1. We now return to
Little House on the Prairie.Copy !req
2. That's wonderful, Mary.
You're doing great with your Braille.Copy !req
3. I couldn't have done it without you, Pa.Copy !req
4. Why don't you go up to bed
and get some sleep, honey?Copy !req
5. Honey, you remember
where the stool was.Copy !req
6. Mary, you're in the kitchen,
sweetheart, you're all disoriented.Copy !req
7. Let me help you. The ladder's right here.Copy !req
8. Thanks, Pa.Copy !req
9. Jeez, life was a lot tougher back then.Copy !req
10. "It seems today that all you seeCopy !req
11. "is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
12. "But where are those good,
old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
13. "on which we used to rely?Copy !req
14. "Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
15. "Lucky there's a man who'll
positively tell youCopy !req
16. "all the things that make us"Copy !req
17. "laugh 'n' cry"Copy !req
18. "He's a family guy"Copy !req
19. Listen up, everybody.
It's time for spring cleaning.Copy !req
20. Spring cleaning? Oh, not again.Copy !req
21. That was weird.Copy !req
22. Boy, that was weird, too.Copy !req
23. If we all pitch in,
we'll be done in no time.Copy !req
24. Lois, you know I swore
I'd never clean again.Copy !req
25. Not after Bounty
dropped me as their spokesman.Copy !req
26. Wait a second.Copy !req
27. Rosie, I've just poured this glass of
warm yellow liquid on the counter...Copy !req
28. and you're telling me that Bounty
can pick it up in five seconds?Copy !req
29. - What is this?
- Four seconds.Copy !req
30. - Is that—
- Three seconds.Copy !req
31. - It smells like—
- Clean my pee!Copy !req
32. Mom, I can't clean. I got stuff to do.Copy !req
33. Sweetheart, we all know
you don't have any stuff to do.Copy !req
34. Now, I don't want to hear
any more excuses from anyone.Copy !req
35. Crap! We did it again!Copy !req
36. Ruth Bader Ginsburg!Copy !req
37. Look, Meg, it's your little baby booties.Copy !req
38. And your little bronze hat.
And your tail.Copy !req
39. My what?
Nothing.Copy !req
40. Okay, Lois' list says clean the windows,
clear the gutters, and wash the siding.Copy !req
41. To most folks, that's three chores.Copy !req
42. To Peter Griffin and his big hose,
it's one.Copy !req
43. You're not working hard, Peter,
you're working smart.Copy !req
44. Hey, Chris, give me the juice!Copy !req
45. Peter, there's water and glass!
It's a disaster in here!Copy !req
46. Well, why don't you
put down your ginger ale...Copy !req
47. and Redbook and get to work?Copy !req
48. Lazy.Copy !req
49. You're not helping!
Look, don't come near the house!Copy !req
50. Go do something else.Copy !req
51. This duffel bag is only half-zipped.
Where are you going?Copy !req
52. I'm going camping for the weekend
with Johnny-Cut-Corners.Copy !req
53. You guys want to come along?Copy !req
54. It would be nice to get out of the house.Copy !req
55. This is the time of the month when
Loretta is visited by her Aunt Flo.Copy !req
56. Loretta likes to personify
her menses in humorous ways.Copy !req
57. Hey, Quagmire!
You up for some camping?Copy !req
58. Sorry, bud, the only tent
I'm pitching this weekend is...Copy !req
59. Well, you see where I'm going with this.Copy !req
60. I want to go, Dad.
It'll get me away from the evil monkey...Copy !req
61. that lives in my closet.Copy !req
62. Monkey in the closet.Copy !req
63. This is gonna be great.Copy !req
64. Last time I did male bonding was when
me and Cleveland went to Chinatown.Copy !req
65. Look, forget how it happened.
Can you just get us out of this?Copy !req
66. I say, Rupert, this paste is
quite delicious.Copy !req
67. It's almost worth the bowel obstruction.Copy !req
68. Are those my books?
What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
69. Papier-mâché. I used them to make
the houseboat from Surfside 6.Copy !req
70. You remember.Copy !req
71. "Surfside 6, who lives there?Copy !req
72. "Surfside 6, young bachelorsCopy !req
73. "In Miami Beach"Copy !req
74. Those are my first editions,
you little punk!Copy !req
75. Mama, doggy scary!Copy !req
76. Brian, have you lost your mind?
He's just a baby.Copy !req
77. - He doesn't know what he's doing.
- This isn't over!Copy !req
78. If you're looking for your Dostoyevsky,
I used it to make the fort from F Troop.Copy !req
79. Look what I found, Stewie.
An appointment card.Copy !req
80. You've got a checkup.Copy !req
81. Marvelous. A quick weigh-in,
a "stick out your tongue"...Copy !req
82. and a nice lollipop to cap it all off.
Remind me to ask the doctor...Copy !req
83. when my other testicle will descend.Copy !req
84. Bang! I'm Daniel Boone! I'm a man!
I'm a big man! Bang! Bang!Copy !req
85. Now I'm Pat Boone. Gonna have
a Christmas special with Andy Williams.Copy !req
86. So beautiful.Copy !req
87. It's almost as if this world
was created especially for me.Copy !req
88. - Do you think he's onto us, Christof?
- No, he's an idiot.Copy !req
89. Dad, I dug the latrine 50 feet out.Copy !req
90. That's great. You want a cookie
every time you do something right?Copy !req
91. - Go get some firewood!
- Yes, sir!Copy !req
92. He's gonna grow up to be quite a man!Copy !req
93. That was incredible, Kevin.Copy !req
94. I'm not here to impress you. Am I, Dad?Copy !req
95. Did I say you could rest yet?Copy !req
96. I'm Abe Lincoln!
I just chopped some wood!Copy !req
97. Good for you, son.Copy !req
98. Where's Chris? I asked him
to fill up the canteens an hour ago.Copy !req
99. Hey, Dad, look.Copy !req
100. I covered my back with honey,
and now the ants are taking me home.Copy !req
101. He does the same thing at home
with Velveeta and cockroaches.Copy !req
102. If you turn the light on fast,
they slam him into the fridge.Copy !req
103. Great, Mirabella.Copy !req
104. December's Mirabella.Copy !req
105. What's your story?
Get lost on the way to the morgue?Copy !req
106. No, seriously, is that yours?
Because if it is, bravo.Copy !req
107. You remember
that short-lived sitcom, Fish?Copy !req
108. They should've put that on before CHiPs.Copy !req
109. The marketing practically writes itself.Copy !req
110. Let's go, Chris,
your dinner isn't gonna catch itself.Copy !req
111. I don't want to go.
I had a bad experience with a fish once.Copy !req
112. Oh, my God! My fish is gone!Copy !req
113. And he robbed me!Copy !req
114. Okay, see you, Chris.Copy !req
115. Peter, this is none of my business,Copy !req
116. but you're turning your
boy into a slacker.Copy !req
117. How dare you
call my parenting into question.Copy !req
118. If you were a woman, I'd slug you.Copy !req
119. I'm just saying
you should teach him some responsibility.Copy !req
120. All right, I'll show you responsibility.Copy !req
121. Hey, Chris, you are responsible
for guarding the camp while we're fishing.Copy !req
122. You got it, Dad. You can count on me...Copy !req
123. Chris, pay attention. I want you to...Copy !req
124. All right, take a deep breath, Stewie.Copy !req
125. Cold! Cold! Okay. I'm fine.Copy !req
126. Tell me, Dr. Hartman,
do all the children fall in love with you?Copy !req
127. That's cold.Copy !req
128. Twenty-nine pounds.
That's big for your age.Copy !req
129. Forgive me for not being
one of those anorexic babies...Copy !req
130. from the diaper commercials.Copy !req
131. All right, little guy,
time for your immunizations.Copy !req
132. - You might want to hold him.
- Hold me for what?Copy !req
133. - What the deuce?
- I'm sorry, sweetie.Copy !req
134. Back off! Don't come any closer
or I'll cut her!Copy !req
135. I'll give her a series of splinters...Copy !req
136. that could, you know, become infected.Copy !req
137. Look, Stewie, look at the dancing kitty.Copy !req
138. Oh, no! I'll not be taken in
by one of your...Copy !req
139. Oh, my. That's delightful, isn't it?
What's your name, you little...Copy !req
140. Oh, God!Copy !req
141. They call this the magic hour.Copy !req
142. The day's not quite gone,
but the night's not quite here...Copy !req
143. and somewhere, Scott Baio
is plowing a woman he doesn't love.Copy !req
144. I got one, Dad!Copy !req
145. Looks like that's the one that got away.Copy !req
146. The hell it is! You get in there,
and you kick that fish's ass!Copy !req
147. God, I love him!Copy !req
148. I can't believe
how terrible the fishing was.Copy !req
149. Yeah, all we caught was a tire,Copy !req
150. a boot, a tin can and
this book of clichés.Copy !req
151. Well, thank God we came prepared.
We brought enough food to last us...Copy !req
152. Holy crap, Chris! What the hell?
I put you in charge of the food.Copy !req
153. The raccoons were here. See?Copy !req
154. We're a bunch of sneaky animals.
We're gonna wreck this food and eat it...Copy !req
155. 'cause we're naughty.
And there's a guy.Copy !req
156. Let's get him in trouble with his dad.Copy !req
157. Somehow I'm less than surprised.Copy !req
158. I'm sorry, Dad.
I messed up the entire trip.Copy !req
159. It's not your fault, Chris.
I failed you as a father.Copy !req
160. From now on, Joe will be your father.Copy !req
161. Cleveland?Copy !req
162. I'll teach the boy. Come, my son.
I'll show you the ways of the herd.Copy !req
163. Crap!Copy !req
164. Peter, why are you sitting
with the sheets over your head?Copy !req
165. - Peter, what's wrong?
- That obvious?Copy !req
166. Well, you always do the skull gag
when you're depressed. Talk to me.Copy !req
167. Well, it's just, I've been trying to teach
Chris how to be a man, you know?Copy !req
168. First, I tried teaching him
how to eat an Oreo.Copy !req
169. Chris, the way to eat an Oreo is
to twist it, pull it apart, and lick it.Copy !req
170. Now, you.Copy !req
171. I tried teaching him
how to get out of paying a check.Copy !req
172. Waiter, there's a dead guy in my soup.Copy !req
173. I'm terribly sorry, sir.
Of course your soup is gratis.Copy !req
174. Thank you. Now, your turn.Copy !req
175. Waiter, there's a dead guy in my...Copy !req
176. Peter, you can't force-feed maturity.
He needs to learn it on his own.Copy !req
177. - Why don't you get him a job?
- Freeze-frame!Copy !req
178. That's it! I can teach Chris
responsibility by getting him a job.Copy !req
179. Isn't she great?
Now you see why I married her.Copy !req
180. Go away now.
I'm going to do stuff to her.Copy !req
181. I'm sorry Stewie ruined your books.
Here, I brought you some of Peter's.Copy !req
182. Mr. T by Mr. T.Copy !req
183. T and Me by George Peppard.Copy !req
184. For the Last Time, I'm not Mr. T
by Ving Rhames.Copy !req
185. Stewie, are you okay?Copy !req
186. Must we make small talk
every time we pass?Copy !req
187. You're burning up!
Must be a reaction to the shots.Copy !req
188. I'll go get you some baby aspirin.Copy !req
189. What are you talking about? The shots
were supposed to make me healthy!Copy !req
190. You believe Lois had them inject you
with something to make you healthy?Copy !req
191. I mean, you were already healthy, right?Copy !req
192. Oh, God! You're right!
I was pink as a pistol!Copy !req
193. "Pink as a pistol!" Good Lord!
I can't even form a cogent simile anymore!Copy !req
194. - What was in those needles?
- I've already said too much.Copy !req
195. I should have known!
Her treachery knows no limits!Copy !req
196. Getting dizzy! Fight it, Stewie!Copy !req
197. "Do not go gentle into that good night,"
to quote Bob Dylan.Copy !req
198. No, no, Dylan Thomas.Copy !req
199. Boys, I'm a miracle worker.
I have used all my parenting skills...Copy !req
200. to change my son from a lazy slacker
into a working man.Copy !req
201. - Nice going, Peter.
- Up yours, Joe.Copy !req
202. - What?
- Thanks. Hey, Chris.Copy !req
203. Hey, Dad! I'm working! I'm...Copy !req
204. Careful, Chris,
you don't get dental for 60 days.Copy !req
205. Hey, you that Griffin boy's father?
Paddy Tanniger, the caddie manager.Copy !req
206. Yeah, it rhymes, big whoop.
Wanna fight about it?Copy !req
207. Listen, your son
is the best ball shagger we ever had.Copy !req
208. I sold twice as many buckets today...Copy !req
209. because everybody
wants to hit the fat kid.Copy !req
210. Lynn, cancel my afternoon meetings.
I gotta hit more balls at this fat kid.Copy !req
211. - Peter, do you mind if Kevin and I...
- Nail Chris? He'd be thrilled.Copy !req
212. Hey, this kid here
just knocked a ball 300 yards!Copy !req
213. I'm Tiger Woods! I'm Tiger Woods!Copy !req
214. Cleveland, your kid's a natural.
With a little help, he could be a pro.Copy !req
215. Oh, Peter. I can't make Cleveland Jr.
sit still for anything.Copy !req
216. Sometimes, I wonder
if he's got the epilepsy...Copy !req
217. but then I just go see
what's on the TV.Copy !req
218. Well, maybe you're not
as good a father as me.Copy !req
219. Look what I did with Chris! I'm even
better than that dad on Lost in Space.Copy !req
220. We need to gather more information
about this new planet.Copy !req
221. Don, you take my 16-year-old
blonde daughter out in the chariot...Copy !req
222. for the day.
Penny, you stay here with me.Copy !req
223. Will, you and the robot
go out into the uncharted wilderness...Copy !req
224. and take this
mincing boy-hungry pedophile with you.Copy !req
225. Cleveland Jr.'s beyond your skills.
He won't respond to you.Copy !req
226. Oh, yeah? Hey, come here, Cleveland Jr.Copy !req
227. - Come to Peter.
- Over here, Junior.Copy !req
228. - Come on! Come on, Cleveland Jr.
- Come to Daddy. Come on!Copy !req
229. You'll see. I'm gonna turn this kid
into the greatest golfer ever!Copy !req
230. Fine!Copy !req
231. - How did you get him to come to you?
- With this.Copy !req
232. - Love.
- Jealousy.Copy !req
233. - Touch.
- Forever.Copy !req
234. - Intense.
- Passion.Copy !req
235. Obsession, Calvin Klein.Copy !req
236. Drink this, honey.
It'll bring your fever down.Copy !req
237. I'm gonna go run you a cool bath.Copy !req
238. She's one of them! I'm sure of it!
Now tell me what they injected me with!Copy !req
239. You know Mr. T
always wanted to be a Broadway dancer?Copy !req
240. Answer me, damn it!
What have they done to me?Copy !req
241. It could be any number of things.
Gene manipulation, sterilization.Copy !req
242. They want my seed!Copy !req
243. But from the look of your pupils, I'd say
it's some kind of mind-control serum...Copy !req
244. or not.Copy !req
245. Mind control? But I feel so lucid.Copy !req
246. - Yes, you look spot on to me.
- Thank you. I try to work out.Copy !req
247. But who has the time,
besides trophy wives?Copy !req
248. Oh, yes, that's rich.Copy !req
249. Didn't want to be a mean guy.
Wanted to be a dancer!Copy !req
250. Go away!Copy !req
251. You!Copy !req
252. I am taking your brain.
You are now my slave.Copy !req
253. No!Copy !req
254. Why is he freaking out like that?Copy !req
255. He's having a little hallucination
from the fever...Copy !req
256. just like when you were 3
and you ate those adult brownies...Copy !req
257. I was saving
for the Doobie Brothers concert.Copy !req
258. I'm gonna be on a cereal box.Copy !req
259. "Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah!
It's not small, no, no, no!"Copy !req
260. Now pay attention, Junior. You want
to keep your shoulders straight...Copy !req
261. and your knees bent,
and just once, for me...Copy !req
262. would you call me Mr. Drummond?Copy !req
263. Hey, Griffin, down here.
Yeah, it's a secret tunnel...Copy !req
264. like Hogan's Heroes. Big whoop.
Want to fight about it?Copy !req
265. Look, here's your first week's pay.Copy !req
266. All right, Chris!Copy !req
267. Dad! Dad, look!Copy !req
268. That's great, Chris,
but I'm trying to be a good father here.Copy !req
269. I'm real proud of you, champ.
Let's go get a milkshake.Copy !req
270. You got it, Mr. Drummond.Copy !req
271. - Package for Glen Quagmire.
- Excuse me.Copy !req
272. I've got a package for you, too!
All right!Copy !req
273. Nice try, but I've built up an immunity.Copy !req
274. - Hey, what's wrong, kid?
- My dad doesn't care about me anymore.Copy !req
275. Well, hey, at least you have a dad.Copy !req
276. When I was growing up,
it was just me and my mom.Copy !req
277. Looks like somebody's hungry.Copy !req
278. All right!Copy !req
279. I just wanted him to be proud of me.
I even got a job.Copy !req
280. There's your problem.
Jobs are for suckers.Copy !req
281. You just need to learn how
to have a good time. Come on.Copy !req
282. Go ahead, kid. Try it out.Copy !req
283. Excuse me, you dropped something.Copy !req
284. My jaw.Copy !req
285. All right!Copy !req
286. Nice going.Copy !req
287. All right!
All right!Copy !req
288. - I don't think I like feet
as much as you do.Copy !req
289. - Hey, everybody likes feet!Copy !req
290. Come on. The party's just starting.Copy !req
291. "I'm gonna grab my girl
and head to the beach!Copy !req
292. "Hic-a-doo-la!Copy !req
293. "We're gonna all hang ten
and maybe thenCopy !req
294. "Hic-a-doo-la!Copy !req
295. "Because I'm a hic-a-doo-la boyCopy !req
296. "and I'm a hic-a-doo-la girlCopy !req
297. "And together, it is a hic-a-doo-la worldCopy !req
298. "Hic-a-doo-la!"Copy !req
299. Mr. Quagmire,
what does "hic-a-doo-la" mean?Copy !req
300. What does "hic-a-doo-la" mean?Copy !req
301. It's that special feeling you get
when you hold hands with your best gal.Copy !req
302. It's cheering real loud
for the home team!Copy !req
303. It's catching the perfect wave!Copy !req
304. It's obeying all the rules!Copy !req
305. No way!Copy !req
306. Hey, are we in Tiananmen,
because I see a square.Copy !req
307. "Hic-a-doo-la!"Copy !req
308. - Great shot, Cleveland Jr.
- Thanks, Mr. Drummond.Copy !req
309. Listen, for today, can you switch
and call me Mr. Papadapolis?Copy !req
310. You got it!Copy !req
311. And would you hate me
if I called you Webster?Copy !req
312. - That's the line!
- Okay, sorry.Copy !req
313. Hi, Tom Tucker, local news anchor,
and on my days off...Copy !req
314. an avid golf enthusiast.Copy !req
315. The club's having a Man-Boy tournament.
You two should enter.Copy !req
316. A tournament?Copy !req
317. That gives me an idea!
Come on. I'll explain in the car!Copy !req
318. This is the perfect way to show my friends
what a great father figure...Copy !req
319. I've been to Cleveland Jr. I'll do it!Copy !req
320. Where should we sit?Copy !req
321. That's not up to me, kid.
I follow the old divining rod.Copy !req
322. How old are you?Copy !req
323. Old enough to know you're a whore.Copy !req
324. Come on. Talk to me, sweetie.
You look a little down.Copy !req
325. I always thought I'd go
to my first nudie bar with my dad...Copy !req
326. but he doesn't have time for me.Copy !req
327. Well, sweetie, part of growing up
is learning that adults aren't perfect.Copy !req
328. Come on, your dad deserves
another chance.Copy !req
329. Wow! You are smart!Copy !req
330. All right! Oh, no!
No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash!Copy !req
331. - Hey, you take bankcards?
- Sure.Copy !req
332. Can I get stamps, too?Copy !req
333. We're here at the 17th hole,
where Peter Griffin and Cleveland Jr...Copy !req
334. are five strokes ahead,
making victory all but a certainty.Copy !req
335. I told you I could mold your son
into a champion.Copy !req
336. This is gonna be
my greatest victory ever...Copy !req
337. except for the time
I defeated my evil twin.Copy !req
338. Not me, Lois. Shoot him.
I'm the real Peter.Copy !req
339. I don't know.Copy !req
340. Lois, look at me.
You know your own husband, don't you?Copy !req
341. Thank God.
You made the right choice, honey.Copy !req
342. - What was that?
- Nothing.Copy !req
343. One more hole
and that Man-Boy trophy is ours.Copy !req
344. Here you go, little buddy.Copy !req
345. Hey, look at me! I'm Pelé! I'm Pelé!Copy !req
346. Goal!Copy !req
347. Where the hell is he going?Copy !req
348. He's gone. Maybe you better stick
to looking after your own son.Copy !req
349. Oh, my God!
Is she dead?Copy !req
350. No, I think she's still—
No, that did it.Copy !req