1. "It seems today that all you seeCopy !req
2. "is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
3. "But where are those good,
old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
4. "on which we used to rely?Copy !req
5. "Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
6. "Lucky there's a man who'll
positively tell youCopy !req
7. all the things that make usCopy !req
8. "laugh 'n' cryCopy !req
9. "He's a family guy"Copy !req
10. Okay, here's another riddle.
A woman has two children.Copy !req
11. And a homicidal maniac tells her
she can only keep one.Copy !req
12. Which one does she let him kill?Copy !req
13. That's not a riddle. That's just terrible!Copy !req
14. Wrong! The ugly one!Copy !req
15. Peter,
check out my new trampoline!Copy !req
16. Whoa, mama! Yeah!Copy !req
17. Jeez, Cleveland.
That must've set you back, huh?Copy !req
18. What'd you do? Sell your body to science?Copy !req
19. Because I thought of doing that.Copy !req
20. All right. Jenny, would you come up here
and show us where the femur is?Copy !req
21. Get out of here,
you little bastard.Copy !req
22. I knew this was the right thing to do.Copy !req
23. No. I just got a big tax refund.Copy !req
24. Uncle Sam sent me $500.Copy !req
25. I got $600!Copy !req
26. I got $850!Copy !req
27. I got a rock.Copy !req
28. I spent my refund on a digital TV
with Surround Sound.Copy !req
29. With headphones, I can watch
Steven Seagal films...Copy !req
30. without waking Bonnie.Copy !req
31. Yes! Lock and load! Bring on the pain!Copy !req
32. I spent my refund on a plug-in Playmate.Copy !req
33. So, schoolteacher.
That must be interesting.Copy !req
34. I'm getting something really special, too.Copy !req
35. And by special, I don't mean
like that Klinemann boy down the street.Copy !req
36. More special like Special K, the cereal.Copy !req
37. What did they do with the regular K?Copy !req
38. And for that matter,
whatever happened to Kaye Ballard?Copy !req
39. You know, if you said "mallard"
with a cold...Copy !req
40. it would sound like "Ballard".Copy !req
41. - Do you listen to yourself?
- I drift in and out.Copy !req
42. Rupert, the word "gullible"
is not in the dictionary.Copy !req
43. You don't believe me? Here. Look it up!Copy !req
44. What? What's that? It really isn't?
Rupert, touché!Copy !req
45. Hoisted by my own petard.Copy !req
46. I am so alone.Copy !req
47. Everybody, my tax refund is here.Copy !req
48. I'm gonna buy us something
we've always wanted.Copy !req
49. - A cat?
- A stereo?Copy !req
50. A pool?Copy !req
51. I'm sorry. It is a pool.
Joy unbounded!Copy !req
52. Go, Daddy!
I'll feed it and take care of it!Copy !req
53. Oh, my God! It's better than I thought!
An Audi! I'm getting a car!Copy !req
54. Peter, there's a "t" in there.
That says "Audit."Copy !req
55. No, Brian. It's a foreign car.
The "t" is silent. Sweet!Copy !req
56. - I'm getting an Audi!
- I have an innie.Copy !req
57. - Miss Stratford?
- Come in, Mr. Griffin. Don't be nervous.Copy !req
58. The IRS is much kinder and gentler
than we used to be. You smell nice.Copy !req
59. What? That must be you.Copy !req
60. No. It couldn't be me. I just farted.Copy !req
61. I just have a few questions
about your return.Copy !req
62. Did you incur any medical expenses
this year?Copy !req
63. You can write off medical stuff? Jeez.Copy !req
64. Had I known, I wouldn't have used
that discount surgeon.Copy !req
65. I'm not sure which to cut here,
the red one or the blue one.Copy !req
66. Okay. Just relax. Let's see.Copy !req
67. First, why don't you attach
that green one to that purple one?Copy !req
68. Okay, here goes.Copy !req
69. Oh, God!Copy !req
70. That kill me? I was afraid of that.Copy !req
71. Try the green one and the blue one.Copy !req
72. Mr. Griffin, you don't owe
any additional money.Copy !req
73. But unfortunately,
you're not entitled to a refund.Copy !req
74. Mr. Griffin, are you okay?Copy !req
75. Sorry, I still haven't gotten
over the loss of Party of Five.Copy !req
76. It'll take some time to get over it.
Now what were you saying?Copy !req
77. You're not entitled to a refund.Copy !req
78. - I'm sorry. Come again?
- You're not entitled to a refund.Copy !req
79. Was that for Party of Five, too?Copy !req
80. No. That was for my refund.
What the hell's Party of Five?Copy !req
81. By God, I may not be able to give
my family a vibrating sex doll.Copy !req
82. But at least I can give them a pool.Copy !req
83. If you find a human skeleton...Copy !req
84. with a Lincoln Log in the temple,
I didn't do it.Copy !req
85. I need that log to finish my recreation
of James Madison's cabin.Copy !req
86. I don't want anyone swimming in this
pool unless there's a lifeguard on duty.Copy !req
87. Doodie. Diarrhea.Copy !req
88. - Hey, Lois.
- What?Copy !req
89. Diarrhea.Copy !req
90. Peter, I'm holding iced tea!Copy !req
91. Honey, you don't have to do this.Copy !req
92. Maybe a pool is another one of those
things our family doesn't really need.Copy !req
93. Look everybody! I got us another dog!Copy !req
94. - What the...
- Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles?Copy !req
95. That's what I do. I ask for a snack
and then I blow the horn.Copy !req
96. - Look. It's some kind of plastic root.
- There's no such thing as a plastic root.Copy !req
97. You bastards come to our village,
and kill our fish, pollute our water.Copy !req
98. I'm gonna send you back to hell
where you belong!Copy !req
99. No!Copy !req
100. Good-bye.
Damn it!Copy !req
101. I fixed the power line.Copy !req
102. But the town's zoning laws prohibit
building a pool back there.Copy !req
103. What do you mean? It's my yard!Copy !req
104. I'm sorry,
your house is too close to the curb.Copy !req
105. Yeah?
Your eyes are too close to your nose!Copy !req
106. That may be. But you know what?Copy !req
107. I only have to wear one goggle
when I go swimming in my pool!Copy !req
108. - Hey, wait! Come back here!
- What?Copy !req
109. I have to draw you!Copy !req
110. You're why cavemen painted on walls!Copy !req
111. Damn government! Tell me I can't
build a pool on my own land.Copy !req
112. After my grandfather helped create...Copy !req
113. one of this country's
most beloved cartoon characters.Copy !req
114. Okay. We've narrowed it down
to two possible names.Copy !req
115. All in favor of "Bugs Bunny"?Copy !req
116. And all in favor
of "Ephraim the Retarded Rabbit"?Copy !req
117. You can all go to hell!Copy !req
118. - Where's the Mayor's office?
- Last door on the left.Copy !req
119. Come on. Come on.Copy !req
120. Hello, is this the—Copy !req
121. Sorry. I thought
you were the District Attorney.Copy !req
122. No. I'm Peter Griffin.Copy !req
123. You're here about your pool.
Step into my office.Copy !req
124. I'm here to serve
the fine citizens of Quahog.Copy !req
125. It'd be my pleasure to give you a permit.Copy !req
126. It's about time!Copy !req
127. - This is odd.
- What?Copy !req
128. I've never encountered anything
like this before...Copy !req
129. but your property
doesn't seem to be on the map.Copy !req
130. It's not part of Quahog.
What?Copy !req
131. I've been living at 31 Spooner Street
for 12 years.Copy !req
132. Sorry. But according to this map, you're
not even part of these United States.Copy !req
133. Which would make you a Communist!Copy !req
134. Damn!
Usually my malcontents are skinnier.Copy !req
135. Would you come back in a week...Copy !req
136. when my fat malcontent trap door
will be completed?Copy !req
137. I am not coming back in a week or ever!
I've had it with you!Copy !req
138. I've had it with this whole government!Copy !req
139. Fine!Copy !req
140. I love this job more than I love taffy.Copy !req
141. And I'm a man who enjoys his taffy.Copy !req
142. What's going on?
Did the city give you the permit?Copy !req
143. No. We're not part of the city.
We're not even part of this country.Copy !req
144. - And that makes us our own country!
- What are you talking about?Copy !req
145. Thanks to a technicality,
we have the right to secede from the US.Copy !req
146. From this day forth,
this territory will be known as Petoria!Copy !req
147. I'd call it Peterland, but that gay bar
by the airport already took it.Copy !req
148. Our lead story tonight, Petoria.Copy !req
149. A new foreign country, founded this week
right here in our own backyard!Copy !req
150. And in a Quahog News 5 exclusive,
we sent our own little foreigner...Copy !req
151. Asian correspondent, Trisha Takanawa,Copy !req
152. to Petoria
where First Lady Lois Griffin...Copy !req
153. has graciously agreed to give us a tour
of her country. Trisha.Copy !req
154. Thank you, Diane.Copy !req
155. So, Mrs. Griffin, what's it like
being the woman behind the man?Copy !req
156. When Peter first said we were
our own country, I was a bit skeptical.Copy !req
157. But then I thought,
I could be like Hillary Clinton.Copy !req
158. Only, without the penis.Copy !req
159. Tell us a little bit about your country.Copy !req
160. We're a clean, industrious people,
mostly white.Copy !req
161. My son, Chris,
is in charge of our space program.Copy !req
162. We hope to get to the moon very shortly.Copy !req
163. Almost...Copy !req
164. They should really use
monkeys for this.Copy !req
165. And little Stewie here
is our President of Poopie.Copy !req
166. So where is the President now?Copy !req
167. He's out on a goodwill mission to America.Copy !req
168. Here you go, Mr. President.
"Mr. President."Copy !req
169. Peter, that tickles me in a way...Copy !req
170. that if Loretta tickled me
in that way, I'd say:Copy !req
171. "Oh, yeah. That's nice. That's the spot."Copy !req
172. What are you talking about?
I'm a born leader.Copy !req
173. Like my great-great uncle
Ulysses S. Griffin.Copy !req
174. Chug-a-lug!Copy !req
175. How's that, Robert E. Lee?Copy !req
176. All right, no more slaves.
But we still don't have to read books!Copy !req
177. Deal.Copy !req
178. Barkeep, petro-nemo-slappy-wag.Copy !req
179. That's Petorian for
"More beer, you slappy-wag."Copy !req
180. You still owe me for the other rounds,
which comes to $50.Copy !req
181. I'm a foreign diplomat.
I don't pay for drinks.Copy !req
182. Do you think G. Gordon Liddy
paid for his drinks while he was...Copy !req
183. strangling people with piano wire
for the good of our nation?Copy !req
184. Peter, you can't drink that outside.
You could end up in jail.Copy !req
185. Not the good jail like on Cinemax.
The "man" jail.Copy !req
186. Go back and pay the bill, Peter.
You don't want to break the law.Copy !req
187. I can do whatever I want. Watch this.Copy !req
188. Now you're just being crazy.Copy !req
189. That's against the law!
You're coming with me!Copy !req
190. Can't touch me.Copy !req
191. "Can't touch meCopy !req
192. "Just like the bad guy
from Lethal Weapon 2Copy !req
193. "I've got diplomatic immunity
So Hammer, you can't sueCopy !req
194. "I can write graffiti
even jaywalk in the streetCopy !req
195. "I can riot, loot, not give a hoot
and touch your sister's teatCopy !req
196. "Can't touch meCopy !req
197. "Can't touch me"Copy !req
198. What in God's name is he doing?Copy !req
199. "Can't touch me"Copy !req
200. I believe that's the Worm.Copy !req
201. "Stop! Peter-time
I'm a big shot, there's no doubtCopy !req
202. "Light a fire and pee it out
Don't like it, kiss my rumpCopy !req
203. "Just for a minute, let's all do the BumpCopy !req
204. "Can't touch meCopy !req
205. "Do the Peter Griffin Bump
Can't touch meCopy !req
206. "I'm Presidential PeterCopy !req
207. "Interns think I'm hot
Don't care if you're handicappedCopy !req
208. "I'll still park in your spot
I've been around the worldCopy !req
209. "From Hartford to Back BayCopy !req
210. "It's Peter, go, Peter, MC Peter,
yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this wayCopy !req
211. "Can't touch me"Copy !req
212. Except for you. You can touch me.Copy !req
213. Attention, delegates.
This session of the United Nations...Copy !req
214. is hereby convened.Copy !req
215. Man, this sucks. Podium guy!
I've got a problem here!Copy !req
216. - Excuse me. Some of us are here to learn.
- No one's talking to you, Albania.Copy !req
217. Is there a problem back there?Copy !req
218. You bet your funny accent
there's a problem.Copy !req
219. I'm stuck up here in the nosebleeds.
I am president of Petoria.Copy !req
220. I want a better seat!Copy !req
221. Of course. How could we not have
recognized the great nation of Petoria?Copy !req
222. Have a seat up front.Copy !req
223. That's more like it!Copy !req
224. And would you
also like a special satelliteCopy !req
225. that can scratch your ass...Copy !req
226. with a laser beam from space?Copy !req
227. They have those?Copy !req
228. Hi, how you doing? You mind if I...Copy !req
229. - They don't respect you.
- What do you mean?Copy !req
230. Listen to me. I was
the laughing stock around here...Copy !req
231. until my country invaded Kuwait.
Now I have a seat in the third row.Copy !req
232. Look, the only way to get respect
around here...Copy !req
233. is to find something you want
and just take it!Copy !req
234. If everybody respects you, how come
you're still eating here by yourself?Copy !req
235. I don't shower.Copy !req
236. That's what that is.
Take what I want, huh?Copy !req
237. Good morning, Joe.
What are you doing in my pool?Copy !req
238. This is the newest province of Petoria.
I call it "Johio."Copy !req
239. What? You can't just come over here
and annex my pool!Copy !req
240. Yeah? According to paragraph seven,
sentence three, word eight...Copy !req
241. of the Geneva Convention, "The."
So tough luck, Swanson.Copy !req
242. So, as you can see,
Petoria has invaded U.S. soil.Copy !req
243. - What are our options?
- A military strike against such a small...Copy !req
244. nation could cause
an international backlash.Copy !req
245. True. But this kind of behavior
can't be tolerated.Copy !req
246. Agreed. I suggest we start
with political sanctions.Copy !req
247. Very good, gentlemen.Copy !req
248. I guess the world will show me
a little more respect now.Copy !req
249. Dad, I tried to go to school,
but this guy won't let me.Copy !req
250. - Yeah? Him and what army?
- The US Army.Copy !req
251. That's a good army.Copy !req
252. The scene outside
the US/Petorian border...Copy !req
253. as the sun rises on Day 1
of Operation Desert Clam.Copy !req
254. Good morning, I'm Diane Simmons.Copy !req
255. We now go to Tom Tucker, live at the site
of the US blockade. Tom.Copy !req
256. Diane, I'm here at the Petorian front
where the US has cut off electricity...Copy !req
257. water, and gas to the
tiny four-bedroom republic.Copy !req
258. The situation is very tense
and extremely dangerous.Copy !req
259. It's only a matter of time before...Copy !req
260. Oh, my God! They've opened fire!Copy !req
261. It looks like things
are getting very heated here.Copy !req
262. This is not a safe place to be.Copy !req
263. And now, sports.Copy !req
264. Lois?Copy !req
265. Over here, honey.
I'm chopping carrots for a salad.Copy !req
266. Here. Use this headlamp.Copy !req
267. Where's the kids?Copy !req
268. Upstairs, doing their homework
by candlelight.Copy !req
269. Damn pig-dog Americans
messing with my family like this!Copy !req
270. Honey, we can't bathe.
We can't do laundry. There's no heat.Copy !req
271. We can't live like this forever.Copy !req
272. It's not forever.
You know, it's just...Copy !req
273. Peter, I'm up here. Sweetie.Copy !req
274. Maybe you should go over to Joe's
and return his pool, huh?Copy !req
275. Forget it! We're a real country.Copy !req
276. And we deserve all the rights
that everyone else gets.Copy !req
277. But we have to think
about the welfare of our children!Copy !req
278. Stewie, is that you?Copy !req
279. Look, my mind is made up.Copy !req
280. I'm not giving up an inch
of Petorian soil.Copy !req
281. It's not a sign of weakness
to compromise.Copy !req
282. I just think you should...
Peter, stop staring at my chest!Copy !req
283. Oh, yeah. Sorry, Lois.Copy !req
284. And we're back with our round table
discussion on the Petorian crisis.Copy !req
285. You were making a point, John?Copy !req
286. Yes. What the United States is doing
to Petoria right now is criminal!Copy !req
287. Nonsense! Force is the only thing
a despot like Peter Griffin understands.Copy !req
288. Fine.
Why don't we just drop a bomb on him?Copy !req
289. What about that, Eleanor?Copy !req
290. It's ridiculous, clearly.
He's a factory worker, not a despot.Copy !req
291. That's not the point. Our blockade isCopy !req
292. turning Petoria
into a third world country.Copy !req
293. Can anybody tell me what the square root
of the hypotenuse is when...Copy !req
294. Chris, is that a note?
No.Copy !req
295. Yes, it is. Would you like to read it
to the rest of the class?Copy !req
296. - No.
- Just read it, Lardo.Copy !req
297. - "I think Mrs. Griffin's hot."
- Go to your room.Copy !req
298. Damn you, Rupert!Copy !req
299. Keep these loathsome insects away
from me or you'll end up like Mr. Giraffe.Copy !req
300. Hi. I'm Susan Sarandon. A lot
of you know me as Tim Robbins' mother.Copy !req
301. But I'm actually his girlfriend.
And this is Stewie.Copy !req
302. What the deuce?Copy !req
303. For less than a ticket to one
of my films about capital punishment...Copy !req
304. or neo-feminism, you can make sure
that Stewie never goes hungry again.Copy !req
305. Yes, and from the look
of those sweater cows, so can you.Copy !req
306. Good morning, subjects.
What's for breakfast?Copy !req
307. Nothing, you idiot.
We don't have any food.Copy !req
308. Peter, this has gotten way out of hand.
Look at what we're reduced to!Copy !req
309. Our own baby has to use
newspapers for diapers!Copy !req
310. No, no. This is fine. One second.Copy !req
311. I'm just about finished
with Family Circus.Copy !req
312. There we are. Who did that, Jeffie?
Not me.Copy !req
313. My God. We haven't been this miserable
since that time we were tortured.Copy !req
314. I'm sorry. Were you just whipping me?
Or did I just get bit by a mosquito?Copy !req
315. Lois, if you happen to see
the dungeon master, can you tell him...Copy !req
316. his grandmother just tried
to work me over?Copy !req
317. It's time to call this whole thing off!
Nobody's on our side!Copy !req
318. Are you nuts? Look at all these telegrams.Copy !req
319. "Nice going, Libya."
"You da man, North Korea."Copy !req
320. "Great job, Iraq."
Iraq, Lois! You know what?Copy !req
321. I'm gonna invite a few of these fellas
over for a party.Copy !req
322. See, Lois? I told you we had allies.
Slobodan, you made it!Copy !req
323. I didn't know what to bring.
So I made coleslaw.Copy !req
324. It's made out of people! Just kidding.
Is Muammar here yet?Copy !req
325. Yeah. He's over there with Saddam.Copy !req
326. And then Jerry guessed
that her name was "Mulva."Copy !req
327. That show is so funny. It really
reminds me of me and my friends.Copy !req
328. How we hang out before I kill them
for worshipping the wrong god.Copy !req
329. Yeah. And I love that Kramer guy.
He comes in the room like this.Copy !req
330. I can't do it, but you know.Copy !req
331. - Marco.
- Polo.Copy !req
332. Fish out of water!Copy !req
333. Yes, those are looking good. Yes.
Manuel? Manuel, do you want...Copy !req
334. Can you ask him if he wants cheese?Copy !req
335. Fidel, no running around the pool!Copy !req
336. I say, Ahmed.Copy !req
337. What is that thing you do when
you're about to assassinate an infidel?Copy !req
338. You mean this?Copy !req
339. Oh, God. Yes, I love that.Copy !req
340. Stewie!Copy !req
341. This is insanity!Copy !req
342. Whoa, where do you think you're going?Copy !req
343. America! I've had enough. You can keep
this filthy mess you call a country!Copy !req
344. Come on, kids.
This is treason!Copy !req
345. For God's sake, Peter,
make an example of her!Copy !req
346. Nothing says "Obey Me"
like a bloody head on a fence post.Copy !req
347. Let's go. We're crossing the border.
Good-bye, President Griffin.Copy !req
348. Brian, at least you're loyal enough
to stay with me.Copy !req
349. I've stuck by you through worse.Copy !req
350. I guess it's you and me
against the world, buddy.Copy !req
351. Attention, President Griffin.Copy !req
352. As you may presently yourself fully
be aware of, my grammar sucks.Copy !req
353. But more importantly...Copy !req
354. we're about to commence Operation:
Bomb the Crap Out of Your House.Copy !req
355. The guy who thinks up the names
is on vacation. Fire!Copy !req
356. To answer your question,
something like that.Copy !req
357. The guy who aims is in the john.
Here he is.Copy !req
358. The next one's coming right at you.Copy !req
359. Face it, Peter. It's over.Copy !req
360. Why don't you sit down with the mayor
and negotiate a treaty?Copy !req
361. Negotiate? Peter Griffin doesn't know
the meaning of the word "negotiate."Copy !req
362. Can I tie you to a stick
and use you as a white flag?Copy !req
363. Thank you all for coming.Copy !req
364. We invited Jesse Jackson
to open our negotiations with a prayer.Copy !req
365. Unfortunately, he couldn't make it.
So in his place, we have LaToya Jackson.Copy !req
366. Thanks. Rub-a-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub. Yay, God!Copy !req
367. How very inappropriate. Thank you.
Now, Mr. Griffin, would you like to begin?Copy !req
368. After much thought and consideration...Copy !req
369. I have decided
to make a concession or two.Copy !req
370. - Very good, Peter.
- First, I will return Joe's pool.Copy !req
371. You got that right!Copy !req
372. In exchange, I demand access to it
on alternate weekends.Copy !req
373. No!Copy !req
374. Accepted. I also demand to remain
my own independent nation.Copy !req
375. - Absolutely not.
- How about you just give me your pen?Copy !req
376. This cheap little pen
we have millions of back at the office?Copy !req
377. - Yeah.
- No.Copy !req
378. So after all this, I end up with nothing?Copy !req
379. How about this? Every night
when you get home from work...Copy !req
380. I'll scratch your back
with a matchbook cover, like you like.Copy !req
381. Lois. Would you call me
"Big Rudy" when you do it?Copy !req
382. No.Copy !req
383. And that's the story of Petoria.
A little nation that, 200 years ago...Copy !req
384. seceded and repatriated
in less than a week.Copy !req
385. Any questions?
Yeah. I don't get it.Copy !req
386. So can the family understand the baby?
Or what's the deal with that?Copy !req