1. "It seems today that all you seeCopy !req
2. "is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
3. "but where are those good,
old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
4. "on which we used to rely?Copy !req
5. "Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
6. "Lucky there's a man who'll
positively tell youCopy !req
7. "all the things that make usCopy !req
8. "laugh 'n' cryCopy !req
9. "He's a family guy"Copy !req
10. I say, Rupert, these crumpets
you've prepared look positively divine!Copy !req
11. Excellent texture, provocative support.
Try another, you say?Copy !req
12. Aren't I the wicked one?Copy !req
13. Stewie, I've told you before,
don't eat dirt. It's disgusting.Copy !req
14. And I suppose the bilious curds
you force-fed me from your teat...Copy !req
15. were perfectly fine then?Copy !req
16. - Glen, would you mind holding Stewie?
- Said and done.Copy !req
17. Hey there, spud with the mud.Copy !req
18. Good Lord! Do you bathe in Aqua Velva?Copy !req
19. Hi. You've got our votes.
Thank you, Cleveland.Copy !req
20. Someone has to run against
that awful Betsy Lebeau.Copy !req
21. She actually opposes background checks
for new teachers!Copy !req
22. God knows who she might hire.Copy !req
23. So the square of a hypotenuse,
which we will label C...Copy !req
24. making the sides opposite both of the
acute angles A and B...Copy !req
25. always equals the sum
of the squares of the other sides.Copy !req
26. Any questions?Copy !req
27. It's just something I have to do.Copy !req
28. Even if winning means spending time
out of the house and away from my family.Copy !req
29. Out of the house? Why, I'd be free
from your oppressive gynocracy!Copy !req
30. You should be out giving speeches,
shaking hands, kissing babies!Copy !req
31. Not this baby!Copy !req
32. Lois, you seen my pants?Copy !req
33. Boy, I'll be glad when
that studio audienceCopy !req
34. moves out of the neighborhood.Copy !req
35. Lois, what's with the sign?Copy !req
36. Peter, we discussed this.
I'm running for School Board.Copy !req
37. You never listen to me.Copy !req
38. Yeah, I remember.
Hey, Cleveland. Hey, Quagmire.Copy !req
39. Lois, what's with the sign?Copy !req
40. You guys? Chris' principal just called.
Chris is in trouble.Copy !req
41. That's it! I'm calling the cops!Copy !req
42. Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid
I have bad news.Copy !req
43. I caught your son peeking
into the girls' locker room.Copy !req
44. Oh, Chris!Copy !req
45. So what's the big deal? It's normal
for a boy his age to be curious.Copy !req
46. I remember when I first noticed
girls starting to develop.Copy !req
47. Welcome to
eighth grade orientation, everyone.Copy !req
48. Locker assignments will be handed out
in the library after lunch period.Copy !req
49. If you have any questions
about your locker assignments...Copy !req
50. or your class schedule, please come...Copy !req
51. We'll continue this discussion
tonight, young man.Copy !req
52. A woman is not an object.Copy !req
53. Your mother is right, son.
Listen to what it says.Copy !req
54. - Peter!
- I didn't say that.Copy !req
55. Lee Majors did.Copy !req
56. What? Women are things.Copy !req
57. Oh, my God! It's Mr. Fargas!Copy !req
58. He was my favorite teacher!Copy !req
59. Take out your scalpels, kids.
We're going to dissect a clown!Copy !req
60. No wonder this clown died.
His lungs are filled with candy!Copy !req
61. Why don't you go say hello?Copy !req
62. I'm gonna drop off some campaign flyers
in the teachers' lounge.Copy !req
63. Hey, Mr. Fargas!
It's me, Peter Griffin!Copy !req
64. Griffin. Sorry, not on the list.Copy !req
65. Don't you remember me?
I was your favorite student.Copy !req
66. You taught me everything. Math, science.Copy !req
67. You even taught me how
to dance just in time for the prom.Copy !req
68. Peter, you start like this.Copy !req
69. Like this?Copy !req
70. Yeah. Now add a little turn
and do a buck and wing.Copy !req
71. Come on, Mr. Fargas,
do the whole darn thing.Copy !req
72. Jeez, Mr. Fargas, what happened to you?
Somebody give you a fun-ectomy?Copy !req
73. No, they gave me these
by order of the School Board.Copy !req
74. They said it evens me out.Copy !req
75. Sorry to fly off the handle.
Here, let me see that.Copy !req
76. That's what I think about you taking
chill pills from the Man.Copy !req
77. Look, the old Farg made learning fun.
He's what these kids need.Copy !req
78. Now get back in that classroom
and teach your "Fargin"' ass off.Copy !req
79. Don't come in! Just a minute!Copy !req
80. Chris, your mother wants me and you
to have a talk.Copy !req
81. No!Copy !req
82. I was going for a new record.Copy !req
83. Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us
to look at naked girls.Copy !req
84. Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers.Copy !req
85. Hello, neighbor.Copy !req
86. But peeping can be dangerous,
so I brought you this.Copy !req
87. - Wow! Miss December!
- Yep, the old skin bin.Copy !req
88. Now you can look at naked girls
all you want and it's perfectly legal!Copy !req
89. Wow, check out the rack on... Mom?Copy !req
90. Give me that!Copy !req
91. Just a little present your mom gave me
for our anniversary.Copy !req
92. All right, Dad!Copy !req
93. Hey, Dad. Thanks.Copy !req
94. Mom, if you get elected
can you fix it so I win Homecoming Queen?Copy !req
95. Honey, of course I can.Copy !req
96. But winning without honor
isn't really winning at all.Copy !req
97. - Isn't that right, Milli?
- No, it's just as good.Copy !req
98. "Baby"Copy !req
99. What's the use? You're right.Copy !req
100. Cease this prattling!Copy !req
101. This campaign literature must be posted
today to get you into office...Copy !req
102. and out of my life,
you festering strumpet!Copy !req
103. Hey, you guys.
Lois, you running for School Board?Copy !req
104. Look, Chris' school is on TV.Copy !req
105. The egg drop, an annual tradition
for junior-high-school science students.Copy !req
106. Today at Buddy Cianci Junior High,
an egg drop conducted by teacher...Copy !req
107. Randall Fargas seems to have gone
horribly wrong.Copy !req
108. We now go live to Action News 5
Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa.Copy !req
109. Tom, the eggs being dropped behind me
are not chicken eggs...Copy !req
110. but those of the endangered
California condor.Copy !req
111. Welcome back, Fargas.Copy !req
112. Oh, my God. He's gonna wipe
that species off the face of the earth!Copy !req
113. No, Lois. The janitor'll do that.Copy !req
114. I'm getting word
that the Quahog School Board...Copy !req
115. has just dismissed Randall Fargas,
ending his 32-year teaching career.Copy !req
116. - What? They can't do that!
- Peter, the man is obviously unbalanced.Copy !req
117. In other news, Betsy Lebeau,
School Board President candidate...Copy !req
118. announced today she's pulling out
of the race.Copy !req
119. Lebeau's withdrawal leaves housewife,
Lois Griffin, running unopposed.Copy !req
120. My goodness! I win by default!Copy !req
121. Great. You can get Mr. Fargas
his job back.Copy !req
122. I'm sorry! But I do have a mind of my own!Copy !req
123. And I happen to agree
with the School Board's decision.Copy !req
124. I know you're a feminist
and I think that's adorable...Copy !req
125. but this is grown-up time
and I'm the man.Copy !req
126. I'm not giving that lunatic his job back
and that's final.Copy !req
127. Lois, I can't let you deprive our children
of a fine teacher like Mr. Fargas.Copy !req
128. I'm gonna stop you the only way I can...Copy !req
129. by killing you...Copy !req
130. in the race for School Board President!Copy !req
131. Peter, are you sure running against Lois
is such a good idea?Copy !req
132. You know how competitive you get.Copy !req
133. I can be just as non-competitive
as anybody.Copy !req
134. Matter of fact,
I'm the most non-competitive. So I win.Copy !req
135. Come on, you can't even handle
losing at checkers.Copy !req
136. King me.Copy !req
137. Look over there!
What?Copy !req
138. Peter, since when do you care
about the School Board?Copy !req
139. Lois, Mr. Fargas is getting a bum rap...Copy !req
140. and if running against you
is the only way to get him back...Copy !req
141. then I am gonna run
like the Six Million Dollar Man.Copy !req
142. We can rebuild him.Copy !req
143. We have the technology,
but I don't want to spend a lot of money.Copy !req
144. Fine, if you feel that strongly,
then by all means run.Copy !req
145. But I'm warning you, I'm not gonna
pull any punches on the issues.Copy !req
146. I'm Lois.Copy !req
147. Look at me with my big ideas
and my pointy nose.Copy !req
148. This'll be even easier
than running unopposed.Copy !req
149. Is that so?Copy !req
150. Not only am I gonna win this election...Copy !req
151. I am gonna eat your nose.Copy !req
152. See you on the campaign trail.Copy !req
153. Oh, my. Look where my hand is.Copy !req
154. I say, look where my hand is!Copy !req
155. It's in a very naughty place.Copy !req
156. Does that not disgust you?Copy !req
157. You're talking to a guy
who uses his tongue for toilet paper.Copy !req
158. Now look here, you loathsome cur!Copy !req
159. The matron of prattle
has left me in your ward.Copy !req
160. You should be striving to thwart
my noisome misdeeds.Copy !req
161. Look at me.
I'm writing profanity on the wall!Copy !req
162. Water-soluble.Copy !req
163. Don't just sit there! I have misbehaved!
I've been a bawdy little monkey!Copy !req
164. If that vile woman were here,
she'd prove a worthy adversary.Copy !req
165. What's the matter?
Miss your mommy?Copy !req
166. Yes, that's it. That's quite good.
Yes, I miss my mommy.Copy !req
167. - I also miss colic and rectal thermometry.
- Whatever you say, Mama's boy.Copy !req
168. Blast!Copy !req
169. Hey, Chris! Hector found two rocks outside
that look like boobs! You in?Copy !req
170. Who needs rocks when you got these?Copy !req
171. - Check it out!
- Wow!Copy !req
172. Vote for Peter Griffin!Copy !req
173. Look at all of Lois' signs!Copy !req
174. Talk about seeing red.Copy !req
175. Peter, I'm concerned that your candidacy
may have become a lost cause.Copy !req
176. The debate is tonight and you don't seem
to have any supporters.Copy !req
177. Don't sweat it, the Griffin men
have always been winners...Copy !req
178. dating back to my diminutive
great-grandfather, Juarez Griffin.Copy !req
179. Fellas, the debate's in the bag,
all right?Copy !req
180. If there's one thing I can do,
it's play to a crowd.Copy !req
181. Lois Griffin, daughter of shipping
industrialist, Carter Pewterschmidt...Copy !req
182. and passive-aggressivist,
Barbara Pewterschmidt.Copy !req
183. Tonight she takes on
her greatest challenge, Peter Griffin...Copy !req
184. Quahog's native son, self-described
Huguenot, don't know what that means...Copy !req
185. and community activist.Copy !req
186. Go, Dad.Copy !req
187. He can't hear you.Copy !req
188. Go, Dad!Copy !req
189. So fasten your seat belts.
We're just minutes away...Copy !req
190. from Lois versus Peter,
Griffin versus Griffin...Copy !req
191. on Monday Night Debate, y'all!Copy !req
192. "Of suns and worlds I nothing hadCopy !req
193. to say I see mankind's
self-torturing pains"Copy !req
194. No! You're doing it wrong!Copy !req
195. When you read Faust...Copy !req
196. you're supposed to do Mephistopheles
in a scary voice like this!Copy !req
197. Is that the way Mommy reads it?
I do not miss that ogress.Copy !req
198. She can burn in hell
for all I care!Copy !req
199. Sure she can.Copy !req
200. Damn!Copy !req
201. "I've grown accustomed to her faceCopy !req
202. "She almost makes the day beginCopy !req
203. "I've grown accustomed to the tune
that she whistles night and noonCopy !req
204. "Her smiles, her frowns,
her ups, her downsCopy !req
205. "are second nature to me nowCopy !req
206. "Like breathing out and breathing inCopy !req
207. "I'm very grateful she's a womanCopy !req
208. "and so easy to forget,
rather like a habit one can always breakCopy !req
209. "And yet,
I've grown accustomed to her looksCopy !req
210. "Accustomed to her voiceCopy !req
211. "Accustomed to herCopy !req
212. "face"Copy !req
213. Damn you all!Copy !req
214. Mr. Griffin,
your opening statement, please.Copy !req
215. Okay, I'm Peter Griffin. Vote for me.Copy !req
216. - Is that it?
- No, this is it.Copy !req
217. This is life, the one you get,
so go and have a ball...Copy !req
218. because the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum.Copy !req
219. What might be right for you,
may not be right for some.Copy !req
220. You take the good, you take the bad...Copy !req
221. you take them both, and there you have
my opening statement.Copy !req
222. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.Copy !req
223. Okay. Mrs. Griffin?Copy !req
224. As a piano teacher, I know how
difficult the education process can be.Copy !req
225. That's why, if I'm elected, I promise
to fight for competent teachers...Copy !req
226. a better-funded music department
and updated textbooks...Copy !req
227. that don't refer to the
Civil Rights Movement as "trouble ahead."Copy !req
228. Mr. Griffin, your response?Copy !req
229. Maybe something about education?Copy !req
230. I have always cared deeply
about young people.Copy !req
231. As a rich college-bound student, I once
joined some underprivileged youths...Copy !req
232. in saving a community center
from being converted into a shopping mall.Copy !req
233. Peter, that wasn't you.Copy !req
234. That was Adolpho Shabba-Doo
in Breakin' II: Electric Boogaloo.Copy !req
235. You watched it last night.Copy !req
236. So you're calling me a liar?Copy !req
237. I'm gonna take the highroad
and stick to the issues.Copy !req
238. The children of Quahog
are our greatest treasure.Copy !req
239. They deserve a school board president who
doesn't leave their feminine ointments...Copy !req
240. in the fridge next to the mustard!
That was the worst hot dog I ever ate!Copy !req
241. Yeah, she flosses in bed,
she snores like a wildebeest—Copy !req
242. Thank you, Mr. Griffin.
We now move on—Copy !req
243. Wait a second, blow dryer,
I'm not done yet.Copy !req
244. She freed Willie Horton,
nailed Donna Rice—Copy !req
245. - Peter, that's enough!
- Eats babies.Copy !req
246. Peter, Peter.
Just a minute. Listen to me, please!Copy !req
247. This election
is about our children's future.Copy !req
248. So ask yourself...Copy !req
249. what kind of future
will it be if you electCopy !req
250. a man who has never taught a student...Copy !req
251. or even been to a PTA meeting.Copy !req
252. This is a man who believes the plural
of "goose" is "sheep"!Copy !req
253. I'm the right person for the job.
Vote for me.Copy !req
254. Lois!Copy !req
255. Wait, I'm not done.Copy !req
256. Peter! Come on! Stop.
Shut up! You guys shut up!Copy !req
257. I didn't enjoy humiliating Peter,
but what choice did I have?Copy !req
258. That's okay, Lois. I enjoyed it.Copy !req
259. As soon as the polls close,
we can put all this ugliness behind us.Copy !req
260. Lois Griffin is a slut.
What?Copy !req
261. Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.Copy !req
262. I grew up in this town.Copy !req
263. Quahog needs a moral,
upstanding school board president.Copy !req
264. Someone we can trust.Copy !req
265. A lot of nasty things
have been said during this campaign.Copy !req
266. But pictures are better than words...Copy !req
267. because some words are
big and hard to understand.Copy !req
268. But here's something
everyone can understand!Copy !req
269. Do you really want your children's future
in the hands of this?Copy !req
270. I know I don't.Copy !req
271. Paid for by the Peter Griffin
for School Board President Committee.Copy !req
272. Sorry, Lois.Copy !req
273. "Lewd,"obscene,"
and "a little blurry"...Copy !req
274. just some of the words used to describe
Lois Griffin's prurient pic.Copy !req
275. - Good morning. I'm Tom Tucker.
- And I'm Diane Simmons.Copy !req
276. Yesterday, voters
overwhelmingly declared...Copy !req
277. that Lois Griffin
is not the kind of personCopy !req
278. they want running their schools.Copy !req
279. Her husband, Peter Griffin,
was elected by a landslide.Copy !req
280. What a great day! I just want to say...Copy !req
281. I am so freaking wasted!Copy !req
282. Splendid.
How delightful to have mother back.Copy !req
283. I heard that.
Damn!Copy !req
284. Don't feel bad, Mom.
All my friends think you're hot!Copy !req
285. They can't believe I came out of you!Copy !req
286. Lois, I got a joke for you.Copy !req
287. How many losers
does it take to make me breakfast?Copy !req
288. Just one! You!Copy !req
289. I'm just kidding. French toast, please.Copy !req
290. Don't even talk to me, Peter.
You humiliated your own wife!Copy !req
291. And for what? To get that crazy
Mr. Fargas back in the classroom?Copy !req
292. Who?Copy !req
293. Peter, I cared about our schools.Copy !req
294. All you cared about
was some stupid competition.Copy !req
295. Winning was only half the battle.Copy !req
296. If you blow this chance to do something
good for our kids...Copy !req
297. you'll be the biggest loser!Copy !req
298. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
299. Peter Griffin is no loser!
When I'm through with our schools...Copy !req
300. our students'll be so smart
they'll be able to program their VCRs...Copy !req
301. without spilling piping hot gravy
all over myself.Copy !req
302. This is Trisha Takanawa, here
with School Board President Peter Griffin.Copy !req
303. Mr. President, you've accomplished
so much in just a few short weeks.Copy !req
304. Thanks, Connie. I'm very excited about
our progress in revamping our schools.Copy !req
305. For starters,
we're making sex education more fun.Copy !req
306. "Vagina junction, what's your function?Copy !req
307. "Taking in sperm and spitting out babies"Copy !req
308. And our schools are the safest around...Copy !req
309. thanks to the hall monitor XL-K.
Halt! Present hall pass!Copy !req
310. Right here.
Second request. Present pass.Copy !req
311. But... Right here!
Security breach!Copy !req
312. I guess Little Miss Free Spirit will think
twice before roaming the halls.Copy !req
313. I've restocked
our school library...Copy !req
314. with books of some
of our greatest movies and TV shows.Copy !req
315. Because if we don't teach our kids
to read,Copy !req
316. how will they ever know what's on?Copy !req
317. Mr. Griffin, this is impressive.Copy !req
318. I've never seen kids
so enthusiastic about reading.Copy !req
319. Thank you. That's what you voted for.Copy !req
320. Hey, son, show the folks at home
what you got there.Copy !req
321. Good Lord! That's a dirty magazine!Copy !req
322. That's mine... Shaft.Copy !req
323. There might be a mineshaft
under this library.Copy !req
324. All these kids are looking at pornography!Copy !req
325. What kind of pervert
gave you kids this filth?Copy !req
326. Chris Griffin. He got it from his dad.Copy !req
327. There's quite a crowd outside.Copy !req
328. I haven't witnessed pandemonium like this
since Ridiculous Day down at the deli...Copy !req
329. when prices were so low
they were ridiculous.Copy !req
330. You said it, pally.
That's why I brought in the big guns.Copy !req
331. Say "how do" to the Ragin' Cajun,
Mr. James Carville.Copy !req
332. Oh, God. Oh, jeez!Copy !req
333. Did somebody open
the Ark of the Covenant?Copy !req
334. Now see, Peter, what you gotta do is
you gotta declare war! War!Copy !req
335. Your only chance
of surviving this scandal...Copy !req
336. is to claim that Lois
gave your boy the pornography.Copy !req
337. And he's right.
Pin it on the old ball and chain.Copy !req
338. I can't do that.
Lois is mad enough at me without...Copy !req
339. I'm sorry. I can't look at you!Copy !req
340. I mean, I can handle ugly.
But this is like circus ugly.Copy !req
341. Lois, I need your help. You gotta come
to my press conference this afternoon.Copy !req
342. Lois, I could lose my presidency!Copy !req
343. Too bad! I've already lost more than that!Copy !req
344. Not my rainbow socks
with the individual toes?Copy !req
345. No. I've lost my respect for you.Copy !req
346. Because I need those socks.Copy !req
347. We now take you live
to Peter Griffin Junior High...Copy !req
348. where embattled School Board PresidentCopy !req
349. Peter Griffin is fighting
for his political life.Copy !req
350. Throw the bum out!Copy !req
351. Mom, what are you doing here?
I thought you were mad at Dad.Copy !req
352. I am.
I just came to see him twist in the wind.Copy !req
353. Are you and Dad gonna get a divorce?Copy !req
354. Oh, honey. Maybe.Copy !req
355. "A parent giving porno to their kid
is a terrible thing...Copy !req
356. "... but I'm here to tell you
that I'm innocent!"Copy !req
357. Oh, yeah. Right.Copy !req
358. "I didn't give those magazines to my son.Copy !req
359. "My wife, Lois..."Copy !req
360. Lois!Copy !req
361. Crap. Look, my wife, Lois, is the most
important person in the world to me.Copy !req
362. I gave my son those magazines.Copy !req
363. Even worse, I turned a beautiful gift from
Lois into something cheap and tawdry.Copy !req
364. I just wanted to win so bad.Copy !req
365. Now I know that some things
are more important than winning.Copy !req
366. Lois, I only hope you can find it
in your heart to forgive me.Copy !req
367. Oh, Peter!Copy !req
368. So you're saying you're not only
a bad father, but a bad husband, too?Copy !req
369. Have you the moral authority to lead?Copy !req
370. Yes. No. And, screw it. I resign.Copy !req
371. There's the President,
First Lady Lois.Copy !req
372. Now boarding the helicopter.Copy !req
373. And so ends a dark and shameful chapter
in the history of Quahog, Rhode Island.Copy !req
374. One which leaves this reporter asking:Copy !req
375. How much moral bankruptcy and
perversion must we, the people, endure?Copy !req
376. Next up, stay tuned for our
special investigative report...Copy !req
377. on "The Clitoris:
Nature's Rubik's Cube."Copy !req
378. Welcome back, Fargas.
Thank you.Copy !req
379. Welcome back, Farg.
Much obliged.Copy !req
380. Halt. Present hall pass.
Excuse me?Copy !req
381. Second request.
Present hall pass.Copy !req