1. A tragic accident today
in the North Providence area.
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2. A family of four
lost their lives
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3. when their minivan swerved off
the road and into a ravine
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4. exploding on impact.
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5. Do you find
this funny, Tom?
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6. Oh, no, no, no.
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7. I was remembering I accidentally
put my shirt on
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8. inside out this morning.
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9. It's fine now, though.
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10. S-so wh-what were you saying
about a f-fashion show?
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11. Chris, turn the TV off.
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12. We got to find an anniversary
gift for Mom and Dad.
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13. Don't look!
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14. We're shopping,
we're shopping!
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15. Oh, kids, you don't need to do
anything special
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16. for our anniversary,
just your father.
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17. I hope he doesn't wait
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18. and get your gift
at the last minute again.
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19. My goodness, a human thumb.
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20. Where did you ever
find this?
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21. It was on E-bay...
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22. Oh, God, call
an ambulance!
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23. This year, instead of
exchanging gifts
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24. I told him it'd be nice
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25. if we could just spend
a romantic day together.
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26. Oh, dear, I think we all know
what that means...
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27. Boy-yoy-yoy yoy-yoy-ying!
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28. Gross.
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29. Hey, fellas, guess what.
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30. I got us a tee time tomorrow at
Barrington Country Club.
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31. Barrington, wow.
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32. I'm in.
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33. Uh, Peter, tomorrow's
your anniversary.
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34. Ah, crap.
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35. If Lois finds out
I'm ditching her to play golf
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36. she'll hit me
with a frying pan.
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37. Which is why I'm going to drink
this frying pan antidote.
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38. All right, hit me
with this.
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39. Didn't work.
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40. What the hell?
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41. "Lois, it's an anniversary
scavenger hunt.
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42. Your first clue is at the
Quahog Mini-mart. Love, Peter."
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43. Oh, how fun!
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44. All right, gentlemen,
before you tee off
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45. here are your complimentary
monogrammed bag towels
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46. a sleeve of balls
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47. and this mobile
ball cleaner.
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48. Clean as a whistle, sir!
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49. I'm not going to get short by
touching your spit, am I?
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50. You'd be the first, champ.
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51. Well, it's about time.
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52. Sorry, fellas, I'm not
going to be able to play.
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53. Loretta's mother
is in town
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54. and we have to go buy
new sheets for the dog bed.
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55. Cleveland!
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56. I mean the
pull-out sofa bed.
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57. Cleveland,
this is Barrington.
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58. You could be the first black guy
ever to play this course.
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59. People will be impressed.
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60. Hey, a black guy!
Ooh, fun!
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61. Come on, Cleveland.
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62. Maybe we should
play another time.
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63. Screw that.
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64. I busted my ass keeping Lois
busy so I could be here.
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65. Now let's grip it and rip it.
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66. The Fed is going to be
lowering rates
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67. so get your money out of T-bills
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68. and put it all into...
waffles, tasty waffles
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69. with lots of syrup.
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70. Waffles! Buy waffles!
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71. Waffles! Waffles!
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72. Okay, kids, keep your eyes
peeled for a clue.
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73. Now what Jughead
has done here—
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74. and it's really quite
ingenious, actually—
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75. is paint pupils on his eyelids
so he can sleep through class
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76. without Miss Grundy
being any the wiser.
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77. He's sleeping!
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78. Mom, I found
Dad's first clue.
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79. I can't believe your father
organized this.
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80. Usually, he can't even handle
simple tasks.
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81. Peter, why is there a diaper
in the lamp socket?
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82. Oh, Lois, he's done it again!
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83. Wait a minute.
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84. Ha!
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85. Peter, let's pack it in.
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86. There's too much
water out here.
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87. Yeah, let's hit
the bar, huh?
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88. Oh, come on, there's worse
things in life than rain...
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89. like, eh... like spiders.
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90. Oh, he's behind the door...
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91. Peter, he's bothering everyone.
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92. Say something.
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93. Say something.
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94. I'll kick his ass,
someone ought to kick his ass.
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95. Don't go in there!
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96. Peter...
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97. All right,
give me a Kleenex.
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98. I knew he was bad!
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99. I knew... ahhhh!
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100. Out of me way, they're after
me Lucky Charms!
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101. I paid him ten bucks
to say it.
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102. Classic.
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103. We'll be in the clubhouse.
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104. Go on, run away.
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105. More golf course
for me.
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106. That was close.
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107. Huh, that looks dangerous.
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108. Somebody's going to get hurt.
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109. Ah, it'll be fine.
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110. You again?
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111. Oh, Death, please
don't take me now!
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112. Relax, you're not dying.
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113. You're just having
a near-death experience.
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114. Oh, thank God.
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115. Oh, yeah, thank God.
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116. Thank God I get to hang out
with a fascinating gent like yourself.
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117. So wh-when am I
going to die?
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118. About two years after
your wife divorces you.
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119. What the hell
are you talking about?
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120. Lois'd never leave me.
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121. She's been crazy about me
since the night we met.
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122. Oh, my God, that's me.
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123. Look how thin
I was!
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124. My, this is certainly
a beautiful night.
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125. I love looking at stars.
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126. Say no more.
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127. Peter, wait.
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128. "Very interesting...
but stupid!"
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129. Oh, my God,
I love Arte Johnson!
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130. Then why don't you give him
a kiss, heh?
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131. Oh, Peter, get
away from me!
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132. Come on, come on.
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133. Stop it, stop it.
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134. Oh, my God!
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135. Oh, Peter, I hear music.
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136. Yeah, me, too.
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137. From now on,
this'll be our song.
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138. I've never met a guy like you.
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139. You're so full of life.
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140. It's like I can really be myself
with you.
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141. I'm so happy.
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142. Ah, man, she was
beautiful.
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143. You know, this looks
awfully familiar...
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144. Wait a second, I remember this.
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145. That's me.
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146. Look at all
that hair.
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147. I can't believe I thought
that looked good.
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148. I must've been high.
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149. I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt.
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150. I love you, Peter Griffin.
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151. Look at that, huh, huh?
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152. There's no way
she's going to leave me.
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153. Now put me back in
my freakin' body, all right?
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154. I can't put you back
until you have a revelation.
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155. You know, one of those things
that changes your life.
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156. Oh, to hell with this,
I'm going home.
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157. What are you doing?
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158. You can't get
in that way.
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159. I'm sure as hell not
going in the back door.
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160. Oh, crap, I don't have time
for this.
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161. Listen,
I'm late for an appointment.
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162. You don't want to follow
procedure, fine.
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163. Stay here in limbo.
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164. No, no, no, wait.
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165. I don't want to be in limbo.
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166. Okay, it says the next note
will be right under my nose.
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167. And they're off.
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168. And quick out in front
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169. Silver Dasher,
followed by My Nose.
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170. Aha! Hold my purse!
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171. What's Mom doing?
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172. I'll tell you
what she's doing.
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173. She's screwing up my 6-2
quinella, damn it!
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174. My Nose out in front,
followed by Sea Biscuit
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175. followed by Some Crazy Lady
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176. followed by
Middle-Aged Housewife
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177. followed by Wait A Minute,
Who's That?
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178. followed by Silver Dasher.
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179. And now it appears there's
a woman chasing the dogs!
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180. Let's go, kids!
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181. Lucky, tell the boys in
Kansas City the bet's off.
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182. Too late, Stewie.
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183. The fix is in and the noodles
are boiling in the pot—
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184. boiling, I tell you.
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185. Wait a minute, I got it, I got
it, I figured out my revelation.
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186. Uh, God loves
a working man.
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187. No!
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188. The Shadow is, in reality
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189. Lamont Cranston,
wealthy young man-about-town.
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190. No!
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191. Crap, I'm late;
I'm in big, big trouble.
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192. Geez, you're pretty shook up
about that appointment of yours.
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193. You're Death,
what are you afraid of?
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194. Where the hell
have you been?
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195. When I said lunch, I said noon,
not noon-ish.
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196. Sorry, Ma...
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197. Sorry!
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198. Is sorry going to
reheat the casserole?
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199. So who's your friend?
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200. It's a work thing, Ma,
near-death experience.
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201. Where are you going?
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202. I got to take a leak.
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203. Don't forget to zip up
your fly.
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204. If you don't zip up your fly,
a seagull will get you.
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205. God, she's a pain in the ass,
I wish Dad was still dead.
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206. Lois's dad was a pain in the ass
when I met him.
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207. Hi. Can I take my tie off yet?
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208. Oh, Peter,
you look so wonderful.
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209. You aren't nervous about
meeting Daddy, are you?
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210. Oh, you'll know
when I'm nervous.
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211. Lois!
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212. Now!
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213. Lois, take the
rap for this.
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214. I only get one chance
to make a first impression.
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215. Hi, Daddy, that was me,
and this is Peter.
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216. Hey, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
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217. What are you feeding
this gal?
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218. Peter Griffin. Can I take
this freakin' tie off?
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219. It's a pleasure, Peter.
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220. My daughter is quite taken
with you.
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221. And I'm taken with her.
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222. I mean, look at her.
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223. Show us front and
back there, Lois.
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224. And don't think I don't know
where that comes from.
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225. That's some world-class juice
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226. you got brewing in the old flesh
balloon down there, Carter?
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227. I'm going to get my purse.
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228. All right.
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229. Based on what you've seen
with your wife
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230. what can we expect
in terms of droopage here?
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231. Are we talking a slight slope
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232. or the full-blown
fried eggs
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233. hanging on a nail thing?
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234. Peter, what do you think of
this bronze statue?
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235. It's nice.
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236. It's early Etruscan.
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237. Oh, get out of here!
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238. No, seriously.
Oh, that's great.
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239. Hey, look, a manatee.
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240. We can use it for soup.
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241. Ensign Glen Quagmire;
welcome aboard.
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242. You picked a great day
to get rescued.
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243. We were just about to sing
a song about mopping.
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244. Could you tell me when you're
leaving to go back in time?
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245. I was talking to a robe on
the coat rack for 20 minutes
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246. before I realized
you weren't in it.
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247. Ahh, for God's sake,
leave me alone, I'm working.
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248. Don't yell at your mother.
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249. If you yell at your mother
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250. a hen will lay eggs
in your tummy.
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251. Wow, brilliantly choreographed.
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252. That's your tax
dollars at work.
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253. Why don't you join us
and see the world?
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254. Sorry, pal, I've seen
the world, and its name is Lois.
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255. How romantic.
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256. Why can't you find a nice girl?
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257. Ma, she's going
to dump him.
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258. Well, at least he got that far.
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259. You know who he took to
the prom— his cousin!
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260. That's weak.
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261. Yeah.
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262. All right, that's it,
I'm sick of both of you.
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263. Come on, Peter.
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264. Death, put your jacket on
or you'll get frostbite.
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265. I don't have skin.
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266. That's 'cause you didn't
eat your beans.
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267. Come on, come on, get back
in your big, fat body.
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268. Why should I help some guy
save his marriage
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269. when I can't even
get a girl?
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270. What are you saying?
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271. The revelation, jackass.
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272. It could've helped you
save your marriage.
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273. Oops, but too late.
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274. Oh, and, uh, by the way,
when the lightning hit you
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275. you soiled yourself.
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276. Enjoy.
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277. I can't lose Lois.
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278. I'll do anything.
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279. What if I helped you get a girl?
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280. Y-you think you
could do that?
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281. Sure, all we got to do is get
you a little fixed up, you know.
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282. Get your hair cut,
give you a good, clean...
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283. shave, maybe some cologne, the
chicks will be all over you.
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284. Gee, y-you really think so?
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285. Absolutely.
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286. You got any SPF-50?
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287. I bleach like
a gym sock.
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288. What? Death,
will you relax?
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289. I told you the beach is the perfect place
to pick up chicks.
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290. I want you
to go over there
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291. and ask those girls
if you can play.
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292. Uh... hey!
Can I join you?
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293. I guess.
What's your name?
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294. Josh.
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295. Do you, like, live
around here?
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296. No. I, uh...
I live with my mom.
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297. Let's get
out of here.
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298. See you, Josh.
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299. Tell your mom
we said hi.
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300. Heads up!
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301. How do we get
up there?
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302. Dad put grease on the pole.
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303. Don't worry, Meg.
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304. We've been studying fulcrums
in school.
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305. You simply have
to counterbalance the weight
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306. at the point
where the lever pivots.
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307. Like so.
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308. Stewie, honey, you want
to play rocket ship?
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309. - What the deuce?
- Blast off!
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310. Go on, Stewie.
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311. Get the note
for Mommy.
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312. How dare you use me for your own
personal, selfish...
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313. Hmm... Whoo. Pull slower.
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314. I must remember to do this again
when no one's around.
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315. What the hell
was I thinking?
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316. You don't know anything
about picking up chicks.
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317. Are you kidding?
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318. I learned from the best.
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319. Come on, buddy. We're about
to anchor in Jamaica.
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320. Aw, Craig, we're getting closer
to Rhode Island.
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321. Rhode Island? Forget that.
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322. I'm taking off
for some shore leave.
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323. Does this look like
a "q" to you?
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324. - No.
- How about now?
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325. Sorry, Quagmire.
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326. Your crotch just looks like
Lois to me.
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327. Well, let's ask her, then.
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328. Hey, Lois, should Peter
sit around and mope all night?
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329. Or should Peter go out
with his buddy
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330. and have some fun?
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331. Huh, huh. All right.
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332. Okay. That one's
a feminist type—
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333. she's into he-man—
and that one's mad for jazz.
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334. Watch this.
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335. The plight of women in this
hemisphere is deplorable.
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336. I can bench-press 800 pounds.
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337. You, me and Coltrane till dawn.
Giga-giga-gigadi!
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338. Huh. There you go, Peter.
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339. One for you, two for me.
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340. You guys go on without me.
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341. So why didn't you go
with them?
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342. You don't know what it's like
when you're in love.
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343. Oh, yeah?
Her name's Amy.
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344. She works
at a pet store.
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345. I met her last summer
when her dad hung himself.
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346. But I was too shy
to ask her out.
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347. Aah, what's with
that mustache?
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348. Huh? Let me see that.
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349. Sorry. That's
Edward James Olmos.
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350. Here. This is her.
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351. Ah, nice ass.
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352. Oh, sorry. No, no.
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353. That's
Edward James Olmos's ass.
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354. I guess I don't have
a photo of her
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355. but trust me, she's cute.
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356. Well, let's go get her.
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357. I'm going to need that picture
of Olmos's ass back.
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358. Oh. Yeah, right.
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359. Mom, hurry!
I can't stand the smell.
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360. I found the note.
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361. "Go back to the Mini-mart"?
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362. Oh, this isn't very creative.
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363. Let's go, kids.
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364. Mom, you remember
that goldfish
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365. we flushed down
the toilet?
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366. He wasn't dead.
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367. There she is.
That's her.
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368. All right now, go on.
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369. Just like we practiced.
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370. Hey, you.
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371. Hi. I was, just, uh...
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372. uh... and, and, uh, I was just
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373. in the neighborhood and, uh
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374. so I thought that, uh...
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375. so, uh, you...
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376. uh, I'll, uh...
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377. This is a bad time.
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378. Maybe I'll just come back.
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379. Who am I kidding?
I'll never get he.
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380. Not with that attitude.
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381. Come on! Robert Reed
got Florence Henderson
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382. and he was one of them
toe-tappin' burgermeisters.
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383. You've got to find a way
to make it happen.
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384. So long, Peter.
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385. I hope you find your girl.
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386. Thanks, Quagmire.
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387. Hope you live next
door to me someday.
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388. Hey... hey! Does this
look like a "q" to you?
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389. How about now?
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390. So, where is it that you need
to go, my new honky friend?
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391. Rhode Island.
That's not to far, is it?
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392. Nothing's too far away from
Maxine the cheatin' queen.
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393. Women. That's not fair.
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394. I'm just speaking
out of hurt.
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395. That truck's coming up
on us awful fast.
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396. Holy crap!
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397. Do you see what I see?
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398. I'm afraid I do.
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399. We're being chased by ghosts!
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400. So you went through all this
trouble just to see a girl?
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401. I just did, and I'm
just a fat idiot.
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402. What's your excuse,
you big chicken?
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403. Chicken?
You take that back.
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404. And make me.
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405. I don't make monkeys—
I train them.
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406. Holy crap!
I'm sorry.
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407. Did that hurt?
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408. No. But this will!
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409. Ah! Ah! You bastard!
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410. What the hell is going on
out here?
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411. Um...
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412. Actually, I, uh...
I, uh...
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413. Actually, he wanted
to ask you something.
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414. Amy, you want to go somewhere
and grab a coffee?
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415. Sure. I get off at 2:00.
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416. Great. Uh, uh, Great.
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417. Uh, I'll meet you here.
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418. You did it!
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419. All right!
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420. Hey, who knows?
You might even, uh, you know?
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421. I'm not following you.
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422. - Intercourse.
- Ha.
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423. What are you
doing here?
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424. Loretta's mom
was hankering for a snack
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425. so we had to pick her up
some Kibbles 'n Bits.
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426. Cleveland!
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427. I mean Cheez-its.
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428. Did Peter give you
a clue for me?
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429. Peter? He's down at Barrington
with Brian and Quagmire.
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430. He's golfing?
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431. On our anniversary?
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432. Oh, boy. You just put
Peter in a doghouse
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433. which is where
your mother...
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434. Don't say it!
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435. Your mother smells.
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436. See? This is why I
hate clothes shopping.
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437. I have no ass.
I'm minus an ass.
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438. You're trying too hard, Death.
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439. She's not going to care
what you're wearing.
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440. She's just going to
be glad to see you.
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441. That's how it was with Lois.
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442. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
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443. Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
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444. What the hell
are you doing her?
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445. That's a long story
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446. with some
terrific performances
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447. and a wonderful scene
in a carnival
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448. but I'll cut to the ending.
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449. I want to marry Lois.
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450. Out of the question!
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451. Now, listen, Griffin,
I want you to take this
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452. and stay away from
my daughter forever.
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453. A million dollars!
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454. A million dollars.
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455. No deal.
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456. Lois may be worth
a million to you
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457. but to me, she's worthless.
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458. I love her, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
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459. Oh, Peter!
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460. Holy crap!
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461. Back then, I gave up a million
bucks just to be with Lois.
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462. Now I won't even miss
a lousy golf game
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463. to spend our anniversary
together.
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464. No wonder she's
going to dump me.
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465. Or... is she?
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466. Wait a minute.
That's my revelation.
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467. I got to pay more attention
to my wife!
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468. Eureka.
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469. Now come on back
to the golf course.
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470. I've got a date.
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471. Death, wait, wait, wait.
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472. Before we go, I need you
to do me one more favor.
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473. Peter...
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474. Peter Frampton!
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475. Oh, no! God, please, no!
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476. I'm too young to die.
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477. Are you sure you're not supposed
to be at Keith Richards's house?
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478. All right. If you want to live,
come with me
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479. and bring your guitar
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480. and bring that thing
you use to make it go:
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481. Hey!
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482. Hey!
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483. How could he lie to me
on our anniversary?
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484. Oh, Peter, our song!
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485. Happy anniversary, Lois!
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486. This is the most romantic gift
you've ever given me.
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487. How did you ever put
all of this together?
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488. Well, I had a little help
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489. from a very special friend.
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490. I like animals.
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491. Uh-huh.
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492. 'Cause they're
like people.
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493. Just little
furry people.
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494. Yeah. Uh, hey!
You ever go on the internet?
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495. They've got some cool stuff
there on that internet.
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496. Oh, yeah. I bought
these shoes
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497. from a company
on the internet
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498. because they don't
test on animals.
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499. Wow.
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500. You know, animals
never have wars.
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501. War is an invention
of mankind.
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502. What the hell
are you talking about?
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503. Animals fight all the time.
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504. Not with
nuclear arms.
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505. You can't hug your children
with nuclear arms.
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506. Check, please.
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