1. "It seems today that all you seeCopy !req
2. "is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
3. "But where are those good,
old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
4. "on which we used to rely?Copy !req
5. "Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
6. "Lucky there's a man who'll
positively tell youCopy !req
7. "all the things that make usCopy !req
8. "laugh 'n' cryCopy !req
9. "He's a family guy"Copy !req
10. Mrs. Lipstein, I have bad news.
The tumor is malignant.Copy !req
11. I'm afraid you only have six months
to live.Copy !req
12. Oh, my God!Copy !req
13. Got milk?Copy !req
14. Listen up, everybody.
Your Grandpa Griffin is finally retiring.Copy !req
15. Grandpa Griffin?Copy !req
16. Is he the one that smells like firewood
and has big gray pussywillows in his ears?Copy !req
17. Chris, that's a terrible word.
"Pussywillows."Copy !req
18. My dad worked at that mill for 60 years.
That's almost 80 years.Copy !req
19. Tomorrow we'll all go
to a big dinner to honor him.Copy !req
20. Why? We barely know him.Copy !req
21. Yeah. How come he never visits us?Copy !req
22. Kids, your grandfather has never been
comfortable with the fact...Copy !req
23. that I'm not Catholic.Copy !req
24. Dad loves all of us.
He's just too busy working to show it.Copy !req
25. He's been that way since I was a kid.Copy !req
26. And now the winners of
the father-son three-legged race.Copy !req
27. First place, Bobby Hammill and his dad.
Second place, Jimmy Lawson and his dad.Copy !req
28. Third place,
Peter Griffin and a stalk of corn.Copy !req
29. Now that he's retiring,
we can finally spend some time together.Copy !req
30. I want us to have one of those
father-son moments, like on TV.Copy !req
31. Where we hug and the music goes...Copy !req
32. Thanks, boys. Just like that.Copy !req
33. Can you do that fluttery thing like
when the Brady kids run down the stairs?Copy !req
34. I don't want to tattle.Copy !req
35. But is Bobby really a doctor?Copy !req
36. Mom, I can't eat.
I'm too grossed out by Grandpa's ears.Copy !req
37. I know.
They're like a big, gray enchanted forest.Copy !req
38. Kids, your grandfather's ears
are not gross.Copy !req
39. And they are certainly not
an enchanted forest.Copy !req
40. But seriously, tonight
we here at Pawtucket Mill celebrate...Copy !req
41. the career of our oldest and
most dedicated employee, Francis Griffin.Copy !req
42. Francis.Copy !req
43. At mass this morning...Copy !req
44. it occurred to me that I may never see
any of your faces again.Copy !req
45. I just want to say that Jesus loves you.Copy !req
46. But in my eyes,
you're a bunch of sinners and slackers...Copy !req
47. who forced a hard-working
old man to retire.Copy !req
48. So you can take this shiny watch
and shove it.Copy !req
49. I adore this man!Copy !req
50. That was some speech, Dad.Copy !req
51. Yeah. It's a shame Grandma
wasn't there to hear it.Copy !req
52. Bless her heart. She's on another one
of her prayer missions in Las Vegas.Copy !req
53. Hit me, you five-card stud.Copy !req
54. Cocktail!Copy !req
55. Aye, she's a rose.Copy !req
56. It's a pity you couldn't find yourself
a nice Irish Catholic girl, Peter.Copy !req
57. Francis, this must be embarrassing
for you.Copy !req
58. I'm in the car.Copy !req
59. Now that you're retired, you're
coming to stay with us.Copy !req
60. No more excuses.
I'm putting my foot down.Copy !req
61. Brian, buckle up. What do you say, Dad?Copy !req
62. - I don't want to be a bother.
- It's no bother, is it, Lois?Copy !req
63. Of course not. It'll be fun.Copy !req
64. You're a good woman, Lois.
Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all.Copy !req
65. Maybe you'll just go to purgatory
with all the unbaptized babies.Copy !req
66. There you go, Lois. You love kids.Copy !req
67. Look at that.Copy !req
68. Dad's reading Stewie to sleep,
just like he never did for me.Copy !req
69. "So God cast the pagans and sinners
into the fiery bowels of Hell...Copy !req
70. "... where their flesh burned in agony
forever and ever."Copy !req
71. The end.Copy !req
72. Children love a good bedtime story
from the Bible.Copy !req
73. Yes, charming.
Like when God told Abraham to kill Isaac.Copy !req
74. Hey!Copy !req
75. That was a lovely service, Francis.Copy !req
76. Super. And only
three more hours till school.Copy !req
77. I didn't even know there was
a 5:00 a.m. mass.Copy !req
78. I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m.
What else haven't you told me?Copy !req
79. I rather like this God fellow.
He's very theatrical, you know.Copy !req
80. A pestilence here and a plague there.
Omnipotence!Copy !req
81. Got to get me some of that.Copy !req
82. Yes. We all enjoy the Bible in this house.Copy !req
83. Really? What's your favorite book
of the Bible?Copy !req
84. That one where Jesus swallows
the puzzle piece...Copy !req
85. and the man in the big yellow hat
has to take him to the hospital.Copy !req
86. Open this door! Open it, I say!Copy !req
87. Sorry, Grandpa.Copy !req
88. You might want to give that
a minute or two.Copy !req
89. I know what you're doing in there,
and it's a sin!Copy !req
90. If you ever do it again,
you'll burn in Hell!Copy !req
91. But I do it every day. Sometimes twice.Copy !req
92. Mark my words, lad.Copy !req
93. You may think you're alone,
but God's watching.Copy !req
94. Don't do it again!Copy !req
95. God's watching me do number two?Copy !req
96. I'm a sinner, and God's a pervert.Copy !req
97. Megan!Copy !req
98. How was school?Copy !req
99. Good. Kevin walked me home.Copy !req
100. - Kevin?
- He lives next door.Copy !req
101. He lives next door to a harlot!Copy !req
102. Grandpa, we were just holding hands.Copy !req
103. It'll be easy for him to take your hand
when God strikes your heart with leprosy.Copy !req
104. He can take it right home with him!Copy !req
105. Lord, it's great to see you kids.Copy !req
106. Francis, we were watching that.Copy !req
107. I'll tell you how it ends.
Laura burns the roast...Copy !req
108. and God kills her for parading her bum
around in those pants!Copy !req
109. Yeah, not a bad way to kick off
your retirement, huh, Dad?Copy !req
110. Yeah, the magic of baseball has brought
fathers and sons together...Copy !req
111. for millions of years.Copy !req
112. Stewie's having fun.Copy !req
113. Why does that man drop his club
before he runs around?Copy !req
114. I would bring it with me.Copy !req
115. Hey, who wants a Fenway frank?Copy !req
116. Nothing says, "Please talk to me, Daddy,"
like a Fenway frank.Copy !req
117. Is there a bathroom here?
I don't think I can wait anymore.Copy !req
118. In a public restroom, lad?Copy !req
119. For the good of your soul,
show some restraint.Copy !req
120. Hey, hot dog guy!Copy !req
121. I'll get him.Copy !req
122. Oh, no, Dad, they bring them to you.Copy !req
123. Well, la-de-da.
I don't need my food brought to me.Copy !req
124. I'm not a broken-down old mule!
I can still work!Copy !req
125. I can still take orders!Copy !req
126. Oh, hey! Hey, look! Hey, Dad!Copy !req
127. Aw, crap. That was money well-spent.Copy !req
128. He just left without saying anything?
Where would he go?Copy !req
129. I don't know. I asked him to buy me
some peanuts and cracker jacks.Copy !req
130. I don't care if he ever gets back.Copy !req
131. I wasn't being cute.
I really hope he's dead.Copy !req
132. Tom, the city of Boston
is examining its conscience tonight...Copy !req
133. in preparation for a visit
from the Pope.Copy !req
134. That's right, Diane.Copy !req
135. I'll tell you what else
will be examined, this cock.Copy !req
136. The Rhode Island Cock Society
is sponsoring free check-ups...Copy !req
137. for this year's Cock Awareness Week.
I don't know why the suggestive name.Copy !req
138. They could've just as easily
gone with "rooster."Copy !req
139. I'm telling you.
Something must've happened to him.Copy !req
140. He's probably hurt, or lost,
or shanghaied by pirates!Copy !req
141. That renegade pirate ship captained
by the ruthless Peg Leg Swantoon!Copy !req
142. Peter, calm down.
It's his first night of retirement.Copy !req
143. He's probably out enjoying himself.Copy !req
144. He's in jail.Copy !req
145. Dad, my God, are you okay?Copy !req
146. Don't be using the Lord's name in vain!Copy !req
147. He's okay! Thank God!Copy !req
148. It seems he broke into the old mill
after hours.Copy !req
149. We found him working on a kick press.Copy !req
150. Dad, you left the ball game with me
to go work in a mill?Copy !req
151. Yes! I want to work! I want my job back!Copy !req
152. But, Dad, you're retired.Copy !req
153. I'd rather be dead.Copy !req
154. I'll tell you what's dead. Vaudeville.
You know what killed it? Talkie pictures.Copy !req
155. But you can still make it.
You just need a gimmick.Copy !req
156. I, for one, am a tumbler.
Here, watch my round-off.Copy !req
157. Hey, be a sport. Take the pills out of
my pocket and put one under my tongue.Copy !req
158. I don't get it, Lois. Baseball's always
been the secret to male bonding.Copy !req
159. It even worked for Rosie O'Donnell
and his father in A League of Their Own.Copy !req
160. I hate to say this...Copy !req
161. but it doesn't seem like your dad
is interested in bonding with you.Copy !req
162. All he cares about is work.Copy !req
163. Wait a second. Work!
That's what'll bring us together.Copy !req
164. We can start our own father-son business.Copy !req
165. What are you doing with all them
bathtubs, you heathen dummy?Copy !req
166. Pop, why you gotta be like that?Copy !req
167. We cut 'em in half, stick a Virgin Mary
in them and sell them as shrines.Copy !req
168. That's my boy. At least,
that's what your mama always told me.Copy !req
169. Now give me a hug before I give you
a knuckle sandwich.Copy !req
170. Or you could just get your father a job
with you at the toy factory.Copy !req
171. That's an even better idea!
Lois, you're a genius.Copy !req
172. Now give me a hug
before I give you a knuckle sandwich.Copy !req
173. Peter, I can't hug you.Copy !req
174. Cut it out. I'm serious.Copy !req
175. And this is the nerve center
of the whole factory, my station.Copy !req
176. I assemble our new action figure,
Zeke, the moody drifter.Copy !req
177. You mean to tell me
you stand here all day playing with dolls?Copy !req
178. It's not easy.
See, I gotta twist on his head...Copy !req
179. and stick a tiny pack of smokes
in his torn denim jacket.Copy !req
180. Any of you kids want to see a dead body?Copy !req
181. Wait here, Dad.Copy !req
182. Hey, Mr. Weed?Copy !req
183. Peter.Copy !req
184. Listen, I was wondering if you might
have a job for my dad.Copy !req
185. Your father?
He must be a man of at least 70.Copy !req
186. Oh, yeah. But he's in great shape.
Except his prostate.Copy !req
187. At 2:00 a.m. last night, I thought
a horse was using the bathroom.Copy !req
188. All finished. What's next?Copy !req
189. You did my whole day's work
in five minutes.Copy !req
190. We should sell you to the circus,
you freak!Copy !req
191. I've never seen such productivity.
How is this possible?Copy !req
192. I'll tell you how it's possible.Copy !req
193. Because this man always put his job
before everything else.Copy !req
194. His wife, his health, even his own son.Copy !req
195. Especially his own son.Copy !req
196. I need hear no more.
Everyone, this is your new shop foreman.Copy !req
197. Welcome aboard, sir. Lead as you see fit.Copy !req
198. Dad, after all these years, you and me
together, side by side, father and son.Copy !req
199. Peter, this is truly a miracle.
I'm so grateful.Copy !req
200. Hold that thought. Hey, boys, you're on.Copy !req
201. Go ahead, Dad.Copy !req
202. Thank you, Jesus.Copy !req
203. I have a purpose in life again.Copy !req
204. Hey! Break up the sewing circle
and get back to work!Copy !req
205. My, my. What a thumping good read!Copy !req
206. Lions eating Christians,
people nailing each other to two-by-fours.Copy !req
207. I say, you won't find that
in Winnie the Pooh.Copy !req
208. Please don't say "pooh."Copy !req
209. Are you all right? Where's your father?Copy !req
210. Still at the factory.
He's turning the break room into a chapel.Copy !req
211. A chapel? Where will you all eat lunch?Copy !req
212. Lois, lunch is a sin.
Taking a break is a sin.Copy !req
213. Bestiality is a sin.Copy !req
214. I'm not sure how that came up exactly,
but me and Dad have never been closer.Copy !req
215. Having him at the factory is the best...Copy !req
216. I got it.Copy !req
217. Your dad stinks.Copy !req
218. I'm working triple shifts,
and I'm still not Employee of the Week.Copy !req
219. How am I supposed to compete with that?Copy !req
220. Where is he anyway?Copy !req
221. This'll be for my fourth birdie.
Looks like someone's in the zone.Copy !req
222. Tough break there, Jesus.Copy !req
223. Yup. Or was it?Copy !req
224. Boo-yah!Copy !req
225. Back to work, all of you!
What's going on here?Copy !req
226. Dad, some of the guys think that...Copy !req
227. since you took over, work is no fun.Copy !req
228. - Work's not supposed to be fun.
- Why not?Copy !req
229. Why not?Copy !req
230. That's Satan talking! You're a failure
as a worker and as a father!Copy !req
231. Now wait a minute. I may not be perfect.Copy !req
232. At least I love my kids enough not to
spend every minute of the day working!Copy !req
233. I'm a damn good father,
and that's more than I can say about you!Copy !req
234. Peter, you've never spoken to me
like that before.Copy !req
235. You're fired!Copy !req
236. Well, in that case,
I'm suing you for sexual harassment.Copy !req
237. I'll see you at home.Copy !req
238. What are you doing, lad?
Nothing!Copy !req
239. Something's wrong with
your shower. The water's not cold enough.Copy !req
240. I like me showers colder
than a well digger's kerblocken.Copy !req
241. I think it's time someone sits
his kerfluffin' down...Copy !req
242. and has a talk with his unemployed son.Copy !req
243. If he needs to talk...Copy !req
244. he'd best go to confession
to beg forgiveness for all his failings!Copy !req
245. Have a glorious day.Copy !req
246. How can you just sit there
and let him talk like that?Copy !req
247. He's right, Lois. I am no good.Copy !req
248. Even my own dad doesn't love me.
Face it. I'm going to Hell.Copy !req
249. Adolf Hitler, Al Capone,
John Wilkes Booth.Copy !req
250. Hey, what are you doing here?Copy !req
251. I killed a hooker. She made a crack about
me being faster than a speeding bullet...Copy !req
252. so I ripped her in half
like a phone book.Copy !req
253. Yes, the fat man's going to Hell.Copy !req
254. And from the looks of his midsection,Copy !req
255. he'll burn like a tire dump
for all eternity.Copy !req
256. Oh! I love God!Copy !req
257. He's so deliciously evil.Copy !req
258. Stewie, eat your oatmeal.
Honey, you're a wonderful husband...Copy !req
259. a loving father, and,
for some reason I'll never understand...Copy !req
260. a very devoted son.Copy !req
261. That's a nice thought, Lois, but sadly,
it means nothing coming from you.Copy !req
262. The moment has arrived at last.Copy !req
263. We now go live
to Logan International Airport...Copy !req
264. where the Pope's plane
has just touched down.Copy !req
265. Hello, Boston!Copy !req
266. Are you ready to humble...Copy !req
267. yourself before God?Copy !req
268. What? Have you all taken a vow of silence?Copy !req
269. Come on!Copy !req
270. Then put your hands together for the one,
the only...Copy !req
271. His Holiness, the Pope!Copy !req
272. Hey, I just got a crazy idea!Copy !req
273. Why? Why?Copy !req
274. Hey, I just got another crazy idea!Copy !req
275. Hey, did you ever notice this?
On page 375, it says "Jebus."Copy !req
276. It's supposed to be "Jesus," right?Copy !req
277. - Room service!
- We didn't order no room service.Copy !req
278. Actually I just wanted
to check the honor bar.Copy !req
279. The last Pope we had here
filled his shaving kit with Necco wafers.Copy !req
280. All right, wise guy, who are you?Copy !req
281. I'm just a faithful Catholic man...Copy !req
282. with a family crisis
only His Holiness can resolve.Copy !req
283. I've never asked the church for anything,
but I don't know where else to turn.Copy !req
284. Dust him!Copy !req
285. My heavens, son! Are you okay?Copy !req
286. Yeah. I just got bounced
by the Pope's road crew.Copy !req
287. It's good you missed me.
I'm to drive the Popemobile.Copy !req
288. Any slight bump on the head
knocks me unconscious for a few hours.Copy !req
289. I always wake up fine,
but it's just so darn inconvenient...Copy !req
290. to be knocked out that easily.
Even by the slightest tap. Like this.Copy !req
291. Taking it off here, Boss.Copy !req
292. - Take it off there, Luke.
- Wiping it off, Boss.Copy !req
293. - Wipe it off, Nine.
- Waving at the Pope here, Boss.Copy !req
294. Wave at the Pope there, Luke.Copy !req
295. Are you sure this is Boston?Copy !req
296. Yeah, it's Boston.
See, look, there's Harvard.Copy !req
297. That's just a barn.Copy !req
298. Someone went to Yale.Copy !req
299. Lois, put the coffee on.Copy !req
300. Careful. I just cleaned the floor.Copy !req
301. Good thing.Copy !req
302. Lemony.Copy !req
303. Your Holiness, this is such an honor.Copy !req
304. Please, go into the living room
and make yourself at home!Copy !req
305. What is the Pope doing here?Copy !req
306. Relax. I just hijacked his bubble car
so he can convince my dad I'm a good guy.Copy !req
307. You kidnapped the Pope?Copy !req
308. This is the most reckless thing
you've ever done!Copy !req
309. Come on. What about the time
I was on that airplane?Copy !req
310. Peter, you've raised a fine family.Copy !req
311. Well, my dad thinks I'm a screw-up.
I was hoping you could change his mind.Copy !req
312. He'd have to believe you.
You're God's go-to guy.Copy !req
313. Your father is entitled to his opinion.Copy !req
314. But more important is what you think.Copy !req
315. Look deep in your heart, my son.Copy !req
316. Do you think you're a screw-up?Copy !req
317. No. I'm not. You know what?
I'm a damn good father.Copy !req
318. I have great kids.
That's not what Grandpa says.Copy !req
319. Grandpa is wrong.Copy !req
320. Meg, it's not a sin
for a girl your age to like boys.Copy !req
321. Thanks, Daddy.Copy !req
322. And Chris, what you do in the bathroom
is between you and God.Copy !req
323. And if you're sorry, he'll forgive you.Copy !req
324. Thanks, Dad!Copy !req
325. Good for you, Peter.Copy !req
326. But isn't there someone else
you should speak to?Copy !req
327. Yes, there is.Copy !req
328. Scarecrow, you've had brains all along.Copy !req
329. Same goes for your heart, Tin Man.Copy !req
330. And Kristy McNichol,
come back to television. We miss you.Copy !req
331. I meant you should talk to your father.Copy !req
332. You're right. You with me, big guy?Copy !req
333. Peter, I go where I am needed.Copy !req
334. To the Popemobile!Copy !req
335. Remember when we brought in that stripper
for Lombardi's birthday...Copy !req
336. and it turned out to be his son?
I think this is gonna top it.Copy !req
337. Wow, it's the Pope!Copy !req
338. Slothful sinners! You're here
to work, not sit around with your...Copy !req
339. Holy Mother! It's the Holy Father.Copy !req
340. I am not worthy.Copy !req
341. Rise, my son.Copy !req
342. You are indeed worthy,
for you have raised a fine son.Copy !req
343. His zest for life is an affirmation
of God's great love within us all.Copy !req
344. Wow! And that's from the freakin' Pope!Copy !req
345. So I guess you were wrong about me, Dad.Copy !req
346. I was wrong all right.Copy !req
347. Stand by, boys.Copy !req
348. I was wrong about you!Copy !req
349. You've gone soft on me, Holy Father!Copy !req
350. Even a tambourine-shaking Baptist
could tell this boy's no good!Copy !req
351. Are you calling me a liar?Copy !req
352. - Whoah, easy, Pontiff.
- Because I'll excommunicate your sorry—Copy !req
353. Okay, time out.Copy !req
354. Oh! I have never met
such an infuriating man!Copy !req
355. You must have the patience of a saint.Copy !req
356. Well, he's my dad.
And I just want him to love me.Copy !req
357. Peter, how could you say such a thing?Copy !req
358. I love you with all me heart.Copy !req
359. - You do?
- Of course.Copy !req
360. I just don't like you.
I don't like anything about you!Copy !req
361. Keep playing.
I think this is as good as it gets.Copy !req
362. Dad, to be honest,
I don't like you either.Copy !req
363. Jeez, that's a terrible thing to say.
I guess I am going to Hell.Copy !req
364. The good Lord said to honor thy father.Copy !req
365. He never said anything about liking him.Copy !req
366. Well, in that case, Dad...Copy !req
367. I'm gonna eat meat on Fridays,
golf on Sundays...Copy !req
368. laugh at Jewish comedians,
and yes, sleep with my Protestant wife.Copy !req
369. But I won't enjoy it. And she hates it.Copy !req
370. Well, fine. I'll be on me way.Copy !req
371. Take back your job,
and give your old man a hug.Copy !req
372. I love you, Dad.Copy !req
373. I know you do, Son.Copy !req
374. - What are you gonna do now?
- I don't know.Copy !req
375. I guess the good Lord doesn't have
much use for an old man like me.Copy !req
376. I suppose I could use
another pair of hands on my tour.Copy !req
377. You'd give Dad a job,
even knowing what a jerk he is?Copy !req
378. I have to. As you said, Peter,
"I am the freakin' Pope."Copy !req
379. All right, get back!Copy !req
380. No flash photography,
or you'll go straight to Hell! You!Copy !req
381. You're in God's house, you heathen!Copy !req
382. Take that cap off
before I take it off for you!Copy !req
383. I think your father found the perfect job.Copy !req
384. Let's hope so. I love being a good father.Copy !req
385. But I don't want to have to be
a good son again for a long, long time.Copy !req
386. Peter, open the door,
and break out the schnapps!Copy !req
387. Guess who needs a place
to sleep it off for the weekend?Copy !req
388. - Mom?
- Oh, my God, no!Copy !req
389. Quick, everyone! Into the pod!Copy !req