1. "It seems today that all you seeCopy !req
2. "is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
3. "But where are those good,
old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
4. "on which we used to rely?Copy !req
5. "Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
6. "Lucky there's a man who'll
positively tell youCopy !req
7. "all the things that make usCopy !req
8. "laugh 'n' cryCopy !req
9. "He's a family guy"Copy !req
10. Mother, this hot dog has been
on my plate for a full minute...Copy !req
11. and it hasn't yet cut itself.Copy !req
12. Honey, I'll be right there.Copy !req
13. By all means, take your time.Copy !req
14. When you do finally get around to it,
I'll be the one covered in flies...Copy !req
15. with a belly that protrudes
halfway to bloody Boston!Copy !req
16. Mom, there is no way I'm sleeping
in Chris' room this weekend!Copy !req
17. It smells like old milk in there!Copy !req
18. If I could find it, I'd clean it up!Copy !req
19. Kids, keep it down.Copy !req
20. I haven't even told your father
that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visit.Copy !req
21. Who said Marguerite?
Peter, it's just for a week.Copy !req
22. A week! No. Please, God, kill me now.Copy !req
23. Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a—Copy !req
24. Peter!Copy !req
25. Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear.Copy !req
26. Do you swear to tell the whole truth...Copy !req
27. and nothing but the truth,
so help you God?Copy !req
28. I do. You bastard.Copy !req
29. I love Aunt Marguerite.Copy !req
30. Because if it wasn't for her,
I never would've met you, Peter.Copy !req
31. Aunt Marguerite,
have you seen my towel?Copy !req
32. Have the towel boy bring you another.Copy !req
33. I don't want to bother him.Copy !req
34. Nonsense, dear. You're a Pewterschmidt.
Towel boy!Copy !req
35. Hi, my name is towel.
I have a Peter for you.Copy !req
36. My name is Peter.
I'll be your nipples... Towel boy!Copy !req
37. Oh, jeez.Copy !req
38. Okay, everyone.Copy !req
39. Give Aunt Marguerite
a big Griffin family welcome.Copy !req
40. Aunt Marguerite!Copy !req
41. Lois!Copy !req
42. Oh, my God! She's dead!Copy !req
43. Whoa!
Be careful what you wish for, huh, Lois?Copy !req
44. What if they bury her and she
wakes up because she wasn't really dead...Copy !req
45. she was only sleeping?Copy !req
46. Yeah. That's what happened
to our big brother Jimmy.Copy !req
47. That's why Mom and Dad adopted you.Copy !req
48. What?Copy !req
49. Peter, you remember Coco,
my friend from Newport?Copy !req
50. Peter, I almost didn't recognize you
without a towel on your arm.Copy !req
51. Lois, where are your parents?
Don't tell me they're still on safari.Copy !req
52. You know Daddy.Copy !req
53. He won't rest until he kills something
on every continent.Copy !req
54. But I'm hoping they'll be back
in time for Christmas.Copy !req
55. It just wouldn't be Christmas
without your parents.Copy !req
56. I dropped my watch.Copy !req
57. Would you be a sport and fetch it for me?Copy !req
58. Sure thing, Mr. Pewterschmidt.Copy !req
59. Peter, we've got to put that out!Copy !req
60. I'm telling you, Brian, nothing changes.Copy !req
61. These bluebeards still treat me like scum
'cause I'm not loaded.Copy !req
62. I got news for them.
I'm as elegant as anyone in this room.Copy !req
63. We have to meet
with Aunt Marguerite's lawyer tomorrow.Copy !req
64. She left us something in her will.Copy !req
65. Holy crap!
You sweet old broad, I love you!Copy !req
66. Oh, my God. She's dead.Copy !req
67. Madam Pewterschmidt's passing
has saddened us all.Copy !req
68. Yeah, it's a real tragedy.Copy !req
69. What did we get? Come on, big money!
No whammy! Stop!Copy !req
70. Peter, please! I'm sorry.
He's stricken with grief.Copy !req
71. Before she passed,
your aunt recorded a message for you.Copy !req
72. Newport, Rhode Island...Copy !req
73. home of New England's
most elegant and historic estates...Copy !req
74. the Breakers, Rosecliff,
and exquisite Cherrywood Manor...Copy !req
75. the palatial mansion
of Marguerite Pewterschmidt.Copy !req
76. Marguerite is a shining example of how
people with a lot of money...Copy !req
77. are just plain better than
everyone else.Copy !req
78. Lois, you were always
my favorite niece.Copy !req
79. I just knew you'd find a wonderful man...Copy !req
80. who would make
all your dreams come true.Copy !req
81. But I was wrong.Copy !req
82. And now you're dead. Score one for Peter.Copy !req
83. It's time you started living
like a Pewterschmidt.Copy !req
84. That's why I'm giving you
my summer home in Newport.Copy !req
85. Cherrywood?
That's so generous of Aunt Marguerite.Copy !req
86. Our own summerhouse!Copy !req
87. Now I feel bad for doing that thing
with her toothbrush.Copy !req
88. "We only live to kiss your ass"Copy !req
89. Kiss it? We'll even wipe it for you.Copy !req
90. "From here on in, it's Easy Street"Copy !req
91. - Any bars on that street?
- 24 happy hours a day.Copy !req
92. Oh, boy.Copy !req
93. "We'll stop Jehovahs at the gate"Copy !req
94. Can I see that pamphlet, sir?Copy !req
95. "My God, this house is freakin' sweetCopy !req
96. "I make brunch, Clive cooks lunchCopy !req
97. "each and every dayCopy !req
98. "Chocolate cake à la BlakeCopy !req
99. "Hundred bucks, Blake is gayCopy !req
100. "We'll do the best we can with Meg"Copy !req
101. Are you saying I'm ugly?Copy !req
102. It doesn't matter, dear. You're rich now.Copy !req
103. "We'll do your nails and rub your feet"Copy !req
104. That's not necessary. Oh, my.Copy !req
105. "We'll do your homework every night"Copy !req
106. It's really hard.Copy !req
107. That's why we got
that Steven Hawking guy.Copy !req
108. "My God, this house is freakin' sweetCopy !req
109. "I used to pass lots of gasCopy !req
110. "Lois ran awayCopy !req
111. "Now we've got 30 roomsCopy !req
112. "Hello, beans, good-bye, sprayCopy !req
113. "We'd take a bullet just for you"Copy !req
114. What a coincidence. I've got one.Copy !req
115. Stewie!Copy !req
116. "Prepare to suck that golden teatCopy !req
117. "Now that you're stinking richCopy !req
118. "we'll gladly be your bitchCopy !req
119. "My God, this house isCopy !req
120. "freakin' sweet"Copy !req
121. Welcome!Copy !req
122. That's a wrap, people.
Let's get the hell out of here.Copy !req
123. Wait. Where are you going?Copy !req
124. The old bag only paid us up
through the song.Copy !req
125. We can just pick up after ourselves.Copy !req
126. After all, we'll only be here on weekends.Copy !req
127. No, Lois.Copy !req
128. It's time you started living
like the Piece of Schmidt you are.Copy !req
129. That's "Pewterschmidt"!Copy !req
130. Wait, you guys.Copy !req
131. You're all hired to be
full-time Griffin servants.Copy !req
132. Peter, where are we gonna get the money
to pay all these people?Copy !req
133. Simple. I sold our house in Quahog.Copy !req
134. You sold our home?Copy !req
135. Surprise!Copy !req
136. Peter, how could you?Copy !req
137. Whoops.Copy !req
138. "I recognize that toneCopy !req
139. "Tonight I sleep aloneCopy !req
140. "But still, this house is freakin' sweet"Copy !req
141. Peter, how could you sell our house
in Quahog without even asking me?Copy !req
142. Honey, this is where you belong.
You deserve a big house and nice stuff.Copy !req
143. Like diamonds.Copy !req
144. But I love our old house.
You have to buy it back.Copy !req
145. It's too late. Our stuff is packed.Copy !req
146. It's on its way here.Copy !req
147. Come on, Lois,
you'll love living in Newport.Copy !req
148. Sure, this house is big,
but it's also very intimate.Copy !req
149. Intimate.Copy !req
150. So we're really gonna live here now?Copy !req
151. That's right, honey.Copy !req
152. I don't know, Peter.Copy !req
153. Please, Mom. Look, there's a pool.Copy !req
154. Yeah. And there's a chair.Copy !req
155. The solarium is at the far end
of the west wing.Copy !req
156. Come play with us, Stewie,
forever and ever and ever.Copy !req
157. Yes. All work and no play
makes Stewie a dull boy.Copy !req
158. Across the hall from the library
we have the billiard room.Copy !req
159. And here we have the lounge.Copy !req
160. Sweet Mary, mother of God! Jackpot!Copy !req
161. What can I get you, sir?Copy !req
162. We have 10 varieties of single malt scotchCopy !req
163. and a wine cellar with
over 10,000 bottles.Copy !req
164. Don't make me beg.Copy !req
165. I did love spending time here
when I was a kid.Copy !req
166. All right, Mom!Copy !req
167. Jonathan and I just returned
from sailing our yacht around the world.Copy !req
168. Funny sailing story.Copy !req
169. A guy's on his boat,
in the middle of the ocean...Copy !req
170. and he sees a little black dog.Copy !req
171. This dog's been swimming for days,
and he stinks like a dead otter.Copy !req
172. Peter, maybe this isn't the place—Copy !req
173. Hang on, Lois.Copy !req
174. So the guy takes the dog into the vet.Copy !req
175. The freakin' vet tells him, get this,
"It's not a dog. It's a rat."Copy !req
176. A big, stinking Mexican rat. True story.Copy !req
177. Dad, that's just an urban legend.Copy !req
178. Hand to God. I'm telling you,
it was a huge freakin' rat.Copy !req
179. Five times as big as that guy's steak.Copy !req
180. Peter, that rat gets bigger
every time you tell this story.Copy !req
181. I got a million of them.Copy !req
182. Like the time my buddy's sister's boss
was drinking with a hooker in a Vegas bar.Copy !req
183. Bam! Woke up without his kidney.Copy !req
184. I can't believe they kicked me
out of the yacht club.Copy !req
185. I barely had time
to stuff Lois' salmon in my jacket.Copy !req
186. Face it, Peter. You have a knack
for saying the wrong thing.Copy !req
187. This sucks.Copy !req
188. Lois' friend "yacht boy" and his lovely
wife "Caca" invited us to some...Copy !req
189. hoity-toity auction tomorrow afternoon.
I don't want to embarrass her again.Copy !req
190. You gotta help me.
Teach me how to be a gentleman.Copy !req
191. Peter, it's not really that hard.
Let's start with polite conversation.Copy !req
192. For example, "It's a pleasure to see you
again. Lovely weather we're having."Copy !req
193. Now you try.Copy !req
194. It's a pleasure to see you again.Copy !req
195. After Hogan's Heroes,
Bob Crane got his skull crushed in...Copy !req
196. by a friend who videotaped him
having rough sex.Copy !req
197. How's that?Copy !req
198. Wow, perfect. My work is done.Copy !req
199. But just for the heck of it,
let's try again.Copy !req
200. More coffee, madam?Copy !req
201. I can get that, Sebastian.Copy !req
202. To tell you the truth, we're all
a little uncomfortable being waited on.Copy !req
203. Cut my egg!Copy !req
204. Your eggs are cut, sir.Copy !req
205. Cut my milk!Copy !req
206. I can't, sir. It's liquid.Copy !req
207. Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it!Copy !req
208. If you question me again,
I'll put you on diaper detail.Copy !req
209. And I promise,
I won't make it easy for you!Copy !req
210. Meg, you're gonna love Newport High.
It has a beautiful campus.Copy !req
211. Filled with beautiful people.
And I'm gonna bag me a rich one.Copy !req
212. Meg, that's a terrible thing to say.Copy !req
213. You should marry someone you love.
That's what I did.Copy !req
214. And he got us kicked out
of the yacht club.Copy !req
215. You can't be mad at your father
for being himself.Copy !req
216. That's the reason I fell in love with him
in the first place.Copy !req
217. He was so different from everyone else.Copy !req
218. Coco,
the day I graduate from Harvard...Copy !req
219. I'm gonna carry you off into the sunset
on a white horse.Copy !req
220. It better be a stretch horse
with leather seats and a chauffeur.Copy !req
221. Isn't she a bit of terrific?Copy !req
222. Kids, if you marry for love,Copy !req
223. your life will be filled with
its own riches.Copy !req
224. Money doesn't buy happiness.Copy !req
225. I beg to differ.Copy !req
226. You!
Bring me The Wall Street Journal!Copy !req
227. You two, fight to the death!Copy !req
228. Okay, Peter, I was hoping I wouldn't
have to resort to shock therapy...Copy !req
229. but your progress has been...Copy !req
230. Who are we kidding?
You haven't made any progress.Copy !req
231. Now the left TV is tuned to Frasier.
The right TV has Ricki Lake.Copy !req
232. If you so much as glance at the right TV,
I'm giving you 10,000 volts.Copy !req
233. Got it.Copy !req
234. You're so corpulent
that when you sit around...Copy !req
235. the magnificently appointed
Tuscan villa...Copy !req
236. you sit around the magnificently
appointed Tuscan villa.Copy !req
237. This is the smartest show on TV.Copy !req
238. Yo, Ricki. That's my girlfriend.
She ain't supposed to be having no penis!Copy !req
239. Master Brian,
do you really believe you canCopy !req
240. pass him off as a gentleman
at the auction?Copy !req
241. We've got a long road ahead.
But I've worked miracles before.Copy !req
242. And the Oscar goes to Marisa Tomei!Copy !req
243. Peter was supposed to meet us here
an hour ago.Copy !req
244. I hope he didn't change his mind.Copy !req
245. Maybe he's already here.Copy !req
246. Maybe he's fitting in so well, we can't
tell him from the other bluebloods.Copy !req
247. I don't think we have to worry about that.Copy !req
248. Lord Peter Lowenbrau Griffin the First.Copy !req
249. Play me down the stairs, boys.Copy !req
250. Good day.Copy !req
251. Enchanté.Copy !req
252. Pasta Fazul.Copy !req
253. Looking good, fellas.Copy !req
254. Brian, do you know anything about this?Copy !req
255. Lois, please. I'm just a dog.
A stupid dog.Copy !req
256. Vodka stinger with a whiskey back.
And step on it!Copy !req
257. Peter, you're simply enchanting.Copy !req
258. You must join us tomorrow
for a game of baccarat.Copy !req
259. Right baccarat at you.Copy !req
260. Brian, what happened to Peter?Copy !req
261. He's not cramming hors d'oeuvres in his
mouth or asking anyone to pull his finger.Copy !req
262. That's not the man I married.Copy !req
263. So, I guess, technically,
that makes you available.Copy !req
264. What?Copy !req
265. Lighten up, toots. It's a party.Copy !req
266. Barkeep,
it's like the damn Sahara over here!Copy !req
267. How you doing, honey?Copy !req
268. Welcome
to the Historical Society Auction.Copy !req
269. Our first item is
a 17th-century gilded vessel.Copy !req
270. We'll start the bidding at $140,000.Copy !req
271. What a marvelous vessel.Copy !req
272. It would look smashing in Lois's crapper.
I mean "crapier".Copy !req
273. You are so right.Copy !req
274. Any woman would love to have that vase
adorn her crapier.Copy !req
275. Jonathan!Copy !req
276. $140,000.Copy !req
277. $150,000.Copy !req
278. Brian, that sounded like Peter.Copy !req
279. Come here, you!Copy !req
280. $160,000.Copy !req
281. $170,000.Copy !req
282. - $180,000.
- $190,000.Copy !req
283. $200,000.Copy !req
284. We have a new record
for the Historical Society!Copy !req
285. The vessel goes to—Copy !req
286. $100 million!Copy !req
287. To Mr. Peter Griffin
for an astonishing $100 million!Copy !req
288. "Money, money, money"Copy !req
289. Peter, we had no idea
you were such a philanthropist.Copy !req
290. It's a fabulous vase, Peter, darling.Copy !req
291. Do you collect objets d'art?Copy !req
292. If that's French for "Star Wars
collectors glasses," then sí.Copy !req
293. Mr. Griffin, you're the most generous man
since Ted Turner.Copy !req
294. I'd like to announce I'm giving a gift
the whole world can appreciate.Copy !req
295. I've colorized the moon.Copy !req
296. Peter, you don't have $100 million!Copy !req
297. Of course I do, my dear.Copy !req
298. Now, would that be cash or check?Copy !req
299. Drop by Cherrywood this evening.Copy !req
300. I'll have the money wired to me
from my Swiss bank account.Copy !req
301. Very good, sir.Copy !req
302. You don't have a Swiss bank account!Copy !req
303. Right.Copy !req
304. My lawyer's advised me
to keep some of my assets a secret...Copy !req
305. in case things don't work out.Copy !req
306. I'm going home. Where's Brian?Copy !req
307. I told this blonde inside I got a 500SL.
Can you help me out?Copy !req
308. I'm sorry. But I've made my decision.Copy !req
309. We're moving back to Quahog
as soon as we can get packed.Copy !req
310. Quahog, that one-horse town?Copy !req
311. Shut up. No, you shut up.Copy !req
312. No, you shut up. You're the one talking.Copy !req
313. There's no one else here.
Everybody just shut up!Copy !req
314. What's that? The wind!Copy !req
315. A pox on Quahog!Copy !req
316. Easy!Copy !req
317. If I ever go back to Quahog, it'll be just
so I can poke poor people with a stick!Copy !req
318. Bon Jovi, everyone.Copy !req
319. Now I remember why I left Newport!Copy !req
320. It changes people.
You kids have lost your values.Copy !req
321. You've lost your mind! And I don't
much care for Stewie's new friends.Copy !req
322. The Pacific Rim economy
is still a tad shaky for my taste.Copy !req
323. Stop it!Copy !req
324. You can't become a bloody
fiscal hermit crab...Copy !req
325. every time the Nikkei undergoes
a correction!Copy !req
326. Asia's market has nowhere to go but up!Copy !req
327. Interesting.Copy !req
328. Indeed.Copy !req
329. I wish we'd never come here
in the first place.Copy !req
330. Go buy yourself some more money.Copy !req
331. Hey, old bean.Copy !req
332. What are you doing
with my Star Wars glass?Copy !req
333. Illustrating a point.Copy !req
334. Peter, when Han Solo took
the Millennium Falcon to Cloud City...Copy !req
335. he saw that Lando Calrissian...Copy !req
336. had turned control of the station
over to Darth Vader.Copy !req
337. Lando had forgotten who he was.Copy !req
338. It was only after Han was
encased in carbonite...Copy !req
339. and taken by Boba Fett
to Jabba's palace...Copy !req
340. that he was able
to see the error of his ways.Copy !req
341. Look inside yourself.Copy !req
342. You're not a Newport millionaire.
I created you.Copy !req
343. In a way, I am your father.Copy !req
344. That's not true! That's impossible.Copy !req
345. Damn it, Peter! Snap out of it!Copy !req
346. No!Copy !req
347. I just had the craziest dream
where I bought a $100 million vase.Copy !req
348. A Mr. Brandywine fromCopy !req
349. the Historical Society
is at the front gate.Copy !req
350. He'll be here in half an hour.Copy !req
351. That wasn't a dream.
He's here for the money.Copy !req
352. Brian, I'm screwed.Copy !req
353. If I welsh on that debt,
I'm gonna prove to everyone...Copy !req
354. that I'm not good enough for Lois.Copy !req
355. If I only had something
worth that much money.Copy !req
356. I never should've dropped
Joe Green's jersey.Copy !req
357. Good game, Mean Joe.
You want some of my Coke?Copy !req
358. Hey, kid. Catch.Copy !req
359. Wow. Thanks, Mean Joe.Copy !req
360. What about this house?Copy !req
361. I could give him the house
and call it even.Copy !req
362. Cherrywood isn't worth $100 million.Copy !req
363. Brian, it's the Historical Society.
We just gotta convince him that...Copy !req
364. $100 million worth of history
happened here.Copy !req
365. So you're saying that Jesus carved
his name into this mantle...Copy !req
366. 51 years before he was born.Copy !req
367. Yeah. He's Jesus. He can do anything.
And look over here.Copy !req
368. That's where the market crashed.
Mr. Griffin!Copy !req
369. You can't take a step in this house
without uncovering something historical.Copy !req
370. Wait a second.Copy !req
371. Could that be Harriet Tubman's
secret underground railroad?Copy !req
372. It is! Go, Freedom Train!Copy !req
373. I've seen enough.Copy !req
374. I happen to know that nothing ofCopy !req
375. historical significance
ever occurred here.Copy !req
376. Please, have our money ready
by tomorrow. Good day!Copy !req
377. Wait!Copy !req
378. Look, this is where the Pilgrims
landed at Fraggle Rock!Copy !req
379. Excuse me, Lord Griffin.Copy !req
380. Your family is going back to Quahog.Copy !req
381. If you get tired of being a snob,
look us up.Copy !req
382. Lord Griffin is dead.
It's just me, Peter the towel boy.Copy !req
383. Peter, you're back! Let's go home!Copy !req
384. We can't. I sold our home.Copy !req
385. Our beautiful home with
the stolen cable...Copy !req
386. and the man with the penis
for a light switch.Copy !req
387. We'll find another place.Copy !req
388. Your Aunt Marguerite is laughing
at me while she's burning in Hell...Copy !req
389. may she rest in peace.Copy !req
390. She was right. Everyone was right.Copy !req
391. I'm not good enough for you.Copy !req
392. Peter, I don't care what anyone
else thinks.Copy !req
393. All that matters is that I love you.Copy !req
394. I love you, too, Lois.Copy !req
395. Lois, our problems are over!Copy !req
396. Our mansion is historical,
all right.Copy !req
397. Cherrywood was America's
first presidential whorehouse!Copy !req
398. See, there's Lincoln, Grant,
Robert E. Lee.Copy !req
399. Those are fake!Copy !req
400. They're real.
And, FYI, Lincoln had the jungle fever.Copy !req
401. So you see,
Chubby Franklin lived across the street.Copy !req
402. Chubby Franklin would always
make a face like this.Copy !req
403. Dad, you're not listening.
I have a serious problem.Copy !req
404. I got a girl pregnant. What do I do?Copy !req
405. And when we saw Chubby Franklin
make his face,Copy !req
406. we would all make this face.Copy !req
407. Oh, God!Copy !req
408. Dad, you never did tell us
how you got our house back.Copy !req
409. Simple. I just offered the people
I sold it to double what they paid.Copy !req
410. What? But how could you afford that?Copy !req
411. I kept one of those Lincoln pictures
and held a little auction of my own.Copy !req
412. Thanks to old Honest Abe we have our
house backCopy !req
413. and I learned a valuable lesson.Copy !req
414. It doesn't matter if your family
doesn't think I'm good enough for you.Copy !req
415. That's right, because all that's important
is that I love you.Copy !req
416. No, because your ancestors were nothing
but a bunch of pimps and whores.Copy !req