaine if I wanted to.

188. Peter, you want some potatoes?

189. Yeah, how you doin'?

190. I was just asking if you wanted...

191. We got enough napkins?

192. Yeah, we got enough napkins.

193. That's enough. That's enough right there.

194. What time is it?

195. Is this-Is this straight? Is this straight right there?

196. Look, wait, see... I'll fix it.

197. No, no... Is this straight? I can't tell...

198. Meg, sweep that up.

199. Get-Get a broom, sweep that up. Sweep that up.

200. Put it in your room, but sweep it up first.

201. Suspect number two, he's the one who raped me.

202. All right, all but number two are free to leave.

203. Ma'am, I know that you're going through

204. a difficult time right now,

205. but I just have a few more questions.

206. Are you planning to vote tomorrow?

207. What?

208. Are you aware that Lois Griffin has a plan

209. to cut property tax in half over the next three years?

210. What does that have to do with what happened to me?

211. Well, you say number two did it,

212. maybe I say I smell alcohol on your breath.

213. You can't do that!

214. Sounds like Lois Griffin can count on your vote.

215. Hi. When you go to vote for mayor tomorrow,

216. please vote for Lois Griffin.

217. That's right. I work at a deli

218. and I know baloney.

219. And that's exactly what you'll get

220. with Mayor Adam West.

221. Ooh, sa-nap!

222. Boy, you guys, I really appreciate

223. all the help you've been giving us.

224. Except for you, Quagmire, you ain't done nothing.

225. What the hell are you talking about?

226. Lois is gonna get the entire female vote 'cause of me.

227. I've been having sex with every woman in town

228. nonstop for the past two days.

229. You know how many sperm I got left? One.

230. He's all alone in there and he's scared, all right?

231. He's scared. Ha.

232. Welcome, Quahog, to the town hall mayoral debate

233. between incumbent Adam West and challenger Lois Griffin.

234. We will now open up the floor to questions

235. from a community at large.

236. Yes, Mrs. Griffin, how do you feel

237. about those computer websites that put a blue square

238. on the home of a sex offender?

239. Well, the safety of our children

240. is a very important part of my plan for Quahog.

241. I have a 12-point program for the security of...

242. I'm sorry, your time is up.

243. No, no, no, no, I'm not impressed.

244. I'm not impressed, not yet.

245. Mayor West, if reelected,

246. would you increase the frequency of garbage pickup?

247. Well, citizen, that's an excellent question

248. and I thank you for it.

249. I think it's great we live in a town

250. where you can ask questions.

251. Because without questions,

252. we'd just have answers.

253. And an answer without a question is a statement.

254. Oh, I like him.

255. He looks me in the eye.

256. I'd like to have a beer with him.

257. I'm voting for him.

258. I don't understand these people.

259. He didn't even say anything and they're eating it up.

260. Lois, undecided voters

261. are the biggest idiots on the planet.

262. Try giving short, simple answers.

263. Sir, your question, please?

264. Mrs. Griffin, what do you plan to do about crime in our city?

265. A lot.

266. She's got my vote.

267. Because that's what Jesus wants.

268. 9/11 was bad.

269. I agree with that.

270. God, I can't believe how easy this is.

271. Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans

272. for cleaning up our environment?

273. 9/11.

274. Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem?

275. Nine...

276. Eleven.

277. Well, the election results are pouring in

278. and it looks like it's gonna be a tight one.

279. Which reminds me, Diane,

280. when's the last time you... aw, forget it.

281. Oh, my God, I'm an absolute wreck.

282. Well, folks, this is it.

283. The last of the votes have been tallied

284. and we're getting the final results in now.

285. Quahog's new mayor is...

286. Lois Griffin.

287. Aah...!

288. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

289. Oh.

290. Were we done cheering?

291. Ha.

292. Well, Mrs. Mayor, how do you feel?

293. Oh, I'm a little nervous, Brian,

294. but mostly I'm excited

295. about all the good I'm gonna get to do.

296. Wow, look at you.

297. All that power and you've still got that body.

298. And the first thing I'm going to do as mayor

299. is clean up Lake Quahog.

300. Well, I know the people will support you, Lois,

301. because you connect with them.

302. Like Disney connects with its audience.

303. You da cow!

304. No, you da cow!

305. Wow, Disney gets us.

306. And I think we all realize the importance of stopping

307. the environmental damage being done to Lake Quahog,

308. which is why I'm proposing a very modest tax increase

309. that will help us to...

310. No, no, no, that's awful.

311. No, no, no, I'm not okay with that.

312. No new taxes!

313. No new taxes!

314. No new taxes!

315. No new taxes!

316. But what about the terrorists?

317. That's right, terrorists.

318. We have intelligence that suggests that...

319. Hitler is plotting with...

320. with the Legion of Doom...

321. to assassinate Jesus...

322. using the lake as a base.

323. Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom...

324. How did she discover our plan?

325. Me, Solomon Grundy, kind of dropped the ball on that one.

326. And we also have evidence that...

327. Darth Vader tried to buy yellowcake uranium...

328. from unwed teenage mothers.

329. Those things all sound scary.

330. How much money before it can feel safe again?

331. Um...

332. a hundred thousand?

333. I threw a ten.

334. See that ten there? I threw that.

335. At the top of the news, Lake Quahog is once again clean,

336. thanks to the efforts of newly elected mayor, Lois Griffin.

337. We now go to Asian reporter, Tricia Takanawa,

338. for her slant on the story.

339. Thanks, Tom.

340. Once again, happy locals

341. are frolicking in the waters of Lake Quahog.

342. And we're here with their reactions.

343. Sir, how does it feel to have the lake back?

344. Well, I'll tell you, Tricia, as a local resident,

345. I feel like I can once again

346. take pride in my community.

347. I think this is really gonna revitalize tourism.

348. And—

349. And if you look around,

350. I think even the wildlife is starting to come back.

351. And, you know, that's something we haven't seen in a while.

352. I think we're going to be seeing a lot more of that.

353. Hey, you guys.

354. Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great.

355. Maybe you can do some damn laundry once in a while.

356. What? What?

357. Wow, Mom, is that a new purse?

358. Yeah, that looks pretty expensive.

359. Well, don't tell anybody, Brian,

360. but I was a little naughty.

361. I may have dipped into the tax surplus.

362. Wait a minute, you used taxpayer money

363. to buy yourself a handbag?

364. It's no big deal, Brian.

365. Besides, there was a lot left over after the lake cleanup

366. and I figured maybe I earned a little treat, huh?

367. Lois, spending even one penny of that money on yourself

368. is incredibly unethical.

369. Oh, come on, it was only $600.

370. My God, that's more than I spent

371. to go see that prizefight in Vegas.

372. I thought you said we was going to see Hairspray.

373. Bitch, I thought I said just shut up

374. and be lookin' fine.

375. What the hell's up with these rolling blackouts?

376. Well, since Lois is the mayor,

377. I'm allowed to reroute all the town's electricity.

378. What'd you do that for?

379. So I could reanimate the corpse of Jim Varney.

380. Howdy, Vern.

381. This is some dad-gum nice house you got here, Vern.

382. That's Vern, V-Vern, Vern, Vern.

383. Oh, wait, wait, it was John Belushi, that's who I wanted.

384. Peter, how could you...? Way ahead of you, Brian.

385. My mistake, I'll take care of this.

386. Hey, Jim, come out in the yard,

387. will ya? Sure thing, Vern.

388. He got the shotgun, Brian!

389. Don't ask me how he did it,

390. but Jim Varney got the shotgun!

391. Run for your life! What?

392. Run!

393. Excuse me, how much is this coat?

394. It's $4,300.

395. Oh.

396. Do you think you can give me

397. a little mayoral discount?

398. Well, I think you're doing a great job, Mrs. Griffin,

399. but my boss would kill me.

400. How's everything going out here?

401. Fine, Mr. Voorhees.

402. Good. 'Cause if you screw up, I'll kill ya.

403. Hi. Bob Grossbeard, Quahog Oil.

404. I'd like to buy you that coat.

405. Really?

406. All I ask in return is that you let my company

407. do just a little bit of dumping in your lake.

408. This guy don't sit right with me, Lois.

409. He don't sit right with me.

410. But I just cleaned up Quahog Lake.

411. Do you want the coat or not?

412. I want the coat.

413. Excellent.

414. Then we have a deal.

415. Ugh, Brian's gonna be really upset when he finds out.

416. Eh, I'll just take him for a ride in the car,

417. he'll forget all about it.

418. Wait a minute, I know where we are.

419. The park is near here.

420. We're near the park, Lois.

421. Oh, that's the tree. I peed on that.

422. Hey. Hey, Lois. Lois.

423. There's another dog in that car.

424. H-Hey, hey, hey!

425. There's another dog in that car. Hey!

426. Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey!

427. Other dog, you!

428. Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the Quahog Oil Refinery,

429. we would like to thank Mayor Lois Griffin

430. for our newest waste pipe.

431. Let the dumping resume.

432. Hey, Jake, how long can you hold your breath under water?

433. Longer than you. Check it out.

434. Aah! My face!

435. Lois, what the hell are you doing?

436. Remembering who I am, you crook.

437. Oh, I'm a crook, am I?

438. What about all the money you embezzled?

439. You want people to find out about that?

440. You better play ball, or we'll find someone else who will.

441. I'll play ball.

442. You know what, West?

443. You can have your job back.

444. Politics does terrible things to good people.

445. Good for you, Lois.

446. You wised up before it was too late.

447. I was so consumed by power and money,

448. I became the very thing I set out to destroy.

449. Hooray! I'm mayor again!

450. Don't we need to have a whole new election?

451. There.

452. Now no one will have heard him say that.

453. We all heard him say it.

454. Anybody else hear anything?

455. My wife did.