Family Guy 3x22

Directed by Dan Povenmire

Mary Scheer as (voice) • Ben Stein as Rabbi Goldberg (voice) • Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker / Obi-Wan Kenobi (voice) • Ed McMahon as Self (voice) • Peter Riegert as Max Weinstein (voice) • Ed McMahon as Ed McMahon (voice)

The day that Peter buys volcano insurance is the day that Lois becomes fed up with their constant money problems.

Request examples:

!req Family Guy 3x22 [02:32]
!req Family Guy 3x22 [Family Guy 3x22]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Family Guy 3x22 [10-11]; !req Family Guy 3x22 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. DAD, CAN YOU HELP ME WITH MY MATH?

2. MR. SHACKLEFORD SAYS IF I DON'T LEARN IT

3. I WON'T BE ABLE TO FUNCTION IN THE REAL WORLD.

4. OKAY, NOW, WHAT YOU GOT TO DO

5. AND YOU'RE GOING TO FIND TWO ROADS.

6. AND ONE PERPENDICULAR.

7. NOW, KEEP GOING

8. AT A 45-DEGREE ANGLE.

9. SOLVE FOR X.

10. MATH... HUH.

11. MATH, MY DEAR BOY

12. THE LESBIAN SISTER OF BIOLOGY.

13. HELLO, SIR.

14. THE FOREPLAY.

15. WHAT ARE YOU SELLING?

16. WELL, I WAS GOING TO TRY

17. BUT I CAN SEE

18. THE STORE.

19. GO ON.

20. SO, PERHAPS YOU'D BE INTERESTED

21. VOLCANO INSURANCE.

22. GO ON.

23. WHO'S A REAL WHIZ WITH VOLCANOES

24. A VOLCANO IS COMING THIS WAY.

25. HMM... I, TOO, HAVE AN UNCLE.

26. COME IN.

27. VOLCANO INSURANCE?

28. I-I DON'T KNOW.

29. UH, LET'S SAY $200.

30. $200? THAT'S MORE

31. HANDSOME CREAM.

32. I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY.

33. THAT JAR OF MONEY?

34. OH, WAIT

35. THAT'S LOIS'S RAINY-DAY FUND.

36. AH, COME ON.

37. IN RHODE ISLAND.

38. BUT— YEAH, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE

39. WE'VE NEVER HAD A VOLCANO EITHER.

40. WELL, DON'T YOU THINK WE'RE OVERDUE FOR ONE?

41. TOUCHE, SALESMAN.

42. OH! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

43. WATCHING YOU SLEEP, CUTIE-PIE.

44. WHY YOU SICK, SICK LITTLE MOO COW.

45. NO MORE!

46. STEWIE!

47. MY GLASSES!

48. I CAN'T SEE A THING WITHOUT MY GLASSES.

49. WHY WON'T YOU LET ME GET LASER SURGERY?

50. BECAUSE I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S SAFE.

51. OKAY, I JUST NEED TO MAKE

52. ALL DONE, MRS. WILSON.

53. LUKE, USE THE FORCE.

54. REALLY? 'CAUSE I WAS JUST GOING TO...

55. LUKE, USE THE FORCE.

56. OKAY.

57. ARE YOU HAPPY?

58. I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPY.

59. OH, DON'T WORRY, HONEY

60. WE'LL GET YOU A NEW PAIR TOMORROW.

61. YES, AND IN

62. HERE'S A LITTLE VISION TEST.

63. WHAT IS THIS?

64. A POOPIE OR TOBLERONE?

65. We now return

66. to Girlfriends on Lifetime.

67. Barry was over last night and he...

68. Don't tell me.

69. He left the toilet seat up.

70. Oh, I ran into Frank.

71. It's funny; he fought in Vietnam

72. he's an exorcist

73. but there is one thing that terrifies him...

74. Commitment.

75. Oh, Midge, you're my third best friend

76. in the whole world.

77. Third? Who are the first two?

78. Ben and Jerry.

79. Television for Idiots.

80. PETER, DID YOU

81. FROM THE FAMILY JAR?

82. WHO ME? YES ME.

83. COULDN'T BE. THEN WHO?

84. YEAH, I DID IT.

85. I BOUGHT US VOLCANO INSURANCE.

86. VOLCANO INSURANCE.

87. THAT'S RIDICULOUS!

88. THAT'S THE SAME THING YOU SAID

89. GETTING THAT CLOUD INSURANCE.

90. LOOK AT THEM UP THERE.

91. JUST PLOTTING... PICKING THEIR MOMENT.

92. SO, BILL, WE ATTACK TOMORROW.

93. YES. TOMORROW.

94. I MEAN IT THIS TIME.

95. I DO, TOO.

96. PETER, THAT WAS

97. PAIR OF GLASSES.

98. LOIS, NO ONE REALLY NEEDS GLASSES.

99. YOU WEAR GLASSES.

100. THAT'S ONLY TO FOOL THE MAN FROM THE DRAFT BOARD.

101. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SQUANDERED THAT MONEY.

102. I SWEAR, SOMETIMES I FEEL

103. LIKE I'M MARRIED TO A CHILD.

104. EXCEPT MILK, MILK,

105. AROUND THE CORNER, FUDGE IS MADE.

106. YOU BETTER WATCH WHO YOU'RE CALLING A CHILD, LOIS

107. BECAUSE IF I'M A CHILD

108. THAT MAKES YOU?

109. A PEDOPHILE. AND I'LL DAMNED IF I'M GOING TO STAND HERE

110. BY A PERVERT.

111. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, CLEVELAND?

112. I'M BAD WITH MONEY.

113. SHE'S GOT A POINT, PETER.

114. YOU'RE THE WHITE VERSION

115. OF A BLACK GUY WHO'S NOT GOOD WITH HIS MONEY.

116. HEY, GUYS AND DOLLS

117. DO-RE-ME!

118. WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?

119. THIS LOOT'S

120. IAN GREENSTEIN.

121. THAT REALLY PAID OFF.

122. IS TO EE-ER-EE-ER...

123. LET ME BUY THE DRINKS, QUAGMIRE.

124. BRING IN DA NOISE, BRING IN DA FUNK.

125. A LOT OF THE FUNK.

126. WAIT A SECOND.

127. ROSENBLATT? GREENSTEIN?

128. SO YOU'RE SAYING I NEED A JEWISH GUY TO HANDLE MY MONEY.

129. PETER, NOT EVERY JEWISH PERSON IS GOOD WITH MONEY.

130. WELL, YEAH, I GUESS

131. BUT WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT?

132. FOR SHOCK VALUE?

133. SHESH, CLEVELAND, THERE'S EDGY AND THERE'S OFFENSIVE.

134. GOOD DAY, SIR.

135. MOTHER, YOU KNOW

136. ASKING FOR MONEY, BUT...

137. MOTHER, PETER'S AN EXCELLENT PROVIDER.

138. NO, MOTHER,

139. I'D BE BETTER OFF MARRIED TO A CHIMP.

140. I DON'T CARE HOW WELL THAT CHIMP ACROSS THE STREET IS DOING.

141. REALLY? WELL, YEAH, OKAY

142. I SAID HI.

143. BUT DON'T MAKE ME SOUND DESPERATE.

144. OF MY VERY OWN.

145. HI. MY NAME'S MAX WEINSTEIN.

146. MY CAR JUST BROKE DOWN.

147. MAY I USE YOUR PHONE?

148. HEY!

149. I PRAYED FOR YOU,

150. AND HERE YOU ARE.

151. OKAY.

152. LISTEN, UH, THANKS FOR LETTING ME USE THE PHONE.

153. THANKS FOR SPACEBALLS.

154. YEAH, WELL, IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN EVER DO FOR YOU...

155. - YOU CAN'T LEAVE. - AAH!

156. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

157. FINANCIAL ADVICE.

158. FINANCIAL ADVICE?

159. I'M AN ACCOUNTANT?

160. HELLO? "MAX WEINSTEIN"?

161. LOOK, I'LL DO WHAT I CAN.

162. BUT I DON'T KNOW

163. I CAN GET YOUR MONEY BACK.

164. M-M-MAX, MAX, MAX.

165. LET'S NOT DENY OUR HERITAGES.

166. YOU'RE JEWISH; YOU'RE GOOD WITH MONEY.

167. I'M IRISH; I DRINK

168. IN MY PARADE.

169. MY MONEY BACK.

170. OH. IT'S YOU.

171. UM... I'M NOT IN RIGHT NOW.

172. PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE.

173. OH, MAN

174. I HATE THESE THINGS.

175. UH, YEAH, HI,

176. UH, I'M SORRY I MISSED YOU, UH...

177. PETER, PLAY WITH THIS.

178. LOOK, SIR, I HAVE REVIEWED

179. NO COVERAGE AT ALL.

180. "VOLCANO INSURANCE"

181. OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

182. "HE'S SIGNING IT, HE'S SIGNING IT

183. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT."

184. - SO? - SO, JUST REFUND THIS MAN'S MONEY

185. AND WE'LL BE ON OUR WAY.

186. I DON'T HAVE YOUR MONEY.

187. HOW ABOUT THAT MONEY?

188. NO WAY.

189. THAT'S LOIS' RAINY DAY FUND.

190. OH, DAMN IT.

191. So you couldn't date her

192. because she was a tickler.

193. A tickler.

194. And you're not a stickler for a tickler.

195. Not a stickler for a tickler.

196. Not a tickler stickler? Not a tickler stickler.

197. Tickler, stickler. Stickler, tickler.

198. WHERE THE HELL IS THE REMOTE?

199. HEY, HONEY, GUESS WHAT?

200. FOR MEG'S GLASSES.

201. REALLY?

202. OH, HONEY.

203. OH, HELLO.

204. FRIEND MAX WEINSTEIN.

205. HE'S JEWISH.

206. OH, MY, HOW EXOTIC.

207. THANK YOU?

208. SEE? HERE'S YOUR

209. OUR CHECKBOOK, TOO.

210. OUR CHECKBOOK?

211. YEP. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MAX?

212. HMM? OH, YEAH, SURE.

213. HE DID IT.

214. WELL, I'M GOING TO GO CALL

215. ACROSS THE STREET.

216. OH, LOOK HOW LOW I'VE SUNK.

217. A SMART JEWISH PERSON DID.

218. - OH, THAT'S OKAY, PETER. - NO, NO, NO.

219. FOR TOO DAMN LONG.

220. HAS PROPOGATED, EXACERBATED,

221. INSTIGATED... INSTIGATED... LINE.

222. LIKE A BUICK.

223. WHEN I AGREED TO THIS?

224. THIS IS SO DEGRADING. IT'S... THIS IS... WORSE

225. AT THE FRIAR'S CLUB

226. AND SOON-YI'S RETAINER FELL OUT OF MY PANTS.

227. LOIS, I APPRECIATE

228. BUT, I'M SORRY, I... I CAN'T EAT THIS.

229. OH, BECAUSE IT'S NOT KOSHER.

230. YEAH, LET'S GO WITH THAT.

231. ME BE EXCUSED?

232. HE'S GOING TO HELP ME WITH MY MATH HOMEWORK.

233. CHRIS, HE'S JUST A BABY.

234. OH, AND YOU'RE A REGULAR RHODES SCHOLAR?

235. AGAIN? HMM?

236. THE UNIVERSITY OF DUH?

237. YOUR HOMEWORK, SON.

238. OH, MY GOD, IS THERE NOTHING YOU PEOPLE CAN'T DO?

239. I MEAN, YOU KNOW, OTHER THAN MANUAL LABOR?

240. PETER, WHAT A RIDICULOUS THING TO SAY.

241. THEY BUILT THE PYRAMIDS.

242. YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE PETER.

243. TACTLESS SOMETIMES.

244. YES, LIKE THE TIME HE SOILED HIMSELF AT THAT DINNER PARTY?

245. YOUR FATHER PASSED AWAY.

246. YES, IT SPREAD

247. BUT HE'S AT PEACE NOW, AND A WHOLE...

248. UH-OH.

249. AHH... WELL, THERE'S

250. A GREAT DINNER LIKE THAT.

251. OPERATION.

252. - MAY I PLAY? - MOM?

253. - MOM? - MOM?

254. THANK YOU, BUT I CAN'T STAY.

255. IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT.

256. I'VE GOT TO GO TO TEMPLE.

257. TEMPLE? AH, LIKE INDIANA JONES?

258. PICK IT UP ALREADY?

259. LOOK, THEY'D

260. AND I'M PRETTY SURE IT ALL GOES TO THE SAME GOD.

261. PETER! MAX, IT WAS NICE OF YOU TO INVITE US ALONG.

262. YOUR HUSBAND'S GOT A GOOD HEART, LOIS

263. ARE A LITTLE MISGUIDED.

264. I'D CONSIDER IT A MITZVAH TO EDUCATE HIM A LITTLE.

265. NO, NO, NO. NO.

266. I DON'T THINK SO.

267. IDEOLOGICAL DIFFERENCES.

268. I'M JUST NOT A HAT PERSON.

269. HEY, LOOK. I DIDN'T KNOW

270. OF MEG'S SCHOOL WAS JEWISH.

271. HEY, THERE'S BILLY NYE THE SCIENCE GUY, AND HALF

272. OF LENNY KRAVITZ.

273. OPTIMUS PRIME?

274. HE'S JEWISH?

275. AW, JEEZ, MAX, I...

276. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.

277. I WENT TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL.

278. I'M NOT SURE THIS IS ALLOWED.

279. AW, WHAT THE HELL.

280. OH, DEAR.

281. SISTER MARY JOSEPH,

282. ENTERED A SYNAGOGUE.

283. LOCK 'N' LOAD, BRIDES OF CHRIST.

284. EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT.

285. HELLO.

286. OH, WE'RE NOT JEWISH.

287. HAVE SUCH LOVELY SERVICES.

288. OH, MY GOD, I DIDN'T MEAN "YOU PEOPLE."

289. I DIDN'T MEAN, "OH, MY GOD" EITHER.

290. I KNOW HE'S YOUR GOD, TOO.

291. I... SHH. SORRY.

292. AND ON THIS DAY, THE SABBATH WE GATHER HERE TO...

293. UH-OH!

294. THAT WAS SO NICE.

295. AND SUCH BEAUTIFUL SONGS.

296. YEAH, IT WAS JUST LIKE THAT OTHER JEWISH MUSICAL WE SAW.

297. A FIDDLER ON THE ROOF.

298. SOUNDS CRAZY, NO?

299. BUT HERE, IN OUR LITTLE VILLAGE OF ANATEVKA, YOU MIGHT SAY

300. EACH ONE OF US...

301. CARD!

302. CARD!

303. WELL, THERE'S MY CAB.

304. IT WAS NICE MEETING ALL OF YOU.

305. AW, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, BUDDY.

306. WAIT, MR. WEINSTEIN.

307. WITH MY HOMEWORK.

308. I'M SORRY, SON. I HAVE TO GO, BUT I'M...

309. I'M SURE YOU'LL DO JUST FINE.

310. I DON'T KNOW, MAX.

311. THE KID'S NOT EXACTLY AN HONOR-ROLL STUDENT.

312. WATCH.

313. HEY.

314. HE DID IT.

315. SEE?

316. PETER, YOU TOOK ME IN, FED ME DINNER

317. WITH ME.

318. YOU'RE A NICE FAMILY.

319. TO BE A REAL MENSCH.

320. YOU... OW! OW! DAD! DAD!

321. LOIS, I JUST

322. BECOMES A BIG SUCCESS.

323. THIS DOESN'T HAVE

324. WITH TONY ROBBINS.

325. OH, NO. I LEARNED MY LESSON.

326. THIS BOOK, PLEASE?

327. TONY ROBBINS HUNGRY.

328. NO, LOIS, I'M GOING TO MAKE CHRIS JEWISH.

329. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

330. HE THINKS IF CHRIS IS JEWISH, HE'LL BECOME SMART.

331. PETER, YOU CAN'T CONVERT SOMEONE

332. IT'LL HELP THEIR GRADES.

333. NOW, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD ABOUT THIS.

334. WHERE WE GOING?

335. SON, IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME AND MEG'S A GIRL

336. BUT FOR YOU, THE SKY'S THE LIMIT.

337. WE'RE GOING TO TAKE

338. AND TURN YOU JEWISH.

339. OKAY!

340. CHRIS, DUCK.

341. MR. GRIFFIN, I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND.

342. TO JOIN THE JEWISH FAITH?

343. I DON'T KNOW. HE'S BI-CURIOUS.

344. A SERIOUS COMMITMENT.

345. THIS SATURDAY.

346. A BAR MITZVAH. PERFECT.

347. HOW MUCH FOR ONE OF THOSE?

348. YOU CAN'T JUST BUY A BAR MITZVAH.

349. IT REQUIRES A LOT OF STUDY.

350. WELL, CAN'T WE SKIP THAT PART?

351. I MEAN, COME ON—

352. HE WOULDN'T NEED

353. IN THE FIRST PLACE, RIGHT?

354. RIGHT?

355. RIGHT?

356. DON'T WORRY, DAD.

357. I DON'T NEED A BAR MITZVAH.

358. I'M OKAY JUST THE WAY I...

359. OW, OW, OW!

360. NOW, WE GOT NO TIME TO LOSE.

361. THERE'S GOT TO BE SOME PLACE

362. IN ABOUT 20 MINUTES.

363. ALL RIGHT, DAD!

364. IN MY NEW GLASSES?

365. HOW SHALL I PUT THIS?

366. IN AN ATTIC SOMEWHERE, THERE'S A PORTRAIT OF YOU GETTING PRETTIER.

367. WOW. SOMEONE NEEDS A NAP.

368. AFTER LUNCH, IT'S STRAIGHT TO BED, STEWIE.

369. THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME MY WIT HAS GONE UNAPPRECIATED.

370. AND IN THE COMEDY COMPETITION,

371. THREE AND A HALF STARS.

372. RECEIVES FOUR STARS.

373. WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION— SINBAD!

374. STEWIE, ANY PARTING WORDS?

375. UM, YOU KNOW, I GOT BEAT, PURE AND SIMPLE.

376. YOU, YOU ARE A VERY FUNNY MAN.

377. AT THE MALL.

378. GOD, AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH?

379. WHERE'S YOUR FATHER AND CHRIS?

380. IT'S NOT LIKE THEM TO BE LATE FOR LUNCH.

381. I THINK THEY LEFT A NOTE.

382. BRIAN, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?

383. NOTHING.

384. I KNOW WHEN YOU'RE LYING TO ME, BRIAN.

385. NO, NO, I SWEAR.

386. MEG, TAKE STEWIE UPSTAIRS.

387. WHAT... WHAT ARE YOU, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

388. OH, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT, EITHER.

389. LAST CHANCE, BRIAN.

390. THEY'RE IN VEGAS

391. GETTING A QUICKIE BAR MITZVAH.

392. WHAT?

393. WELL, HEL-LOIS.

394. FOR POINTING.

395. QUICK, I NEED TO BORROW YOUR CAR.

396. I'VE GOT A BAR MITZVAH TO STOP.

397. ME GRAB MY KEYS.

398. AW, CHRIS,

399. YOU'LL BECOME A SMART, SUCCESSFUL JEWISH MAN.

400. IS A SOLEMN OCCASION.

401. AND BESIDES, THERE'LL

402. ON THE RIDE BACK.

403. AW, I GOT SO MANY OF 'EM, TOO.

404. I-I KNOW, I KNOW— SHH, SHH, SHH! BUT LATER...

405. CHRIS!

406. CHRIS!

407. STOP THIS TRAVESTY RIGHT NOW!

408. SO, BAR MITZVAHS ARE TRAVESTIES, HUH?

409. NO, MY SON GETTING BAR MITZVAHED IS A TRAVESTY.

410. HE'S DOING IT FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS.

411. WELL, LOOKIE HERE, HERSCHEL.

412. SELF-HATING JEWS.

413. WHO DOESN'T APPRECIATE HER OWN RICH HERITAGE.

414. COME ON, MORDECAI, LET'S GET HER!

415. I'M SORRY, LOIS.

416. JEWISH SO HE'D BE SMARTER.

417. WOULDN'T BE SORRY

418. SHE DIDN'T MARRY THE CHIMP NEXT DOOR.

419. OH, PETER...

420. DOESN'T MEAN HE'S ANY SMARTER.

421. CHRIS WILL DO JUST FINE.

422. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

423. IN HIM

424. IN YOU.

425. BESIDES, A PERSON'S RELIGION IS NO GUARANTEE OF SUCCESS.

426. I SEE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

427. THE JEWISH ARE JUST LIKE US.

428. NO BETTER, NO WORSE.

429. "ZO ZION, MIT GLICK."

430. WHAT?

431. I THINK WHAT HE'S

432. EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY.