1. "It seems today that all you seeCopy !req
2. "is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
3. "But where are those good,
old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
4. "on which we used to rely?Copy !req
5. "Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
6. "Lucky there's a man who'll
positively tell youCopy !req
7. "all the things that make usCopy !req
8. "laugh 'n' cryCopy !req
9. "He's a family guy"Copy !req
10. Wakey-wakey, worthless domestic!
Time to make me inedible gruel.Copy !req
11. Mommy wants to rest
for a few more minutes, honey.Copy !req
12. Blast!Copy !req
13. Lois, what are you doing
lying on the couch at this hour?Copy !req
14. - Have you been drinking?
- Peter, you know I never drink.Copy !req
15. Oh, yeah?
Just like you never dodged the draft?Copy !req
16. What are you talking about? I'm a woman.Copy !req
17. Sure you are. Now.Copy !req
18. Peter, I'm exhausted.
I've been in and out of taxis all day.Copy !req
19. Stewie had a doctor's appointment.
Then I had to pick Meg up after school.Copy !req
20. I had rehearsal for Death of a Salesman.Copy !req
21. We're not allowed to show death at school.Copy !req
22. So now at the end,
we dance around with sparklers.Copy !req
23. Peter, we really need a second car.Copy !req
24. Trying to do all these errands
in a taxi is exhausting.Copy !req
25. But you meet such colorful characters
in taxis, like Alex Rieger and Tony...Copy !req
26. and that foreign guy
who worked in the garage.Copy !req
27. Rieger, cab 402!Copy !req
28. Nardo, you and your luscious melons
are in 315.Copy !req
29. Get the hell out of here, you losers.Copy !req
30. Louie, what about the foreign guy?Copy !req
31. No way, Banta. He's a nut job.Copy !req
32. Come on, show a little compassion
for once in your life!Copy !req
33. All right! Can the waterworks.
Jackie Chan, cab 302!Copy !req
34. Thank you very much.Copy !req
35. Peter, please.Copy !req
36. I saw an ad for a used car
that would be perfect.Copy !req
37. No, Lois. A guy at work
bought a car out of the paper.Copy !req
38. Ten years later, bam! Herpes.Copy !req
39. I'm buying our car from a dealer,
and that's that.Copy !req
40. Look! Aren't you beautiful?Copy !req
41. Yeah, you like that, don't you?Copy !req
42. Yeah, you're a bad little car.
What's that?Copy !req
43. You want me inside you?Copy !req
44. Peter, look at this one.Copy !req
45. It's safe and reliable,
and we can afford it.Copy !req
46. I'll just see if I can find a salesman.Copy !req
47. I'm Doug. Nice to meet you.
Whoa, have you lost weight?Copy !req
48. No, it's still there.
I'm just parting it on the side.Copy !req
49. We were more interested
in that car over there.Copy !req
50. Lois, let me handle this.Copy !req
51. Peter, this car has dents in it,
and it's got a cardboard steering wheel.Copy !req
52. Just a second, honey.Copy !req
53. And look. There's no engine.
It just has a drawing of an engine.Copy !req
54. But it only had one previous owner.
James Bond!Copy !req
55. I'll take it!Copy !req
56. Okay, let's see what this baby can do.Copy !req
57. I'm sure the dealer will take care of it.Copy !req
58. This is crazy. There's no way
we'll be able to have maritals...Copy !req
59. with you lying all the way over there.Copy !req
60. I am very upset with you right now.Copy !req
61. Okay, so I tried on your bra.
The fellas were putting on a show.Copy !req
62. I didn't think I'd make a good Gigi
either, but, God help me, I was flattered.Copy !req
63. I'm upset because you never listen to me.
This is Atlantic City all over again.Copy !req
64. - You've got 20.
- Hit me.Copy !req
65. - Peter, don't.
- Hit me.Copy !req
66. - 21.
- Hit me.Copy !req
67. Peter.Copy !req
68. - Hit me.
- That's 30.Copy !req
69. Hit me.Copy !req
70. You're just mad about the car.Copy !req
71. Don't worry.
I'll think of a way to fix it.Copy !req
72. No. We'll think of a way to fix it!Copy !req
73. I'm tired of being left out
of all our decision-making.Copy !req
74. Okay, honey.Copy !req
75. By the way, I bought a chimp.Copy !req
76. Hey, Peter. Do you want a menu
or just the usual "everything"?Copy !req
77. Shut up, Cleveland!Copy !req
78. Want to talk about it, champ?Copy !req
79. Lois has had the car all week,
and it's just been hell getting around.Copy !req
80. I actually had to rent a Mustang.Copy !req
81. All because I can't afford
to get our new car fixed.Copy !req
82. Why don't you just get another new car?Copy !req
83. Why don't you try a breath mint, saucy?Copy !req
84. I'm just saying that me and my associates
will steal your car...Copy !req
85. and, ipso facto, your insurance company
will buy you another one.Copy !req
86. Peter, you don't want to get involved
with the Mob.Copy !req
87. Who are you?Copy !req
88. - I'm the proprietor of this delicatessen.
- Butt out, schlomo.Copy !req
89. All I need is your address.
You can jot it down on the back of my gun.Copy !req
90. You do have an honest face.Copy !req
91. Crap. I made a mistake.
Do you have another gun?Copy !req
92. Dharma, come down from there.Copy !req
93. Wow, I can't get over
what a free spirit you are.Copy !req
94. Lois, can you go down
to the basement and do something...Copy !req
95. really loud and complicated
for the next 15 minutes?Copy !req
96. That's a fine machine, Peter.Copy !req
97. - Peter, how can we afford this?
- Let's just say the car was a steal.Copy !req
98. - Say that again.
- The car was a steal.Copy !req
99. This time without winking.Copy !req
100. The car was a steal. Wink.Copy !req
101. - Peter.
- Look, Lois. We had a broken car.Copy !req
102. I did "something,"
and now we have a new car.Copy !req
103. Look, I said I'd handle it, and I did.Copy !req
104. I suppose you did.
I just wish my opinion mattered to you.Copy !req
105. The important thing is it matters to you,
and that's the greatest gift of all.Copy !req
106. Cleveland, come check out my on board
computer navigation system. Standard.Copy !req
107. Left turn ahead.Copy !req
108. Spanish.Copy !req
109. Yakov Smirnoff.Copy !req
110. In Soviet Russia, car drives you!Copy !req
111. That's fancy and all, but I think you're
bargaining for more than you can chew.Copy !req
112. You're in debt to the Mob.Copy !req
113. That means they can ask you
to do anything. Anything!Copy !req
114. Relax, Cleveland. There is no Mob.
You're thinking of the Mob in the movies.Copy !req
115. - How am I funny?
- I don't know. You say funny things.Copy !req
116. No, I mean, I'm what?
Am I George Carlin funny?Copy !req
117. Am I Spin City funny?
Rita Rudner funny? What? Come on.Copy !req
118. - Rita Rudner funny.
- Yeah. Rita Rudner funny.Copy !req
119. Really? Oh, my God! Thank you.Copy !req
120. Peter, please don't underestimate them.Copy !req
121. I guarantee you, I am never
gonna hear from those guys again.Copy !req
122. Peter.Copy !req
123. It is time to repay your favor to the don.Copy !req
124. Jeez.Copy !req
125. At least that's one problem solved.Copy !req
126. Come on, Peter.
The don is waiting to meet you.Copy !req
127. What's he like? Is he a friendly don?
Like that Don Deluise?Copy !req
128. I have asked you here tonight
so that you may perform a service.Copy !req
129. What are you gonna make me do?
Whack a guy? Off a guy?Copy !req
130. Whack-off a guy? 'Cause I'm married.Copy !req
131. Silence!Copy !req
132. Big Fat Paulie is in town this week
to attend the wedding of my daughter.Copy !req
133. And you want me
to shoot him twice in the head?Copy !req
134. That's sweet of you to ask,
but he's my nephew.Copy !req
135. He's also vile and disgusting.Copy !req
136. No one has ever been able to stand
his company for more than a minute.Copy !req
137. But you, Mr. Griffin,
you will take him to the movies.Copy !req
138. That's it? That's all I have to do?
Thank God.Copy !req
139. Wait a second. Which movie?Copy !req
140. If it's anything with Greg Kinnear,
you can whack me right now!Copy !req
141. Big Fat Paulie?Copy !req
142. My name's Marty,
and I'm very sensitive about my weight.Copy !req
143. Big Fat Paulie?Copy !req
144. How dare you?Copy !req
145. Are you Big Fat Paulie?Copy !req
146. I'm Louie Anderson!Copy !req
147. Are you, please, God, Big Fat Paulie?Copy !req
148. Yeah, I'm Big Fat Paulie.Copy !req
149. Guess I've got milk.Copy !req
150. Don't shoot me!Copy !req
151. Someone's sitting
in my most favorite seat.Copy !req
152. I just got a great idea!Copy !req
153. Girlfriend, you know what time it is?Copy !req
154. No. What time is it?Copy !req
155. It's time for you to get
your groove back again!Copy !req
156. Well...Copy !req
157. Bye.Copy !req
158. Where you going?Copy !req
159. Home. For dinner.Copy !req
160. Yeah? What are we having?Copy !req
161. I was only supposed to go
to a movie with you.Copy !req
162. What is that supposed to mean?Copy !req
163. I mean, like, no necking.Copy !req
164. So I can have dinner with you?Copy !req
165. Sure. That would be much better
than having a quiet dinner...Copy !req
166. with my family,
who I love and am not afraid of.Copy !req
167. Lois. This is Big Fat Paulie.
He's gonna be joining us for dinner.Copy !req
168. Really? What a nice surprise!
Peter, can I talk to you for a second?Copy !req
169. Peter, you can't just bring company home
at the last second without calling.Copy !req
170. I am getting sick and tired of you
doing everything without consulting me.Copy !req
171. And...Copy !req
172. Do you mind?Copy !req
173. As a matter of fact I do, you crazy broad.Copy !req
174. I am not a crazy broad!Copy !req
175. Oh, no, Lois.
He didn't mean you're crazy like...Copy !req
176. Elizabeth Taylor.Copy !req
177. He meant you're crazy like that glue.Copy !req
178. You stick to things. Like an adhesive.Copy !req
179. That's all he meant.Copy !req
180. You have a pretty good appetite there,
kid.Copy !req
181. I bet you spend a lot of time in the john.Copy !req
182. What finishing school
did you say you went to?Copy !req
183. Yes! Good heavens! Who taught you
how to eat? Mickey Rourke?Copy !req
184. Why do I know that name?
Damn you, Entertainment Tonight!Copy !req
185. Hi, I'm Bob Goen,
and these are Mary Hart's legs.Copy !req
186. Mary, you recently spent some time
with Julia Roberts, didn't you?Copy !req
187. Mary says, "Yes."Copy !req
188. Tell me, kid. What are you, like 27?Copy !req
189. I'm 13.Copy !req
190. Still a minor, huh? Hey, son,
how'd you like to be a coke mule?Copy !req
191. Peter, living room?Copy !req
192. No, Lois. Kitchen.Copy !req
193. Peter, I have a bad feeling
about this man.Copy !req
194. He's not the kind of person
I want hanging around our family.Copy !req
195. Honey, you're overreacting.Copy !req
196. Will you please just listen
to me for once? That man is bad news!Copy !req
197. I want him out of our house
and out of our lives!Copy !req
198. All right, I'll just give you something
to help you relax.Copy !req
199. - Now!
- Okay.Copy !req
200. Big Fat Paulie,
there's something I gotta tell you.Copy !req
201. Do you ever stare up at the night sky...Copy !req
202. and wonder if someone is
looking back at you?Copy !req
203. No. But just in case...Copy !req
204. look at this, you freaking aliens!Copy !req
205. Hi, Bonnie.
This is my friend Big Fat Paulie.Copy !req
206. This is his big fat ass.Copy !req
207. What's on your mind, Petey?Copy !req
208. Look. We can't be friends anymore.Copy !req
209. I'm sorry.Copy !req
210. Forget about it.Copy !req
211. Look, it's not you. It's Lois.Copy !req
212. She doesn't want me to be with you.Copy !req
213. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
214. - You're not just saying that?
- No. It's all Lois.Copy !req
215. If only I'd met you first,
but what are you gonna do?Copy !req
216. - So Lois is the problem, huh?
- Yeah. But it's not her fault.Copy !req
217. She doesn't want to see me
fall in with a tough crowd again.Copy !req
218. Cavity creeps!Copy !req
219. We make holes in teeth!Copy !req
220. So if she wasn't around,
we could still be friends, right?Copy !req
221. Yeah, sure. Why not?Copy !req
222. That's great! Come here, you!Copy !req
223. "Willie Loman
never made a lot of money.Copy !req
224. "His name was never in the paper.Copy !req
225. "But, you know, like,
attention could be paid."Copy !req
226. "People are worse off than Willie Loman."Copy !req
227. Come on, everybody.
I know it sucks, but they're just kids.Copy !req
228. Peter, how can you sleep?
I was almost killed!Copy !req
229. Come on, Lois. The only victim tonight
was the work of Arthur Miller.Copy !req
230. Hello? Big Fat Paulie!
No, Lois isn't dead yet.Copy !req
231. What do you mean,
you're gonna fire that hitman?Copy !req
232. What do you mean,
you thought she'd be dead...Copy !req
233. and we'd be able to catch a movie?Copy !req
234. - You thought I wanted you to whack Lois?
- Guilty!Copy !req
235. It's not too late to have the
hit called off, is it?Copy !req
236. Yeah.Copy !req
237. Gotcha!Copy !req
238. All I gotta do is make a call.Copy !req
239. Jeez! You okay?Copy !req
240. Oh, my God. Look at this.Copy !req
241. How could you bring a mobster
into your own home?Copy !req
242. Boy, if you're upset now,
wait till you hear the rest.Copy !req
243. I was talking to Big Fat Paulie
the other day...Copy !req
244. and one thing led to another and...Copy !req
245. I sort of put a hit out on you.Copy !req
246. How could you put a hit on me?Copy !req
247. That's not even the worst part.
Wait. Yeah, it is.Copy !req
248. Peter!Copy !req
249. Look, don't worry.
I got it all worked out.Copy !req
250. We'll move to England.
The worst they got there is...Copy !req
251. drive-by arguments.Copy !req
252. I say, Jeremy,
isn't that Reginald B. Stiffworth...Copy !req
253. the young chap
who's been touting the merits...Copy !req
254. of the European Commonwealth?Copy !req
255. - Yes. I dare say, that's the fellow.
- Let's get him.Copy !req
256. Reginald, I disagree!Copy !req
257. I would like a "bunny."Copy !req
258. What kind of "bunny"?
A semi-automatic "bunny"...Copy !req
259. or a hand-held "bunny"?Copy !req
260. Whichever "bunny" you think
is better for shooting a guy in the head.Copy !req
261. There you are.
I've been looking all over.Copy !req
262. Look, I gotta call off the hit on my wife.
Where's the don?Copy !req
263. The don?
I don't know what you're talking about.Copy !req
264. Come on.
The don, the captain of the mafia.Copy !req
265. Peter, there is no such
thing as the mafia.Copy !req
266. "The don's daughter is getting married
tomorrow. Here's my invitation.Copy !req
267. "Now get the asterisk-percent-ampersand
out of here, you SOB."Copy !req
268. What's a SOB?Copy !req
269. Dharma, come down from that couch.Copy !req
270. Uh-uh, goofy. Why don't you come up?Copy !req
271. You know what? I think I will!Copy !req
272. Boy, what a mismatched pair.
A free spirit and a puppet.Copy !req
273. Peter, thank God.
Did you take care of that thing?Copy !req
274. That thing? You mean that growth?Copy !req
275. Yeah. I had the doctor look at that.Copy !req
276. Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth.
That's your penis.Copy !req
277. - What about the—
- Testicles.Copy !req
278. Peter, I'm talking about the mob hit!Copy !req
279. - Mom's gonna get whacked?
- What did you do?Copy !req
280. Oh, dear,
there are so many people to thank.Copy !req
281. God, of course, and who else?
This is so unexpected.Copy !req
282. Oh, yes. Satan.Copy !req
283. I'm sorry, Lois. The hit's still on.
All I got was this wedding invitation.Copy !req
284. Wait a second.Copy !req
285. The don's daughter's wedding.
That's perfect.Copy !req
286. It's not that perfect.
We'll probably have to buy a gift.Copy !req
287. And I am bad
when it comes to buying gifts.Copy !req
288. Happy freaking birthday, Lois!Copy !req
289. My goodness, it's...Copy !req
290. another sword. Thank you, Peter.Copy !req
291. Go ahead. Try it on.Copy !req
292. Didn't you see The Godfather?Copy !req
293. A don can't refuse a favor
on the day of his daughter's wedding.Copy !req
294. So?Copy !req
295. So we can ask him for a favor.Copy !req
296. So?Copy !req
297. So we ask him to call off the hit.Copy !req
298. - So?
- So...Copy !req
299. Peter, I don't know how to explain it
any clearer than that.Copy !req
300. You can go
and ask them not to kill Mom.Copy !req
301. No way. It's too dangerous.Copy !req
302. I got you into this,
and I'll get you out of it.Copy !req
303. No, Peter.Copy !req
304. When we got married, we agreed
to share our lives, good times and bad.Copy !req
305. - So?
- So we'll solve this problem.Copy !req
306. - Wait? You mean together?
- Yes.Copy !req
307. Because together we can do anything...Copy !req
308. face any foe, overcome any obstacle.Copy !req
309. Yeah, climb any mountain,
rent any video, dial any phone.Copy !req
310. And not just our phone, Lois.
Other people's phones. Decent phones!Copy !req
311. God-fearing phones!
Phones that everybody else gave up on...Copy !req
312. but we knew better,
because we were a team!Copy !req
313. What the hell are you talking about?Copy !req
314. Turn right at fork in road.Copy !req
315. In Soviet Russia, road forks you!Copy !req
316. Boy, is that getting old.Copy !req
317. I don't know about this.
What if something happens to you?Copy !req
318. I'm too old to start dating again.Copy !req
319. Okay. Bachelor Number One.Copy !req
320. I'm an ice cream cone.
How are you gonna eat me?Copy !req
321. I'd invite my friend Rudy over...Copy !req
322. and the two of us
would give you a "double dip."Copy !req
323. Okay, Bachelor Number Two.Copy !req
324. I'd lick off all the cream and give you
my special whipped topping.Copy !req
325. Sounds good.
Bachelor Number Three?Copy !req
326. I would try to eat you really fast
before I got flaccid.Copy !req
327. I'll be fine.
All we have to do is blend in.Copy !req
328. No problem.Copy !req
329. "Like a rhinestone cowboyCopy !req
330. "Riding on
a star-spangled horse and rodeo"Copy !req
331. For my next number...Copy !req
332. Thank you very much, Pawtucket!Copy !req
333. - David Schwimmer?
- Yeah, hey.Copy !req
334. - What are you gonna ask the don for?
- World peace.Copy !req
335. Number 34!Copy !req
336. Right here!Copy !req
337. Peter, my good friend.Copy !req
338. How good of you to come
and show your respect...Copy !req
339. on this,
the day of my daughter's wedding.Copy !req
340. Yeah, sorry I didn't bring a gift.
But the stores were mobbed.Copy !req
341. I mean "mobbed" as in "crowded."Copy !req
342. Not "mobbed" as in you guys.Copy !req
343. - Who is this enchanting woman?
- This is my wife, Lois.Copy !req
344. - Your Honor, sir, we've come to ask—
- Let me handle this.Copy !req
345. Peter, I thought we were a team.Copy !req
346. Listen, your don-ness.
I got a little favor to ask you.Copy !req
347. Go ahead. As you know...Copy !req
348. I am obligated to grant one favor...Copy !req
349. on this,
the day of my daughter's wedding.Copy !req
350. While you ask me
for this one and only favor...Copy !req
351. I will sit here and enjoy
this very fine tiramisu.Copy !req
352. - Can I have a piece?
- Granted. Next.Copy !req
353. Crap.Copy !req
354. I'm sorry I used up our favor, Lois.
You know what? Here. It's yours.Copy !req
355. No, really. I insist.Copy !req
356. Peter, I'm gonna be killed!
Does that mean nothing to you?Copy !req
357. Of course it does.
It means everything to me.Copy !req
358. Oh, God! What have I done?Copy !req
359. I'm not marrying you!Copy !req
360. I'm not marrying you,
you spoiled guinea... Whoops.Copy !req
361. My daughter, what is the problem
you are having on this...Copy !req
362. the day of my daughter's wedding?Copy !req
363. Larry wants to whack someone
on our honeymoon!Copy !req
364. It's my job, all right?
This is what I do.Copy !req
365. You two should stop fighting
and listen to each other.Copy !req
366. Marriage is a partnership.Copy !req
367. If you really love someone,
you've gotta work together as a team.Copy !req
368. Like, I learned that the hard way.Copy !req
369. I didn't listen to what my
wife had to say,Copy !req
370. and now she's as good as dead.Copy !req
371. Peter.Copy !req
372. That's awful. Is this your wife?Copy !req
373. Yeah. That's Lois.Copy !req
374. I guess we could postpone our trip.Copy !req
375. We won't have to. I don't believe this!
She's the one I'm supposed to whack.Copy !req
376. Peter!Copy !req
377. Please, don,
you've got to do me one more favor.Copy !req
378. I love my wife more than anything
in the world.Copy !req
379. Can you please shoot me instead of her?Copy !req
380. Such tenderness and love on this,
the day of my daughter's wedding.Copy !req
381. Why don't I just call off the hit?Copy !req
382. Yeah. That could work. Wait!
We're a team.Copy !req
383. Is that okay with you?
Because your opinion matters.Copy !req
384. Yes! Let's get the hell out of here!Copy !req
385. Thank you for a lovely time.Copy !req
386. Yeah, it's the blue sedan.Copy !req
387. - No tips, sir.
- Nice kid.Copy !req
388. I think I handled that pretty good,
but I would like a second opinion.Copy !req
389. Here it is.Copy !req
390. Oh, my God! Our car!Copy !req
391. Oh, man. Am I glad I caught you.
I almost forgot. Don't start your car.Copy !req
392. Thanks for coming.Copy !req
393. What a horrible night.Copy !req
394. It's not so bad, Lois.
I learned my lesson.Copy !req
395. And best of all,
nobody important got hurt.Copy !req