1. Good evening. I'm Diane Simmons.Copy !req
2. A stunning development tonight
as O.J. Simpson is proven innocent.Copy !req
3. We have the identity of the real killer.
But first...Copy !req
4. It's fall. The time of year when the
leaves turn a pretty, purpley orange...Copy !req
5. and Quahog prepares
for its annual Harvest Festival Parade.Copy !req
6. Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa
joins us live...Copy !req
7. from the ceremony where
they are choosing this year's theme.Copy !req
8. Diane, behind me
are 1,000 beautiful doves.Copy !req
9. Gently tied to each of their delicate legs
is a parade theme...Copy !req
10. suggested by
ordinary citizens of Quahog.Copy !req
11. And here to pick
this year's winning theme...Copy !req
12. is Ten Commandments star,
Charlton Heston.Copy !req
13. Let my pigeons go!Copy !req
14. He nailed one! We have our theme!Copy !req
15. I submitted "togetherness."
A simple theme.Copy !req
16. But powerful, nonetheless.Copy !req
17. Come on, "overcoming adversity"!
Let's go, "overcoming adversity"!Copy !req
18. Show me "women I gave the clap to"!Copy !req
19. And the Harvest Festival Parade theme is:Copy !req
20. "The episode of Who's the Boss?Copy !req
21. "... where Tony sees Angela
naked in the shower."Copy !req
22. Yes! That's mine! Un-freaking-believable!Copy !req
23. Clumsy oaf! Michael Flatley
must be turning over in his grave.Copy !req
24. Wait a minute. He's not dead yet.Copy !req
25. "Michael Flatley."Copy !req
26. It's great they picked your theme,
but isn't it a little esoteric?Copy !req
27. Esoteric?Copy !req
28. - Could it mean "sexy"?
- I think it's a science term.Copy !req
29. Fellas, esoteric means "delicious."Copy !req
30. Who's the Boss? is not a food.Copy !req
31. Swing and a miss.Copy !req
32. "It seems today that all you seeCopy !req
33. "is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
34. "But where are those good,
old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
35. "on which we used to rely?Copy !req
36. "Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
37. "Lucky there's a man who'll
positively tell youCopy !req
38. "all the things that make usCopy !req
39. "laugh 'n' cryCopy !req
40. "He's a family guy"Copy !req
41. I have no friends,
and it's all because of this stupid purse!Copy !req
42. What did you do to my daughter?
I swear to God, if you touched her...Copy !req
43. Honey, what happened?Copy !req
44. It was lunchtime and...Copy !req
45. I love the color of your Prada bag.Copy !req
46. - Yeah, but yours has that great clasp.
- Hey, Meg, you want to come to lunch?Copy !req
47. You know what? There's no room
in my car for your big, ugly purse.Copy !req
48. Meg, let me tell you about popularity.Copy !req
49. GIRL #1: Mrs. Canner? Are you coming?
Bye!Copy !req
50. Daddy, if you really loved me,
you'd buy me a Prada bag.Copy !req
51. I can't say no to you, honey.
What are they, like, $10?Copy !req
52. More like $1,100.Copy !req
53. You wish I loved you that much!Copy !req
54. We'll never finish the float
in time for the parade.Copy !req
55. Pick up the pace, guys!Copy !req
56. Peter, your theme is a dud.Copy !req
57. Yeah. I've never even seen
Who's the Boss?Copy !req
58. Tuesdays in the '80s I was always
in bed by 8:00 and home by 11:00.Copy !req
59. But I can't do it without you guys,
because I'll tell you who's the boss.Copy !req
60. It's not Tony or Angela.Copy !req
61. It's not even man-crazy Mona.
It's all of us.Copy !req
62. You're the boss because you never
give up, like with the ladies.Copy !req
63. Gemini.Copy !req
64. Capricorn.Copy !req
65. I know you're not a Virgo!Copy !req
66. From down here, you look like a Pisces!Copy !req
67. And Cleveland, you're the boss
because of your attention to detail.Copy !req
68. Like when we play pool,
you take so long to line up your shots...Copy !req
69. I just want to crack you
with a cue stick.Copy !req
70. But I don't because that would be
a hate crime, and I love you.Copy !req
71. And Joe, I've had new neighbors before,
but none were half the man you are.Copy !req
72. Since you're half a man already,
that splits them...Copy !req
73. into some kind of fraction
I can't even measure.Copy !req
74. He's right. If we work together,
we can win this thing. Who's in?Copy !req
75. Go, Spooner Street!Copy !req
76. My dad always says,
"Measure twice, cut once."Copy !req
77. My daddy always said,
"Cleveland Jr., quit jumping on the bed!"Copy !req
78. We didn't measure!Copy !req
79. Amazing. The whole
neighborhood is working together.Copy !req
80. You know what's really amazing?Copy !req
81. I haven't brushed my teeth in three days,
and no one has said a thing.Copy !req
82. If I had a job,
I could buy the bag myself.Copy !req
83. I have squandered my munitions budget
on that insipid Rugrats video!Copy !req
84. Perhaps I should seek employment.Copy !req
85. Mother teaches piano.
I suppose I could as well.Copy !req
86. All right, try it again, Richard.Copy !req
87. And remember,
the wrong keys are electrified.Copy !req
88. I don't want to play the piano!Copy !req
89. Indeed.
Would you rather play the bassoon?Copy !req
90. No experience? No, thanks.Copy !req
91. Oh, nuts. Young lady.Copy !req
92. What's the little guy's name?Copy !req
93. What do you care?Copy !req
94. I can't send an unwed teenage mother
out on the street without a job.Copy !req
95. Stewie. My son's name is Stewie.Copy !req
96. Welcome to the 83rd annual
Quahog Harvest Festival Parade.Copy !req
97. Are you as excited as I am, Tom?Copy !req
98. Are you kidding, Diane? I've got wood...Copy !req
99. and clipped onto it
is a list of this year's float entries.Copy !req
100. Remember, the float that best captures
this year's theme...Copy !req
101. wins Quahog's coveted Golden Clam.Copy !req
102. And here's our first float.Copy !req
103. It looks like some wires
got crossed on Clover Street.Copy !req
104. That's not Angela.
That's Mona, Angela's mom.Copy !req
105. Wonderful use of tree bark
for the age spots though.Copy !req
106. This one's got Tony bathing Jonathan.
That's just plain wrong.Copy !req
107. Each float possesses its own
unique charm. But none of them—Copy !req
108. Oh, baby! Look at that!Copy !req
109. The float turned out great.Copy !req
110. Our neighborhood hasn't been this united
since Quagmire got us free cable.Copy !req
111. We are not bad people.Copy !req
112. We just don't want to pay $12 a month
for Cinemax.Copy !req
113. First place goes to Spooner Street.Copy !req
114. We won! All right!Copy !req
115. Come on now! This is damn foolish!Copy !req
116. My theme, my trophy!Copy !req
117. My aunt Fanny!
You said it yourself! I'm the boss!Copy !req
118. He said I, too, was the boss.
And it's time Cleveland got his due.Copy !req
119. Joe, my feet are
starting to swell.Copy !req
120. You two go home.
I can stay here as long as it takes.Copy !req
121. You'd be amazed how little one eats
when your legs don't work.Copy !req
122. There's only one way to settle this.Copy !req
123. Russian Roulette.Copy !req
124. Three bullets, last guy standing
keeps the trophy. Me first.Copy !req
125. No. Wait a minute, this is crazy.Copy !req
126. You first.Copy !req
127. There's gotta be a way for you all
to enjoy the trophy.Copy !req
128. Wait a minute! I got it! No, lost it.
There it is again!Copy !req
129. Perfect, Peter.
Now we can all enjoy it.Copy !req
130. Here's to togetherness!Copy !req
131. Car!Copy !req
132. Meg, order up!Copy !req
133. Here you go, hon. From Flappy himself.Copy !req
134. I don't care if they're
from Kubla filthy-wretched Khan!Copy !req
135. Try them. You'll like them.Copy !req
136. Yes, well, I rather doubt that.Copy !req
137. Yes! These are delectable.Copy !req
138. Flappy, good news!
I've decided not to kill you!Copy !req
139. What a precious little boy.Copy !req
140. That's my son.Copy !req
141. Your son? But you're just a baby yourself.Copy !req
142. Henry, give the little skank a nice tip.Copy !req
143. $20!Copy !req
144. Welcome to Flappy's.Copy !req
145. Why don't you sit next to my baby...Copy !req
146. whose deadbeat dad
doesn't pay child support.Copy !req
147. Peter, what is it?Copy !req
148. What's going on out here?Copy !req
149. Clear the way! I'm a cop!Copy !req
150. Oh, my God! I thought the safety was on.
I'm so sorry.Copy !req
151. That's okay, son.
It's your right as an American citizen.Copy !req
152. What's all the noise?
I was just jerked out of a sound sleep.Copy !req
153. Perhaps someone could enlighten me as
to the whereabouts of our Golden Clam?Copy !req
154. - Maybe it fell.
- Yeah. Right into someone's pocket.Copy !req
155. You think one of us stole it?Copy !req
156. I never said the word "stole." Looks like
someone has a guilty conscience.Copy !req
157. Guilty conscience!Copy !req
158. I'm the only guy on this block
who actually pays for his cable.Copy !req
159. Pretty high and mighty for a man who
left our nation's flag out in the rain...Copy !req
160. last Fourth of July.
That's against the law, Officer!Copy !req
161. You're one to talk.Copy !req
162. Out there every trash day
picking through my garbage.Copy !req
163. That's an invasion of my privacy.Copy !req
164. He's sorting your recycling
because he loves our Mother Earth.Copy !req
165. If you weren't so busy
trolling for booty all the time...Copy !req
166. you could do it yourself,
like the law says you should.Copy !req
167. It's on now!Copy !req
168. Wait a second! What about Peter?Copy !req
169. He's the one
who wanted the trophy all along!Copy !req
170. I couldn't have stolen it.Copy !req
171. Last night I was stealing Joe's ladder
so I could steal the trophy tonight.Copy !req
172. What? It's a ladder. He can't use it.
It's like taking a watch off a dead guy.Copy !req
173. Those Griffins always were oddballs, Joe.
Real oddballs.Copy !req
174. I don't trust them.Copy !req
175. I saw them taking coupons
out of our mailbox.Copy !req
176. I don't like the look of her!Copy !req
177. I offer you a recipe.Copy !req
178. Combine one small-town neighborhood
with a dash of missing trophy...Copy !req
179. and what you're left with is a gumbo
fit only for a madman.Copy !req
180. A gumbo served almost exclusively in The—Copy !req
181. Who the hell is that?
I bet he took it!Copy !req
182. Where are you going, Serling?
Want some of this?Copy !req
183. Come back here!Copy !req
184. I'm off to work.Copy !req
185. Okay, honey.Copy !req
186. One of our neighbors took that trophy,
and I'll find out who.Copy !req
187. - I'm taking Stewie with me again.
- Fine, sweetie.Copy !req
188. This whole thing just makes me sick!Copy !req
189. - We played Pictionary with them!
- Bastards!Copy !req
190. Giddy-up, you stubby little mare!
To the pancake house!Copy !req
191. Well, bye.Copy !req
192. And to think
they used to be our best friends!Copy !req
193. That was then and this is now!Copy !req
194. And this is a chair. That's a lamp.
You have boobies. I'll find that trophy!Copy !req
195. To be honest, Peter, we were all
a little surprised you invited us over.Copy !req
196. We realized our friendship is a lot
more important than some stupid trophy.Copy !req
197. There's the tea. I'll get it, Lois.
Two sugars, right, Bonnie?Copy !req
198. Damn, it's not here!Copy !req
199. Not here either.Copy !req
200. Nothing.Copy !req
201. Oh, my God! We were robbed!Copy !req
202. - Is anything missing?
- No. I don't think so.Copy !req
203. Where's that picture of me
in my two-piece?Copy !req
204. Should I call the cops?Copy !req
205. I'm guessing a cop
had something to do with this.Copy !req
206. Or a pilot. Or a deli owner.Copy !req
207. Okay, you dirtbags!Copy !req
208. This means war!Copy !req
209. Excuse us. We're having a small problem
with home security.Copy !req
210. Do you have those round metal things
that you bury in the ground...Copy !req
211. and, when stepped on, they explode?Copy !req
212. - Land mines?
- Land mines.Copy !req
213. It was land mines.Copy !req
214. - Quagmire.
- Peter.Copy !req
215. - Cleveland.
- Joe.Copy !req
216. - Bonnie.
- Lois.Copy !req
217. - Cleveland.
- Lois.Copy !req
218. Bonnie.Copy !req
219. - Quagmire.
- Peter.Copy !req
220. Loretta.Copy !req
221. Come on, Peter.Copy !req
222. That ought to slow them down.Copy !req
223. Being a single mother is hard.Copy !req
224. The real challenge is having a baby
that's addicted to crack.Copy !req
225. - Right, Stewie?
- What's that? Yes. I love crack.Copy !req
226. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack!Copy !req
227. This is the first time
he's eaten somethingCopy !req
228. other than dog food in three weeks.Copy !req
229. Here's your check. God bless.Copy !req
230. Here, Honey.
What's this? Blueberries?Copy !req
231. Oh, my...Copy !req
232. That's better than sex!Copy !req
233. And could I get that waitress' address?
I'd like to help her baby.Copy !req
234. What are they up to?Copy !req
235. Cleveland and Quagmire
are holding their positions...Copy !req
236. but I haven't seen Joe all day.Copy !req
237. Freeze!
Dad?Copy !req
238. Careful. There's a bear trap
two feet to your right.Copy !req
239. Thanks, Dad.
Look out for your mother!Copy !req
240. There's a sandwich
on the counter, honey.Copy !req
241. Cleveland, these lobster traps
aren't going to catch any intruders.Copy !req
242. Yes, they will.Copy !req
243. I baited them with these plump
and tasty Fenway franks.Copy !req
244. Daddy, we got one!Copy !req
245. Fat boy smelled a hot dog.
Couldn't help it. Went right in.Copy !req
246. - Hello.
- Say, get the hell off...Copy !req
247. Hello, lips, legs, breasts, and ass.Copy !req
248. Yes. I was hoping I could ask you
about your neighbors, the Griffins.Copy !req
249. A bunch of card-carrying Commies
if you ask me!Copy !req
250. All right.Copy !req
251. No! It's not all right!Copy !req
252. CLEVELAND JR.: Fat boy!Copy !req
253. The Griffins are not to be trusted.Copy !req
254. Those people are nothing
but vile, cheating, lying scum.Copy !req
255. And their carpet and drape scheme...Copy !req
256. No! No, I won't!Copy !req
257. Get that puree of loathsomeness
away from me!Copy !req
258. But you love mashed turkey and peas.Copy !req
259. I'm sorry. What was that?Copy !req
260. Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
Did you just tell me what I love?Copy !req
261. Write this down, you toad-faced frump.
I love pancakes!Copy !req
262. Hi, little fella.Copy !req
263. Is Meg Griffin here?
No, she's not.Copy !req
264. Probably out scoring more rock.Copy !req
265. Sandy Balfour, Child Services.
We're placing this baby in a foster home.Copy !req
266. - What?
- For God's sake, feed me!Copy !req
267. Let me guess. All out of Puppy Chow?Copy !req
268. What an awful home for a child!Copy !req
269. How dare you! This is a wonderful home!Copy !req
270. Quagmire, you rat bastard!Copy !req
271. Come near my fence again,
and that'll be your head!Copy !req
272. Shut up!Copy !req
273. Honey, would you like some pancakes?Copy !req
274. Oh, yes! God, yes! Take me!Copy !req
275. Stewie!Copy !req
276. Next up is Meg Griffin,
sporting her stylishly cool, brand-new...Copy !req
277. A woman from Child Services
came and took Stewie!Copy !req
278. She said we fed him dog food!Copy !req
279. Dog food?Copy !req
280. Is that a real Prada bag?Copy !req
281. How in the world did you make $1,100
as a waitress in one week?Copy !req
282. It's easy...Copy !req
283. when you're the unwed teenage mother
of a crack-addicted baby.Copy !req
284. Wait a minute.
Meg, when did you become a teenager?Copy !req
285. She's 16, Peter.Copy !req
286. You knew about this?Copy !req
287. Welcome to your new home.Copy !req
288. Baby Stewie, say hello
to your new brothers and sisters.Copy !req
289. Hola, Stewie.Copy !req
290. Ni hao, Stewie.Copy !req
291. Stewie.Copy !req
292. Good God!
I've been adopted by a Benetton ad!Copy !req
293. - I promise, it'll never happen again.
- I hope not, Mrs. Stevens.Copy !req
294. Because next time we won't
just take him away, we'll kill him.Copy !req
295. Let's see. Stanley, Starkweather, Stevens!Copy !req
296. So this is where babies come from?Copy !req
297. Yes, Chris.
This is where babies come from.Copy !req
298. You told me I came out of your vagina!Copy !req
299. Next!Copy !req
300. Hi. Yeah, we're the Griffins.Copy !req
301. - I'm sorry. I can't find your paperwork.
- Look harder! I want my baby back!Copy !req
302. Please, let me handle this.
The name's Griffin.Copy !req
303. We're the ones who fed dog food
to our crack-addicted baby.Copy !req
304. I never was any good
at dealing with the authorities.Copy !req
305. Don't worry. I know how to handle this.Copy !req
306. Are you aware you were going 50 in...Copy !req
307. I'm gonna have to ask you
to put your shirt down.Copy !req
308. Crap. I get the one straight cop
in Rhode Island.Copy !req
309. Damn it! I want pancakes!Copy !req
310. You people understand every language
except English!Copy !req
311. Yo quiero pancakes!Copy !req
312. Donnez-moi pancakes!
Click-click-bloody-click pancakes!Copy !req
313. Poor little guy.Copy !req
314. "Pancakes" must be street for "crack."Copy !req
315. Damn those parents of his.Copy !req
316. Sarah, forgiveness.Copy !req
317. Now, Stewie,
why don't you go play with the others?Copy !req
318. Stewie, come complete our rainbow!Copy !req
319. I've got a better idea.Copy !req
320. Let's go play
"swallow the stuff under the sink."Copy !req
321. You lied to them!Copy !req
322. You told Child Services that we steal
lawn mowers and cheat on our taxes...Copy !req
323. and worship some guy named Stan.Copy !req
324. Actually, I said Satan. That's a typo.Copy !req
325. We didn't know who she was!
It's not our fault!Copy !req
326. No? Then whose fault is it?Copy !req
327. It's all of yours!Copy !req
328. You were all working together just fine,
but then you won that stupid trophy.Copy !req
329. You put some shiny hunk of metal
before your own friendships.Copy !req
330. Brian's right.Copy !req
331. We were so obsessed with that trophy,
we lost sight of what was really going on.Copy !req
332. - Now we have a real problem to deal with.
- That's right!Copy !req
333. Somebody tipped off the cable company
about our free Cinemax.Copy !req
334. Joe?Copy !req
335. And we have to get Stewie back!Copy !req
336. I remembered.
We're here to help.Copy !req
337. And we must get our baby back.Copy !req
338. Right on! Let's do it!Copy !req
339. Rock their world!Copy !req
340. Yeah! Come on!Copy !req
341. Let's go! We can do it!Copy !req
342. See kids? One day the world
is going to be just like our home.Copy !req
343. All races living together
in harmony and love.Copy !req
344. Pancakes!Copy !req
345. He must still be working the junk
out of his system.Copy !req
346. He needs hugs!Copy !req
347. Doorbell!Copy !req
348. We're from the One World,
One People Book-of-the-Month Club.Copy !req
349. Is there something missing in your life?Copy !req
350. You know, I just bet there is.Copy !req
351. Sarah, we have guests!
And one of them is a homosexual!Copy !req
352. They're in place!Copy !req
353. God, it gets me hot
when Joe lies to strangers.Copy !req
354. When I get him home,
I swear I'm gonna grease up—Copy !req
355. That's fine, Debbie. Go, Chris.Copy !req
356. Here we go, Dad!Copy !req
357. Stewie, would you like
to learn how to wrap a turban?Copy !req
358. Why don't you teach it
to the Chinese girl?Copy !req
359. Or perhaps she can learn
after her people invade your country.Copy !req
360. Yee, would your people really do this?Copy !req
361. Try and stop them.Copy !req
362. And try and stop Pablo's people
from using drug money to buy arms...Copy !req
363. from Li's countrymen,
who in turn sells them to Ura's people...Copy !req
364. so they can ethnically cleanse
this nauseatingly diverse...Copy !req
365. grab bag of genetic party favors
you call a family.Copy !req
366. So now you all understand, yes?
You all hate each other?Copy !req
367. Hosanna! It's the lesser of two evils.Copy !req
368. Hey, kids. I'm Santa Claus.Copy !req
369. Just practicing for Christmas.Copy !req
370. But you're white.Copy !req
371. Jack and Sarah told me Santa is Indian.Copy !req
372. Don't be stupid! Santa is black!Copy !req
373. Santa can't be black. We do not fear him.Copy !req
374. Cram it, Gandhi!
Santa is Asian.Copy !req
375. How can he be Asian?Copy !req
376. Santa doesn't drive his sled 20 miles
under the speed limit with his blinker on!Copy !req
377. Go back to your rice paddy, Mulan!Copy !req
378. Come on, Stewie.
We're out of here.Copy !req
379. Dance, puppets! Dance!Copy !req
380. Lois, we got him. It's all over.Copy !req
381. Careful, Peter.Copy !req
382. Joe and Cleveland can't stall them.
They're heading your way!Copy !req
383. Crap!Copy !req
384. Hold it right there!Copy !req
385. Or what?Copy !req
386. Don't shoot!Copy !req
387. Now shoot!Copy !req
388. So, we're terribly sorry
we broke into your home.Copy !req
389. But we just had to
get Stewie back somehow.Copy !req
390. That's a very long story.Copy !req
391. But we've grown attached to little Stewie.
Plus, the law's on our side.Copy !req
392. You people can kiss
the fattest part of my ass!Copy !req
393. We'll be back, Stewie.Copy !req
394. Wait!Copy !req
395. Is that a real Prada bag?Copy !req
396. I'd like to propose a toast
to our neighbors.Copy !req
397. Sure they may be black, handicapped,
and a heartless sex hound...Copy !req
398. but if they moved out,
some smelly Hawaiians might move in.Copy !req
399. - Hear, hear!
- Where's Quagmire?Copy !req
400. If it wasn't for him,
we never would have found out...Copy !req
401. where Stewie's foster family lived.Copy !req
402. He said he'd distract the social worker.Copy !req
403. Glen, honey, I have a question for you.
What do you do for a living?Copy !req
404. I have a question for you, too.
Why are you still here?Copy !req
405. What the heck happened
to that trophy anyway?Copy !req
406. I guess some mysteries
are better left unsolved.Copy !req
407. Submitted for your approval.Copy !req
408. A family pet with the uncontrollable urge
to bury shiny objects in the yard.Copy !req
409. A shameful secret that nearly buried theCopy !req
410. peace and civility
of an entire neighbor...Copy !req
411. Stewie seems a little feverish
after his ordeal.Copy !req
412. And he keeps asking for pancakes.Copy !req
413. Let's just let him rest.Copy !req
414. Flappy, what have you done to me?Copy !req
415. It's so hot.Copy !req
416. Now I'm freezing!Copy !req
417. What I wouldn't do
for one syrup-soaked bite.Copy !req