1. It seems today that all you see
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2. Is violence in movies and sex on TV
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3. But where are those
good old-fashioned values
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4. On which we used to rely?
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5. Lucky there's a family guy
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6. Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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7. All the things that make us
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8. Laugh and cry!
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9. He's a family guy!
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10. Hi, Chris.
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11. Hi, Barbara.
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12. I'm having a birthday party next week.
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13. I was hoping you could come.
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14. Oh, no!
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15. Someone peed in my pants!
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16. You're funny.
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17. Well, I hope you can make it.
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18. Your friend's birthday party
sounds like fun, Chris.
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19. Yeah, but I hope for your sake
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20. the cake's better
than the last party I went to.
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21. Oh, God!
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22. Coconut.
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23. I want to get Barbara a really nice gift.
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24. What kind of gifts
have boys gotten for you, Meg?
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25. Oh, well, my boyfriend, Prince William,
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26. got me this beautiful watch
and this diamond tiara,
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27. and this wonderful scepter.
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28. She needs to get laid, big time.
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29. Listen, Chris, I read a book
saying that women are from Venus.
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30. All right, so here's what you get her.
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31. Thick layers of sulfuric acid,
viscous surface rock and coronae,
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32. which seem to be collapsed domes
over large magma chambers.
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33. Here's $5.
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34. Well, that's okay, Dad.
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35. I was thinking about getting a paper route
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36. so I could pay for Barbara's gift myself.
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37. Oh, well, I think
that's very sweet, honey.
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38. Oh, boy, I remember my first job.
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39. I was in a folk music trio.
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40. Hey, how about "Here's To You,
Mrs. Fleckenstein?"
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41. Yeah. You've been pitching that
for an hour,
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42. but it's just not a very attractive name.
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43. Oh, oh, fine, fine!
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44. And I... I suppose we're also not going
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45. with "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary
and Lowry's Seasoning Salt"?
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46. That's it. I'm going to 'Nam.
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47. Well, hey, there, young fella.
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48. Bringing me good news today?
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49. What?
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50. Come on over here, son.
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51. Hand me the paper
so I don't need to use my grabber.
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52. Mm. That's a nice,
muscley throwing arm you got there.
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53. Uh, thanks.
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54. Got a nice tip for you
right here in my pocket,
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55. but my arthritis...
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56. Why don't you reach in there
and fish it out for yourself?
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57. Oh, that's okay, mister.
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58. I don't collect till the end of the month.
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59. I'll see you tomorrow.
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60. Weird.
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61. I hope you like it.
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62. Wow! Perfume!
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63. That is so sweet.
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64. It'll make you smell
like Elizabeth Taylor.
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65. I guess that means
you'll smell like bourbon and Vicodin.
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66. That's very thoughtful.
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67. Can I spray some on you?
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68. Ow! My eyes!
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69. They're beautiful.
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70. Oh, just get away from me, Chris!
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71. I'm so awkward!
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72. Hey, Muscley Arm.
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73. Why the long face?
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74. Oh, it's this girl.
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75. I can't talk to her.
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76. It's like girls are a different species
or something.
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77. Aw, who needs them?
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78. You like Popsicles?
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79. Well, sure.
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80. Then, you need to come on down
to the cellar.
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81. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles.
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82. Mm...
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83. No, thanks, I got to get going.
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84. Oh, don't make me beg now.
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85. You're funny. Bye.
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86. Get your fat ass back here.
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87. This is a holdup! Open the register!
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88. I can't. It only opens
when you make a sale.
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89. All right, then give me
one of them horoscope scrolls.
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90. And some Skittles.
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91. Financial transaction
benefits you today. Ooh!
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92. Weird.
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93. All right, a bike!
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94. I'm out of here.
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95. Now, son, your parents are on their way,
but since time is a factor here,
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96. we'd like to get a positive ID
as quickly as possible.
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97. Are you sure he can't see me?
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98. Absolutely, Chris.
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99. You're 100% safe.
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100. Okay. That's him. Number six.
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101. Hi, uh, excuse me, you guys.
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102. Yeah, I'm here to pick up
my son, Chris Griffin.
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103. Uh, he's here to finger the guy
who held up that convenience store.
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104. Maybe you've seen him.
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105. His name is Chris Griffin.
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106. No, wait a second.
I think I got a picture of him somewhere.
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107. Here... Here you go.
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108. Yeah, you can go ahead
and hang on to that.
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109. I got a ton of them at home.
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110. In fact, I was going
to throw that one out, anyway,
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111. 'cause Chris messed it up
by writing his school schedule
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112. and a list of his fears
all over the back of it.
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113. Oh, we're so proud of you, Chris,
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114. for helping to put
that horrible man in jail.
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115. Geez, you couldn't have said
it was Celine Dion, huh?
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116. Our one chance to put that showboating,
Canadian wench behind bars,
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117. and you blow it.
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118. We now return
to the E! True Hollywood Story.
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119. By the third season,
I was completely wasted all the time.
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120. I'd lost all control
of my bodily functions.
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121. They had to cut the crap
out of my fur before each taping.
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122. But, uh, would I do it all again?
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123. We interrupt this program
for a breaking news story.
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124. We now go live
to the Rhode Island State Penitentiary,
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125. where Asian reporter,
Tricia Takanawa, is standing by.
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126. Tricia?
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127. Tom, I'm outside
this maximum-security facility,
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128. where a ruthless thug
has engineered a daring escape.
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129. Sir, do you have any plans
now that you're out of jail?
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130. Yeah. I'm going to go bang my girlfriend,
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131. and then I'm going to kill Chris Griffin!
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132. Good Lord!
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133. Can they really say
"bang my girlfriend" on TV?
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134. You want to remove us from the area?
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135. Yes, ma'am. This criminal
will stop at nothing to find your son.
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136. So, we're placing your family
in the witness protection program.
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137. Oh, is Europe an option?
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138. I say, I've always wanted to spend a year
in Prague, teaching English.
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139. You know, slacking off a bit,
but really getting to know myself.
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140. Well, until we catch this guy,
you'll be relocated to the Deep South.
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141. The Deep South?
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142. Isn't that the place
where the black guys are really lazy,
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143. and all the white guys are just as lazy,
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144. but they're mad at the black guys
for being so lazy?
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145. Jenkins and I have been
assigned to live here
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146. and watch your house while you're gone,
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147. even though he's a slovenly liberal
and I'm a fastidious conservative.
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148. I smell a sitcom.
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149. I suggest you start packing immediately.
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150. I can't believe I have to change schools
because of you.
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151. This is all your fault, Lardo.
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152. Me? I had nothing to do with it.
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153. No, I meant Chris.
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154. Oh.
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155. Yeah, Lardo.
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156. Look, everybody, here we are.
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157. The town of Bumblescum.
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158. This is our house?
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159. Oh, come on, Meg.
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160. I bet if we fixed it up a little bit,
it could be a piece of crap.
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161. Ugh, what's that smell?
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162. It's either bad meat or good cheese.
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163. There's a penny underneath that couch.
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164. Somebody's in the closet!
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165. You know you're a redneck
when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.
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166. You suck!
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167. Oh, my.
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168. Well, it's too hot to cook anyway.
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169. Peter, what's the upstairs like?
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170. There's a crunchberry
underneath the fridge.
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171. Mom, Chris found a jar in the basement
and it has a hand in it.
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172. I'm going to plant it
and see if a human grows.
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173. Well, at least the TV
gets decent reception.
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174. Huh. Must be some kind of nature show.
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175. Help, help!
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176. Get it off! Get it off!
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177. Great.
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178. We're here five minutes,
and Dad gets mauled by a rodent.
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179. This place is horrible.
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180. Okay, now, everybody calm down.
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181. We don't know anything
about this community.
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182. I bet if we explore the town,
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183. we'll each find something
about it we like.
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184. You know, that's a great idea, Lois.
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185. I just got to hit the can.
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186. I think there's just an outhouse, Peter.
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187. Hey, uh, Lois, I don't get how this works.
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188. It's just a hole.
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189. I don't think it goes anywhere.
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190. No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere.
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191. Ugh! Oh, God!
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192. Oh, it's everywhere!
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193. Ah, it's in my raccoon wounds!
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194. Oh, God!
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195. Excuse me, do you have an ATM?
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196. Over there, ma'am.
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197. How much you want to take out?
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198. $40.
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199. There's a service charge of a buck fifty.
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200. You'll accept?
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201. Yes.
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202. Mm... You smell like the inside
of my mama's purse.
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203. Thank you.
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204. What are those dulcet tones?
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205. Why, this is the music of the angels.
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206. What is that magical device?
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207. Banjo.
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208. Pluck that string.
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209. Oh, I feel so deliciously white trash!
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210. Mommy, I want a mullet!
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211. All right, that about does it.
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212. Isn't she beautiful, Brian?
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213. The Duke boys would be proud, Peter.
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214. Yeah, and you got to get in
through the window like this.
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215. Okay, now you.
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216. Oh, sorry. I forgot to roll yours down.
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217. You all right?
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218. Hello?
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219. Wake up, sleepy head.
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220. Hi.
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221. Hi.
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222. Are you mad at that pond?
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223. Shoot, no.
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224. 'Course this pond did kill my grandpappy.
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225. He saw his reflection in the water,
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226. thought it was him and drowned,
trying to save himself.
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227. That's why my mom doesn't let me look
in the toilet.
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228. - I'm Sam.
- I'm Chris.
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229. Sam, come on in now.
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230. Well, I got to go help my daddy
bring in the mud harvest.
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231. Nice making your acquaintance, Chris.
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232. Oh, my God, I'm drowning!
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233. And that was Merle Haggard
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234. with "I Kissed My Sweetie With My Fist."
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235. Coming up next...
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236. All right, there's one. Let's jump that.
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237. Yeehaw!
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238. Oh, that was great.
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239. Hey, next time, let's get Meg to be
Boss Hogg, and Chris can be Anus.
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240. - Enos. Anus.
- What did I say?
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241. All right, class,
we have a new student joining us.
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242. Everyone, please welcome Megan Griffin
from the North.
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243. What's it like up there?
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244. Y'all got them talking pictures?
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245. And flying machines?
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246. And perfume for your armpits?
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247. We sure do.
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248. All right, class.
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249. That's enough questions for Megan.
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250. Time to hand back
last week's spelling tests.
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251. And it looks like Oinky
set the curve again.
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252. Oh, dang it.
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253. That is some smart pig.
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254. Good thing I copied off of Oinky.
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255. Ta-da!
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256. Possum surprise!
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257. Actually, I made it with Shake-'n'-Bake.
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258. And I helped.
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259. Kids, where's your father?
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260. Yeehaw!
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261. Oh, Peter, what the hell are you doing?
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262. I'm blending in.
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263. Relax, Lois. It's not our house.
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264. Well, I'm glad you're having fun,
but we need some money coming in.
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265. Have you thought about looking for a job?
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266. Yes, Lois, I have.
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267. But I've also thought
about getting fired from that job.
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268. Is that something you want
to put our family through?
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269. Think about that
while I get myself a drink.
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270. Ah, ah! Oh, God!
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271. It's right up here past this clearing.
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272. He's been here about three months now.
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273. Wow!
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274. Where do you think you go when you die?
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275. I learnt at church that if you're good,
you go to heaven.
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276. But if you're bad, you go to a place
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277. where the dead believe
they're still living
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278. and they pray for death,
but death won't come.
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279. UPN?
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280. You're funny.
I like you, Chris.
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281. I like you, too, Sam.
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282. Want to poke him?
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283. Do I?
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284. You know, it's true.
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285. The best things in life really are free.
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286. I don't know, Brian. Maybe Lois is right.
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287. Maybe it is time for me to get a job.
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288. Yeah, too bad you always blow it
in the interview.
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289. So, Peter, where do you see yourself
in five years?
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290. Don't say doing your wife.
Don't say doing your wife.
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291. Doing your...
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292. Son?
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293. Hey, Brian, look at that.
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294. Y'all interested? We just
take turns being the Sherriff.
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295. It's real easy.
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296. You just hang out here,
eat some pie and get drunk.
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297. Wait, hold on a second.
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298. "Pie"? "Drunk"? "The"?
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299. You got yourself a Sheriff.
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300. Boy, it's so quiet around here.
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301. I know.
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302. The phone hasn't rang all day.
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303. I... I know.
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304. There's nothing, nothing to, um...
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305. To, uh...
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306. Um...
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307. Uh... Oh, boy,
what's the word I'm looking for?
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308. Do.
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309. Uh, Brian, you... You're drunk.
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310. You're drunk. Give me your keys.
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311. What is this, Dad?
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312. A Southern tradition, son.
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313. It's a reenactment of the Civil War.
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314. Robert E. Lee.
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315. I knew I'd find you here,
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316. where they seat the sorry-ass losers.
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317. Ulysses S. Grant, you invite me to lunch,
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318. then show up an hour late, drunk?
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319. I was busy looking for your wife
to give her the old...
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320. Sir, this means war.
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321. I am vanquished.
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322. I hereby declare victory
in the name of the Confederacy.
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323. Uh, excuse me.
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324. Uh, I don't think that's how it happened.
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325. I'm pretty sure the North won.
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326. What are you saying, fella?
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327. I'm saying that drunken idiot
kicked your sorry asses
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328. south of the Donna Dixon line.
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329. We don't take too kindly
to that sort of talk, Mister.
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330. And I sure as shoot don't want your kid
hanging around with my kid.
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331. And if you think I'm mad now,
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332. you got to answer
to them Civil War survivors.
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333. Uh, uh, uh, wait!
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334. Look over there! It's a newly married
interracial gay couple
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335. burning the American flag.
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336. Get him!
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337. I guess we can't hang out anymore.
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338. Guess not.
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339. That sucks, 'cause I really like
spending time with you.
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340. Me, too.
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341. What are you doing?
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342. Now, them Griffin boys
better grow some wings
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343. or start flapping their arm.
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344. Lost them!
Dad-blasted Lincoln lovers.
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345. Anyone seen my foot?
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346. Man, was last night weird.
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347. I kissed a boy.
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348. But the truth is I really like him
as a friend.
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349. His name is Sam.
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350. You kissed Sam last night?
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351. How did you know?
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352. Well, you're saying it out loud.
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353. I could hear you in the other room.
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354. The weird thing is kissing Sam
kind of felt right.
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355. But I don't know if I can face him again.
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356. Brian, what should I do?
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357. I haven't been this confused
since the end of No Way Out.
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358. How does Kevin Costner
keep getting work?
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359. Oh, how do I shoot? How do I shoot?
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360. Push "B"! "B" button!
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361. Telegram for Chris Griffin.
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362. Oh, he's not here.
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363. Well, where is he?
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364. I can't release that information.
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365. Oh, uh, did I say Chris?
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366. I meant Chris's sister.
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367. Oh. Oh, well, if it's for Meg,
that's a whole other story.
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368. Here's her address.
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369. What are you doing?
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370. You were busy,
so I played your guy.
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371. Fine, I didn't want to play, anyway.
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372. Well, then, it worked out for everybody.
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373. I'm going to draw boobs
on the Etch-A-Sketch.
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374. Go ahead, they always come out square.
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375. Oh, hi, Chris.
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376. Hey.
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377. Um, listen, Sam,
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378. I like hanging out with you and all.
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379. It's just that I don't want
a romantic relationship.
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380. But I'd like it
if we could still be friends.
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381. I'd like that, too.
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382. Want to go for a swim?
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383. Sure.
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384. You're a girl!
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385. Of course, I am.
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386. Oh, my God!
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387. Warm out today.
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388. Warm yesterday.
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389. Even warmer today.
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390. Met her on my CB
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391. Said her name was Mimi
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392. Sounded like an angel
come to Earth
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393. Come to Earth
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394. When I went to meet her
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395. Man, you should have seen her
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396. Twice as tall as me
Three times the girth
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397. Girth
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398. Oh, my fat baby loves to eat
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399. Loves to eat
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400. A big old Buddha belly
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401. And her breasts
swing past her feet
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402. - Feet
- My fat baby loves to eat
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403. My big old fat-ass babyloves to eat
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404. I got blisters on me fingers!
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405. A drop more of the 'shine, my dear?
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406. Yes, please.
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407. You know, the kids are going to be
at that town social for a while.
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408. I think I know where you're going.
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409. Oh, God!
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410. Hello?
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411. Hello, Mrs. Griffin?
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412. Yeah. Shh! Shut up!
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413. You guys, shut up!
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414. Yeah, hi, this is the FBI,
calling from your house.
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415. - Oh, God, oh, God!
- Hi, how is everything?
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416. Good, good, real good, real good.
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417. Listen, uh, promise you won't be mad,
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418. and it's probably nothing...
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419. Giggedy-giggedy-giggedy.
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420. But, um, you know that criminal
who's after your son?
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421. Yeah, he might know where you guys are.
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422. What?
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423. Peter, that criminal
is on his way here to kill Chris!
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424. We got to call the Sheriff.
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425. Holy crap, I'm on it, Lois.
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426. Sheriff's office.
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427. Yes, hello, this is Peter Griffin.
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428. I'd like to report a dangerous criminal
who may be coming into town.
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429. I'm sorry, could you repeat your name?
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430. Yes, it's Peter Griffin.
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431. G-R-I-F-F-I-N.
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432. Wait a minute, you're the Sheriff?
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433. Hang on one sec, honey, I'm on the phone.
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434. Who's that?
My wife.
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435. Peter, Chris is in danger.
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436. Do something.
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437. Round up a posse.
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438. Yeah, well, see,
I kind of pissed off the whole town
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439. at that Civil War reenactment.
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440. Oh, what are we going to do?
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441. I don't know, Lois,
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442. but I feel lower
than a bowlegged caterpillar.
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443. Now here's Roy.
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444. Sure is a ding-dang of a hoedown.
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445. Nuh-uh, this here is a hootenanny.
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446. - Hoedown!
- Hootenanny!
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447. - Hoedown!
- Hootenanny!
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448. - Hoedown!
- Hootenanny!
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449. Thank you,
thank you very much, thank you.
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450. Oh, and to the owner
of a John Deere tractor,
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451. you're parked on top of a pig.
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452. John Deere tractor on top of a pig.
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453. Sam, can I talk to you?
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454. Sure, but why aren't you looking at me?
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455. Well, that's the thing, um.
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456. I'm no good at talking to girls.
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457. That's why I ran away from you.
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458. Well, you didn't have trouble
talking to me
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459. when you thought I was a boy.
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460. Yeah, that's true.
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461. Just pretend I'm a boy.
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462. Okay.
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463. You want to go down
to the Old Town Bridge and make out?
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464. Yes, sir!
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465. And in the city,
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466. glasses are considered really sexy.
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467. Dang, I hope her brother
don't already have dibs on her.
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468. Meg, where's Chris?
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469. That criminal's here, and he's after him.
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470. He's down by the Old Town Bridge.
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471. You know, my brother is the one
he's here to kill.
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472. My daughter would absolutely love you.
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473. You're so cute.
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474. You're like a skinny Garth Brooks.
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475. Aha! I got you now, Griffin.
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476. Not so fast, buddy.
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477. Who are you?
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478. Oh, you can call me Officer T.J. Hooker.
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479. Sheriff Officer T.J. Hooker.
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480. And this is my deputy, McMillan and Wife.
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481. Well, I hated T.J. Hooker,
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482. and I never actually saw
McMillan and Wife,
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483. although I was aware of it.
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484. Anyway, you're dead!
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485. Ha, you're mine now, fella!
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486. Ah! Dad!
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487. Help! Help! Dad!
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488. You folks all right?
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489. Wow, you guys saved our lives.
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490. And after I said that all Southern people
have bad teeth
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491. and suffer from the gum disease
known as gingivitis.
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492. Well, we take care of our own.
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493. And as long as y'all live here,
y'all are Southerners, too.
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494. Wow, thanks.
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495. It's our pleasure.
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496. Sam, I'll see you at home.
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497. You know, I think the lesson here
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498. is it really doesn't matter
where you're from,
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499. as long as we're all the same religion.
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500. It was great having you in class, Meg.
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501. Thanks.
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502. I'm really going to miss everybody.
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503. We didn't have no money for a present,
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504. so we all just spit in a jar.
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505. I can't believe you're leaving.
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506. Me either.
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507. I'll be sure to write.
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508. And I'll be sure to learn to read.
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509. The next time I see a dead guy,
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510. I'm going to poke him
twice as hard for both of us.
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511. Oh, it's so nice to be home.
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512. You have 113 new messages.
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513. Oh, my.
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514. Uh, yeah,
I was just wondering, uh...
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515. Hmm... Where the newspaper boy was.
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516. Haven't seen a newspaper in a couple days.
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517. Wondering if you're ever
going to come back.
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518. - Guess who?
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519. Sorry to leave you so many messages.
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520. Just lonely here.
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521. Thinking about
the muscley-arm paperboy.
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522. Wishing he'd come by
and bring me some good news.
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523. Where are you?
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524. You're starting to piss me off,
you little piggly sumbitch.
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525. Call me.
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