Family Guy 3x17

Directed by Pete Michels • Dan Povenmire

A.J. Benza as Self (voice) • Butch Hartman as (voice) • Melora Hardin as Patsy Ramsey (voice • Phil LaMarr as Judge (voice) • Adam West as Mayor Adam West (voice) • A.J. Benza as A.J. Benza (voice) • Adam West as Adam West (voice) • Patrick Warburton as Joe Swanson (voice)

Brian is sentenced to care for a crabby old woman; Peter's beard becomes a home for birds.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. So, uh... tell me about yourself, Tina.

2. Well, I really love music.

3. Oh, God. Me, too.

4. You know, I just saw Don Giovanni.

5. In my opinion, the best opera of the 18th century.

6. Definitely.

7. And the use of recitative throughout...

8. Mozart was a genius.

9. Oh, yeah, reci-ta-teev is really, you know, where it's at.

10. Sir, are we ready to order?

11. Whoa, whoa. Hold on a second.

12. You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

13. Sure, I do.

14. Opera is bitchin'!

15. Um... okay, I guess I'll have the es-car-got

16. and a glass of cha-bliss.

17. ( sighs ): Same here.

18. Es-car-got and the cha-bliss.

19. Don't dawdle, Jonas.

20. Play your exercises.

21. Brian, you're home early.

22. What happened with your date?

23. Same thing that always happens.

24. She was an idiot.

25. Oh, Brian.

26. Don't slow down, Jonas.

27. Keep the rhythm.

28. Very good, Jonas.

29. I'll see you next week.

30. So what is it, Brian?

31. You don't think these women understand you?

32. You know, Lois, I'm really not comfortable

33. talking about this a-melodically.

34. Peter, I was wondering if you could...

35. Shh! Hang on a second, Lois.

36. And now back to The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams.

37. Um... Grizzly... who's Steve?

38. What?

39. There's a message on the machine

40. from somebody named Steve.

41. Oh, yeah. Steve.

42. Um... he's, uh... new to the mountain.

43. I met him down at the general store.

44. He makes canoes.

45. Oh.

46. How come I've never met him?

47. Mmm... He hasn't really been here that long.

48. Long enough to get your number!

49. Ben... Ben!

50. Damn it.

51. Look at that Grizzly Adams, huh?

52. Look at how confident he is— how majestic.

53. Lois, I'm going to grow a beard.

54. Oh, Peter, you know I hate beards.

55. No, no, Lois.

56. It's time I joined the ranks of great men with beards.

57. Why do you think Jesus Christ was so popular? Huh?

58. 'Cause... 'cause of all them magic tricks?

59. Listen, Brian's very depressed.

60. Could you and the guys take him with you

61. to the laser rock show tonight?

62. Sure. If there's one thing I'm good at doing

63. it's cheering people up.

64. Mr. and Mrs. Ramsey

65. Jon-Benet's untimely death is a tragedy

66. and I will not rest until I find her killer.

67. Or killers.

68. Oh, really, don't... don't bother.

69. Nothing's going to bring our baby back.

70. No, no, no. I insist.

71. I will make it my life's work to find out...

72. We're fine! Just drop it!

73. The next laser rock show will begin in 20 minutes.

74. You hear that, Brian?

75. A laser rock show!

76. Come on. Cheer up, would you?

77. Aw, I don't much feel like it.

78. Binary code is the language of computers

79. in which words are translated

80. into sequences of zeros and ones.

81. Anything at all can be expressed in binary

82. as we demonstrate in this famous scene from The Miracle Worker.

83. Zero-one-one-zero. One-zero-zero-one.

84. Zero-one-one-zero. One-zero-zero-one.

85. Zero-one-one-zero. One-zero-zero-one.

86. Zero-one! Zero-one!

87. What? You don't think this is amazing?

88. When I saw this at the 1904 World's Fair

89. I nearly crapped my pants!

90. All right! Virtual reality!

91. Whoa! You guys got to try this!

92. Hey, look at me!

93. I'm a pole in a strip club!

94. Oh! It's show time!

95. Uh... Oh, no! Oh, no!

96. Oh! Oh! Hey, stop!

97. False alarm!

98. Oh, my God! I'm... I'm flying!

99. I'm flying!

100. Yes, I'll have a Diet Sprite.

101. You are a filthy whore.

102. Okay, Johnny Depp or Richard Grieco?

103. Oh, that's gross!

104. Yeah. Let's not do this.

105. Come on. If you're secure in your masculinity

106. you can answer a simple hypothetical.

107. All right, Johnny Depp

108. 'cause he kind of looks like a chick, I guess.

109. What about you, Peter?

110. Oh, man. Uh... uh... well, I don't know.

111. Richard Grieco would probably appreciate you more.

112. You know, not take you for granted.

113. I mean, with Johnny Depp, it's like...

114. it's like he wouldn't really need you, you know?

115. He'd probably sneak out after you fell asleep.

116. Of course, with Johnny

117. you'd get the financial security.

118. I... I'd go with Johnny.

119. Oh, great.

120. Brian.

121. Uh... hey, Joe. How's it going?

122. Pretty good.

123. You were doing a little swerving back there.

124. Yeah. Yeah, well, you know

125. me and the boys were just, uh...

126. Whoa! You're off the meter, Brian!

127. You're under arrest.

128. Oh, come on.

129. Move it!

130. Are one of you guys all right to drive?

131. Um... yeah. I can do it.

132. Great. I'll met you at the Drunken Clam.

133. We'll tie one on.

134. I'm very disappointed in you.

135. God! A DUI.

136. I can't believe this.

137. I could actually go to jail.

138. It's okay, Brian.

139. You'll get through this DUI

140. and you'll be a better person for it.

141. Now, hold on a minute!

142. Don't disguise his alcohol dependence

143. as a ticket to self-realization.

144. Look, you're not one to talk.

145. You remember that time I gave you apple juice

146. and told you it was wine?

147. I think you are a special person.

148. Thanks.

149. No, now, come on.

150. I'm... I'm being... I'm being serious.

151. I'm going to be serious here for... for a second.

152. Are you... are you going... are you going to listen to me?

153. Are you going to listen to me so...

154. so I can tell you that I respect you?

155. Now, Brian, I know this is a bad time for you.

156. And if I have any advice to give you

157. it is this: grow a beard.

158. Peter, I wish you'd shave that thing.

159. Beards are so ugly.

160. Hey!

161. Oh, relax, Wooly Willy.

162. There's lots of fun things you can do with that.

163. There we go.

164. Thanks.

165. On the charge of driving

166. under the influence, this court finds you guilty.

167. Yes! Good call!

168. Churn the butter! Ooh-ooh!

169. In lieu of jail time

170. I sentence you to 100 hours of community service.

171. Next item.

172. Dearly beloved

173. we are gathered here to join these two

174. in holy matrimony.

175. If anyone objects to this union

176. speak now or forever hold your peace.

177. Quiet down.

178. You had your chance.

179. So what do you have to do for your community service?

180. I got assigned to the Outreach to the Elderly Program.

181. I got to take care of some old woman

182. who hasn't been out of her house in 30 years.

183. When I got caught at school

184. with my hand down my pants

185. I had to keep it there for a whole week.

186. Ha! What a week!

187. I guess taking care of this old woman

188. will be just like baby-sitting, only with bigger diapers.

189. Aha! So they do make bigger diapers!

190. That deceitful woman told me

191. I'd have to learn to use the toilet!

192. Well, fie on the toilet!

193. It's made slaves of you all.

194. I've seen it sitting in there:

195. lazy, slothful, porcelain layabout

196. feeding on other people's doo-doos

197. while contributing nothing of its own to society.

198. You get a job!

199. Uh... Pearl Burton?

200. Uh... my name's Brian.

201. I'm here from the Outreach to the Elderly Program.

202. You're late.

203. Ah! What the hell is this?

204. Delousing powder.

205. Everyone on the outside is filthy.

206. You could have given me some warning.

207. Here's your warning.

208. It's going to burn like hell in 30 seconds.

209. Now, I like my tea at 4:00 and my dinner at 6:00.

210. And I take my bath at 7:00 sharp

211. so I can listen to Paul Harvey.

212. You will warm up my bathwater

213. with quick bursts from the faucet

214. during commercials only.

215. It'll take you a while to get the rhythm.

216. Paul Harvey moves seamlessly into commercials.

217. By the way, it's been 30 seconds.

218. Peter, stop scratching that thing.

219. I can't. It's itching like crazy.

220. Dad, can I scratch your beard?

221. Have you finished your homework?

222. Yes.

223. Okay, then.

224. Brian, you've been awfully quiet.

225. Is the community service not going that well?

226. Oh, Lois, it's horrible.

227. I was cleaning her house all day.

228. It's the worst job I've ever had.

229. Well, except for one.

230. Uh... excuse me.

231. Would you like to taste my smoked meat log?

232. Here you go.

233. Enjoy your food.

234. Enjoy your studio apartment.

235. Peter, you got a little something right here.

236. Where? Here?

237. No, no, no. Other side.

238. Over here? Left side, Peter.

239. Your other left side, Peter.

240. Up a little. Do I have it?

241. Is it gone? Up a little.

242. Now go down. Is it gone?

243. ( screaming ): Oh, my God!

244. Is it gone?

245. Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!

246. Hold still! Hold still!

247. Wait! Don't touch that bird!

248. What's it to you, pal?

249. I'm Dr. Goodman of the Quahog Ornithological Society

250. ironically dining in a restaurant

251. that exclusively serves poultry.

252. Doctor, what is this?

253. Oh, it's a very rare species:

254. the endangered White-Rumped Swallow.

255. ( giggling ): Rump.

256. This isn't funny, Chris!

257. ( giggling ): Swallow.

258. Look, just get rid of this bird, all right?

259. Unfortunately, I can't do that.

260. Once the swallow has chosen its nesting place

261. it's illegal to disturb it.

262. But he can't walk around with a bird in his beard.

263. I'm sorry. You have to wait

264. until the bird departs of its own accord

265. or you'll be prosecuted

266. to the full extent of the law.

267. Wow! You sure know a lot of stuff.

268. It's great to learn.

269. 'Cause knowledge is power!

270. What is this? Spit soup?

271. Tomato bisque.

272. What is this? Snot soup?

273. Tomato bisque.

274. What is this? Diarrhea soup?

275. I'm not making you anything else

276. so just eat it. All right?

277. Fine. Then I'll have to call the judge

278. and that means you'll go to jail!

279. You're one phone call away

280. from getting a human booster shot from a guy named Molly.

281. - Damn it all! - Shh!

282. - Shh! - Shh!

283. - Sorry. Sorry. - ( bird squawking )

284. Shut up!

285. Keep it down!

286. There's nothing I can do, all right?

287. Take it outside, pal!

288. Look, it's an endangered species!

289. What am I supposed to do?

290. I'll make you an endangered species!

291. Oh, oh, good comeback, Potsie!

292. I'll kick your ass, that's what I'll do!

293. Look, everybody just shut up!

294. He has stopped squawking.

295. He's receded into my beard.

296. We can all watch the movie!

297. Shut up!

298. Eric, if you're in here

299. we're all going to Marty's after the movie.

300. Oh, I love you so much.

301. I love you, too, honey.

302. What's wrong?

303. That's it! You're history, pal!

304. No bird Frenches my wife

305. and gets away with it!

306. Help! Help! I've broken my hip!

307. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

308. Brian!

309. 5.3 seconds.

310. I could have been dead by now!

311. What, you mean you're not...

312. I heard you drop that lightbulb, too.

313. That'll be 67 cents.

314. Now, go warm me up some of that diarrhea soup!

315. That's it! I have had it with you, you old hag!

316. Y-You're just a-a miserable, dried-up shut-in

317. trying to make everyone else feel as bad as you do.

318. Why don't you do the world a big favor and drop dead!

319. Uh, this last one won't open.

320. You got to jiggle it a little bit.

321. Like... like this?

322. Nah, here, let me get it.

323. Oh, thanks.

324. And, uh, and, you know, drop dead.

325. Get out of my beard, you squawking bastard!

326. ( sighing ): Nothing.

327. Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this.

328. Oh, my God! Peter, no!

329. Lois, the bird must die!

330. It's gone! It's gone! Oh, thank God!

331. - ( chirping ) - Peter, what's that sound?

332. Oh, my God, they're babies.

333. Hey, look, Lois—

334. there are three of them— just like ours.

335. And, uh...

336. Sweet!

337. We now return to E!'s Mysteries and Scandals:

338. "Pearl Burton, the Jingle Queen."

339. Pearl?

340. I'm A.J. Benza.

341. You won't find Pearl Burton's name

342. on the Hollywood Walk of Fame

343. yet from 1945 to 1960

344. you couldn't turn on a radio or television

345. without hearing one of her trademark jingles.

346. At her peak, Pearl Burton earned 26 grand a year

347. which by today's standards

348. would be just under $49 billion.

349. Brian, she's beautiful.

350. Yeah, and-and that voice— I... I had no idea.

351. In 1961, Pearl used an appearance at Carnegie Hall

352. to make the leap from jingle singer to artist.

353. That's "Habanera" from Carmen.

354. I've never heard it sung so beautifully.

355. Sing Coppertone!

356. Yeah, Coppertone!

357. Do Doan's Pills!

358. Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder!

359. No one has seen Pearl Burton

360. since that fateful night over 30 years ago.

361. She's presumed dead.

362. My God. And I said all those awful things to her.

363. ( gasping : Pearl!

364. Come on, Pearl, don't do this!

365. You should be happy.

366. I'm taking your advice and doing the world a big favor.

367. Now, move! Your fur is making my feet sweat.

368. Pearl, listen to me. I heard you sing.

369. It was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life.

370. Oh, sure, warbling for Vicks VapoRub and Dippity Do.

371. No, no, Pearl, I mean...

372. Oh, stop trying to talk me out of it.

373. I'm a pathetic sellout.

374. No one who sings Carmen like you is pathetic.

375. What?

376. I-I heard you sing "Habanera."

377. You were sublime.

378. You... you liked my aria?

379. I was overwhelmed.

380. You're the first person

381. who ever complimented my "Habanera."

382. Thank you.

383. Well, I'd, uh, I'd better get going.

384. I'll, uh... I'll see you tomorrow.

385. But you're not scheduled tomorrow.

386. I know.

387. "And then the cow came out of the barn."

388. See? See? Look— there's the cow.

389. Now, what does a cow say?

390. ( chirping ) Yes, yes that's right—

391. a cow says peep, peep, peep, peep.

392. You know, Peter, they're getting awfully big. So?

393. So every good mother knows

394. when it's time for her babies to leave the nest.

395. Hey, they're free to go anytime they want.

396. Aah!

397. Fine, I'll let them go.

398. Pearl, do you rent or own?

399. Own what?

400. Those wings, you angel.

401. That was fantastic.

402. That was so incredible!

403. So, what do you want for dinner?

404. I was thinking about making us that lamb and rice you love.

405. You know, Pearl, what I'd really like for dinner

406. is, uh, to go out.

407. Brian, you know I can't do that.

408. I haven't left this house in such a long time.

409. I'm afraid.

410. I know, but I'll be with you.

411. I don't know...

412. Come on, Pearl, there's so much you've missed

413. in the last 30 years.

414. In fact, allow me to fill you in.

415. There's lots of things you may have missed.

416. Like Peewee and his famous wrist.

417. Or Sandy Duncan's creepy phony eye.

418. That awesome Thundercats cartoon.

419. Neil Armstrong landing on the moon.

420. Neil Armstrong? Wait, was he the trumpet guy?

421. Brian, I've missed so much!

422. I wouldn't be standing here right now if it wasn't for you!

423. She's right in here, sir.

424. Just tell the disorderly when you're ready to leave.

425. Uh, don't you mean the orderly?

426. No, I mean the disorderly.

427. That's a little doctor joke we like to make around here.

428. We also like Kevin Pollak.

429. Oh, my God, Pearl...

430. Brian, I don't have much time.

431. God, I never should've made you leave the house.

432. This is all my fault.

433. Shh-shh-shh. Don't be so hard on yourself.

434. Aside from the truck part

435. this was the best day of my life.

436. I only wish we could have a little more time together.

437. We can.

438. Good-bye, kids.

439. Good-bye, Pearl.

440. Hey! Who wants to see a dead body?

441. Rough week, eh?

442. I've seen better.

443. Hey, Brian, looks like somebody's checking you out.

444. No, I'm... I'm not ready yet.

445. Hey, you're getting some looks yourself.

446. Eh, I-I'm not ready, either.