1. - A-Team roll call. Face?
- Here and handsome.Copy !req
2. - Murdock?
- Here, and crazy!Copy !req
3. - BA?
- I pity the fool.Copy !req
4. But I also suggest ways
he may better himself.Copy !req
5. This is gonna be a fun day. Much better than
that day I tried TAG body spray for sick cats.Copy !req
6. Oh. Oh. Oh, God. Oh, God.Copy !req
7. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.Copy !req
8. You're cute. You're cute.
I don't wanna pet you, though.Copy !req
9. Oh, all right.Copy !req
10. What are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?Copy !req
11. Oh! Oh, no! OK, no.
Yeah, no, this spray is not for me.Copy !req
12. - Brian, what are you doing here?
- You lookjust like ALF.Copy !req
13. I'm not ALF.
I'm Douglas Brackman from L.A. Law.Copy !req
14. I'm writing an article
for the Daily Shopper.Copy !req
15. You'll have a lot to write
after we win the costume contest.Copy !req
16. Hey, check it out. Bill Cosby aerobics.Copy !req
17. OK, everyone, Alan Thicke will be up
in a minute to answer your hate mail,Copy !req
18. but first, the winners of this year's costume
contest, the A-Team with the real black guy.Copy !req
19. OK, you can stop with that cigar now, Gary.
My sinuses will thank you.Copy !req
20. Brian, I read your article in the Daily Shopper.
It was wonderful.Copy !req
21. - Don't oversell it, Lois.
- No, it was good.Copy !req
22. It almost felt like it was written
by a real writer.Copy !req
23. I read your article too. You should spend
less time working for the paperCopy !req
24. and more time working
on that novel you've been working on.Copy !req
25. Brian.Copy !req
26. This is Wellesley Shepherdson
calling from The New Yorker.Copy !req
27. - Perhaps you've heard of us?
- Yeah, of course I've heard of you.Copy !req
28. I was using the Daily Shopper to shoo away
a homeless person and I saw your article.Copy !req
29. We'd love to talk to you about
becoming a contributor. Come by tomorrow.Copy !req
30. Wow, yeah, that'd be great.Copy !req
31. Two o'clock. They want me
to contribute to The New Yorker.Copy !req
32. The New Yorker? You'll fit in there
as well as I did at Woodstock.Copy !req
33. Excuse me, it's been brought to my attention
that a few bad apples are smoking marijuana.Copy !req
34. I've got news for you, my friend.
Marijuana's illegal.Copy !req
35. Not cool. All right, then.Copy !req
36. - You suck!
- Learn the rules!Copy !req
37. Our writers' lounge,
where you'll meet some contributors.Copy !req
38. - Fielding Wellingtonsworth.
- Hello.Copy !req
39. - Livingston Winstofford.
- Yes.Copy !req
40. - Amelia Bedford-Furthington-Chesterhill.
- Good day.Copy !req
41. And James William Bottomtooth.Copy !req
42. - This is Brian, our newest contributor.
- Hi, there. How's it going?Copy !req
43. - Would you like some tea?
- Cigar?Copy !req
44. Brandy?Copy !req
45. - No, I'm good, thanks.
- We read your article, Brian.Copy !req
46. Your study in postmodern American
subcultures was quite illuminating.Copy !req
47. Wow, thanks.
That means a lot coming from you guys.Copy !req
48. I'm sorry?Copy !req
49. Yes?Copy !req
50. - Is there a bathroom around here?
- Yes, yes, follow me.Copy !req
51. - Where are the toilets?
- No one at The New Yorker has an anus.Copy !req
52. Peter, it's been two weeks. Don't you think
it's time to take off your A-Team costume?Copy !req
53. Yeah, I guess so, but part of me wished we
could just be the A-Team forever, you know?Copy !req
54. Oh, this damn chair keeps wobbling.
I think one of the legs is short.Copy !req
55. - Lance, I told you to fix that chair.
- I checked it earlier. It seems fine.Copy !req
56. That chair's always like that. We'll help you.Copy !req
57. Wow, thanks.Copy !req
58. Hey, if we could fix that wobbly chair, think
of what else we could do for our community.Copy !req
59. Cleveland's right. It seems it's our destiny
to be the A-Team after all.Copy !req
60. We're the A-Team, yeah!Copy !req
61. In 2005, a group of local misfits won
a costume contest at an '80s TV convention.Copy !req
62. These men promptly returned home
and drank some beer.Copy !req
63. Today they survive as soldiers of fortune.Copy !req
64. If you have a problem, if no one else can help,
and if you can find them,Copy !req
65. maybe you can hire the A-Team.Copy !req
66. So I said to him, "Brown liquor before
Labor Day? What, do you work for Esquire?"Copy !req
67. Oh, Brian, how droll.
We'll have to put that into a cartoon,Copy !req
68. or as we call it,
an illustrated laughing square.Copy !req
69. You went to Harvard? I'm an Ivy-League man
myself. I went to Brown.Copy !req
70. My incarcerated business partner's retarded
gay niece went to Brown. What year?Copy !req
71. Well, I mean, I didn't technically graduate.Copy !req
72. You're a college dropout?Copy !req
73. Brian, The New Yorker does not employ
your kind. You, sir, are fired.Copy !req
74. I can't believe they fired you. How come you
never told us you dropped out of college?Copy !req
75. I saw an Afterschool Special about that.Copy !req
76. It didn't work out too well for Kristy
McNichol, but then again, nothing did.Copy !req
77. I was only one course shy of graduating
and I just cracked under the pressure.Copy !req
78. Now it just cost me the best job I ever had.Copy !req
79. Don't take it too hard.
You're not the first person to get fired.Copy !req
80. Louis, the French people really
wanna thank you for your services as king,Copy !req
81. but, it's just not working out
and we've decided to go another way, so...Copy !req
82. Yeah.Copy !req
83. I just heard the dog got fired.
Did I miss it? Did he cry yet?Copy !req
84. Oh, come on, dog. Cry for me.
Ah, there you are.Copy !req
85. Oh, yeah, cry for Stewie.
Life isn't what you thought it would be.Copy !req
86. Boy, not graduating from college
has haunted me for years.Copy !req
87. Well, if you only had one class left
why don't you just go back and finish?Copy !req
88. - Plenty of people do that.
- You know, that's not a bad idea.Copy !req
89. Well, this is boring.
Let's go see what Meg is up to.Copy !req
90. Hello, Meg...Copy !req
91. - What are you doing here?
- Are you kidding?Copy !req
92. Miss watching you crash and burn in
this misguided attempt to finish college?Copy !req
93. You're not staying. I'll call Lois
and have her pick you up.Copy !req
94. Hi, I'm your roommate Caleb.
I like cutting myself.Copy !req
95. I bleed a lot. Can I have the top bunk?Copy !req
96. He already has a roommate - me.
We're a couple of crazy college kooks.Copy !req
97. We're about to make a hilarious
answering-machine message.Copy !req
98. You've reached Stewie and Brian.
We're not here right now.Copy !req
99. If this is Mom, send money
because we're college studentsCopy !req
100. and we need money
for books and highlightersCopy !req
101. and ramen noodles and condoms
for sexual relations with our classmates.Copy !req
102. All right, fine, you can stay,
but what do I tell Lois?Copy !req
103. You don't have to tell her.
Gary Coleman owed me a favour.Copy !req
104. - Stewie, you want more strained peas?
- What you talkin' 'bout, vile woman?Copy !req
105. There she is, boys, all done.Copy !req
106. The A-Team is ready to help rid the world
of injustice and evil.Copy !req
107. Yeah!Copy !req
108. - All right!
- Yeah!Copy !req
109. Let's do it!Copy !req
110. This is advanced physics, right?Copy !req
111. I have a right to defend myself as a woman!Copy !req
112. - No means no!
- What the hell is wrong with you?Copy !req
113. I'm sorry. I just came from that
orientation seminar about college dating.Copy !req
114. Hi, I'm Kelly McGillis,
and I'm here to talk to you about rape.Copy !req
115. Ladies, look to your left.
Now look to your right.Copy !req
116. Statistics indicate
that both of those men will rape you.Copy !req
117. - I'm not gonna rape you.
- I might.Copy !req
118. - Good morning, class.
- Can I borrow a pencil?Copy !req
119. - Now, now, it looks like we have a comedian.
- I wasn't making a joke, I was just asking...Copy !req
120. Now, Louie Anderson, our first test is Friday,Copy !req
121. and if you don't pass you are out of the class.Copy !req
122. Fluffy! Fluffy, come down!Copy !req
123. Oh, Mommy, Daddy, what are we gonna do?Copy !req
124. Don't you worry, sad little girl. The A-Team'll
get your beloved kitty down. Ready, boys?Copy !req
125. - No need to thank us, it's what we do.
- Who the hell are you guys?Copy !req
126. We're the A-Team.Copy !req
127. - Get off my property!
- Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Let's go.Copy !req
128. What do you think?
I got this at the school store.Copy !req
129. It's an MC Escher drawing.
I think it's called Crazy Stairs.Copy !req
130. Look, Stewie, I gotta finish this assignment
or I'm gonna fail this class.Copy !req
131. - All done.
- What? I can't use this. It'd be cheating.Copy !req
132. Fine. I'll be out on the quad. You know what
I've discovered since I've been in college?Copy !req
133. I am so all about Ultimate Frisbee.Copy !req
134. Oh, no! Did that hit Crazy Stairs?Copy !req
135. I graded your assignments.Copy !req
136. Clearly there is only one person here
who understands the material - Brian Griffin.Copy !req
137. Just got lucky, I guess.Copy !req
138. No, Brian, I underestimated you.Copy !req
139. Here, let me put a smiley face on your test.Copy !req
140. May I borrow your pen?Copy !req
141. You... Do you...
Do you want me to just stick it in there?Copy !req
142. Yes.Copy !req
143. There. You have earned that.Copy !req
144. - Hey, what's up B-Ri?
- Stewie, just give me a beer.Copy !req
145. I've had a bad day.
I cheated on that assignment.Copy !req
146. You know, I haven't taken a shower since we
got here. I totally reek, man. Check this out.Copy !req
147. - Come on!
- Tell me that's not epic.Copy !req
148. I didn't come back to college to cheat
my way through. I wanted to do it on my own.Copy !req
149. Will you relax? Plenty of people cheat.Copy !req
150. Once again, Ashlee Simpson.Copy !req
151. Mom, look. They're tearing down
Roger Williams Park to build a strip mall.Copy !req
152. Oh, no, I take Stewie there all the time,
don't I, sweetie?Copy !req
153. Victory shall be mine.Copy !req
154. That's where I go to make out with
my boyfriend, Darren Mitchellstork.Copy !req
155. Yeah, he's the chairman
of the soccer ball team.Copy !req
156. Well, all right. Make sure
you practise safe sex, Meg.Copy !req
157. You little liar!Copy !req
158. Roger Williams Park?
That sounds like a job for the A-Team.Copy !req
159. - Hi, Dad!
- Go to your room.Copy !req
160. OK.Copy !req
161. Ah, Brian, I am glad you could come
to my faculty cocktail party.Copy !req
162. Let me introduce my wife, Helen.Copy !req
163. Dammit, Steve, you forgot
to put out the cheese and crackers.Copy !req
164. Helen, don't start with me
in front of our guests.Copy !req
165. Do you think I like hitting you?Copy !req
166. I am sorry you had to see that.Copy !req
167. Look, sir, I need to confess something.
That assignment I turned in...Copy !req
168. You know, Brian,Copy !req
169. before you came along I was so depressed
I was planning to kill myself.Copy !req
170. But you have inspired me.Copy !req
171. If you can learn, maybe one day I can walk.Copy !req
172. Now, what was it you wanted to say?Copy !req
173. Nothing.Copy !req
174. You were supposed to get potato chips,
you jackass.Copy !req
175. Dammit, Helen, get the hell off my back
or so help me... so help me...Copy !req
176. Don't worry.
I hear they have great make-up sex.Copy !req
177. - Oh, that feels so good.
- Oh, oh, oh. Oh, yeah. Like that.Copy !req
178. - Oh, baby.
- I thought about this all day.Copy !req
179. Not so fast. You are hurting me.Copy !req
180. - All right.
- Stewie, come on, we're going home.Copy !req
181. - What are you talking about?
- My final exam is tomorrow.Copy !req
182. Only way I'll pass is if I cheat. If I do, what
was the point of coming back to college?Copy !req
183. We can't leave. It's almost half-time,
and we all pooped in the tuba.Copy !req
184. OK, we can go.Copy !req
185. Hey, what are you guys doing?
This is a job site.Copy !req
186. No, it's not. It's Roger Williams Park and
we're here to stop you from destroying it.Copy !req
187. Whoa! What are you gonna do? Kill us?Copy !req
188. Oh, no, no. We wouldn't do that.Copy !req
189. We'll probably shoot the ground around you
to make you scared.Copy !req
190. Then you'll jump in your truck, speed off,
hit something and do a flip.Copy !req
191. - That'd kill us.
- No, you'll just roll out and dust yourself offCopy !req
192. and lumber to your hideout, defeated.Copy !req
193. I had a cousin got in a fender-bender
at five miles an hour.Copy !req
194. Messed his neck up, he's got partial
numbness, he's just not the same guy.Copy !req
195. - Was he wearing his safety belt?
- Thank God.Copy !req
196. Yeah, cos I know this guy
who took his car in for an oil change.Copy !req
197. Later he got in a wreck
and the air bag didn't deploy.Copy !req
198. - Turns out they stole it, sold it for spares.
- No way.Copy !req
199. It happens. They call 'em chop shops.
Makes it harder to track stolen parts.Copy !req
200. Jeez, that is awful.Copy !req
201. Well, you got a lot of work to do.
We should get out of your hair.Copy !req
202. - Take it easy, now.
- Yeah, see you.Copy !req
203. Be sure to put your tools away.Copy !req
204. - We blew it, didn't we?
- Boy, you can say that again.Copy !req
205. We were ready to save Roger Williams Park
and we got sidetracked by idle conversation.Copy !req
206. - We're a terrible A-Team.
- The problem is we didn't stay focused.Copy !req
207. That's exactly it. We didn't stay focused.
I mean, we were right there,Copy !req
208. and then we just...
Somehow we just... I mean... It...Copy !req
209. It's been said. We didn't stay focused.Copy !req
210. Now back to The Facts of Life.Copy !req
211. - Hey, Mrs Garrett, can I ask you something?
- What is it, Jo?Copy !req
212. Is it a problem
if your penis and your vagina touch?Copy !req
213. What?Copy !req
214. I try to keep 'em separated, but I woke up
this morning and they were sort of together.Copy !req
215. - I just didn't know. Is that OK?
- You have both?Copy !req
216. - Well, yeah, doesn't everybody?
- No!Copy !req
217. Brian, what are you doing home?Copy !req
218. I couldn't do it.
I thought I'd be able to finish this time,Copy !req
219. but I just don't have what it takes
to be a college graduate.Copy !req
220. But you're so close.
I mean, your final exam's tomorrow.Copy !req
221. You can't give up. You could study tonight.
I think if you work at it...Copy !req
222. Lois, Lois. It's over, all right?
I'm not going.Copy !req
223. Well, whatever you say.Copy !req
224. - Hey, what's in this closet?
- What are you doing?Copy !req
225. - Well, my my. Mr Hoover's come to visit.
- I don't wanna see Mr Hoover.Copy !req
226. I wonder if Mr Hoover has anything
to say about this.Copy !req
227. This is not funny.
I don't wanna see Mr Hoover.Copy !req
228. Stop! Stop it! Stop it! It's scaring me!Copy !req
229. Leave me alone! It's so loud!Copy !req
230. - Stop! Stop it! All right, OK, I'll study!
- I'll help you if you want.Copy !req
231. No thanks, Lois.
There's only one person who can help me.Copy !req
232. Drago!Copy !req
233. - The exam's in three hours.
- Crap. All we did was work out.Copy !req
234. - We should study.
- Right.Copy !req
235. You're not wearing your costume any more.Copy !req
236. What's the point? I thought I could
help people with this A-Team thing,Copy !req
237. but it turns out I'm as useless as
that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson.Copy !req
238. It's like, "She's naked, but who gives a shit?"Copy !req
239. Oh, my God, I overslept.
My exam's in 20 minutes.Copy !req
240. Brian, you'll never make it.Copy !req
241. Unless there was some kind of team
of people who could get you there in time.Copy !req
242. Peter, do you know anybody like that?Copy !req
243. You may start your exam...Copy !req
244. now.Copy !req
245. - Well, how'd you do?
- I failed.Copy !req
246. - What? You failed?
- Yep.Copy !req
247. - What are you smiling for?
- Because I took it all the way.Copy !req
248. I didn't give up on myself, and I didn't cheat.Copy !req
249. - You probably should have.
- Yeah.Copy !req
250. - You would've been better off.
- What were you thinking?Copy !req
251. Doesn't matter how it turned out.
I finished what I started,Copy !req
252. which means I have my pride,
and that's something.Copy !req
253. - No, it's not.
- Are you out of your mind?Copy !req
254. - I don't understand.
- You're a loser.Copy !req
255. I hate you!Copy !req
256. Visiontext Subtitles: Abigail SmithCopy !req
257. I am so bored.Copy !req
258. When you take a break from your lipstick,
how about taking me to the park?Copy !req
259. My lipstick? What...?Copy !req
260. Right. Right. Right, because of my penis.Copy !req
261. Yeah, that's fantastic.Copy !req
262. Lois, Brian won't take me to the park.Copy !req
263. Then he talked about his ding-dong. Lois.Copy !req
264. Lois. Dammit, woman, pay attention to me.Copy !req
265. Stewie, that's not nice. Don't grab Mommy's
pants like that. You could really hurt her.Copy !req
266. Yes, I could, couldn't I? I could hurt Mommy.Copy !req
267. Shame on us, Rupert. How dare we succumb
to boredom while she continues to breathe?Copy !req
268. She must be destroyed.
With Lois out of the way,Copy !req
269. I could focus on my life's ambition
of taking pictures of Madison County.Copy !req
270. - Let's go back and take a bath.
- How about you go back and take a bath?Copy !req
271. - Have you filed those reports yet?
- Angela, come here. Check this out.Copy !req
272. Look at what this chick is doing
to this polar bear. Wait. Wait. It's...Copy !req
273. Wait. Wait. Wait, it's coming up.Copy !req
274. There you are, Opie. Congratulations.
You made employee of the month again.Copy !req