1. It seems today that all you see
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2. Is violence in movies and sex on TV
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3. But where are those
good old-fashioned values
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4. On which we used to rely?
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5. Lucky there's a family guy
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6. Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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7. All the things that make us
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8. Laugh and cry!
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9. He's a family guy!
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10. Ah, thanks for coming, Lois.
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11. Mark's been trying to get me
to see his one-man show for weeks.
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12. Oh, I think it's wonderful
you're supporting your old pal.
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13. Go long, Eddie, go long.
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14. Further, further.
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15. Ah...
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16. Life sure was crazy,
growing up in Brooklyn.
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17. We had some real characters
in my neighborhood.
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18. Like Frank, the mailman.
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19. Hey, Mark,
the ants for your ant farm came today.
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20. And my friend, Lonny,
that knucklehead.
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21. Yo, Marky!
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22. Let's play some B-ball.
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23. B-ball, that's what we called it.
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24. B-ball.
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25. And my grandma.
Boy, was she something else.
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26. Hey, Marky!
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27. Don't forget to take your cod liver oil.
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28. Great job.
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29. God, what a piece of self-indulgent crap.
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30. All the characters sounded
exactly the same.
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31. Great show, Mark.
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32. Yeah, you captured me perfectly.
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33. Me, too. You are so talented.
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34. That was awful.
You know, with a little practice,
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35. I could act circles around that guy.
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36. Oh, yeah? Well, then, put up or shut up.
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37. "This Thursday, auditions
for the Quahog School of Performing Arts'
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38. upcoming semester."
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39. You should try out.
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40. Oh, you know,
that's not a bad idea, Lois.
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41. Okay, ready for the best acting
you've seen all night?
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42. Mark, wow. What a journey.
Thank you so much.
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43. I... Those three and a half hours
just flew by.
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44. Hey, Santos, Pasqual, listen.
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45. You guys have done
such good work today,
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46. I got a surprise for you.
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47. Doritos. Huh? Not now. Later.
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48. Help! Help!
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49. Oh, my God.
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50. Thank you.
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51. I was boogie boarding,
and I got sucked out by the riptide.
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52. I thought I was a dead man.
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53. Oh, you got to be starving.
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54. Here, eat these.
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55. Oh, my God, he was just floating
out there by himself?
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56. Yep, he was so grateful I saved his life,
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57. he invited us all over for dinner tonight.
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58. - Oh, good, I don't have to cook.
- Oh, no, no.
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59. Go ahead and cook anyway, Lois,
and we'll throw it out.
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60. I don't want you to get rusty.
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61. Say, Peter?
My audition's coming up.
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62. Would you mind listening
to my monologue?
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63. Sure, buddy, let's hear it.
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64. Julie, there's something
I got to tell you...
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65. Ha, that's awesome. Go on.
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66. Um, uh, tell you.
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67. I... I saw Dr. Phil...
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68. Wow, wow, yes, yes. I love it.
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69. Dr. Phillips today.
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70. I might not make it to Christmas.
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71. Oh, yeah, drop the bomb. Drop it.
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72. There's not a dry eye in the house.
Keep going.
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73. No, no, you know what?
I'm going to stop.
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74. Um, maybe we'll work on it later.
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75. Okay, well, just so you know, it was good,
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76. but, uh, I was also being pretty generous.
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77. Well, look at you, you little jaybird.
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78. You want to tell your mommy and daddy
the Griffins are here?
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79. Come on in!
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80. Welcome, Griffins.
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81. Oh, uh, uh...
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82. - We must be early.
Oh, nonsense.
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83. You're right on time.
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84. Oh, my God, she's got hair growing
out of her boobs and up to her head.
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85. You're, uh... You're completely...
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86. Nude? Yes, we're nudists.
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87. Permission to freak out?
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88. Peter, did you know about this?
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89. I... I thought he lost his bathing suit
in the ocean.
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90. So, you're the man
who saved my husband's life.
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91. Dotty Campbell.
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92. Oh, what am I doing? Come here.
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93. Watch my hands, Lois. Look, look.
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94. See where they are? See? No touchy.
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95. And this is the backyard.
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96. Feel that,
that's premium Blue-Tip Bermuda.
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97. Real hardy, but soft.
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98. Oh, good Lord.
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99. Don't look directly into it, Lois.
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100. The hot dogs and burgers are ready.
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101. Can I get you a beer, Peter?
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102. - Uh, what have you got?
- I've got Busch.
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103. Oh, and Busch Lite.
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104. Oh, sounds like Jeff's home.
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105. Hey, sport, how'd you do?
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106. I got first place, Dad.
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107. Way to go, champ.
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108. Jeff plays varsity tennis
for St. Genevieve High.
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109. Oh, cool.
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110. Is this the biggest thing
you've ever seen?
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111. Hey, don't get too cocky.
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112. I had a big one like that
when I was your age.
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113. Oh, you were a showoff,
yourself, Dave.
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114. He brought it out on our first date.
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115. Lois, I'm scared.
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116. Oh, I'll get that.
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117. Hey!
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118. Ah, oh, oh, God!
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119. Oh, Dave, sorry. Uh, oh, God.
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120. - Boobies!
- Chris, that's enough.
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121. Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there.
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122. You said it, Lois.
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123. What those people are doing
just ain't natural.
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124. Boobies!
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125. Did you hear me, young man?
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126. I don't know what the big deal was.
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127. - I thought they were nice.
- Boobies.
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128. - Peter?
- Do it.
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129. Did you have fun
at the circus today, Chris?
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130. Elephants are bigger in person.
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131. Oh, break a leg up there, Brian.
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132. You seem awfully enthusiastic.
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133. Well, at first, I wanted you to fail.
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134. But then, I realized you'd be
out of the house five days a week.
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135. Which means I'd be free
to throw some of my sexy parties.
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136. Brian Griffin?
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137. Good luck, Brian.
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138. Uh, hi... I'm... I'm Brian Griffin.
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139. And this is from John Walts'
Leaving Wichita.
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140. Julie, there's something
I got to tell you.
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141. I saw Dr. Phillips today.
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142. I might not make it to Christmas.
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143. Thank you. Next.
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144. Next? Now, hold on, Brian.
Stay up there. Stay there.
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145. Now, see here.
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146. Brian Griffin is a brilliant actor
with talent and passion.
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147. But you alleged "experts"
obviously didn't notice.
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148. Well, I did notice.
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149. I saw a man bare his soul up here.
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150. And his pain ran through my heart
like an errant locomotive.
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151. But it was wasted,
wasted on all of you.
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152. Well, it looks like we're going
to have to reconsider.
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153. Brian, we want you...
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154. - Yes!
- ... off the stage.
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155. But your young friend there
would make a perfect addition
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156. to the school's Rising Star program.
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157. Oh, splendid.
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158. This calls for a sexy party.
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159. Okay, funcakes, let's do a scene.
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160. Okay, uh, Stewie, how about you?
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161. And, uh, let's see, one of our veterans...
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162. Um, Olivia.
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163. I'm not doing a scene with him.
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164. He's inexperienced.
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165. He'll drag my whole performance down.
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166. Are you serious?
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167. Is she serious?
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168. Ah, okay, Stewie,
I'll give you a solo exercise.
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169. Now, you're going to do a little exercise
we call the "life cycle."
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170. Now, without using words,
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171. you're going to act out your entire life
from birth to death,
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172. exactly as I describe it.
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173. Okay, ready? Lie down.
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174. Now, you're being born.
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175. Ready, and... Burst through the placenta!
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176. Whoo!
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177. Okay, now, fast-forward.
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178. It's your first day of school.
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179. You're alone and scared.
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180. But it's all right, it's all right.
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181. - It's Sloppy Joe day.
- Oh!
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182. Okay, pull it back.
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183. The lady touched the bun,
and she's not wearing gloves.
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184. - Ooh!
- Okay, fast-forward. You're a businessman.
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185. You manage a lot of people.
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186. And here comes Henderson,
and he lost the big account.
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187. You're mad.
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188. Madder!
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189. Madder!
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190. Come on, hot, hot,
hot, hot, hot, ooh.
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191. Ooh, there it is, you got it.
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192. And fast-forward.
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193. You're an old man now.
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194. You're on your deathbed.
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195. Your son is there, holding your hand.
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196. You tell him you accept his lifestyle,
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197. and regret humiliating him
at his only sister's wedding
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198. by introducing him
as your "other daughter."
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199. And... Scene.
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200. Okay, any comments?
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201. You are the weakest link.
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202. Goodbye.
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203. Oh, gosh, that's funny.
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204. That's really fu...
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205. Do... Do you write your own material?
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206. Do you? Because that is so fresh.
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207. "You are the weakest link. Goodbye."
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208. You know, I... I've never heard anyone
make that joke before.
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209. Hmm, you're the first.
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210. I've never heard anyone reference that
outside the program before.
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211. Because that's what she says
on the show, right? Isn't it?
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212. "You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye."
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213. And yet, you've taken that
and used it out of context
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214. to insult me in this everyday situation.
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215. God, what a clever, smart girl you must be
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216. to come up with a joke like that
all by yourself.
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217. Hmm, that's so fresh, too.
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218. Any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me,
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219. as long as we're hitting these phenomena
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220. at the height of their popularity? Hmm?
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221. 'Cause I'm... I'm here.
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222. God, you're so funny!
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223. Meg?
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224. Jeff! Wow, hey, what you doing here?
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225. They had a sale on Super Soakers.
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226. Check it out.
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227. Ah, what the heck?
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228. Nudist!
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229. My dad's a tailor, you jerk!
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230. Oh, gosh, that's awful.
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231. Ah, that's all right.
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232. I'm used to it.
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233. Well, I better go.
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234. So, um, would you want to do
something sometime?
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235. Sure, that'd be great!
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236. Cool. I'll call you later.
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237. Holy moly, it must be my birthday.
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238. Thank you.
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239. Thank you, that...
That was, um... "Me Farting,"
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240. by... By Chopin.
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241. Thank... Thank you.
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242. Thank you very...
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243. Thank you very...
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244. So, Olivia... Beautiful day.
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245. You're not going to fart again, are you?
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246. Well, I'd love to stay and chat,
but you're a total bitch.
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247. The quarterly review's tomorrow.
Think all your kids will pass?
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248. Well, I'll tell you
who's not going to pass.
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249. It starts with an "O"
and rhymes with Bolivia.
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250. Give up? Olivia.
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251. - Really?
- Oh, yeah.
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252. She's such a little frosty box.
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253. She won't work with anybody.
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254. And Stewie Griffin is also on the fence.
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255. If he and Olivia don't deliver
at their quarterly reviews,
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256. I'm just going to have to kick
their cute little bottoms out of here.
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257. Uh, this table is reserved
for people with talent.
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258. Stow the 'tude, queenie!
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259. You and I have a problem!
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260. Read it and weep!
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261. "Doesn't work well with others"?
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262. Yes, mine's no better.
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263. I'll spare you the details.
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264. Suffice it to say
the phrase "garden variety"
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265. appears a number of times.
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266. What am I going to do!
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267. What are we going to do?
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268. Look, our evaluation's tomorrow.
You need someone to work with,
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269. and, well, I need someone
to make me look good.
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270. I don't know...
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271. Well, fine, refuse my offer,
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272. get booted out of this place
and wind up like Linda Evans.
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273. Linda Evans,
we have a spill in aisle nine.
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274. Linda Evans, spill in aisle nine.
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275. Do you like yours with crust or without?
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276. How do you like yours?
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277. Okay, let's both answer at the same time.
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278. One, two, three.
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279. - Without.
- Without.
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280. Holy moly, that's eight things
we have in common!
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281. Kids, we're home.
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282. Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
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283. You guys remember Jeff?
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284. Sure! Lois, I'm going to borrow your mace.
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285. That's better.
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286. So, Meg, did any of the neighbors
see Jeff come over?
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287. Mom! Come on, Jeff,
let's go in the other room.
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288. Now, Meg, no need to get so testes...
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289. Uh, testy.
Oh, nuts!
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290. I mean, crap!
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291. You want to sit down?
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292. Wait a second, don't sit down yet.
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293. Dad, what are you doing?
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294. I'm, uh-uh, keeping the couch fresh.
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295. - Dad!
- It's okay, Meg.
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296. I understand what's going on here.
I'm going to go.
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297. Oh! Just, uh-uh, step on these coasters
on your way out.
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298. Here we go, yeah.
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299. Yeah, don't step on the hot lava.
The carpet is hot lava.
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300. I can't believe you guys!
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301. Meg, how could you bring
that naked kid into our house?
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302. Because I like him.
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303. He remembers my name.
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304. Well, I'm sorry, honey,
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305. but we don't think
you should see him anymore.
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306. Oh, I hate the sound of her crying.
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307. You know what sounds even worse?
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308. Ah, listen to that.
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309. Don't you hate that?
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310. That is awful.
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311. I think it's easier on me,
'cause I'm the one making the sound.
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312. Okay, nice effort, Brad,
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313. but, uh, let's remember
our performance hierarchy,
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314. legitimate theater,
musical theater, stand-up,
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315. ventriloquism, magic, mime.
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316. All right, next up is Olivia.
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317. Liv, what monologue
are you doing for us this time?
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318. I'm not doing a monologue.
I'm doing a piece with Stewie.
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319. A duet? Really?
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320. Well, let's see it.
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321. Uh, five, six, seven, eight...
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322. Who's got the greatest gal around?
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323. You do! Who's got
the sweetest man in town?
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324. You do.
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325. Who's got a guy
who makes her smile all day?
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326. By the way, I'm not so bad
to look at either.
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327. Who's got a guy with lots of brains?
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328. You do! Who's got a girl
who loves chow mein?
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329. You do!
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330. Who's got the greatestlove in the world?
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331. - You do!
- And you do!
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332. Thank goodness I've got you!
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333. Who's got a guy to tell her jokes?
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334. You do! Who's got a girl
to show the folks?
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335. You do!
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336. Who's got a girl
he'd like to one day undress?
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337. Give it a rest!
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338. I told you not until we're married
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339. Who's got the gal with all the snazz?
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340. You do! Who's got the fella
with pizzazz?
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341. You do! Who's got the greatest love
in the world?
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342. You do!
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343. And you do!
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344. Thank goodness
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345. I've got you!
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346. Watch this. Are you watching?
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347. That's for me ever having doubted you.
"A" plus!
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348. And that's for you wearing purple pants
with blue socks. Ew!
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349. I totally called him on it.
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350. Okay, no secrets.
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351. I want to share Stewie
and Olivia with the world.
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352. Well, they're awfully young.
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353. Is this really a good idea?
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354. It's a great idea.
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355. I've always dreamed
of becoming an actress,
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356. but that's not why
I'm pushing Olivia to do it.
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357. Is it suspicious
that I brought that up unprovoked?
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358. Well, I guess it might be okay.
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359. Sure, Lois, I mean, look at Elroy Jetson.
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360. He was a child actor
and he turned out just fine.
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361. You know who I am?
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362. I'm Elroy Jetson.
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363. Yeah, yeah, come back
when you have some money.
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364. Take him home, BamBam.
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365. Bam, bam, bam.
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366. I don't want to go home.
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367. Take me to Astro's grave.
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368. You do!
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369. And you do!
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370. Thank goodness
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371. I've got you!
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372. Do you hear that?
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373. They love us.
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374. Yes, we're a hit! You were amazing!
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375. Oh, so were you.
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376. Well, it was a good crowd.
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377. They didn't even notice
that you missed that F-sharp.
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378. Yes, well... Beg pardon?
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379. The F-sharp, darling.
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380. You were just slightly off.
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381. I'm pretty sure I wasn't.
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382. Oh, well, maybe it was me.
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383. Must have been you.
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384. I was being sarcastic.
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385. Well, it wasn't me.
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386. Well, it wasn't me.
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387. Like this, listen to me!
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388. Oh, hi, Meg.
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389. Peter, do you think
maybe it was unfair of us
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390. to tell Meg she couldn't see that boy?
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391. Oh, completely. We totally reamed her.
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392. Did you see that look in her eyes?
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393. She hates you.
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394. Well, there it is, kids.
Your first marquee. Meet you inside.
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395. Pretty exciting.
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396. What? The marquee or the other thing?
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397. What other thing?
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398. You know, the sex with Simon.
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399. Why else would your name be first?
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400. Well, it's obvious.
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401. You know, lead with strength,
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402. put your best foot forward,
et cetera, et cetera.
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403. So, the sex was good?
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404. Oh, shut up, you egotistical jerk!
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405. You shut up, you sack-bellied strumpet!
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406. Blimp-headed jackass!
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407. Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant!
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408. Thank goodness
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409. I've got you!
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410. Jeff! What are you doing here?
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411. Look, I'm not supposed to see you.
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412. Your parents invited me.
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413. My parents? But they wouldn't...
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414. Yes, we would.
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415. Oh, my God! What are you doing?
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416. We were wrong, Meg.
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417. If you like Jeff,
we should give him a chance.
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418. Yeah, and we wanted him
to feel welcome in our home.
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419. Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman.
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420. Hey, why is everybody else naked?
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421. Yahtzee! I win!
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422. Yeah, in your face! In your face!
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423. In your face!
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424. Uh, I got to get going.
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425. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
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426. Our pleasure, Jeff.
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427. Nice hanging with you, Jeff.
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428. I'm sorry about my parents.
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429. I hope they didn't embarrass you.
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430. Are you kidding? I think they're great.
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431. It took a lot of guts
for them to do what they did.
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432. I'll see you later.
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433. Thanks, you guys.
That was really cool.
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434. Hey, Peter, can I borrow your lawnmow...
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435. Ah. You folks got a towel?
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436. Simon, would you be a dear,
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437. and ask Stewie to dance
on his own feet tonight?
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438. Pardon me, Simon,
could you provide Olivia with a bucket,
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439. so she can carry a tune?
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440. People, people, stop this craziness.
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441. The critic from the Providence Journal
is here.
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442. If he gives us a good review,
the doors are going to fly open.
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443. Now, go get them, my little silly-billies.
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444. All right, let's just get through this.
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445. Fine with me.
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446. Wait a minute.
You're wearing ruby lipstick.
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447. You're painted up
like some attention-grabbing Jezebel.
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448. Well, you're one to talk.
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449. You've been stuffing your diaper
since day one.
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450. It's where I keep my peppermint Mentos.
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451. Just because your breath reeks
of rotten Lunchables
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452. doesn't mean mine has to.
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453. Break it up. Break it up!
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454. I don't need this act
and I don't need you.
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455. You've done nothing but hold me back.
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456. I quit!
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457. The only thing
I've held you back from is failure.
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458. Come on, Simon,
we don't need that little Bebe No-worth.
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459. I don't know, Stewie.
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460. Without Olivia, this act
is like Fire Island after Labor Day.
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461. Over.
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462. Fine, I don't need you.
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463. I can manage my own career.
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464. Yes... Yes, I'm...
I'm quite capable of that.
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465. I got my top hat and cane
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466. And a pocketful of miracles
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467. Pocketful of miracles
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468. Pocketful...
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469. Would somebody get a hook?
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470. This is worse than Seussical!
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471. No, no, wait, wait.
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472. I was about to do this thing.
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473. Oh, hello. Didn't notice you there.
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474. You know, it's not easy
living with my family.
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475. A bunch of characters they are.
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476. Like my father...
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477. "Holy crap, Lois, check out
the freakin' log in the toilet."
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478. Get off the stage!
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479. Oh, what do you say, Bernie?
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480. Two nights at the old rate?
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481. Like I told you before, kid,
I can't book you without Olivia.
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482. But that's the good news.
We're back together.
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483. She's right here.
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484. Hi, Bernie, glad to be back.
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485. Ask Stewie about his sexy parties.
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486. "Ask Stewie about his sexy parties."
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487. What were you thinking?
I was just trying...
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488. I'm not speaking to you.
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489. - But, Stewie.
- Shut up!
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490. I guess... I guess the best advice I got
was from Martin Scorsese.
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491. Um, I was having a problem
understanding why I'd be taking abuse
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492. from this lower-ranking officer
played by Chris O'Donnell,
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493. and he told me,
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494. "You don't have to understand it,
your character does."
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495. Oh, that always stuck with me.
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496. Stewie?
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497. Olivia, what are you doing here?
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498. Oh, I must be an absolute mess.
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499. The studio made me fire my makeup girl.
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500. Oh, I, um...
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501. I just wanted to stop by
and see how you were doing.
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502. I had heard some things.
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503. Oh, that it's going great for me?
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504. Well, you heard right.
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505. Oh, glad to hear that.
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506. But, hey, um...
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507. You know, if you're not busy, um...
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508. What say you and I
get the old team back together?
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509. Well, actually, I can't.
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510. I'm on my way to Hollywood.
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511. I got this part in a movie, and...
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512. Oh, oh, oh, what am I thinking?
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513. I... I, you know... I'd love to,
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514. but I... I just... I'm booked solid.
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515. I'm doing a three-episode guest shot
on The Gilmore Girls.
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516. I play Rory's
motorcycle-driving boyfriend.
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517. He's a bad boy at heart, you know?
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518. But there's... There's some good
in there, Olivia,
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519. and it comes through absolutely.
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520. That's really good to hear, Stewie.
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521. Please, take care of yourself.
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522. See you on the coast.
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523. So, did you let him have it?
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524. No, he let himself have it.
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525. This is it.
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526. Hey, uh, how you doing, kid?
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527. Are you from wardrobe?
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528. No, no, it's me, Brian.
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529. I brought what you wanted,
but they wouldn't let me leave it.
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530. So, uh...
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531. Hit it once, please? Just once?
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532. Oh, my God, I was flat.
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533. All right, then, help me up.
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534. Let's go home.
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