1. It seems today that all you see
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2. Is violence in movies and sex on TV
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3. But where are those
good old-fashioned values
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4. On which we used to rely?
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5. Lucky there's a family guy
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6. Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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7. All the things that make us
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8. Laugh and cry!
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9. He's a family guy!
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10. Peter, this is ridiculous.
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11. I know you're upset about losing your job,
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12. but you've been sitting
on that couch for two weeks.
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13. I have not, Lois.
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14. He's right. It's actually been
more like, uh...
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15. Yeah, 13 days.
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16. You at least have to do something
other than sitting there eating.
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17. All right, all right.
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18. Brian, let's go for a walk.
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19. Meg, sweetheart, what's wrong?
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20. My life, that's what's wrong!
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21. I was totally humiliated
at school today.
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22. Okay, we're going to do
a little informal survey here, kids.
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23. Would those of you
who are going away for spring break,
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24. please move to the left of the room?
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25. Oh, Meg, what do those kids know?
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26. They know how to have a good time.
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27. Well, so do we.
I'll tell you what.
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28. How about you and I have
our own little spring break?
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29. We'll go to that fancy new spa
that just opened up in Warwick.
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30. Massages and facials...
Ah! It'll be great.
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31. What do you say?
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32. Well, I guess it couldn't be worse
than last year
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33. when we all went to Sea World.
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34. And how long has this been going on?
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35. You know, Lois is right.
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36. I've been out of work too long.
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37. Well, I think you should find something
you really enjoy doing.
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38. Take those guys out there, for example.
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39. Where?
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40. Oh, yeah, now, that's a job.
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41. Fresh sea air, working outside.
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42. That's how a real New England man
makes a living.
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43. Well, maybe that's something
to think about, Peter.
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44. What's that, Daddy?
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45. Well, that's Mercury, Jake,
the planet closest to the sun.
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46. What it's doing down here by the wharf,
I haven't the foggiest,
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47. but we should probably ask a scientist.
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48. I'm a guy, you jackass!
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49. Ah, yeah, that feels good.
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50. Chris, don't forget
to mist under his chins.
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51. Oh, boy, Lois,
it's a real mess down there.
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52. I'm afraid I'm not going
to be able to do this
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53. in the time I quoted you earlier.
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54. Chris, shut the hose off for a second.
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55. Everybody, I have an announcement.
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56. I am going to drop this weight
and rejoin the workforce.
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57. I have decided to become
a professional fisherman.
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58. What? Why a fisherman?
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59. It makes perfect sense, Lois.
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60. You know how much time
I've spent on the ocean.
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61. Wilson!
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62. What are we going to do now?
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63. Wilson!
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64. Wilson!
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65. My name is Voit, dumb ass!
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66. Hello, Doreen? Yeah,
I'm still over at the Griffin job.
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67. Um, listen, tell Walter
I'm not going to be able
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68. to make it to the construction site.
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69. So, um, I don't know, have him send Frank
or Glen or Harelip Steve.
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70. I know, it creeps me out, too.
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71. So you think I can find
a boat here, huh, Joe?
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72. Oh, yeah. You wouldn't believe
what we confiscate from these crooks.
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73. Welcome. We open today's bidding
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74. with this pair of panties
confiscated from a prostitute.
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75. 50 bucks!
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76. She had nine STDs.
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77. 45 bucks.
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78. And when we caught her,
she wet herself.
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79. 50 bucks.
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80. Excuse me.
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81. Are you going to sell anything
that's not gross?
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82. And now, our next item.
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83. Please direct your attention to this photo
of a beautiful 40-foot fishing boat.
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84. Oh, man, that's perfect.
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85. $12,000.
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86. - $13,000.
- $25,000.
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87. Sold for $25,000.
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88. - Yes!
- Aw, crap!
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89. Thanks.
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90. And now, the actual boat itself.
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91. - Do I have an opening bid for...
- $50,000.
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92. Sold for $50,000.
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93. Good for you, Peter.
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94. Congratulations.
You've just bought yourself a cursed boat.
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95. - Cursed?
- The last captain of that vessel
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96. lost his life, and it weren't no accident.
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97. His name was Salty,
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98. and he was devoured by Daggermouth,
the man-eating bluefish.
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99. You want to buy that boat?
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100. Go ahead, take it,
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101. but don't expect me to fish your dead body
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102. from an angry sea
that gave you fair warning.
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103. Are you up for bids, too?
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104. You are just precious.
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105. Are you going to miss me?
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106. Only until I go to the newsstand
and buy a Hustler.
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107. All right, I left you the number
for the spa.
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108. See you in a few days.
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109. Not if I strangle myself
with a seaweed wrap and die.
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110. You are dark!
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111. Uh, Peter, you still haven't told me
how you expect to pay for that boat.
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112. Don't worry, Brian.
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113. There's got to be a hundred banks
that'll give me a loan.
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114. Oh, wow, so you can really give me loan?
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115. I sure can.
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116. You see, Mr. Griffin,
what sets us apart from other banks,
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117. is that other banks are banks.
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118. Now, I trust you have collateral.
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119. Um... I got three kids.
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120. I'll take 'em. Just kidding.
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121. Or maybe I'm not. Sign this.
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122. Here you go. Good luck.
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123. So, what do you want on your thigh?
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124. I want a skull.
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125. Okay, well, I can draw Kermit the Frog.
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126. How about a nice Kermit the Frog?
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127. No, I want a skull.
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128. Okay, well, I'm going to go ahead
and do Kermit the Frog.
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129. Mom, this is so lame.
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130. Come on, Meg, try to have fun.
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131. I promise after a few days here,
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132. you won't even remember
the word "Spring-break."
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133. How about some TV?
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134. This is MTV and we're rocking
at spring break.
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135. Hey, this is VH1
and we're rocking at spring break.
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136. leaving thousands injured.
For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw,
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137. keeping it real and kicking ass
at spring break!
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138. Woo!
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139. There she is, boys,
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140. the S.S. More Powerful Than
Superman, Batman, Spiderman
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141. And The Incredible HulkPut Together.
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142. Yes, she's a fine vessel.
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143. Welcome to the wharf.
The name's Hennessey.
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144. Hi, there. Peter Griffin.
My friends call me Peter for short.
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145. I'll let you in
on a little secret, neighbor.
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146. The best fishing
is at latitude 42, longitude 71.
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147. - Keep that to yourself.
- Oh, wow, thanks.
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148. Hey, I'll see you, fellas.
I got some fish to catch.
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149. Ah, let's see.
"Latitude 42, longitude 71."
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150. This is it. What the hell?
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151. Papa, he killed Mordecai,
the dancing Yiddish clown.
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152. Stop crying.
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153. You just became a man, now act like one.
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154. Hey, Hennessey, what's the big idea
sending me to that bar mitzvah?
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155. 'Cause I don't like you
and I don't like your face.
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156. We don't need any more fishermen
crowding up this wharf.
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157. Oh, well, fine, Hennessey.
You want an enemy, you've got one.
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158. Fine!
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159. There we are.
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160. So, Steve, you ever think
of growing a mustache?
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161. Nice fish you got there, Griffin.
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162. What are you selling? Your bait?
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163. Um, nice face, Hennessey.
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164. Yes! Me one, you zero.
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165. Hey!
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166. Wow. So, how do you do it?
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167. Oh, you're very nice to ask.
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168. Well, first I hang the old worm out there.
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169. They usually go for it.
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170. So, I jerk them around a little,
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171. they fight for a while,
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172. and then they just lay back and accept it.
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173. How about we get together later?
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174. - Um, okay.
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175. What the hell?
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176. Oh, damn it.
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177. Hey, what's going on here?
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178. Peter, did you read the fine print
on this loan contract?
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179. Um, if by read you mean
"imagined a naked lady," then, yes.
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180. Peter, listen.
The bank's taking all our stuff.
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181. And according to this,
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182. if you don't pay them within 48 hours,
they get the house, too.
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183. Oh, boy! I get to go live at the bank!
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184. Meg, did I ever tell you
that if you're on birth control,
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185. and you take an antibiotic,
it makes it not work?
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186. Because no one told me.
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187. I thought you should know.
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188. Look, Mom, I don't really feel like
talking right now, okay?
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189. Fine. I just don't understand
why we had to leave the spa so early.
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190. Look, I just want to go home,
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191. and spend the next three days
in solitary confinement,
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192. where I belong.
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193. Well, I tried.
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194. Mom, what the hell
are we doing here?
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195. This is where you wanted to be,
right, honey?
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196. Yeah, but not with you.
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197. Hey, did you hear what happened
to that dude from U. Mass?
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198. He got so drunk,
he fell off his hotel balcony.
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199. He's in a coma.
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200. Oh, man, I want to party with him.
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201. - You know it!
- Yeah!
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202. - Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
- Woo! Woo! Woo!
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203. Hey, look, Meg made it, you guys.
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204. Yeah, and she brought her mommy.
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205. Oh, my God.
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206. Come on, Meg, get out of the car.
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207. Like the kids say,
"Up your nose with a rubber hose."
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208. Whoo!
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209. Hey, look, everybody,
it's Spuds McKenzie.
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210. Well, that's the last of the furniture.
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211. No TV. I miss my friends,
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212. John Ritter and Florence Henderson
and Alfonso Ribeiro.
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213. Is he the guy from Silver Spoons?
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214. Um, uh... No, he was on
French Prince of Bel Air.
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215. Fresh Prince.
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216. Fresh Prince of Bel Air,
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217. but, you know, I don't know
if was also on...
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218. - Hey, Alfonso.
- Yeah?
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219. - Were you on Silver Spoons?
- Yes, I was.
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220. Oh, there you go.
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221. Come on, just a little higher, honey.
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222. Mom, I don't think I can...
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223. Hey, who's holding Lois?
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224. I don't know. Some dude named Mel.
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225. This is Carson Daly,
and we're live here at Spring Break.
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226. Who wants to party?
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227. Okay, one, two, three, four, five.
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228. Okay, we're going to need cake
and juice for 14 people.
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229. All right, now let's go to Tom Green,
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230. who's going to do something
really outrageous.
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231. Does anyone out there like me yet?
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232. Can I stop this?
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233. Hey, what the hell
are you doing in my house?
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234. Your house?
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235. This is my house.
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236. My wife and I bought it from the bank.
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237. But I still got another day
to pay back the loan.
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238. The bank said it wouldn't matter,
because you're a fat, deadbeat loser.
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239. Fat, deadbeat loser?
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240. Well, sir, while I may not agree
with what you say,
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241. I'll defend to the death
your right to say it.
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242. There we are. Its a Van Gogh print.
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243. Isn't it beautiful?
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244. Oh, yes, I've often fantasized
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245. about what this house would be like
with more culture.
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246. - The port is quite good.
- Yes, quite good.
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247. - Indeed.
- Most certainly.
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248. - What year is it? Delectable.
- '51.
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249. - Indeed.
- Yes.
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250. - Oh, dear.
- What is it?
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251. - I've spontaneously combusted.
- Oh, I am sorry.
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252. It's quite all right.
I've grown tired of living.
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253. - Very good, then.
- For the best.
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254. - Indeed.
- Is it raining again?
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255. Hey, did you hear the one about us?
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256. Wow, you're such a good dancer.
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257. Way to go on that beer bong.
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258. Yeah, no fake. No fake.
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259. Mom!
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260. Hey, what are you doing here?
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261. What am I doing here?
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262. I've been waiting out here for hours.
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263. What?
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264. You were supposed
to pop inside real quick
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265. and find someone
who looked enough like me
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266. so I could use their ID.
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267. And then you were supposed to come out
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268. and give me the ID so I could get inside.
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269. What?
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270. God, it's like talking
to a three year old.
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271. Oh, you know what?
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272. You need to learn
how to loosen up a little, toots.
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273. Yeah, I get the feeling
you're loose enough for the both of us.
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274. - What?
- Nothing.
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275. That's right, nothing.
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276. Don't you sass me.
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277. Good evening. Stevenson residence.
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278. Chris, honey, we've been over this
a thousand times.
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279. It's pronounced Griffin.
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280. Hi, Mom.
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281. Hi, Chris.
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282. Put your father on.
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283. Hey, Dad.
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284. And the French guy says,
"Deodorant? What's that?"
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285. All right, all right.
I've... I've got one.
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286. I've got one.
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287. Um, okay, two men are standing
at the pearly gates...
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288. Oh, God, wait,
how did that one go?
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289. Well, anyway, it turns out
they're Siegfried and Roy.
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290. I'm no good at telling jokes.
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291. Dad, it's Mom.
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292. Oh, God, please be Somerset Maugham.
Please be Somerset Maugham.
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293. Hello?
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294. - Peter?
- Damn.
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295. I was just calling
to check in with my boys.
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296. See how you guys are doing.
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297. Oh, uh, we're fine.
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298. What's all that noise?
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299. Uh, nothing. Nothing.
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300. Peter,
I need you to take out the trash.
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301. Okay, Lois.
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302. Lois, I got to go.
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303. Holy crap, Brian, what am I going to do?
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304. Lois is going to be home
in a couple of days,
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305. and we're getting kicked out
of the house tomorrow.
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306. What do you suggest?
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307. Get out your ring.
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308. Peter, that's not going to...
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309. Come on!
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310. Wondertwin powers, activate!
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311. Form of... Steam!
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312. Peter, we got these
in a box of Frankenberry.
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313. A jackal! Jackal! It's a jackal!
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314. It looks like a jackal! Jackal! Jackal!
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315. It's a Jackal! Jackal!
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316. Time!
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317. It wasn't right
the first time you said it,
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318. why the hell would it be right
the next ten times?
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319. God!
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320. Oh, man, I am screwed.
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321. I'm going to lose my house,
and my boat and everything.
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322. How am I going to come up
with 50 grand by tomorrow?
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323. You could whore yourself out
to a thousand fat chicks
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324. for 50 bucks apiece.
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325. Or 50 really fat chicks
for a thousand bucks.
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326. What? Don't look at me like that.
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327. Fat chicks need love, too...
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328. But they got to pay.
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329. Ah, what is this?
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330. Sea water. Courtesy
of that gentleman over there.
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331. You need 50 grand, Griffin?
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332. Well, I got a suggestion for you.
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333. Why don't you kill Daggermouth?
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334. Maybe I will, Hennessey.
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335. You'd be buying yourself
a one-way ticket to a watery grave.
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336. Daggermouth is the meanest,
most ruthless creature
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337. that's ever inhabited the sea.
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338. Legend has it he dwells
out by Fish Stench Cove.
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339. He'll kill any man
that comes near there.
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340. I saw him once.
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341. Sure, I'm blind in one eye,
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342. and my other eye was infected that day
from picking at it,
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343. and I was tired,
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344. and I'd been swimming in a pool
with too much chlorine,
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345. and that was the hour
my glasses were at Lenscrafters,
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346. but I seen that fish!
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347. Well, if there's 50 grand in it,
I don't think I got a choice.
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348. Well, you could whore yourself out
to a thousand fat chicks for 50 bucks.
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349. No, we covered that.
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350. You ain't got a chance, Griffin.
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351. Daggermouth killed my friend, Salty,
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352. and he was twice the fisherman you are.
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353. And half the weight.
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354. Hey, no. No. Hot.
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355. He's right, Peter.
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356. It'd be suicide to go after that fish.
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357. There's got to be another way.
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358. We could have a bake sale.
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359. Oh, now, see,
I think that's a neat idea.
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360. No, I am not going to let my family
live on the street.
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361. Not even if it means
ending up like Seamus here.
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362. Now, if you'll excuse me,
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363. I have a date with destiny.
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364. So, were you, like,
in an accident or what?
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365. No. Me father was a tree.
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366. What's wrong with me?
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367. I got to be crazy to think
I can kill that man-eating fish.
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368. I mean, what the hell am I doing?
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369. Hey, hey, hey.
Come on, Peter.
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370. What kind of talk is that?
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371. Yeah, you can do it.
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372. - Who's my big, brave boy, huh?
- Me.
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373. - Who's my big, brave boy?
- Me.
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374. - This sucks, Mom.
- Meg, stop moping.
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375. These are the best years of your life.
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376. Now, let's get up there
and live a little, huh?
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377. Mom! I look like an idiot.
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378. No, you don't.
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379. Come on. Just move your hips a little,
like this.
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380. Lois, Lois, Lois, Lois...
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381. Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg...
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382. Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg...
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383. Attagirl. Shake your moneymaker!
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384. Oh, my God! It's a chick!
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385. All right, everybody. This party's over.
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386. Hey, why do you cops
always have to kill our buzz?
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387. He used a teenage colloquialism.
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388. Get the tear gas.
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389. Not so fast, big guy.
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390. What are you guys doing here?
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391. We're going to help you kill the fish.
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392. But this is going to be dangerous.
We could all die.
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393. Oh, come on.
You're our best friend, Peter.
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394. Besides, I can remember a time
when you saved all our butts.
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395. Uh-uh! Uh-uh!
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396. Hyah!
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397. Yeah, too bad I didn't get there
till after the sodomy.
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398. All right, let's go kick
some fish ass, eh?
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399. I can't believe I just showed
everyone my tater tots.
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400. Worst of all, now I'm going to have
a police record!
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401. Now, Meg, if you're going to grab
a hold of life,
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402. you've got to expect
to get your hands dirty once in a while.
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403. It was kind of cool
that people noticed me.
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404. That's the spirit, honey.
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405. Okay. One, two, three, tuck and roll!
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406. Ah. We're right on course, guys.
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407. Give me another beer.
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408. Ah. You know,
these are the precious moments,
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409. the four of us out at sea,
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410. miles away from civilization,
tossing back brews.
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411. - Amen.
- You got that right.
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412. Hey, hey, you guys. Here's one for you.
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413. Let's say none of us were married.
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414. If you could have any woman in the world,
who would it be?
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415. Mariel Hemingway.
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416. - Ah, come on! Really?
- That's not a very good choice.
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417. She's so jagged.
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418. No, no. I think she's very attractive
in a classical kind of way.
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419. Yeah, but you could cut a roast
on her face.
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420. I would go with Margaret Thatcher.
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421. - Margaret Thatcher?
- Margaret Thatcher?
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422. - Why the hell Margaret Thatcher?
- Ew!
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423. Oh, so nobody here thinks power is sexy?
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424. Not one of you finds power sexy?
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425. - How about you, Peter?
- Like you gotta ask.
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426. The chick with the three knockers
from Total Recall.
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427. - Interesting.
- I never saw that movie.
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428. Hey, you know, one of them
was papier maché, right?
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429. Oh, gee! Can I change my ans...
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430. Of course, I know it's paper...
I don't care!
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431. What's wrong with you.
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432. - So, what about you, Quagmire?
- Taylor Hanson.
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433. Taylor Hanson's a guy.
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434. Oh, you guys are yanking me!
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435. Ha! Hey, let's put one
over on old Quagmire!
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436. No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
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437. What...
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438. Well, this is insane!
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439. That's impossible!
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440. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
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441. Oh, my God!
I can... Oh, God, I...
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442. Oh, I got all these magazines...
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443. Oh, God, oh, God!
Oh, God!
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444. This must be Fish Stench Cove.
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445. Right now, all we got to do
is find the fish.
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446. I wonder where that fish did go.
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447. A fish, a fish, a fishy, oh.
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448. I heard that when Daggermouth eats you,
he devours your guts first.
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449. I heard he doesn't just eat you,
he eats your soul.
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450. I heard that one of Shannon Doherty's eyes
is off-center,
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451. 'cause it's trying to escape.
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452. Welcome, gentlemen.
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453. It's him! Quick, shoot him!
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454. Not so fast.
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455. Perhaps I could offer you a glass of port,
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456. and you a glass of starboard.
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457. That's a little nautical joke.
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458. I'm a fish, you see.
I'm also delightfully mad.
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459. Oh, dear. Would you mind holding still
for a moment?
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460. These antique pistols
take about ten minutes to reload.
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461. Peter, catch!
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462. Ow! Don't throw stuff at me, Joe.
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463. Peter, shoot him!
Oh, yeah. Right.
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464. My God.
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465. Isn't it amazing that that's what
we all look like on the inside?
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466. It's a robot, you idiot.
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467. - Who are you?
- I'm Salty.
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468. Salty? But everybody said
you were killed by that fish.
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469. That's what I wanted them to think.
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470. I disappeared and spread
the Daggermouth rumor myself.
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471. - Why?
- Merchandise.
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472. Daggermouth T-shirts, mugs, posters,
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473. and I'm in talks with Nickelodeon
for a cartoon show.
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474. Figured I'd pair him with an
effeminate cat. What do you think?
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475. - Yeah, I'd watch that.
- Sure, sure.
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476. - Yeah, me, too.
- Sounds like a good balance.
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477. And now I'm going
to give you $50,000 to be on your way.
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478. $50,000? But why?
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479. To keep your mouth shut,
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480. and because the longer we stay here,
the more people are going to question
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481. how a fisherman
with no engineering background
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482. managed to build
a sophisticated talking fish robot.
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483. You know, honey,
I'm really sorry for how I acted...
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484. Getting so drunk
and ditching you at the bar,
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485. and letting those boys
take pictures of you
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486. while you were sleeping.
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487. I was so busy having fun,
I guess I kind of ruined it for you.
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488. Uh-oh. We got company.
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489. Looks like your fans are back, Mom.
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490. Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg...
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491. No, I think this one's all yours.
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492. - Whoo!
- You go, girl.
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493. See?
One's an innie and one's an outie.
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494. And now, back to
Daggermouth and Boom Boom
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495. on Nickelodeon.
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496. Boom Boom, did you do
your exercises today?
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497. Yes. I did 20 laps
and I'm about to do 20 more.
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498. - Oh, you...
- Yikes!
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499. Oh, Peter, I'm so glad being a fisherman
is working out for you.
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500. You know, I got to admit,
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501. I half expected to come home
and all our stuff would be gone,
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502. and we'd owe somebody
a whole lot of money.
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503. How can you half expect something?
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504. I... I don't know.
It's just a turn of phrase.
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505. How do you turn a phrase?
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506. God, you're dumb.
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507. Thank God for that ass.
Now, come here and kiss me.
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508. - Goodnight, honey.
- Goodnight, Lois.
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509. Goodnight, Jim and Abbie.
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510. Goodnight.
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511. Not now, Abbie.
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