1. Excedrin headache number one.
Puppy mill.Copy !req
2. Damn.Copy !req
3. Does anyone here have thumbs?
Anyone? No.Copy !req
4. Sorry. I don't play.Copy !req
5. Come on. Knock it off.Copy !req
6. How's the flow today?Copy !req
7. Mom! Do something! Mom, help!Copy !req
8. And that was the last time
I ever saw her.Copy !req
9. I think we've stumbled on
the root of your problems.Copy !req
10. You have abandonment issues.Copy !req
11. You need to confront your mother
and deal with this.Copy !req
12. Are you crazy?Copy !req
13. For God's sake, my eyes were barely open,
and she just gave me away.Copy !req
14. Well, it's her loss, right?Copy !req
15. Yeah. I turned out great, huh?
Am I right? Yeah!Copy !req
16. You bet your ass I'm right!
You want to arm wrestle?Copy !req
17. Come on! Right now!Copy !req
18. Brian, have you been drinking?Copy !req
19. No.Copy !req
20. Brian, you really seem to be enjoying
your wine lately.Copy !req
21. It's only my second glass.Copy !req
22. Dad, if bad men broke into the house,
and they had guns...Copy !req
23. and they put a gun up to your head,
and made you choose...Copy !req
24. who you wanted to live, me or Meg,
who would you choose?Copy !req
25. Ask your mom.
I'm not very good with tough decisions.Copy !req
26. BOY ON P.A.:
We'll be closing in two minutes.Copy !req
27. I could never choose.
I love all my children equally.Copy !req
28. It's hard enough having Stewie
all the way in Palm Springs...Copy !req
29. visiting Grammy and Grandpa.Copy !req
30. Give Nana a big hug, sweetheart.Copy !req
31. That should guarantee some
after-dinner entertainment.Copy !req
32. Lois, I was thinking.Copy !req
33. Why don't I fly out to Palm Springs
and pick up Stewie?Copy !req
34. Really?Copy !req
35. A trip like this is what I need
to clear my head.Copy !req
36. That would be wonderful.Copy !req
37. It'll give me time
to catch up on my reading.Copy !req
38. Usually there are so many distractions.Copy !req
39. Come into my home, will ya?Copy !req
40. I'll show you, you bastards.Copy !req
41. Stewie, gather your things.
Time to go.Copy !req
42. It's about bloody time!Copy !req
43. That idiot slattern sent the dog?Copy !req
44. Well, this is...Copy !req
45. Don't even get me started!
I mean, really!Copy !req
46. When I think of the times
that that woman has...Copy !req
47. I won't even begin to—Copy !req
48. Can we go?
Fine.Copy !req
49. Peter, guess what I just got?
A relationship video.Copy !req
50. The infomercial said this tape will
help us communicate better as a couple.Copy !req
51. When have we ever
had trouble communicating?Copy !req
52. Oh, Peter. I love you.Copy !req
53. Yeah, about a quarter past 5:00.Copy !req
54. Okay, Lois. I'll make you a deal.Copy !req
55. We'll watch the tape,
but you've got to do something for me.Copy !req
56. Okay. What?Copy !req
57. Do that Katherine Hepburn
impression for me.Copy !req
58. And Philadelphia Story Hepburn.Copy !req
59. None of that head-on-a-slinky
Golden Pond stuff.Copy !req
60. Aren't you young to be traveling alone?Copy !req
61. Aren't you a little old
to be wearing braces?Copy !req
62. I think you've had about enough.Copy !req
63. I think you're wrong, you
increasingly attractive-looking woman.Copy !req
64. - You're really pretty.
- Stop.Copy !req
65. No. I'm serious.
You could be in magazines. You could!Copy !req
66. And not just like Jugs or Creamsicle.Copy !req
67. Call me! She won't call.Copy !req
68. Here's a pleasant sight.
Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog.Copy !req
69. I'm not drunk. All right?
I just have a speech impediment.Copy !req
70. And a stomach virus.Copy !req
71. And an inner-ear infection.Copy !req
72. Flight 85 to Providence.
Final boarding.Copy !req
73. Oh, at last!
Yes. Come now. Chase the stick.Copy !req
74. Where are the bags?Copy !req
75. What the deuce do you mean?
They're right...Copy !req
76. Rupert! I told you to watch the bags!Copy !req
77. You were watching the boys again.
It's that steward, isn't it?Copy !req
78. The one who looks like Tab Hunter!
Oh, forget it!Copy !req
79. Let's just get on the plane and go home!Copy !req
80. Our tickets were in the bags!Copy !req
81. Flight 85 to Providence
is now departing.Copy !req
82. That's not going to stop me!Copy !req
83. That was my plan. Where's yours?Copy !req
84. Oh, my God! All right,
let's not dilly-dally.Copy !req
85. Phone Lois,
have her wire us some money...Copy !req
86. and let's get the hell out of here.Copy !req
87. Oh, that's pretty.Copy !req
88. Hello, operator?Copy !req
89. God, that's right.Copy !req
90. You have to punch in
the numbers nowadays.Copy !req
91. I should know this. Yes. 867-5309.Copy !req
92. That's it. No, wait. That's not it!Copy !req
93. Damn you, Tommy Tutone!
There's only one thing to do.Copy !req
94. 111-1111. Lois? Damn!Copy !req
95. 111-1112. Lois? Damn!Copy !req
96. 111-1113...Copy !req
97. "A Way With Words In Marriage for
Couples Who Communicate Not Good."Copy !req
98. Come on, Lois.
This is gonna be worse than that time...Copy !req
99. we had to sit through
your Uncle Jerry's snuff film.Copy !req
100. Are they really gonna kill that girl?Copy !req
101. Peter, please!
People are trying to watch.Copy !req
102. Just give it a chance.Copy !req
103. Hello. I'm Dr. Amanda Rebecca.Copy !req
104. By purchasing this video,
you've taken the first step towards...Copy !req
105. strengthening your relationship
through better communication.Copy !req
106. I'd like to start by asking the women
to leave the room because...Copy !req
107. this part of the tape is for men only.
We'll see you in a little while.Copy !req
108. I can see this is gonna be very intense.
How fun!Copy !req
109. Make sure your wife is out of the room.Copy !req
110. So, do you want to talk,
or do you want me to take my top off?Copy !req
111. That's what I thought.
Oh, man. You're making me so hot!Copy !req
112. I hope you like big breasts,
because mine are so big...Copy !req
113. this itty bra can barely contain them.Copy !req
114. Do you want to see more?
Yes, please.Copy !req
115. Then you'll have to order my next tape.Copy !req
116. You got the stuff?Copy !req
117. Yeah. I've got it. Where's
the money? I wanna see the money.Copy !req
118. No. You don't see the money
until I see the stuff.Copy !req
119. There's only one way
to put an end to this nuisance.Copy !req
120. He's wearing a wire!Copy !req
121. What? You son of a...Copy !req
122. That's it, Mr. Giraffe.
Get all the marmalade.Copy !req
123. Hello?
Damn it to pus-spewing, blood-gutted hell!Copy !req
124. What?Copy !req
125. What do you mean,
our credit card was declined?Copy !req
126. No, there's no need to come up. We'll...Copy !req
127. Blast!Copy !req
128. Damn it!Copy !req
129. Come on, you! Get up!
Go for a ride in the car?Copy !req
130. Blast! A penny!Copy !req
131. Wake up!Copy !req
132. What? Oh, my head!
Oh, God. What are we doing here?Copy !req
133. We needed a weekend away from the kids.
Just us.Copy !req
134. We have to get the hell out of here!Copy !req
135. Manager! Open up, orl'llCopy !req
136. hit you with this blunt
instrument I use...Copy !req
137. to hit deadbeats with bad credit cards!Copy !req
138. Well, it's not an instrument!Copy !req
139. It's more of an object! But it's blunt!Copy !req
140. Hard and blunt!
And it's kind of like a bat!Copy !req
141. I found it out back one day
when I was raking!Copy !req
142. Let's go!Copy !req
143. All right, we need some wheels.Copy !req
144. This one's unlocked.Copy !req
145. An SUV?
Look, we're trying to elude someone.Copy !req
146. We're not driving to soccer practice.
Let's take this one.Copy !req
147. - You like that color?
- What's wrong with it?Copy !req
148. - I don't know. It's just so dark.
- Well, yes. But it doesn't show dirt.Copy !req
149. - What?
- It doesn't show dirt.Copy !req
150. I guess.Copy !req
151. This is the first place we've gone to.
Perhaps we should try another lot.Copy !req
152. Sold!Copy !req
153. - Go on. Hot-wire it!
- Hot-wire? I don't even pump my gas!Copy !req
154. Oh, for God's sake!Copy !req
155. Hurry up!Copy !req
156. You did it!Copy !req
157. Wait. Put it back. I like that song.Copy !req
158. Montgomery Clift who was in From
Here to Eternity with Burt Lancaster...Copy !req
159. who was in Atlantic City
with Susan Sarandon...Copy !req
160. who was in White Palace
with Kevin Bacon. There.Copy !req
161. Nice. Except that was James Spader
in White Palace. Moron.Copy !req
162. Mr. Snippy.Copy !req
163. I just need some time to think.
All right?Copy !req
164. Yes. You've got lots to think about,
haven't you?Copy !req
165. Public drunkenness, grand-theft auto.Copy !req
166. You forgot where you smash your head
on the windshield.Copy !req
167. I don't recall...Copy !req
168. Yes, well,
I suppose I walked right into that one.Copy !req
169. Hello?Copy !req
170. - Lois. Hi, it's Brian.
- Let me talk to her!Copy !req
171. Brian!
We were just on our way to the airport.Copy !req
172. Is everything okay?Copy !req
173. Yeah. Everything's fine.Copy !req
174. Stewie and I traded in our plane tickets
for train tickets.Copy !req
175. Yeah. Apparently you can do that.Copy !req
176. Give me the damn phone!Copy !req
177. He's sound asleep.
But I'll give him a kiss for you.Copy !req
178. - You suck!
- See you in three days.Copy !req
179. Let's go.Copy !req
180. Crap. We gotta disappear. And quick!Copy !req
181. Maybe we should've jumped on that truck.Copy !req
182. Stewie and Brian are taking a train home.Copy !req
183. Can we not talk about curtains
for two seconds?Copy !req
184. I got another one of those
relationship tapes.Copy !req
185. $49.95? That's three times as much
as the first one.Copy !req
186. Lois, our relationship
cannot be measured in nipples and dimes.Copy !req
187. I mean, nickels and boobs.Copy !req
188. Money. I'll be upstairs.Copy !req
189. Peter, why are you so—Copy !req
190. Get out! This is a part just for the men!Copy !req
191. I say, there's a plane.Copy !req
192. Yeah. If there's a plane,
there's probably a pilot.Copy !req
193. And if there's a pilot,
there must be a bar!Copy !req
194. I can finally get a drink!Copy !req
195. I don't trust you.Copy !req
196. You put your seed in my daughter's belly.
You're fired!Copy !req
197. But, Pa, you can't fire me!Copy !req
198. You're lucky you're my brother, too,
or I'd kill you!Copy !req
199. Excuse me, sir.
I'm an experienced crop-dusting pilot.Copy !req
200. You can trust us completely.Copy !req
201. My friend is too young
to put a seed in your daughter's belly.Copy !req
202. And I'm of a different species.Copy !req
203. You're hired.Copy !req
204. Will your face be red
when they find the black box on this one.Copy !req
205. So really saturate the soil twice a day.Copy !req
206. That's why my tomatoes haven't
been coming in.Copy !req
207. Let's see.Copy !req
208. Hey, that was pretty good.Copy !req
209. But when you said, "Me llamoes Brian,"
you don't need the "es."Copy !req
210. Just "Me llamo Brian."Copy !req
211. You speak English.Copy !req
212. Just that first speech.
And this one explaining it.Copy !req
213. - You're kidding, right?
- Qué?Copy !req
214. Why the hell did we get off here?Copy !req
215. My mother lives in Austin.Copy !req
216. Don't you see?
Fate's brought me back here for a reason.Copy !req
217. I have to find
and make peace with my mother.Copy !req
218. So she's in Austin? Eight miles that way?Copy !req
219. Yes.Copy !req
220. All right. So instead of driving
down this sun-parched highway...Copy !req
221. we've now got to walk?Copy !req
222. Pretty much. Yeah.Copy !req
223. You know what this means?
Yeah.Copy !req
224. I say, walk slower, dog!Copy !req
225. My Huggies are already holed up
in Box Canyon.Copy !req
226. Hello, Luke.
Have we met?Copy !req
227. My name's Brian. I was born here.Copy !req
228. Sorry, son, lots of dogs have been
born here. Refresh my memory.Copy !req
229. - Which one were you again?
- I was the one who could talk.Copy !req
230. Brian! Come on in!Copy !req
231. Betty! Look who it is!Copy !req
232. Is that Brian?
And you brought a little friend.Copy !req
233. I bet you're a hungry little fella.Copy !req
234. Yes, and I'll bet you lost your virginity
to a mechanical bull! Now change me!Copy !req
235. Look, I've been thinking a lot
about my mother lately, and—Copy !req
236. She was a good dog.Copy !req
237. "Was"? You mean—Copy !req
238. Last year. She went real peaceful.Copy !req
239. She probably wouldn't have wanted
to see me anyway.Copy !req
240. That's not true!
Biscuit loved all her puppies!Copy !req
241. Biscuit!Copy !req
242. Brian, your mama gave you up
because she thought...Copy !req
243. you'd have a better life
if she let you go.Copy !req
244. Was she right, son?
Do you have a good life?Copy !req
245. Yeah. I really do. I have a great life.Copy !req
246. - Would you like to see her?
- See her? I don't understand.Copy !req
247. We loved Biscuit so much
we wanted to keep her with us always...Copy !req
248. so we had her stuffed!Copy !req
249. Mom!Copy !req
250. I say! Someone must've said a funny,
because your mother's in stitches!Copy !req
251. I'll leave you to grieve.Copy !req
252. Come on, Betty, why don't we
get these fellas some sandwiches?Copy !req
253. Look at Jesus standing over there
all by himself.Copy !req
254. You'd think those bulldogs would
invite him to their card game.Copy !req
255. You deserve better than this, Mom.Copy !req
256. This is actually a rather elegant solution
for my problem of what to do with Lois.Copy !req
257. Shut up and help me.
I'm not leaving her like this.Copy !req
258. Oh, relax. The old girl doesn't have too
much to wag about these days anyway.Copy !req
259. Hey, Meg, try and guess
the word I'm thinking of right now.Copy !req
260. And it's not "kitty."Copy !req
261. - "Car."
- No.Copy !req
262. - I don't know. "Apple"?
- No. Give up?Copy !req
263. - Yeah.
- It was "kitty"!Copy !req
264. - Peter, isn't that—
- My God! The new video! Life is sweet!Copy !req
265. How about some whipped cream?Copy !req
266. That's always good.Copy !req
267. And some cinnamon.Copy !req
268. That's good, too!Copy !req
269. And then, guess what?
I'm going to add...Copy !req
270. Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash,
I'm gonna lose it.Copy !req
271. We're going to add...Copy !req
272. Peter!Copy !req
273. I know what you've been doing here.
And I'm very upset with you.Copy !req
274. Wow. Usually beautiful women don'tCopy !req
275. turn back into you until
after I'm finished.Copy !req
276. These tapes are about communication.Copy !req
277. If you wanted to see a woman
acting nasty...Copy !req
278. you should've told me.Copy !req
279. This is hot!Copy !req
280. Turn around.Copy !req
281. Lois! This is not what it looks like!
She means nothing to me!Copy !req
282. - Peter, it's okay.
- Yeah?Copy !req
283. I was trying to be sexy for you.Copy !req
284. Come here, you.Copy !req
285. You should've told me...Copy !req
286. You should've told me...Copy !req
287. I'm gonna get directions
to the nearest park...Copy !req
288. so we can give my mother
a proper burial.Copy !req
289. Come on, darling. Stiff upper lip.Copy !req
290. I'm writing that one down.Copy !req
291. - Say something.
- What?Copy !req
292. - Just say something, please!
- For God's sake!Copy !req
293. "Yea, and God said to Abraham,
'You will kill your son Isaac.'Copy !req
294. "And Abraham said:Copy !req
295. "'I can't hear you.
You'll have to speak into the microphone.'Copy !req
296. "And God said, 'I'm sorry.
Is this better? Check, check, check.Copy !req
297. "'Jerry, pull the high end out,
I'm getting some hiss back here.'"Copy !req
298. Say something about my mother!Copy !req
299. Yes. I'm sorry.Copy !req
300. I never knew Biscuit as a dog.Copy !req
301. But I did know her as a table.Copy !req
302. She was sturdy.
All four legs the same length—Copy !req
303. Thanks. That's enough.Copy !req
304. Yes. Requiem and Terra Pax, and so forth.
Amen.Copy !req
305. Look at all those stars.Copy !req
306. I've read that starlight gives you cancer.
But then again, what doesn't these days?Copy !req
307. Listen, there's something
I've been meaning to tell you.Copy !req
308. It's not easy for me to say.Copy !req
309. Oh, God! You're not coming out
of the closet, are you?Copy !req
310. Why does everyone
always come out to me?Copy !req
311. I just wanted to thank you
for everything you did today.Copy !req
312. I know this whole trip has been a mess.Copy !req
313. It hasn't been all bad.Copy !req
314. I must admit, there have been moments
that were, dare I say, fun.Copy !req
315. "We're off on the road to Rhode IslandCopy !req
316. "We're having the time of our lives"Copy !req
317. Take it, Dog!Copy !req
318. "We're quite a pair of partners,
just like Thelma and LouiseCopy !req
319. "'Cept you're not six feet tallCopy !req
320. "Yes, and your breasts
don't reach your knees"Copy !req
321. Give it time.Copy !req
322. "We're off on the road to Rhode IslandCopy !req
323. "We're certainly going in styleCopy !req
324. "I'm with an intellectual
who craps inside his pants"Copy !req
325. How dare you!Copy !req
326. "At least I don't leave urine stains
on all the household plants"Copy !req
327. Oh, pee jokes.Copy !req
328. "We've traveled a bit, and we've foundCopy !req
329. "like a masochist in Newport,
we're Rhode Island bound"Copy !req
330. - Crazy travel conditions, huh?
- First class and no class.Copy !req
331. Whoa, careful with that joke.
It's an antique.Copy !req
332. "We're off on the road to Rhode IslandCopy !req
333. "We're not gonna stop till we're there"Copy !req
334. Maybe for a beer.Copy !req
335. "Whatever dangers we may face,
we'll never fear or cry"Copy !req
336. That's right.Copy !req
337. "Until we're syndicated,
Fox will never let us die, please?Copy !req
338. "We're off on the road to Rhode IslandCopy !req
339. "The home of that old campus swingCopy !req
340. "We may pick up some college girls
and picnic on the grassCopy !req
341. "We'd tell you more,
but we would have the censors on our ass"Copy !req
342. Yikes!Copy !req
343. "We certainly do get aroundCopy !req
344. "Like renegade Pilgrims
who were thrown out of Plymouth ColonyCopy !req
345. "we're Rhode Island boundCopy !req
346. "Or like two college freshmen
who were rejected by HarvardCopy !req
347. "and forced to go to BrownCopy !req
348. "we're Rhode Island bound"Copy !req
349. Look who I found at the train station!Copy !req
350. My baby! Mommy missed you so much!Copy !req
351. Yes. God forbid you should've put
a little eyeliner on for my homecoming.Copy !req
352. Did you have a nice trip with Brian?Copy !req
353. Yes. Smooth sailing through calm seas.Copy !req
354. Kid, listen, thanks for
not ratting me out.Copy !req
355. Is there anything I can
do to pay you back?Copy !req
356. Yes. You remember that episode
of The Brady Bunch where...Copy !req
357. Bobby saved Greg's life
and Greg became his slave?Copy !req
358. Yeah.Copy !req
359. It's on this afternoon.
You can tape it for me.Copy !req
360. And put a nice label on it.Copy !req
361. Okay, Meg,
I'm thinking of another word.Copy !req
362. This time it's definitely not "kitty."Copy !req
363. - Can you guess what it is?
- Is it "kitty"?Copy !req
364. Get out of my head!Copy !req