1. We're gonna use a fan brush here.
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2. And I want you
to take some Hunter Green.
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3. And we'll put a happy little bush
right down over here in the corner.
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4. And that'll just be our little secret.
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5. And if you tell anyone
that that bush is there...
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6. I will come to your house
and I will cut you!
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7. Mine doesn't look
anything like his.
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8. The hell with it!
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9. "It seems today that all you see
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10. "is violence in movies and sex on TV
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11. "But where are those good,
old-fashioned values
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12. "on which we used to rely?
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13. "Lucky there's a family guy
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14. "Lucky there's a man who'll
positively tell you
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15. "all the things that make us
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16. "laugh 'n' cry
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17. "He's a family guy"
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18. Ha! Boy, you throw like a fishwife!
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19. Come on, you hairy lubbin' friggin' rod!
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20. Chris, are you gonna take that
from a fisherman?
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21. No way!
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22. For the love of Pete!
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23. I'm good!
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24. How fun.
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25. And it's for a good cause.
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26. All the money goes to the families
of fishermen who've been eaten by sharks.
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27. Ladies and gentlemen,
the mayor of Quahog, Adam West!
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28. Thank you, thank you,
thank you very much.
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29. Thank you.
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30. Thank you. Thank you.
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31. It was 360 years ago
that Quahog founder...
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32. Miles "Chatterbox" Musket set sail...
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33. for the new colony of Rhode Island.
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34. You know what I'm gonna do
when we get to shore? First...
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35. I'm gonna have me a snack.
No! Shower!
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36. Shower first, snack second.
But I hope I see Indians.
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37. You think they'll have American cheese?
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38. Ever the free thinker...
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39. Miles was thrown overboard
for speaking his mind.
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40. He was as good as dead.
But as legend has it...
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41. he was saved by a magic clam
who brought him to shore...
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42. and shared the vision
of a new colony...
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43. which would be called Quahog.
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44. There are fields for tilling, woods
for timber and the bounty of the sea.
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45. Look at all this sand!
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46. Did you know there are beaches
with black sand? Did I pack my towel?
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47. Are you listening?
I'm trying to help you.
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48. And help he did.
Thanks to the clam's leadership...
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49. Quahog became a great
and prosperous settlement.
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50. But relations between Miles
and the clam soon soured.
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51. I know he's an Indian.
But what kind of name is Squanto?
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52. "Leslie" or something like that
would be nice.
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53. Shut up!
God, keep it to yourself once in a while!
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54. Here. Look what I'm doing. Watch this.
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55. Look, see that? Yeah!
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56. Now try it with me. Okay?
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57. Things only got worse.
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58. Before long, Miles began
to contemplate killing the clam.
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59. I was awake
last night, Miles. I saw you.
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60. I think it's time for me to go.
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61. I'll send for my things.
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62. Wait! Don't go! I'm sorry!
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63. Miles never spoke again.
But every year until his death...
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64. from a combination of tuberculosis
and a tomahawk to the head...
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65. he went to the shore on this day...
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66. in hopes that the magic clam
would return.
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67. Today, we citizens of Quahog
continue this tradition.
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68. What's that?
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69. Something out at sea?
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70. Clam-ho!
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71. They're giving your cue.
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72. Who the hell's idea was it
to make this suit out of foam rubber?
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73. It's such an honor to play the magic clam.
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74. Aren't you proud of your dad?
Are you kidding?
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75. God, this is worse than having
Ronald McDonald for a father.
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76. Bye, Dad! Don't wait up!
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77. Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here.
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78. - You're not going with that make-up.
- But Dad!
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79. Upstairs!
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80. You're a McDonald, not a whore!
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81. I think I got a wave here!
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82. So that's what Peter's penis looks like.
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83. How could you
embarrass me like that?
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84. Nobody better pull this
at my slumber party tonight!
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85. Don't worry, honey.
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86. You and your friends
will have a great time.
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87. Yes. How delightful it will be.
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88. A pubescent herd of gabby wretches
prattling on about boys...
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89. and music and jellybeans and stickers.
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90. We better stop by the hospital
so I can get my cooties shot.
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91. Shut up!
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92. Just leave me and my friends
alone tonight, okay?
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93. Will you relax?
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94. None of us will do anything
to embarrass you, all right?
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95. I gotta get gas.
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96. Hey, any of you guys want a soda?
I'm gonna go inside and get a soda.
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97. Mom!
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98. Meg, you know your father
loves you very much.
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99. Mr. Griffin?
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100. Oh, my God!
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101. Hey, look! It's Kevin from next door.
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102. I didn't know you worked here.
Hey, Kevin. Come here!
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103. Say hi to Meg. She's right in there.
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104. Right there.
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105. Okay. I'd put Brad Pitt's face...
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106. on Brendan Fraser's body...
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107. with Ben Affleck's butt!
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108. My turn!
I'd take James Brolin's face...
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109. Mark Spitz's body,
and Milton Berle's legendary genitals.
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110. What are you doing?
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111. I love slumber parties!
Okay, truth or dare?
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112. Who here has gone all the way?
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113. You know, at my sleepovers,
we used to practice French kissing.
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114. Now everybody pair up!
All right, Mom!
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115. Chris, get out of here right now!
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116. I can't.
Okay. Finish up and then come out.
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117. Have you seen my fake beard?
Crap! I'm stuck in the stairs.
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118. God, kill me now.
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119. Hello?
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120. Karen!
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121. All right,
I'm gonna need you to boil some water.
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122. And girls, I'm gonna need towels,
lots of them! Okay, let's go!
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123. I'm sorry, Meg's friends.
Look, I'll make it up to you.
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124. I'll get you Davy Jones
for your school dance.
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125. Jeez, Lois! What is that? Acid?
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126. You guys are ruining my life!
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127. I'm sorry, honey.
I know how you must feel.
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128. If you care about me,
you won't show your faces downstairs...
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129. for the rest of the night.
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130. Then it's a good thing I have this.
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131. "I am not a crook!"
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132. Look, I mean it! All of you.
Oh, God! Where's Stewie?
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133. Beth, what do you think?
Does Mark find you attractive?
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134. I don't know.
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135. Have you asked him?
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136. Not exactly.
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137. All right, look.
Let's try some role-playing.
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138. I'll be Mark.
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139. And you ask me out to the box social
or whatever you children do these days.
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140. Peter, don't!
God, your hands are like ice!
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141. Just here. Give it to me.
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142. That'll warm it up a little.
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143. That's nice.
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144. Peter, wait till...
Shazam!
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145. Peter.
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146. Hey, what happened to your friends?
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147. My family scared them away.
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148. I just wish there was some way they could
understand how embarrassing they are.
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149. Welcome back to Diane!
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150. Erica, it's time
for Mario's little confession.
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151. Erica, you know I love you.
But I gotta come clean.
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152. I'm not really a man.
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153. I'm a woman.
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154. My God! You're a woman?
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155. Actually, I'm not really a woman.
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156. I'm a horse!
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157. My God! You're a horse?
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158. Actually, I'm not really a horse.
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159. I'm a broom.
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160. Okay. So how do you feel?
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161. To be honest with you, Diane,
I'm surprised.
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162. Man, this is a great show.
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163. They drag these idiots up on stage
and then blindside them.
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164. Like this one guy didn't know
he was actually two midgets.
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165. Those poor, unsuspecting people.
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166. Well, maybe some of them deserved it.
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167. Hello. And welcome to Diane!
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168. Today's guest is tired of
being embarrassed by her family.
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169. Meg, how did you get these tickets again?
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170. Let's bring them up right now.
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171. Whatever problems we have
can be settled in the privacy—
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172. The Griffin family!
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173. Suckers.
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174. Uh-oh.
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175. And we're back.
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176. Griffins, do you have anything
to say to your daughter?
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177. I can't believe you'd do this to us.
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178. Maybe now I won't give you the antidote.
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179. To what?
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180. To the poison you just drank.
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181. See what I mean?
This is not normal!
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182. You there, Bingo.
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183. It seems the naughty baby
has made a messy-poo in his...
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184. I say, what's this?
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185. Volume!
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186. Look, what's the big deal?
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187. I mean,
we're just a regular American family.
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188. We have family dinners,
and we go to church together—
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189. And you even manage
to humiliate me there.
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190. - Is that really the blood of Christ?
- Yes.
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191. Man, that guy must've been
wasted 24 hours a day.
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192. We have a caller on the line. Go ahead.
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193. Yes. I say,
do you have Prince Albert in a can?
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194. Quiet. Shut up.
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195. You'd better let him out!
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196. That's hilarious.
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197. Meg, you have two parents
who love you and...
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198. What does that say under me?
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199. Oh, go... yourself, Diane!
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200. She said a swear!
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201. Peter, do you think there might be
any validity to what Meg is feeling?
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202. Who are you calling Uncle Tom?
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203. What?
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204. Okay, time out.
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205. This kind of acrimony isn't
gonna resolve our differences.
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206. Just shut up and throw a chair.
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207. Okay!
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208. Fire! City Hall is burning.
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209. Don't worry. I'll put it out.
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210. Great show out there.
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211. If you want an autograph now...
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212. you either gotta give me a pen
or get me some snow.
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213. I look at you and see a series.
We want to put cameras...
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214. in your house and follow the drama
that is your family.
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215. Kind of like The Real World.
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216. All right! Then everyone would
see me and my wacky antics.
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217. - So do we have a deal?
- Let's shake on it.
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218. Mom, are we on TV right now?
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219. Yes, Chris.
Your father signed a contract.
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220. And now we're gonna be on TV
for the next six months.
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221. How could you do this?
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222. You've turned my life into
the 24-Hour Loser Channel!
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223. You, cameraman!
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224. Make sure you use that
Cybill Shepherd filter!
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225. If it makes her look human,
it should take six months off my face.
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226. I find the toothpaste with the pump...
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227. is a little easier to get on the brush.
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228. You might've noticed
my underwear has a hole in it.
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229. You know,
I don't see any reason to throw it out.
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230. The waist is still fine.
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231. You know, see? It's still real stretchy.
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232. Mom, you have to do something!
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233. Dad's on TV parading around in his
underwear like some gross European guy!
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234. Now, sweetie,
your father's just a free spirit.
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235. Here.
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236. A good breakfast is the foundation
of a good day.
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237. And a bad breakfast
is the foundation of indigestion.
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238. Hi, I'm Brian.
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239. What the hell is this?
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240. I said egg whites only!
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241. Are you trying to give me
a bloody heart attack?
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242. Make it again!
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243. The breakfast thing. Yes.
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244. It wasn't even about the eggs, really.
Frankly, I like the yolks.
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245. I have no problem...
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246. There's always been a lot of tension
between Lois and me.
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247. And it's not so much
that I want to "kill" her.
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248. It's just I want her
not to be alive anymore.
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249. I sometimes wonder
if all women are this difficult.
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250. And then I think to myself, "My God...
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251. "... wouldn't it be marvelous
if I turned out to be a homosexual?"
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252. One time my dad pooped in the
neighbor's yard and then lied about it.
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253. I knew it!
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254. Well, I'm glad I used his shovel
to clean it up!
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255. Joe, this sort of makes you like
Larry from Three's Company.
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256. You know, I always thought he was sexy.
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257. I am all about Larry over here!
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258. On Sundays we generally
catch the early-bird special...
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259. here at The Lobster Shanty.
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260. Fresh seafood, good prices.
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261. Plus it's a shanty.
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262. And you get to pick your own lobster.
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263. Yes. That one looks like
he's got some fight in him.
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264. Take off the rubber bands! I'm going in!
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265. My God! It is them!
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266. I can't believe the Griffins eat here
like everyday people!
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267. We're, like, trying to eat here.
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268. Meg, put your bib on.
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269. I don't want to wear a bib.
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270. Meg, honey, it's very cold in here.
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271. Maybe you'd be more comfortable
with your bib on.
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272. She means your nipples are sticking out!
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273. Mom!
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274. Nipples!
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275. That's it! I want those cameras off!
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276. Fourth wall!
You're breaking the fourth wall!
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277. You're the one that got us on TV
in the first place.
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278. Now I'm getting us off TV. I quit!
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279. This isn't necessarily a bad thing.
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280. - We can't do the show without Meg.
- Why not?
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281. Our research shows she's
the least popular character on the show.
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282. But everyone loves the rest of you.
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283. Lois, women 25 to 49,
they see you as a role model.
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284. - Really?
- Absolutely.
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285. - What about me?
- You!
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286. Look, the bottom line is you folks
are all still under contract. Okay?
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287. But I've come up with a solution
I think will make everyone happy.
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288. Jason Gallagher.
Present.
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289. Meg Griffin.
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290. - Sorry I'm late, Mr.--
- Here.
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291. Hello?
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292. Over here.
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293. Thank you for meeting us here.
Can I offer you a cigarette?
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294. Sorry. We have to keep this brief.
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295. Why are we here?
No cameras!
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296. The TV executives don't want viewers
to think you're Meg Griffin.
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297. You're gonna let them recast me?
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298. It could've been worse.
They could've gone with Plan B.
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299. Brian, put a mask on.
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300. I have an announcement.
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301. "Meg Griffin's plane was shot down
over the Sea of Japan.
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302. "It spun in.
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303. "There were no survivors."
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304. Who do I see about a Section Eight?
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305. Fine! Do your stupid show without me!
I'll be over at Cleveland's house!
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306. I don't even want to be a part
of this family anymore!
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307. She'll be okay.
Come on. We gotta get back.
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308. The cameramen think
we're taking Chris to soccer practice.
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309. We're gonna be late!
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310. Why won't you talk to me?
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311. Meg, honey.
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312. Our home is your home
for as long as you like.
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313. We could offer you the guest room
provided it doesn't bother you...
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314. that my Great Uncle Chet died in there.
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315. Oh. I guess not.
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316. When did he die?
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317. We think sometime between
The Tonight Show...
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318. and The Today Show.
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319. You know, some people think
that dandelions are weeds.
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320. But you know, I always think...
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321. who the hell decided
tulips were so great?
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322. Hey, I'm over here.
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323. Hi, Chris.
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324. You know my name?
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325. Of course I do, silly.
I'm your sister, Meg.
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326. Oh.
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327. I don't know if Mom and Dad told you,
but we usually have breakfast naked.
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328. And I'm allowed to videotape it.
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329. My skin's getting so slippery.
Hope I don't pop out of my top!
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330. Camera guy. Check this out.
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331. "Peter Griffin and Madam."
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332. Madam, you're a lusty old gal, aren't you?
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333. "You're the one with your hand
up my backside, darling."
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334. Oh! She got me.
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335. Hey, come back here.
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336. She's gonna sing Rainbow Connection.
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337. Mr. Quagmire,
can I use your toothpaste?
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338. - My God. Excuse me.
- Hey, no problem.
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339. You probably bought me
another three minutes!
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340. The funniest thing happened
at work today. There was this—
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341. Hi.
Hey!
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342. I had the worst day.
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343. First I didn't make cheerleader
because I'm so plain.
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344. And I still don't have a date
for Friday night, as usual.
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345. I'm going to write in my journal...
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346. about how I'll never grow
big, full breasts like these!
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347. It's not fair, Lois.
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348. If I don't get any airtime,
how will I get my own spin-off...
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349. where I'm a retired baseball umpire
who opens a bar...
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350. at the center of the earth?
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351. You know, we don't get many
of you molten-rock men in here.
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352. At these prices, I'm not surprised!
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353. That's it, pal!
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354. You are outta here!
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355. To hell with the cameras!
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356. How could we ever let them
replace our little girl?
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357. - I miss her, Peter.
- Me, too.
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358. She's like that dorky Baldwin brother
who isn't as good-looking or successful...
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359. and never answers my letters,
but he's still a Baldwin!
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360. And so is Meg! Let's go get her back!
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361. What can I do for you?
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362. I'll tell you what you can do.
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363. Fire that sexy, interesting version
of our daughter...
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364. and make us a family again, or we walk!
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365. Fire her? She's the highest testing
character on the show.
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366. Besides, you can't quit.
You have a contract.
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367. Oh, yeah?
Here's what I think of your contract!
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368. I think it's awful, and I don't much care
for it at all, my good sir.
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369. Let's go. We're outta here.
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370. You put me in
a very awkward position, Peter.
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371. But I guess I have no choice.
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372. Mom? Dad?
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373. I'm home!
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374. Who are you?
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375. We're the Griffins.
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376. No, you're not. You're Tom Arnold.
And you're Fran Drescher.
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377. And you're that fat guy
from Boogie Nights.
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378. And you're the Olsen twins?
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379. Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine!
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380. Whose leg do you have to hump to get
a dry martini around here?
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381. Oh, Peter, you promised me...
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382. you wouldn't drink at the stag party.
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383. I do not sound like that!
This is terrible.
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384. We're the laughing stock of the town!
And we've lost our daughter!
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385. - Meg!
- Mom.
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386. Look, I don't care if you guys
embarrass me. I want to come home.
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387. Sweetie. It's good to have you back.
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388. Hey, honey.
I'm sorry we missed your ball game.
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389. What?
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390. Here's an ice cream. We love you, Meg.
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391. I love you, too.
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392. Hey, Lois. There's a Bible in here.
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393. Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian!
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394. I'm reading the Bible!
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