1. (SINGING)
It seems today that all you seeCopy !req
2. Is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
3. But where are those
good old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
4. On which we used to rely?Copy !req
5. Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
6. Lucky there's a man who
positively can doCopy !req
7. All the things that make usCopy !req
8. Laugh and cry!Copy !req
9. He's a family guy!Copy !req
10. Whoo-hoo! Baby!Copy !req
11. Twelve in a row!Copy !req
12. Wow, you must have had a great body,Copy !req
13. before it went all
fun-house mirror on you.Copy !req
14. I can't believe how terrific you look.Copy !req
15. Thanks. I've been taking
tae-jitsu classes.Copy !req
16. You should come with me sometime.Copy !req
17. I'd love to.Copy !req
18. Oh, the baby's kicking. Want to feel?Copy !req
19. Sure.Copy !req
20. Ow! Ow!Copy !req
21. - Oh! You are freakin' dead, kid.
- Peter!Copy !req
22. Oh, I love this time of year.Copy !req
23. Me, too.Copy !req
24. The summer tourists are gone,
and we finally have the town to ourselves,Copy !req
25. before those idiots from New York show up
to watch the leaves changeCopy !req
26. and take over the whole place.Copy !req
27. Leafers!Copy !req
28. Holy crap. We got to get out of here!Copy !req
29. - What about the boat?
- Leave it!Copy !req
30. Hurry, Peter.Copy !req
31. We're too late.Copy !req
32. Yo, Mattie, check out those colors...Copy !req
33. Yellow like a taxi,Copy !req
34. Orange like the ball at the Knicks' game,Copy !req
35. and red like the sauce
on my mama mia's goo-gots.Copy !req
36. Yeah, and brown like the guys
I don't pick up in my cab.Copy !req
37. Beautiful.Copy !req
38. Good evening.Copy !req
39. Tonight's top story, Quahog is infestedCopy !req
40. with loud hairy creatures
also know as New Yorkers.Copy !req
41. They migrate north every autumn
to see the foliage.Copy !req
42. I think I speak for all of usCopy !req
43. when I say that New York
and everyone from thereCopy !req
44. can fornicate themselves
with an iron stick.Copy !req
45. We're going to be late for Church.Copy !req
46. Move it! Damn Leafers.Copy !req
47. Chris, quit it.Copy !req
48. Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again.Copy !req
49. I can't help it.
I have these long dancer's legs.Copy !req
50. Move it!Copy !req
51. Meg, stop your whining.
Chris, stay on your own side.Copy !req
52. Lois, for God's sake, get off your ass
and do some parenting.Copy !req
53. If you kids don't knock it off,Copy !req
54. we're not going to McDonald's
after Church.Copy !req
55. Mom!Copy !req
56. Don't worry, we're going.Copy !req
57. But... But you don't get to super size.Copy !req
58. Okay, you can super size.
But no apple pie.Copy !req
59. Oh, come on.Copy !req
60. Okay, you get an apple pie,
but you can't blow on it.Copy !req
61. Peter, don't contradict me
in front of the kids.Copy !req
62. Lois, brothers and sisters fightingCopy !req
63. is as natural as a white man's dialogue
in a Spike Lee movie.Copy !req
64. Wussup? Can I get two slices of pepperoni?Copy !req
65. Who are all these people?Copy !req
66. Damn New Yorkers.
They took all the good seats.Copy !req
67. Aren't you precious?Copy !req
68. Some of my novelty itemsCopy !req
69. were provided by Jack's Joke Shop
of South Attleboro, Massachusetts.Copy !req
70. Remember, if it ain't funny,
it ain't worth jack.Copy !req
71. I'd like to welcome
all our out-of-town parishioners.Copy !req
72. My cousin, Father Sapienza,
is in from New York to see the leaves,Copy !req
73. and I'd like to invite him
to do the opening prayer.Copy !req
74. Yo, God is good, huh?Copy !req
75. And he expects us to be good,
and if you're not,Copy !req
76. He's going to come down
and bust your freakin' skull. Amen.Copy !req
77. Who do you think you're talking to?Copy !req
78. Your God ain't tougher than me.Copy !req
79. You can't talk to the Father like that,
you stupid gavone.Copy !req
80. I ought to come over there
and break your freakin' arm.Copy !req
81. You want to go, tough guy?Copy !req
82. I'll snap you in halfCopy !req
83. like an almond biscotti
from Belaro's on 51st Street.Copy !req
84. Best in the city.Copy !req
85. Fellas, this is God's house,Copy !req
86. and the Patriots kick off
in about 45 minutes.Copy !req
87. So could we move this along?Copy !req
88. Patriots suck!Copy !req
89. (GASPING) Blasphemy!Copy !req
90. It burns! Ah, gee!Copy !req
91. "Holy water"?Copy !req
92. Where's that acid I ordered?Copy !req
93. Hey, guido, watch this.Copy !req
94. Whoa! I've got to lay off the coffee.
Hot-cha-cha, cha-cha!Copy !req
95. That's Jack's, exit 14 off 295.Copy !req
96. Tae-jitsu is about power
for your body and your mind.Copy !req
97. Don't be afraid to free
the beast inside you.Copy !req
98. Left kick! Right kick!Copy !req
99. Punch combo! Stomp!Copy !req
100. Beautiful! Again!Copy !req
101. Left kick!Copy !req
102. Wow, you're doing great
for your first lesson.Copy !req
103. I'm really cutting loose,
just like Julie AndrewsCopy !req
104. in that movie
where she showed her breasts.Copy !req
105. Oh, Mary, you'll never leave us, will you?Copy !req
106. Yes, those are lovely,
but it doesn't quite answer our question.Copy !req
107. Jets rule!Copy !req
108. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
109. Hey, watch where you're going, will you?Copy !req
110. Hey, Horace, put the Pats game on the TV
and get me a few beers, huh?Copy !req
111. Sorry, Peter, someone stole
the remotes and the kegs,Copy !req
112. and I'm not sure,
but I think I've been shot.Copy !req
113. Yep.Copy !req
114. Hey, pal, watch my seat.Copy !req
115. I got to bleed the lizard.Copy !req
116. Public urination is just wrong,Copy !req
117. except during the Million Man MarchCopy !req
118. when protesters burned our port-a-potties.Copy !req
119. Then I used my stream of justice
to put out the hate.Copy !req
120. I don't know, fellas,
I think there's potential in this crowd.Copy !req
121. Hey, honey, why don't you turn around
and show me the lower east side?Copy !req
122. (IN A DEEP VOICE) Sure.Copy !req
123. Whoa! Transvestite! Back off!Copy !req
124. Wait a sec... Pre-op or post-op?Copy !req
125. Pre-op.Copy !req
126. Whoa! Transvestite! Back off!Copy !req
127. You're right, this place blows.Copy !req
128. We got to send these strap-hangers
back where they came from.Copy !req
129. Don't worry, I got an idea.Copy !req
130. An idea so smart, my head would explodeCopy !req
131. if I even begin to know
what I was talking about.Copy !req
132. I am a man-eating tree.Copy !req
133. Go back to New York or I will eat you,Copy !req
134. just like I ate insane
New York anchorman, Dan Rather.Copy !req
135. And look who I had for dessert...Copy !req
136. Asexual former mayor Ed Koch.Copy !req
137. Leave my land or I will smite you
with my powerful limb.Copy !req
138. What? Are you nuts?Copy !req
139. Give me that branch.Copy !req
140. Oh! Get off of me.Copy !req
141. Why, you...Copy !req
142. Oh, my God!Copy !req
143. - Stop fighting.
- (YELLING)Copy !req
144. Holy crap.Copy !req
145. Oh, my God.Copy !req
146. Mom, you could be a world champion,Copy !req
147. and no one could hit you below the belt,Copy !req
148. 'cause girls don't have anything
down there.Copy !req
149. Can you teach me to kick ass?Copy !req
150. Oh, no, I do not condone violence,Copy !req
151. and I am not going to be responsibleCopy !req
152. for bringing fist fighting
into our schools.Copy !req
153. Gee, Lois, can you hear me
all the way back there in the '50s?Copy !req
154. Oh, that was lame.Copy !req
155. Oh, poor Peter.Copy !req
156. I emasculated him
in front of all those people.Copy !req
157. I think he's really upset.Copy !req
158. Gather 'round, everybody.Copy !req
159. Ten bucks is all it takes.Copy !req
160. Step right up and fight my wife.Copy !req
161. Come one, come all.Copy !req
162. She floats like a butterfly
and stings like when I pee.Copy !req
163. Peter, I am not a sideshow attraction.Copy !req
164. At least not anymore.Copy !req
165. Me likey bouncey! Me likey bouncey!Copy !req
166. I want you to get rid
of all of this right now,Copy !req
167. 'cause I am never fighting again, ever.Copy !req
168. Come on, Chris,
we'll have to go to plan "B."Copy !req
169. Oh, no! Ah! Oh, God!Copy !req
170. Oh, my God! Help me!Copy !req
171. Help me, for God's sakes!Copy !req
172. He's going to kill me!Copy !req
173. Help!Copy !req
174. - (GASPS)
- Don't worry, it's a trained bear.Copy !req
175. He's in no real danger.Copy !req
176. Oh, he's teaching a class.Copy !req
177. I... I can't bother him now.Copy !req
178. Sure you can.Copy !req
179. Hey, hey, Ralph Macchio.Copy !req
180. My wife here needs to talk to you.Copy !req
181. There you go, honey.Copy !req
182. - What is it, Lois?
- I, uh...Copy !req
183. I don't think I should do
tae-jitsu anymore.Copy !req
184. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt someone.Copy !req
185. But, Lois, you're my star pupil.Copy !req
186. I want you in my advanced class.Copy !req
187. Advanced class? No, no, no.Copy !req
188. I'm trying to quit.Copy !req
189. Well, fine, quit.Copy !req
190. But get used to people
walking all over you.Copy !req
191. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on there.Copy !req
192. Nobody walks all over my wife,
'cause I won't let them.Copy !req
193. - Peter...
- Quiet, Lois, men are talking.Copy !req
194. She learns things eventually.
It just takes her longer.Copy !req
195. Come on, honey, we're out of here.Copy !req
196. If you hurry, I'll let you try on hats.Copy !req
197. I won't let you buy,
but you can try them on.Copy !req
198. I'll do it.Copy !req
199. Ow!Copy !req
200. Stewie, you want to swing?Copy !req
201. Yes, why not?Copy !req
202. I'll have a go at it.Copy !req
203. Perhaps a quick stretch first.Copy !req
204. - (CRACKING)
- Ooh, damn.Copy !req
205. Must have pulled something
playing hoops last week.Copy !req
206. I know you're not putting
that rock up from here.Copy !req
207. You ain't got no J.Copy !req
208. Yo, man, that's trippin'.Copy !req
209. Brother, please,
you're the one who's trippin'.Copy !req
210. Go on, cry home to your mama.Copy !req
211. She waitin' for ya.Copy !req
212. Now, don't make me put
my size 13s up your narrow ass!Copy !req
213. I don't sweat, you. Bring it on, bitch.Copy !req
214. Now, how you going to act?Copy !req
215. Geez, bringing that trash in here.Copy !req
216. This is my house.Copy !req
217. Excuse me, we were about to use that.Copy !req
218. You snooze, you lose, lady.Copy !req
219. You have two choices.Copy !req
220. Either my baby swings
from this jungle gym,Copy !req
221. or you do.Copy !req
222. Ooh, Lois, someone's wearing
their ovaries on the outside.Copy !req
223. She saw me walking to the swing.Copy !req
224. Yes, yes, she saw you. Easy, now.Copy !req
225. Nobody walks all over me.
Those days are over.Copy !req
226. - Lois Griffin demands respect.
- (STEWIE SCREAMS)Copy !req
227. Oh, I smell a messy diaper.Copy !req
228. God, why does that turn me on?Copy !req
229. - Hold it, Meg, those two are mine.
- What?Copy !req
230. That's Randy and that's Fred.Copy !req
231. Randy is the messy one.Copy !req
232. Fred's very neat.Copy !req
233. When you get them together,Copy !req
234. woohoo, hold on to your sides.Copy !req
235. Nice to meet you both.Copy !req
236. (GASPS) Murderer!Copy !req
237. Stop it! Both of you!Copy !req
238. Starting now, you two
are going to love each other.Copy !req
239. Now, stay that way.Copy !req
240. It's going to be weird to potty.Copy !req
241. Sheesh, Lois, look at the garbageCopy !req
242. those damn Leafers dumped on our lawn.Copy !req
243. New York Post, New York Magazine,Copy !req
244. The New York Mets.Copy !req
245. Peter, I'm sick and tired
of hearing you whine about the Leafers.Copy !req
246. Take some action. Free the beast!Copy !req
247. That was strangely arousing.Copy !req
248. Ow!Copy !req
249. Hello, 911?Copy !req
250. It's Quagmire.Copy !req
251. Yeah, yeah, it's in a window this time.Copy !req
252. Wow, look at them run.Copy !req
253. Wait a second, Brian.Copy !req
254. That gives me an idea.Copy !req
255. The Drunken Clam?Copy !req
256. Why couldn't we go someplace fancy,
like the Olive Garden?Copy !req
257. Oh, the breadsticks.Copy !req
258. Me likey breadsticks, me likey...Copy !req
259. You're a big girl now. Stop it.Copy !req
260. Hold... Hold on, Lois.Copy !req
261. Excuse me, New Yorker.Copy !req
262. I think you're in my seat and I had sex
with your mother last night.Copy !req
263. Peter, are you crazy?Copy !req
264. What did you say?Copy !req
265. About the seat
or about my plowing your father's wife?Copy !req
266. Hey, ooh!Copy !req
267. What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
268. Excuse me, is your refrigerator running?Copy !req
269. Because if it is,
it probably runs like you.Copy !req
270. Very homosexually.Copy !req
271. What?Copy !req
272. Oh? You want to dance?Copy !req
273. Jets suck, Yankees suck, Knicks suck.Copy !req
274. Krypton sucks.Copy !req
275. Hmm?Copy !req
276. That's right, go back
where you came from, you bastards.Copy !req
277. We'll conclude today's graduation ceremony
with a demonstration by the black belts.Copy !req
278. Okay, people, let's show 'em
what we've learned.Copy !req
279. Kathy, get in there with Lois.Copy !req
280. Uh... I can't. I have cramps.Copy !req
281. Why are you putting me
up against the scrubs, Jared?Copy !req
282. Why don't you be a man
and fight me yourself?Copy !req
283. Well, Lois, the sensei
is a sacred position.Copy !req
284. I could never violate the spiritual bond
of the student-master relationship.Copy !req
285. Oh, then allow me.Copy !req
286. Ooh.Copy !req
287. The bond is broken.Copy !req
288. Then spin the wheel, raggedy man.Copy !req
289. Go, Lois! Pummel him
with your powerful fists of female fury!Copy !req
290. And then, when he's weary,Copy !req
291. emasculate him
with your incessant nagging.Copy !req
292. Huh, women. Yakety-yak, yakety-yak-yak.Copy !req
293. You know, huh?Copy !req
294. Enjoy the fight.Copy !req
295. Hiyah!Copy !req
296. Lois, that was amazing.Copy !req
297. Congratula...Copy !req
298. This is mine.Copy !req
299. This is where my babies come from.Copy !req
300. And now back to the movie of the week...Copy !req
301. If this glacier goes slower
than one mile a year,Copy !req
302. we're all dead!Copy !req
303. Tell me something I don't know.
Get out of the way!Copy !req
304. Lois, I was watching that.Copy !req
305. Whatcha... Whatcha looking at?Copy !req
306. The underpants. Lose 'em.Copy !req
307. Uh, actually, I... I kinda...
I sorta have a headache, kinda.Copy !req
308. See, you know, maybe tomorrow or, uh...Copy !req
309. - Take 'em off.
- Yeah, oh... Okay, honey.Copy !req
310. Whoa. What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
311. Those are my graham crackers.Copy !req
312. Run along, Stewie.Copy !req
313. Daddy had a rough night.Copy !req
314. Why, you tottering fen-sucked dewberry.Copy !req
315. I'm going to go find something
to strike you with. Excuse me.Copy !req
316. Good morning.Copy !req
317. Peter, you look terrible. What happened?Copy !req
318. Last night, Lois was... The man.Copy !req
319. Good Lord.Copy !req
320. I just want you to know, Brian...Copy !req
321. I didn't cry.Copy !req
322. It's okay, it's okay.Copy !req
323. Oh, no. Peter!Copy !req
324. Stewie, what did you do?Copy !req
325. It looks like he freed the beast
all over the back of Peter's head.Copy !req
326. Oh, my God. This is my fault.Copy !req
327. This is my fault. I brought violence
into this house.Copy !req
328. I'm the worst mother in the world.Copy !req
329. Aha! I got it all on tape.Copy !req
330. Okay, um,
this is me interviewing Ed Sullivan.Copy !req
331. What's new, Ed?Copy !req
332. (IMITATING ED SULLIVAN) Well, Stewie,
tonight we have a really big show.Copy !req
333. Okay, okay, and now,
a word from our sponsors.Copy !req
334. It takes a very steady hand.
Don't touch the sides.Copy !req
335. - (IMITATES BUZZER)
- Butterfingers.Copy !req
336. I... I was making radio shows for fun.Copy !req
337. Everybody does it.Copy !req
338. At least, everybody I know.Copy !req
339. Shut up!Copy !req
340. Now, Stewart, I want you to take
this mommy doll and this daddy doll,Copy !req
341. and show me how they act together.Copy !req
342. Oh, yes, very well.Copy !req
343. All right, um...Copy !req
344. You see, Margaret,
after 20-odd years of marriage,Copy !req
345. your curious indiscretions
no longer faze me.Copy !req
346. (IN FALSETTO)
Really? And I suppose you thinkCopy !req
347. I enjoy hanging onto those
hammocky deposits of gin sugarsCopy !req
348. you call buttocks?Copy !req
349. What was that?
What did you just write there?Copy !req
350. Give me that.Copy !req
351. "Insecurity"? "Gender confusion"?Copy !req
352. I'll give you something to write about.Copy !req
353. Look at me. I'm insane.Copy !req
354. I'm Martin Lawrence on a bender.Copy !req
355. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin,
does Stewart have a history of aggression?Copy !req
356. No, no, hitting Peter
Is the first violent thing he's ever done.Copy !req
357. Well, technically,
the first act of violenceCopy !req
358. was that time bomb I left ticking
in your uterus before I came out.Copy !req
359. Happy 50th birthday, Lois.Copy !req
360. It's obvious that your son
is learning this behavior from someone.Copy !req
361. I, uh... I know who's responsible
for Stewie's behavior.Copy !req
362. But if I told you who it was,
Lois would beat the crap out of me.Copy !req
363. - Now, just a minute.
- (SCREAMS)Copy !req
364. The whole reason I started fighting
is because of you.Copy !req
365. I felt weak. You...
You never listen to me.Copy !req
366. You undermine me in front of the kids.Copy !req
367. And besides, you're not...
You're not exactlyCopy !req
368. Father of The Year yourself.Copy !req
369. Well, there seems to be a lot of anger
in your household.Copy !req
370. You owe it to your son
to learn how to manage these feelings.Copy !req
371. Manage what?Copy !req
372. I know I went a little overboard
with my tae-jitsu,Copy !req
373. but from now on, we're not going to have
any more anger in this house, okay?Copy !req
374. Then tell Chris to quit drawing
pictures of me with a pig's body.Copy !req
375. - Don't censor me!
- No more anger!Copy !req
376. Okay.Copy !req
377. The psychologist wants us
to try an exercise called role reversal,Copy !req
378. where we pretend to be
the person who makes us angry.Copy !req
379. I'll go first.Copy !req
380. (IMITATING PETER)
Don't listen to your mother, kids.Copy !req
381. She's worthless and dumb and ignore her,Copy !req
382. and only listen to me, Peter.Copy !req
383. I'm Lois, I brake for yard sales,Copy !req
384. but I don't let Peter buy
anything he likes,Copy !req
385. like that Narraganset beer sign
where the hot chick has two mugs for jugs.Copy !req
386. It was eight freakin' dollars,
and we have a dozen places to put it!Copy !req
387. Ooh, ooh, me next, me next.Copy !req
388. I'm the dog.Copy !req
389. I'm well-read and have
a diverse stock portfolio,Copy !req
390. but I'm not above eating grass clippings
and regurgitating themCopy !req
391. on the small braided rug near the door.Copy !req
392. I'm a pompous little Antichrist,Copy !req
393. who will probably abandon my plans
for world dominationCopy !req
394. when I grow up and fall in love
with a rough trick named Jim.Copy !req
395. Whoa, whoa, Peter, calm down.Copy !req
396. I'm sick of Lois'
anger management techniques.Copy !req
397. They're not working.Copy !req
398. What about the writing angry letters
and not sending them exercise?Copy !req
399. Oh, geez, I wasn't supposed to send those?Copy !req
400. Hey, look, I got a letter from dad.Copy !req
401. "Dear Meg,
for the first four years of your life,Copy !req
402. "I thought you were a house cat."Copy !req
403. Dad!Copy !req
404. "Dear Stewie, get out."Copy !req
405. Oh, that's nice.Copy !req
406. Mine just says "Dear Lois."Copy !req
407. And after that, it looks
like someone just spit on the paper.Copy !req
408. You got something to say to me?Copy !req
409. Yeah, "PS..."Copy !req
410. Oh, oh, hold on a sec.Copy !req
411. Hold on, hold on, relax. Everybody, relax.Copy !req
412. All right, look, I was hoping
it wouldn't come to this,Copy !req
413. but we need to get our anger under control
before we kill each other.Copy !req
414. Now, my psychiatrist gave me these pills.Copy !req
415. They're mood elevators.Copy !req
416. I think they could help, uh...
Even us out.Copy !req
417. We're not taking pills. It's not natural.Copy !req
418. Neither is bleaching the hair
on your upper lip, Martin Mull.Copy !req
419. Give us the pills.Copy !req
420. (SINGING)
Hey, oh, Mother Africa!Copy !req
421. Ah, that was fun.Copy !req
422. What country should we do next?Copy !req
423. Monaco.Copy !req
424. Oh, wait, that's a principality.Copy !req
425. You guys want to hear
something really funny?Copy !req
426. Those pills I gave you
were placebos, sugar pills.Copy !req
427. Wait a minute. Are you telling meCopy !req
428. I just sang Ladysmith Black Mambazo
for nothing?Copy !req
429. Did it kill you to be multicultural
for a minute?Copy !req
430. I... I died a little inside, yes.
You happy now?Copy !req
431. Don't you use
that tone of voice, you... You...Copy !req
432. What were you going to say, fat ass?Copy !req
433. - Wide load?
- Dough boy?Copy !req
434. Country virtuoso Roy Clark?Copy !req
435. How about all of the above?Copy !req
436. How's this for a name...
Ms. Pony express is in.Copy !req
437. What do you got for me, Joe?Copy !req
438. Oh, let me see here.
Uh, it's here somewhere.Copy !req
439. Uh, yeah, here we are.Copy !req
440. A big bag of liver spots for Lois.Copy !req
441. You... You just hit me.Copy !req
442. That's right.Copy !req
443. You can't hit me.Copy !req
444. I'm a girl.Copy !req
445. Sometimes I wonder.Copy !req
446. Kicking, Lois?Copy !req
447. Huh. Hurts, doesn't it?Copy !req
448. You tell me.Copy !req
449. Ow! Ow! Ow!Copy !req
450. Ow! Oh!Copy !req
451. Go, dad!Copy !req
452. Kick her ass!Copy !req
453. Shut up, this is all dad's fault.Copy !req
454. I don't like to be touched!Copy !req
455. Ow! Ow!Copy !req
456. Ooh! Ow! Ow!Copy !req
457. Man, I'm glad we got that
out of our systems.Copy !req
458. I wonder what came over us?Copy !req
459. Maybe people are just naturally violent.Copy !req
460. I don't believe that.Copy !req
461. I think it's all the TV we watch.Copy !req
462. There's so much violence.Copy !req
463. Yeah, TV is dangerous.Copy !req
464. Why the hell doesn't
the government step in,Copy !req
465. and tell us what we can and can't watch?Copy !req
466. And shame on the network
that puts this junk on the air.Copy !req
467. Uh, Peter. Peter, maybe you shouldn't
say anything bad about the network.Copy !req
468. Why, what are they going to do,
cut our budget?Copy !req
469. (SCOFFS) I'm going to go get a beer.Copy !req