Family Guy 3x22

Directed by Dan Povenmire

Mary Scheer as (voice) • Ben Stein as Rabbi Goldberg (voice) • Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker / Obi-Wan Kenobi (voice) • Ed McMahon as Self (voice) • Peter Riegert as Max Weinstein (voice) • Ed McMahon as Ed McMahon (voice)

The day that Peter buys volcano insurance is the day that Lois becomes fed up with their constant money problems.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. It seems todaythat all you see

2. Is violence in moviesand sex on TV

3. But where are those goodold-fashioned values

4. On which we used to rely?

5. Lucky there's a family guy

6. Lucky there's a man who positively can do

7. All the thingsthat make us

8. Laugh and cry!

9. He's a family guy!

10. Dad, can you help me with my math?

11. Mr. Shackleford says if I don't learn it,

12. I won't be able to function in the real world.

13. Okay, now, what you got to do is go down the road,

14. past the old Johnson place,

15. and you're going to find two roads.

16. One parallel and one perpendicular.

17. Now, keep going until you come to a highway

18. that bisects it at a 45-degree angle.

19. Solve for x.

20. Math... Huh.

21. Math, my dear boy,

22. is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.

23. Hello, sir.

24. Enough with the foreplay, sir.

25. Now what are you selling?

26. Well, I was going to try to sell you some handsome cream,

27. but I can see you already bought out the store.

28. Go on.

29. So, perhaps, you'd be interested in something

30. every homeowner cannot be without...

31. Volcano insurance.

32. Go on.

33. According to my uncle,

34. who's a real whiz with volcanoes,

35. a volcano is coming this way.

36. Hmm I, too, have an uncle.

37. Come in.

38. How much is this volcano insurance?

39. I... I don't know.

40. Uh, let's say $200.

41. $200? That's more than I spent on all that handsome cream.

42. I don't have that kind of money.

43. What about that jar of money?

44. No way, that's Lois's rainy-day fund.

45. Ah, come on.

46. It never rains in Rhode Island.

47. Well, yeah, but I'm pretty sure we've never had a volcano either.

48. Well, don't you think we're overdue for one?

49. Touche, salesman.

50. Oh! What the hell are you doing?

51. Watching you sleep, cutie-pie.

52. Why, you sick, sick little moo cow.

53. You shall watch no more!

54. - Stewie! - My glasses!

55. I can't see a thing without my glasses.

56. Why won't you let me get laser surgery?

57. Because I just don't think it's safe.

58. Okay, I just need to make a quick incision here,

59. and we should be all done, Mrs. Wilson.

60. Luke, use the force.

61. Really? 'Cause I was just going to...

62. You will use the force.

63. Okay.

64. Are you happy?

65. I've never been happy.

66. Oh, don't worry, honey, we'll get you a new pair tomorrow.

67. Yes, and in the meantime, here's a little vision test.

68. What is this? A poopie or Toblerone?

69. We now return to Girlfriends on Lifetime.

70. Barry was over last night, and he...

71. Don't tell me.

72. He left the toilet seat up.

73. Oh, I ran into Frank.

74. It's funny, he fought in Vietnam,

75. he's an exorcist,

76. but there is one thing that terrifies him.

77. Commitment.

78. Oh, Midge, you're my third best friend In the whole world.

79. Third? Who are the first two?

80. Ben and Jerry.

81. Lifetime, television for idiots.

82. Peter, did you take the money from the family jar?

83. Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who?

84. Yeah, I did it.

85. I bought us volcano insurance.

86. Volcano insurance. That's ridiculous!

87. That's the same thing you said

88. when you talked me out of getting that cloud insurance.

89. Look at them up there.

90. Just plotting... Picking their moment.

91. So, Bill, we attack tomorrow.

92. Yes. Tomorrow.

93. I mean it this time.

94. I do, too.

95. Peter, that was our emergency money,

96. and your daughter just so happens to need a new pair of glasses.

97. Lois, no one really needs glasses.

98. You wear glasses.

99. That's only to fool the man from the draft board.

100. I can't believe you squandered that money.

101. I swear, sometimes, I feel like I'm married to a child.

102. What can I say about my beautiful bride,

103. except milk, milk, lemonade,

104. around the corner, fudge is made.

105. You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois,

106. because if I'm a child,

107. then you know what that makes you?

108. A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here

109. and be lectured by a pervert.

110. Can you believe it, Cleveland?

111. Lois thinks I'm bad with money.

112. She's got a point, Peter.

113. You're the white version of a black guy who's not good with his money.

114. Hey, guys and dolls,

115. drinks are on do-re-me!

116. Whoa, where'd you get that?

117. This loot's thanks to my stockbroker,

118. Ian Greenstein.

119. He made some smart investments that really paid off.

120. That guy is to money what Miss Ann-Margret

121. is to...

122. Let me buy the drinks, Quagmire.

123. My accountant, Larry Rosenblatt, just got me a huge tax refund,

124. and tickets to Bring in 'da Noise, Bring in 'da Funk.

125. The noise was good,

126. but I thought they phoned in a lot of the funk.

127. Wait a second. Rosenblatt? Greenstein?

128. So, you're saying I need a Jewish guy to handle my money.

129. Peter, not every Jewish person is good with money.

130. Well, yeah, I guess not the retarded ones,

131. but why would you even say that? For shock value?

132. Shesh, Cleveland, there's edgy and there's offensive.

133. Good day, sir.

134. Mother, you know how I hate asking for money, but...

135. Mother, Peter's an excellent provider.

136. No, Mother, I do not think I'd be better off married to a chimp.

137. I don't care how well that chimp across the street is doing.

138. Really? Well, yeah, okay.

139. I guess you can tell him I said hi.

140. But don't make me sound desperate.

141. I got to get a Greenstein or a Rosenblatt of my very own.

142. Nothing else has worked so far

143. So, I'll wish upon a star

144. Wondrous dancing speck of light

145. I need a Jew

146. Lois makes me take the rap

147. 'Cause our checkbook looks like crap

148. Since I can't give her a slap

149. I need a Jew

150. Where to find

151. A "baum" or "stein" or "stine"

152. To teach me how to whine

153. And do my taxes

154. Though by many they're abhorred

155. Hebrew people I've adored

156. Even though they killed my Lord

157. I need

158. A Jew

159. Hi. My name's Max Weinstein.

160. My car just broke down.

161. May I use your phone?

162. Now my troubles are all through

163. I have a Jew

164. Hey!

165. I prayed for you, Max Weinstein, and here you are.

166. Okay.

167. Listen, uh, thanks for letting me use the phone.

168. Thanks for Spaceballs.

169. Yeah, well, if there's anything I can ever do for you...

170. - You can't leave. - Ah!

171. What do you want?

172. Financial advice.

173. Financial advice?

174. How the hell did you know I'm an accountant?

175. Hello? "Max Weinstein"?

176. Look, I'll do what I can.

177. But I don't know why you think I can get your money back.

178. Max, Max, Max.

179. Let's not deny our heritages.

180. You're Jewish. You're good with money.

181. I'm Irish. I drink and I ban homosexuals from marching in my parade.

182. Now help me get my money back.

183. Oh. It's you.

184. Um... I'm not in right now.

185. Please leave a message.

186. Oh, man. I hate these things.

187. Uh, yeah, hi, this is Peter Griffin.

188. - Uh, I'm sorry I missed you, uh... - Peter, play with this.

189. Look, sir, I have reviewed this contract, and it offers no coverage at all.

190. It just says "volcano insurance" over and over again.

191. And down here in small print it, says,

192. "He's signing it, he's signing it, I can't believe it."

193. - So? - So, just refund this man's money,

194. and we'll be on our way.

195. I don't have your money.

196. How about that money?

197. No way. That's Lois' rainy-day fund.

198. Oh, damn it.

199. So, you couldn't date her, because she was a tickler.

200. - A tickler. - And you're not a stickler for a tickler.

201. Not a stickler for a tickler.

202. - Not a tickler stickler? - Not a tickler stickler.

203. Tickler, stickler. Stickler, tickler.

204. Where the hell is the remote?

205. Hey, honey, guess what?

206. I got back the money for Meg's glasses.

207. Really? Oh, honey!

208. Oh, hello.

209. This is my special friend, Max Weinstein.

210. He's Jewish.

211. Oh, my, how exotic.

212. Thank you?

213. See? Here's your rainy-day money,

214. and I balanced our checkbook, too.

215. You balanced our checkbook?

216. Yep. Isn't that right, Max?

217. Hmm? Oh, yeah, sure. He did it.

218. Well, I'm going to go call my mother right now,

219. and tell her to tell that chimp across the street.

220. Oh, look how low I've sunk.

221. Taking credit for something a smart Jewish person did.

222. - Oh, that's okay, Peter. - No, no, no.

223. People have been doing that for too damn long.

224. It is the white devil that has propogated, exacerbated,

225. instigated... Instigated... Line.

226. Instigated our hatred like a Buick.

227. What was I thinking when I agreed to this?

228. This is so degrading. It's...

229. This is worse than the time I was at the Friar's Club,

230. and Soon-Yi's retainer fell out of my pants.

231. Lois, I appreciate the marshmallow and fish casserole,

232. but, I'm sorry, I... I can't eat this.

233. Oh, because it's not kosher.

234. Yeah, let's go with that.

235. Can Stewie and me be excused?

236. He's going to help me with my math homework.

237. Chris, he's just a baby.

238. Oh, and you're a regular Rhodes scholar?

239. Where was it you graduated from, again? Hmm?

240. The University of Duh?

241. I can help you with your homework, son.

242. Oh, my God, is there nothing you people can't do?

243. I mean, you know, other than manual labor?

244. Peter, what a ridiculous thing to say.

245. They built the pyramids.

246. You'll have to excuse Peter.

247. He can be a little tactless sometimes.

248. Yes, like the time he soiled himself at that dinner party?

249. I was so sorry to hear that your father passed away.

250. Yes, it spread through his body so fast,

251. but he's at peace now, and a whole...

252. Uh-oh.

253. Ah... Well, there's only one thing that will top a great dinner like that.

254. Operation.

255. - May I play? - Mom?

256. - Mom? - Mom?

257. Thank you, but I can't stay. It's Friday night.

258. I've got to go to temple.

259. Temple? Ah, like Indiana Jones?

260. Will you just pick it up already?

261. Look, they'd better not be expecting us to give money,

262. because I already gave at Church last Sunday,

263. and I'm pretty sure it all goes to the same God.

264. Peter! Max, it was nice of you to invite us along.

265. Your husband's got a good heart, Lois,

266. but his views on Judaism are a little misguided.

267. I'd consider it a mitzvah to educate him a little.

268. No, no, no. No. I don't think so.

269. It is not that I have ideological differences.

270. I'm just not a hat person.

271. Hey, look. I didn't know the principal of Meg's school was Jewish.

272. Hey, there's Bill Nye, the science guy, and half of Lenny Kravitz.

273. Optimus Prime?

274. He's Jewish?

275. Aw, jeez, Max, I...

276. I don't know about this.

277. I went to Catholic school.

278. I'm not sure this is allowed.

279. Aw, what the hell.

280. Oh, dear.

281. Sister Mary Joseph, it appears Peter Griffin has entered a synagogue.

282. Lock 'n' load, brides of Christ.

283. Excellent, excellent.

284. Hello.

285. Oh, we're not Jewish.

286. But I hear you people have such lovely services.

287. Oh, my God, I didn't mean "you people."

288. I didn't mean, "Oh, my God" either.

289. I know he's your God, too.

290. - I... Sorry.

291. And on this day, the Sabbath, we gather here to...

292. Uh-oh!

293. That was so nice.

294. A good sermon,

295. and such beautiful songs.

296. Yeah, it was just like that other Jewish musical we saw.

297. A fiddler on the roof. Sounds crazy, no?

298. But here, in our little village of Anatevka,

299. you might say each one of us...

300. Card!

301. Card!

302. Well, there's my cab. It was nice meeting all of you.

303. Aw, thanks for everything, buddy.

304. Wait, Mr. Weinstein.

305. I thought you were going to help me with my homework.

306. I'm sorry, son. I have to go, but I'm...

307. I'm sure you'll do just fine.

308. I don't know, Max.

309. The kid's not exactly an honor-roll student.

310. Watch.

311. - Hey. - He did it.

312. See?

313. Peter, you took me in, fed me dinner, came to temple with me.

314. You're a nice family.

315. I have faith that Chris will grow up to be a real mensch.

316. You... Ow! Ow! Dad! Dad!

317. Lois, I just figured out

318. how to make sure Chris becomes a big success.

319. Please tell me this doesn't have anything to do with Tony Robbins.

320. Oh, no. I learned my lesson.

321. Could you sign this book, please?

322. Tony Robbins hungry.

323. No, Lois, I'm going to make Chris Jewish.

324. What are you talking about?

325. He thinks if Chris is Jewish, he'll become smart.

326. Peter, you can't convert someone,

327. because you think it'll help their grades.

328. Now, I don't want to hear another word about this.

329. Where we going?

330. Son, it's too late for me and Meg's a girl,

331. but for you, the sky's the limit.

332. We're going to take you to that synagogue and turn you Jewish.

333. Okay!

334. Chris, duck.

335. Mr. Griffin, I still don't understand.

336. Why exactly does your son want to join the Jewish faith?

337. I don't know. He's bi-curious.

338. I appreciate your interest,

339. but Judaism takes a serious commitment.

340. Elliot, here,

341. has spent years preparing for his bar mitzvah this Saturday.

342. A bar mitzvah. Perfect.

343. How much for one of those?

344. You can't just buy a bar mitzvah.

345. It requires a lot of study.

346. Well, can't we skip that part?

347. I mean, come on, if Chris knew how to study,

348. he wouldn't need to become Jewish, in the first place, right?

349. Right?

350. Right?

351. Don't worry, dad.

352. I don't need a bar mitzvah.

353. I'm okay just the way I...

354. Ow, ow, ow!

355. Now, we got no time to lose.

356. There's got to be some place in America

357. where you can take a solemn spiritual ceremony

358. that begins a lifetime commitment,

359. and blow through it in about 20 minutes.

360. All right, dad!

361. So, how do I look in my new glasses?

362. How shall I put this?

363. In an attic somewhere,

364. there's a portrait of you getting prettier.

365. Wow. Someone needs a nap.

366. After lunch, it's straight to bed, Stewie.

367. This isn't the first time my wit has gone unappreciated.

368. And in the comedy competition,

369. Stewie Griffin receives three and a half stars.

370. Challenger Sinbad receives four stars.

371. We have a new champion, Sinbad!

372. Stewie, any parting words?

373. Um, you know, I got beat, pure and simple.

374. You... You are a very funny man.

375. "Men be acting all like zombies at the mall."

376. God, ain't that the truth?

377. Where's your father and Chris?

378. It's not like them to be late for lunch.

379. I think they left a note.

380. Brian, what do you know about this?

381. Nothing.

382. I know when you're lying to me, Brian.

383. No, no, I swear.

384. Meg, take Stewie upstairs.

385. What... What are you... What are you doing?

386. Oh, you don't know that, either.

387. Last chance, Brian.

388. They're in Vegas, getting a quickie bar mitzvah.

389. What?

390. Well, hel-Lois.

391. Forgive me for pointing.

392. Quick, I need to borrow your car.

393. I've got a bar mitzvah to stop.

394. No problem. Let me grab my keys.

395. Aw, Chris, in a few minutes,

396. you'll become a smart, successful Jewish man.

397. I could make a foreskin joke right now,

398. but this is a solemn occasion.

399. And besides, there'll be plenty of time for that

400. on the ride back.

401. Aw, I got so many of 'em, too.

402. I know, I know. Shh, shh, shh! But later...

403. Chris!

404. Chris!

405. Stop this travesty right now!

406. So, bar mitzvahs are travesties, huh?

407. No, my son getting bar mitzvahed is a travesty.

408. He's doing it for all the wrong reasons.

409. Well, lookie here, Herschel.

410. We got us one of them self-hating Jews.

411. Nothing I hate worse than a Jew

412. who doesn't appreciate her own rich heritage.

413. Come on, Mordecai, let's get her!

414. I'm sorry, Lois.

415. I just wanted our son to be Jewish so he'd be smarter.

416. Then maybe his wife wouldn't be sorry she didn't marry the chimp next door.

417. Oh, Peter...

418. Just because Steven makes more money than you

419. doesn't mean he's any smarter.

420. And I think Chris will do just fine.

421. How do you know that?

422. Because I have faith in him,

423. the way I have faith in you.

424. Besides, a person's religion is no guarantee of success.

425. I see what you're saying.

426. The Jewish are just like us.

427. No better, no worse.

428. Yeah, and as they say, "Zo zion, mit glick."

429. What?

430. I think what he's trying to say is everything's gonna be okay.