1. It seems today that all you seeCopy !req
2. Is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
3. But where are those
good old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
4. On which we used to rely?Copy !req
5. Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
6. Lucky there's a man who
Positively can doCopy !req
7. All the things that make usCopy !req
8. Laugh and cryCopy !req
9. He's a family guyCopy !req
10. Peter, thanks a lot
for having us out on your boat.Copy !req
11. - No problem.
- Peter, are you sure Santos and Pasqual...Copy !req
12. don't mind coming in on a Saturday
to serve us drinks?Copy !req
13. Are you kidding, Lois? They're Portuguese.Copy !req
14. Work is their cocaine.
Besides, look at them in their tuxedos.Copy !req
15. They look like little people.Copy !req
16. Hey, Meg. What's going on?Copy !req
17. What's going on? You having a good time?Copy !req
18. Yeah, no, I'm having a good time.Copy !req
19. Hey, what's going on?Copy !req
20. Listen, you're 17 now, right?Copy !req
21. I was just throwing it out there.Copy !req
22. I was thinking, you know,
if you ever want to...Copy !req
23. I don't know, screw around or something.Copy !req
24. Hey, Joe.Copy !req
25. So, you know, it's just something to mull
around in the old noggin.Copy !req
26. Damn. What is it about golf
that always brings out the worst in me?Copy !req
27. So, Annika Sorenstam,
you're quite the female golfer, aren't you?Copy !req
28. Yes, quite the female golfer.Copy !req
29. I knew it! Look! Everybody, look! Look!Copy !req
30. She's a fraud!Copy !req
31. All right, I caught a fish!Copy !req
32. Sorry about that, Loretta.
Hey, can I have my fish back?Copy !req
33. You're gonna have to reach
into the cookie jar.Copy !req
34. Well, I can't just...
You're my best friend's wife.Copy !req
35. Reach into... All right!Copy !req
36. Yeah, you go in and get that.
Show that fishy who's boss.Copy !req
37. Loretta, they have some of that
three-bean salad you're so fond of.Copy !req
38. Hey, Quagmire.Copy !req
39. Well, we'll have to do this
again sometime.Copy !req
40. You name the time and the place,
little neck.Copy !req
41. I've always loved charades.Copy !req
42. - Your turn, Joe.
- The category is Famous People.Copy !req
43. - Okay, guess who I am.
- Ironside!Copy !req
44. - Larry Flynt!
- Stephen Hawking!Copy !req
45. - Dr. Strangelove!
- Roy Campanella!Copy !req
46. - Richard Petty!
- Lance Armstrong!Copy !req
47. Neil Armstrong! Stretch Armstrong!Copy !req
48. Stretch Cunningham!
Howard Cunningham! Potsie Weber!Copy !req
49. Natalie Wood. Definitely Natalie Wood.Copy !req
50. - Somebody save him, he can't swim!
- He's not even kicking.Copy !req
51. - Kick, Joe, kick!
- Peter, he's a paraplegic.Copy !req
52. That doesn't mean he can't hear.
Kick, Joe, kick!Copy !req
53. Somebody help him!Copy !req
54. Gay!Copy !req
55. You were right, Peter.
It was Natalie Wood.Copy !req
56. Lois, why the hell do we have to
take a stupid CPR class?Copy !req
57. Because, Peter, none of us knew
what to do when Joe was drowning.Copy !req
58. Now, be quiet and pay attention.Copy !req
59. Hi, there. I'd like to welcome you all
to CPR.Copy !req
60. I see a lot of smiles here in this room.Copy !req
61. There's one. There's another.Copy !req
62. That's good.Copy !req
63. I see that soda up under your chair.
That's all right.Copy !req
64. Soda's all right on my watch.
We also got Oreos here and fresh coffee.Copy !req
65. Everybody likes a snack.Copy !req
66. Now, who wants to go first?Copy !req
67. No takers? Well, fine. I'll go first.Copy !req
68. Peter, why don't you volunteer?Copy !req
69. No, I don't volunteer for anything
since I helped those guys...Copy !req
70. repaint the Sistine Chapel.Copy !req
71. Listen, I thought the stuff that was there
was kind of lame. So I put this up.Copy !req
72. I figured Andre the Giant
would be a little hipper.Copy !req
73. Get back some of those boys
you scared away.Copy !req
74. And that's pretty much all there is to it.Copy !req
75. It's hard, jagged, and tastes like alcohol.Copy !req
76. Just like kissing Faye Dunaway.Copy !req
77. Easy now.Copy !req
78. I can't believe we just did that.Copy !req
79. But, you know, that stuff about
spending the day together tomorrow...Copy !req
80. I forgot. Actually, I have a thing.Copy !req
81. But, you know,
you have my e-mail address.Copy !req
82. So drop me a line. And then I'll have yours.Copy !req
83. And we'll take it from there. So...Copy !req
84. Bellybutton.Copy !req
85. Well, I'll see you later.Copy !req
86. So, it's official.
Y'all are card-carrying lifesavers.Copy !req
87. Holy crap, a card with my name on it!Copy !req
88. I am now Peter Griffin, certified CPR.Copy !req
89. Come on, Lois! I've got lives to save.Copy !req
90. Thanks. Be safe.Copy !req
91. Nobody had any of the coffee.Copy !req
92. Only a couple of Oreos gone.
I'm gonna take the rest home to the cats.Copy !req
93. Sorry, I was dialing the phone.
Are you all right?Copy !req
94. Don't worry about it.
Doesn't look like there's any...Copy !req
95. Peter Griffin, certified CPR.
Don't anyone panic!Copy !req
96. - What the hell are you doing?
- You know, I don't think he's hurt.Copy !req
97. I'll get to you in a moment, sir.
I'm gonna have to check...Copy !req
98. and see if he soiled himself.Copy !req
99. - Sir? Sir?
- What the hell is wrong with you?Copy !req
100. - I've got to check if you've soiled yourself.
- Get off of me. Are you crazy?Copy !req
101. Sir? I'm gonna need you
to stop struggling, all right?Copy !req
102. - Leave him alone.
- I hurt my elbow!Copy !req
103. - I've got to get these trousers off.
- Somebody call the cops!Copy !req
104. - I gotta see if you soiled yourself.
- Nobody asked you to get involved!Copy !req
105. Get off him, you jackass!Copy !req
106. I'm gonna need you to step back. All right,
Looks like we're clean down here.Copy !req
107. You guys take it easy. No need to
thank me. Just pay it forward.Copy !req
108. - So they revoked your CPR card, huh?
- Yeah.Copy !req
109. This is worse than
when they took away my library card...Copy !req
110. for reading while intoxicated.Copy !req
111. Don't be ashamed of your hand,
Johnny Tremain.Copy !req
112. You still live in exciting times.Copy !req
113. Crap!Copy !req
114. Sir, do you know how loud
you were reading?Copy !req
115. "The life of a silversmith's apprentice
was not an easy one!"Copy !req
116. I got to figure out some way
to get that card back.Copy !req
117. You could always take the class again.Copy !req
118. I mean, I'm sure they'd give you
another card.Copy !req
119. - Hey, do you hear that?
- What?Copy !req
120. Sounds like someone screaming.Copy !req
121. What is it, boy?
What are you trying to say?Copy !req
122. It sounds like Loretta is screaming.Copy !req
123. - Trouble at the old mill?
- What are you, insane?Copy !req
124. - Somebody fall through the ice?
- It's summer.Copy !req
125. Bobcat?Copy !req
126. Loretta's in trouble? Come on, boy!Copy !req
127. Peter Griffin,
temporarily suspended CPR...Copy !req
128. - Holy crap!
- We should go.Copy !req
129. Boy, that was embarrassing, huh?Copy !req
130. Walking in on Loretta and Cleveland
having sex.Copy !req
131. - Peter, that wasn't...
- You know, for a large, heavyset...Copy !req
132. black guy,
Cleveland's got a cute, little white ass.Copy !req
133. That wasn't Cleveland.
It was some white guy.Copy !req
134. - What was that?
- Shut up and put some more...Copy !req
135. of that sugar in my bowl.Copy !req
136. Wait a minute. Brian? If that wasn't
Cleveland doing it with Loretta...Copy !req
137. then Loretta's having an affair.Copy !req
138. We can't tell anyone about this.Copy !req
139. That is the last thing in the world
we want to do.Copy !req
140. What a day!
We've done everything in the world.Copy !req
141. So I guess the only thing left to do...Copy !req
142. is tell you that Loretta Brown
is having an affair.Copy !req
143. - Good Lord!
- Oh, no!Copy !req
144. Oh, God! I'm screwed.Copy !req
145. This is worse than that time
I had to fess up to the nation.Copy !req
146. My fellow Americans,
I have not been entirely truthful with you.Copy !req
147. I did ga-googity that girl.Copy !req
148. I ga-shmoigedied her ga-flavety
with my googus.Copy !req
149. And I am sorry.Copy !req
150. Yeah, any idea who it was, Peter?Copy !req
151. No, we didn't see his face.Copy !req
152. All we know is it's a skinny white guy...Copy !req
153. with a tattoo on his left butt cheek.Copy !req
154. Well, I better tell Cleveland.
I got a knack for delivering bad news.Copy !req
155. I don't know how to tell you this,
Mr. DeVanney.Copy !req
156. So I'll let these guys do it.Copy !req
157. You have AIDS
Yes, you have AIDSCopy !req
158. I hate to tell you, boy, that you have AIDS
You've got the AIDSCopy !req
159. You may have caught it
when you stuck that filthy needle in hereCopy !req
160. Or maybe all that unprotected sex
put you hereCopy !req
161. It isn't clear
But what we're certain of is you have AIDSCopy !req
162. Yes, you have AIDS
Not HIV, but full-blown AIDSCopy !req
163. Be sure that you seeCopy !req
164. That this is not HIVCopy !req
165. But full-blown AIDS
Not HIV, but reallyCopy !req
166. Full-blown AIDSCopy !req
167. I'm sorry
I wish it was something less serious.Copy !req
168. But it's AIDSCopy !req
169. You've got the AIDSCopy !req
170. So, listen, Cleveland.Copy !req
171. The reason I asked you out here...Copy !req
172. I've been wanting to talk to you
about something.Copy !req
173. In Superman II, what is the story
with that cellophane "S"...Copy !req
174. that Superman rips off his chest
and throws at the bad guy?Copy !req
175. Prepare to be destroyed, Superman!Copy !req
176. - What was that?
- Yeah, take that, you jerk.Copy !req
177. - That was a minor inconvenience.
- Yeah, well, that's the idea.Copy !req
178. - Slowed you down.
- I'll say. Ow.Copy !req
179. - Didn't see that coming, did you?
- No.Copy !req
180. Yeah, well, you know, take that.Copy !req
181. Which actually brings me
to my next point:Copy !req
182. - Your wife's cheating on you.
- What?Copy !req
183. Yeah, it's actually a pretty funny story,
true story.Copy !req
184. Brian and I walked into your house
and she was with some guy going...Copy !req
185. Bam, bam, bam.Copy !req
186. - Peter, maybe...
- Hang on, I'm not done.Copy !req
187. Bam, bam.Copy !req
188. And then she's all, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. "Copy !req
189. Bam, bam, bam.Copy !req
190. You want to take it
from here, Bamm-Bamm?Copy !req
191. Bam-bam, bam-bam.Copy !req
192. - You want to take it from here, Emeril?
- Bam!Copy !req
193. So that's what we're dealing with here.
Any thoughts?Copy !req
194. Loretta, is it true what they're saying?Copy !req
195. Were you really having carnal relations
with another gentleman?Copy !req
196. I'm a woman, Cleveland.
I need some passion in my life.Copy !req
197. I need a real man.
And Lord knows that ain't you.Copy !req
198. Well, I admit after a long day at work,
I don't always come home...Copy !req
199. with that "Riunite on ice,
that's nice" mentality.Copy !req
200. And for that, I apologize.Copy !req
201. Apologize? I cheat on you
and you apologize to me?Copy !req
202. Cleveland Brown, you are pathetic!Copy !req
203. I disagree, but I respect your candor.Copy !req
204. Goodbye, Cleveland.Copy !req
205. I love you.Copy !req
206. Hi, Cleveland.Copy !req
207. - Hey, what are you doing here?
- Loretta kicked me out.Copy !req
208. Cleveland, I am so sorry.
You can stay here as long as you like.Copy !req
209. Cleveland, sit down.Copy !req
210. I want to sing a little song
that kept me going when I had troubles.Copy !req
211. We were at the beachCopy !req
212. Everybody had matching towelsCopy !req
213. Somebody went under a dockCopy !req
214. And there they saw a rockCopy !req
215. But it wasn't a rockCopy !req
216. It was a rock lobsterCopy !req
217. Rock lobsterCopy !req
218. Rock lobsterCopy !req
219. Yeah, you're gonna be okay.Copy !req
220. Now, everybody, Cleveland's gonna be
staying with us for a few days.Copy !req
221. That's right, kids.
So just treat him like one of the family.Copy !req
222. You mean like Cousin Janine who we're
polite to but then mock her diabetes...Copy !req
223. on the drive home?Copy !req
224. She can't eat caramel.Copy !req
225. Exactly.Copy !req
226. Can I touch your hair?Copy !req
227. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna touch it.Copy !req
228. It's like a sheep!Copy !req
229. You know, Peter,
I'm a little worried about Cleveland.Copy !req
230. His wife cheated on him,
kicked him out of the house...Copy !req
231. and he doesn't seem at all affected by it.Copy !req
232. He's probably bottling up his emotions.
That's not good for you.Copy !req
233. Right. I almost got an ulcer
after you shelled out $200...Copy !req
234. for tickets to Crossing Over
with John Edward.Copy !req
235. I'm sensing an "A."
Does your name begin with an "A"?Copy !req
236. - No.
- A "B"?Copy !req
237. - No.
- C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P?Copy !req
238. - "P"! Peter! My name's Peter!
- Is your name Peter?Copy !req
239. Wow, you are some kind of sorcerer.Copy !req
240. What Cleveland really needs right now
is to learn how to express his feelings.Copy !req
241. Now, what he needs right now
is a revenge lay.Copy !req
242. And I know just who to talk to.Copy !req
243. - Oh, God!
- Sorry, guys. Let me throw something on.Copy !req
244. - Peter, look!
- Holy crap, that's the tattoo!Copy !req
245. Well, I think we're about to find out
who the culprit is.Copy !req
246. 5-5-5-0-1-4-3.Copy !req
247. - Peter, I...
- Shut up, Brian! I'm sleuthing.Copy !req
248. - Hello?
- Quagmire?Copy !req
249. - Yeah.
- Hey, it's Peter.Copy !req
250. What's going on, buddy?
We're at your house.Copy !req
251. Peter, he's the one we saw
sleeping with Loretta!Copy !req
252. Oh, my God!Copy !req
253. Damn it, I knew this was gonna happen!Copy !req
254. I didn't mean it, you know?
I knew it was a mistake!Copy !req
255. It never felt right!
Please don't tell Cleveland!Copy !req
256. Well, all right, Quagmire.Copy !req
257. Cleveland, Quagmire's sleeping
with your wife!Copy !req
258. - What?
- Quagmire slept with Loretta?Copy !req
259. Oh, my God, Cleveland! I am so sorry.Copy !req
260. I can only imagine
what you must be feeling right now.Copy !req
261. It's okay.Copy !req
262. It's okay? It's okay to be betrayed
by your wife and best friend?Copy !req
263. Better it be Quagmire than someone
she could get a disease from.Copy !req
264. Cleveland, don't you see?
This is why your wife left you.Copy !req
265. You don't have any passion.Copy !req
266. Sometimes a woman wants to see
her man be a man.Copy !req
267. You got to push back a little!Copy !req
268. You got to get a little rough!
Oh, God! Peter, hit me!Copy !req
269. Yeah!Copy !req
270. Wow, so that's something,
about Quagmire and Loretta, huh?Copy !req
271. Cleveland, we got to get
your manhood back.Copy !req
272. Now, the first thing we're gonna do...Copy !req
273. is take you to a good, old-fashioned,
wrestling match.Copy !req
274. All right, Cleveland.
Nothing like a good smackdown...Copy !req
275. to get the testosterone going.Copy !req
276. I must be in Quahog
'cause all I see is a bunch of hicks!Copy !req
277. You take that back,
Macho Man Randy Savage!Copy !req
278. Doesn't he make you so mad you just...Copy !req
279. - want to go down there and hit him?
- No.Copy !req
280. Well, maybe not him
'cause he's kind of big.Copy !req
281. But don't you want to hit the guy
sitting next to you?Copy !req
282. Not him 'cause he's kind of big, too.Copy !req
283. But don't you want to hit his kid?Copy !req
284. Take that, Macho Man Randy Savage.
You jerk.Copy !req
285. All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't
light a fire in your belly, nothing will.Copy !req
286. Hey, look at me. I'm Quagmire.
I had sex with your wife.Copy !req
287. Those are so his mannerisms.Copy !req
288. - Peter, what the hell are you doing?
- I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire.Copy !req
289. - And I'm doing you, Loretta.
- What the hell?Copy !req
290. - You like that? Yeah.
- Hey!Copy !req
291. - Much better than Cleveland.
- Peter, knock it off!Copy !req
292. - Get you damn hands off me...
- You like it dirty, don't you?Copy !req
293. What the hell are you doing?
What is that in your pocket?Copy !req
294. - Lois! Somebody!
- Quagmire's got you. Yeah.Copy !req
295. Glenn Quagmire, you're dead!Copy !req
296. All right, calm down, Cleveland.Copy !req
297. I'm gonna kill Quagmire!Copy !req
298. Oh, God, you're hyperventilating!
Chris, get me a bag.Copy !req
299. Okay, Cleveland, breathe into the bag.
It'll calm you down.Copy !req
300. - Peter, I'm not sure that that's...
- Not now, Lois!Copy !req
301. Okay, Cleveland, Cleveland,
relax, relax, relax.Copy !req
302. Relax, relax.Copy !req
303. There you go. There you go. Okay.Copy !req
304. It's okay. It's okay.Copy !req
305. - It's all gonna be okay.
- Peter, you better do your CPR.Copy !req
306. There's no time. I got to go warn
Quagmire while I got the chance.Copy !req
307. Quick, to the Peter copter!Copy !req
308. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my God!Copy !req
309. - Peter, what the hell?
- Joe, get inside!Copy !req
310. - The blades are still spinning!
- Oh, my God, Peter! What is that thing?Copy !req
311. - Joe! Get inside!
- It's tearing up my yard!Copy !req
312. - Oh, my God!
- No!Copy !req
313. - Joe, I am sorry, buddy.
- It's okay. Look, it's okay.Copy !req
314. - Are you okay? You all right?
- It's okay. I'm fine.Copy !req
315. - Everybody's fine.
- That was scary.Copy !req
316. - Peter, what are we doing here?
- Trust me, Quagmire.Copy !req
317. Cleveland will never think to look
for you at Mayor West's house.Copy !req
318. - Hey, there.
- How you doing?Copy !req
319. Good evening, gentlemen.Copy !req
320. Listen, Mayor West,
my friend Quagmire here's in trouble.Copy !req
321. - He needs a place to stay tonight.
- Say no more. I'll protect you, sir.Copy !req
322. It is my job. I only ask
that you do not feed my cat, Bootsie...Copy !req
323. as he's already eaten and might throw up.Copy !req
324. Well, Derwood, now you really are
the big man of the house.Copy !req
325. Mother, change him back.Copy !req
326. You know, Endora,
I'm getting a little sick of this crap.Copy !req
327. You ever seen one of these? Huh?
You know what this is? Huh?Copy !req
328. - No!
- Yeah, it's holy water. Huh? Yeah.Copy !req
329. Try it. How's that feel?Copy !req
330. You like that?Copy !req
331. Power of Christ compels you, bitch.Copy !req
332. I hate Bewitched.Copy !req
333. Hey, so that's a pretty
reasonable reaction, huh?Copy !req
334. It's all right to go to sleep, my friend.
I'll stand guard.Copy !req
335. Okay.Copy !req
336. Don't worry. I'll be here all night.
Just don't try to make me smile.Copy !req
337. I'm forbidden to smile.Copy !req
338. Oh, no.Copy !req
339. That episode of Growing Pains
when Mike's friend Boner...Copy !req
340. ran for student council.Copy !req
341. Boner.Copy !req
342. His name was Boner.Copy !req
343. - I've failed you.
- This is kind of creeping me out.Copy !req
344. - I'm gonna go.
- Take this, for protection.Copy !req
345. What the hell's this for?Copy !req
346. When the time comes, you'll know.Copy !req
347. I'll teach him to mess with my wife.Copy !req
348. Hi, Cleveland.
Will you be joining us for dinner?Copy !req
349. - Okay, then.
- He's a Rocky machine!Copy !req
350. Peter, we have got to do something
about Cleveland.Copy !req
351. I think you created a monster.Copy !req
352. Well, there's only one thing to do, Lois.Copy !req
353. We've got to get
Loretta and Cleveland back together.Copy !req
354. And I know just how to do it.
To the Hinden-Peter!Copy !req
355. Oh, my God!
Joe, I am so sorry.Copy !req
356. How can you afford these things?Copy !req
357. Yeah, Cleveland, this is Quagmire.
Listen, I feel awful.Copy !req
358. Why don't you come on over and we can...Copy !req
359. try to get things back
to the way they used to be?Copy !req
360. Remember how it was?Copy !req
361. Perhaps here
there are many unsuspecting foxes...Copy !req
362. to have sex with us.Copy !req
363. That is why
we wear tight pants to show our bulges.Copy !req
364. - We are two wild and crazy guys!
- Two wild and crazy guys!Copy !req
365. You guys look stupid.Copy !req
366. Anyway, let's talk this thing through.Copy !req
367. Hey, Cleveland.
I was just leaving you a message.Copy !req
368. You violated the sanctity of my marriage.Copy !req
369. When the time comes, you'll know.Copy !req
370. Damn it!Copy !req
371. This is awful!Copy !req
372. Somebody stop them! Do something!Copy !req
373. Good. Let the hate flow through you.Copy !req
374. You're not helping!Copy !req
375. I can't.Copy !req
376. It isn't in me to cause harm to anyone.Copy !req
377. No matter how much
someone has harmed me.Copy !req
378. I'm sorry, Cleveland.Copy !req
379. Cleveland, I think this beautiful woman
would like to say something to you.Copy !req
380. You told me this was Lois' intervention.Copy !req
381. - Nice. Cleveland?
- Loretta, what you did was unforgivable.Copy !req
382. - This marriage is over.
- Well, that's just fine, Cleveland.Copy !req
383. 'Cause I am through being your wife.Copy !req
384. Well, I may not be perfect,
but I deserve better than you.Copy !req
385. Look at that, Lois.Copy !req
386. As beautiful as an HBO minority fairytale.Copy !req
387. But, Peter, their marriage is ending.Copy !req
388. Look at the bright side, Lois.Copy !req
389. It's a chance for a fresh start
for both Cleveland and...Copy !req
390. Oh, my God!Copy !req
391. What are you doing?Copy !req
392. - What's wrong with you?
- What the hell, man?Copy !req
393. - Hurts, doesn't it?
- What the hell... Yes!Copy !req
394. What the hell's your problem?Copy !req
395. - My friend? My friend?
- What?Copy !req
396. - You've been kicked in the...
- No way!Copy !req
397. - You're gonna be on TV.
- Oh, sweet!Copy !req
398. - Oh, my God.
- Wow! We love that show.Copy !req
399. - That is awesome. Hey, hi.
- You're on it.Copy !req
400. Oh, wow.Copy !req
401. Glenn, you sure you want to do this?
I already told you I forgive you.Copy !req
402. - No, I feel like I got off too easy.
- All right. If you insist.Copy !req
403. - You wanna ring the bell, Apollo?
- All right.Copy !req
404. Ding, ding.Copy !req