Family Guy 2x21

Directed by Scott Wood

Wally Wingert as (voice) • Nicole Sullivan as Bride / Candi / Mary (voice) • Phil LaMarr as Gambler Dan / Rupert (voice) • Wally Wingert as Man (voice) • Wally Wingert as Y2K Crown (voice)

Chris gets a job picking up golf balls; Peter ignores Chris in favor of Cleveland Jr.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. We now return to Little House on the Prairie.

2. That's wonderful, Mary. You're doing great with your Braille.

3. I couldn't have done it without you, Pa.

4. Why don't you go up to bed and get some sleep, honey?

5. Honey, you remember where the stool was.

6. Mary, you're in the kitchen, sweetheart, you're all disoriented.

7. Let me help you. The ladder's right here.

8. Thanks, Pa.

9. Jeez, life was a lot tougher back then.

10. "It seems today that all you see

11. "is violence in movies and sex on TV

12. "But where are those good, old-fashioned values

13. "on which we used to rely?

14. "Lucky there's a family guy

15. "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

16. "all the things that make us"

17. "laugh 'n' cry"

18. "He's a family guy"

19. Listen up, everybody. It's time for spring cleaning.

20. Spring cleaning? Oh, not again.

21. That was weird.

22. Boy, that was weird, too.

23. If we all pitch in, we'll be done in no time.

24. Lois, you know I swore I'd never clean again.

25. Not after Bounty dropped me as their spokesman.

26. Wait a second.

27. Rosie, I've just poured this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter...

28. and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in five seconds?

29. - What is this? - Four seconds.

30. - Is that— - Three seconds.

31. - It smells like— - Clean my pee!

32. Mom, I can't clean. I got stuff to do.

33. Sweetheart, we all know you don't have any stuff to do.

34. Now, I don't want to hear any more excuses from anyone.

35. Crap! We did it again!

36. Ruth Bader Ginsburg!

37. Look, Meg, it's your little baby booties.

38. And your little bronze hat. And your tail.

39. My what? Nothing.

40. Okay, Lois' list says clean the windows, clear the gutters, and wash the siding.

41. To most folks, that's three chores.

42. To Peter Griffin and his big hose, it's one.

43. You're not working hard, Peter, you're working smart.

44. Hey, Chris, give me the juice!

45. Peter, there's water and glass! It's a disaster in here!

46. Well, why don't you put down your ginger ale...

47. and Redbook and get to work?

48. Lazy.

49. You're not helping! Look, don't come near the house!

50. Go do something else.

51. This duffel bag is only half-zipped. Where are you going?

52. I'm going camping for the weekend with Johnny-Cut-Corners.

53. You guys want to come along?

54. It would be nice to get out of the house.

55. This is the time of the month when Loretta is visited by her Aunt Flo.

56. Loretta likes to personify her menses in humorous ways.

57. Hey, Quagmire! You up for some camping?

58. Sorry, bud, the only tent I'm pitching this weekend is...

59. Well, you see where I'm going with this.

60. I want to go, Dad. It'll get me away from the evil monkey...

61. that lives in my closet.

62. Monkey in the closet.

63. This is gonna be great.

64. Last time I did male bonding was when me and Cleveland went to Chinatown.

65. Look, forget how it happened. Can you just get us out of this?

66. I say, Rupert, this paste is quite delicious.

67. It's almost worth the bowel obstruction.

68. Are those my books? What the hell are you doing?

69. Papier-mâché. I used them to make the houseboat from Surfside 6.

70. You remember.

71. "Surfside 6, who lives there?

72. "Surfside 6, young bachelors

73. "In Miami Beach"

74. Those are my first editions, you little punk!

75. Mama, doggy scary!

76. Brian, have you lost your mind? He's just a baby.

77. - He doesn't know what he's doing. - This isn't over!

78. If you're looking for your Dostoyevsky, I used it to make the fort from F Troop.

79. Look what I found, Stewie. An appointment card.

80. You've got a checkup.

81. Marvelous. A quick weigh-in, a "stick out your tongue"...

82. and a nice lollipop to cap it all off. Remind me to ask the doctor...

83. when my other testicle will descend.

84. Bang! I'm Daniel Boone! I'm a man! I'm a big man! Bang! Bang!

85. Now I'm Pat Boone. Gonna have a Christmas special with Andy Williams.

86. So beautiful.

87. It's almost as if this world was created especially for me.

88. - Do you think he's onto us, Christof? - No, he's an idiot.

89. Dad, I dug the latrine 50 feet out.

90. That's great. You want a cookie every time you do something right?

91. - Go get some firewood! - Yes, sir!

92. He's gonna grow up to be quite a man!

93. That was incredible, Kevin.

94. I'm not here to impress you. Am I, Dad?

95. Did I say you could rest yet?

96. I'm Abe Lincoln! I just chopped some wood!

97. Good for you, son.

98. Where's Chris? I asked him to fill up the canteens an hour ago.

99. Hey, Dad, look.

100. I covered my back with honey, and now the ants are taking me home.

101. He does the same thing at home with Velveeta and cockroaches.

102. If you turn the light on fast, they slam him into the fridge.

103. Great, Mirabella.

104. December's Mirabella.

105. What's your story? Get lost on the way to the morgue?

106. No, seriously, is that yours? Because if it is, bravo.

107. You remember that short-lived sitcom, Fish?

108. They should've put that on before CHiPs.

109. The marketing practically writes itself.

110. Let's go, Chris, your dinner isn't gonna catch itself.

111. I don't want to go. I had a bad experience with a fish once.

112. Oh, my God! My fish is gone!

113. And he robbed me!

114. Okay, see you, Chris.

115. Peter, this is none of my business,

116. but you're turning your boy into a slacker.

117. How dare you call my parenting into question.

118. If you were a woman, I'd slug you.

119. I'm just saying you should teach him some responsibility.

120. All right, I'll show you responsibility.

121. Hey, Chris, you are responsible for guarding the camp while we're fishing.

122. You got it, Dad. You can count on me...

123. Chris, pay attention. I want you to...

124. All right, take a deep breath, Stewie.

125. Cold! Cold! Okay. I'm fine.

126. Tell me, Dr. Hartman, do all the children fall in love with you?

127. That's cold.

128. Twenty-nine pounds. That's big for your age.

129. Forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies...

130. from the diaper commercials.

131. All right, little guy, time for your immunizations.

132. - You might want to hold him. - Hold me for what?

133. - What the deuce? - I'm sorry, sweetie.

134. Back off! Don't come any closer or I'll cut her!

135. I'll give her a series of splinters...

136. that could, you know, become infected.

137. Look, Stewie, look at the dancing kitty.

138. Oh, no! I'll not be taken in by one of your...

139. Oh, my. That's delightful, isn't it? What's your name, you little...

140. Oh, God!

141. They call this the magic hour.

142. The day's not quite gone, but the night's not quite here...

143. and somewhere, Scott Baio is plowing a woman he doesn't love.

144. I got one, Dad!

145. Looks like that's the one that got away.

146. The hell it is! You get in there, and you kick that fish's ass!

147. God, I love him!

148. I can't believe how terrible the fishing was.

149. Yeah, all we caught was a tire,

150. a boot, a tin can and this book of clichés.

151. Well, thank God we came prepared. We brought enough food to last us...

152. Holy crap, Chris! What the hell? I put you in charge of the food.

153. The raccoons were here. See?

154. We're a bunch of sneaky animals. We're gonna wreck this food and eat it...

155. 'cause we're naughty. And there's a guy.

156. Let's get him in trouble with his dad.

157. Somehow I'm less than surprised.

158. I'm sorry, Dad. I messed up the entire trip.

159. It's not your fault, Chris. I failed you as a father.

160. From now on, Joe will be your father.

161. Cleveland?

162. I'll teach the boy. Come, my son. I'll show you the ways of the herd.

163. Crap!

164. Peter, why are you sitting with the sheets over your head?

165. - Peter, what's wrong? - That obvious?

166. Well, you always do the skull gag when you're depressed. Talk to me.

167. Well, it's just, I've been trying to teach Chris how to be a man, you know?

168. First, I tried teaching him how to eat an Oreo.

169. Chris, the way to eat an Oreo is to twist it, pull it apart, and lick it.

170. Now, you.

171. I tried teaching him how to get out of paying a check.

172. Waiter, there's a dead guy in my soup.

173. I'm terribly sorry, sir. Of course your soup is gratis.

174. Thank you. Now, your turn.

175. Waiter, there's a dead guy in my...

176. Peter, you can't force-feed maturity. He needs to learn it on his own.

177. - Why don't you get him a job? - Freeze-frame!

178. That's it! I can teach Chris responsibility by getting him a job.

179. Isn't she great? Now you see why I married her.

180. Go away now. I'm going to do stuff to her.

181. I'm sorry Stewie ruined your books. Here, I brought you some of Peter's.

182. Mr. T by Mr. T.

183. T and Me by George Peppard.

184. For the Last Time, I'm not Mr. T by Ving Rhames.

185. Stewie, are you okay?

186. Must we make small talk every time we pass?

187. You're burning up! Must be a reaction to the shots.

188. I'll go get you some baby aspirin.

189. What are you talking about? The shots were supposed to make me healthy!

190. You believe Lois had them inject you with something to make you healthy?

191. I mean, you were already healthy, right?

192. Oh, God! You're right! I was pink as a pistol!

193. "Pink as a pistol!" Good Lord! I can't even form a cogent simile anymore!

194. - What was in those needles? - I've already said too much.

195. I should have known! Her treachery knows no limits!

196. Getting dizzy! Fight it, Stewie!

197. "Do not go gentle into that good night," to quote Bob Dylan.

198. No, no, Dylan Thomas.

199. Boys, I'm a miracle worker. I have used all my parenting skills...

200. to change my son from a lazy slacker into a working man.

201. - Nice going, Peter. - Up yours, Joe.

202. - What? - Thanks. Hey, Chris.

203. Hey, Dad! I'm working! I'm...

204. Careful, Chris, you don't get dental for 60 days.

205. Hey, you that Griffin boy's father? Paddy Tanniger, the caddie manager.

206. Yeah, it rhymes, big whoop. Wanna fight about it?

207. Listen, your son is the best ball shagger we ever had.

208. I sold twice as many buckets today...

209. because everybody wants to hit the fat kid.

210. Lynn, cancel my afternoon meetings. I gotta hit more balls at this fat kid.

211. - Peter, do you mind if Kevin and I... - Nail Chris? He'd be thrilled.

212. Hey, this kid here just knocked a ball 300 yards!

213. I'm Tiger Woods! I'm Tiger Woods!

214. Cleveland, your kid's a natural. With a little help, he could be a pro.

215. Oh, Peter. I can't make Cleveland Jr. sit still for anything.

216. Sometimes, I wonder if he's got the epilepsy...

217. but then I just go see what's on the TV.

218. Well, maybe you're not as good a father as me.

219. Look what I did with Chris! I'm even better than that dad on Lost in Space.

220. We need to gather more information about this new planet.

221. Don, you take my 16-year-old blonde daughter out in the chariot...

222. for the day. Penny, you stay here with me.

223. Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness...

224. and take this mincing boy-hungry pedophile with you.

225. Cleveland Jr.'s beyond your skills. He won't respond to you.

226. Oh, yeah? Hey, come here, Cleveland Jr.

227. - Come to Peter. - Over here, Junior.

228. - Come on! Come on, Cleveland Jr. - Come to Daddy. Come on!

229. You'll see. I'm gonna turn this kid into the greatest golfer ever!

230. Fine!

231. - How did you get him to come to you? - With this.

232. - Love. - Jealousy.

233. - Touch. - Forever.

234. - Intense. - Passion.

235. Obsession, Calvin Klein.

236. Drink this, honey. It'll bring your fever down.

237. I'm gonna go run you a cool bath.

238. She's one of them! I'm sure of it! Now tell me what they injected me with!

239. You know Mr. T always wanted to be a Broadway dancer?

240. Answer me, damn it! What have they done to me?

241. It could be any number of things. Gene manipulation, sterilization.

242. They want my seed!

243. But from the look of your pupils, I'd say it's some kind of mind-control serum...

244. or not.

245. Mind control? But I feel so lucid.

246. - Yes, you look spot on to me. - Thank you. I try to work out.

247. But who has the time, besides trophy wives?

248. Oh, yes, that's rich.

249. Didn't want to be a mean guy. Wanted to be a dancer!

250. Go away!

251. You!

252. I am taking your brain. You are now my slave.

253. No!

254. Why is he freaking out like that?

255. He's having a little hallucination from the fever...

256. just like when you were 3 and you ate those adult brownies...

257. I was saving for the Doobie Brothers concert.

258. I'm gonna be on a cereal box.

259. "Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah! It's not small, no, no, no!"

260. Now pay attention, Junior. You want to keep your shoulders straight...

261. and your knees bent, and just once, for me...

262. would you call me Mr. Drummond?

263. Hey, Griffin, down here. Yeah, it's a secret tunnel...

264. like Hogan's Heroes. Big whoop. Want to fight about it?

265. Look, here's your first week's pay.

266. All right, Chris!

267. Dad! Dad, look!

268. That's great, Chris, but I'm trying to be a good father here.

269. I'm real proud of you, champ. Let's go get a milkshake.

270. You got it, Mr. Drummond.

271. - Package for Glen Quagmire. - Excuse me.

272. I've got a package for you, too! All right!

273. Nice try, but I've built up an immunity.

274. - Hey, what's wrong, kid? - My dad doesn't care about me anymore.

275. Well, hey, at least you have a dad.

276. When I was growing up, it was just me and my mom.

277. Looks like somebody's hungry.

278. All right!

279. I just wanted him to be proud of me. I even got a job.

280. There's your problem. Jobs are for suckers.

281. You just need to learn how to have a good time. Come on.

282. Go ahead, kid. Try it out.

283. Excuse me, you dropped something.

284. My jaw.

285. All right!

286. Nice going.

287. All right! All right!

288. - I don't think I like feet as much as you do.

289. - Hey, everybody likes feet!

290. Come on. The party's just starting.

291. "I'm gonna grab my girl and head to the beach!

292. "Hic-a-doo-la!

293. "We're gonna all hang ten and maybe then

294. "Hic-a-doo-la!

295. "Because I'm a hic-a-doo-la boy

296. "and I'm a hic-a-doo-la girl

297. "And together, it is a hic-a-doo-la world

298. "Hic-a-doo-la!"

299. Mr. Quagmire, what does "hic-a-doo-la" mean?

300. What does "hic-a-doo-la" mean?

301. It's that special feeling you get when you hold hands with your best gal.

302. It's cheering real loud for the home team!

303. It's catching the perfect wave!

304. It's obeying all the rules!

305. No way!

306. Hey, are we in Tiananmen, because I see a square.

307. "Hic-a-doo-la!"

308. - Great shot, Cleveland Jr. - Thanks, Mr. Drummond.

309. Listen, for today, can you switch and call me Mr. Papadapolis?

310. You got it!

311. And would you hate me if I called you Webster?

312. - That's the line! - Okay, sorry.

313. Hi, Tom Tucker, local news anchor, and on my days off...

314. an avid golf enthusiast.

315. The club's having a Man-Boy tournament. You two should enter.

316. A tournament?

317. That gives me an idea! Come on. I'll explain in the car!

318. This is the perfect way to show my friends what a great father figure...

319. I've been to Cleveland Jr. I'll do it!

320. Where should we sit?

321. That's not up to me, kid. I follow the old divining rod.

322. How old are you?

323. Old enough to know you're a whore.

324. Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down.

325. I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad...

326. but he doesn't have time for me.

327. Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect.

328. Come on, your dad deserves another chance.

329. Wow! You are smart!

330. All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash!

331. - Hey, you take bankcards? - Sure.

332. Can I get stamps, too?

333. We're here at the 17th hole, where Peter Griffin and Cleveland Jr...

334. are five strokes ahead, making victory all but a certainty.

335. I told you I could mold your son into a champion.

336. This is gonna be my greatest victory ever...

337. except for the time I defeated my evil twin.

338. Not me, Lois. Shoot him. I'm the real Peter.

339. I don't know.

340. Lois, look at me. You know your own husband, don't you?

341. Thank God. You made the right choice, honey.

342. - What was that? - Nothing.

343. One more hole and that Man-Boy trophy is ours.

344. Here you go, little buddy.

345. Hey, look at me! I'm Pelé! I'm Pelé!

346. Goal!

347. Where the hell is he going?

348. He's gone. Maybe you better stick to looking after your own son.

349. Oh, my God! Is she dead?

350. No, I think she's still— No, that did it.