Family Guy 3x16

Directed by Pete Michels • Brian Hogan

Ace Frehley as Ace Frehley (voice) • Paul Stanley as Paul Stanley (voice) • Wally Wingert as (voice) • Gene Simmons as Gene Simmons (voice) • Patrick Warburton as Joe Swanson (voice) • Wally Wingert as Man (voice) • Wally Wingert as Y2K Crown (voice)

Christmas comes to Quahog! While Lois attempt to make the holidays perfect for the Griffin family, Peter messes it up. Meanwhile, Stewie learns of Santa Claus’ ability to keep 24-hour surveillance on all the world’s children.

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!req Family Guy 3x16 [02:32]
!req Family Guy 3x16 [Family Guy 3x16]
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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. MERRY CHRISTMAS, DUDE.

2. DON'T PUT IT IN YOUR NOSE.

3. IT BURNS LIKE HELL.

4. MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY.

5. I'D LIKE TO THANK

6. FOR DECORATING OUR TREE.

7. OOH, BROKE MY HIP.

8. LOOK, HONEY, THERE'S THE MANGER

9. PAGEANT.

10. YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE THE CUTEST BABY JESUS EVER.

11. SO, YOU WANT TO DRESS ME UP

12. LIKE A CIRCUS POODLE, HMM?

13. WELL, LET ME CONSULT MY AGENT, MR. IRVING R. POINTY-STICK!

14. OH, STEWIE.

15. BEFORE DINNER.

16. MOM, I'M FREEZING.

17. CAN WE GO HOME?

18. IN A MINUTE.

19. AT THIS BEAUTIFUL TREE?

20. PROMISES.

21. ON THAT SILENT WINTER'S NIGHT.

22. HEY, I'M ON VACATION!

23. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESUS!

24. BRIAN, YOU'RE

25. I MADE YOU.

26. UH, WELL, IT'S A LITTLE WARM IN HERE.

27. "DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL."

28. DOESN'T GET MUCH GAYER THAN THIS.

29. PETER, TOMORROW'S

30. AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN US A TREE.

31. LOIS, I TOLD YOU

32. I'M ON DIPS O' LUSCIOUS VACATION.

33. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

34. COME ON, HONEY.

35. IT'S THE ONLY THING I'VE ASKED YOU TO DO.

36. PLEASE?

37. BRIAN, TAPE THIS FOR ME.

38. SORRY, THE VCR HASN'T WORKED

39. MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.

40. FOOTBALL LEAGUE?

41. JUST ABC.

42. WELL, IF YOU

43. I'LL MAKE SURE SANTA BRINGS YOU A NEW VCR.

44. PLEASE?

45. AH, CRAP.

46. HOW COME I... COMMERCIAL!

47. HEY, MOM,

48. TO ADD TO MY CHRISTMAS LIST.

49. JEWELED BUG BARRETTES.

50. NOT COSTUME, REAL.

51. WRITE THAT DOWN?

52. HONEY, SANTA GOT ALL HIS SHOPPING DONE BEFORE THE RUSH.

53. I THINK YOU'LL BE VERY HAPPY.

54. PEACE ON EARTH.

55. THAT'S BETTER THAN BEING SELFISH LIKE MEG, RIGHT?

56. GET MORE THAN HER.

57. HERE'S A TREE—

58. AND TO ALL, SHUT THE HELL UP.

59. AH-AH-AH! BEFORE

60. WE'RE DUE AT JOE AND BONNIE'S FOR EGGNOG.

61. LOIS, CAN'T WE TELL THEM THAT YOUR MOTHER DIED?

62. PETER, I'M NOT

63. LIKE THAT.

64. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'LL KILL YOUR MOTHER.

65. GOD, WHEN DID CHRISTMAS BECOME SO COMPLICATED?

66. SO, UH, YOU GUYS KNOW THAT RUDOLPH IS ON, RIGHT?

67. PETER!

68. GINGERBREAD HOUSE, LOIS.

69. OH, YEAH, IT'S PERFECT

70. FOR ALL THE HAPPY, ACTIVE GINGERBREAD MEN...

71. WITH NO LEGS!

72. TELLING THEIR KIDS NOT TO STARE.

73. "HOW DOES HIS PEE-PEE WORK, MOMMY?"

74. WELL, I GOT NEWS FOR YOU, BECKY—

75. NOT SO WELL!

76. JOE, YOU PROMISED.

77. IT'S CHRISTMAS.

78. UH, JOE HAD HIS ACCIDENT AT CHRISTMASTIME.

79. YES!

80. TIME TO GO A-WASSAILING.

81. HEY, PETER!

82. HI, I'M PRANCER.

83. HEY, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE JOE ALONG?

84. YEAH, LOIS, THAT'LL

85. ON ONTOLOGICAL EMPIRICISM.

86. - WHAT? - WHAT?

87. HONEY, HE COULD USE SOME CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.

88. FOR ME? PLEASE?

89. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

90. BUT YOU OWE ME.

91. LATER, UNDER THE MISTLETOE.

92. OPEN MOUTH, NO MATTER HOW DRUNK I AM.

93. PETER, THE GIFTS ARE HIDDEN IN THE TRUNK.

94. DON'T FORGET TO DROP OFF THE ONE FOR "TOYS FOR TODDLERS."

95. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

96. A BEER.

97. HEADS UP!

98. UH, PETER, ONE OF US HAS TO BE

99. AND I'VE ALREADY

100. YOU'RE IT.

101. THAT'S A GOOD ONE, JOE.

102. WAY TO GET INTO THE SPIRIT.

103. I'M A COP FIRST

104. SO DON'T THINK I WOULDN'T THROW

105. ASS IN THE SLAMMER!

106. ALL RIGHT! LET'S WASSAIL!

107. STEWIE, HONEY

108. TIME FOR BED.

109. TOMORROW, BABY JESUS.

110. TRUST ME, WOMAN,

111. UNTIL THE BUBBLES STOPPED!

112. OOH, SOMEONE'S BEING NAUGHTY, NOT NICE.

113. YOU KNOW SANTA'S WATCHING YOU.

114. WHAT THE DEVIL DO YOU MEAN, "WATCHING"?

115. WELL, HONEY, SANTA'S "MAKING A LIST

116. IT TWICE."

117. "HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING."

118. "AND HE KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE."

119. BUT HE'S MAGIC.

120. IMPOSSIBLE!

121. UNLESS...

122. HIDDEN CAMERAS.

123. OH, VERY CLEVER!

124. IF I'M NAUGHTY, ARE YOU?

125. THEN CHECK THIS TWICE!

126. ROCK ON!

127. HEY, HEY, GUYS, CHECK ME OUT.

128. WHOA!

129. WHOA!

130. WHOA!

131. WH-WHOA!

132. OH, NO!

133. OH, NO!

134. I'VE BROKEN MY LEGS!

135. THAT'S ABOUT AS FUNNY AS SINBAD.

136. NOT THE COMEDIAN, HE'S HILARIOUS— THE SAILOR.

137. BUT, THEN AGAIN, HE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE FUNNY.

138. NOW, COME ON, I GOT TO GO

139. TO FREAKIN' "TOYS FOR TODDLERS."

140. SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY'S GOT A "HUMBUG" UP HIS BUTT.

141. HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD SET HIM UP

142. SNOW CONE, EH?

143. OH, THANKS.

144. DIDN'T TASTE LIKE LEMON AT ALL.

145. IT TASTED LIKE...

146. OH, YOU GUYS ARE ASSES.

147. I KNEW YOU WERE AWAKE.

148. YOU.

149. NOW, STEWIE, YOU ARE

150. IN MY POWER.

151. NO, DAMN YOU!

152. DAMN YOU, LET ME GO!

153. GOOD, MELVIN.

154. NICE WORK, WOODROW.

155. EXCELLENT, STEWIE.

156. OH, IT'S JUST A DREAM.

157. I NEEDN'T FEAR THIS SANTA.

158. HE'D HAVE THE TESTICULAR FORTITUDE TO SHOW HIMSELF!

159. SEE?

160. I'M JUST BARKING IN THE DARK.

161. NO ONE HERE BUT ME.

162. ALL RIGHT, WHERE IS IT?

163. WHERE'S THE WIRE?

164. SHOW YOURSELF, CLAUS!

165. STEWIE, GO TO SLEEP.

166. THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU, LOIS!

167. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO COME IN THERE.

168. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO COME IN THERE!

169. SHH! DAD'S AWAKE.

170. DON'T BOTHER WHISPERING, I DON'T HAVE A HANGOVER.

171. IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.

172. SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE YOUR SWEATER ON?

173. THAT'S FOR LETTING JOE

174. YOUR REINDEER GAMES.

175. NOW, YOU GO RELAX

176. A BIG STACK OF PANCAKES.

177. IF I'M SLEEPING, STUFF THEM IN MY MOUTH AND RUB MY THROAT.

178. LOIS!

179. OF THE TRUNK.

180. AREN'T YOU GOING TO DO IT?

181. IT'S ALREADY DONE.

182. AT "TOYS FOR TODDLERS" LAST NIGHT.

183. ALL?

184. PETER, ONLY ONE GIFT WAS FOR CHARITY.

185. WERE FOR THE FAMILY.

186. NO, THE REST WERE FROM THE FAMILY.

187. WEREN'T... WEREN'T THEY?

188. AW, CRAP.

189. "FOR" TO "FROM"?

190. ABOUT IT LAST NIGHT.

191. WHY WASN'T I TOLD?

192. "FOR PETER" ON IT

193. SO YOU MUST'VE THOUGHT IT WAS "FROM" YOU

194. SO YOU DIDN'T, UH...

195. YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST EASIER TO CALL YOU "STUPID."

196. YOU'RE REALLY GOING

197. ON CHRISTMAS EVE?

198. YEP. NOW, HERE'S THE PLAN—

199. YOU'LL ENTER THROUGH THE AIR CONDITIONING DUCT HERE.

200. NOW, THERE'LL BE

201. SO YOU'LL HAVE TO COMPRESS

202. LIKE SOME KIND OF WEIRD, AMPHIBIOUS DOLPHIN.

203. POT FROM YOU?

204. WHAT YOU WANT?

205. FOR MY FAMILY.

206. SOME CRAZY MIX-UP.

207. KILL 'EM.

208. NO, NO, NO, IT'S TRUE!

209. SEE, THAT REMOTE CONTROL CAR WAS FOR MY SON AND...

210. AND, UH... HEY, WHERE'S MY VCR?

211. DANG IT, BUCK, IT'S MY TURN TO USE THE SEX BOX.

212. IT'S MY SEX BOX...

213. IS "SONY."

214. ALL THE PRESENTS?

215. LOIS, IF YOU

216. POSSIBLY IMAGINE.

217. PETER, YOU BROUGHT

218. THAN YOUR OWN.

219. YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT MAD?

220. WELL, I AM

221. CAME OUT OF IT.

222. AND WATCH TV?

223. 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, KISS SAVES SANTA IS ON.

224. BUT, MRS. CLAUS, WHO WOULD KIDNAP SANTA?

225. WELL, ACE, THAT'S WHAT I WANT YOU BOYS TO FIND OUT.

226. SOMEONE STOLE SANTA?

227. THAT DOES NOT ROCK!

228. EASY, GENE.

229. GUYS, LET'S GO SAVE CHRISTMAS.

230. TO THE KISS COPTER!

231. - YAY! - YAY!

232. ALL THE TV YOU WANT...

233. FROM THE MALL.

234. THE MALL? ON CHRISTMAS EVE?

235. PETER, I JUST

236. A LITTLE HELP, OKAY?

237. BRIAN, MY TURKEY'S IN THE OVEN.

238. AT 3:00?

239. NO PROBLEM.

240. WE'LL SHOP, COME HOME, EAT

241. AND THEN IT'S OFF

242. PLAY BABY JESUS.

243. OH, YES, YES, BY ALL MEANS TURN ME INTO A CHILD STAR.

244. TO "CALI-FORN-EYE-AY"

245. WITH THE OLSEN TWINS.

246. THERE'S A SPOT!

247. AW, SCREW THIS.

248. OKAY, PETER, WE'LL EACH TAKE HALF THE LIST TO SAVE TIME.

249. KIDS, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE STEWIE TO SEE SANTA?

250. SANTA?

251. OH, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!

252. IN THIS PUBLIC SETTING?

253. NO BULLETPROOF GLASS?

254. CLAUS, YOU MAKE IT TOO EASY.

255. CHANGE ME— I'VE LEAKED

256. AND I WON'T FACE HIM WET!

257. We now return to Bob Hope's Christmas with the Troops.

258. Hey, it's good to see you Union boys.

259. I would've been here sooner

260. but Lincoln gave me the wrong Gettysburg Address.

261. And how about this having to sit still for 60 seconds

262. to have your picture taken?

263. How about that?

264. AW, SWEET!

265. IT'S KISS SAVES SANTA.

266. Hang on, Santa!

267. WE'RE COMING.

268. HURRY, BOYS!

269. THE EGGS ARE HATCHING!

270. WHAT DO WE DO?

271. CAN'T STAND THE SCREECH OF A GUITAR!

272. IT'S WORKING!

273. HEY, SANTA, BE CAREFUL!

274. OH, NO! CAREFUL, SANTA!

275. HANG ON, SANTA!

276. HEY, I WAS WATCHING THAT! HEY!

277. IT'LL BE ON NEXT CHRISTMAS.

278. WELL, WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHEN THAT'S GOING TO BE?

279. AH!

280. IF I WAS AN OVEN MITT...

281. DAMN IT, PETER!

282. HO, HO, HO.

283. AND WHAT CAN I BRING YOU, THIS YEAR?

284. OH, A PEACE OFFERING, IS IT?

285. VERY WELL.

286. SOME PLUTONIUM?

287. WELL, CAN YOU BE A GOOD BOY?

288. HMM, YOUR INQUIRY INTRIGUES ME.

289. CAN ANY OF US BE A GOOD BOY?

290. OF THE CHOICES WE MAKE?

291. OKAY, WRAP IT UP, KID.

292. ALL RIGHT, KRINGLE.

293. IS ACCEPTED.

294. I WILL BE...

295. NICE.

296. GOOD BOY.

297. NOW, SMILE FOR THE CAMERA.

298. YES, YES, SMILE!

299. LIKE A GOOD BOY.

300. AH...

301. AHA!

302. MEG'S BARRETTES.

303. JULIE'S BARRETTES!

304. YOU STILL WANT THEM, YOU BONY OLD BLUE HAIR?

305. OW, OW!

306. TITTY TWISTER!

307. OW, HURTS!

308. HEY!

309. AHA!

310. CAN'T HELP YOU NOW.

311. THAT'S IT?

312. FISH FOOD?

313. THAT'S YOUR ACE IN THE HOLE?

314. OW, OW... OW, OW, OW!

315. TURKEY!

316. OH, LOIS, IT WAS HORRIBLE.

317. AND ON THE WAY OUT,

318. MUTTERED SOMETHING ANTI-SEMITIC.

319. WE'RE ALMOST HOME, HONEY.

320. OH, LOOK!

321. THERE'S THE STAR ON THE TOWN CHRISTMAS TREE.

322. WE'RE FOLLOWING IT HOME.

323. JUST LIKE THE THREE WISE MEN.

324. SO, WHAT'D YOU GET HIM?

325. GOLD.

326. GOLD?

327. AH, I THOUGHT

328. LIMIT, HERE.

329. YEAH,

330. BOTTLE OF MYRRH.

331. HELLO! FRANKINCENSE.

332. DO THIS.

333. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

334. LOOK, WE'LL PUT

335. AND PUT ALL OUR NAMES ON IT.

336. NO!

337. SO CHEAP.

338. OH, MY GOD.

339. BRIAN, ARE YOU OKAY?

340. COOKIES FOR SANTA.

341. MY COUCH, MY TV!

342. DID YOU DO?

343. ME?

344. BUYS A NOVELTY FIRE EXTINGUISHER?

345. I'LL TELL YOU WHO.

346. FAMILY AT SERIOUS RISK.

347. BOYS, PLEASE!

348. IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.

349. AND WONDER AND JOY.

350. OKAY, SO A COUPLE

351. A GREAT CHRISTMAS!

352. AH, JEEZ, KIDS.

353. BUT YOUR MOM'S RIGHT.

354. WELL, SURE I AM.

355. MEG, HONEY, GET ME SOME PAPER TOWELS.

356. LET'S LOSE THE

357. AND FIND THAT HOLIDAY CHEER.

358. YEAH, ALL RIGHT, YEAH.

359. WE'RE OUT OF PAPER TOWELS.

360. NO... PAPER... TOWELS!

361. HEY, I WAS GOING TO PICK AT THAT.

362. SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH!

363. CHRISTMAS JUST HAPPENS.

364. FROM THE FREAKIN' SKY!

365. WELL, IT DOESN'T!

366. OF MY HOLLY JOLLY BUTT!

367. AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT

368. TO HELL!

369. OH, HERE'S THE PAPER TOWELS.

370. I-I-I CHANGED MY MIND.

371. CLARENCE, I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN.

372. I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN.

373. WHOA!

374. HEY!

375. I GUESS THERE'S SOME MAGIC IN THAT OLD SILK HAT.

376. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

377. EASY, LADY!

378. OF THIS?

379. AH!

380. IS HER PROBLEM?

381. FROSTY, LET IT GO!

382. JUST A SECOND, JUST A SECOND.

383. HEY, LADY, YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME?

384. YEAH, ALL HE DID

385. A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

386. WISH?

387. IT'S EASY TO WISH

388. AND MAKE IT HAPPEN?

389. NO!

390. SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT FOR YOU.

391. OR MOMMY!

392. AH, AH, AH!

393. AH, TAKE IT OFF!

394. TAKE IT OFF!

395. MUST... KILL... STAR.

396. DAD, WHAT HAPPENED TO MOM?

397. WHAT IF SHE NEVER COMES BACK?

398. WAY SHE'S GOING TO ACT AT CHRISTMAS

399. WANT HER BACK?

400. ALL RIGHT, WHICH IS BETTER?

401. OR OFF THE SHOULDER?

402. WAIST? SHOULDER?

403. WAIST? SHOULDER?

404. STEWIE, I THOUGHT

405. YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE IN THE PAGEANT.

406. OH, MEGAN!

407. TO MOTHER.

408. THE PAGEANT MEANS TO HER.

409. WHERE DO YOU THINK SHE IS?

410. WELL, THANK GOD

411. IN YOUR MOTHER'S SKULL FOR JUST SUCH AN OCCASION.

412. I FORGOT, I ALSO PUT THEM IN A BUNCH OF SQUIRRELS.

413. THIS ISN'T GOING TO DO US ANY GOOD.

414. SEE IF SHE'S AT THE PAGEANT.

415. YOU...

416. YOU LIED TO ME.

417. OH, MY GOD!

418. THERE'S MOM!

419. HI, LOIS!

420. HEY, DO WE LOOK LIKE ANTS DOWN HERE?

421. BITE ME!

422. PETER, GREAT TIME LAST NIGHT.

423. DON'T WORRY. WE'LL GET LOIS DOWN.

424. LOADED, SIR.

425. WAIT!

426. YOU CAN'T SHOOT MY MOM.

427. DON'T WORRY, KID.

428. IT'S JUST A MILD SEDATIVE.

429. GO!

430. JOE, HANG ON.

431. LOOK, LOIS IS

432. RIGHT OUT OF HER.

433. IT'LL BRING HER AROUND.

434. GIVE HER A CHANCE, HUH?

435. TRUST HIM, JOE.

436. SPECIAL EVER MADE.

437. A GIRL'S SWEATER?

438. MATTER RIGHT NOW?

439. YOU GOT TEN MINUTES.

440. LIGHTS, PLEASE.

441. OF THE LIVING.

442. SO, WE ALL SING CHRISTMAS CAROLS TO LULL HIM BACK TO SLEEP.

443. OUTRAGEOUS!

444. HOW DARE HE SAY SUCH BLASPHEMY!

445. I'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

446. BOB, THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.

447. WELL, I... GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO

448. DEVELOP A SENSE OF HUMOR.

449. I AM THE VIRGIN MARY.

450. THAT'S MY STORY AND I'M STICKING TO IT.

451. OH, OUR SAVIOR HAS ARRIVED.

452. GOOD EVENING.

453. I'M PLAYING THE ROLE

454. BY JEFFREY HUNTER.

455. ON STAR TREK.

456. APPARENTLY, MR. HUNTER

457. OF SEDUCING GREEN WOMEN.

458. ANYHOO...

459. TOWARDS ALL MEN.

460. THE IRONY, OF COURSE

461. TO OUR NATURE.

462. SO, WHY DO WE DO IT?

463. BECAUSE WE ARE BEING WATCHED.

464. AND SO...

465. WITH LOVE... AND PLUTONIUM.

466. YEAH, SHE'S NOT GETTING IT.

467. OKAY, BOYS, TAKE HER DOWN.

468. MERRY CHRISTMAS, BUDDY.

469. HUH, WONDER WHAT THIS COULD BE.

470. OH.

471. THIS CHRISTMAS ROCKS!

472. MOM, STEWIE'S OPENING HIS GIFTS.

473. MOM?

474. AH, IT'S OKAY, MEG.

475. YOUR MOM'S JUST FULL

476. TO BRING DOWN A BULL ELEPHANT.

477. UH, HONEY,

478. YOU GOT A LITTLE...

479. UH... I'LL GET IT.

480. HUNGRY, HUNGRY HIPPOS?

481. KLAUS, YOU PORCINE DOUBLE-CROSSER.

482. AND TO THINK, I WAS NICE!

483. YOU GOT ANOTHER ONE, DUDE.

484. PLUTONIUM!

485. H-HE IS REAL.

486. HE'S REALLY, REALLY REAL!

487. SO, PETER

488. FOR CHRISTMAS?

489. YOU BET! A WEEK'S VACATION, A NEW VCR

490. AND BEST OF ALL, MY OWN COPY OF KISS SAVES SANTA.

491. THAT GUITAR, SANTA.

492. NEXT TIME, WE'LL LET YOU DO A SOLO.

493. DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!

494. WE HOPE YOUR FREAKIN' HOLIDAYS

495. SO HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND...