1. I say, it's four o'clock, away with you.
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2. - Stewie!
- Change it back!
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3. Oh, forget it, Jolly Farm Revue is on.
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4. It's the latest indoctrinating pabulum
for children with not enough to do.
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5. Hey.
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6. Shut up.
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7. Wakey, wakey, children.
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8. Good morning, Mother Maggie.
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9. The sun has risen
on another day in Jolly Farm.
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10. Let's see what life's rich pageant
has in store for us.
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11. Oh, she has the voice of an angel.
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12. Not to mention a balcony
you could do Shakespeare from.
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13. Play your song, Melody Sheep,
to aid the little ones' nourishment.
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14. But play softly,
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15. for Pengrove Pig wishes to read aloud...
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16. From his Magic Tome
that holds every book ever written!
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17. "These were difficult times
for the children of Ipswich
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18. "when the lollipop famine
cursed their pleasant village..."
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19. How can you stand watching this?
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20. It's dreck and you know it.
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21. Oh, don't have the guts to respond, huh?
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22. No intelligent defense
of this unmitigated crap?
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23. - Commercial!
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24. I'm going to get some graham crackers.
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25. Welcome back to Kiss Forum,
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26. Rhode Island public access's
most popular show about Kiss.
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27. Lois hurry, it's back on!
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28. Calm down, Peter,
you know I wouldn't miss a second of this.
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29. Okay, let's take a call.
You're on Kiss Forum.
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30. Kiss rules! Whoo!
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31. Okay, good call, good call.
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32. All right, hey, you're on Kiss Forum.
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33. Yeah. Kiss sucks.
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34. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
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35. Trace the call, trace the call.
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36. Yeah, um, they suck big time.
They bite ass.
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37. Wait a second, I recognize that voice.
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38. Is this Dennis De Young,
lead singer from Styx?
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39. Come clean, man.
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40. Yeah, yeah, it's me. It's Dennis.
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41. Dennis, you jealous douche,
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42. how about I crank
a little "Detroit Rock City"
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43. and play "Come Sail Away,"
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44. and we can see how they stack up
side by side, huh?
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45. You want that, you high-voiced bastard?
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46. We'll be right back after this.
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47. Hey, didn't see you come in.
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48. We're just getting into shape
for our upcoming tour.
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49. We're playing five big shows in five days.
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50. - So, if you're...
- Rock and roll!
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51. Why don't you just sit
in the corner, huh? Go on.
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52. So, if you're a Kiss fan
and you live in the Northeast,
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53. come out for all five shows
of what we're calling "Kiss-Stock."
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54. Aw, hell, the Northeast?
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55. You know, it's times like this,
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56. I curse the fact that we live
in French Polynesia.
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57. No, Peter, we're in the Northeast.
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58. We are?
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59. And Kiss is coming to the Northeast.
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60. That means... Uh...
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61. - That means...
- No, no, Lois, don't help me.
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62. It means we can do something...
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63. Come on, Peter, you're almost there.
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64. - We can go to Kiss-Stock!
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65. Hey, yo, Lois!
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66. - What?
- I'm packing for Kiss-Stock.
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67. I can't find my favorite underwear.
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68. You mean the pair with the rip
in the right butt cheek
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69. from when you stepped on them
pulling them up
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70. in the airplane bathroom
from when you had the trots?
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71. No, no, the pair with the hole
in the left butt cheek
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72. from when I held it in for two hours,
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73. 'cause it was that extra long
Palm Sunday Church sermon
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74. and I thought blowing gas
would offend Jesus,
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75. so I let it go in the vestibule after mass
and it sounded like Louis Armstrong?
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76. Oh, bottom drawer.
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77. Children, tell Mother Maggie
what you want to be when you grow up?
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78. - A scientist.
- A novelist.
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79. A Cambridge don.
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80. Oh, what's my future,
coming from these squalid surroundings?
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81. Getting into a fight
with some dude at the Laundromat,
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82. 'cause he was hitting on my baby's mama?
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83. I should be there, not here.
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84. London...
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85. Hey, Dad, can me and Meg
stay up late every night
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86. when you're at Kiss-Stock?
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87. You can do whatever you want, son.
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88. Just don't eat from the Candy tree.
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89. He's right to caution you.
I feed on children.
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90. You don't mind watching Stewie
for a few days, do you, Brian?
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91. No, ever since Jolly Farm Revue came on,
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92. he's been pretty distracted.
It'll be a breeze.
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93. Well, bye, everyone.
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94. I can't believe my stupid parents
are going to spend five days
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95. following stupid old Kiss around.
It's painful.
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96. Not half as painful
as a tire iron upside your head.
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97. - What?
- I'll miss you.
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98. Hey, Stewie, what do you want for lunch?
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99. "Dear stupid dog,
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100. "I've gone to livewith the children
on Jolly Farm.
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101. "Goodbye forever, Stewie."
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102. "P.S. I never got a chanceto return
that sweaterLois gave me for Christmas.
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103. "Um, I left the receipt
on top of my bureau.
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104. "I'm probably
over the 30-day return limit,
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105. "but I'm sure if you make a fuss,
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106. "they'll at least give you
a store credit or something.
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107. "It's actually not a horrible sweater.
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108. "It's just I can't imagine
whenl'll ever wear it, you know?
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109. "Oh, and, uh, I also left
a button on the bureau.
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110. "I'm not sure what it goes to,
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111. "but I can never bring myself
to throw a button away.
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112. "I know as soon as I do,
I'llfind the garment it goes to,
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113. "and then... And then it'll...
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114. "Wait a minute, actually,
couldit have been from the sweater?
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115. "Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm.
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116. "Well, I should wrap this up
before I start to ramble.
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117. "Again, goodbye forever."
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118. "P.P.S. You know what?
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119. "It might be a little chilly in London.
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120. "I... I'm actually
going to take the sweater."
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121. Oh, my God!
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122. One of these planes
must be going to London.
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123. Queue up, children. Spit-spot.
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124. Here are the tickets, miss.
These are all ours. Thank you.
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125. Spit-spot, Albert Hall,
meat and two veg, Big Ben,
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126. Dave Clark Five, spam and eggs,
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127. baby's arm holding an apple,
pip-pip, cheerio.
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128. - Hot towel?
- Yes, thank you.
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129. Well, come on!
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130. - What the hell are you doing here?
- I'm taking you off this plane.
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131. Well, think again, Rover.
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132. Great.
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133. I'm stuck on a transatlantic flight
with a petulant runaway.
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134. How could this get any worse?
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135. You know what I hate about flying?
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136. The peanuts. First of all,
you can't get them open.
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137. Who are they trying
to keep out of these things?
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138. What's the deal
with the razor blade slot in the bathroom?
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139. Are people actually shaving in there?
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140. Hi, Andy Dick here. Excuse me.
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141. I've got to get my bag
up in the overhead bin here...
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142. Oh! Whoa! No! No! Wow, that's wacky.
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143. There, now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
Did you sleep at all?
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144. Yeah, a little.
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145. Ugh, I couldn't sleep a wink.
My pillow smelled like farts.
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146. But, that's all right,
because we're in England.
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147. Uh-oh.
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148. Well, I don't get it.
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149. Where are England's verdant fields,
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150. its rosy-rumped maidens
and bucktoothed solicitors?
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151. About 3,000 miles that way.
We're in the Middle East.
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152. Where are we going?
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153. I don't know, I'm not exactly familiar
with this particular Arabian Village.
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154. Stuff for sale!
Bad, cheaply made stuff for sale!
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155. Hey, Americans! You like movies?
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156. I've got Dude, My Car
Is Not Where I Parked It,
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157. But Praise Allah, We Are Not Hurt.
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158. Camels for sale.
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159. This one owned by little old man
who only drove it to mosque on Sundays.
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160. Just had its knees replaced.
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161. Well, great, buy one,
and let's get out of here.
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162. What do you mean, buy one?
All I've got is 50 bucks.
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163. We're going to have to distract them.
Follow my lead.
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164. You and I are
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165. So awfully different
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166. Too awfully different
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167. To ever be pals
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168. - Do you want to go first?
- Yeah, I'll go.
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169. Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade
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170. Oh, you're one to talk.
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171. You get a stiffy from Phylicia Rashad
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172. Oh, one time.
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173. I've a style flair
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174. Just look at my hip hair
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175. - Oh, yeah, that's quite a nice 'do there.
- Thanks.
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176. For me to poop on!
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177. - What?
- Come on, you look like Charlie Brown.
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178. Bite me, Snoopy.
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179. There's not a whole lot
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180. That we've got to agree on
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181. 'Cause I love the strings
of a classical score
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182. And I like that singer
who looks like a whore
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183. - Ricky Martin?
- Love him.
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184. We're too different to ever be pals
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185. - You and I are
- Doo, doo, doo
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186. - So awfully different
- Doo, doo, doo
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187. - Too awfully different
- Doo, doo, doo
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188. To ever be pals
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189. Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo doo
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190. Your head's as massive
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191. As a meteorite
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192. Oh, very funny.
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193. You have a weenie
likea Christmas tree light
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194. I bet money
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195. You'll marry a honey
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196. Who's pretty and funny
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197. And her name will be Ted
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198. - Oh, a gay joke.
- I just work with what you give me.
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199. You might think we're NSYNC
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200. But we stink...
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201. As a duo
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202. 'Cause you get a kick out
of carnage and guts
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203. And you get a kick out of stroking your...
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204. Whoa, whoa, you can't say that on TV.
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205. - What, ego?
- Never mind.
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206. We're too different to ever be pals
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207. Oh, man, we're screwed.
We're lost in the desert.
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208. We have no food, no water,
and our camel is dead from exhaustion.
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209. And I had named him
and given him a back story.
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210. "Chucky had the biggest hump
of all the camels in his village,
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211. "and he was picked on for it.
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212. "But then, there was a terrible drought,
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213. "and Chucky went to the oasis
at great risk,
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214. "'cause he was like that,
and he drank and drank,
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215. "and stored enough water
in his massive hump
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216. "to slake the thirst of the entire..."
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217. Cut the maudlin crap,
we're in trouble here!
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218. It's already below freezing
and it's getting colder.
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219. We're going to die unless...
Unless we do something drastic.
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220. What?
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221. We have to slice open our camel's stomach
and shelter ourselves in his entrails.
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222. Eviscerate Chucky? I won't do it!
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223. Look, we'll die if we don't.
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224. All right.
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225. Oh, God, it's like Orson Welles' autopsy!
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226. All right, just hold your breath and go.
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227. What are you doing?
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228. Wiping my feet, I don't want
to track any sand inside.
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229. Once you get it in there,
you can't get it out.
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230. Oh, God!
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231. Oh, God, I just threw up in his lung!
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232. Look, I know it's gross,
but when you're desperate,
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233. and you're staring death in the face,
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234. you have no other choice but to...
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235. - Oh, there's a Comfort Inn.
- Really?
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236. Yeah, good luck for us, huh?
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237. You know, actually,
once you Feng Shui the organs,
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238. it's kind of cozy.
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239. - Oh, isn't this exciting?
- Hey, anyone got a light?
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240. Thanks.
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241. Peter, look, there's Dave and Dottie,
the nudists.
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242. Well, hey, there, Griffins.
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243. Dave, Dottie, what a pleasant surprise.
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244. Don't tell me you're Kiss freaks, too.
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245. Kiss Army soldier since 1977.
How about you?
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246. '76. I don't think anyone knows
more about Kiss than I do.
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247. I... I'm sorry, what was that?
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248. - Peter, it's not important.
- Let him answer, Lois.
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249. I said no one knows
more about Kiss than I do.
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250. Fellas, please keep it civil.
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251. I'm not sure I like the tone
of your voice, Dave.
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252. Well, throw down if that's what you want.
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253. Name Gene Simmons' special effects mentor.
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254. Amazo the Magician.
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255. What high school did Paul Stanley go to?
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256. New York High School of Music.
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257. - Paul and Gene's band before Kiss.
- Wicked Lester.
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258. What year did Kiss appear
on the Jim Nabors Halloween special?
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259. Trick question.
It was Paul Lynde, and it was 1975.
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260. Now, recite the magazine ad
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261. that brought Peter Criss
to Paul and Gene's attention.
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262. "Drummer willing to do anything
to make it."
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263. Rolling Stone, October, 1972.
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264. - Exemplary!
- Rock 'n roll!
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265. How in the hell
are we going to get out of here?
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266. - Are you going to finish your red paste?
- No.
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267. - What about your sweet, crusty thing?
- No, you can have it.
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268. No more balloon for you!
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269. I am sick of you tooling
around the village in that thing,
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270. honking at the girls,
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271. blasting your 1980s American rock music
that we got here last week.
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272. - But, Father...
- Go to your palace!
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273. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
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274. Ugh, yes. Just wait until they have
to suffer through Jesus Jones.
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275. Peeyew!
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276. Not that, the balloon.
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277. Oh, yes, the balloon. Let's take it.
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278. Wow. I didn't know
it really looked like that.
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279. Oh, neither did I.
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280. Such lovely printing, too.
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281. You people shout it
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282. You people shout it...
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283. Oh, Lois, here comes the best part.
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284. I wanna rock and roll all night...
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285. And have a wonderful time
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286. Is that it?
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287. Oh, no, it's, uh...
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288. And something-something all day
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289. Right?
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290. Oh, man, I've lost all faith in mankind.
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291. Music is dead to me now.
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292. Hey, now's our chance!
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293. Let's do it!
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294. Pardon me, boy
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295. Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?
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296. Track 29
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297. And can you give me a shine?
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298. I say, where the hell are we?
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299. Pope? Pope!
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300. It's time to get up and put on your hat.
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301. It's a stupid hat.
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302. Pope?
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303. All right, okay. God!
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304. Pope, the floor is not a hamper.
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305. Man!
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306. Good. Now it's time to go on the balcony
and address the people.
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307. All right, all we got to do
is find the American Embassy,
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308. and they'll help us get home.
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309. Home? I have no intention of returning
to that disgusting hovel
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310. with that intolerable woman,
that fat slob and that insufferable dog.
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311. Oh, you're right here, aren't you?
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312. Oh, well, I stand by it.
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313. My future is with Jolly Farm.
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314. You really think that, don't you?
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315. I know it.
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316. Okay, we've got three days
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317. until Peter and Lois get back
from their Kiss concerts.
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318. Let's go to Jolly Farm.
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319. Now you're talking.
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320. You make the Pope look like a fool.
God will make you pay.
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321. Smite them!
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322. He's cooking something up.
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323. - I say, Brian, look! Three rows down.
- What?
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324. Is that Tom Bosley?
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325. What would Tom Bosley be doing
on a train in Switzerland?
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326. I'm almost certain. Tom!
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327. - Did he look?
- I don't know.
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328. Well, if I yell, you have to watch.
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329. Tom Bosley!
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330. - No, it's not him.
- Huh.
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331. Besides, its beautiful
historic architecture,
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332. Munich was the home of many great writers
such as Thomas Mann.
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333. You'll find more
on Germany's contribution to the arts
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334. in the pamphlets we have provided.
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335. Yeah, uh, about your pamphlet...
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336. Um, I'm not seeing anything
about German history
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337. between 1939 and 1945.
There's just a big gap.
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338. Everyone was on vacation!
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339. On your left is Munich's first city hall,
erected in 15...
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340. Wait, wait, what are you talking about?
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341. Germany invaded Poland in 1939.
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342. We were invited!
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343. Punch was served! Check with Poland!
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344. You can't just ignore those years.
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345. Thomas Mann fled to America,
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346. because of Nazism's stranglehold
on Germany.
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347. Nope. Nope.
He left to manage a Dairy Queen.
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348. A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.
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349. I will hear no more insinuations
about the German people!
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350. Nothing bad happened!
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351. Uh, is that a beer hall?
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352. Oh, yes. Munich is renowned
for its historic beer halls.
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353. Why is everybody glaring at us?
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354. Why, Lois? I'll tell you why.
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355. Your faux pas last night at the concert
was so upsetting,
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356. I had to call a university professor
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357. to tell me what phrase I could use
to describe it.
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358. - Use "faux pas."
- Thanks, Professor.
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359. You've been living a lie all these years.
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360. You represented yourself
as a Kiss fan, and why?
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361. To make me look foolish.
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362. No, to make you happy.
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363. I wanted to share in all aspects
of your life, Peter,
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364. but I just was never that big a Kiss fan.
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365. Yeah, I should have guessed that
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366. when you were willing
to dress up as Peter Criss.
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367. No one wants to be Peter Criss,
Lois, not even Peter Criss.
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368. I guess I'm just not as cool
as you thought I was.
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369. I guess not.
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370. Oh, I'm exhausted.
Come on, let's get a coffee.
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371. Ugh, this smoke is so acrid.
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372. Ugh, a man can hardly breathe in here.
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373. You should get some hash, man.
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374. You can't go wrong.
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375. Oh, not true.
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376. Ground meat can go very wrong
for me very quickly,
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377. and everyone in this room
will suffer the consequences.
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378. You are out there, man, in the ether.
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379. Yes, well, I'd love
to further pursue our palaver,
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380. but I'm not fluent in Freaka,
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381. so I'm just going to turn back over here,
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382. back towards my table.
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383. - Say, are you hungry?
- I wasn't when I came in,
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384. but isn't that so funny?
I'm getting there.
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385. Yeah, same here.
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386. - I think the only reason we die is that...
- Dude, dude.
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387. I know what you're going to say
and I am so completely...
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388. Wait, wait, wait...
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389. The only reason we die
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390. is because we accept it
as an inevitability. Ah!
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391. Do you think I'll ever find
the right woman?
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392. Oh, God, I... Yes, man!
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393. Come on, dude, you're great.
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394. Peter, are you ever going to forgive me?
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395. Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you,
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396. so I will take my rage out on my own body.
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397. Let's go to Denny's.
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398. Oh, man. I don't believe it! Kiss is here!
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399. We don't deserve
to be under the same roof with them.
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400. - Let's go.
- Well, all right.
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401. I guess I could fix us something
when we... Chaim?
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402. Lois, do not address Kiss
unless they address you first!
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403. Oh, my God, Chaim Witz? It is you!
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404. Uh, which one do you want me to sign,
left or right?
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405. No, no, no, it's Lois. Lois Pewterschmidt.
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406. I knew you before you changed your name.
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407. Lois! I don't believe it. It's been ages.
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408. Hey, guys, this is the girl
I told you about.
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409. You know, I knew her
before we formed Kiss.
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410. "Loose Lois."
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411. - Cool. Loose Lois!
- The legend herself!
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412. My Grand Slam was supposed
to be with sausage.
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413. I never realized
you were Gene Simmons, the rock star.
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414. You look great, Lois.
Anyone nailing you now?
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415. Yes, my husband nails me.
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416. This is him, Peter.
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417. - You... Are... Gods!
- Yeah, thanks, right.
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418. Hey, we're recording some tracks
in Boston next month.
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419. You should come on by.
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420. We'd love that, Chaim.
I mean, Gene, you big rock star.
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421. Bye.
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422. Oh, wow, such a small world.
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423. He was a nice boy. And he's still nice.
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424. Listen, Lois, uh, what I said before...
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425. I've never been more wrong in my life.
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426. You are the coolest girl in the world.
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427. - My wife did Kiss!
- And J. Geils.
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428. - What?
- Nothing.
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429. There it is... The BBC.
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430. Well, this is it.
I'll say goodbye to you now.
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431. - Well, have a good life, Stewie.
- Oh, I shall.
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432. Oh, hey, I meant to ask you.
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433. Did you ever find out
what that button on my bureau was from?
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434. Oh, yeah, Chris's denim jacket.
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435. Ah. I like that jacket.
It looks good on him.
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436. - Okay, then, so, we'll keep in touch?
- Sure.
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437. Well, I have your address. See you.
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438. Oh, there's Happy Hill!
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439. What the deuce?
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440. Pengrove! Pengrove Pig!
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441. Pengrove, I've come to live on Jolly Farm.
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442. Oh, my. The Magic Tome!
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443. Well, it's... It's cardboard.
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444. And there are no words. There are just...
What is it you've drawn here?
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445. Oh, that's Oswald Owl
slammin' Mother Maggie
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446. in one of them Chinese baskets.
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447. I did well, aye?
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448. Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God!
Something's terribly wrong!
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449. Whose stinky brat is this?
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450. Oh... Oh, that's not your voice.
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451. Your voice is lyrical,
like the gentle strum of a lute.
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452. Piss off, you grotty little wanker!
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453. It's a fake.
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454. It's not real.
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455. I thought it would be best for you
to find out on your own, kid.
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456. I feel like such a fool.
Don't even look at me.
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457. Hey, come on.
You want to get some ice cream?
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458. That would make you feel better, right?
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459. You want to get some McDonald's?
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460. You want to take a dump
in Mother Maggie's shoes?
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461. Okay, let's go take a dump
in Mother Maggie's shoes.
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462. Jolly Farm is on, Stewie.
Don't you want to watch?
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463. Oh, the Stewie who loved Jolly Farm
is dead, Megan.
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464. Meet the Stewie
who loves funky fruit hats.
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465. Ooh, turn it up. Mom and Dad are on.
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466. Hey, we're back here with more Kiss Forum.
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467. I'm here with the Griffins,
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468. and they got something
really exciting to share.
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469. Yeah, my wife here did Kiss.
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470. - Get out of here!
- Hand to God.
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471. Whoa! Peter, how does that make you feel?
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472. I feel like I've done Kiss, too, Donny,
and it feels good.
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473. Lois, you got any tips for the young girls
in the audience tonight?
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474. Well, I guess the best advice I can give
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475. is that you never know
who's going to grow up to be famous,
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476. so just make yourself available.
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477. Cool, cool.
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478. Well, that's our show for tonight.
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479. Now, stay tuned
for Battlestar Galactica Forum.
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480. Welcome to Battlestar Galactica Forum.
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