Family Guy 3x4

Directed by Dan Povenmire

Hugh Laurie as Bar Patron (voice) • Edward Asner as Steve Bellows (voice) • Alan Shearman as (voice) • Tara Strong as Eliza Pinchley / Maria Jimenez (voice) • Lori Alan as Diane Simmons (voice) • Lori Alan as Diane Simmons / Girl (voice)

When a hurricane strikes Quohog, everything is destroyed including The Drunken Clam, which is bought out by a Brit who turns it into an English pub. As it happens, pub owner Nigel Pinchley and his family move in next door to the Griffins, and Stewie tries to teach Nigel's Cockney-accented 3-year-old daughter how to speak proper English.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. It seems today that all you see

2. Is violence in movies and sex on TV

3. But where are those good old-fashioned values

4. On which we used to rely?

5. Lucky there's a family guy

6. Lucky there's a man who positively can do

7. All the things that make us

8. Laugh and cry!

9. He's a family guy!

10. - Here you go, boys. - Thanks, Horace.

11. So, I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory.

12. I'm gonna go places.

13. - Oh, that's cool.

14. - Here you go, boys. - Thanks, Horace.

15. So, I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory.

16. I'm gonna go places.

17. - Oh, that's fly.

18. - Here you go, boys. - Thanks, Horace.

19. So, I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory.

20. I'm gonna go places.

21. Oh, you are living La Vida Loca.

22. Well, it's late, I better head home.

23. What do you mean home? You guys live here.

24. Yeah. Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys.

25. Where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I.

26. Quagmire, you forgot to say, "Oh."

27. Oh, you sure. I... I think I did.

28. All right, well, just to be safe... Oh!

29. We interrupt this program

30. to bring you a special bulletin on the approach of Hurricane Norman.

31. Here with an update is Greg the Weathermime.

32. Okay, it's gonna be cold. Very cold.

33. And... And there's gonna be wind.

34. And people's parents will throw fecal matter down on them

35. from the rooftops. How awful!

36. Oh. No. I'm sorry. That's rain.

37. Yes. It'll rain.

38. Remember, the number one cause of injury

39. during a hurricane is broken glass.

40. So, stay away from the windows.

41. And Peter, put those away.

42. Aw, come on Lois. Just one more song.

43. Mom, I'm afraid if I fall asleep,

44. the hurricane's gonna sneak up on me and give me a vasectomy.

45. Relax, Chris. Nothing bad ever happens when you're asleep.

46. In fact, sometimes, good things can happen.

47. Oh, Jenny. Jenny...

48. Oh, yeah. Jenny, don't stop.

49. Oh, Richard Jeni, your HBO comedy specials

50. have brought pleasure to millions.

51. And what a sweet ass.

52. - Right this way, everyone. - Bless you for helping us, Father.

53. It's God's wish, my dear.

54. All right.

55. Well, Hurricane Norman is beginning to pound Quahog.

56. We now go live to Asian reporter, Tricia Takanawa,

57. for a look at how locals are dealing with the imminent disaster. Tricia?

58. Diane, I'm hearing...

59. Thank you, Tricia.

60. - Stay tuned for further...

61. - Oh, what a mess. - Look at that!

62. Wow!

63. For the love of God...

64. - Oh, my God! Daddy! - Oh, God.

65. Oh, God! Oh, God!

66. Gotcha!

67. See, kids? Natural disasters have their lighter sides, too.

68. You just have to be creative.

69. Yeah, like my dead-rat marionette theatre.

70. "I'm so stressed. Life sure is a human race. "

71. That's brilliant.

72. Oh, my. Look at all the damage.

73. Thank God, the Open Air Debris Garden is still intact.

74. Peter, look. The Clam.

75. - This is horrible. - You think this is horrible?

76. Try losin' a testicle in a knife fight with your mother.

77. What about your bar?

78. It's not my bar anymore.

79. I sold the place. Let someone else worry about hurricanes.

80. - Who'd buy a wrecked bar? - The bar's not wrecked.

81. Oh, thank you, God.

82. - Don't mention it.

83. - Wait a minute. Something's different.

84. Evening, gents. How about a nice warm lager?

85. - Help yourself to a packet of crisps. - Or a ruddy nice plum pudding.

86. Holy crap! It's a gay bar.

87. They turned the Drunken Clam into a British pub?

88. Oh, well, at least they still got sports on TV.

89. The new bowler for summerset is off-spinner, Heath,

90. who has a cover point, long-on,

91. square leg, deep extra cover and two short legs.

92. What the hell is he talkin' about?

93. Oh, it's cricket. Marvelous game, really.

94. You see, the bowler hurls the ball towards the batsman,

95. who tries to play away to fine leg.

96. He levels the score by dashing between the creases,

97. provided the wicketkeeper hasn't whipped his bails off, of course.

98. - Anybody get that? - The only British idiom I know

99. is that "fag" means "cigarette".

100. Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up.

101. Hey, guys, there's no more girlie magazines in the can!

102. All they got is this David Copperfield.

103. Wait, wait, wait. Any pictures of his girlfriend?

104. - No! No pictures at all.

105. I think we should go.

106. Yes. This is a dark and evil place.

107. - I say, Carruthers. - Hmm?

108. You know what's very, very funny?

109. A man dressed in women's clothing.

110. - Hmm. Yes, quite. Ripping good laugh. - Yes.

111. Lois, the Drunken Clam's been taken over

112. by a bunch of lousy, limey, tea-suckin' British bastards!

113. - Peter! - Hello. Nigel Pinchley here.

114. I was just introducing myself to your wife,

115. who, I must say, is an absolutely gorgeous bit of crumpet.

116. - Holy crap, you're one of them. - Peter.

117. Nigel and his daughter are our new neighbors.

118. Yes, and I'm afraid I'm the limey bastard who's purchased your bar.

119. Bit of an awkward moment, really.

120. Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment.

121. One time during sex, I called Lois "Frank."

122. - Your move, Sherlock. - Peter! Excuse us.

123. Why are you acting like this?

124. Nigel's charming. All British men are.

125. Yeah, right. That's what they said about Benjamin Disraeli.

126. You don't even know who I am.

127. The British are a lovely people. Not physically, of course, but inside.

128. And Nigel has a very sweet little daughter.

129. Aw! Look at the little baby!

130. Ugh! What the devil is that ghastly noise?

131. It's me. Eliza Pinchley.

132. You wanna flower, little baby?

133. Excuse me, what I think you mean to say is,

134. would I like a flower?

135. Heavens. You don't so much speak the language

136. as chew it and spit it out.

137. Go on. What's wrong with the way I talk?

138. Everything.

139. Here's a shiny sixpence if you keep your mouth shut and go away.

140. Eh.

141. Honey, I know the Drunken Clam was your bar,

142. but maybe you and your friends can find somewhere else to act like idiots.

143. Guess you're right.

144. You know why I married you, Lois?

145. It's not just the rack or the caboose.

146. It's that big sexy brain of yours.

147. All right. This place isn't bad.

148. Oh, yeah. Good music. Real sports on the tube.

149. I've never seen so many chicks in one place.

150. Hey, hey, check out those two hotties.

151. They're so lonely, they're practicin' kissin' each other.

152. I don't think they're practicing.

153. Oh... Oh!

154. Oh!

155. Oh.

156. So, you ladies ever been penetrated?

157. - Yup. - Yup.

158. - Yup. Mm-hmm.

159. Yeah, this sucks.

160. Nice choice for a hangout, Peter. There's not even anywhere to sit down!

161. - Is that some kinda crack? - What do you mean "crack"?

162. You saying I got a fat ass?

163. Fellas, fellas, what's become of us?

164. We never squabbled before we lost the Clam.

165. Yeah, you're right. It's those lousy fog breathers!

166. Damn British! First they took our bar, now they're taking our friendship.

167. What's next, apple pie, fast cars, and action films?

168. It was a glorious summer in Oxford

169. when I met Freddy Cavendish,

170. a most remarkable young man,

171. whose friendship would change my life forever.

172. You are the anchor that gives my spirit license to soar.

173. Our forefathers wouldn't have taken it on the chin like this.

174. You're damn right.

175. I say we fight the British,

176. and drive them back to whatever country they came from!

177. We gonna get 'em.

178. Stewie, look. It's an invitation to little Eliza's birthday party!

179. You mean that horrid girl who talks like a scullery maid?

180. I didn't realize she'd been born.

181. I assumed she'd simply congealed in a gutter somewhere.

182. I'm gonna RSVP right now!

183. Splendid.

184. An entire afternoon of her "ers," and "ars,"

185. and "'Alf a pound of ha'penny rice."

186. God, why can't the English teach their children how to speak?

187. Why don't you teach her? Unless you don't think you're up to it.

188. Yes, this is the part where I'm supposed to say, "Oh, I am so up to it."

189. Well, I am!

190. I accept your challenge! At the celebration of her birthday,

191. I shall pass that guttersnipe off as a lady!

192. What are the stakes of this wager?

193. Why don't you shut up for about a week?

194. Very well. And if I win?

195. Well, I... I wasn't betting. Why don't you just shut up for about a week?

196. You're on.

197. Minutemen, present arms! Load weapons!

198. Boom-shaka-laka-laka!

199. Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka-laka!

200. Fire!

201. I say! Throw the braggarts out!

202. Gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!

203. Don't tread on me!

204. Yeah, back off! We kicked your ass in World War II,

205. and we can do it again!

206. Very well, then. If you refuse to go peaceably,

207. I'm afraid we'll have to use our superior linguistic skills

208. to convince you to leave.

209. Oh, yeah? Just try it!

210. Bye, now. - Thanks.

211. - Sorry to bother you. - Gosh. I never saw it that way before.

212. Wait a minute. How the hell did they do that?

213. Well, we're not gonna let this stop us.

214. I've never been defeated, except once.

215. - Eric? - Peter!

216. Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since high school.

217. God! What are you doing these days?

218. - I'm the red guy. - Oh, my God.

219. - What are you doing? - I'm the green guy.

220. - No kidding? - Yeah. Yeah.

221. - Hey, is that Stacy Beechum? - Where?

222. Now, don't worry. These guys are trained to stay perfectly still.

223. Check it out. Hey, Margaret Thatcher...

224. Ow! What the hell? I thought you English guys never moved.

225. No. That's just our women.

226. Bloody hell! My lunch was in that hat!

227. Egg and chips with jam booties.

228. Welcome to the Quahog Beer Party!

229. I do feel a little guilty about pollutin'.

230. I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through.

231. Peter, what are you doing?

232. Hey, it may taste like a warm cup of tobacco chewers' spit,

233. but it's still beer, damn it.

234. Good point. Bottoms up!

235. Take that, you lousy Brits!

236. Peter, we waited up all night. Where were you?

237. Where was I? Where were you?

238. - Out drinking. But I was back by 2:00. - Oh, no!

239. Our top story, the Clam's Head Pub has burned to the ground.

240. Our own Tricia Takanawa is on the scene.

241. Is Quahog in the grip of a serial arsonist?

242. Police say no, but our producer says yes.

243. Here's an artist's depiction of what the arsonist might look like.

244. Anyone with information regarding this suspect

245. should contact Quahog police immediately.

246. One thing is certain, the pain here is palpable.

247. For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth II

248. gives poignant new meaning to the phrase,

249. "Hey, check out that flaming queen."

250. In a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect.

251. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria...

252. - Jimenez. - I know what it is.

253. Well, Tom, at this moment, we're approaching the suspect's house.

254. This is better than Cops. You know there's a fat drunk guy in there.

255. Hold it! Freeze!

256. - There he is.

257. Hands up, Griffin! You're coming with us.

258. Hang on, hang on, I want to see what they do with this jackass.

259. Hands up! - Oh, my God! Peter, you didn't!

260. Hey, fatty's wife is a babe!

261. - That's it.

262. Well, Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody,

263. thanks to an anonymous tip to the authorities.

264. Good. Good.

265. Oh, the fat guy's struggling.

266. Hit him, you stupid pigs, hit him. Use the...

267. This Quahog Minutemen flag was found at the wreckage of the Clam's Head.

268. You are clearly guilty of arson, so you are free to go...

269. straight to jail. Now you got burned. No bail.

270. - Peter, tell me you didn't do this. - Lois, I didn't do it.

271. You know you can trust me, right?

272. Come on, let's sit down and talk about this.

273. I want to believe you, but...

274. Gotcha! But seriously, you can trust me.

275. Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry this terrible tragedy has befallen you.

276. Thank you, Nigel. You're very kind.

277. - Can I touch your bum once? - What?

278. Now, I expect to see you at Eliza's birthday bash,

279. and I won't take no for an answer,

280. unless the question is, "Do you not like me?"

281. Get it? Double negative, you know? Very good.

282. Hey, check out the new meat!

283. I like the fat one. More cushion for the pushin'.

284. Thank you!

285. Hey, you and me are gonna have a good time together.

286. Gosh, everybody's so nice here.

287. I mean, they're gonna be disappointed when they find out I'm not gay, but wow!

288. Oh, my God. See that guy?

289. That's the most vicious killer I ever put away.

290. His name's Steve Bellows.

291. He's so mean, he once shot a man for snoring.

292. Where have I heard that before?

293. It's all here in this simulated leather-bound edition

294. of Time-Life's Killers of Quahog.

295. Wow. They're all here.

296. John the Biter, the Berserk Hobo, the Golden Autumn Day Strangler.

297. Maybe Steve won't remember you.

298. Well, well, Officer Swanson.

299. You and your friends are dead. You're all dead!

300. Oh, good.

301. He thinks we're zombies. He'll leave us alone.

302. No, no, no.

303. If you're ever going to be a lady, you must learn to speak like one.

304. Now, try it again. "The life of the wife is ended by the knife."

305. "The loif of the..."

306. No, no. Not "loif,"life!"Life!"

307. That's wha' I said! "Loif!"

308. Now, listen to me, you tin-eared piece of baggage,

309. we've got five days left, and I'll not lose my wager.

310. Now, repeat after me.

311. "Hello, Mother. Have you hidden my hatchet?"

312. "'Ello, Mother, 'ave you hidden my 'atchet?"

313. God, no! It's an "H" sound, you moron. H! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

314. - Ew, your breath smells like kitty litter. - I was curious!

315. Our husbands couldn't have done this.

316. Yeah. Cleveland can't even light the damn hibachi on the fourth of July.

317. Excuse me. Do you know where I can find Nigel Pinchley?

318. I'm from Quahog Insurance. I have a cheque for him.

319. Five million dollars?

320. Yeah, lucky fellow took out a huge policy the day before the fire.

321. Doesn't that strike you as a little suspicious?

322. No, not really. In fact, it seems to happen all the time.

323. - Oh, no. Here comes Steve! - I haven't forgot about you boys.

324. Saturday night at midnight. You're dead. All of you are dead.

325. Midnight on Saturday? Thank God! We can still be in the talent show.

326. From the top, boys. A-five, six, seven, eight.

327. Ugh!

328. Once again, here is how it should sound. "How do you do?"

329. And here's how you sound.

330. - Now try it again.

331. - How do you do? - What did you say?

332. "The life of the wife is ended by the knife. "

333. I think she's got it. I think she's got it!

334. The life of the wife is ended by the knife

335. By George, she's got it! By George, she's got it!

336. Now, what ends her wretched life?

337. The knife, the knife!

338. And where's that bloody knife?

339. In the wife, in the wife!

340. The life of the wife is ended by the knife

341. Bravo, Eliza!

342. The life of the wife is ended by the knife

343. Hello. So nice to see you.

344. There he is. All right. We need to search the house for evidence,

345. but one of us is gonna have to distract Nigel.

346. Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't.

347. What about Loretta? Nigel looks like he's down with the swirl.

348. There you are, Lois.

349. Shall I give you the grand tour, and show you my...

350. Private quarters?

351. - I'd love to. - I must say, you look absolutely...

352. Mm... Mm...

353. Oh, don't be shy, my lambie lamb.

354. This is my study, where I... Study things that arouse my interest.

355. Oh, good. The girls are in place.

356. Oh, Nigel. Since Peter's been gone, I've been searching for someone new.

357. You know, someone with a sense of danger and adventure.

358. I once played a game of cricket without shin guards.

359. Oh, I love a reckless man.

360. One time, I went up to this bloke's flat, rang the bell and ran like Sebastian Coe.

361. More! Tell me more!

362. I burned down my pub for the insurance money,

363. - and framed your husband. - Aha!

364. I knew it! And what's more, I have witnesses. Bonnie.

365. Loretta?

366. Demond Wilson from Sanford and Son? What are you doing here?

367. I know. I'm surprised I'm alive, too.

368. Sorry, love. Better luck next time.

369. Mr. Pinchley, I heard everything.

370. And what you've done is a textbook example of insurance... Fra-ud?

371. Oh, bloody hell.

372. What the devil were you doing in the closet, anyway?

373. I came with Demond.

374. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Eliza Pinchley.

375. Psst. You. Dogbert. Down here. Get a front-row seat for this one.

376. How kind of you all to come.

377. Oh, magnificent!

378. I say, old sport, why don't you pull your face from your own loins,

379. and bury it into some humble pie?

380. Oh, bloody 'ell! I've gone and wet meself.

381. Don't give me that smug look. Fine!

382. Well, you have extra-sensitive hearing. Hear this.

383. - I'm telling. - Hey... No! I said "vacuum!"

384. Hurry, Peter. Steve's gonna be here in five minutes.

385. Oh, crap. We're dead.

386. This is the end, boys.

387. Looks like our next stop is a corner booth in a bar in heaven.

388. Peter, Nigel confessed. You're free!

389. You hear that, guys? We're free!

390. Freedom!

391. Get ready to die! Oh.

392. Huh.

393. I wonder what this feels like.

394. Ow! That hurts!

395. My God, is that what I've been doin' to people? I belong here.

396. Ah, Horace, I never thought I'd see you or the Clam again.

397. Ah! Florida stunk.

398. Alligator mounted me when I wasn't lookin'.

399. Laid eggs in my lower intestine.

400. But you're all thirsty. I'll bore you another time.

401. Here's to our wives.

402. They may not be as hot as the women you see on TV,

403. or as entertaining.

404. But, um...

405. You know, I don't know where I'm goin' with this. But thanks, anyway.

406. I guess that lousy Nigel learned his lesson.

407. Whatever he gets is too good for him.

408. Dear Stewie, I want you to know that I blame my father's death

409. and my incarceration in this hellhole entirely on your awful mother.

410. If it takes the rest of my life,

411. I shall see that she suffers a slow and painful death. Eliza.

412. Excellent. Here, have a look.

413. Good. Good.