1. It seems today that all you see
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2. Is violence in movies and sex on TV
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3. But where are those
good old-fashioned values
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4. On which we used to rely?
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5. Lucky there's a family guy
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6. Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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7. All the things that make us
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8. Laugh and cry
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9. He's a family guy!
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10. Oh, my! This place is enormous!
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11. Aw, man, they got these
little plastic disc guns.
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12. I haven't seen one of these
since Cleveland's wedding.
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13. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today
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14. to celebrate the joining
of these two young people...
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15. in the bonds of holy matrimony...
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16. consecrated before God Almighty.
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17. Hey, Stratego! I used to love this game.
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18. Oh, my God! Abe Vigoda?
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19. Go bother Steve Guttenberg.
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20. He's behind the Chinese checkers.
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21. Abe, shut up!
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22. Hey, look at me, Chris.
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23. I'm Yanni, sans the attitude.
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24. My God, that's amazing!
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25. - You are so talented!
- Huh?
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26. Wait a second.
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27. - Something's not right here.
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28. You were just making it look
like you were playing.
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29. You're a phony!
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30. Hey! This guy's a great big phony!
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31. Come on, Chris.
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32. Oh, there you are, Stewie.
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33. Hey, you're a great big phony,
you know that?
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34. Come on, Stewie.
Your mom and I have something for you.
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35. Oh, let me guess. You've picked out
yet another colorful box with a crank
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36. that I'm expected to turn and turn
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37. until, ooh, big shocker, a Jack pops out.
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38. And you laugh, and the kids laugh,
and the dog laughs,
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39. and I die a little inside.
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40. - Surprise, honey.
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41. A trikey!
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42. I think he likes it.
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43. When I stick this Army guy
with the sharp bayonet up my nose,
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44. it tickles my brain.
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45. Ow! Oh, now I don't know math.
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46. Give it to me! Give it to me now, damn it!
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47. - Not now, Stewie. When we get home.
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48. That's right. You're a big fat phony!
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49. What I'm about to show you
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50. is a fight scene from Star Trek,
season one, episode 18.
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51. And, as a bonus, I'm going to identify
when it's Shatner,
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52. and when it's his stunt double,
Fred Lubins. Let's watch.
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53. That's Shatner, of course. That's Lubins.
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54. That's Shatner. That's Lubins.
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55. That's Shatner. That's Lubins.
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56. Now, that's Shatner,
but when I freeze-frame,
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57. you can clearly see Lubins' coffee cup
sitting on that rock!
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58. He is the biggest dork on the planet!
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59. Oh, totally.
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60. And so, because of his
rough-and-tumble style of command,
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61. Captain Kirk is clearly superior
to Jean-Luc Picard.
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62. Any questions... Meg?
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63. No. Leave me alone!
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64. Thank you, Neil, for that incredibly
irrelevant presentation.
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65. We all know Captain Picard
is the superior officer.
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66. Ugh!
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67. Hey, everybody!
Mr. Lazenby's getting arrested!
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68. Well, what in God's name...
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69. Mr. Lazenby,
what the hell's going on here?
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70. Apparently, there's some law
against teaching the evolutionary theory
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71. that Gil Gerard used a time machine,
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72. went back, and ejaculated
into the primordial ooze.
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73. This stupid country.
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74. Hello, Tom Tucker,
live at James Woods High School
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75. with this sensational breaking story.
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76. A teacher caught molesting children...
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77. With crackpot theories.
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78. Full story at 11:00.
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79. And out.
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80. Oh, my God!
That's Tom Tucker from the news!
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81. Hey, kids, remember, Mr. T says,
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82. "I pity the fool who does drugs."
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83. - Better hurry up, Mr. Tucker.
- I'm coming.
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84. And reports indicate she has also consumed
a record amount of seamen.
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85. Well, that sounds
like one powerful hurricane, Diane.
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86. In other news, school board elections
took place last evening,
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87. and with six precincts reporting,
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88. candidate Fred Johnson leads
candidate Betsy Lebow
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89. by a substantial margin...
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90. Hi, Meg.
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91. You know how cute I think you are.
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92. A bit of turmoil
at the White House today,
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93. when President Bush stuck his finger
in an electrical socket...
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94. - Whoa!
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95. Yikes. Awkward.
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96. that's where leprechauns
hide their gold. More at 11:00.
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97. Hey, you know who lives in this house?
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98. A great big phony!
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99. That's right! A phony lives here!
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100. A big fat phony!
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101. I say, look at me.
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102. I feel like a regular grease monkey.
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103. Hey, remember that time
I had that Mustang?
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104. Oh, yeah, you took it
for a spin that time.
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105. Yeah, that was awesome!
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106. Then those chowder-heads on the corner,
they busted your stones.
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107. Hey, your sister say anything about me?
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108. Oh, my God! I'm missing the news!
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109. We all miss The News, Meg,
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110. but Huey Lewis needs time to create,
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111. and we have to learn to be patient.
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112. And, in entertainment,
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113. Mary Tyler Moore is 64-years-old today.
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114. - Really? 64?
- Yes.
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115. - Now, I thought she was dead.
- Nope. She's alive.
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116. Fantastic. And now, this.
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117. Are you an area high school student,
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118. interested in the glamorous world
of unpaid internships?
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119. If so, we'd like to invite you
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120. to try out for Channel Five's
Young Anchor Program.
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121. Oh, wow!
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122. You'll gain valuable experience,
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123. have a chance to work closely
with Tom and me,
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124. and best of all,
produce your own on-air report.
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125. So, call us now.
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126. Yeah!
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127. All right, question number one.
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128. Would you consider growing a mustache?
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129. I guess so.
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130. Question number two.
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131. Look at my mustache.
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132. Do you think it tickles women
when I kiss them?
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133. - I... I don't know.
- Wrong.
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134. The answer is
"Only slightly. Only slightly." Next.
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135. Oh, God, I can't hire any of these girls.
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136. They're all too pretty.
Their breasts are too perky.
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137. Perfect!
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138. Congratulations! You got the job.
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139. Oh, my God!
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140. Oh, oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
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141. This is beyond anything
I've ever dreamed of!
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142. You and your partner will start
first thing tomorrow after school.
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143. - Great! Who's my partner?
- Hey, there, hot stuff.
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144. Well, well.
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145. It appears the fates have conspired
in our favor, eh, Meg?
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146. Look, stay away from me, Neil.
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147. Just because we're working together
does not mean I have to like you.
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148. - Give it to me!
- What's that?
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149. Give it to me, Neil!
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150. Give it to me!
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151. Give it to me, Neil!
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152. Yeah, that'll work just fine.
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153. Ugh!
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154. Hey, look who's here, Diane.
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155. It's our bright-eyed young interns.
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156. Did you two remember
to wear your eager caps?
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157. I sure did, Mr. Tucker.
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158. Great! 'Cause you two are going
to have so much fun.
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159. Don't act any cheerier, Diane.
You'll give us all diabetes.
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160. - Bite me, Tom.
- Come on, kids.
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161. And here's where we produce
our in-studio celebrity interviews.
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162. I just did one with Dustin Hoffman.
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163. He's almost impossible to book,
but we got him.
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164. So, Dustin, it's been a while.
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165. I got to say, you look great.
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166. - Are you trying to seduce me...
Mr. Tucker?
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167. I am not trying
to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman.
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168. You really look great.
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169. Uh-oh. Twelve minutes to Wapner.
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170. Yes, I understand your hectic schedule.
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171. Well, Dustin, we really appreciate
you taking the time
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172. to be with us here in the studio.
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173. If there's anything
I can ever do for you...
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174. Bring me Peter Pan!
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175. I'll keep my eye out for him.
Thanks, Dustin.
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176. He's this tall.
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177. Uh, can you believe it?
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178. Our little Stewie learning to ride
his first tricycle.
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179. Yeah, this is going to be
even more exciting
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180. than when Brian taught me
about Christopher Columbus.
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181. Where are we going, Brian?
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182. Peter, we're going to visit the year 1492.
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183. That's when Columbus set sail
on his famous voyage to the New World.
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184. - We're on a ship.
- That's right.
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185. This is the Santa Maria,
one of three ships Columbus took
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186. to find a direct route to India.
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187. - Any sign of India yet, fellas?
- Nothing yet, Captain.
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188. India! But I thought
Columbus was going to America!
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189. On the contrary, Peter.
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190. Columbus discovered America
entirely by mistake!
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191. Wow!
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192. What the deuce do you think you're doing?
Back off, fat man.
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193. Hang on, Stewie.
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194. What the... Hey, hey, let go!
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195. Get your filthy paws off.
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196. Let go! Let go, I say! Let go!
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197. Don't let go!
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198. Oh, this is exhilarating!
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199. - Go, Stewie!
- Yay, Stewie!
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200. Here. I got to go check on dinner.
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201. You keep taping Stewie.
Don't miss a moment.
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202. I got it.
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203. Oh, look... It's dancing with me.
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204. It's like there's this
incredibly benevolent force
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205. that wants me to know
there's no reason to be afraid.
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206. Sometimes, there's so much beauty
in the world, it makes my heart burst.
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207. It's just some trash blowing in the wind!
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208. Do you have any idea how complicated
your circulatory system is?
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209. Hi, Mr. Tucker.
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210. I brought you some Rice Krispies treats,
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211. 'cause I remember you saying
you liked them once on the news.
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212. See, look, this one,
it's in the shape of a heart.
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213. I'm sorry, but there's a handsome man
in my spoon.
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214. You'll have to come back later.
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215. Oh, my God!
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216. Meg's in love with Tom Tucker!
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217. Try to move in on my woman,
will you, Tom Tucker?
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218. Well, no one crosses Neil Goldman
and gets away with it.
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219. I added a little something to your coffee
that I don't think you're gonna like.
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220. Here's your coffee, Mr. Tucker.
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221. What the hell is in this?
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222. Sweet 'N Low!
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223. That's for trying to steal my woman!
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224. Go back and bring it to me
with urine in it like I asked!
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225. Yes, sir.
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226. Nice bike.
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227. Oh, if that's not the understatement
of the century.
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228. It's cool.
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229. Too cool for you.
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230. Oh, no, no. No, no,
I think it's right where I'm at.
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231. - Out of my way!
- Oh, well, I see.
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232. Yes, yes, I suppose you do have to ride it
to truly appreciate its virtues.
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233. Well, then, I'll just wait right here
till you get back.
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234. Where the devil is he?
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235. You've obviously never met a bully.
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236. What the deuce do you mean "bully"?
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237. He wasn't taking it for a test ride.
He was just taking it.
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238. You... You mean...
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239. Mm-hmm.
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240. He... Stole... My... Trikey?
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241. You know, Mr. Tucker,
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242. has anyone ever told you your eyes are...
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243. Hang on a second, sweetie.
I've gotta call Peter Jennings,
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244. and reschedule our golf game.
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245. This is Peter.
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246. - You know what to do.
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247. Mr. Tucker, Ms. Simmons!
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248. There's some nut on top of Town Hall
with a high-powered rifle!
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249. The gunman has been identified
as the notorious mass-media murderer
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250. who targets members of the press.
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251. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Mass media murderer?
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252. You know, I think
this would be a fine opportunity
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253. to give our interns
some real world experience.
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254. Hey, that means you'll get to ride
in the Action 5 News chopper.
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255. I'm so jealous!
Better put in for some new interns.
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256. Good luck.
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257. I've got Hugh Downs up here,
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258. and I'm going to splatter
his distinguished career
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259. all over the pavement.
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260. Hey, why me? Why the media?
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261. I've got my reasons.
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262. Dan Rather thinks he can just condense
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263. a whole day's worth of events
into a half hour.
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264. Oh, don't get me started on Rather,
that arrogant jerk.
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265. Really? You know him?
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266. I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody.
In fact, he's right down there.
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267. - Where?
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268. See you later, sucker!
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269. And, by the way,
Rather is an okay guy in small doses.
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270. Look how close we're getting, Meg.
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271. Hey, that was my lucky assassin hat!
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272. Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down!
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273. Oh, my God. We're going to die!
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274. There's so much of life
I haven't experienced.
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275. I never even got the chance
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276. to be some drunk college guy's
last resort.
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277. My years of expensive orthodontic work
will be a total waste!
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278. I never even had my first kiss!
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279. It's not too late, Meg.
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280. I'm here for you.
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281. Time to sign off.
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282. Remember me, dirtbag?
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283. Wow, you saved those kids' lives,
Mr. Downs.
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284. All in a day's work.
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285. Remember, if you ever need me,
just blow this whistle.
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286. Or call John Stossel's cell phone.
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287. Hugh Downs away!
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288. Oh, honey, thank God you're safe.
We were so worried.
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289. We now go to Junior Anchor Neil Goldman
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290. with exclusive Channel 5 footage
from today's exciting scene.
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291. Thank you, Diane.
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292. There may have been
some sort of commotion on the rooftop,
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293. but the real story
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294. was inside the mouths
of Meg Griffin and Neil Goldman,
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295. where a meeting of the tongues,
a summit of saliva,
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296. established a new world order of love.
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297. Let's watch it one more time
in super slo-mo.
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298. This is where we cease to be Meg and Neil
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299. and begin life anew as Meil.
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300. Oh, my God, he put it on TV.
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301. Oh, isn't that cute, Peter?
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302. Our daughter's first love.
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303. I just want to kill myself!
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304. I'm going upstairs right now
and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
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305. I'm allergic to peanuts.
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306. You don't know anything about me!
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307. Who was that guy?
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308. I say, Constable, I'd like to report
the theft of my tricycle.
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309. Oh, look at the little baby.
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310. Aren't you cute?
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311. Where's your mommy?
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312. How dare you condescend to me?
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313. I demand justice!
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314. I'm here to turn myself in.
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315. I have a dismembered Baltic hooker
bleeding through the tarp in my trunk.
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316. Oh, look at the little baby.
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317. Aren't you cute?
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318. Where's your mommy?
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319. Where did you get that shirt?
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320. Neil's giving them out.
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321. Hello, lover.
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322. Neil, what are you doing?
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323. I'm not your lover. I don't even like you.
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324. Meg, I strongly suggest you hold my hand,
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325. lest you look like a slut.
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326. Listen, you freak!
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327. Tell these people that there's nothing
going on between us.
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328. Oh, don't be afraid of the fire, Meg.
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329. I won't let you burn.
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330. Al, why haven't I leaped?
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331. Uh, Ziggy says you can't leap
until she loves you back.
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332. Don't worry. I'll get her.
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333. So, what were you wanting to work on?
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334. - Cardio, upper body, what?
- Upper body, definitely.
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335. I... I need to get buff,
so I can get my tricycle back.
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336. Well, luckily, we're running a special
right now for the next 17 minutes.
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337. Uh, okay, well, that's...
That's a little unusual,
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338. but, uh, okay, well, tell me.
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339. Okay, well, the normal plan
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340. is 78 months at $40 a month and $200 down.
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341. Watch this, forget the down,
are you watching?
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342. - Yeah, uh...
- Goodbye, $40 a month, let's do $35.
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343. Okay, $35, all right, now,
that's the cheapest?
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344. Yeah, hang on, hang on.
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345. Trace, can you bring me
some of those free gym bags?
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346. - Thanks.
- Gosh, you know, I... I, you know...
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347. I could probably just do
some push-ups at home.
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348. Well, let's start you off
with the complete body fat test.
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349. - Maybe a heart rate...
- You're actually not hearing me.
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350. I don't think this is for me.
Um, thanks, anyway.
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351. And, uh, for the future...
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352. You came on a little strong.
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353. What's going on here?
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354. Oh, we invited Neil's family over
for dinner.
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355. - Hi.
- Hello.
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356. You what?
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357. Yeah, we wanted
to get to know them better.
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358. Seeing as how the two of you
will, one day,
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359. bless our home with the pitter-patter
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360. of sweet little grandchildren
as ugly as sin.
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361. Meg, you never told me
your mother was such a stone-cold fox.
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362. Now I see where you get it.
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363. Meg, he's so charming.
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364. My name is Chris.
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365. I'm supposed to be
on my best behavior tonight,
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366. and not mention pooh.
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367. Oh, God, what have I done?
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368. Well... Let's eat.
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369. I think it's very, very nice
that our children had this wonderful kiss.
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370. I remember when Muriel and I
had our first kiss,
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371. and it was just awful.
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372. Oh, just awful.
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373. We were both very sick.
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374. Weren't we, dear?
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375. Oh, we were terribly sick.
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376. We were both 14, and it was winter,
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377. and we had terrible head colds.
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378. Yes, mine, especially, was very bad.
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379. I had terrible mucus
coming out from inside my nose,
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380. and the other children,
they were very nasty to me about that.
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381. They said bad, hurtful things to me.
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382. They called me Tastykakes,
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383. and they would beat me
and stick pine cones in my ass.
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384. Those were very bad times.
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385. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
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386. Thank you very much.
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387. Excuse me. I'm going to go throw up.
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388. Ah, please flush the toilet twice.
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389. Once for the bulk
and again for the remainder.
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390. Thank you. Oh, she's a dear.
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391. Hey, you're blocking my light,
you stupid baby.
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392. You know, my hooligan friend,
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393. I've been racking my brain
in a thus far fruitless attempt
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394. to resolve our recent unpleasantness.
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395. Then it dawned on me.
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396. Your cruelty merely stems
from some deep-seated inner pain.
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397. So, the obvious remedy
is a healthy dose of outer pain!
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398. Schoolchildren washing cars
to raise money for charity.
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399. Is there anything more arousing?
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400. Finally, we go to Meg Griffin
for a special Channel Five
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401. Junior Anchor segment on the moon. Meg?
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402. The moon.
There's a reason no one goes there.
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403. It's cold. And it's ugly.
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404. And its surface is plagued
with deep craters and jagged peaks.
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405. Oh, wait.
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406. That's not the moon.
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407. It's Neil Goldman's face.
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408. Recently, many of you saw me
kissing this freak of nature.
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409. But if I didn't think
I was seconds away from death,
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410. I would've never done it.
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411. I mean, who in their right mind would?
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412. Well, I went to the streets to find out.
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413. Would you kiss this guy?
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414. - Ugh, no.
- No way.
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415. - No.
- No.
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416. - No.
- No.
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417. Ugh! God, no.
What's the matter with you? Ugh!
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418. It's official. Neil Goldman is unkissable.
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419. Hear that, Neil?
I don't like you and I never will!
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420. Back to you, Tom.
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421. Thank you, Meg.
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422. I guess beggars can be choosers.
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423. And now this.
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424. Well, well, isn't this a darling picture?
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425. Let me go, man.
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426. Tell me, how old are you, Charlie?
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427. - Seven.
- Seven?
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428. Well, my, my, you're practically a lady.
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429. Ironic that your fate
is in the hands of an infant.
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430. Now, tell me where my tricycle is!
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431. I don't know. I lost it.
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432. - Ow!
- Very well.
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433. I have other ways of obtaining the truth.
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434. No! Don't!
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435. Stewie... Look what I found.
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436. My trikey!
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437. What's going on down here?
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438. Oh, we're playing house.
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439. That boy is all tied up.
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440. Roman Polanski's house.
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441. Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
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442. Our top story,
the President has been shot.
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443. Tragedy strikes the nation.
The President has been shot.
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444. What's the President doing in this casket?
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445. We'll tell you right after this.
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446. Hey, Meg, nice job
on that report last night.
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447. Wow, thanks, Mr. Tucker.
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448. That means so much, coming from someone
as handsome as yourself.
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449. Say, how'd you like to pick up
a handsome man's dry cleaning?
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450. Well, sure.
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451. But isn't that Neil's job?
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452. Little jerk
hasn't been in all day.
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453. He hasn't?
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454. We've got a breaking story!
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455. There's some geek on top of Town Hall
and he's about to jump.
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456. Oh, my God! Neil!
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457. Is it Neil?
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458. Huh, I've been calling him Ned all week.
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459. Oh, my God. Neil, please don't jump.
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460. I was just a piece of eye candy
that she turned into an all-day sucker.
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461. Mr. Tucker! Thank God, you're here.
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462. Someone's gotta do something.
He's gonna fall!
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463. I'm on it, Meg.
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464. Hey, have that cartoon sound effect guy
cue up the...
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465. And then top it off with a...
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466. And if there's time before commercial,
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467. be ready with a wah-wah-wah-wah.
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468. Oh, my God.
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469. You don't care about him at all, do you?
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470. All you care about
are your stupid ratings.
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471. You're a horrible man.
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472. - Neil, I'm sorry!
- Meg?
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473. - Uh-oh.
- There he goes!
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474. Good stuff, good stuff,
good stuff, good stuff!
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475. - Neil!
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476. Meg. You do care.
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477. Don't read too much into this, Neil.
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478. Well, it's hard not to,
when I'm lying right on top of you.
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479. Look, just because you're repulsive,
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480. and probably the most annoying person
on the planet,
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481. and I'm not the only person who thinks so,
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482. that doesn't mean I want you to go
and kill yourself.
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483. Ah, thanks, Meg.
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484. But I was never really planning to jump.
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485. Wasn't going to jump?
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486. You're a phony!
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487. Hey, everybody!
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488. This guy's a great big phony!
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