1. "It seems today that all you seeCopy !req
2. "is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
3. "But where are those good,
old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
4. "on which we used to rely?Copy !req
5. "Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
6. "Lucky there's a man who'll
positively tell youCopy !req
7. "all the things that make usCopy !req
8. "laugh 'n' cryCopy !req
9. "He's a family guy"Copy !req
10. Boy, that lotion sure feels good.Copy !req
11. Sure is hot!Copy !req
12. And it just got hotter!Copy !req
13. Here, now let me do you.Copy !req
14. Pawtucket Patriot Beer.Copy !req
15. If you buy it,
hot women will have sex in your backyard.Copy !req
16. Typical male fantasy.Copy !req
17. Women drinking beer.Copy !req
18. I guarantee you
a man made that commercial.Copy !req
19. Of course a man made it.Copy !req
20. It's a commercial,
not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.Copy !req
21. Dad, we won a boat!
We won a boat!Copy !req
22. Holy crap! We did!
We won a free freakin' boat!Copy !req
23. Dad, nobody gives things away for free.Copy !req
24. That's not true.Copy !req
25. I know people who give things away.Copy !req
26. Free Tibet! Free Tibet!Copy !req
27. I'll take it!Copy !req
28. Hello, China?Copy !req
29. I have something you may want.Copy !req
30. But it's gonna cost you.Copy !req
31. That's right. All the tea.Copy !req
32. I knew there was a catch.Copy !req
33. You have to sit through one of those
awful time-share presentations.Copy !req
34. That's a small price to pay.Copy !req
35. I am gonna be the first one
on Spooner Street to have his own boat!Copy !req
36. Whoa! All hands on deck!
I'm getting a boat!Copy !req
37. Hey, Quagmire.
I'm also getting a boat, too.Copy !req
38. Right on!
I can't wait to get my sea legs! Yeah!Copy !req
39. Well, at least I'll be the fattest guy
on Spooner Street to get a boat.Copy !req
40. Hey, hey, hey! I'm getting a boat!Copy !req
41. Oh, man!
Even Della Reese is getting a boat.Copy !req
42. These wonderful homes
on this beautifully secluded island...Copy !req
43. can be yours
with almost no strings attached.Copy !req
44. Beautiful island.Copy !req
45. Nothing out of the ordinary here.
Just beautiful homes and nothing else.Copy !req
46. Each residence has 200 feet
of pristine oceanfront.Copy !req
47. No city noise, no flesh-eating ogres,
no pollution.Copy !req
48. I hate these high-pressure
sales situations.Copy !req
49. That's so cute.Copy !req
50. You're afraid that
because you're a woman...Copy !req
51. you'll do something stupid
like buy that time-share...Copy !req
52. or not realize that I taped over
our wedding video with softcore porn.Copy !req
53. You taped over our wedding video?Copy !req
54. Relax, Lois.
I just taped over the boring stuff.Copy !req
55. The couple wrote their own vows,
which they will now recite to each other.Copy !req
56. Peter, I...Copy !req
57. The only reason I got myself arrested was
to find out what happened to my sister.Copy !req
58. Excuse me, ladies.
It's laundry time.Copy !req
59. It's so cold in here.Copy !req
60. I mean, look at my...Copy !req
61. Oh, my God, Peter!Copy !req
62. I sent a copy of that tape
to my Great Aunt Lil!Copy !req
63. This wedding is hot!Copy !req
64. Wake up, damn it! Wake up!Copy !req
65. Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.Copy !req
66. I know you've been here all day.Copy !req
67. If you'll sign this contract,
I'll take your blank check...Copy !req
68. and you'll not be loving
your time-share before you know it.Copy !req
69. We're not gonna buy
your lousy time-share, all right?Copy !req
70. Now, where's my boat?Copy !req
71. Hold on. You have a choice.Copy !req
72. You can have the boat...Copy !req
73. or the mystery box.Copy !req
74. Are you crazy? We'll take the boat.Copy !req
75. Not so fast, Lois.Copy !req
76. A boat's a boat.
But the mystery box could be anything.Copy !req
77. It could even be a boat.Copy !req
78. You know how much we wanted one.Copy !req
79. - Then let's—
- We'll take the box.Copy !req
80. "We'll take the box."Copy !req
81. You gave up a boat
for free tickets to a crappy comedy club.Copy !req
82. You're acting like this is
the first time I've done something stupid.Copy !req
83. Remember the time
I was supposed to get that boat?Copy !req
84. A boat's a boat.
But the mystery box could be anything.Copy !req
85. It could even be a boat.Copy !req
86. You know how much we wanted one.Copy !req
87. - Then let's—
- We'll take the box.Copy !req
88. Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago.Copy !req
89. Who cares? I'll bet nobody took the boat.Copy !req
90. Who could resist the call
of the mystery box?Copy !req
91. Hey, look at me.
I'm in the boat.Copy !req
92. All right.Copy !req
93. Joe, look to the right.
It's the Griffins.Copy !req
94. We're nautical now, baby.
That's called "starboard."Copy !req
95. But I'll forgive you, because you
sex me up. Now, give me some sugar.Copy !req
96. Hey, neighbors! Where's your boat?Copy !req
97. We didn't take the boat.
We took the mystery box.Copy !req
98. Hop in.Copy !req
99. Hey, Quagmire.Copy !req
100. Maybe the comedian
will tell some jokes about boats...Copy !req
101. or boating, or owning a boat.Copy !req
102. Yeah, or maybe he'll tell some jokes
about being a sucker!Copy !req
103. Oh, Quagmire.Copy !req
104. You're what the Spaniards call
el terrible.Copy !req
105. What are you upset about?
I never knew you liked boats.Copy !req
106. Hey, boating's in my blood.
Ever since my great-grandfather...Copy !req
107. Huck Griffin,
rafted down the mighty Mississippi.Copy !req
108. What did you just call me?Copy !req
109. I thought that was your name.Copy !req
110. That is our word!
You've got no right using it!Copy !req
111. I'm cool. No problem.Copy !req
112. Could you pass me the oar, N-word Jim?Copy !req
113. Thank you.Copy !req
114. This comic sucks!Copy !req
115. He couldn't make me laugh,
even if I was laughing my ass off...Copy !req
116. and he was making me do it.Copy !req
117. Come on, Skinny! Make me laugh!Copy !req
118. Peter, that's a microphone stand.Copy !req
119. Pardon me for thinking a mic stand in
a comedy club should tell a joke or two.Copy !req
120. I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way.Copy !req
121. Hi. Welcome to—Copy !req
122. Very funny.Copy !req
123. Excuse me, sir. I haven't even—Copy !req
124. That one was hilarious!Copy !req
125. That was even funnier
than your first joke!Copy !req
126. - Hey, put skinny back up there.
- Peter!Copy !req
127. You think this is easy?
You want to try this?Copy !req
128. I thought you'd never ask.Copy !req
129. Maybe you shouldn't do this.Copy !req
130. You've never had a lot of luck
telling jokes.Copy !req
131. Okay, how many dirty, stinkin' apes
does it take to screw in a light bulb?Copy !req
132. Three.Copy !req
133. One dirty, stinkin' ape
to screw in the light bulb...Copy !req
134. and two dirty, stinkin' apes
to throw feces at each other.Copy !req
135. Don't worry. I got it under control.Copy !req
136. Hey, how about that Viagra?Copy !req
137. You know what that stuff does?Copy !req
138. Come on!Copy !req
139. What are you people, stupid?Copy !req
140. You like a little abuse, huh?Copy !req
141. Yeah. Well, you guys are stupid and ugly.Copy !req
142. If there was a stupid-and-ugly contest,
you'd all win!Copy !req
143. Or lose.Copy !req
144. Whichever is funnier.Copy !req
145. Hey, Lois.Copy !req
146. What do you call a woman
who takes forever to cook breakfast?Copy !req
147. I swear to God, Peter!Copy !req
148. You call her "Lois."Copy !req
149. Well, the fat man made a funny.
I rather enjoyed that.Copy !req
150. Yes, you cook very slowly.Copy !req
151. As a matter of fact,
if you were any slower at cooking...Copy !req
152. you wouldn't be cooking very fast
at all, now, would you?Copy !req
153. That one wasn't very good.Copy !req
154. They laughed because
it looked like you peed yourself...Copy !req
155. not because they liked your jokes.Copy !req
156. Maybe that was part of my act.Copy !req
157. Urine happens to be very edgy.Copy !req
158. I guess an unfunny person like you
wouldn't understand that.Copy !req
159. Okay, okay. I've got it.Copy !req
160. If you cooked any more slowly,
you wouldn't need an egg timer...Copy !req
161. you'd need an egg calendar!Copy !req
162. That's right. I went there.Copy !req
163. Okay, here's another one.Copy !req
164. Why do women have boobs?Copy !req
165. So you got something to look at
while you're talking to them!Copy !req
166. Good one, Peter.Copy !req
167. That's what they're for.Copy !req
168. Are you telling jokes?Copy !req
169. I love jokes.Copy !req
170. All right. Then you'll love this one.Copy !req
171. Why do women have boobs?Copy !req
172. So you got something to look at
while you're talking to them.Copy !req
173. So you got something to look at
while you're talking to them.Copy !req
174. You wanted to see me, Mr. Weed?Copy !req
175. Peter, we have a problem.Copy !req
176. Mr. Griffin, I'm Gloria Ironbox.Copy !req
177. I represent one of your co-workers,
Sarah Bennett.Copy !req
178. She's suing you and the company
for sexual harassment.Copy !req
179. Sarah, Sarah...Copy !req
180. Is she the one we videotaped
taking a dump?Copy !req
181. Why? What happened?Copy !req
182. Sexual harassment
is a very serious charge, Mr. Griffin.Copy !req
183. First, if I can speak in my own defense,
all I did was tell a little joke.Copy !req
184. Second of all, women are not people.Copy !req
185. They are devices built by the Lord
Jesus Christ for our entertainment.Copy !req
186. Peter, please!Copy !req
187. Miss Ironbox, I assure you, this company
in no way condones Peter's conduct.Copy !req
188. In fact, a film on employee relations...Copy !req
189. has been a mandatory part
of our personnel training for 50 years.Copy !req
190. Irrational, emotionally fragile by nature,
female coworkers are a peculiar animal.Copy !req
191. They are very insecure
about their appearance.Copy !req
192. Be sure to tell them
how good they look every day...Copy !req
193. even if they're homely and unkempt.Copy !req
194. You're doing a great job, Muriel,
and you're prettier than Mamie Van Doren.Copy !req
195. And remember, nothing says "good job"
like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.Copy !req
196. I teach a workplace-sensitivity training
class for the Women's Action Coalition.Copy !req
197. If Mr. Griffin completes my course,
we'll drop the lawsuit.Copy !req
198. I assure you, Peter will be there.
His job depends on it.Copy !req
199. Good. I'm looking forward to it.Copy !req
200. If I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian,
I'd say you were coming on to me.Copy !req
201. All right, now,
let's do some role-playing.Copy !req
202. I'll be the office assistant.Copy !req
203. Mr. Henson, why don't you play the boss,
and we'll see what you've learned?Copy !req
204. Okay.Copy !req
205. The filing is done, Mr. Henson.Copy !req
206. Thank you.Copy !req
207. You are a valued member of our team...Copy !req
208. and every bit as important
to this company as I am.Copy !req
209. Excellent.Copy !req
210. Mr. Griffin, why don't you come up here
and give it a try?Copy !req
211. All right.Copy !req
212. The filing's done, Mr. Griffin.Copy !req
213. Thank you, Miss Ironbox.Copy !req
214. You are a valued member
of our business team.Copy !req
215. And I will give you a raise tomorrow
if you come to work without a shirt on.Copy !req
216. Mr. Griffin!Copy !req
217. I'm sorry. That came out wrong.
Let me try again.Copy !req
218. Nice ass.Copy !req
219. You haven't heard a word I've said!Copy !req
220. Now that's not fair.
I've heard everything you said.Copy !req
221. There's some subtleties to the rules
that aren't so easy to understand.Copy !req
222. Okay, that's it!Copy !req
223. Obviously, normal sensitivity training
isn't enough for you!Copy !req
224. No, we're gonna have to do
something drastic.Copy !req
225. A week at a women's retreat.
What am I supposed to learn from that?Copy !req
226. Well, face it, Peter. Your attitude
towards women isn't exactly enlightened.Copy !req
227. That's a bad mud puddle.Copy !req
228. I wouldn't want you to step in that
and get your nice shoes all ruined.Copy !req
229. Then you got caught
peeping in the ladies' locker room.Copy !req
230. Okay, move the towel.
Move the towel.Copy !req
231. Oh! They spotted me.Copy !req
232. Peter, I think this'll be good for you.Copy !req
233. You know I love you,
but I have to admit, there are times...Copy !req
234. when I wish you were
a little more sensitive and...Copy !req
235. Look at me! Look at me!Copy !req
236. Hello, ladies.
I'm Miss Watson, director of the retreat.Copy !req
237. I'd like to welcome Peter Griffin...Copy !req
238. who's here to get in touch
with his feminine side.Copy !req
239. This world would be a far better place
if there were more men like him.Copy !req
240. Okay, so here's what I'm thinking.Copy !req
241. I'll be Charlie,
and you can all be my Angels.Copy !req
242. Except you.Copy !req
243. You'll be Bosley.Copy !req
244. We women have
so much strength inside us.Copy !req
245. If we can endure the pain of childbirth...Copy !req
246. just imagine what else
we're capable of!Copy !req
247. - That's true.
- Right on, sister!Copy !req
248. Come on.Copy !req
249. It's only childbirth.
How much can it hurt?Copy !req
250. It's like taking your bottom lip...Copy !req
251. and stretching it over your head
to the back of your neck!Copy !req
252. Come on.
You want to hear some horror stories.Copy !req
253. You wouldn't believe what I had
to go through when Lois was pregnant.Copy !req
254. Women are made to feel
competitive with each other...Copy !req
255. when we should be supportive.Copy !req
256. Lizzie, I know you feel alone and
unattractive since your husband left you.Copy !req
257. But you are a beautiful person,
and I am here for you.Copy !req
258. Notice I'm making physical contact with
her in order to establish a connection.Copy !req
259. I think you'd make more of
a connection if you hugged her.Copy !req
260. Very good, Peter. That's true.Copy !req
261. That's it. Now rub her back.Copy !req
262. Okay, that's good.Copy !req
263. Yeah, comfort her.
Yeah, you like that, don't you?Copy !req
264. Yeah, it's okay. It's okay to like it.
It's very natural.Copy !req
265. Okay, good.Copy !req
266. Now smell her a little.Copy !req
267. I can't do it!Copy !req
268. Yes, you can! Trust your sisters!
Jump into the trust quilt!Copy !req
269. Jump! Jump! Trust us! We love you!Copy !req
270. We'll catch you!Copy !req
271. Wonderful.Copy !req
272. Okay! Me next! Me next!Copy !req
273. Okay, ladies. I'm gonna start
with a Greg Louganis triple-Salchow...Copy !req
274. and tuck into
a flying Mary Lou Retton half-calf.Copy !req
275. Now that you've felt
a woman's pain, the learning can begin.Copy !req
276. Bye!Copy !req
277. Welcome back, Peter.Copy !req
278. Lois! I missed you so much!Copy !req
279. And my babies!Copy !req
280. Chris, be a munchkin,
and bring my bags inside, huh?Copy !req
281. Peter, you're—Copy !req
282. Brian, put the tea on. I have stories.Copy !req
283. First I'm gonna go freshen up
and rinse out a few things.Copy !req
284. Oh, fudge. I broke a nail. Excuse me.Copy !req
285. Oh, my God. Dad's a chick.Copy !req
286. I can't remember
the last time we cuddled like this.Copy !req
287. I can't remember
the last time I loved you so much!Copy !req
288. How did you get so sweet?Copy !req
289. When I was born, my mommy
dunked me in a barrel of sugar.Copy !req
290. Oh, for God's sake!Copy !req
291. Oh, yes, I'll have the coffee cake.Copy !req
292. - Hello?
- Hey, Quagmire.Copy !req
293. - Hey, Peter. What's up?
- Not much.Copy !req
294. Well, what do you want?Copy !req
295. Nothin'. I'm just calling to talk.Copy !req
296. What you thinking about?Copy !req
297. What do you mean? You called me!Copy !req
298. I just wanted to say hi.Copy !req
299. So, what are you...Copy !req
300. Sometimes I just can't believe
we could make something so beautiful.Copy !req
301. He looks just like his father.Copy !req
302. I really appreciate
all the hard work you did...Copy !req
303. giving birth and mothering our kids.Copy !req
304. I'll never know that joy.Copy !req
305. Peter, I'm sure you would've been
a great mother if you had the chance.Copy !req
306. - You think so?
- I know so.Copy !req
307. One of these days,
I'm gonna need the mirror.Copy !req
308. Oh, beans!
I can't get this spit curl to...Copy !req
309. Lois, what day is it?Copy !req
310. - Thursday.
- Oh, my God! I'm late!Copy !req
311. If you spent less time fixing your hair—Copy !req
312. No, Lois. I'm "late" late!
Do we still have that pregnancy test?Copy !req
313. Are you insane? You can't have a baby!Copy !req
314. Well, I don't have a lot of options.
I'm Catholic!Copy !req
315. God, I thought you'd be happy!Copy !req
316. Oh, this is just great!Copy !req
317. Now my own wife is forced to cook dinner
for her lousy husband?Copy !req
318. Peter, you're my husband!
At least you used to be.Copy !req
319. Oh, mother, I come bearing a gift.
I'll give you a hint.Copy !req
320. It's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster.Copy !req
321. - Meg, can you change Stewie?
- Fine.Copy !req
322. But this time, if a boy calls,
don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopie.Copy !req
323. Honey, I'm glad
you discovered your feminine side.Copy !req
324. But I didn't want you to forget
about mine.Copy !req
325. Remember this?Copy !req
326. Remember?Copy !req
327. Oh, my God! That reminds me!
I gotta give myself a breast exam.Copy !req
328. Uh-oh!Copy !req
329. A lump! Oh, God!Copy !req
330. No, Cheeto.Copy !req
331. Lois!Copy !req
332. How expected.Copy !req
333. Hi, Glen. I'm sorry to bother you.
Is this a bad time?Copy !req
334. Never a bad time when you're
with the Q-Man. Come on in.Copy !req
335. Well, as you may have noticed,Copy !req
336. Peter's been acting
a little different lately.Copy !req
337. It was refreshing at first. But now...Copy !req
338. Well, he doesn't even
treat me like a woman anymore.Copy !req
339. I know where this is going, Lois!Copy !req
340. And I'm already semi-there.Copy !req
341. Anyways, Glen,
I was wondering if you and Cleveland...Copy !req
342. could help change Peter
back to the way he was.Copy !req
343. Of course that's why you're here!Copy !req
344. Don't worry, Lois.
I'd do everything to you.Copy !req
345. - What?
- I'd do anything for you.Copy !req
346. Come on, Cleveland.Copy !req
347. If we're gonna re-masculate Peter,
we need chicks!Copy !req
348. Let's blow this
and hit the International House of Tail.Copy !req
349. No.Copy !req
350. He needs to learn how
to respect his fellow man.Copy !req
351. That's what this march is all about.Copy !req
352. Respect for your fellow man.Copy !req
353. I can't respect men.Copy !req
354. Men are the reason
our world is in such lousy shape.Copy !req
355. If men were as caring as women,
we wouldn't have crime or violence.Copy !req
356. Brothers, we stand together—
Excuse me!Copy !req
357. I'd like to say a couple of truths
to the men in this audience.Copy !req
358. It's your fault we have so much crime
in this country!Copy !req
359. And it's your fault we have so much
violence in this country!Copy !req
360. You are ruining our society,
and you should be ashamed!Copy !req
361. I don't care
how many letters we gotta write.Copy !req
362. The View should be on for three hours.Copy !req
363. You just get going,
and boom, it's News at Noon.Copy !req
364. - Can we go soon?
- Not yet.Copy !req
365. Gloria Ironbox and Camille Paglia
are gonna see whose is bigger.Copy !req
366. Peter, I'm so glad you could make it.Copy !req
367. Gloria, this is my life partner, Lois.Copy !req
368. I'm his wife.Copy !req
369. His "wife." Yes.Copy !req
370. Peter tells me
you don't have a career of your own.Copy !req
371. No.Copy !req
372. Life outside my kitchen
is so bright and scary.Copy !req
373. I'm just here because
you caught me between pregnancies.Copy !req
374. I'm sorry you're so hostile
toward someone who's fighting...Copy !req
375. so a woman like you
can become more than just a housewife.Copy !req
376. Oh, just a housewife?Copy !req
377. Look, I'm all for equality...Copy !req
378. but if you ask me,
feminism is about choice.Copy !req
379. I choose to be a wife and mother.Copy !req
380. And now I'm choosing
to end this conversation.Copy !req
381. No wonder your husband
didn't respect women.Copy !req
382. Excuse me?Copy !req
383. I can't imagine how screwed up
your kids must be.Copy !req
384. You bitch!Copy !req
385. Ten banana-cream pies!Copy !req
386. Holy crap! This is hot!Copy !req
387. Lois, we gotta go!Copy !req
388. That was wonderful.Copy !req
389. Who said that?Copy !req
390. Oh, hi, Lois.
I'm starving. How about a sandwich?Copy !req
391. Glad to have you back, Peter.Copy !req
392. Lois, less talkie, more fetchie.Copy !req
393. I'm just gonna assume
that's Chinese for "I love you."Copy !req