1. Previously on Family Guy.Copy !req
2. Oh, my God!Copy !req
3. Tell your father
not to start the car!Copy !req
4. Do you want
my badge number?Copy !req
5. Here.
Here's my freaking badge number!Copy !req
6. I can't lose this case.Copy !req
7. Lois, the case
is already over.Copy !req
8. Who did this to you?Copy !req
9. In all my years of researchCopy !req
10. I've never seen a virus
reproduce this quickly.Copy !req
11. Everyone I told
about the file is dead.Copy !req
12. What do you mean,
cut the blue wire?Copy !req
13. They're all blue wires!Copy !req
14. Face it. He's never coming
out of that coma.Copy !req
15. Brian's gone to Los Angeles
to find himself.Copy !req
16. Peter, don't throw out
Brian's things.Copy !req
17. It's not like he's going
to be in Los Angeles forever.Copy !req
18. He just needs to find himself.Copy !req
19. He's not coming back, Lois.Copy !req
20. You saw him.Copy !req
21. He just walked out on us.Copy !req
22. Boy, did we
have some good times!Copy !req
23. Here it comes, buddy.Copy !req
24. Oh! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh!Copy !req
25. Oh! What are the odds?Copy !req
26. Well, if he does come backCopy !req
27. I want everything
to be just how he left it.Copy !req
28. Easy! Massage the scalp.Copy !req
29. You're washing a baby's hairCopy !req
30. not scrubbing vomit
off your Christmas dressCopy !req
31. you holiday drunk!Copy !req
32. You guys, we got
a letter from Brian.Copy !req
33. Tell him I'm not here.Copy !req
34. Let me see.Copy !req
35. Oh, I'm sorry, Sweetie,Copy !req
36. There. All better?Copy !req
37. You know, you are
some piece of work, lady.Copy !req
38. If you... actually, yes, it is.Copy !req
39. "Greetings
from California.Copy !req
40. "I've been very busy.Copy !req
41. "I'm having a great timeCopy !req
42. "trying to make it
as a writer in L.A.Copy !req
43. "It's just as easy
as everyone thinks it is.Copy !req
44. I've been working the room
at a lot of Hollywood parties."Copy !req
45. Oh!Copy !req
46. Bobby, loved you in Raging Bull.Copy !req
47. Hey, Jodie, how's the baby?Copy !req
48. All right.Copy !req
49. Hey, I need more
cheese puffs, Manny.Copy !req
50. Looks like Oprah's
off the wagon again.Copy !req
51. And skip the toothpicks.
She'll just hurt herself.Copy !req
52. Hey, Bri, did you
hear about Jason?Copy !req
53. Paramount
bought his script.Copy !req
54. They bought
Death Spares Not the Tiger?Copy !req
55. Hundred grand.Copy !req
56. Pretty good, huh?Copy !req
57. Sheesh! He's been
in L.A. how long?Copy !req
58. Unbelievable.Copy !req
59. You know, he actuallyCopy !req
60. called the main character
"John Everyman"?Copy !req
61. Come on.Copy !req
62. Well, good for him.Copy !req
63. Keanu Reeves. Wow!Copy !req
64. You know, I don't
usually gushCopy !req
65. so you'll have
to forgive meCopy !req
66. but when I was
writing Coast Guard—Copy !req
67. that's what I do—
I'm a writer.Copy !req
68. Anyway, when I was
writing Coast GuardCopy !req
69. I couldn't think
of anyone other than...Copy !req
70. uh-uh... there's a woodpecker
on your head.Copy !req
71. Yeah,
he comes and goes.Copy !req
72. And now back to
Kids Say the Darndest Things.Copy !req
73. It's okay.
Take your time.Copy !req
74. Then what happened?Copy !req
75. He... he said he would kill me
if I ever said anything.Copy !req
76. Do you remember
what he looked like?Copy !req
77. Yeah. He had a scar on his armCopy !req
78. and he had a big,
stupid doo-doo head!Copy !req
79. "A big, stupid
doo-doo head!"Copy !req
80. Honestly, the things
children come up with.Copy !req
81. If you have a child you'd like
to exploit in order to getCopy !req
82. a free trip to Los AngelesCopy !req
83. why not have them
try out for our show?Copy !req
84. Our next auditions will
be held in New York, ChicagoCopy !req
85. and Quahog, Rhode Island.Copy !req
86. Hey, maybe Stewie
could get on that show.Copy !req
87. Eh! You must be 'shrooming.Copy !req
88. Yeah! We can get a free trip
to L.A., and see Brian.Copy !req
89. Jeez, I haven't been
to CaliforniaCopy !req
90. since I lived
with my other family.Copy !req
91. Guys. I just
got invitedCopy !req
92. to a party at
Sharon Tate's house.Copy !req
93. You guys can comeCopy !req
94. but you got
to promiseCopy !req
95. not to embarrass me.Copy !req
96. Talk, damn you!Copy !req
97. I know you've
been plottingCopy !req
98. to foil my plans
of world domination.Copy !req
99. Who are you working for?Copy !req
100. The Libyans? The French?Copy !req
101. Very well.Copy !req
102. If torture won't workCopy !req
103. perhaps a little
tenderness will.Copy !req
104. Mmm! I like
your taste in women.Copy !req
105. Yes, I think she and ICopy !req
106. are going to have
a good time together.Copy !req
107. Yes, you like this, don't you?Copy !req
108. Oh, God, look at me,
having sex with a pig.Copy !req
109. I've become my father.Copy !req
110. Come on, Stewie.Copy !req
111. Let's get your sailor suit.Copy !req
112. You got to look cuteCopy !req
113. if you're auditioning
for national television.Copy !req
114. Lois, I told you.Copy !req
115. There's no way...Copy !req
116. National television, you say?Copy !req
117. Coast to coast?Copy !req
118. Well, that could
be the ideal placeCopy !req
119. to unleash
my mass-hypnosis deviceCopy !req
120. on the unsuspecting public.Copy !req
121. Oh, I always loved
this little sailor suit.Copy !req
122. Or we could do nice
corduroys and a sweater.Copy !req
123. Or you could make
yourself usefulCopy !req
124. and wipe my button.Copy !req
125. Circular motion,
one finger—Copy !req
126. and don't you
look at me!Copy !req
127. Oh, my God,
that's Michael Eisner.Copy !req
128. I... I'll take it
from here, Julio.Copy !req
129. Uh... here you go,
Mr. Eisner.Copy !req
130. It's, uh... it's
been Brianized.Copy !req
131. You might notice
that new script smell.Copy !req
132. Every car I hand-wash comes
with a smile, an air freshener,Copy !req
133. and a copy on my can't-miss,
coming-of-age teen comedyCopy !req
134. set in Wisconsin.Copy !req
135. - What's your name?
- Brian.Copy !req
136. Let's see.Copy !req
137. There we go...Copy !req
138. Brian.Copy !req
139. See you
at Disneyland.Copy !req
140. Bring money.Copy !req
141. Look. It's Tom Tucker
from The News.Copy !req
142. And that must
be his son.Copy !req
143. Oh, my.Copy !req
144. I feel bad staringCopy !req
145. without having paid
for a ticket.Copy !req
146. I mean, really, how am
I supposed to follow that act?Copy !req
147. Bite the head off a chicken?Copy !req
148. Dad, they're
staring at me.Copy !req
149. They're just jealous.Copy !req
150. Ew!Copy !req
151. Uh... you're next.Copy !req
152. Hey, wait a minute.
Wait. We were next.Copy !req
153. Hey! Hey, don't
walk away from me!Copy !req
154. Hey!Copy !req
155. You know what
we're going to do?Copy !req
156. We're going to get
the video camera outCopy !req
157. and we'll
make our own show.Copy !req
158. I don't want to!
Yes, you do.Copy !req
159. You do because
it's normal.Copy !req
160. Tell us, Stewie,
what job does a mommy do?Copy !req
161. Oh, interesting question.Copy !req
162. More to the point,
how does one define "job"Copy !req
163. without branding oneself
with useless labels?Copy !req
164. Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
165. I'm afraid I answered your
question with another question.Copy !req
166. Um... how old
do you think Daddy is?Copy !req
167. 42.Copy !req
168. Oh, um... uh...Copy !req
169. I mean... I mean... Daddy's old!Copy !req
170. I think he's seven.Copy !req
171. Yeah, that's it.Copy !req
172. That's what you want to hear,
isn't it?Copy !req
173. Yes, yes.
Jump through the hoop.Copy !req
174. Daddy's feet smell!Copy !req
175. ( under breath ):
Oh... jackasses.Copy !req
176. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin,
he's adorable.Copy !req
177. Congratulations.Copy !req
178. Stewie's going
to be on the show.Copy !req
179. Did you
hear that, Lois?Copy !req
180. We're going
to Hollywood—Copy !req
181. where the people
are sexy and cleverCopy !req
182. and they always
say something funnyCopy !req
183. right before
the commercial break.Copy !req
184. Oh, great.Copy !req
185. I always end up sitting
next to a damn baby.Copy !req
186. What? What
did you just say?Copy !req
187. Stewie, stop fussing.Copy !req
188. Not now, Lois.Copy !req
189. Hey, big man,
turn around.Copy !req
190. If you've got
something to sayCopy !req
191. say it to my face!Copy !req
192. Oh, you can't
hear me now?Copy !req
193. All right, that's it.Copy !req
194. I was going to watch
the movie, but forget it.Copy !req
195. For the next five hours,
you're my bitch.Copy !req
196. Waa! Waa!
My ears are poppingCopy !req
197. and there's no way
to console me.Copy !req
198. I'm hungry, and
possibly teething!Copy !req
199. Maybe I'm wet.Copy !req
200. Who knows?Copy !req
201. I'm a baby.Copy !req
202. Waa! Waa!Copy !req
203. Yeah, uh...
this is a message for Brian.Copy !req
204. This is Jack Nicholson.Copy !req
205. Uh... listen,
I read your scriptCopy !req
206. and it just, uh... you know,
jumped right off the page.Copy !req
207. Uh... I think it's somethingCopy !req
208. I'd be excited to be a part of,
so, uh... call my, uh... but...Copy !req
209. Listen,
I'm just jacking you, man.Copy !req
210. Me and my buddy Phil just found
your script at StarbucksCopy !req
211. Tell him it sucks.Copy !req
212. Yeah, it sucks!Copy !req
213. Give it up, loser.Copy !req
214. And don't put your number
on the cover, you stupid.Copy !req
215. I'm hungry.Copy !req
216. Jasper's residence.Copy !req
217. Who the hell is Jasper?
Where's Brian?Copy !req
218. Peter? It's me.Copy !req
219. Jasper's my cousin.Copy !req
220. I'm using his place while
he's working at Club Med.Copy !req
221. Are you on a cell phone?Copy !req
222. Yeah, we're in L.A.Copy !req
223. What? Uh... what
a terrific surprise.Copy !req
224. Brian, can we see you
for dinner?Copy !req
225. Yeah... yeah, you're not too
famous to get togetherCopy !req
226. with your old family, are you?Copy !req
227. Well, I, uh... uh...Copy !req
228. I was invited to the premiere
of the new, uh...Copy !req
229. the new Val Kilmer pictureCopy !req
230. but I'd much rather take
you guys out to dinner.Copy !req
231. How about Musso and Frank's,
8:00?Copy !req
232. Okay. See you later,
Mr. Big Shot...Copy !req
233. Oh, crap. I didn't push "end."Copy !req
234. This is going to cost me
a fortune.Copy !req
235. Brian! Okay, I'm back.Copy !req
236. Tell me everything.Copy !req
237. I'm sitting, I'm hearing.Copy !req
238. That's Ricardo,
Ricardo, Brian.Copy !req
239. He doesn't speak
any English.Copy !req
240. Can I?
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.Copy !req
241. Catching up— okay,
me first.Copy !req
242. I'm in love... ooh,
too much dressing.Copy !req
243. He's from the Philippines.Copy !req
244. I know, I know,
I'm a rice queen.Copy !req
245. So how's the writing
thingie going?Copy !req
246. Terrible. I can't even
get my foot in the door.Copy !req
247. Oh, okay, I have somebody
you have to meet.Copy !req
248. He's a producer. He's great.Copy !req
249. Really? Oh, thanks.Copy !req
250. That would be great.Copy !req
251. So, do you like
Sex in the City?Copy !req
252. Yeah, it's an
all right show.Copy !req
253. I wasn't talking
about the show.Copy !req
254. Ooh, I'm nasty!Copy !req
255. Someone send me
out to sea.Copy !req
256. Ooh... it says hereCopy !req
257. that this is
the actual gutterCopy !req
258. where the policeman
fell over laughingCopy !req
259. after Eddie Murphy told himCopy !req
260. he was just giving the
transvestite a ride home.Copy !req
261. Oh, I think that's me.Copy !req
262. Hello?Copy !req
263. Hey, hey, Peter,
it's Quagmire.Copy !req
264. Oh, hey, Quagmire.Copy !req
265. Guess what? Last night
I had sex with a black chick.Copy !req
266. Uh, I gotta go.Copy !req
267. Huh. Sorry.Copy !req
268. What? All he said
was "black chick."Copy !req
269. Yeah, I know, but your
boyfriend looks likeCopy !req
270. one of your typical
angry black guysCopy !req
271. and I didn't want
to offend him.Copy !req
272. Hey, we cool, G'?Copy !req
273. Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?Copy !req
274. All right.Copy !req
275. I, uh... I was thinking
Halle BerryCopy !req
276. would be perfect
as the camp counselorCopy !req
277. all the kids want
to get with.Copy !req
278. Jasper was right.Copy !req
279. You're very talented.Copy !req
280. You know, I'm having
a brainstorm here.Copy !req
281. Have you ever thought
about directing?Copy !req
282. Oh, just every waking hour!Copy !req
283. Well, I got this movie.Copy !req
284. I'm not going to lie.Copy !req
285. It's a low-budget movie,
but the script is solid.Copy !req
286. My director dropped out
and I need somebodyCopy !req
287. who's smart, ambitious
and not addicted to meth.Copy !req
288. Well, I am smart and ambitious.Copy !req
289. Seriously.Copy !req
290. No, no. I'm clean.Copy !req
291. You know, uh, Musso and Frank's is famous.Copy !req
292. See the bar over there?Copy !req
293. Great writers like Hemmingway
and Faulkner drank there.Copy !req
294. Hey... hey, where'd that guy
who wrote Porky's drink?Copy !req
295. Huh? Huh? Oh, man.Copy !req
296. When that fat broad grabbed that
kid's crank through the hole—Copy !req
297. Ah! Where do they get
their ideas?Copy !req
298. Huh? Where do they get 'em?Copy !req
299. You're the writer. You tell me.Copy !req
300. Oh, boy, this is great.Copy !req
301. All that searching—Copy !req
302. that emptiness I felt
back home— gone.Copy !req
303. I think I've finally found
my life's calling, you know?Copy !req
304. Oh, how wonderful.Copy !req
305. You know, Brian, I've
always found your writingCopy !req
306. to be a little hackneyed
and stiltedCopy !req
307. but I guess that's whyCopy !req
308. I'm not working out
here in Hollywood, huh?Copy !req
309. Oh, congratulations
on all your success.Copy !req
310. Uh... th-thank you.Copy !req
311. Hey, you know what might be
a thrill for you guys?Copy !req
312. Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!Copy !req
313. Yes, but I was talking
about stopping by the setCopy !req
314. to see me in action.Copy !req
315. Brian, could
we really?Copy !req
316. Well, you, uh, you do know
somebody in the business.Copy !req
317. Yes, well, I'm
in the business, too, you know.Copy !req
318. I'm going to be on television.Copy !req
319. Great.Copy !req
320. Yes, and when I make
my appearanceCopy !req
321. I promise you'll all
be talking about itCopy !req
322. at the watercooler
the next day.Copy !req
323. Yeah. Well, good luck with that.Copy !req
324. "Yeah, well, good luck
with that." Yutz.Copy !req
325. ( Woman on phone ):
Hello. I'm trying to reach Peter Griffin.Copy !req
326. You're in him.Copy !req
327. Mr. Griffin, are you happy
with your long distance service?Copy !req
328. Yes, and I'm sick and tiredCopy !req
329. of you people
always calling during dinner.Copy !req
330. I demand to speak
to your supervisor.Copy !req
331. Hold, please.Copy !req
332. Oh, Peter, I love this song.Copy !req
333. Open your mouth.Copy !req
334. Brian. Right on time—
I like that.Copy !req
335. Come in.Copy !req
336. So, ready?Copy !req
337. Ready to shoot
your first scene?Copy !req
338. I sure am.
Where's the set?Copy !req
339. Second door on your left.Copy !req
340. So... this is some kind
of shampoo commercial, right?Copy !req
341. Do I have to sleep
with the dog in this one?Copy !req
342. Hey, can someone fluff Paul?Copy !req
343. He's got, like,
a wind sock thing going on.Copy !req
344. So this is some kind
of shampoo commercial, right?Copy !req
345. Look, Zack, I'm... I'm sorry.Copy !req
346. There's just no way
I can do this.Copy !req
347. I mean, I've been around,
you know, I've...Copy !req
348. I've licked my share
of peanut butterCopy !req
349. but... I-I just... I think
you need to find yourselfCopy !req
350. a new director.Copy !req
351. Are you sure?Copy !req
352. I just can't do this.Copy !req
353. Come on. Is this any more
degrading than washing cars?Copy !req
354. At least here, you
can be creative.Copy !req
355. Look, I... I want to make this
perfectly clear.Copy !req
356. There is absolutely no way
I would possibly considerCopy !req
357. doing something like this.Copy !req
358. Unless I saw a script first.Copy !req
359. Of course.Copy !req
360. You know, this isn't bad.Copy !req
361. It's kind of like
Bang the Drum SlowlyCopy !req
362. Except the drum's
a chick.Copy !req
363. Peter, slow down.Copy !req
364. Brian said he was going
to be on the set all day.Copy !req
365. Ah! "On the set." Listen to me!Copy !req
366. Two days in Hollywood, and I
sound like a contract player.Copy !req
367. Oh, crap— The L.A.P.D.Copy !req
368. Come on, Peter,
want to save some tapeCopy !req
369. for the Hollywood sign.Copy !req
370. Okay. Hey, thanks a lot,
you guys.Copy !req
371. Hey, our pleasure.Copy !req
372. Have a nice vacation, sir.Copy !req
373. Ooh!Copy !req
374. Yes... yes...Copy !req
375. Yes...Copy !req
376. Yes...Copy !req
377. Yes...
Cut.Copy !req
378. Uh, okay. Uh, nice
take, Jenna.Copy !req
379. But, uh, let's try giving the lines
a little subtext this time.Copy !req
380. Your husband's always
away on businessCopy !req
381. and you feel increasingly
isolated and unlovedCopy !req
382. so you begin to thinkCopy !req
383. maybe you should go back
to graduate schoolCopy !req
384. and finish your dissertationCopy !req
385. and that's when you notice
the cable manCopy !req
386. has taken his pants off.Copy !req
387. Oh, wow!Copy !req
388. A real movie set!Copy !req
389. Hey, this house looks
kind of familiar.Copy !req
390. I'll bet Samuel L. Jackson
is here.Copy !req
391. He's in everything.Copy !req
392. There's Brian!Copy !req
393. All right, now, Samuel,
when you lay her downCopy !req
394. in front of the fireplace,
I want you to enter from...Copy !req
395. Oh, my God!Copy !req
396. Uh, h-hey, you guys.Copy !req
397. Hey, Brian.
Can I be in the movie?Copy !req
398. Well, actually, one
of the Jacuzzi girls didn't show up.Copy !req
399. How long can you
hold your breath underwater, sweetie?Copy !req
400. Real long.
One time at Hatch Pond...Copy !req
401. No! Absolutely not.Copy !req
402. This is a closed set.Copy !req
403. You gotta leave.
Get these people out of here... now.Copy !req
404. Oh, what? Now that you're a big
director, we embarrass you?Copy !req
405. No! No, I-I mean, yes.Copy !req
406. Does anyone else
smell Astroglide?Copy !req
407. You're going to look
so handsome.Copy !req
408. Oh, look at these crow's feet.Copy !req
409. My God, you stay up
past 7:30Copy !req
410. and you pay for it
in the morning.Copy !req
411. Who the hell does Brian
think he is?Copy !req
412. Well, maybe he thought
we'd get in the way.Copy !req
413. I mean, it wouldn't be
the first timeCopy !req
414. you've disrupted
a performance.Copy !req
415. Oh, geez! Oh, God!
Oh, God, I didn't see it.Copy !req
416. It jumped right out
in front of my car.Copy !req
417. Oh, I am so sorry.Copy !req
418. I think we just have
to face it, Peter.Copy !req
419. Brian's a big-time
Hollywood directorCopy !req
420. and we're just simple,
small-town people.Copy !req
421. Uh... all right,
one more, one more.Copy !req
422. Rob Lowe.Copy !req
423. Straight.Copy !req
424. - No!
- Yes.Copy !req
425. Come... stop.
Ho-hum.Copy !req
426. Pull over.
Absolutely.Copy !req
427. Really?
Yep.Copy !req
428. Oh, well,
he hides it well.Copy !req
429. Yeah, he wishes.Copy !req
430. Stewie— that's
a funny name— Stewie.Copy !req
431. It's like Stew, only
with an "E" at the end.Copy !req
432. Hmm.Copy !req
433. I meant it's funny, Stewie.Copy !req
434. See, I had an uncle named Stewie
and he used to sell bicycles.Copy !req
435. Look, I'm sorry.Copy !req
436. Aren't you supposed
to be asking me a question?Copy !req
437. Stewie, what do you think
candy is made out of?Copy !req
438. Sunshine and farts!Copy !req
439. What the hell kind
of question is that?Copy !req
440. I love candy!
When I was a little boyCopy !req
441. we would play stickball.Copy !req
442. No, no, I'll wait.Copy !req
443. Oh, are you finished?Copy !req
444. I'm sorry. You know,
it's my fault, really.Copy !req
445. I was under the impression
the name of the show wasCopy !req
446. Kids Say
the Darndest ThingsCopy !req
447. not Old Black Comedians
Never Shut the Hell up.Copy !req
448. Ask me what I want to be
when I grow up.Copy !req
449. And we also used to play
brock-brock.Copy !req
450. Enough of your blather.Copy !req
451. Good evening, world.Copy !req
452. From this moment on,
I will be your...Copy !req
453. Ooh!Copy !req
454. What you got there?Copy !req
455. Oh, you get to go
skiing now!Copy !req
456. Give... give that back
to me!Copy !req
457. They're of no use
to you!Copy !req
458. Oh, I'm going down
the mountain.Copy !req
459. Goo-goo-ga-choo!Copy !req
460. No! Don't listen to him!Copy !req
461. That's not funny!Copy !req
462. That's just saying what happens
when you go skiing!Copy !req
463. Ah!Copy !req
464. Here I go, down
the slope.Copy !req
465. Oh, I'm going zip-zop-
zoopedy-bop!Copy !req
466. Stop it! Stop applauding him!Copy !req
467. He's not even using
real words anymore!Copy !req
468. We'll be back with
a little girl from AtlantaCopy !req
469. who skips rope
with here sister's pigtails!Copy !req
470. No! my segment's not over!Copy !req
471. Come on, little fellow.Copy !req
472. You like to jump rope,
don't you?Copy !req
473. ( robotic, child-like voice :
I like jump rope.Copy !req
474. All right, so you gonna
just sit here and enjoy it.Copy !req
475. I'm going to sit here
and enjoy itCopy !req
476. and I like puddingCopy !req
477. and Ghost Dad was the best
movie I've seenCopy !req
478. since Leonard Part VI.Copy !req
479. Good news, good news!Copy !req
480. What, more people I loveCopy !req
481. think I'm
an arrogant jerk?Copy !req
482. You're more than thatCopy !req
483. Mr. Nominated-for-an-adult
movie-awardCopy !req
484. for-Best-New-Director.Copy !req
485. A Woody? I'm up for a Woody?Copy !req
486. Come on! Call your family!Copy !req
487. I'll bet they'll be
really proud of you.Copy !req
488. No. I'd rather they think
I'm a jerk than a smut peddler.Copy !req
489. Brian, they're your family.Copy !req
490. They'll love you even if you
made a couple of crappy movies.Copy !req
491. I mean, Blythe Danner still
loves Gwyneth Paltrow.Copy !req
492. Ooh! Score one for me.Copy !req
493. Welcome back to E!'s
Adult Video Awards preshow.Copy !req
494. It's a good crowd
here tonight, Mom.Copy !req
495. It sure is, Melissa.Copy !req
496. All the studs and sluts
are arriving.Copy !req
497. Brian! Brian!Copy !req
498. Uh, hey.Copy !req
499. You're nominated for three
of the seven filmsCopy !req
500. you directed yesterday—Copy !req
501. Add Mama to the Train,
The Purple Head of CairoCopy !req
502. and, uh... what was
the third one?Copy !req
503. Uh, You've Got
Male Genitalia.Copy !req
504. You know, I was asked
to star in a porno onceCopy !req
505. but I couldn't because,
you know, most of my bodyCopy !req
506. is less than 18 years old.Copy !req
507. I used to guest-host
the Tonight Show.Copy !req
508. Oh, yeah. What was that,
like 30 years ago?Copy !req
509. Your mic isn't plugged in.Copy !req
510. You're... you're not
even on television right now, are you?Copy !req
511. In my mind...Copy !req
512. The next award is for best
original score in an adult filmCopy !req
513. and the nominees
are Rod Jones...Copy !req
514. Walter Murphy...Copy !req
515. and John Williams.Copy !req
516. Well, you've come a long wayCopy !req
517. from hiding from
the vacuum cleaner.Copy !req
518. Lois!Copy !req
519. Hey, buddy. Hey, how are you,
Alfred Hitchcock... eh? Eh?Copy !req
520. You like that one,
Dick Hurtz?Copy !req
521. Ah, I'm sorry.
I'm already drunk.Copy !req
522. H-how did you guys know... I...?Copy !req
523. Jasper called.
Brian, why didn't you tell us?Copy !req
524. I thought you'd be
ashamed of me.Copy !req
525. Oh, are you kidding?
I ought to knock you outCopy !req
526. for not bringing
me here sooner.Copy !req
527. Look at the pair
on that one, Lois.Copy !req
528. Bigger than your head.Copy !req
529. So you guys aren't offended
by this?Copy !req
530. Well, I can't say
I approve, but...Copy !req
531. we love you.Copy !req
532. If this is what
makes you happyCopy !req
533. we support you.Copy !req
534. My God. I-I thought I needed
to get away from you guysCopy !req
535. to find what was missing
in my life, but...Copy !req
536. the only thing I'm missing
is my family.Copy !req
537. How could I ever have
become involvedCopy !req
538. in this filthy,
degrading business?Copy !req
539. M.C.:
And the award goes to... Brian Griffin.Copy !req
540. Whoo!Copy !req
541. Whoo!Copy !req
542. Oh-ho! Wow! My God!Copy !req
543. This is unexpected.Copy !req
544. I want to thank my incredible
production teamCopy !req
545. who have been me from
Shaving Private RyanCopy !req
546. all the way to
Welcome to my Face...Copy !req
547. He lives with us
back in Quahog.Copy !req
548. You got a nice wiggle,
baby.Copy !req
549. You want to be
in a movie? Huh?Copy !req
550. Little girl-girl
action, maybe?Copy !req
551. Ah! Peter!Copy !req
552. Good luck, buddy.Copy !req
553. I've been barking
up that tree for 17 years.Copy !req
554. Wow, that was
a wonderful tripCopy !req
555. and everyone has something
to remember it by.Copy !req
556. You're going to love it
at our house, Janet Jameison.Copy !req