Family Guy 2x15

Directed by Bert Ring

Camryn Manheim as Airline Passenger / Communist Mother (voice) • Mike Barker as (voice) • Mo Collins as Daycare Teacher / Stewardess (voice) • Haley Joel Osment as Leonard / Daycare Kid (voice) • Tara Strong as Janet (voice)

Lois enrolls Stewie at a day care center.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. "It seems today that all you see

2. "is violence in movies and sex on TV

3. "But where are those good, old-fashioned values

4. "on which we used to rely?

5. "Lucky there's a family guy

6. "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

7. "all the things that make us

8. "laugh 'n' cry

9. "He's a family guy"

10. Billiam, are you there?

11. Stewie! What the devil are you doing here?

12. Billiam sent me. He wanted me to tell you I killed him.

13. Give me the other half of the amulet!

14. I don't think you'll be making it to Marrakesh.

15. Don't, please!

16. No! Jeffrey, take the 9:00 p.m. to Houndslow out of your mouth!

17. Oh, look at that. Our little boys are becoming fast friends.

18. I say, Jeffrey, be a sport, will you?

19. And go get the sifter so we can build our sand village.

20. That's right, a little further.

21. Everyone, meet Jeffrey...

22. the newest member of the Club of Forgotten Children.

23. "Steve walks warily down the street with his brim pulled way down low"

24. - What the hell are you doing? - Taking down the Christmas decorations.

25. Peter, I'm a little concerned about Stewie.

26. He doesn't seem to be playing well with other children.

27. He's fine. I was quite a troublemaker myself, when I was a kid.

28. Look, your parents will be home any minute.

29. Are you sure you don't want me to clean up this mess?

30. No. Go. It'll be funny.

31. Stewie needs to learn how to socialize with other children.

32. Maybe we should put him in daycare.

33. Lois, his answers are out on the open road.

34. I say we give him a hobo pack on the end of a stick...

35. a can of beans, and a pocket full of dreams.

36. Peter, do you even know which one of our children I'm talking about?

37. Gordon?

38. I got him! It's just like hunting.

39. Chris, stop it! What will the neighbors think?

40. Abner! Abner!

41. The Griffin boy just killed a plastic reindeer!

42. Gladys, it took me two hours to work up the courage to rent this porno.

43. Now are you gonna watch it with me or not?

44. Okay, honey. Mommy's leaving you here for a little while.

45. Try to play nice with the other children.

46. What do you mean you're leaving me here? What is this place?

47. Let go.

48. Why, you soulless witch!

49. This is a biogenetic experimentation facility, isn't it? Admit it!

50. Oh, sweetheart, don't be upset. You're gonna have fun here.

51. If this is about the whole "me killing you" thing, it was a bit.

52. I was doing shtick, I tell you!

53. Humina-humina-humina!

54. I'm so bored. Without Stewie around, I have nothing to do.

55. Well, we could get hammered.

56. It's too early for me, but you go ahead.

57. What happened to me?

58. You know, before I was married, I led a very exciting life.

59. Oh, my God!

60. The actress who was the girl in Escape from Witch Mountain!

61. Well, maybe a part-time job would liven up your days.

62. Brian! That's a terrific idea!

63. A job? Lois, the '70s are over. Forget it.

64. Mom, you can't get a job.

65. The last time you left Dad home alone, he turned the house into a giant puppet.

66. Hey! Stay out of here!

67. Nobody better come in here. I'm the Griffins' house.

68. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.

69. If you get a job, who's gonna feed me...

70. and protect me from the evil monkey in my closet?

71. Now, Chris, you know there's no such thing.

72. No!

73. Now you've gone and upset the boy.

74. Peter, this is a new chapter in my life.

75. The kids are growing, the nest is empty, and I need some excitement.

76. What are you talking about?

77. Your life is plenty exciting. For example...

78. There you go. Good night.

79. Duck, duck, duck...

80. I say, does anyone know how The Practice ended last night?

81. I dozed off during the verdict.

82. Goose!

83. Oh, dear. It seems you're still It.

84. Stewie, what have you done? That's not the way we play.

85. You sit here, Brad. Stewie's It.

86. Aren't you the one in charge?

87. Let's see now. Duck, duck, duck...

88. goose!

89. Come on, now! I barely touched you! Really, stop it! Stop your boo-hooing!

90. Stop it, I say! Stop it!

91. You see, this is exactly why people don't respect the WNBA.

92. Hey, guys, get this. So Lois wants a part-time job, right?

93. So I'm like, "I got a job for you, baby, right here."

94. This zipper's been broken for over a month. I gotta use a damn safety pin.

95. Hey, if Lois is looking for a thrill, I could get her a job with the airline.

96. Stewardesses travel to all kinds of exotic places...

97. and their husbands fly anywhere for free!

98. Fly for free?

99. Sorry, Tink, looks like I don't need you anymore.

100. So you're gonna dump me, just like that?

101. You knew what this was.

102. A flight attendant? Wow. That does sound exciting.

103. - What made you change your mind? - Just my desire to see you happy.

104. And to exploit your hard labor for free travel and fun.

105. What?

106. I didn't say anything. Go to sleep, crazy lady.

107. Oh, Rupert, I can't sleep.

108. I don't suppose you have any Valium on you?

109. Of course not. You're living the clean life now.

110. It's that pathetic little insect in daycare, Janet.

111. Whining, insignificant wisp of fluff, she is.

112. Still, I find it rather odd that she's even on my mind at all.

113. What has come over me? Well, well, well.

114. Looks like someone's in love.

115. Ha! That's so funny I forgot to laugh, excluding that first "ha."

116. Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes.

117. - Her eyes are green! - Thank you for proving my point.

118. Damn!

119. Look at her.

120. Sitting there with her curly ebony locks and those pouty, come-hither lips.

121. My God, she's unappealing! Go!

122. Who said that? Who's got the big diapers?

123. She's gone. Good. Well, I'm off.

124. Hi, Stewie.

125. Leonard, you pudgy-faced Apple John! I will not be made a fool of!

126. Here's your pillow, sir, and your Sports Illustrated.

127. Miss, he keeps putting his arm on my armrest!

128. - It's my armrest! - It is not, stupid head!

129. He keeps trying to take my apple juice!

130. I'll bring you your own juice.

131. Hey, he keeps licking his finger and touching me!

132. Hey, fellas, I hope you're hungry.

133. Oh, my God! What am I gonna... Somebody help!

134. That was great! Look at her! She's still shaking.

135. Bastards.

136. That was beautiful. Hey, throw me a beer, would you?

137. Stewardess, the plane just made my beer spill. I want a free one.

138. Sir, all your beers have been free. All nine of them.

139. And don't you forget it, Frenchie.

140. Now bring me another one and get out of my way. The movie is starting.

141. Morgan Freeman in Deep Impact! Oh, come on!

142. Hey, show me Morgan Fairchild in Deep something.

143. You don't care. Hey, Frenchie, is my fort ready?

144. Yes, Mr. Griffin, even though no one else has any pillows now.

145. All right!

146. I tell you, Leonard, women are wicked creatures!

147. Their treachery has precipitated the downfall of history's most powerful men!

148. Let it be known I want nothing to do with the wretched enterprise of love!

149. Janet's coming.

150. Yes, yes.

151. Hi.

152. Cookie?

153. No, actually it's Stewie, but you can call me Cookie if you like.

154. Yes, I've also been known to answer to Artimus, Agent Buchwald, and Snake.

155. Yes, I rather like Snake.

156. Snake Griffin.

157. Cookie.

158. Oh, you want my cookie. Oh, yes. By all means. There you are.

159. Oops! A little bit broke off there.

160. Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

161. Yes, you'll get that one halfway back to your mat.

162. Oh, Cupid, hast thou pierced me with thine sweet, searing arrow?

163. Stomach, cease thy lustful quake.

164. Unhand me, woman! I don't have gas! I'm in love!

165. Well then, I guess it's both.

166. Peter, I'm home!

167. - How was your day? - My day?

168. You okay there, Mr. Crocodile?

169. Wake up, wake up, wake up.

170. You need some lotion, Mr. Bad Skin?

171. There you go.

172. Oh, God!

173. My day was okay. You know, the usual.

174. How about yours, my little sky princess? I bet it was exciting.

175. Oh, yeah.

176. If you like running through a gauntlet of drunk, horny businessmen.

177. My ass feels like a pincushion. I'm thinking of quitting.

178. What? Lois, you can't quit. What if Kurt Cobain had quit?

179. Thank you! And remember, say no to drugs!

180. Great concert, Kurt. The label's excited about your seventh album.

181. Thanks. You remember my wife, Courtney Love?

182. Who?

183. Well, I guess I'll give it a little more time.

184. It's like I always tell the kids, "A quitter

185. never wins," and, "Don't trust Whitey."

186. That's the spirit!

187. All right, here I go.

188. - Stewie. - Hello, Janet. How about a push?

189. Yes, I suppose that was rather funny, wasn't it?

190. You know, it's odd, Janet. But when I'm with you, I'm...

191. How do I describe it?

192. "You make me feel so young

193. "You make me feel like spring has sprung

194. "And every time I see you grin

195. "I'm such a happy individual

196. "The moment that you speak

197. "I want to go and play hide-and-seek

198. "I want to go and bounce the moon

199. "Just like a big toy balloon

200. "Darling, you and I

201. "are just like a couple of tots

202. "running across the meadow

203. "picking up lots of forget-me-nots

204. "You make me feel so young

205. "You make me feel there are songs to be sung

206. "Bells to be rung, And a wonderful fling to be flung

207. "And even when I'm old and gray

208. "I'm going to feel the way I do today

209. "because you make me feel so young"

210. - Excuse me? - I said, "May I have a blanket?"

211. Oh, yes. Of course.

212. Ha! I really said "Will you be my wife?" and you said yes...

213. so it's official. Let me touch your face!

214. Lois, we could use your help in Coach.

215. Okay, everyone, it's time for my one-man show...

216. Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye.

217. Okay, Act 1. "I'm Winston Churchill.

218. "Would you like some tea? I would, because I'm Winston Churchill.

219. "Would you like a crumpet? I would, because I'm Winston Churchill.

220. "Would you like to wear knickers? I would, because I'm—"

221. My wife is very ill!

222. Yes, do you mind? I paid $380 for this flight.

223. $380? Jeez, I hope they kissed you first.

224. This is my fourth trip today. Just this morning, I went to Kentucky.

225. Wait a second.

226. You're telling me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get...

227. some of your fried chicken, and the Colonel isn't even working today?

228. He ain't real. He dead.

229. - What? - I say he dead.

230. Is Mr. Sanders in?

231. What wrong with you? I say you he dead!

232. The Colonel!

233. My wife is a stewardess, so I can fly anywhere I want and I don't pay jack!

234. - Peter! - Lois!

235. You convinced me to keep a job I hate just so you could fly free?

236. If I talked real loud like that, I could make you look like the bad guy, too.

237. My feet are killing me, I've got vomit in my pocket...

238. and I've seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie 47 times!

239. Have you seen the lips on that woman? It's like a baboon's ass on her face!

240. Peter, I took this job for the excitement, and you're the one who's having it all!

241. It's excitement you want, eh?

242. How would you like to join the Mile-High Club? Come on.

243. You'll be the stewardess and I'll be the mysterious stranger who's drilling you.

244. Move! I have a lot of work to do.

245. - I can't. I'm stuck. - Peter, the passengers need me.

246. They're watching the movie. They're fine.

247. Okay, everyone! This is a hijacking!

248. Peter, could you move your arm? Just slide over. Please.

249. Lois.

250. It's like moving a futon. Lois!

251. Just slide your leg over! Peter, please!

252. Well, Lois, at least one of us is in the Mile-High Club.

253. Well, the hijacking of Flight 52 is over.

254. The plane has safely landed in Cuba, and all Americans aboard are...

255. on their way home with the exception of one couple:

256. A fat man who is inexplicably married to an attractive redhead.

257. Here's an artist rendering of what they might look like.

258. I just called Brian.

259. He's gonna watch the kids till we get back. When will our passports arrive?

260. - Check back in two weeks. - Two weeks? But I have a baby at home!

261. We would have sent you back with the other passengers...

262. but we didn't know you were stuck in the bathroom.

263. - We weren't doing what you're thinking. - I was.

264. - We apologize for the hijacking. - That's okay.

265. You people are nothing like the Communists they show on TV.

266. We now return to The Communists.

267. I hear report cards were handed out today. What were your grades?

268. Quit Stalin and answer your father.

269. Go ahead, honey, and tell us your Marx.

270. Do I Khrushchev?

271. Did somebody say "Khrushchev"?

272. Janet, do you like this couch?

273. You truly are beautiful. You know that?

274. - Janet, our future is so bright. - Cookie?

275. Oh, yes. There'll be lots of cookies and there'll be dancing...

276. Christmas mornings, and arguments over the proper way...

277. to discipline the children, and...

278. What are you doing? Who the hell is this? Is there something you need to tell me?

279. Because if I'm the only one in this thing, I think I deserve to know.

280. I see. Your silence says it all.

281. Well, this is just great. How the hell are we supposed to get home?

282. All we gotta do is get fake passports on the black market.

283. Where are you going?

284. You're never gonna find the black market!

285. You said that about that back-alley abortionist.

286. I'm glad you changed your mind. The point is, I found the guy.

287. Okay, there she is.

288. That is absolutely classic! Melinda, you're an utter delight.

289. Oh, hello, Janet. Yes, you know Melinda.

290. Yes, it seems she's... What did we figure out, dear?

291. Was it one? No, two. Yes, she's two weeks younger than you.

292. Just look at that butt! That is a tight butt!

293. Damn! Not even a second glance!

294. This is what you call "dolled up"?

295. Listen, why don't you save yourself years of sexual ambiguity...

296. and get fitted for a pair of Doc Martens and a plaid flannel shirt?

297. There it is! The black market!

298. Lois, if we don't make it out of here alive, I should tell you...

299. I promised my first girlfriend we'd meet up in Heaven. I was lying.

300. Just so you know, it's something we might have to deal with.

301. Okay. Two American passports.

302. Would you like to join the Black Market Club?

303. Ten percent off your first purchase.

304. No, thank you. We're not from the area. Peter, just pay the man.

305. Do you accept bits of string?

306. Sorry. Store policy.

307. But you know, there is another way for you to travel.

308. It's over, Leonard.

309. I suppose I should be grateful to that saucy harlot.

310. She taught me a valuable lesson.

311. There's really no such thing as love. It's just a puffed-up word used...

312. by Madison Avenue to sell their skin creams and two-seater cars.

313. Oh, it's no use! She swims in my blood now.

314. I must have her!

315. Darling, why are we tormenting ourselves like this?

316. We're perfect for each other.

317. I admit we've got our problems, like any couple...

318. but true love conquers all!

319. I like you.

320. You like me?

321. Well, it's not love, but it's a start!

322. Oh, Janet, you've made me the happiest man in the whole world!

323. - Cookie? - Of course you can have a cookie.

324. Stay right there.

325. "Cookie."

326. Cookie.

327. Cookie.

328. Cookie.

329. You don't care about me! It's my cookies!

330. It's always been the damn cookies! Well, sugar, the bakery just closed!

331. You'll have to get your fill somewhere else, you oatmeal-raisin-loving tart!

332. Don't let her see you cry, old man. Don't let her see you cry!

333. Well, we're finally going home.

334. I'm sorry I tricked you into that job, honey.

335. - You deserve to have a more exciting life. - Oh, Peter.

336. Being married to you gives me all the excitement I can handle.

337. I mean, look at us. On a boat in the middle of the Atlantic...

338. under the moonlight, surrounded by refugees.

339. Yeah. About that.

340. You know, Miguel over there has had his eye on you...

341. and his wife, Rosa, is very open.

342. - What? - No, nothing. This is nice.