Family Guy 2x11

Directed by Gavin Dell

Candice Bergen as Murphy Brown (voice) • Joe Regalbuto as Frank Fontana / Bull / Editor (voice) • Faith Ford as Corky Sherwood / Pretty Woman (voice) • Charles Kimbrough as Jim Dial (voice) • Joey Slotnick as Angry Man / Bob / Carter (voice) • Patrick Warburton as Joe Swanson (voice)

Peter is envious of an old friend's success; Chris' painting gets serious attention.

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!req Family Guy 2x11 [Family Guy 2x11]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Family Guy 2x11 [10-11]; !req Family Guy 2x11 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Where's Brian? Breakfast is getting cold.

2. In tonight's episode...

3. the part of Brian the Dog will be played by Carter Banks.

4. - Here I am. Sorry I— - Camera Two.

5. Sorry, I overslept.

6. Yes. Do you want breakfast?

7. Or would you rather chew on your own ass as usual?

8. I'm sure you have something to say to that.

9. Oh, God. Sorry.

10. Can you give me the line again? Not the whole line. Just the end.

11. Let's cut!

12. You're sleeping with which producer?

13. God! As soon as my movie deal kicks in, I am such a ghost!

14. "It seems today that all you see

15. "is violence in movies and sex on TV

16. "But where are those good, old-fashioned values

17. "on which we used to rely?

18. "Lucky there's a family guy

19. "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you

20. "all the things that make us

21. "laugh 'n' cry

22. "He's a family guy"

23. You can take off your blindfold now. We're almost there.

24. Not yet. I don't want to ruin my birthday surprise.

25. Then at least let me drive!

26. Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive.

27. A woman driving. That's adorable.

28. Peter, I don't think...

29. Peter, please! I'm begging you! Stop the car!

30. We're here! Thank God.

31. Bob's Funland and Putt Putt Golf?

32. The grownup in me likes the prospect of fun.

33. But the kid in me is suicidal over what a fat bastard I'll become!

34. Happy birthday!

35. I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe!

36. Who are you?

37. I'm the guy whose car you just slammed into!

38. Lois, you invited everyone!

39. Excuse me. Excuse me.

40. My friend is differently abled. May he go ahead of you?

41. Of course.

42. Frontsies, backsies, backsies, backsies.

43. Well, hello.

44. You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire.

45. Careful, Joe! Kiss off! Yeah!

46. Your father.

47. Sometimes I don't think he'll be happy until he's completely paralyzed.

48. How deliciously evil looking!

49. It's like something out of Stephen King!

50. Okay. For my 307th book...

51. this couple is attacked by a...

52. lamp monster!

53. You're not even trying anymore, are you?

54. When can I have it?

55. A lot.

56. A 10-gauge. I've never handled one of these before.

57. Ah! Yes!

58. "This is my rifle, this is my gun

59. This is for fighting, this is for fun"

60. Oh, dang. Now I hate windmills even more.

61. Let me give you a little tip, pallie.

62. The shortest distance between two points is...

63. the full-body English, high-arcing rainbow shot.

64. I know what you're thinking.

65. Sir, I'm gonna have to ask your party to leave.

66. You've caused nothing but trouble since you got here!

67. Perhaps we should just continue the party at some other type of location.

68. No. Wait. I know this guy. We went to high school together.

69. We did?

70. He was a loser then, and he's a loser now.

71. We used to kid this guy all the time.

72. Bob misses his mommy! Bob misses his mommy!

73. We're not going just because some pissant tells us to.

74. - I demand to see the owner! - That's me. I'm Bob Funland.

75. You own this whole place?

76. That's right! This place is my legacy!

77. So what have you done with your life, you jerk?

78. I'm Neptune, God Of The Sea!

79. I sink ships and conjure up storms!

80. No, you're not. I am. And you know nothing of my work.

81. Look at this, Lois. See? Right here. I was voted Most Likely To Succeed.

82. Peter, that's not you.

83. That's not even a yearbook. That's a People magazine.

84. I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name.

85. Can't we just enjoy the rest of your birthday?

86. Look. It says, "Happy Birthday, Daddy. Love, Stewie."

87. Let me see that! Did you forge my name?

88. Is that backward "S" supposed to be cute?

89. I'm going to crap double for you tonight!

90. Face it, Lois. I'm a nobody.

91. Why can't I be famous like Bob? Or my cousin, Kathy Griffin?

92. Okay. Then I got on Suddenly Susan. And that was really cool.

93. And I still do standup. And people laugh and give me money.

94. Isn't this great catching up? Anyway, I was in college—

95. She's still talking.

96. I don't get it. I poured it in her drink.

97. His name was Steve Rock. It was cool.

98. He was my first black man.

99. Oh, boy.

100. But I went everywhere!

101. Don't be depressed, Dad. Here. I made you a present.

102. My God! It's good. Really good.

103. It's partly an expression of my teenage angst.

104. But mostly it's a moo cow!

105. It's lovely, Chris.

106. Go ahead, Peter. Make a wish.

107. I'd sell my soul to be famous!

108. I got a live one! Peter Griffin. Sorry, Chief.

109. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets.

110. And again in 1981 for half a Mallomar.

111. Aw, heck! Where's a lawyer when I need one?

112. Don't forget this! Maybe you could hang it in your office.

113. Son, I'll put it someplace where everyone can see it.

114. Excuse me. I'll give you $1,000 for what you have in the back there.

115. $1,000 for a bumper sticker?

116. No, no. I mean that painting.

117. I must have it for my gallery in Soho. I'll give you $5,000. What do you say?

118. I say...

119. I love you, you freakin' son of mine!

120. I got $5,000 for that painting you made me!

121. But I painted that just for you.

122. Don't feel bad, Chris. I didn't even want it.

123. Now we all get a trip to New York...

124. because Mr. Monatti thinks you could be a famous artist.

125. Monatti? Antonio Monatti?

126. You've heard of this man?

127. He's only the biggest art dealer in New York.

128. I met him when I was hanging out with Andy Warhol in the '70s.

129. Peter, we are not going to New York!

130. Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift.

131. And I'm gonna do everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed.

132. Then I'm gonna use him to live out my frustrated hopes and dreams.

133. Because that's good parenting. Right, Bing Crosby?

134. That's right. And if your kids give you any lip...

135. you can beat them with a sack of Valencia oranges.

136. It won't leave a bruise and they'll let 'em know who's boss.

137. There's no doubt about it.

138. - But that doesn't sound right. - Are you giving me lip, boy?

139. Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down on you!

140. - Is that what you want? How's that? - Knock it off!

141. Get away from me, you dead crooner!

142. Hi. This is David Leisure.

143. You probably remember me as the neighbor from TV's Empty Nest.

144. No? How about those car commercials when I played Joe Isuzu?

145. The guy who lied?

146. Come on! Those were popular! They ran all the time!

147. All right, look, just buckle up. Can I get my check now?

148. Oh, kids. Look at that man over there! Grabbing his crotch! So alive, this city!

149. - Central Park! - There's the Empire State Building!

150. - There's a hot dog cart! - Chris, don't spoil your appetite.

151. New York has some of the best restaurants in the world.

152. They even have Indian food here. Not the... kind, but the... kind.

153. Welcome to the Big Apple, fella.

154. Make sure there's a Wall Street Journal next to the changing table.

155. And send a masseuse up. Legitimate!

156. Hey, waiter. The name's Peter Griffin.

157. My son will be the best thing to happen to New York...

158. since Mayor Giuliani had all the homeless people killed.

159. And all I gotta do is paint!

160. Hey, you guys have any bellhops that are rats like the Muppets?

161. Mom, can we go see a Broadway play tonight?

162. Count me out. I'll never go to the theater with Peter again.

163. "Remember when you were younger...

164. "... Uncle Vanya used to spend whole nights translating books for you?

165. "Uncle Vanya and I worked without rest, afraid to spend a kopeck on ourselves."

166. What the hell is this?

167. For crying out loud! Somebody throw a pie!

168. Screw the theater.

169. Mr. Monatti invited us to a party so Chris can meet a bunch of artists.

170. It's at the Museum of Modern Art.

171. I hope that's not some kind of museum!

172. Mapplethorpe? I thought he just did photography.

173. No. Early on, he did caricatures.

174. Okay, Tim. Who's your favorite sports star?

175. Reggie Jackson.

176. I'm gonna draw him pooping on your chest. What number is he?

177. Welcome. Chris, there are a number of artists here I would like you to meet.

178. Let's talk turkey, Monatti.

179. Look, we've been here all day. Chris isn't a famous artist yet!

180. Creating art takes a lot of training and technique.

181. All the great artists I knew took classes.

182. Even Walt Disney?

183. Do I have to?

184. You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off!

185. Yeah, that's nice.

186. Art school?

187. We don't have time. Chris, give me your ear!

188. Peter!

189. Mr. Griffin, please.

190. I invited you so that Chris could make an impression on the art community.

191. Why don't you folks do some sightseeing?

192. If you leave Chris in my hands...

193. the name Griffin will be as well known as Kandinsky.

194. - Who? - Rembrandt?

195. - Who? - Da Vinci?

196. - Who? - Bazooka Joe?

197. There you go.

198. The United Nations.

199. I wish Chris could see this.

200. Isn't it inspiring how so many different cultures can come together?

201. And use up all the towels in the men's room!

202. Peter!

203. Sorry.

204. Man, these things never get 'em completely dry.

205. Where's Stewie?

206. Hidden missile silos behind the Great Wall!

207. Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

208. Mr. Monatti, shouldn't I be painting now?

209. Trust me. Painting is the least important thing about being a successful artist.

210. You need an image.

211. Let's take this Rhode Island lump of clay and turn it into the toast of New York.

212. I love toast!

213. Cut it short and tint it green, the color of money.

214. And boogers.

215. I feel like we've been walking in circles.

216. I don't know how you can find anything in this city.

217. It's so confusing.

218. Well, I bet if Hillary Clinton becomes senator, she'll straighten it out...

219. even though she could never straighten out Bill.

220. I love when you use topical humor. It's just like watching Murphy Brown.

221. Hey, Murphy, blah-blah-blah...

222. John Sununu.

223. Murphy, blah-blah-blah...

224. Tipper Gore.

225. Hey, Murph, you can't blah-blah-blah-blah...

226. the Ayatollah.

227. Blah-blah, Bishop Desmond Tutu, blah-blah.

228. Shouldn't my mom and dad be here by now?

229. They called and said they'd rather wander through Soho...

230. looking for an address that doesn't exist.

231. That's my dad.

232. - Well, maybe tomorrow we could— - There's Kate Moss.

233. Where? I don't see her.

234. Are you The Matrix?

235. Kate, this is my newest discovery, Christobel.

236. - My name's Chris. - Not anymore.

237. Christobel will look better in Interview magazine.

238. Nice to meet you. I love artists.

239. Oops. A crack in the floor!

240. Hey, Lois, give me a penny.

241. - You're not gonna throw it over the edge? - No.

242. Yes.

243. Christobel, I've just scheduled your first exhibit!

244. Wow! I can't wait to tell my dad.

245. Yes. I know how important your success is to your father.

246. That's why he'll understand that you can never see him again.

247. Yeah. Of course he will. Dad's very...

248. What?

249. Christobel, the art world is a place of culture and breeding.

250. Your father is... Oh, dear. How can I say this without upsetting you?

251. Your dad is a pig!

252. So you see? It's up to you, son.

253. If you don't want to disappoint your dad, you must keep him away.

254. There's my boy. Hey, come on.

255. Let's go over to Barneys and fart in the suits.

256. All right, Dad, I...

257. I mean...

258. I can't see you anymore.

259. What are you talking about? You're my son.

260. Mr. Griffin, he's going to be a

261. great artist. He now belongs to the public.

262. And apparently I'm dating Kate Moss.

263. Don't say anything bad about her, because she might be here right now.

264. Wait a minute. You can't just push me aside.

265. I made you! And I can destroy you!

266. Goddamn. They must've put it in the wrong baby.

267. Bobby Williams, I'd love to go out with you.

268. I can't believe Chris.

269. If I hadn't used his painting to patch that window...

270. he'd still be in that dump in Quahog.

271. That "dump" is our home.

272. Dump? So now you're too good for us, too?

273. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Chris, not you!

274. Are you so selfish you can't see that?

275. Yes, I am.

276. Peter, your son is using his talents to pursue his dream.

277. I have no son! Except for Stewie...

278. and Meg!

279. "I had a dream

280. "It's all about you

281. "Meg Griffin

282. "Not much you can do

283. "Meg Griffin

284. "You can't dance

285. "You can't sing

286. "No, you pretty much can't do a thing

287. "Never fear, Daddy's here

288. "Honey, you're gonna make our name famous

289. "You'll be larger than life

290. "I'll be proud you fell out of my wife

291. "You'll be known, far and wide

292. "Like that princess who died

293. "I'm gonna make you famous

294. "Wait and see

295. "Honey, I'm gonna do this for you

296. "But it's really for me"

297. Fine. If Chris doesn't need me, I don't need him.

298. You're gonna love being famous, Meg. And this is the town to do it in.

299. I don't know, Dad. What am I gonna do?

300. Everybody's good at something.

301. It's just a matter of finding that one special hidden talent.

302. But promise me, when you make it big,

303. you'll let me take advantage of all the...

304. I can't think of anything. I guess I don't have any talent.

305. Come on. Think harder. There's gotta be something you can do.

306. - That's amazing! - Thanks.

307. I roomed with Scott Hamilton at prep school.

308. Nothing happened.

309. No. I mean that bird just came to Meg when she whistled.

310. No, those are just my bird calls.

311. Do it again!

312. Yeah?

313. Well, what did you want?

314. - You called me, right? - No. I wasn't calling you.

315. This is funny to you? Yeah?

316. You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town this time of day?

317. Listen, mister, we don't want any trouble here.

318. I don't fly, you know. I take the subway like everybody else.

319. And people don't stare.

320. You make me puke, bitch.

321. Mr. Monatti, I don't feel like painting. I want to see my dad.

322. Listen, Christobel.

323. I've sunk $5,000 turning you into a New York bohemian.

324. All you have to do is paint. Now, get busy.

325. I have to go oil up and start squeezing into my leather pants. Excuse me.

326. Jeez, Kate, what should I do?

327. I don't know. You're the flavor of the month.

328. Oops. Window open.

329. - I'm going over there! - No.

330. - I'm gonna go over there and punch her! - No.

331. This is humiliating.

332. Hey, it's show business, baby. You gotta start somewhere.

333. No, I don't. I quit!

334. Now wait just a minute, young lady. Don't you walk away from me!

335. Hey! Don't you start running!

336. Wait, Meg! Get off that bus.

337. Don't you go to La Guardia.

338. Meg, listen to me. Don't you dare get on that plane.

339. Don't you shell out $5 for headphones for Magnolia.

340. Okay, now I'm pissed.

341. - Well, thank God that's over. - Yeah.

342. Hey, you want to go crap on the Statue of Liberty?

343. I've lived here my whole life, and I've never been there!

344. I've never been to the Empire State Building.

345. Boy, we're a pair, aren't we?

346. Unbelievable. Let's go.

347. Chris!

348. - Hey, you guys made it! - Of course.

349. We wouldn't miss your big day.

350. Wait a second.

351. I don't see any strippers passing out free tacos!

352. Lois, you lied to me!

353. Is Dad mad at me?

354. He just doesn't understand.

355. I know artists have to make sacrifices and...

356. My God! Are you Kate Moss?

357. Well, for someone with no breasts, you've done very well for yourself.

358. Good for you.

359. 1541...

360. Michelangelo unveils the Sistine Chapel.

361. 1886...

362. Seurat completes La Grande Jatte.

363. 1940...

364. Georgia O'Keeffe paints a lot of flowers

365. that look suspiciously like vaginas.

366. But in the new millennium...

367. there is only Christobel.

368. Hey, that's not art! Amateur!

369. Hey, that's my dad!

370. Except for that one. That's my dad if he were a cat.

371. He's the whole reason I'm here.

372. Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for these eyesores.

373. I guess I was wrong about you. You're no artist.

374. You're just a no-talent punk!

375. Now hold on a second!

376. You can talk to my daughter that way, but not my son! Now apologize!

377. The hell I will!

378. You owe me for all the money I invested in your worthless son!

379. All right. Well, here's a little something in return.

380. Work of art?

381. Or container of crazy purple knockout gas?

382. Dad, I'm sorry I'm not gonna be a famous artist you can mooch off of.

383. And I'm sorry I have no talent.

384. That's okay, kids.

385. So I don't have my name on an amusement park.

386. And maybe I'll never be famous.

387. But I got three wonderful children and a wife that loves me.

388. That's right.

389. I guess when it comes right down to it, you're a pretty lucky...

390. My sentiments exactly!

391. Come on, Griffins. Let's go home.

392. Hey, watch where you're going!

393. This child is beautiful! I must have him!

394. You mean like Gina Gershon beautiful, or beautiful beautiful?

395. This is heterosexual fashion designer, Calvin Klein.

396. I've been looking everywhere for a face to launch my new line of diapers.

397. And I think I found it.

398. Well, Bob Funland may have his name on a sign...

399. but only a Griffin has this.

400. Yeah!

401. Workin' it. Make me want it.

402. Baby! I'm gonna sex you up, baby!

403. I'm going to sex you up so crazy!

404. You're loving this, aren't you?