1. We now return to JAG.
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2. Harm, I found that evidence we need.
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3. Now we can finally clear
that Chief Petty Officer of all charges.
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4. Oh, what's the point?
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5. Does anybody even watch this show?
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6. Well, yeah, old people.
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7. I mean, they don't really pay attention.
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8. They just like the noise and the company.
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9. Hey, how you doing?
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10. How's that hip doing there?
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11. Remember the '40s?
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12. Hey, everybody.
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13. I'm just here to let y'all know that
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14. movie night's been moved to Joe's place.
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15. What? But we always do it here.
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16. Movie night at
the Griffin house is a tradition.
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17. Yeah, but Joe just
finished putting in his new home theater.
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18. It's gonna be tight, y'all.
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19. Oh, my God, Joe, how did you do this?
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20. I built it myself with supplies I got
at the Home Supply downtown.
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21. Between you and me, I think
Joe's got a little free time these days.
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22. I hear he hasn't touched Bonnie in months.
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23. Peter, you just whispered that to me.
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24. Shh. Here he is.
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25. Joe, what a great job you've done here.
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26. All right, let's get this started.
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27. Thank you for choosing
Joe Swanson Theaters.
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28. Rocky, please don't go to Mars
and fight the Martian.
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29. I got to do what I got to do.
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30. But there's no oxygen on Mars.
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31. Yeah? That means
there's no oxygen for him, either.
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32. That Martian wants a fight,
he'll get a fight.
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33. You can't win, Rock! You're 60 years old!
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34. Hey, look what Rocky
bought me with his money.
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35. Freaking Joe with his home theater.
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36. Has to top everything I do.
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37. Well, tomorrow
I'm gonna go to that Home Supply
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38. and I'm gonna build an entire multiplex.
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39. Well, let's just hope
it looks better than that balcony you built.
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40. Boy, that was a great episode of Lost.
Wasn't it, fellows?
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41. Well, at least the show's
got the right name.
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42. Yeah, I couldn't follow any of it.
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43. They don't care for most things.
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44. - Can I help you?
- Yeah.
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45. Uh, I hate my neighbor,
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46. and I want to build something
crazy out of spite.
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47. Well, I'll take you
to our One-Upsmanship aisle.
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48. Man, this place has everything.
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49. I bet you can even get
one of those gay mailboxes.
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50. Hello, hello! Right here.
Yeah, just right here.
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51. Just go ahead and put that right in here.
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52. Yeah. Gulp.
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53. Just kidding.
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54. Uh, pardon me.
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55. I just bought a rottweiler and I need
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56. a sign to warn people how dangerous it is.
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57. Well, we have exactly what...
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58. Ah, yes, here it is, "One way."
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59. So people will know
if they step into my yard,
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60. there's only one way out.
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61. In a body bag from dog injuries.
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62. Good day, ma'am.
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63. This'll teach Joe to steal my movie night.
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64. I'm gonna have my own multiplex theater.
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65. I haven't been this excited
since I learned how to speak Braille.
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66. Hey, bump, bump, no bump, bump,
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67. three vertical bumps,
four bumps and a square.
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68. Yeah, I've heard they all look alike.
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69. Hey, look what I found.
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70. Wow, authentic Native American remains.
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71. Peter, I'd put that back if I were you.
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72. You may be disturbing a sacred burial site.
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73. Hey, look, it's Robin Williams.
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74. Black preacher voice.
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75. Gay Elmer Fudd.
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76. The more you hear it, the funnier it gets.
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77. Want some more peas,
Chief Diamond Phillips?
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78. Peter, I really think you should
put that back where you found it.
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79. You know, Brian, I really don't think
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80. you should breast-feed the skull.
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81. Uh, I'm not breast-feeding.
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82. All right, fine. God, you're pushy.
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83. Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck.
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84. - Hey, cut it out!
- So many nipples. Suck, suck, suck.
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85. - Knock it off!
- Oh, I'm Brian. I'm having sustenance.
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86. - What's wrong with you?
- Look at me, everybody.
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87. I'm breast-feeding in public
even though it's wrong.
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88. And now
back to 1943's Fast Talking High Trousers.
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89. Well, isn't this a fine song and dance?
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90. - What are you getting so hot about?
- Keep your shirt on.
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91. Where do you get off
making remarks like that?
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92. Supposing I say you're a lunkhead?
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93. Well, I ain't much for supposing.
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94. - Well, supposing you were?
- Well, maybe I'm through supposing
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95. - and I fix to start figuring.
- Ah, horseradish.
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96. Well, aren't you
a pocketful of firecrackers?
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97. Oh, yeah?
You got something to say about it?
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98. I'll say plenty.
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99. I can't wait to see the expression
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100. on Joe's legs when I open my multiplex.
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101. I have to say I'm a little concerned
about the zoning for...
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102. Peter, are you peeing in that skull?
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103. No, Lois, I'm getting up and walking
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104. all the way to the bathroom
and doing it there.
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105. Pain in the ass.
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106. This concludes our broadcast day.
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107. The only time of the day I get to try out
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108. my Fred Schneider B-52's voice.
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109. Now try to get some sleep out there.
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110. Not bad. Getting better.
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111. Yeah.
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112. Uh-huh.
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113. I don't know.
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114. I don't know.
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115. Oh, you didn't see it?
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116. Uh, Ross and Rachel got back together.
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117. It wasn't that great.
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118. - Holy crap!
- What the hell was that?
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119. Stewie, what are you doing?
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120. They're here.
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121. Who's here?
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122. The TV people.
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123. What? No, they did a spin-off.
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124. Um, he's still playing Joey,
but, uh, it's not doing so well.
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125. Uh, Lois, have you noticed
some spooky things going on
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126. ever since Peter
brought that skull into the house?
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127. No. What are you talking about?
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128. Well, like the whole
business last night with the TV.
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129. I'm just saying,
maybe we have a poltergeist.
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130. Brian, there's no such thing as ghosts.
It's all just...
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131. Oh, I must have accidentally stacked
all those things upside down
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132. and then just forgot about it.
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133. Yeah, that's probably what happened.
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134. I haven't seen this much denial
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135. since John Travolta married Kelly Preston.
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136. John, do you take Kelly to be your wife?
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137. I totally do. I mean, yeah, yes. Absolutely.
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138. And I'm going to do
stuff to her, too, like, touch her.
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139. Yeah, touch her and, uh, kiss her
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140. and touch her penis.
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141. I mean, no, not that. Not that.
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142. Good night, buddy.
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143. Hey, what's the matter?
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144. I'm scared of the storm, Dad.
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145. Why, you know, I think the storm is
moving away from us, Chris.
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146. You know how I can tell?
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147. Here's a little trick.
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148. When you see the lightning,
you count all the terrible things
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149. that can happen to a child,
until you hear the thunder.
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150. And if you count higher each time,
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151. you know the storm is
moving away from you.
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152. - Okay, ready?
- Ready.
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153. Okay. Drowning.
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154. Getting shot in a drive-by.
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155. Lyme disease from a deer tick.
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156. Good, good. Getting stabbed in the face.
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157. Getting shot in the face.
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158. Shot in the face. There you go.
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159. I see you're kind
of stealing mine, but it's okay. Leukemia.
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160. Having a mosquito bite you on your scab.
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161. Oh! There's your thunder.
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162. Okay, let's try again.
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163. Okay. Swallowing
a razor blade accidentally.
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164. Oh, crap! It's getting closer.
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165. Okay, okay, try to think
of a happy place to be.
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166. Happy place. Uh...
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167. Okay, okay, I'm on MTV's Jackass.
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168. Hey, I'm Stewie Griffin,
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169. and I'm going to be kicking
my dad's ass all day today.
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170. What the hell? Stewie, stop, stop!
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171. Knock it off! Knock it...
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172. Come on!
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173. Come on, Stewie.
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174. You're acting crazy out there, man.
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175. No!
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176. I haven't seen anything suck this much
since I Heart Huckabees.
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177. Propane.
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178. I wish that scary-looking clown
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179. at the end of my bed would go away.
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180. Hey, skinny britches.
That there is my man.
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181. Why don't you pick on someone
your own size?
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182. You shall not pass.
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183. Stewie? Oh, my God, Stewie,
honey, where are you?
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184. Peter, I can't find him anywhere.
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185. Mommy?
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186. Stewie? Where are you?
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187. Look behind you, you stupid cow!
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188. Stewie?
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189. Oh, my God! What's happening?
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190. Oh, wait, hold on a second.
I want to try something.
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191. Thank you for coming.
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192. We've never hired
a spiritual medium before,
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193. but I'll do anything to get my baby back.
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194. You know, Peter, we wouldn't have to be
messing around with ghosts
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195. if you hadn't desecrated
those Indian remains.
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196. Probably a bad time to mention
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197. I'm wearing the skull as an athletic cup.
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198. Okay, let's talk to some spirits.
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199. Hey, how y'all ghosts doing?
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200. Y'all got a little friend of ours
named Stewart up there.
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201. We was just wondering
if you could send him back.
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202. Uh-huh.
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203. Well, yes, but I...
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204. Well, I don't see how
that's anybody's business but my own.
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205. Well, how about you and my father
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206. go and hang out at the gun range
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207. some afternoon and you can spend
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208. the whole day just
agreeing with each other.
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209. What are they saying?
Is my baby all right?
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210. They said that your baby had entered
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211. their world through the closet upstairs,
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212. and that the exit is...
Well, I don't know how else to say this,
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213. but the exit is your daughter's bum.
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214. Meg's ass!
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215. God, this is even weirder
than when Bob Costas
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216. insisted on getting into the tub with me
every time I took a bath.
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217. Ah, this will be relaxing.
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218. Hello again, Peter,
and this is gonna be great.
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219. We can talk sports
and we can play with your tub toys.
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220. Yeah, listen, Bob, this is kind of my time.
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221. Ah, a miniature boat.
And if I'm not mistaken,
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222. it's a replica of the Gretel II,
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223. which lost
the America's Cup to Intrepid in 1973.
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224. Yeah, uh, I'm going to dry off now.
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225. Peter,
now that you're getting out of the tub,
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226. what will you miss most?
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227. You ready down there?
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228. Okay, Meg, if this works,
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229. then we might
just have a chance at getting Stewie back.
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230. - Are you ready?
- No.
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231. Ready!
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232. Okay, here we go.
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233. Got it!
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234. Cool! Ass ball!
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235. Peter, it worked!
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236. We found the portal to the other side.
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237. Peter, what the hell
are you doing up there?
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238. We're gonna get those terrorists.
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239. Now watch this drive.
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240. Stewie? Stewie, if you can hear me,
head for Meg's butt!
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241. Have you lost your mind?
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242. And, Lois, get ready to laugh.
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243. Get ready to laugh.
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244. Gee, must've taken
a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
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245. Are you sure
Stewie can find his way out?
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246. We just got to be patient, Lois.
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247. Like waiting on the results of a blood test.
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248. A real important blood test.
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249. Will I ever see
my baby brother again?
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250. Only if he can find his way
into the light, Chris.
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251. For some people, it's easier than others.
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252. Some people just get lost
on the way to the light.
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253. They're walking along, they stop and say,
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254. "Oh, is that a new restaurant?"
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255. "That place must've just opened up
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256. "'cause I remember there was
another place there a few weeks ago.
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257. "I went in there once and there was a guy
with a harelip eating soup,
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258. "and I was like...
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259. "It wasn't the restaurant's fault, I know.
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260. "But I still never went back there.
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261. "I mean, I guess there's only, like,
a one in 50 chance
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262. "of me getting the same spoon that he had,
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263. "but I still don't like them odds."
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264. Oh, I can't bear this anymore!
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265. If Stewie can't find
his way out of Meg's ass,
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266. we have to enter
the other realm and get him ourselves.
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267. Lois, I told you it ain't safe.
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268. I'll tell you what's not safe.
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269. Going hunting with Dick Cheney.
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270. So, you all set to go hunting?
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271. Sorry, I thought you were a deer.
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272. Be careful, Lois.
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273. I will, Peter.
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274. I don't feel anything!
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275. Now she knows how I felt
when I was at her piano recital.
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276. No, you're doing fine, Meg.
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277. Oh, Stewie, you're all right!
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278. Oh, thank God you guys are...
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279. You're covered in slime.
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280. This must be how
Tom Arnold felt on his wedding night.
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281. Holy crap! Let's get out of here.
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282. Wait a minute. Where's Meg?
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283. - I don't know.
- I didn't see her.
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284. Yeah, I kind of thought
you guys would attend to that.
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285. - Peter, you got to go back and get her.
- Oh, yeah, right.
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286. - Like I'm going back for Meg.
- Peter!
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287. Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember?
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288. If we could only save two, we leave Meg.
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289. - I know, but...
- You bastard!
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290. How could you leave me in there?
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291. She's... Okay, see? It resolved itself.
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292. Oh, I forgot one thing.
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293. So, no hard feelings?
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294. No, no, let's just put it all behind us.
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295. You wanna come over
for some tea and cookies?
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296. Sure.
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297. Are you a giving tree or a receiving tree?
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298. A bit of breaking news.
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299. A local family is forced
out of their home by ghosts.
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300. Who are they gonna call?
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301. Ghostbusters, Tom?
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302. No, Diane, their insurance company.
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303. That's just stupid what you said.
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304. And now back to Disney's
Too Many Ostriches starring Don Knotts.
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305. There's way too many ostriches.
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306. Why are there so many ostriches?
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307. The brochure said
there'd only be a few ostriches.
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308. This is a terrible vacation!
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309. So, what was it like on the other side?
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310. Well, I met Jesus up there.
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311. Wow, what's he like?
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312. Uh, believe it or not, he's Chinese.
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313. - Really?
- Yup, Jesus is Chinese.
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314. In fact, his last name is Hong. Jesus Hong.
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315. Says he has no idea
where people are getting Christ.
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316. Quagmire, you got to help us.
We pissed off a bunch of ghosts,
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317. and now our house is gone
and we got no place to stay.
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318. Uh, Peter, this is not the best time.
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319. Glenn, are you coming?
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320. Yeah, honey, I'll be right there.
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321. I'll be right there.
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322. Peter, I'm really slammed right now.
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323. Can you give me the short version?
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324. Uh, what's, uh... What's going on in there?
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325. Nothing.
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326. So, uh, as you can see, my family's here.
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327. And, uh it's game night.
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328. We're playing...
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329. Sex.
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330. A soup kitchen, Dad?
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331. Isn't there any other place we can go?
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332. We're homeless, Meg.
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333. This is where homeless people go.
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334. Well, it'll just be good
to get some food in us.
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335. Hi, welcome to the soup kitchen.
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336. I'll just start you off with this basket
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337. of pizza crusts and apple cores.
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338. Oh, and we do have one special today.
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339. It's an avocado pit
with a little bit of avocado still on it,
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340. and that comes
on a ripped pair of boxer shorts.
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341. Now, I'm trying to decide between
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342. the tossed spaghetti on a newspaper
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343. and the half yogurt
with the balled-up tissue in it.
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344. Hi, there. Do you have any books
on how to get rid of ghosts?
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345. Have you tried telling them
you're ready for a commitment?
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346. Oh, like a relationship.
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347. Exactly.
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348. That'll send them running, huh?
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349. I like her.
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350. Here you go. Maybe this'll help.
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351. All right, here it is.
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352. "To vanquish poltergeists,
one must restore all disturbed remains
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353. "to their original resting places."
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354. So all we got to do is
bring the skull back home and bury it.
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355. What are you doing?
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356. You said you
were using the skull as an athletic cup.
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357. I was, but don't you remember,
I threw it in the garbage?
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358. Oh.
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359. - So, you're not wearing it now?
- No.
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360. That's, uh, pretty much
just me you're grabbing.
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361. That's how my old scoutmaster
shakes hands.
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362. Boy, this is more awkward than
that threesome
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363. when the girl didn't show up.
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364. So, uh, you definitely left her a voicemail?
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365. Yeah. Two.
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366. - Home and cell.
- Oh, good, you got the cell, too.
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367. Okay, I was gonna say.
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368. Ew! That is vile.
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369. I know. I hate myself, but it's so good.
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370. Can I help you folks find something?
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371. No, we're just browsing.
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372. God, I hate it
when they pester you like that.
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373. Peter! Yes, we need help.
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374. A skull, huh?
Then you want the human remains bin.
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375. But I should warn you folks,
we're pretty cleaned out right now,
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376. 'cause Carrot Top comes by every morning
to rummage for new props.
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377. Well, then we'll just have to pay
this Carrot Top a visit.
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378. He's funny.
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379. Except for that one show he did
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380. in Ohio after the airline lost his luggage.
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381. Ladies and gentlemen, Carrot Top!
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382. All right, you guys look like a good crowd.
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383. I hope it goes well,
'cause I don't have my prop trunk.
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384. I normally have,
like, a case with all my little props
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385. and gadgets and whatnot,
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386. but, it's okay,
you can use your imagination,
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387. like maybe a piece of luggage
that shoots dog biscuits.
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388. So, like, if you had, like, weed in your bag
and you went to the airport,
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389. you could shoot the dog biscuits out,
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390. and then the drug dog would be...
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391. Would go away from your bags.
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392. Kind of if you can imagine the dog...
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393. And then, the dog...
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394. Man, it's a lot funnier if I had my prop.
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395. Well, there it is. Carrot Top Manor.
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396. So, you having a good time there,
Chief Diamond Phillips?
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397. Oh, that's funny.
He came up with the same thing that...
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398. All right, Carrot Top, I want that skull.
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399. Who the hell are you?
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400. I'm Peter Griffin,
and that skull belongs to me.
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401. Well, it's hardly just a skull, Mr. Griffin.
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402. I put it on my head, and it's a skullcap!
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403. Put it with David Duchovny,
and it's Agent Scully.
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404. You got to appreciate that...
Hey, don't distract me.
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405. Now, hand it over, Mr. Top.
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406. Very well, Mr. Griffin, I'll give you the skull,
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407. but you have to catch me first!
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408. Looks like you found me, Mr. Griffin.
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409. But which one of us is
the real king of prop comedy
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410. and not just an illusion, huh?
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411. That's right, Mr. Griffin.
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412. Just a little further.
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413. Sucker.
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414. What the hell?
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415. How'd you get through the trap door?
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416. I found this saw with glasses on it.
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417. Oh, that's my see-saw.
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418. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
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419. You are so fucking funny!
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420. You are so...
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421. God damn you for being so funny!
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422. Oh, my God! Oh, oh, God. You know what?
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423. Here, here, just, you know what?
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424. Keep it, keep it. You deserve it.
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425. Just take it.
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426. No, no, I need it. I need it.
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427. Well, Chief, time for you to go back
where you came from.
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428. Peter, you did it.
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429. What the hell?
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430. Oh, Peter, I'm so proud of you.
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431. Once again you brought our family
to the edge of the abyss,
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432. and at the very last minute,
you saved us all.
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433. I love you, honey.
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434. And I've grown fond of you, Lois.
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435. Let's go home.
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