1. Alan Adler, David Preshlack,
Julie Axelrod
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2. Shep Sutton, Scott McCormick.
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3. And that concludes the list
of people who were mean to me
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4. in junior high.
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5. Tomorrow, high school.
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6. Finally, we go to Asian Reporter
Tricia Takanawa
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7. for 60 seconds of filler.
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8. Thanks, Tom.
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9. I'm here on
Spooner Street
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10. where several
Quahog families
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11. are holding a car wash
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12. to raise money
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13. for an organ transplant
for young Paul Lewis.
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14. So, what do you call
this device, Paul?
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15. It's an iron lung.
It keeps me from dying.
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16. I want to play baseball!
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17. And with me is one of Paul's
classmates, Chris Griffin
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18. who helped organize
this charity event.
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19. You're a very thoughtful
young man, Chris.
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20. C-can I say hello
to my mom?
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21. Sure.
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22. Hi, Mom!
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23. Hi, sweetheart.
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24. Okay, so you want
the full wash, and, uh...
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25. oh, you got a nick there.
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26. I can probably
get that out for you.
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27. Now, if you want
to go with a scent
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28. I've got "PB and J,"Sugar
Cereal," and "New Toy."
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29. What the deuce?
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30. Hey, somebody dropped
their money clip.
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31. Wow, $26.
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32. I've never seen
so much money at one time!
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33. What do you think
we should do with it?
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34. I say we buy $26 worth
of ice cream and just pig out.
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35. Oh, we can dish, talk about
who's getting fat—
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36. oh, we'll just be
great big bitches.
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37. Hold on, kids, that's
not your money yet.
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38. The law says you got to put
up signs and wait two weeks
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39. for someone
to claim it.
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40. If no one does,
it's yours.
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41. Ah, lunch is here.
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42. Everyone,
we've reached our goal.
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43. It looks like somebody's
going to live to see puberty.
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44. Oh, my God, that man
just took our money!
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45. What man?
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46. He-he was a wearing
a Jimmy Carter mask
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47. like that robber
in the Keanu Reeves movie.
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48. The Matrix.
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49. No, no, no.
It wasn't that recent.
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50. The one where they're
jumping out of the plane.
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51. Executive Decision?
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52. No, that was
with Kurt Russell.
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53. But-but the other guy
in this movie
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54. he kind of looks
like Kurt Russell.
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55. He's getting away!
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56. Don't worry. He won't get far.
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57. Stop! Police!
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58. Joe, what happened?
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59. I got the money...
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60. but I lost the perp.
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61. Well, the money's
the important thing.
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62. Now little Paul
can get his...
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63. Point Break!
That was the movie!
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64. Here's to Joe, who helped
little Paul get a new liver
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65. and, barring
a massive infection
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66. a new lease on life.
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67. Don't you understand?
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68. I lost the perp.
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69. I lost the perp!
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70. So, um, the $26
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71. would probably
be safe in my room.
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72. Right— it'd probably get lost
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73. among the pinups
of Justin Timberlake
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74. and Tom Cruise and... oh, blast
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75. who the devil
do the teenagers like?
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76. Um, Morgan Freeman.
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77. Well, we can't
keep it in my room
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78. 'cause there's
an evil monkey
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79. that lives
in my closet.
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80. You know, the sad part is,
he wasn't always evil.
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81. Honey, good news!
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82. I made partner!
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83. Peter, Bonnie says Joe's
been really depressed
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84. about that robbery.
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85. Why don't you go
talk to him?
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86. Well, I don't know.
There's a game on.
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87. Shame on you.
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88. You march right over there
and cheer your old friend up.
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89. Don't listen
to that sissy.
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90. Grab a beer and
watch the game.
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91. Yeah, that sounds good.
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92. Oh, my God!
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93. Now, get your fat ass
over to Joe's.
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94. Look, buddy, I-I...
Move!
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95. All right, all right,
just take it easy, man.
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96. Everything's cool.
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97. Hey, buddy.
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98. Close the door.
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99. I don't want to
see the light.
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100. Oh, come on, Joe,
cheer up, huh?
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101. Hey, hey, what do you say
you and me go rollerska...
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102. Bike rid...
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103. Jump ro...
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104. Go lay on the grass?
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105. Peter, the other day
was the first time
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106. I've ever lost a perp.
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107. It was also the first time I've
ever really felt handicapped.
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108. I've made up my
mind about this.
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109. I'm quitting the force.
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110. Oh, come on, Joe, you don't
have to quit the force.
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111. You could get a desk job.
Eh? You-you could be a desk.
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112. Forget it. I'm washed up.
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113. In local news, Quahog
will soon play proud host
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114. to the Special People's Games.
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115. If you and-or a friend
are disabled
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116. and would like
to challenge yourself
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117. and raise your self-esteem,
sign up today.
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118. Joe, that's it.
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119. You got to compete in the
Special People's Games.
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120. Gosh, I-I don't
know, Peter.
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121. You really think I can?
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122. Hey, I'm the guy that believed you
could be a desk, eh?
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123. Come on, I'll even
be your coach.
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124. Well, all right.
Let's do it!
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125. Coming up in this half hour,
our undercover exposé
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126. on conveniently placed news
reports in television shows.
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127. But first— Peter, look out
for that skateboard.
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128. Had a bit of a row
with a fellow in the steam room.
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129. You don't say?
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130. Gave him
a cauliflower ear.
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131. Bully!
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132. Come on, come on.
Come on, two more!
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133. Peter, you're pushing me
too hard.
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134. Oh, trust me, Joe.
I know physical fitness.
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135. I was in Richard Simmons'
Sweating to Books on Tape.
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136. The Red Sox
were in town, but I didn't care
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137. because it was Tuesday
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138. and I was on my way
to see Maury.
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139. He couldn't go to the bathroom
by himself anymore
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140. but his indomitable spirit...
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141. So, how's he
checked out, Doc?
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142. Is my boy ready to compete?
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143. Um, I don't quite know how
to tell you this, Mr. Swanson.
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144. You're paralyzed
from the waist down.
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145. I know.
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146. Oh, thank God!
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147. Oh, God, I was standing
out there
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148. for, like, ten minutes.
I... I...
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149. Whew!
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150. Boy, is that a load off!
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151. Hey, Mort, Joe here is
going to be competing
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152. in the Special
People's Games.
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153. You got anything
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154. that might give him
a little extra juice?
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155. You mean steroids?
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156. But, Peter, haven't
you seen what happens
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157. to those ladies
on ESPN2?
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158. They get big hair faces
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159. and their breasts
become like flapjacks!
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160. I-I was thinking more
like a protein shake.
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161. Oh, God, I'm sorry.
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162. Aisle three,
next to the creams.
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163. Ooh, I don't like
saying that word.
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164. We now return
to Touched by an Angel.
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165. Now, where exactly
did the angel touch you?
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166. Here?
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167. Oh, come on, who you
going to believe?
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168. I got a freakin' halo!
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169. Shh, shh...
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170. Bye, I'm going to the mall.
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171. What are you going
to the mall for?
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172. Don't worry.
The $26 is safe.
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173. Safe, huh?
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174. The skirt's trying
to pull a fast one.
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175. Knuckles, get the handbag.
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176. Right, boss!
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177. Hey, give me my purse,
you psycho!
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178. Let's see... makeup,
chewing gum, a picture of Meg
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179. in a two-piece swimsuit...
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180. Oh! God, I pray
this is not my first memory.
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181. Look, everybody, cool it.
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182. I'm not putting up with
this racket for two weeks.
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183. I'll hold on
to the money.
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184. I'm a neutral party,
so it'll be safe.
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185. Okay.
All right.
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186. I suppose
we can trust you.
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187. Now, where is it?
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188. What the... ?
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189. Oh, very clever.
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190. Take another reach,
you forgot your change.
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191. Hello, and welcome to the Quahog
Special People's Games.
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192. I'm Tom Tucker.
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193. And I'm Diane Simmons.
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194. It's a great day to be alive, Tom,
able-bodied or not.
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195. It sure is, Diane.
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196. Today we'll see some
of Quahog's finest athletes
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197. struggle valiantly against
God's twisted designs.
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198. You'll cheer, you'll cry
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199. you might even get
a cheap laugh or two.
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200. I know I will, Tom.
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201. In fact, there's
the distinct possibility
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202. that by the end of the day,
we'll all be going to hell.
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203. I'll see you there, Diane.
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204. Oh, it sounds like
the opening ceremonies have begun.
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205. There are the paraplegics...
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206. Followed by the blind team...
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207. Still no sign
of the deaf team, I noticed...
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208. Hey, you guys
aregoing to be late!
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209. Maybe they're not in there.
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210. And now, we turn our attention
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211. to the lighting of the flame.
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212. And these games are under way!
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213. We begin with the 100-meter dash
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214. for people
afraid of yellow tape.
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215. It's anybody's race now, Tom.
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216. And it's Odai Mutumbo
of Kenya.
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217. Decathlon... I don't know.
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218. That's quite a mountain
to climb, Peter.
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219. Joe, look at me.
Look at me.
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220. Do I have food
in my teeth?
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221. No.
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222. Oh, great.
Thank God.
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223. Now-now listen
here, Joe.
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224. You and I both know
you have what it takes
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225. to win this thing.
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226. So get out there
and do it, huh?
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227. The gold medal
is mine, pretty boy.
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228. You don't have a chance in hell.
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229. He may be right, Peter.
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230. Joe, he's an android.
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231. Don't let him
push you around.
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232. You can do this.
I know you can.
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233. Yeah. Yeah!
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234. Hey, you think
you're so hot, fellow?
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235. Well, at least I can do this.
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236. Oh, crap.
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237. Let's do it!
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238. Let's go to the first
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239. decathlon event of the day:
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240. the pole vault,
where Joe Swanson takes
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241. his starting position.
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242. Way to go, Joe!
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243. Yeah!
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244. How do you like that, buddy?
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245. The sphincter says what?
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246. What?
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247. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
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248. You stupid bastard.
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249. Oh, good to see your
new fiscal responsibilities
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250. haven't interfered
with your reading.
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251. Ah, Dostoyevsky.
The mad Russian.
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252. Good stuff. Good stuff.
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253. You're not going
to get the $26
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254. and you're despicable
for trying.
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255. What? Oh-oh, you thought...
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256. I wasn't trying
to get the $26.
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257. I thought we were
just having
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258. a perfectly innocent
conversation
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259. about literature.
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260. Oh, you're silly.
You're silly.
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261. I love that you go there.
You're silly.
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262. Good-bye.
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263. We'll take you to bulimic pie eating
in just a moment.
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264. But first, decathlon
front-runner Joe Swanson
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265. will attempt
the long jump.
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266. Come on, Joe, break a wheel.
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267. I'm ready.
Let's get it on.
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268. Ooh, a short jump.
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269. That's going to knock him
out of the lead.
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270. - Tough break.
- Tough break it is, Tom.
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271. Good contribution,
Diane.
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272. If Swanson expects
to take the gold
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273. he's going to have
to come in first
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274. in the final event,
the 100-meter dash.
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275. That's okay, Joe.
You can still win this thing.
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276. That was pathetic.
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277. Tell your wife to come
over to my place
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278. if she wants a little
boom-shaka-lacka-lacka-lacka
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279. boom-shaka-lacka-lacka-lacka
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280. boom-shaka-lacka-
lacka-lacka-boom.
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281. Peter, it's over.
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282. Over? What are
you talking about?
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283. Well, if I couldn't catch
a two-bit criminal
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284. how am I supposed
to win a race?
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285. Hey, hey, hey, what
kind of talk is that? It's un-American.
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286. Did George W. Bush quit even
after losing the popular vote?
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287. No.
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288. Did he quit after losing
millions of dollars
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289. of his father's
friends' money
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290. in failed oil companies?
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291. No.
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292. Did he quit
after knocking that girl up?
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293. No.
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294. Did he quit after
he got that DUI?
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295. No.
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296. Did he quit after getting
arrested for drunk
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297. and disorderly conduct
at a football game?
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298. No. Did he quit...?
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299. I get the message, Peter.
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300. Gee, Peter, this water
tastes kind of funny.
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301. Uh, you mean, like, ha-ha,
Jerry Seinfeld funny
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302. or Elaine Boosler, God bless her,
she's trying funny?
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303. Racers, on
your mark.
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304. Go get 'em, Joe.
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305. Get set.
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306. Yeah.
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307. Joe Swanson
wins the gold medal.
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308. You did it, Joe.
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309. We did it, Peter.
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310. Mommy, look at the ladybu...
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311. - Hey, Greased Lightening.
- Do I know you?
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312. Jim Kaplan, sports agent.
Do you like this car?
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313. - Yeah.
- It's yours.
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314. - Do you like my pants?
- Uh, sure.
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315. They're yours. You know
what a merkin is?
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316. No.
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317. Pubic wig, I've got one.
You want it?
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318. - No.
- Of course, you don't.
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319. You're a classy guy.
You want to be rich?
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320. - Yes.
- Sign here.
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321. What the hell?
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322. I just, I don't understand
how he could do that without me.
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323. We were going to do
everything together.
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324. It was one cereal ad, Peter.
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325. Besides, he's the one
who won the medal.
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326. Yeah, I guess.
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327. Coming to ABC
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328. the simple story
of a man and his chair.
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329. What the hell is this?
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330. Starring Tony Danza
as Joe Swanson.
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331. Once a man at his physical peak
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332. brought down
by a cruel twist of fate.
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333. Why?
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334. With Valerie Bertinelli
as Bonnie.
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335. Joe, you've got to accept
your limitations.
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336. Why don't you just ask me
to lay down and die?
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337. I can't live like
this anymore.
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338. That's it.
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339. That's not how it happened.
It was my idea.
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340. With Bea Arthur
as Peter Griffin.
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341. You'll never make it, Joe.
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342. Why don't you
just give up right now?
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343. No, I've got to try...
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344. even if it's by myself.
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345. You're a fool,
Joe, a fool.
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346. Rolling Courage:
The Joe Swanson Story.
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347. Friday on ABC, followed by
Dharma and Greg...
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348. but you don't have
to watch that.
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349. I don't believe this.
Joe wouldn't be famous
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350. if it hadn't been for me.
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351. How come he's getting
all the glory?
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352. He's handicapped.
That's what makes
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353. his story so
inspirational.
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354. Handicapped...
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355. Hmm...
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356. Ah, how did these get up here?
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357. What the hell
is this, Brian?
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358. It's my new passport. What are you doing
going through my mail?
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359. You weren't planning
on going somewhere
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360. with our $26,
were you?
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361. Oh, for God's sake, I just had
the damn thing renewed.
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362. What's the matter with you?
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363. Look here, you're obviously
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364. taking us for saps,
but we're not.
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365. Now fess up, or I'll do to you
what I did to John Lennon.
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366. John, have you met Yoko?
Yoko, John.
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367. You want your money, fine.
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368. I hope you all kill
each other.
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369. All right, I know
how to settle this.
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370. Whoever wants the money...
raise your hand.
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371. Oh, you're smarter
than I thought.
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372. Give yourselves
a round of applause.
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373. Damn!
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374. Yeah, honey, I'm going
to be a little late tonight.
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375. I've got a hooker
coming over.
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376. Well, I know it's late notice.
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377. But what about the pool guy?
He likes you.
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378. Mr. Tucker, Mr. Griffin's
here to see you.
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379. I got to go.
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380. Mr. Tucker, I have just
become handicapped
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381. like Joe Swanson,
and I demand
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382. commercial endorsements
and a TV movie
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383. based on me starring
Valerie Bert-and-Ernie.
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384. But Mr. Griffin...
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385. I even got the first piece
you're going to run:
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386. exclusive video footage
of my tragic accident.
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387. Oh, no, a car going too fast
to stop in time.
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388. I'm handicapped now.
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389. Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me
to believe this.
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390. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed
in your clothes.
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391. Oh, come on.
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392. And when I
freeze-frame...
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393. that's you
driving the car.
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394. - Well there's your hook.
- Get out.
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395. Today we're here
to honor Joe Swanson
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396. for pulling my poor
one-eyed cat, Bootsie
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397. out of the old stovepipe of my
grandmother's cabin.
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398. Joe Swanson won the Special
People's Decathlon
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399. and we're here
to honor him.
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400. Backstabber.
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401. Oh, Peter, I'm sure Joe's going
to acknowledge you, you'll see.
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402. Just don't forget
our deal, Lois.
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403. I sit through this, and
later tonight, I get anal.
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404. You hear me?
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405. No matter how neat
I want the house, you have to clean it.
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406. Thank you, thank you.
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407. You know, no one could win
a gold medal by himself.
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408. It takes friends,
and I want to acknowledge
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409. a special friend
in the audience today.
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410. My friend, Peter.
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411. Peter Yarrow,
of Peter, Paul and Mary.
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412. Let's give him a hand, folks.
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413. But that's nothing compared
to what this next man did.
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414. He challenged me
to go that extra mile.
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415. And that man is Mr. Griffin.
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416. Comedian Eddie Griffin,
get up here.
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417. Your acerbic, anti-white humor
was a constant inspiration.
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418. Thank you, sir.
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419. And last, but not least,
who could forget the fat guy?
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420. Chef Paul Prudhomme,
you get your Cajun ass up here.
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421. Wow, I didn't even do anything.
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422. That's it. Excuse me,
but there's someone else
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423. he didn't thank:
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424. Mr. Steroid.
That's how he won.
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425. That's not true.
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426. Yes, it is.
I put steroids
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427. in your water bottle
right before the last race.
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428. I'm sorry, everybody.
I've let you all down.
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429. Yes.
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430. You suck. I rule.
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431. Who da man?
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432. Who da man?
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433. Who da man?
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434. All right, if anyone
tries to lift the glass
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435. the bell will ring.
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436. Well, then, let's
all go to bed.
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437. Off we go, then.
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438. Did you find
the place okay?
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439. No problem.
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440. Hey, kids?
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441. I only had soup.
I don't see why
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442. we should split the bill evenly.
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443. Wake up.
This is Mr. Taylor.
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444. He's here to claim
the money clip.
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445. Oh.
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446. Oh.
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447. Ugh!
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448. Peter, you should
go talk the him.
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449. After all, you set out
to make him feel better
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450. and now he's worse
than ever.
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451. Yeah, I don't know, Lois.
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452. He's probably
over there waiting
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453. to be interviewed
by Dan Rather
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454. or that dreadful
Gene Shalit.
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455. Oh, I think those days
are over now, Peter.
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456. Uh, hey, there.
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457. Uh... hi, Peter.
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458. Listen, Joe, about
this whole mess...
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459. Hold it, Peter.
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460. That's the car wash thief.
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461. Ha, ha, tough luck, wheelie.
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462. Yeah, for you.
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463. I'm Joe, your waiter.
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464. Today's special is justice,
served cold with a side of jail.
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465. And order the soufflé now,
'cause it takes ten to 15 years.
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466. Hey, Peter, I really appreciate
what you did for me.
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467. What do you mean?
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468. Well, that slimy agent
had me believing the hype.
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469. And I forgot
it was really you
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470. who got me to believe
in myself again.
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471. Oh, and by the way,
I'm going back to the force.
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472. Good for you.
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473. Say, what happened
to the car wash thief?
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474. Ironically, I severed his
spine when I landed on him.
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475. Well, looks like
you've got more competition
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476. at next year's
games, huh?
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477. Nope, he's dead.
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