Family Guy 2x14

Directed by Glen Hill

Fairuza Balk as Connie D'Amico (voice) • Patrick Bristow as (voice) • Gregg Allman as Self (voice) • Joey Slotnick as (voice) • Lori Alan as Diane Simmons (voice) • Gregg Allman as Gregg Allman (voice) • Lori Alan as Diane Simmons / Girl (voice)

Peter infiltrates Quahog High School as a new student.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. "It seems today that all you see

2. "is violence in movies and sex on TV

3. "But where are those good, old-fashioned values

4. "on which we used to rely?

5. "Lucky there's a family guy

6. "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

7. "all the things that make us

8. "laugh 'n' cry

9. "He's a family guy"

10. Dude, the Bronze Age was so much cooler than the Iron Age.

11. Dude, the Iron Age could kick the Bronze Age's butt any day.

12. - Could not. - Could, too.

13. Could not!

14. Gross, man.

15. You okay?

16. Whoa! Everything's so significant!

17. Dude, you gotta try this!

18. Not even! It's got your germs on it.

19. Not this end.

20. I can see the air! And you know what else?

21. I finally get Aaron Sorkin's Sports Night.

22. It's a comedy that's too good to be funny.

23. Dude, you're trippin'.

24. "Double the freshness

25. "Life is more fun

26. "When you're chewing the great taste of DoubleFresh Gum

27. "with DoubleFresh Gum"

28. Hey, we should go to the circus.

29. In local news, a new drug craze may have Quahog students licked.

30. It's called "Toad."

31. The Colombian Spotted Toad, to be precise, Diane.

32. When licked, these toads trigger an intense psychedelic euphoria...

33. that's just great!

34. This is awful. Now the drugs are in the schools?

35. For you parents, toad licking is also known as "lily padding"...

36. "Frenching the prince," and "doing Kermit."

37. At least our kids know better.

38. What the...

39. Hello, little sea monkeys.

40. He's back.

41. Don't look at him, honey. Eat your potatoes.

42. Steve, do something.

43. We've been over this. Let's just pick up our plates...

44. and go eat in the hollow castle.

45. - Young man, where did you get this toad? - It's not mine!

46. Believe me. You don't want to mess with drugs.

47. I tried them once. Big mistake. Things got way too real.

48. Holy crap! I am freaking out!

49. Peter, may I?

50. You're walking down a hallway.

51. You take a left, you keep walking, you take a right, then a left, brick wall!

52. Yeah, he's tweaked.

53. Am not! Hey, maybe it's Meg's toad.

54. Don't you try to palm this off on your sister. She's a good girl.

55. What about the time she strangled our other sister?

56. Now, Chris, we told you, that was just a very bad dream.

57. But I remember it so—

58. It was a dream!

59. Can you sign this for my field trip?

60. Sure, sweetheart.

61. Meg, you have a wart!

62. Meg, how could you bring a toad into this house?

63. It's not mine. I was just holding it for a friend.

64. See, it was lunchtime...

65. Okay, Connie. You're up.

66. Connie Demico does toad?

67. I guess Miss Wears-A-Hat is gonna narc on us, aren't you?

68. - Mr. Berler's coming! - Man! We are so busted.

69. Put it in here. He won't check me.

70. All right. What's going on back here? Hello, Megan. Wait a minute.

71. You're not part of the popular clique. You run along and play alone somewhere.

72. Shame on you all, getting her hopes up like that.

73. I thought if I held Connie Demico's toad...

74. she'd make a cool guy ask me to the Winter Snow Ball.

75. You're holding drugs so someone will invite you to a dance?

76. Meg, haven't we taught you better than that?

77. Now, hold on. People do a lot of crazy things just to be accepted.

78. I don't know about this.

79. We all did it.

80. If you want to be a Supreme Court Justice, pick up that cherry with your butt...

81. and drop it in that beer.

82. - Come on! - Go, Souter!

83. Oh, my God! I can't believe he did that!

84. Go Souter!

85. I can't believe he did that!

86. I can't believe he did that! This guy is so in!

87. Sweetheart, I'm sure all the boys want to ask you to the dance.

88. They're probably just shy or scared.

89. Yeah. I was terrified of asking Phoebe Diamond to the prom.

90. I finally got up the guts, but I had this damn nervous twitch.

91. - Phoebe? - Yeah?

92. I was wondering if you'd...

93. do me the honor of...

94. I had such a crush on her.

95. Until I met you, Lois.

96. You're my silver medal.

97. Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take...

98. to get to the center of a Rhode Island State Prison?

99. Just one!

100. How could this happen? I thought we lived in a nice small town.

101. There's no such thing anymore.

102. Things are different than when we were kids.

103. It just makes me sad.

104. It makes me sad, too. But you know.

105. I mean, if Meg's at risk, then so is Chris.

106. And Stewie'll be in preschool before we know it.

107. Well, we just have to trust our kids to stay off drugs, is all.

108. I do trust our kids. It's the other kids I don't trust.

109. Yeah. I guess it's up to us, as parents...

110. to be a part of the solution. I'll talk to the principal tomorrow.

111. Thanks, honey.

112. The safety word is "banana."

113. I love you.

114. And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd. So, you with me?

115. But you didn't tell me anything. You just sat down and said:

116. "And that's my plan."

117. Oh, right. Okay, here's my idea.

118. And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd.

119. Well, Mr. Griffin, I don't like it!

120. I love it! You have the faculty's full support.

121. But how will you pull it off?

122. You let me worry about that, kitten.

123. Great.

124. Hey, Meg.

125. What's got four arms, four legs and one set of lips?

126. You and me at the Winter Snow Ball.

127. Look, Neil, I don't...

128. Oh, my God!

129. Dad?

130. The reason I'm not responding is because I'm not this "Dad" person.

131. I'm the new kid in town. Lando Griffin.

132. Are you crazy? What are you doing here?

133. If you must know, I've gone undercover to get rid of the toad problem.

134. So your school can be safe and innocent like the good ol' days.

135. Negative B, plus or minus radical B squared, minus 4AC over 2A.

136. That's correct. A girl answered a math problem.

137. You know what that means.

138. A witch!

139. - Witch! - Witch!

140. Oh, God! Please tell me I have a brain tumor...

141. and this is all just a side effect from the chemo.

142. What are you doing in my locker?

143. Your locker?

144. Say, Phil. What do you say to happy hour after work?

145. I'd say looks like Cheryl will have another black eye...

146. to explain to the neighbors.

147. - Come on. I'm buying. - Oh, yeah!

148. Hey, man. Cool specs.

149. Thanks, G. I'm the new kid in town. Lando Griffin.

150. No relation. So tell me, home boy...

151. how about the baggy clothes we're wearing these days?

152. Aren't they phat and stupid and poppin' fresh?

153. Hey, does anybody have any drugs? I'm looking to score some drugs.

154. Dad, get away from me. Connie Demico is looking.

155. So that's Toad Girl?

156. Yeah.

157. And that's Connie.

158. I see. I'm gonna have a little talk with that Connie.

159. Good luck. She only talks to the cool kids.

160. - Oh, yeah? Watch this. - No!

161. Hey!

162. Oh, God!

163. Cool! He's bleeding!

164. Just like in the movies!

165. Holy crap! It's The Breakfast Club.

166. You know what I got for Christmas?

167. It was a banner freakin' year at the Tiger house.

168. A carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me.

169. "Hey, smoke up, Tony. They're great!"

170. Bastard.

171. Hey, Lando.

172. Everyone's talking about how you trashed the jukebox. Classic cool.

173. We're gonna do some toad. You in?

174. - You're gonna do toad? - What's the big deal?

175. Let me tell you about it, stud.

176. "You'll get chills all through your body

177. "And you'll lose all control

178. "of your bladder and your sphincter

179. "That's your butt-hole!

180. "'Cause if you use toad

181. "then I'm telling you

182. "you can kiss your life good-bye

183. "Yeah, when you use toad

184. "it'll mess you up

185. "It'll make your mama cry, that's no lie

186. "You'll choke on your tongue and die

187. "Gotta give it up

188. "Give up the toad now

189. "It's no joke, buddy

190. "Give it up "Gotta give up the toad now

191. "Or you'll croak, buddy

192. "Give it up "Gotta give up the toad now

193. "And don't smoke or you'll see

194. "it hurts to pee

195. "There'll be blood gushing from you

196. "every time that you cough

197. "And forget getting lucky

198. "It falls off

199. "You better wise up

200. "because I'm telling you

201. "toad is what Lando forbids

202. "Gotta give it all up

203. "or you're gonna see

204. "your whole life will hit the skids

205. "and your kids will be born without eyelids

206. "Gotta give it up "Give up the toad now

207. "Thanks to you, Lando

208. - "Give it up - "Give up the toad now

209. "Thanks to you, Lando

210. "Give it up "Gotta give up the toad now

211. "I'm no fool

212. "Lando's cool"

213. Yeah!

214. You're the coolest, Lando!

215. Yeah. We never spontaneously broke into song and dance before.

216. I'll never touch another toad again. None of us will.

217. Yeah.

218. I know I won't.

219. You never did it in the first place! God, you're such a wannabe loser.

220. Oh, yeah? If I'm such a loser...

221. how come I'm going to the Winter Snow Ball with Lando?

222. Meg, you got a date? Wait till I tell your mother...

223. who I'm looking forward to meeting...

224. and I hope is making steakums tonight.

225. Hey, Meg, wanna ditch and go to the mall?

226. Sure. See you, Lando.

227. This is great. Not only did I live long enough...

228. to see Meg go to her first dance, but I'm taking her, too.

229. Thanks, Geritol.

230. And they swore they'd never do toad again.

231. Dad never came to sing at my school. I don't want dessert!

232. I tell you, Lois, high school's a lot more fun this time around.

233. It's a lot safer now that all the kids have guns.

234. And today in study hall, I farted real loud on purpose...

235. to make the guys laugh.

236. And I swear, it was so heinous, Susie Johnson ralphed up her steak.

237. I'm sorry!

238. Is this really proper dinner conversation?

239. I'm glad you taught those kids they don't have to do drugs to be popular.

240. He sure did. Who needs drugs...

241. when you're going to the dance with the coolest guy?

242. Going with Dad is gonna skyrocket me up the popularity food chain!

243. It's true. Soon, members of the Math Club...

244. will attach themselves to your belly for transportation.

245. Wait a minute. You can't take Meg to a school dance.

246. How long do you think you can keep up this charade, anyway?

247. Just till Friday. Please, Mom?

248. Well, if this is what you want.

249. It's probably Connie calling for me.

250. Hello?

251. Oh, yeah. Hold on.

252. It's for Lando.

253. Aloha. No way!

254. Hold on. I'm gonna take this in the other room.

255. I got it!

256. Hang up!

257. You know, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding.

258. But without Nilla Wafers...

259. it's just another one of your wretched, culinary abortions!

260. Now clean it up!

261. I don't think so.

262. Neil, I'm a little out of your league. Besides, I'm going with Lando.

263. Really? Because my underground sources...

264. inform me that Lando is taking Connie Demico.

265. What?

266. Hey, I thought you were taking me to the dance!

267. Something suddenly came up.

268. How could you do this to Meg?

269. Not now. I gotta write a book report on Oliver Twist.

270. "Oliver Twit" if you ask me.

271. I would have done things rather differently.

272. Please, sir. I want some more.

273. What?

274. Please, sir. I want some more.

275. More?

276. All right! Stop it! Stop it right there!

277. Now go on! Fill up the bowl! Go on!

278. That's it. Now put on this dress.

279. Put it on!

280. Now dance!

281. Hey, Brian, the guy who wrote this...

282. his name, Charles Dickens.

283. I want an explanation, mister.

284. Hey, Connie pulled a power move.

285. When the most popular girl in school asks you to the dance, you don't say no.

286. You say, okay.

287. I just can't understand why you dumped your own daughter for Connie Demico.

288. Lois, it's simple transference.

289. See, to Peter, Connie Demico is really Phoebe Diamond.

290. The popular girl when he was in school.

291. My God, Lois! I think he's right.

292. When I'm trying to speed things up in bed, I'm not thinking of Connie, but Phoebe.

293. This whole thing is ridiculous!

294. I forbid you from going to that dance!

295. You can't tell me what to do. You're not my real mom!

296. End of discussion!

297. Thank you for ruining my life!

298. You don't remember what it's like to be my age!

299. I'm two years younger than you!

300. I hate you!

301. Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down?

302. Me?

303. I did a lot of drugs, married some broad named Cher.

304. I wouldn't recommend either one of them.

305. I gotta fight for my right to party!

306. Thanks, Spider-Man.

307. Everybody gets one.

308. Sweetie?

309. You married a total jerk.

310. Honey, he didn't mean to hurt you.

311. And you know, you could still go to the dance.

312. Alone? Why don't I just tattoo a big "L" on my forehead while I'm at it?

313. Now, Meg, you know my feelings on tattoos.

314. If you stay home, you're just proving to the other kids you don't belong there.

315. Yeah.

316. And you might have a really good time. I'll tell you one thing...

317. I still regret not going to my junior dance.

318. But, Daddy, if you don't do what they say, they'll kill me!

319. Sorry. You know we don't negotiate with kidnappers. Family policy.

320. Daddy, no! Please!

321. She'll be all right.

322. Come on. What do you say?

323. Well, I do have that really slutty dress you hate.

324. So, Lando...

325. how old did you say you were again?

326. Seventeen.

327. And a half.

328. Sweet statutory! You look beautiful.

329. Don't worry. I'll take good care of your kid.

330. I got a daughter of my own, you know.

331. Please leave the light off. I don't want to be seen right now.

332. I imagine you wouldn't, the way you've been acting.

333. I thought you might say something like that.

334. Well, you do have it coming.

335. Anyway, I convinced Meg to go to the dance.

336. So I'm gonna go drop her off.

337. Please don't yell, Lois. I've learned my lesson.

338. I wasn't yelling. I was just saying—

339. You would bring that up.

340. Can't you leave the past where it belongs?

341. What's wrong with you?

342. I've already explained that to you! It was a scavenger hunt!

343. What the hell is going on here?

344. If you still haven't discovered I'm gone...

345. please flip the tape over to side B.

346. Nice moves, Lando.

347. Okay, everyone. The votes are in.

348. This year's King and Queen are Lando Griffin and Connie Demico!

349. Oh, my goodness!

350. Hold it!

351. I can't be your king.

352. I have a confession.

353. I've been living a lie. I shouldn't be here with Connie.

354. - My first choice was Meg Griffin. - What?

355. Meg Griffin! She's right over there in the back.

356. No, to the left. No, you had it. No, go back.

357. Jeez, got a freakin' monkey working the spotlight!

358. To the right, genius. There. Stop!

359. That's my dream girl. I'm not good enough for her...

360. and she dumped me. So now, heartbroken...

361. I will ride recklessly into the night and up Dead Man's Curve.

362. Good-bye, Meg. I love you.

363. Meg, want to dance?

364. I was here first. Meg, dance with me?

365. Neil, would you—

366. I would be honored.

367. Thanks.

368. In other news, Lando Griffin,

369. a popular student at a local high school...

370. was killed last night when his motorbikecareened off Dead Man's Curve.

371. Police were baffled when no body was found at the scene.

372. But they decided it best not to ask questions...

373. and let everyone get on with their lives.

374. I'm so proud of you.

375. Oh, Daddy, thank you so much.

376. I was the most popular girl at the dance.

377. Anything for you, sweetheart.

378. Well, I'm off to popularity! Ciao.

379. God, I hate that manly walk of hers.