1. "It seems today that all you seeCopy !req
2. "is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
3. "But where are those good,
old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
4. "on which we used to rely?Copy !req
5. "Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
6. "Lucky there's a man who'll
positively tell youCopy !req
7. "all the things that make usCopy !req
8. "laugh 'n' cryCopy !req
9. "He's a family guy"Copy !req
10. It was a moving scene today
at Hatch Pond...Copy !req
11. as six members of the Pawtucket
fire department struggled valiantly...Copy !req
12. to save a fish's life
trapped under the frozen ice.Copy !req
13. Rescue workers got the fish
out of the water...Copy !req
14. but unfortunately
it died shortly after.Copy !req
15. Diane?Copy !req
16. Tom, another life
was tragically cut short today.Copy !req
17. Robert Kimble, founder of a local theater
group known as the Quahog Players...Copy !req
18. passed away this afternoon.Copy !req
19. Oh, my God!Copy !req
20. Kimble was a hands-on director who
often appeared in his own shows...Copy !req
21. most recently, Miss Saigon.Copy !req
22. "La la la la la, Miss SaigonCopy !req
23. "La la la la la, Miss Saigon"Copy !req
24. Yes, I just heard. It's so sad.Copy !req
25. Really?Copy !req
26. They want me to be the new
artistic director of the Quahog Players!Copy !req
27. - All right, Mom!
- Are you gonna do it?Copy !req
28. I don't know.
It's such a big responsibility.Copy !req
29. I need a moment to think.Copy !req
30. Okay, I'll do it.Copy !req
31. This just in.
Lois Griffin is named the newCopy !req
32. artistic director of the Quahog Players.Copy !req
33. All those years of paying my dues
as musical director...Copy !req
34. under that old hack
have finally paid off.Copy !req
35. Lois, congratulations.Copy !req
36. Our little theater group finally has
a committed visionary at its helm.Copy !req
37. And such an attractive one.Copy !req
38. Brian, you'll have to audition
just like everyone else.Copy !req
39. God, of course. I...Copy !req
40. You didn't think... You thought I was...Copy !req
41. Lois!Copy !req
42. - I can paint scenery.
- Can I be in the show, Mom?Copy !req
43. Yes, you can be the dumpy teenager
who stays backstage and cries...Copy !req
44. because nobody finds her attractive.Copy !req
45. - Hey, you guys.
- Peter, guess what? I am gonna—Copy !req
46. Me first! Mr. Weed said
whoever comes up with the best idea...Copy !req
47. for the big Christmas toy this year
gets a huge bonus.Copy !req
48. Hey, Dad,
why don't you invent the Frisbee?Copy !req
49. That's an awesome toy.Copy !req
50. - It's already been invented.
- Then how come I never heard of it?Copy !req
51. This is my chance to prove
how valuable I am to the company!Copy !req
52. Sorry, Lois. What's your news?Copy !req
53. Well, I...Copy !req
54. Mr. Weed,
distinguished members of the board...Copy !req
55. may I present
this year's hottest toy...Copy !req
56. Mr. Zucchini Head.Copy !req
57. He's got stupid cool hip-hop style
with his little hat and his Doc Martens.Copy !req
58. Thank you, Peter, that's enough.Copy !req
59. Wait. This is the best part! He dances!Copy !req
60. MAN #1: I've seen enough.
MAN #2: Inappropriate.Copy !req
61. MAN #3: I haven't had sex in ages.Copy !req
62. Gentlemen,
I apologize for wasting your time.Copy !req
63. Peter is an adequate
assembly-line worker...Copy !req
64. but you'll be happy to know
our company does not pay him to think.Copy !req
65. I'll take this.Copy !req
66. No calls.Copy !req
67. Come on, kids! The director can't be late
for the auditions.Copy !req
68. You should've heard them laughing at me.Copy !req
69. I got great ideas, but they look at me,
and all they see is a loser.Copy !req
70. Except that guy with the lazy eye.
He sees a loser and the snack machine.Copy !req
71. Peter, a lot of creative people
had mindless jobs.Copy !req
72. Michelangelo worked in a marble quarry.Copy !req
73. Herman Melville was a customs agent.Copy !req
74. Albert Einstein
worked for the patent office.Copy !req
75. And what is it you want to patent,
Herr Smith?Copy !req
76. I call it "Smith's Theory of Relativity."Copy !req
77. - Hey, look at this.
- What?Copy !req
78. I think Lois is saying that...Copy !req
79. you have to find a way
to express yourself creatively.Copy !req
80. For example, Chris has his drawing,Copy !req
81. Meg does her birdcalls,
I sing beautifully.Copy !req
82. So I've heard.Copy !req
83. And Lois has her theater group.Copy !req
84. Yes. And for my first production,
I've chosen The King and I.Copy !req
85. It's a wonderful story
about a loving, patient woman...Copy !req
86. who introduces culture and civility
to a barbaric, patriarchal...Copy !req
87. Peter, please don't wipe your nose
on the couch.Copy !req
88. Look, I have to go.Copy !req
89. Part of being creative is figuring out
what you're good at.Copy !req
90. I know you can do it
if you put your mind to it.Copy !req
91. You're right. Man was meant to create.
That's why God invented Shrinky Dinks.Copy !req
92. It works! Look how tiny they are!Copy !req
93. "Oh, no not in springtimeCopy !req
94. "summer, winter, or fallCopy !req
95. "No, never would I leave youCopy !req
96. "at all"Copy !req
97. Bravo!Copy !req
98. Brian, that was beautiful!
Thank you!Copy !req
99. No, thank you.Copy !req
100. And that note you gave me, "louder,"
I was thinking that, and then you said it.Copy !req
101. You're so intuitive.
It's a pleasure—Copy !req
102. Okay. Next!Copy !req
103. Stewie, do you want to try out
for Mommy's play?Copy !req
104. "Now is the winter of our discontent
made glorious summer by this sun of York.Copy !req
105. - "And all—"
- Why don't you sing Itsy Bitsy Spider?Copy !req
106. How dare you reduce
my finely hewn thespian stylings...Copy !req
107. to mere Mother Gooseries!Copy !req
108. Sing Baa Baa Black Sheep!Copy !req
109. Mother, as first lady
of the American stage,Copy !req
110. Helen Hayes, once said:Copy !req
111. "I'm going to kill you!"Copy !req
112. Hey, can somebody give me a hand
with all this talent?Copy !req
113. Peter, what are you doing here?Copy !req
114. Well, Lois, I tried finding my creativity,
like you said.Copy !req
115. First I took an art class.Copy !req
116. Am I supposed to draw the penis?Copy !req
117. Then I tried sculpting.Copy !req
118. Am I supposed to sculpt the penis?Copy !req
119. Then I tried music.Copy !req
120. Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?Copy !req
121. I started to think
there was nothing I'd be good at.Copy !req
122. But then I realized that this is it.Copy !req
123. Lois, my penis belongs on stage.Copy !req
124. Wait, Peter, everyone has to audition.
You know, sing, dance.Copy !req
125. I get it.Copy !req
126. Hello, everybody.Copy !req
127. This is just a formality,
since I happen to be doing the director.Copy !req
128. Five, six, seven, eight.Copy !req
129. "Marshall, Will, and Holly,
on a routine expeditionCopy !req
130. "Met the greatest earthquake ever knownCopy !req
131. "High on the rapids,
it struck their tiny raftCopy !req
132. "And plunged them down
a thousand feet belowCopy !req
133. "to the Land of the Lost"Copy !req
134. Before I post the cast list...Copy !req
135. my choreographer and I
want to thank everyone for auditioning.Copy !req
136. - You were all great.
- Weren't they?Copy !req
137. I only wish the show was called
The King and Us...Copy !req
138. so I could cast you all.Copy !req
139. Anna! Baby, baby! I'm a star!Copy !req
140. Wow. I've never hugged a celebrity before.Copy !req
141. Except for Pearl Bailey
at a book signing once...Copy !req
142. but then we later found out
it wasn't actually her.Copy !req
143. Siamese baby?
Stewie Griffin does not play bit parts!Copy !req
144. You wanted a bigger part,
didn't you, sweetie?Copy !req
145. To hell with you!Copy !req
146. Perhaps I'll skip the stage
and go directly to films!Copy !req
147. - Hello.
- What is that on your ear?Copy !req
148. Is that hair gel?Copy !req
149. - Yeah.
- Great, 'cause I could use some.Copy !req
150. - No, don't!
- I just ran out.Copy !req
151. Man! Chorus! Shoot, what a gyp!Copy !req
152. The King of Siam? Why,
that's the lead! This is so unexpected!Copy !req
153. Hey, shut up!Copy !req
154. The King of Siam? Why, that's the lead!Copy !req
155. Lois, I think you made a mistake.
I'm not "The King."Copy !req
156. I'm not "I," I'm not anybody.Copy !req
157. - So, what? I had sex with you for nothing?
- No, Peter, I...Copy !req
158. It's just that directing this show
is a big opportunity for me...Copy !req
159. and I don't want anything to ruin it.Copy !req
160. - Ruin it?
- Yes.Copy !req
161. By not using you to your full potential.Copy !req
162. You have too much talent for the stage.Copy !req
163. You should...Copy !req
164. You should be a producer.Copy !req
165. A producer? Gee, I don't know.Copy !req
166. Great news, Edgar Bronfman, Jr.Copy !req
167. We made the deal.
We're richer and more powerful than ever!Copy !req
168. I'm the king of the...Copy !req
169. Damn it!Copy !req
170. I love Mexicans. I'll do it!Copy !req
171. Hang on, hang on!
You overextended the plié!Copy !req
172. You screwed it all up.
Let me show you again.Copy !req
173. Okay, boys! Let's do it!Copy !req
174. And one, two, three.Copy !req
175. And just like this.
And watch my feet. And one, two, three.Copy !req
176. Peter, Chris says you told him
to build a set for the North Pole.Copy !req
177. Yeah, that's where Anna goes
to talk with her best friend, a penguin.Copy !req
178. There is no talking penguin
in The King and I.Copy !req
179. There is in
"Peter Griffin presents The King and I."Copy !req
180. What?Copy !req
181. Now we gotta think of
some funny stuff for him to say.Copy !req
182. Peter, the director decides
whether or not to add a character.Copy !req
183. You're the producer, remember?Copy !req
184. What am I supposed to do
with all my great ideas?Copy !req
185. Put 'em in a tub
and clean myself with them?Copy !req
186. 'Cause that's what soap is for, Lois.Copy !req
187. Good producers put their ideas to work
outside the theater.Copy !req
188. It's your job to make sure
we sell every seat in this house.Copy !req
189. - And that's creative?
- Is it?Copy !req
190. Well, it's just
the most creative job there is.Copy !req
191. Don't you worry, Lois.
I'll get the word out.Copy !req
192. I'll tell two friends,
and they'll tell two friends...Copy !req
193. and that's, like,
10 people right there.Copy !req
194. Hey, I recognize you from the television.Copy !req
195. You're Tom Tucker. I bet you can do this.Copy !req
196. Excuse me?
You. Get out of here!Copy !req
197. Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!Copy !req
198. - Wow! Diane Simmons!
- You don't look anything like the ad.Copy !req
199. - You better be huge.
- No, I'm Peter Griffin, producer.Copy !req
200. I'm presenting
"Peter Griffin presents The King and I"...Copy !req
201. a Peter Griffin production,
and I'm giving you the exclusive story.Copy !req
202. Look, pal, some two-bit
community theater production isn't news.Copy !req
203. Who's the star?Copy !req
204. For that matter, who the hell are you,
and why should I give a damn?Copy !req
205. Wow, I'm being interviewed
by Diane Simmons!Copy !req
206. Well, Lois,
you told me to produce, and I did.Copy !req
207. I got us a story on the 11:00 news.Copy !req
208. - Really?
- Peter.Copy !req
209. Our top story tonight.
I will be playing the role of Anna...Copy !req
210. in the Quahog Players production
of The King and I.Copy !req
211. - Tom?
- Thanks, Diane.Copy !req
212. In other news, I'm not going to the play
because I'm sure it'll be lousy.Copy !req
213. I'm getting late word
that you're a petty, jealous, closet case.Copy !req
214. Bit of breaking news. We now go live
to Diane being a bitch. Diane?Copy !req
215. But Loretta's playing Anna,
and she's doing a great job.Copy !req
216. Loretta's a nobody.
Diane Simmons is a star.Copy !req
217. You wanted me to sell tickets, right?Copy !req
218. People who've never been in a theater
will come see Diane Simmons.Copy !req
219. I don't know, Peter,
she's a news reporter.Copy !req
220. Some of our greatest actors
started in news, like Sean Penn.Copy !req
221. Today's weather calls for breezy skies
and sun, and there's gonna be a...Copy !req
222. Get that camera out of my face!Copy !req
223. Hey, everybody, here's our star!Copy !req
224. This is so awkward.Copy !req
225. You all know my name,
and I've never heard of any of you.Copy !req
226. - You ever acted before, honey?
- I did an independent film in college.Copy !req
227. Let's start with the scene where
Lady Thiang begs Anna to comfort the king.Copy !req
228. - Are you playing Lady Thiang?
- I was supposed to be Anna.Copy !req
229. They did an all-you-people version
of Hello, Dolly that was very successful.Copy !req
230. Okay, let's go from the top of Scene 7.Copy !req
231. Action!Copy !req
232. "Oh, Mrs. Anna, the king needs you.
You must go to him.Copy !req
233. "Lady Thiang, if he needs me,
truly needs me, I will go to him."Copy !req
234. Cut! All wrong! No good!Copy !req
235. Peter, what are you doing?
She was wonderful.Copy !req
236. My ass.Copy !req
237. Besides, I'm the director.Copy !req
238. It just doesn't feel real, you know?Copy !req
239. Anna and Miss Thing both love
the king, right?Copy !req
240. On Springer yesterday,
they had "I won't share my husband"...Copy !req
241. and these two women bitch-slapped
each other. The crowd went nuts.Copy !req
242. Loretta, why don't you try slapping Diane?Copy !req
243. I think I can do that.Copy !req
244. Wait a minute.
Nobody's slapping anybody.Copy !req
245. This is Rodgers and Hammerstein,
not trash TV!Copy !req
246. I think Peter may be onto something.Copy !req
247. Springer is one of our station's
highest-rated shows.Copy !req
248. - I don't know.
- I thought you wanted to do a good show?Copy !req
249. If you want to do a bad show,
why don't we just do Rent?Copy !req
250. I guess we can try that—
- Action!Copy !req
251. Come on, Lois. Those hoop skirts
make Diane look a little hippie, you know?Copy !req
252. I thought we could dress her
in a pair of sequined capri pants.Copy !req
253. They didn't have capri pants in the 1860s.Copy !req
254. They did now!Copy !req
255. You! You are the worst thing
to happen to musical theater...Copy !req
256. since Andrew Lloyd Webber!Copy !req
257. And you! I just plain don't like you!Copy !req
258. What's going on?Copy !req
259. We're just having a little pow-wow
to discuss my latest changes.Copy !req
260. What changes?Copy !req
261. The Siamese children. How about this?
They're not children.Copy !req
262. They're aliens!Copy !req
263. That was great.
On the money.Copy !req
264. Isn't he brilliant?Copy !req
265. No! He's not brilliant!
Rodgers and Hammerstein were brilliant!Copy !req
266. And I want to do the show they wrote!
We're not making any more changes!Copy !req
267. We sold out!Copy !req
268. Yeah. The whole town's talking
about your show, Dad!Copy !req
269. Your show? Peter, this is my show!Copy !req
270. What's the big deal?
You wanted to sell out, and we did.Copy !req
271. I am through selling out.Copy !req
272. I took this job because
I wanted to create something beautiful...Copy !req
273. and you've completely destroyed that!Copy !req
274. You want to be the director? Fine! I quit!Copy !req
275. Me, direct?Copy !req
276. I don't know what to say, except,
"I'm the king of the..."Copy !req
277. Morning, theater fans!Copy !req
278. Good morning, Peter.
I made your favorite breakfast.Copy !req
279. - What the hell is this?
- French toast.Copy !req
280. I just made a few creative changes
to the recipe.Copy !req
281. I think it's a lot better now.Copy !req
282. Lois, if this is your idea of a joke,
you must write for Leno.Copy !req
283. It is so fashionable to take a shot
at Jay Leno.Copy !req
284. Look, the fact is the man is out there
every bloody night with fresh material...Copy !req
285. and he's charming.Copy !req
286. Face it, you're just jealous because
people like my ideas better than yours.Copy !req
287. I don't care
if the whole world loves your ideas.Copy !req
288. That doesn't make them good.
I was trying to make art.Copy !req
289. Art-schmart.Copy !req
290. Put enough monkeys in a room
with a typewriter...Copy !req
291. they'll produce Shakespeare.Copy !req
292. Let's see.
"A something by any other name..."Copy !req
293. - "Carnation,"peony."
- No, they did that on last week's Marlowe.Copy !req
294. - What about "daisy"?
- "Chrysanthemum"!Copy !req
295. - "Iris,"rose"? What about "rose"?
- Did you say "rose"?Copy !req
296. - Yeah, "rose."
- "Rose" is good!Copy !req
297. - "A rose by any other name." That works.
- I like that a lot.Copy !req
298. - Moving on.
- What about "tulip"?Copy !req
299. "Rose" is fine. Moving on.Copy !req
300. Peter, you've never done a creative thing
in your life!Copy !req
301. That's not true.
I wrote Bonfire of the Vanities.Copy !req
302. No, you didn't.Copy !req
303. You win this round, Lois.Copy !req
304. You're not being creative.
You're just destroying a wonderful show.Copy !req
305. I have more creativity in my whole body
than most people do before 9:00 a.m.Copy !req
306. The only thing you create
before 9:00 a.m...Copy !req
307. is exactly what you've turned
my show into.Copy !req
308. I think my work will speak for itself.Copy !req
309. I just got that. A poop joke?
That's real creative, Lois.Copy !req
310. Okay, let's run this scene again.Copy !req
311. Remember, Diane, you're playing Anna,
a steel-town girl on a Saturday night...Copy !req
312. looking for the fight of her life.Copy !req
313. - Where does it say that?
- In my noodle.Copy !req
314. Okay, places. And action!Copy !req
315. Stop! All wrong! All wrong!
God, send me dancers.Copy !req
316. We've been rehearsing for hours.
I'm exhausted!Copy !req
317. I'm sorry,
but we open this show in three hours...Copy !req
318. and I don't think we're ready!Copy !req
319. No, we're not!
You keep changing everything!Copy !req
320. You bet I do! Because theater is alive.Copy !req
321. It's a living, breathing creature
with wants and needs...Copy !req
322. and you're not man enough
to satisfy her!Copy !req
323. - I can't work this way. I quit!
- Fine.Copy !req
324. - We can't do The King and I without Anna.
- Yeah. This is a real snafu.Copy !req
325. We don't need Diane Simmons.
We've had someone better all along.Copy !req
326. Someone radiant and sassy...Copy !req
327. with the soul and passion
that can only come...Copy !req
328. from hundreds of years
of black oppression.Copy !req
329. Thank you, Peter. I'll do it.Copy !req
330. Get over yourself. I was talking about me.Copy !req
331. Su-su-sudio. Su-su-sudio.Copy !req
332. Two minutes, everybody.Copy !req
333. Jeez, full house.Copy !req
334. Look who came crawling back.Copy !req
335. Peter, have you seen my wheelchair?Copy !req
336. I don't get it, Mom.Copy !req
337. If you're mad at Dad for wrecking your
show, why'd you come to opening night?Copy !req
338. I came because I love the theater.Copy !req
339. If I just came here to enjoy
watching your father be humiliated...Copy !req
340. when this asinine spectacle of his
is ridiculed by everyone in town...Copy !req
341. what kind of person would I be?Copy !req
342. A bitch.Copy !req
343. Siam, 2015 AD.Copy !req
344. The city lies in ruins
after the ninth nuclear World War.Copy !req
345. It is a grim future
with lots of explosionsCopy !req
346. and partial nudity.Copy !req
347. A future where an oppressive new king
has seized power.Copy !req
348. Only one man can stop him.Copy !req
349. No, one machine.Copy !req
350. I am an Automaton
Nuclear Neo-human Android.Copy !req
351. You may call me ANNA.Copy !req
352. I am a robot ninja
from the planet England...Copy !req
353. who is here to destroy you
and free this land from your tyranny.Copy !req
354. I have been expecting you, ANNA.
Let me introduce my Siamese children.Copy !req
355. I will not be swayed by your attempts
to confuse my programming...Copy !req
356. with your all-female sex orgy.Copy !req
357. - We must kung fu fight!
- So be it, ANNA.Copy !req
358. I have slain the evil emperor.Copy !req
359. I hereby proclaim Siam
the United States of America.Copy !req
360. "ANNA rulesCopy !req
361. "Because I kicked all the bad guys
in their jewelsCopy !req
362. "ANNA wonCopy !req
363. "Thanks to my gamma-ray atomic gunCopy !req
364. "Dance and shoutCopy !req
365. "'He's the world's greatest ninja,
there's no doubtCopy !req
366. "Though they tried to defeat meCopy !req
367. "they can all just freakin' eat meCopy !req
368. "Because he blew all of us awayCopy !req
369. "In the planet of Siam,
there's no one as tough as I amCopy !req
370. "Just as surely as Paul Lynde was gay"Copy !req
371. Oh, my God! They liked it?Copy !req
372. Stop it! Stop clapping right now!
What's wrong with you?Copy !req
373. These people shouldn't be encouraged!
They should be punished!Copy !req
374. That man has committed murder here
this evening...Copy !req
375. and the victim's name is "theater."Copy !req
376. This is the kind of
mind-numbing schlock...Copy !req
377. that's turning our society
into a cultural wasteland!Copy !req
378. This isn't art!
This isn't even entertainment!Copy !req
379. This blows!Copy !req
380. See? This is exactly the kind of thing
I was talking about.Copy !req
381. - How was the cast party?
- We're a hit.Copy !req
382. Man, what a night.
I got to see my ideas come to life.Copy !req
383. It's the greatest feeling in the world.Copy !req
384. - Yeah, I bet it is.
- And it's all thanks to you.Copy !req
385. I never would've discovered
I could be creative...Copy !req
386. if you hadn't believed in me.Copy !req
387. Actually I didn't really, not at first.Copy !req
388. But anyone who could take The King and I
and turn it into that is...Copy !req
389. well, he's gotta be creative.Copy !req
390. Yeah, Lois,
sorry I took your show away from you...Copy !req
391. but I'll do whatever it takes
to make sureCopy !req
392. you get your chance next year.Copy !req
393. It'll be "Peter Griffin presents
a Lois Griffin production."Copy !req
394. - Okay, honey?
- Deal.Copy !req
395. Were you there when I farted?Copy !req