Family Guy 3x13

Directed by Pete Michels

Don LaFontaine as FOX Announcer (voice) • Jane Lynch as French Teacher (voice) • Phil LaMarr as Doctor / Judge / Lawyer (voice) • John G. Brennan as Mort Goldman / Bill Gates (voice) • Bob Barker as Self (voice) • Bob Barker as Bob Barker (voice)

Peter and Lois go to the Pewterschmidts for the weekend, bringing Brian along. Brian, meanwhile, has some "issues" of his own to work out. Find out if Brian's future is to make puppies or become "less" than he is.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Okay, I got the whole day planned.

2. First, we see the primates.

3. Then the butterfly house, then a bathroom break, then...

4. Oh, come on, Lois.

5. Can't we all just run around in a disorganized fashion?

6. - Yeah. - Let me go, Lois.

7. Monkeys throw their poo.

8. No. If we don't adhere to a strict schedule,

9. we won't see everything.

10. Kids, gas masks.

11. Run!

12. There you are.

13. Oh, don't be such a pig, Mr. Pig. Oh!

14. Now, where's Mr. Sheep? Is he being Baa-shful?

15. Oh, that's right. You're all ripe for parody.

16. Can we go now?

17. Shut up! I'm having fun.

18. My, someone's awfully rude.

19. Oh! My fanny is not on the menu!

20. What... What the... I...

21. Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Oh, God!

22. Here, little fella. Come get the food.

23. I have always wanted to do this.

24. Oh, here are the marsupials.

25. Peter, what the hell are you doing?

26. Look at me, Lois, I'm Roo.

27. Come on, Ma, let's go watch Pooh trick the bees out of their honey

28. by pretending he's a rain cloud.

29. I am going to kick your ass.

30. It seems today that all you see

31. Is violence in movies and sex on TV

32. But where are those good old-fashioned values

33. On which we used to rely?

34. Lucky there's a family guy

35. Lucky there's a man who positively can do

36. All the things that make us

37. Laugh and cry!

38. He's a family guy!

39. How's it going?

40. Great, beautiful day.

41. Oh, gorgeous.

42. You know, we sit here and force small talk,

43. while they have the time of their lives.

44. Yeah, yeah.

45. Here, girl.

46. Sorry, uh, I... I thought I smelled... Cookies.

47. Wow, does it really smell like cookie...

48. Oh, God, she farted, and it went down my throat.

49. Full house.

50. Dagnab, that's some poker face you've got, Peter.

51. Years of practice, boys.

52. Peter, you're on a roll.

53. We ought to get you down to Atlantic City this weekend.

54. Uh, sorry, guys, Lois is making me visit the in-laws this weekend.

55. I don't know why she even bothers.

56. Me and Lois' old man have never gotten along.

57. Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt.

58. You should find some common ground with your father-in-law, Peter.

59. Figure out what he likes, and study up on it.

60. Hey, that's a great idea.

61. I'll learn how to act like a rich guy.

62. In fact, I'm going to start right now. Cratchit!

63. You're working through Christmas!

64. But, sir, what of Tiny Tim?

65. Bah! He and his ukulele shall go wanting.

66. Huh, The New Yorker.

67. I bet Lois' dad reads this.

68. "I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic."

69. Oh, I get it.

70. Yeah, that's kind of funny.

71. Yeah, can I have a copy of Juggs?

72. In French, when you want to say "yes," you say "oui, oui."

73. You got to be kidding me.

74. Oh, my God! That is hysterical.

75. Oh, man.

76. What do you say for "no"? "Doo-doo"?

77. Hey, I'll be right back. I got to go take a wicked "yes."

78. Oh.

79. It's a person.

80. Peter, would you please fix the bathroom faucet?

81. I fixed it already.

82. No, you didn't. It's still dripping.

83. No way. I will give you all my Star Wars guys if it is.

84. Wait. Except Boba Fett.

85. No matter how sure I am, I never risk the Fett-man.

86. Oh, my God.

87. Was... Was he just mastur...

88. - Yes. - Oh, my.

89. Do we... Do we rub his nose in it?

90. Oh, uh, hi, Brian.

91. Uh, listen, Lois, uh, about yesterday...

92. Oh, Brian, it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

93. It's perfectly normal.

94. No, I... I know, it's just...

95. You know, I should be able to control my baser instincts, but...

96. Lately, I've just been having these urges.

97. Brian, why don't you come up to my parents' house with us?

98. The fresh air will help you relax.

99. Mm, I know where I go when I want to relax.

100. I know the guy that owns this place!

101. What?

102. I said, I know the guy...

103. Oh, I'll tell you later, I love this song!

104. Thanks, but I think a quiet weekend here by myself is just the thing I need.

105. Well, have a good time.

106. All right.

107. I'm just going to relax, mellow out, and watch some television.

108. We now return to World's Sluttiest Dogs on Fox.

109. Hey, wait up!

110. Right into the bumper!

111. Hi, Mom.

112. Oh, look at you all.

113. Oh, I know someone who's getting a gift certificate

114. for liposuction in her stocking.

115. Thank you, Nana.

116. Hello, everyone.

117. Hi, Daddy.

118. Bonjour, Monsieur Pewterschmidt.

119. Did Peter have a stroke?

120. No, Daddy, Peter's cultured himself.

121. Like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

122. Oh, so I should treat him like a high-class whore?

123. That's fine, just no kissing on the lips.

124. Would you like a piece of candy?

125. I smell death on you.

126. Ahoy, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

127. Permission to come aboard?

128. - No. - Thanks!

129. Hey, quite a schooner you got here.

130. What is she, like, a 45-footer?

131. Peter, I didn't know you were a sailor.

132. I didn't know you looked so good in shorts!

133. - What?

134. You don't have an eye spliced in this mooring line.

135. Here, I'll just tie a bowline in there and make one for you.

136. That should hold her.

137. And this is a '74 Pinot Noir.

138. Mm, lovely.

139. Carter, did you tell your son-in-law he's not supposed to swallow the wine?

140. Hey... Hey... Where the hell is that Peter Griffin?

141. He said he'd give me $100 if I took off all my clothes off.

142. Thanks for bringing me here, Lois.

143. This is just what I needed.

144. Oh, I'm glad.

145. It seems like everybody's having a lot of fun.

146. So, how long are you and your family in tow...

147. Uh-uh, no conversation.

148. You idiot!

149. I'm never taking you to my country club again.

150. Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

151. Your husband is a moron.

152. He walks up to the Premier of China,

153. and says, "Dong, where is my automobile?"

154. Lois, I tried to fit in with your Dad's crowd,

155. but it's worse than before.

156. I tell you, this sucks worse than that time I was on Survivor.

157. How dare you wash your clothes in our drinking water, BB!

158. Now how are we going to survive in this harsh, unforgiving terrain?

159. All right, Donnie, make sure the wheel goes all the way around...

160. Oh, oh, no, headhunters.

161. Ooh...

162. Am I fired?

163. Daddy, Peter's been trying really hard to get you to like him.

164. Couldn't you give him another chance?

165. Let him join your poker game tomorrow night?

166. Sorry, honey. I'd rather be stuck in an elevator

167. with Nathan Lane, Gilbert Godfried, Carrot Top,

168. uh, Sean Hayes. Oh, you get the picture.

169. - Please? - No!

170. Okay.

171. You know, maybe later, I'll take Mom by the shoeshine place,

172. and introduce her to that nice mulatto boy

173. who looks an awful lot like...

174. Say, would, uh, Peter like to play poker with us?

175. He'd love to, Daddy.

176. That sounds dynamite.

177. Brian, come over here and meet Sea Breeze, my prize-winning dog.

178. Isn't she a perfect specimen?

179. I mean, look at these legs,

180. and that beautiful coat,

181. and feel the heat coming off of her genitalia.

182. You could roast a marshmallow.

183. That's how you can tell she's a champion.

184. Go on, put your hand there.

185. - Oh, boy, that is... That is... - Is that something?

186. That is something. That is... That is hot.

187. Isn't she the most beautiful dog you've ever seen?

188. Yes, yes. She is a beautiful dog.

189. And that's okay.

190. Gentlemen, this is Peter.

191. He's the idiot my daughter married.

192. Michael Eisner. Bill Gates.

193. Bill, Peter's an antitrust lawyer with the Justice Department.

194. Ah, just kidding, he's a fisherman or some stupid thing.

195. Hey, fellas.

196. Wow, Ted Turner!

197. I told you guys not to invite him.

198. Oh, he must have followed us.

199. Come on, ladies.

200. We going to play cards or what?

201. Peter, why don't you deal?

202. Okay, guys, we're playing Texas Hold 'Em.

203. Are aces high or low?

204. They go both ways.

205. He said, "They go both ways."

206. Like a bisexual.

207. Thank you, Ted, that was the joke.

208. I see your bet, Carter,

209. and I raise you CNN.

210. Oh, I don't think I can...

211. Wait, wait. You can beat him, Mr. Pewterschmidt, he's bluffing.

212. Peter, he just bet CNN.

213. There's no way he's bluffing.

214. I'm sure he is. He's got a tell.

215. Listen, if you lose this hand, I'll divorce your daughter.

216. I'm in.

217. All right, Teddy, I'll see your CNN with U.S. Steel.

218. - What have you got? - Two pair.

219. Ace high, straight.

220. You sold me out! I could use a man like you.

221. How's a million a year sound?

222. You disgust me. Get out of my face!

223. Peter, that's the first time any of us have ever beaten Ted.

224. Yeah, how did you know he was bluffing?

225. When he lies, he blinks twice.

226. I first noticed it when he did that Barbara Walters' interview,

227. and he said he'd be with Jane Fonda forever.

228. Well, I'm going to turn in.

229. Yeah, me, too. I got to be at Disneyland before it opens.

230. We're ethnically cleansing the Small World ride.

231. Oh, come on, you guys practically run this country.

232. There's got to be a ton of fun stuff we could do.

233. Oh, man, there's a tollbooth.

234. Hey, anybody got a quarter?

235. What's a quarter?

236. Well, we got to give him something.

237. Man, looking up at the sky just makes you feel so small.

238. Yeah.

239. I mean, if God created all this, who created God?

240. Maybe He created Himself.

241. Or Herself.

242. - Oh! - Think about that.

243. Neat. This guy's deep, Carter. Where'd you find him?

244. He's my son-in-law.

245. Okay, honey. I got to go.

246. - You want a ride? - Sure.

247. Wow.

248. You know, Peter,

249. I actually had a good time with you tonight,

250. and I just want to say...

251. Well, I'm glad you married my daughter.

252. Oh, thank you, Jesus!

253. Oh, actually, it wasn't me. It was...

254. It's okay. I am used to it.

255. Having fun, Peter?

256. Oh, you bet.

257. I put all my poker winnings on your dog, Mr. P.

258. Dog?

259. You've got nothing to worry about.

260. Sea Breeze is a sure thing.

261. Sea Breeze?

262. Dad, where are the jockeys?

263. They're all in the laundry, son.

264. I'm going Indian today.

265. Come on, Sea Breeze!

266. Yeah!

267. Come on, Sea Breeze, come on!

268. What's Brian doing?

269. Oh, my God.

270. He's violating Sea Breeze!

271. Oh, no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself...

272. Now he's violating Sea Breeze.

273. Mr. Pewterschmidt, again,

274. I just want to tell you how sorry I am about this.

275. I don't know what came over me.

276. You'd better not have ruined my race dog.

277. Brian, I am very disappointed in you.

278. I'd turn my back on you,

279. but I've seen what you do in that situation.

280. Now, if you'll excuse me,

281. Carter and I have a polio match to attend.

282. Get away from me.

283. You and that filthy mongrel of yours!

284. How is she, Doctor?

285. She's fine.

286. Sea Breeze will be able to race again.

287. But, unfortunately, not for another nine weeks.

288. - She's pregnant.

289. Look, Mr. Pewterschmidt, I just want you to know

290. I am going to do the right thing here.

291. You're not doing anything.

292. In fact, you're never going to see Sea Breeze again.

293. All of you, pack your things and get out!

294. I am never speaking to you again.

295. Don't worry, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

296. I have a plan.

297. I am going to go back in time,

298. and stop Brian from getting it on with your dog.

299. Everybody, stand back.

300. Uh, oh. Oh, boy. Oh, God.

301. Mr. Pewterschmidt, please can we still be pals?

302. See, look, I made a picture of you and me out of glue and macaroni.

303. Wow, Peter, that means a lot to me, because you made it.

304. - Really? - No. Get out of here!

305. Mr. Pewterschmidt, Sea Breeze is gone.

306. - What? - I can't find Brian.

307. Peter, do you know what I'm going to do to you

308. if Brian took off with my Sea Breeze?

309. I think I have an idea.

310. This is the room.

311. The light switch is here, it's mostly for show.

312. There's your Murphy bed.

313. Don't mind the Epsteins.

314. They keep to themselves.

315. We're going to see Bobby Darin at the Copa tomorrow, right, Charlie?

316. Bobby Darin tomorrow.

317. And this is the bathroom.

318. But watch out.

319. We got some bad roaches here.

320. Hey, you're on our turf, man.

321. Hey, man, I'll cut you. I'll cut you up so bad,

322. you gon' wish I no cut you up so bad.

323. Those are bad roaches.

324. I blame the schools.

325. Were you followed?

326. Don't worry. I've got a decoy.

327. Hey, Lois.

328. Hubba-hubba! Whoa, Lois, you put on a few, huh?

329. Well, I never!

330. That's all right, honey. I don't think he was the one anyway.

331. Now, let's go get sundaes.

332. You know, we all really miss you,

333. and Peter talks about you all the time.

334. Oh, really? Anything nice?

335. No.

336. Mm, so he's still mad, huh?

337. Well, I should go. Here, take this.

338. It's probably not a good idea for us to meet anymore.

339. Daddy swore he'd track you down any way he could.

340. Bingo!

341. I told you she'd lead us to him.

342. Let's call Pewterschmidt.

343. No, wait. Let's take the jet packs.

344. Cool!

345. Man, the people look like ants from up here.

346. They are ants, Michael.

347. They are ants.

348. This is Tricia Takanawa reporting live

349. where police have discovered the whereabouts of Sea Breeze,

350. the heiress to the Pewterschmidt fortune.

351. The dognapper has been traced to this sleazy motel.

352. Ah, I see my colleague, Tom Tucker, is already on the scene.

353. Who's that, baby?

354. Hello, this is Tom Tucker's evil twin, Todd Tucker,

355. out to destroy his brother's reputation.

356. Now I'm going back inside to have freaky sex with my prostitute,

357. with whom I still have 45 minutes.

358. Now, back to this breaking news.

359. Brian, please, eat something.

360. Why bother?

361. My face is plastered all over the news,

362. your father won't let me see the dog who's carrying my puppies,

363. and my best friend is going to incredible lengths to ignore me.

364. Brian, don't let him get to you.

365. Peter, come out of that thing!

366. He can't hear you, Lois.

367. Besides, it's not him that's getting to me.

368. It's your father.

369. I'm sorry. I talked to him, but he wouldn't budge.

370. He can be so stubborn.

371. I don't know how my mother puts up with it.

372. He did promise to take good care of the puppies, though.

373. Well, you know, they're not his to take care of.

374. They're my kids, and I'm going to get them back.

375. My father wasn't there for me,

376. but, damn it, I'm going to be there for my kids.

377. I'm going to sue your dad for custody.

378. Daddy, please, stop this.

379. Brian has every right to see his puppies when they're born.

380. Sorry, Pumpkin.

381. I had no idea you could be so cruel.

382. I'll never forgive you for this.

383. Oh, you'll be fine.

384. You're just having your period.

385. This court will now come to order.

386. Brian... Do you like children?

387. I... I love children. That's why I'm here.

388. I want the opportunity to raise my puppies.

389. Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's

390. in December of 1996?

391. Uh, yeah, I guess.

392. Waa! Waa! You like that, huh?

393. You like that? Waa!

394. You just tune this out, don't you? Waa!

395. Well, tune this out! Waa!

396. - Waa!

397. - Waa!

398. - Shut up!

399. Look, I was angry,

400. because my Moon Over My Hammy was overcooked.

401. I also have your rental records from the Quahog video store.

402. Can you read the last two titles, please?

403. Uh, Son-In-Law and Biodome.

404. And who's the star of those films?

405. Uh, Paulie Shore.

406. Paulie Shore.

407. But, I... I... I rented those for Peter.

408. He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies.

409. Rosebud.

410. It's his sled.

411. It was his sled from when he was a kid.

412. There, I just saved you two long, boob-less hours.

413. How convenient, blame it on someone else.

414. Is that the kind of man we want raising these puppies?

415. Peter...

416. Oh, you've got to believe me, Your Honor.

417. Peter, I'm putting together another card game. You in?

418. You want me to play?

419. Absolutely.

420. But first, I want you to testify against that horny mutt of yours.

421. I... I don't know if I can do that.

422. Ooh, that's too bad,

423. because Bill and Michael really want to see you again.

424. They're coming over later,

425. and Bill's going to bring his Stretch Armstrong.

426. Oh, man, and his arms stretch out to next week!

427. Your Honor, Peter Griffin would like to take the stand.

428. Mr. Griffin, which of the following two phrases best describes Brian Griffin?

429. "Problem drinker,"

430. or "African-American haberdasher?"

431. Um... I... I guess "problem drinker," but that's...

432. Thank you.

433. Now, "sexual deviant,"

434. or "magic picture that if you stare at it long enough you see something?"

435. Well, "sexual deviant," but that other one's...

436. Thank you.

437. Now, isn't it true that you told my client, Carter Pewterschmidt,

438. that Brian is a menace to society

439. and should never be allowed to see his children?

440. Uh... Uh...

441. Brian should be allowed to see his puppies.

442. Peter, think about what you're doing.

443. I am.

444. Your Honor, Brian will be a great dad.

445. Hell, if I was half the parent Brian is

446. I'd know that Chris' favorite ice cream is...

447. Chocolate chip.

448. - And Stewie's favorite bedtime story is... - Goodnight, Moon.

449. And Meg's real father's name is...

450. Stan Thompson.

451. I've heard enough.

452. I do believe that Brian would be a successful parent.

453. However, if he was to repeat his actions at the dog track,

454. he would be setting a bad example for his puppies.

455. Therefore, I grant Brian custody

456. with the condition that he be neutered first.

457. Yeah! You did it, buddy!

458. Oh, congratulations!

459. Oh, man!

460. What does "neutered" mean?

461. You're almost there, Sea Breeze.

462. Oh, and, uh, also, I didn't bring this up before,

463. but, promise me you won't eat any of them.

464. You know, Brian, it occurs to me that this is like a Greek tragedy,

465. where a man must choose between himself and his children.

466. Of course, you'll be playing the role of Sanstesticles.

467. We're ready for you down the hall.

468. Are you sure you want to go through with this, Brian?

469. 'Cause, you know, you could have puppies with another dog.

470. Oh, or maybe with a condor.

471. Yeah, then you'd have flying puppies.

472. Would you like that, Brian?

473. Huh? Flying puppies?

474. No, Peter. Those puppies in there are mine,

475. and I'll give anything to be with them. Anything.

476. I am not looking forward to what you're going to be like

477. once they do this to you.

478. Mm, I love chocolate!

479. But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat.

480. But it's so good!

481. Are you ready, Brian?

482. I guess so.

483. Stop! Brian, come quick.

484. Oh, my God! Those aren't my puppies.

485. Well, then, whose are they?

486. You... You're a whore!

487. A filthy, filthy whore!

488. You must be so relieved.

489. Well, actually, I...

490. I was kind of looking forward to being a dad.

491. Well, don't worry. There will be other chances.

492. You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs, um, laid eggs.

493. And I learned something today.