1. Where's Brian? Breakfast is getting cold.Copy !req
2. In tonight's episode...Copy !req
3. the part of Brian the Dog
will be played by Carter Banks.Copy !req
4. - Here I am. Sorry I—
- Camera Two.Copy !req
5. Sorry, I overslept.Copy !req
6. Yes. Do you want breakfast?Copy !req
7. Or would you rather
chew on your own ass as usual?Copy !req
8. I'm sure you have
something to say to that.Copy !req
9. Oh, God. Sorry.Copy !req
10. Can you give me the line again?
Not the whole line. Just the end.Copy !req
11. Let's cut!Copy !req
12. You're sleeping with which producer?Copy !req
13. God! As soon as my movie deal kicks in,
I am such a ghost!Copy !req
14. "It seems today that all you seeCopy !req
15. "is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
16. "But where are those good,
old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
17. "on which we used to rely?Copy !req
18. "Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
19. "Lucky there's a man who'll
positively tell youCopy !req
20. "all the things that make usCopy !req
21. "laugh 'n' cryCopy !req
22. "He's a family guy"Copy !req
23. You can take off your blindfold now.
We're almost there.Copy !req
24. Not yet.
I don't want to ruin my birthday surprise.Copy !req
25. Then at least let me drive!Copy !req
26. Lois, you know it's illegal
for women to drive.Copy !req
27. A woman driving. That's adorable.Copy !req
28. Peter, I don't think...Copy !req
29. Peter, please! I'm begging you!
Stop the car!Copy !req
30. We're here! Thank God.Copy !req
31. Bob's Funland and Putt Putt Golf?Copy !req
32. The grownup in me
likes the prospect of fun.Copy !req
33. But the kid in me is suicidal
over what a fat bastard I'll become!Copy !req
34. Happy birthday!Copy !req
35. I can't believe it!
Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe!Copy !req
36. Who are you?Copy !req
37. I'm the guy whose car
you just slammed into!Copy !req
38. Lois, you invited everyone!Copy !req
39. Excuse me. Excuse me.Copy !req
40. My friend is differently abled.
May he go ahead of you?Copy !req
41. Of course.Copy !req
42. Frontsies, backsies, backsies, backsies.Copy !req
43. Well, hello.Copy !req
44. You must be this beautiful
to ride the Quagmire.Copy !req
45. Careful, Joe!
Kiss off! Yeah!Copy !req
46. Your father.Copy !req
47. Sometimes I don't think he'll be happy
until he's completely paralyzed.Copy !req
48. How deliciously evil looking!Copy !req
49. It's like something out of Stephen King!Copy !req
50. Okay. For my 307th book...Copy !req
51. this couple is attacked by a...Copy !req
52. lamp monster!Copy !req
53. You're not even trying anymore, are you?Copy !req
54. When can I have it?Copy !req
55. A lot.Copy !req
56. A 10-gauge.
I've never handled one of these before.Copy !req
57. Ah! Yes!Copy !req
58. "This is my rifle,
this is my gunCopy !req
59. This is for fighting, this is for fun"Copy !req
60. Oh, dang.
Now I hate windmills even more.Copy !req
61. Let me give you a little tip, pallie.Copy !req
62. The shortest distance
between two points is...Copy !req
63. the full-body English,
high-arcing rainbow shot.Copy !req
64. I know what you're thinking.Copy !req
65. Sir, I'm gonna have to ask
your party to leave.Copy !req
66. You've caused nothing but trouble
since you got here!Copy !req
67. Perhaps we should just continue the party
at some other type of location.Copy !req
68. No. Wait. I know this guy.
We went to high school together.Copy !req
69. We did?Copy !req
70. He was a loser then,
and he's a loser now.Copy !req
71. We used to kid this guy all the time.Copy !req
72. Bob misses his mommy!
Bob misses his mommy!Copy !req
73. We're not going just because
some pissant tells us to.Copy !req
74. - I demand to see the owner!
- That's me. I'm Bob Funland.Copy !req
75. You own this whole place?Copy !req
76. That's right! This place is my legacy!Copy !req
77. So what have you done with your life,
you jerk?Copy !req
78. I'm Neptune, God Of The Sea!Copy !req
79. I sink ships and conjure up storms!Copy !req
80. No, you're not. I am.
And you know nothing of my work.Copy !req
81. Look at this, Lois. See? Right here.
I was voted Most Likely To Succeed.Copy !req
82. Peter, that's not you.Copy !req
83. That's not even a yearbook.
That's a People magazine.Copy !req
84. I wondered why they had
the wrong picture and name.Copy !req
85. Can't we just enjoy
the rest of your birthday?Copy !req
86. Look. It says,
"Happy Birthday, Daddy. Love, Stewie."Copy !req
87. Let me see that! Did you forge my name?Copy !req
88. Is that backward "S" supposed to be cute?Copy !req
89. I'm going to crap double for you tonight!Copy !req
90. Face it, Lois. I'm a nobody.Copy !req
91. Why can't I be famous like Bob?
Or my cousin, Kathy Griffin?Copy !req
92. Okay. Then I got on Suddenly Susan.
And that was really cool.Copy !req
93. And I still do standup.
And people laugh and give me money.Copy !req
94. Isn't this great catching up?
Anyway, I was in college—Copy !req
95. She's still talking.Copy !req
96. I don't get it. I poured it in her drink.Copy !req
97. His name was Steve Rock.
It was cool.Copy !req
98. He was my first black man.Copy !req
99. Oh, boy.Copy !req
100. But I went everywhere!Copy !req
101. Don't be depressed, Dad.
Here. I made you a present.Copy !req
102. My God! It's good. Really good.Copy !req
103. It's partly an expression
of my teenage angst.Copy !req
104. But mostly it's a moo cow!Copy !req
105. It's lovely, Chris.Copy !req
106. Go ahead, Peter. Make a wish.Copy !req
107. I'd sell my soul to be famous!Copy !req
108. I got a live one! Peter Griffin.
Sorry, Chief.Copy !req
109. Seems he already sold his soul
in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets.Copy !req
110. And again in 1981 for half a Mallomar.Copy !req
111. Aw, heck!
Where's a lawyer when I need one?Copy !req
112. Don't forget this!
Maybe you could hang it in your office.Copy !req
113. Son, I'll put it someplace
where everyone can see it.Copy !req
114. Excuse me. I'll give you $1,000
for what you have in the back there.Copy !req
115. $1,000 for a bumper sticker?Copy !req
116. No, no. I mean that painting.Copy !req
117. I must have it for my gallery in Soho.
I'll give you $5,000. What do you say?Copy !req
118. I say...Copy !req
119. I love you, you freakin' son of mine!Copy !req
120. I got $5,000 for that painting
you made me!Copy !req
121. But I painted that just for you.Copy !req
122. Don't feel bad, Chris.
I didn't even want it.Copy !req
123. Now we all get a trip to New York...Copy !req
124. because Mr. Monatti
thinks you could be a famous artist.Copy !req
125. Monatti? Antonio Monatti?Copy !req
126. You've heard of this man?Copy !req
127. He's only the biggest art dealer
in New York.Copy !req
128. I met him when I was hanging out
with Andy Warhol in the '70s.Copy !req
129. Peter, we are not going to New York!Copy !req
130. Lois, our son has been blessed
with a great gift.Copy !req
131. And I'm gonna do everything I can to
nurture that talent and help him succeed.Copy !req
132. Then I'm gonna use him to live out
my frustrated hopes and dreams.Copy !req
133. Because that's good parenting.
Right, Bing Crosby?Copy !req
134. That's right.
And if your kids give you any lip...Copy !req
135. you can beat them
with a sack of Valencia oranges.Copy !req
136. It won't leave a bruise
and they'll let 'em know who's boss.Copy !req
137. There's no doubt about it.Copy !req
138. - But that doesn't sound right.
- Are you giving me lip, boy?Copy !req
139. Because I'll take this belt off
and put the smack-down on you!Copy !req
140. - Is that what you want? How's that?
- Knock it off!Copy !req
141. Get away from me, you dead crooner!Copy !req
142. Hi. This is David Leisure.Copy !req
143. You probably remember me
as the neighbor from TV's Empty Nest.Copy !req
144. No? How about those car commercials
when I played Joe Isuzu?Copy !req
145. The guy who lied?Copy !req
146. Come on! Those were popular!
They ran all the time!Copy !req
147. All right, look, just buckle up.
Can I get my check now?Copy !req
148. Oh, kids. Look at that man over there!
Grabbing his crotch! So alive, this city!Copy !req
149. - Central Park!
- There's the Empire State Building!Copy !req
150. - There's a hot dog cart!
- Chris, don't spoil your appetite.Copy !req
151. New York has some
of the best restaurants in the world.Copy !req
152. They even have Indian food here.
Not the... kind, but the... kind.Copy !req
153. Welcome to the Big Apple, fella.Copy !req
154. Make sure there's a Wall Street Journal
next to the changing table.Copy !req
155. And send a masseuse up. Legitimate!Copy !req
156. Hey, waiter. The name's Peter Griffin.Copy !req
157. My son will be the best thing
to happen to New York...Copy !req
158. since Mayor Giuliani
had all the homeless people killed.Copy !req
159. And all I gotta do is paint!Copy !req
160. Hey, you guys have any bellhops
that are rats like the Muppets?Copy !req
161. Mom, can we go see
a Broadway play tonight?Copy !req
162. Count me out. I'll never go
to the theater with Peter again.Copy !req
163. "Remember when you were younger...Copy !req
164. "... Uncle Vanya used to spend whole
nights translating books for you?Copy !req
165. "Uncle Vanya and I worked without rest,
afraid to spend a kopeck on ourselves."Copy !req
166. What the hell is this?Copy !req
167. For crying out loud!
Somebody throw a pie!Copy !req
168. Screw the theater.Copy !req
169. Mr. Monatti invited us to a party
so Chris can meet a bunch of artists.Copy !req
170. It's at the Museum of Modern Art.Copy !req
171. I hope that's not some kind of museum!Copy !req
172. Mapplethorpe?
I thought he just did photography.Copy !req
173. No. Early on, he did caricatures.Copy !req
174. Okay, Tim.
Who's your favorite sports star?Copy !req
175. Reggie Jackson.Copy !req
176. I'm gonna draw him pooping
on your chest. What number is he?Copy !req
177. Welcome. Chris, there are a number
of artists here I would like you to meet.Copy !req
178. Let's talk turkey, Monatti.Copy !req
179. Look, we've been here all day.
Chris isn't a famous artist yet!Copy !req
180. Creating art takes a lot
of training and technique.Copy !req
181. All the great artists
I knew took classes.Copy !req
182. Even Walt Disney?Copy !req
183. Do I have to?Copy !req
184. You want to be a star, don't you?
Then take it off!Copy !req
185. Yeah, that's nice.Copy !req
186. Art school?Copy !req
187. We don't have time.
Chris, give me your ear!Copy !req
188. Peter!Copy !req
189. Mr. Griffin, please.Copy !req
190. I invited you so that Chris could make
an impression on the art community.Copy !req
191. Why don't you folks do some sightseeing?Copy !req
192. If you leave Chris in my hands...Copy !req
193. the name Griffin
will be as well known as Kandinsky.Copy !req
194. - Who?
- Rembrandt?Copy !req
195. - Who?
- Da Vinci?Copy !req
196. - Who?
- Bazooka Joe?Copy !req
197. There you go.Copy !req
198. The United Nations.Copy !req
199. I wish Chris could see this.Copy !req
200. Isn't it inspiring how so many
different cultures can come together?Copy !req
201. And use up all the towels
in the men's room!Copy !req
202. Peter!Copy !req
203. Sorry.Copy !req
204. Man, these things
never get 'em completely dry.Copy !req
205. Where's Stewie?Copy !req
206. Hidden missile silos
behind the Great Wall!Copy !req
207. Ancient Chinese secret, huh?Copy !req
208. Mr. Monatti, shouldn't I be painting now?Copy !req
209. Trust me. Painting is the least important
thing about being a successful artist.Copy !req
210. You need an image.Copy !req
211. Let's take this Rhode Island lump of clay
and turn it into the toast of New York.Copy !req
212. I love toast!Copy !req
213. Cut it short and tint it green,
the color of money.Copy !req
214. And boogers.Copy !req
215. I feel like
we've been walking in circles.Copy !req
216. I don't know how you can
find anything in this city.Copy !req
217. It's so confusing.Copy !req
218. Well, I bet if Hillary Clinton becomes
senator, she'll straighten it out...Copy !req
219. even though she could
never straighten out Bill.Copy !req
220. I love when you use topical humor.
It's just like watching Murphy Brown.Copy !req
221. Hey, Murphy, blah-blah-blah...Copy !req
222. John Sununu.Copy !req
223. Murphy, blah-blah-blah...Copy !req
224. Tipper Gore.Copy !req
225. Hey, Murph,
you can't blah-blah-blah-blah...Copy !req
226. the Ayatollah.Copy !req
227. Blah-blah, Bishop Desmond Tutu,
blah-blah.Copy !req
228. Shouldn't my mom and dad
be here by now?Copy !req
229. They called and said they'd rather
wander through Soho...Copy !req
230. looking for an address
that doesn't exist.Copy !req
231. That's my dad.Copy !req
232. - Well, maybe tomorrow we could—
- There's Kate Moss.Copy !req
233. Where? I don't see her.Copy !req
234. Are you The Matrix?Copy !req
235. Kate, this is my newest discovery,
Christobel.Copy !req
236. - My name's Chris.
- Not anymore.Copy !req
237. Christobel will look better
in Interview magazine.Copy !req
238. Nice to meet you. I love artists.Copy !req
239. Oops. A crack in the floor!Copy !req
240. Hey, Lois, give me a penny.Copy !req
241. - You're not gonna throw it over the edge?
- No.Copy !req
242. Yes.Copy !req
243. Christobel, I've just scheduled
your first exhibit!Copy !req
244. Wow! I can't wait to tell my dad.Copy !req
245. Yes. I know how important
your success is to your father.Copy !req
246. That's why he'll understand
that you can never see him again.Copy !req
247. Yeah. Of course he will. Dad's very...Copy !req
248. What?Copy !req
249. Christobel, the art world
is a place of culture and breeding.Copy !req
250. Your father is... Oh, dear.
How can I say this without upsetting you?Copy !req
251. Your dad is a pig!Copy !req
252. So you see? It's up to you, son.Copy !req
253. If you don't want to disappoint your dad,
you must keep him away.Copy !req
254. There's my boy. Hey, come on.Copy !req
255. Let's go over to Barneys
and fart in the suits.Copy !req
256. All right, Dad, I...Copy !req
257. I mean...Copy !req
258. I can't see you anymore.Copy !req
259. What are you talking about?
You're my son.Copy !req
260. Mr. Griffin, he's going to be aCopy !req
261. great artist.
He now belongs to the public.Copy !req
262. And apparently I'm dating Kate Moss.Copy !req
263. Don't say anything bad about her,
because she might be here right now.Copy !req
264. Wait a minute.
You can't just push me aside.Copy !req
265. I made you! And I can destroy you!Copy !req
266. Goddamn.
They must've put it in the wrong baby.Copy !req
267. Bobby Williams,
I'd love to go out with you.Copy !req
268. I can't believe Chris.Copy !req
269. If I hadn't used his painting
to patch that window...Copy !req
270. he'd still be in that dump in Quahog.Copy !req
271. That "dump" is our home.Copy !req
272. Dump? So now
you're too good for us, too?Copy !req
273. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
for Chris, not you!Copy !req
274. Are you so selfish you can't see that?Copy !req
275. Yes, I am.Copy !req
276. Peter, your son is using his talents
to pursue his dream.Copy !req
277. I have no son! Except for Stewie...Copy !req
278. and Meg!Copy !req
279. "I had a dreamCopy !req
280. "It's all about youCopy !req
281. "Meg GriffinCopy !req
282. "Not much you can doCopy !req
283. "Meg GriffinCopy !req
284. "You can't danceCopy !req
285. "You can't singCopy !req
286. "No, you pretty much can't do a thingCopy !req
287. "Never fear, Daddy's hereCopy !req
288. "Honey, you're gonna make
our name famousCopy !req
289. "You'll be larger than lifeCopy !req
290. "I'll be proud you fell out of my wifeCopy !req
291. "You'll be known, far and wideCopy !req
292. "Like that princess who diedCopy !req
293. "I'm gonna make you famousCopy !req
294. "Wait and seeCopy !req
295. "Honey, I'm gonna do this for youCopy !req
296. "But it's really for me"Copy !req
297. Fine. If Chris doesn't need me,
I don't need him.Copy !req
298. You're gonna love being famous, Meg.
And this is the town to do it in.Copy !req
299. I don't know, Dad. What am I gonna do?Copy !req
300. Everybody's good at something.Copy !req
301. It's just a matter of finding
that one special hidden talent.Copy !req
302. But promise me, when you make it big,Copy !req
303. you'll let me take
advantage of all the...Copy !req
304. I can't think of anything.
I guess I don't have any talent.Copy !req
305. Come on. Think harder.
There's gotta be something you can do.Copy !req
306. - That's amazing!
- Thanks.Copy !req
307. I roomed with Scott Hamilton
at prep school.Copy !req
308. Nothing happened.Copy !req
309. No. I mean that bird just came to Meg
when she whistled.Copy !req
310. No, those are just my bird calls.Copy !req
311. Do it again!Copy !req
312. Yeah?Copy !req
313. Well, what did you want?Copy !req
314. - You called me, right?
- No. I wasn't calling you.Copy !req
315. This is funny to you? Yeah?Copy !req
316. You know what a pain in the ass it is
to get across town this time of day?Copy !req
317. Listen, mister,
we don't want any trouble here.Copy !req
318. I don't fly, you know.
I take the subway like everybody else.Copy !req
319. And people don't stare.Copy !req
320. You make me puke, bitch.Copy !req
321. Mr. Monatti, I don't feel like painting.
I want to see my dad.Copy !req
322. Listen, Christobel.Copy !req
323. I've sunk $5,000
turning you into a New York bohemian.Copy !req
324. All you have to do is paint.
Now, get busy.Copy !req
325. I have to go oil up and start squeezing
into my leather pants. Excuse me.Copy !req
326. Jeez, Kate, what should I do?Copy !req
327. I don't know.
You're the flavor of the month.Copy !req
328. Oops. Window open.Copy !req
329. - I'm going over there!
- No.Copy !req
330. - I'm gonna go over there and punch her!
- No.Copy !req
331. This is humiliating.Copy !req
332. Hey, it's show business, baby.
You gotta start somewhere.Copy !req
333. No, I don't. I quit!Copy !req
334. Now wait just a minute, young lady.
Don't you walk away from me!Copy !req
335. Hey! Don't you start running!Copy !req
336. Wait, Meg! Get off that bus.Copy !req
337. Don't you go to La Guardia.Copy !req
338. Meg, listen to me.
Don't you dare get on that plane.Copy !req
339. Don't you shell out $5 for headphones
for Magnolia.Copy !req
340. Okay, now I'm pissed.Copy !req
341. - Well, thank God that's over.
- Yeah.Copy !req
342. Hey, you want to go crap
on the Statue of Liberty?Copy !req
343. I've lived here my whole life,
and I've never been there!Copy !req
344. I've never been to
the Empire State Building.Copy !req
345. Boy, we're a pair, aren't we?Copy !req
346. Unbelievable. Let's go.Copy !req
347. Chris!Copy !req
348. - Hey, you guys made it!
- Of course.Copy !req
349. We wouldn't miss your big day.Copy !req
350. Wait a second.Copy !req
351. I don't see any strippers
passing out free tacos!Copy !req
352. Lois, you lied to me!Copy !req
353. Is Dad mad at me?Copy !req
354. He just doesn't understand.Copy !req
355. I know artists have to
make sacrifices and...Copy !req
356. My God! Are you Kate Moss?Copy !req
357. Well, for someone with no breasts,
you've done very well for yourself.Copy !req
358. Good for you.Copy !req
359. 1541...Copy !req
360. Michelangelo unveils
the Sistine Chapel.Copy !req
361. 1886...Copy !req
362. Seurat completes La Grande Jatte.Copy !req
363. 1940...Copy !req
364. Georgia O'Keeffe
paints a lot of flowersCopy !req
365. that look suspiciously like vaginas.Copy !req
366. But in the new millennium...Copy !req
367. there is only Christobel.Copy !req
368. Hey, that's not art! Amateur!Copy !req
369. Hey, that's my dad!Copy !req
370. Except for that one.
That's my dad if he were a cat.Copy !req
371. He's the whole reason I'm here.Copy !req
372. Ladies and gentlemen,
I apologize for these eyesores.Copy !req
373. I guess I was wrong about you.
You're no artist.Copy !req
374. You're just a no-talent punk!Copy !req
375. Now hold on a second!Copy !req
376. You can talk to my daughter that way,
but not my son! Now apologize!Copy !req
377. The hell I will!Copy !req
378. You owe me for all the money I invested
in your worthless son!Copy !req
379. All right.
Well, here's a little something in return.Copy !req
380. Work of art?Copy !req
381. Or container of crazy purple knockout gas?Copy !req
382. Dad, I'm sorry I'm not gonna be
a famous artist you can mooch off of.Copy !req
383. And I'm sorry I have no talent.Copy !req
384. That's okay, kids.Copy !req
385. So I don't have my name
on an amusement park.Copy !req
386. And maybe I'll never be famous.Copy !req
387. But I got three wonderful children
and a wife that loves me.Copy !req
388. That's right.Copy !req
389. I guess when it comes right down to it,
you're a pretty lucky...Copy !req
390. My sentiments exactly!Copy !req
391. Come on, Griffins. Let's go home.Copy !req
392. Hey, watch where you're going!Copy !req
393. This child is beautiful! I must have him!Copy !req
394. You mean like Gina Gershon beautiful,
or beautiful beautiful?Copy !req
395. This is heterosexual
fashion designer, Calvin Klein.Copy !req
396. I've been looking everywhere for a face
to launch my new line of diapers.Copy !req
397. And I think I found it.Copy !req
398. Well, Bob Funland may have
his name on a sign...Copy !req
399. but only a Griffin has this.Copy !req
400. Yeah!Copy !req
401. Workin' it. Make me want it.Copy !req
402. Baby! I'm gonna sex you up, baby!Copy !req
403. I'm going to sex you up so crazy!Copy !req
404. You're loving this, aren't you?Copy !req