Family Guy 5x14

Directed by Greg Colton

Patrick Stewart as Peter Griffin with the vocal chords of Patrick Stewart (voice) • Keith Ferguson as (voice) • Alec Sulkin as Jim Brady (voice) • Lori Alan as Diane Simmons (voice) • Patrick Warburton as Joe Swanson (voice)

The Griffin family decides to start their own restaurant, though have a hard time attracting customers. After Joe promises to help, Peter is excited at the fact of it becoming a local hangout for the police. However, things don't really turn out as hoped, and instead it begins to be popular with the handicapped. When Peter attempts to change the place, a sudden twist of irony quickly changes his mind.

Request examples:

!req Family Guy 5x14 [02:32]
!req Family Guy 5x14 [Family Guy 5x14]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Family Guy 5x14 [10-11]; !req Family Guy 5x14 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. We now return to America's Next Top Model.

2. I-I just don't think you're being fair, Tyra.

3. You don't know what it's like to grow up the way I grew up.

4. You know what? How dare you?

5. You don't know me.

6. You have no idea where I come from, here I've been,

7. how long I've been there,

8. what I had to do to get from where I was

9. to where I am now!

10. Hey there, Mort.

11. Hi, Lois.

12. Neil's doing a report on Christianity at school.

13. Do you have any crucifixes I can borrow?

14. Preferably one without the little fellow on it?

15. Oh, of course, there's one in the den.

16. Help yourself.

17. God, I'm sick of Mort always borrowing our stuff.

18. He's a bigger mooch than the Mexican Super Friends.

19. Hey, Mexican Superman, can I talk to you for a sec?

20. When you signed the lease, you said there was

21. going to be like five of you living here.

22. Oh, no, they're not all living here.

23. They're just visiting.

24. Hey, Mexican Superman, I got the keys made.

25. Hey, Mexican Batman, get out of here.

26. What? I got like 60 keys.

27. Siléncio! Jefe aquí!

28. ¿Qué? Evición.

29. That ought to keep Mort away.

30. Peter, what the hell is that?

31. Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us,

32. so I made a scare-Jew.

33. Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard.

34. It's racist, and for God's sake, you ruined your best suit.

35. Now we're gonna have to get you a new one...

36. Shh-shh. Lois, Lois, look.

37. Hey, guys, I just wanted to return your...

38. Oh! Oh, my God, it's Hitler!

39. He's back! He's back!

40. Hurry, protect Jon Stewart!

41. He's our most important Jew!

42. Why do we have to get me a suit here?

43. Well, since you keep ruining them,

44. I'm not going to buy you a brand-new one.

45. Yes, I'll take this teddy bear,

46. this ruler, this piece of string

47. and this cardboard box.

48. Mm-hmm.

49. Oh, look, an "On The Raggedy Ann" doll.

50. It's water weight, you bastard!

51. Get off me!

52. I'm not your whore.

53. I'm sorry, I'm just so sad.

54. Well, I guess I can still play with it

55. three weeks out of the month.

56. Hi, there. See anything you like?

57. Oh, I'm just browsing.

58. Say, you look like you could use an activity book

59. with half the activities done.

60. Wow, that would save me half the time.

61. Connect the dots?

62. Ha! More like set the book down and have a beer.

63. You got yourself a deal.

64. What... are those?

65. Oh, that's a pair of red flannel feety pajamas.

66. Good Lord.

67. See, they've got a flap that opens up in the back.

68. Are you telling me I could be pooping and warm?

69. Exactly.

70. No longer would I have to make a choice between the two.

71. Sir, here is a check with my name on it.

72. Write down any number on this piece of paper, and I will pay it.

73. All right, so we roll the dice

74. and then we both have to yell "Yahtzee" really loud.

75. At the same time? Yeah.

76. And you have to flap your wrists like this.

77. And you'll do it, too? Of course, that's how it's done.

78. Okay. All right, ready?

79. Okay, you gonna do it with me? Oh, yeah.

80. Yahtzee!

81. Gay. You suck!

82. Hey, everybody, I'm home from work.

83. My God, Peter, you wore those pajamas to your office?

84. Hey, at least I'm mixing it up a little bit.

85. Green shirt, tan pants, that's refreshing.

86. Oh, boy does it feel good

87. to undo my butt flap.

88. Ew, Dad!

89. We don't want to sit here and look at your ass.

90. Yes, I'd rather look at Meg toweling off after a shower

91. when she does that butt floss thing.

92. Ew, ew, that's so disgusting.

93. Ugh, ugh, I hope I don't ever accidentally use that towel.

94. Lois, I have never been more comfortable

95. as a person than I am in these feety pajamas.

96. All warm and furry.

97. This is what it feels like to be a bear.

98. You remember what I used to say, Lois, when we first got married?

99. You remember? I used to say, "What would it feel like to be a bear"?

100. Well, this is it.

101. This is it— I'm living it, baby.

102. No, you're not.

103. You've been wearing those things for three days.

104. You can wear them to bed,

105. but tomorrow we're getting rid of them.

106. Fine.

107. Screw up all my fuzziness.

108. What the hell was that?

109. Oh, my God. Lois, don't get alarmed,

110. but I think I might be Jesus.

111. I'm Jesus.

112. Peter, that's a static shock.

113. Your pajamas created a charge of electricity

114. when you dragged your feet across the carpet,

115. and when you touched Chris, you passed it on.

116. Kneel before Christ!

117. Dad! I am not your dad.

118. I am Electric Man.

119. Ow! Damn it, Peter, stop it!

120. I got to tell you, you're pissing me off

121. worse than when I watched the O.J. verdict

122. with my old roommate.

123. We the jury find the defendant

124. Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty...

125. Yes! What the hell?

126. What? What?

127. Maybe we should get new roommates.

128. Yeah, maybe we should.

129. Peter, I know you're in here.

130. Yes, I am, Lois.

131. But where?

132. Peter, if you shock me, I swear to God I'm leaving you.

133. You'll have to find me first, Lois.

134. Where could I be?

135. Well, there's a Quonset hut

136. that I've never seen in this room before.

137. I got to figure you're in there.

138. How do you know, Lois?

139. I could be in that New York style magazine kiosk.

140. Peter, this all looks very expensive.

141. Yes, you might say it was...

142. shockingly expensive.

143. I'm going to try the Quonset hut.

144. I was in the bathroom.

145. The hut and the kiosk— decoys, Lois, decoys!

146. Glen, thank you so much

147. for helping me tear up my carpet.

148. Well, you know, Lois, I got to confess,

149. when you called me I sort of misunderstood

150. what you were asking for.

151. That's why I rushed over.

152. But, uh... well, it's fine, it's fine, whatever,

153. I'm happy to help.

154. What the hell is this?

155. Peter, I've had it with all your shocking.

156. Since you won't get rid of those pajamas,

157. I'm getting rid of the carpets.

158. Hey, Lois, you want me to leave a little strip in this thing?

159. Maybe a lightning bolt, unicorn, something like that?

160. No, I want it all gone, Glen.

161. All right, we're going Brazilian.

162. Hey, what's this?

163. Some kind of really old coin.

164. Huh. Let me see that.

165. Wait a minute, do you know what this is?

166. This is an 18th-century Rhode Island ship token.

167. This thing's got to be worth 50 grand.

168. 50 grand?

169. Oh, my God!

170. I can finally afford that operation

171. to swap my vocal cords with Patrick Stewart.

172. Hey, Lois, I spent the afternoon

173. making a list of famous Armenians.

174. Eric Bogosian, Andre Agassi,

175. Jerry "The Shark" Tarkanian.

176. That is all.

177. Peter, you've been sleeping with that money for the past week.

178. Don't you think it's time we did something with it?

179. Buy a bolt and shut that trap of yours?

180. What? What?

181. 'Cause I had an idea.

182. Remember when we first got married...

183. And I said, "I wonder what it would be like to be a bear"?

184. No, no, no, I'm talking about that dream we had, Peter.

185. Remember? We tried to open that restaurant,

186. and we never quite got it going.

187. Yeah, we got shut down 'cause of my exploding cupcakes.

188. Mmm, I hope these taste as good as they look.

189. Gerald!

190. The secret is in the frosting.

191. But I'll never tell.

192. Well, here's another chance to open a restaurant.

193. You're right.

194. Ooh, and I'll make my special cupcakes.

195. No, Peter... Oh, yeah, right, that was the problem.

196. All right, everybody, only three hours till opening.

197. Oh, this is going to be the coolest place in Quahog.

198. All the movers and shakers and bigwigs

199. are going to eat here... but not the small wigs.

200. Hey, I'm hungry.

201. I got a credit card.

202. Oh, God, I'm so nervous.

203. I hope it goes well.

204. Oh, yes, I'm sure it will go as well

205. as Liza Minnelli's Playboy shoot.

206. Oh, God, please put your clothes back on.

207. Mama... Mama...

208. Do you love me now, Mama?

209. Please love me, Mama!

210. Good evening. Welcome to Big Pete's House of Munch.

211. May I help you?

212. Yes, do you accept the Discover card?

213. Ha! Hey, Lois, Diamond Jim Brady over here

214. just asked if we accept the Discover card.

215. Oh, they're in an exclusive club called anybody.

216. Yeah.

217. No, no, no, I don't think so.

218. You know, you know, I would rather take two live chickens

219. than your fly-by- night credit card.

220. I would rather take a jar of pennies

221. that's value was less than that of your bill.

222. Look, you don't have to insult me.

223. No, no, no, you are going to sit there and listen

224. to the funny things I would take

225. instead of your credit card.

226. The guy at table seven complained

227. there's not enough juice on his prime rib.

228. Oh, did he, now?

229. Let me take care of that for him.

230. Tell him, bon appétit, douchebag.

231. Oh, look, it's one of those early Maude episodes

232. with the really long opening credit sequence.

233. And then there's Maude.

234. And then there's Maude?

235. And then there's Maude!

236. That was an ordeal.

237. Well, Peter, this has been an amazing week.

238. You and I own a restaurant.

239. Can you believe it?

240. I know. I feel like I'm dreaming.

241. Wait. Maybe I am dreaming.

242. That means I can do whatever I want without consequences.

243. What are you doing?

244. I just adopted 30 puppies!

245. Who's a? Who's a?

246. Who's a?

247. You guys, I have some bad news.

248. I just finished going over the books,

249. and this restaurant is hemorrhaging money.

250. What? Well, how is that possible?

251. Isn't it obvious?

252. We're not getting enough customers.

253. This place is like a ghost town half the time.

254. Yeah. Maybe somebody should have asked me.

255. After all, I'm the only one in this family

256. with any business experience.

257. All right, Violet and Pigpen,

258. you've been seeing each other a few weeks now.

259. What seems to be the problem?

260. I keep getting bladder infections,

261. and I don't know why.

262. Really? You don't know why?

263. I don't know what to do, guys.

264. The House of Munch is going down the tubes.

265. Maybe you need to do a little advertising, Peter.

266. Well, I tried.

267. I even hired M. Night Shyamalan

268. to direct my TV commercial.

269. I have a secret to tell you.

270. What is it? Come closer.

271. I see good food at competitive prices.

272. At Big Pete's House of Munch! Stop on by!

273. Unfortunately, they couldn't air it,

274. 'cause it turns out M. Night Shyamalan

275. was involved with September 11.

276. You know, Peter, my buddies and I

277. have been looking for a new hangout.

278. Our usual doughnut shop has gotten a little...

279. Puerto Ricany.

280. What if we made your place our new spot?

281. Joe, that's a great idea!

282. Fantastic! We'll see you tonight.

283. This is awesome!

284. Bunch of cops in uniform hanging out in my restaurant?

285. This is going to be cooler than that time

286. Ben Stiller taught me how to be myself.

287. But how can you leave me now, Ben Stiller,

288. when I need you more than ever?

289. I've taught you everything you need to know, Peter.

290. Now it's time for me to go help another child.

291. I guess I just fooled myself

292. into thinking you'd always be with me.

293. I will, Peter.

294. I will always be with you.

295. His movies are terrible...

296. Lois, roll out the red carpet.

297. Here comes Joe and his cop buddies.

298. You got tables for 30?

299. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Joe!

300. I thought you were bringing your cop friends over.

301. What are all these parallelograms doing here?

302. You mean paraplegics.

303. These are my friends, Peter.

304. Come on, guys. Let's eat.

305. Oh, God. I hope there's not one of those angry,

306. handicapped Vietnam guys with the bandana on his head.

307. Oh! There he is.

308. I've seen some things, man, and some stuff.

309. I wouldn't recommend it.

310. Peter, isn't this wonderful?

311. The place is packed.

312. Uh... Lois, uh...

313. aren't you a little freaked out by this?

314. Why? Everybody's having a great time.

315. Besides, think of the money we're making.

316. I don't care about that.

317. I wanted a cool restaurant,

318. not the cafeteria at the veteran's hospital.

319. This is weirder than that rap video by M.C. Escher.

320. And, in local news, a new restaurant is taking Quahog by storm.

321. That's right, Diane.

322. If you're handicapped, or know someone who's handicapped,

323. or just happen to be a fan of the circus,

324. then come on down to Big Pete's House of Munch,

325. where the elite without feet meet to eat.

326. Lois, this is insanity.

327. I think we should shut down the restaurant.

328. But... why? We're doing so well.

329. Lois, let me explain something to you, all right?

330. Cripples are not cool.

331. Hang on. I'm going to get the picture.

332. Oh, Peter, don't...

333. What do you see here, Lois?

334. Do we have to...? What do you see?

335. A picture of Mark Harmon.

336. A picture of Mark Harmon,

337. the greatest actor who ever lived.

338. Do you see a wheelchair under Mark Harmon?

339. Peter...

340. Lois, do you... see a wheelchair...

341. under Mark Harmon?

342. No. No, you do not,

343. because Mark Harmon is cool.

344. And I know what you're thinking.

345. "Oh, Peter, this is just like your Gil Gerard speech."

346. And you can stop right in your tracks, because it is not.

347. Granted, it is similar to the Gil Gerard speech, but it...

348. Peter, I like our restaurant the way it is,

349. and if you don't, that's your problem.

350. Fine. Then I'll deal with this myself.

351. All right, here they come.

352. Hey, Peter, we're here for dinner.

353. Oh no, you're not, Joe.

354. We have a new policy.

355. Can't you read the sign?

356. Peter, what the hell is that all about?

357. It's a message, Joe.

358. I don't want you and your kind eating here anymore.

359. You're ruining what was supposed

360. to be a cool establishment.

361. Peter, you're one of my closest friends.

362. Are you... you telling me that you have a problem

363. with me being handicapped?

364. As a matter of fact, Joe, yes.

365. I think it's immoral.

366. It's a lifestyle choice you're forcing on America.

367. We handicapped are a proud people!

368. Yeah, when you're not drinking and gambling

369. on your reservations, which we gave you.

370. Fine, if that's the way you want it,

371. but we're not going to go down easy.

372. Okay, that was easy.

373. But I'll be back with more handicapped guys!

374. Dad, look! Here they come!

375. Peter, we'll give you one last chance to let us in!

376. Heh! What are you going to do, Joe?

377. I'm up here.

378. (high-pitched, sing- And you're down there.

379. Very well, Peter, you leave us no choice.

380. Men, form up Crippletron!

381. Help! Help! Somebody help me!

382. Ben Stiller, help me.

383. No, Peter. I heard what you said about my movies.

384. How did you hear?

385. Hello!

386. Go to hell, you mutant offspring of comedy people.

387. Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid he'll never walk again...

388. without remembering how lucky he is

389. that he'll only be in this wheelchair for two weeks.

390. That leg should heal up just fine.

391. Peter, you do realize you deserve this

392. for the way you treated Joe.

393. I think you owe him an apology.

394. Are you kidding, Lois?

395. It ain't my fault that him and all his gimpy friends

396. don't fit in with regular society.

397. But I'm gonna be different.

398. I'll be a dignified cripple,

399. and I'll show them all how it's done!

400. Joe, uh... you got a minute?

401. What is it, Peter?

402. I, uh... just wanted to apologize.

403. I thought you and your friends

404. were just a bunch of gross cripples,

405. but I've been in a wheelchair for 45 minutes now,

406. and I see how tough it is.

407. Well, Peter, it's been a rough week for both of us,

408. but it means a lot to me to hear you say that.

409. So what do you say? Can we put all this behind us?

410. I'd like nothing better.

411. Hey, Bonnie and I are watching Grey's Anatomy

412. if you want to come in.

413. Oh, boy, Joe, I... I got to tell you,

414. that... that... that sounds awful.