1. Ah, the office party.Copy !req
2. Raw broccoli and sheet cake.Copy !req
3. I like when the universe
gives me easy choices.Copy !req
4. Thank you for coming.
If you haven't already,Copy !req
5. please don't forget
to Venmo four dollars to JamesCopy !req
6. for the broccoli and sheet cake.Copy !req
7. And I want to thank Paula
from HR for saving usCopy !req
8. a little money
by squeeze-fartingCopy !req
9. the last three bottles of ranch
dressing onto a paper plate.Copy !req
10. Now, to the man of the hour:
Moses Beauford.Copy !req
11. Moses has been
our night watchmanCopy !req
12. for the last 40 years.Copy !req
13. Paula, I think we're good.Copy !req
14. Today, he is retiring.Copy !req
15. So, please meet and say goodbye
to Moses Beauford.Copy !req
16. Now, I've looked through
all y'all desks.Copy !req
17. Where's Dave Lapoff?Copy !req
18. My man.Copy !req
19. Of course,
with Moses' departure,Copy !req
20. we'll need to begin our search
for a new night watchman.Copy !req
21. And what does the job entail?Copy !req
22. - Sitting.
- And?Copy !req
23. Watching.Copy !req
24. Interesting, but I don't know.Copy !req
25. Hey, what was in Dave's
desk anyway?Copy !req
26. I'll do it.Copy !req
27. You enjoying your walk there,
Brian?Copy !req
28. Good boy, good boy.Copy !req
29. What? I'm walking you,
you're not walking me.Copy !req
30. I'm not the one wearing
a leash, my friend.Copy !req
31. Lot of information on the base
of the pole today.Copy !req
32. That rottweiler up the street
has a UTI.Copy !req
33. Oh, Luna's pregnant!Copy !req
34. Oh, good for her,
I know she's been trying.Copy !req
35. Brian, this pole is AT&T,
not AT&Pee.Copy !req
36. "This pole is AT&T, not AT&Pee.
Potential tweet."Copy !req
37. Hey, check it out:Copy !req
38. a flyer for a missing dog
with a thousand dollar reward.Copy !req
39. All right, so?Copy !req
40. Well, it's just... this dog
kind of looks like me.Copy !req
41. Boy, imagine you paint
a couple spots on my face,Copy !req
42. return me to the owner and
walk off with a thousand bucks.Copy !req
43. Wait. That might actually work.Copy !req
44. Oh, because then you're
just going to liveCopy !req
45. with the missing dog's owner
for the rest of your life?Copy !req
46. Come on, use your head, Brian.Copy !req
47. I wouldn't live with the missing
dog's owner, Stewie.Copy !req
48. I'd sneak out while
they're asleep and come home.Copy !req
49. Then we could split
the money 50-50.Copy !req
50. You know, you may be on to
something here, Brian.Copy !req
51. Damn right I am.Copy !req
52. Ooh, some poor bastard's
got a drinking problem.Copy !req
53. That's your pee.Copy !req
54. Some cool guy
knows how to party.Copy !req
55. Hey, thanks for showing me
around, Moses.Copy !req
56. No problem, Peter.Copy !req
57. First thing's first:Copy !req
58. being a night watchman
is about integrity,Copy !req
59. dedication and muttering things
you wish you'd saidCopy !req
60. to your wife during a fight
earlier that day.Copy !req
61. Who buys a quart of mint chip
ice cream? You buy a pint.Copy !req
62. Mutter, Peter. We mutter.Copy !req
63. Sorry, this is all so new.Copy !req
64. Hey, what's that?Copy !req
65. Oh, every night watchman
has a six-inch portable TVCopy !req
66. broadcasting
a middle-of-the-night,Copy !req
67. sparsely attended
Oakland A's game.Copy !req
68. Welcome back to A's baseball:Copy !req
69. "The biggest 'who cares'
of professional sports."Copy !req
70. Bottom of the fourth now, Tim.Copy !req
71. Which Oakland A is batting next?Copy !req
72. I've said it before and I'll
say it again, Greg...Copy !req
73. who cares.Copy !req
74. Oh, a couple more things, Peter.Copy !req
75. And these are very important.Copy !req
76. First, these are the giant vatsCopy !req
77. that hold all of
the brewery's beer.Copy !req
78. You must protect them
at all costs.Copy !req
79. Whoa.Copy !req
80. Yep, I spent many nights
fantasizing about throwingCopy !req
81. the world's biggest
keg party in here.Copy !req
82. So, Peter, you ready to
become a night watchman?Copy !req
83. Does Dave Lapoff
like giant Latina butts?Copy !req
84. You know he do!Copy !req
85. So I said, Denise,
it's your wedding,Copy !req
86. if you want to have it outdoors,
have it outdoors.Copy !req
87. Did I miss the memo where
the mother of the groomCopy !req
88. is now in charge of the wedding?Copy !req
89. Okay, now just sit tight
for a minute,Copy !req
90. I got to go check on Doris.Copy !req
91. That Doris is a riot.Copy !req
92. 81, she still gets her hair
permed every month.Copy !req
93. Do you know she walks here?Copy !req
94. And she plays golf twice a week
with her sister, who's 90.Copy !req
95. Sharp as a tack, still drives.Copy !req
96. Stewie, are we almost done here?Copy !req
97. I just needed a quick touch-upCopy !req
98. so I can look
like that missing dog.Copy !req
99. We are completely done.Copy !req
100. Brian, say hello to $1,000.Copy !req
101. Wow, Stewie, this is
actually pretty good.Copy !req
102. At cosmetology school,
I was the only oneCopy !req
103. who came back after lunch.Copy !req
104. Cosmetology school:Copy !req
105. we spell "school" with a "U"
for legal reasons.Copy !req
106. And a big hello to all
our night watchman viewersCopy !req
107. on the East Coast.Copy !req
108. Time for you guys to unwrap
that six-hour sandwichCopy !req
109. and listen to me
call foul balls.Copy !req
110. Fouled off. Oh and one.Copy !req
111. Bad guys.Copy !req
112. This is it, Peter.
Remember your training.Copy !req
113. Ah! Take whatever you want!Copy !req
114. Good evening, my good sir.Copy !req
115. We are an all-principal
drinking groupCopy !req
116. called "Principals with Vices."Copy !req
117. "Vice Principals"?Copy !req
118. Ah, so you got it!Copy !req
119. Leonard said no one
would get it.Copy !req
120. You hear that, Leonard?Copy !req
121. Yeah, I heard it.Copy !req
122. Leonard's the principal
of an elementary school,Copy !req
123. which in our world
makes him my "beyotch."Copy !req
124. Anyway, like most principals,Copy !req
125. we stole the driver's ed carCopy !req
126. and have been cruising around
town asking womenCopy !req
127. if we can have
their attention, please.Copy !req
128. They have not given it.Copy !req
129. No, they have not,
other Leonard.Copy !req
130. Two-thirds of all principals
are named Leonard.Copy !req
131. So now it's 2:00 a. m.,
the bars are closed,Copy !req
132. and we are all still
quite divorced.Copy !req
133. Can you provide us
with more alcohol?Copy !req
134. Uh, I don't know,
let me check the rules.Copy !req
135. Oh.Copy !req
136. Aw.Copy !req
137. I don't know why they
wrote the card that way.Copy !req
138. Are you sure you
can't let us in?Copy !req
139. I'll show you a picture
of a naked student.Copy !req
140. That's my son!Copy !req
141. Oh, well, I have others.Copy !req
142. No, that's him again.Copy !req
143. Nope, well, that's also him.Copy !req
144. Okay, these are all Chris.Copy !req
145. How about instead we give you
$20 per beer?Copy !req
146. Whoa, hang on.Copy !req
147. Are you saying
you'll give me cashCopy !req
148. just to let you come in here
and drink after hours?Copy !req
149. You betcha.Copy !req
150. Holy crap, I'm gonna be rich.Copy !req
151. Come on in!Copy !req
152. That was the night a secret
after-hours barCopy !req
153. opened up in the back
of the brewery.Copy !req
154. I'm Chris Griffin.Copy !req
155. Naked photos were taken
of me without my consent,Copy !req
156. and my dad doesn't care.Copy !req
157. Place is packed, Peter.Copy !req
158. Word's really gotten aroundCopy !req
159. about your after-hours
beer operation.Copy !req
160. Thanks, Quagmire.Copy !req
161. It's only the second night,Copy !req
162. and I'm already raking it in.Copy !req
163. Peter, what if you get caught?Copy !req
164. Impossible. I know where all
the security cameras are,Copy !req
165. and we got a massive supply
of beer.Copy !req
166. The only problem is running
this place all by myself.Copy !req
167. You know, we could
probably help out.Copy !req
168. Really? That'll be great.Copy !req
169. - I could even cut you in
on the action.
- I'm down.Copy !req
170. Look, I'm a cop and this
is technically illegal,Copy !req
171. but I suppose I could
turn a blind eyeCopy !req
172. if I were to be put in charge
of the music.Copy !req
173. Done. What kind of music
you thinking?Copy !req
174. My favorite genre: songs that
yell the name of places.Copy !req
175. You want to see
a guy lose his mind?Copy !req
176. Put on Huey Lewis'
"Heart of Rock And Roll."Copy !req
177. That little baby wastes no time.Copy !req
178. It's like,
"Oh, let's just hit playCopy !req
179. on this fun little song."Copy !req
180. "New York! New York!"Copy !req
181. It's sick.Copy !req
182. "Free Fallin'" is a good one.Copy !req
183. That song names a lot of places.Copy !req
184. Oh, sure. If your definition
of "a lot" is three.Copy !req
185. Reseda, Ventura Boulevard,
Mulholland Drive.Copy !req
186. Yeah, not exactly moving
this guy's needle.Copy !req
187. Isn't there four in that song?Copy !req
188. "America" is in the second line.Copy !req
189. Doesn't count. Too general.Copy !req
190. But the chorus in "Kokomo"
where The Beach BoysCopy !req
191. list all the islands
near Kokomo?Copy !req
192. The one where they mention
the singular Bahama?Copy !req
193. You know, not all the Bahamas,
just the one Bahama?Copy !req
194. Oh, baby. Huge needle mover.Copy !req
195. Wow, who knew running a
speakeasy would be so lucrative?Copy !req
196. Yeah, but you guys, now that
we're secretly raking inCopy !req
197. all this cash,
let's promise each otherCopy !req
198. we're not gonna blow it
on mistresses and drug habits.Copy !req
199. Agreed.Copy !req
200. Hey, so quick update...Copy !req
201. Okay, the glory hole kissing
booth is up and running.Copy !req
202. I think that thing's gonna be
a big money-maker!Copy !req
203. Everything in this place
is a big money-maker.Copy !req
204. I know, it's all
going perfectly.Copy !req
205. Well, except Keith
from accountingCopy !req
206. keeps talking about
the guitar in his office,Copy !req
207. hoping somebody'll ask him to—
uhp, he went and got it.Copy !req
208. Yeah, I kind of mess around
a little bit...Copy !req
209. You know, it's not even
so much his singing,Copy !req
210. it's that every song
has a tedious backstory.Copy !req
211. I'll be honest,
this next one I wroteCopy !req
212. during a pretty dark period
in my lifeCopy !req
213. when I was out in the desert,Copy !req
214. staring up at that
star-filled sky.Copy !req
215. This one's called
"Big Blue Marble."Copy !req
216. See, the thing about
the desert is...Copy !req
217. Ugh, God, go home and be
with your newborn, Keith.Copy !req
218. All right, Brian, now remember:
I'm the one who found you,Copy !req
219. and I'm taking you
back to your family.Copy !req
220. Why are you dressed like that?Copy !req
221. People aren't just
going to give a babyCopy !req
222. a thousand dollars, Brian.Copy !req
223. So, I've created a character.Copy !req
224. I'm a construction worker
from "around the way"Copy !req
225. named Bobby Beccorino.Copy !req
226. Yeah, what's up, chief?Copy !req
227. Bobby Beccorino
from around the way.Copy !req
228. How's it hangin'? Me? Probably
stuck to my frickin' thighCopy !req
229. right now 'cause I sweat
so much during construction,Copy !req
230. know what I'm sayin'?Copy !req
231. I'm sorry. Who are you?Copy !req
232. Oh, I'm a whole plate
of pancakes, pal.Copy !req
233. Name's Bobby Beccorino.Copy !req
234. You know, from around the way?Copy !req
235. Oh, my God! Rover!Copy !req
236. Yeah, he was wanderin'
around the siteCopy !req
237. where I do all
my construction stuff.Copy !req
238. Maybe you've seen it,
it's around the way.Copy !req
239. I haven't heard of
a construction site nearby.Copy !req
240. Oh, yeah. It's there.Copy !req
241. Just hop in your car,
drive around the road,Copy !req
242. and when you get to the way?
Go around it.Copy !req
243. Okay, well, thanks for...Copy !req
244. Yeah, ol' Bobby Beccorino
was layin' drywallCopy !req
245. with the boys when
he spotted this idiotCopy !req
246. takin' a big dump
near my bandsaw.Copy !req
247. Okay, sorry, but...
don't you hang drywall?Copy !req
248. Listen up, you little cranberry.Copy !req
249. Bobby Beccorino's
been layin' drywallCopy !req
250. since you were in Pampers!Copy !req
251. Okay! I'm sorry!
Here's your money.Copy !req
252. Nice place you got here...Copy !req
253. Whoa.Copy !req
254. What the hell?Copy !req
255. So, Rover Four,Copy !req
256. you thought you could escape
from Chase's TikTok house?Copy !req
257. Rover Four? TikTok house?Copy !req
258. This weekend I'll use you
for my most dangerousCopy !req
259. and humiliating viral stunt yet.Copy !req
260. And your fate will be that
of Rovers One through Three.Copy !req
261. Then, it'll be time
to find Rover Five.Copy !req
262. Enjoy your last couple
of days alive.Copy !req
263. Last couple days alive?Copy !req
264. Wait, no, no. This is a mix-up.Copy !req
265. Oh, God.Copy !req
266. Coming here was a mistake.Copy !req
267. Like buying that German plunger.Copy !req
268. Ah, das gut! Yah! Yah! Yah!Copy !req
269. I am vurthless!
I am vurthless rubber boy!Copy !req
270. Punish me now!Copy !req
271. We got a problem!
We're out of beer!Copy !req
272. Crap. What are we gonna do?Copy !req
273. Why don't you just use the money
you made to buy more beer?Copy !req
274. Hey, so quick update
about the money...Copy !req
275. Well, that's the last of 'em.Copy !req
276. I can't believe I used up
all the beer, you guys.Copy !req
277. I am in so much trouble.Copy !req
278. Well, well, well...Copy !req
279. Surprised to see me?Copy !req
280. We can't actually see you.Copy !req
281. Yeah, you're still
in the shadows.Copy !req
282. Damn it. Hold on.Copy !req
283. Well, well, well.Copy !req
284. Yeah, still not seeing you, bud.Copy !req
285. Maybe walk forward more?Copy !req
286. I did that, man.
H-How about now?Copy !req
287. Yeah, I think I can see you now.Copy !req
288. - Are your shoes black?
- Brown.Copy !req
289. Okay, yeah, I can't see you.Copy !req
290. Oh, for the love
of Luther Vandross!Copy !req
291. Peter, the truth is, every
night watchman steals beer.Copy !req
292. The key is only stealing
a single bottle a weekCopy !req
293. over 30 years.Copy !req
294. Course, I'm man enough
to admit I ran out of beerCopy !req
295. from a party once
when I first started.Copy !req
296. My plan was to replace it
by robbing a beer truck.Copy !req
297. But I could never find
the right team to pull it off.Copy !req
298. You also didn't have Smash
Mouth's "Walkin' on the Sun."Copy !req
299. I'm sorry. Smash what now?Copy !req
300. Every successful heist
after 1998Copy !req
301. began with Smash Mouth's
"Walkin' on the Sun."Copy !req
302. Yours didn't have it.
Hence, unsuccessful heist.Copy !req
303. Well, that makes no sense.Copy !req
304. - I'm in.
- I'm in.
- I'm in.Copy !req
305. I'm in.Copy !req
306. Well, all right.
Maybe this crew could pull offCopy !req
307. the beer truck heist
I never could.Copy !req
308. Let's do it. Joe's got access
to a police helicopter.Copy !req
309. - And I know how to fly.
- I'll bring the snacks!Copy !req
310. That's the guy we never got.Copy !req
311. We never got the snack guy.Copy !req
312. Chris, have you seen Brian?Copy !req
313. "How are you today, Chris?"Copy !req
314. is a nice way to begin
a conversation.Copy !req
315. I'm sorry. It's just
that he and I had this planCopy !req
316. to make him look
like a missing dogCopy !req
317. and collect reward money.Copy !req
318. But I can't find him anywhereCopy !req
319. and his cell phone
is going to voice mail.Copy !req
320. Chris, you've got
to help me find Brian.Copy !req
321. Hang on, let me get out
my rude little boy translator.Copy !req
322. Oh, you said, "Will you please
help me find Brian?"Copy !req
323. Why, yes, that sounds
lovely, Stewie.Copy !req
324. Okay, Chris. Your agent
said you wanted more scenes.Copy !req
325. These are the scenes.Copy !req
326. Mint Milano? Mint Milano?Copy !req
327. I can't eat those without milk.Copy !req
328. The mother-lovin' Snack Guy.Copy !req
329. This is it, fellas.
Everyone ready?Copy !req
330. Wait...Copy !req
331. Now we're ready.Copy !req
332. What do I do now?Copy !req
333. We call the Weekapaug BreweryCopy !req
334. and redirect the truck
to our brewery.Copy !req
335. Then why the hell did I have to
be on the roof of the— Ah!Copy !req
336. Ah!Copy !req
337. Ah...!Copy !req
338. Way to go, Peter.Copy !req
339. This whole thing was a big
waste of time thanks to you.Copy !req
340. Hey, did anyone unstrap Joe?Copy !req
341. No. We did not.Copy !req
342. Wait, this is where you
dropped Brian off?Copy !req
343. - This is a TikTok house.
- How do you know that?Copy !req
344. Every room in the house
is glowing from ring lights.Copy !req
345. Can I help you?Copy !req
346. We're looking for our dog.Copy !req
347. Dog?Copy !req
348. I think Chase brought a dog
to Dangerous Stunt BeachCopy !req
349. to do a dangerous stunt.Copy !req
350. Oh, no. We got to help him.Copy !req
351. Did you hear that, Stewie?Copy !req
352. Already on your phone?Copy !req
353. The world's up here, Stewie.Copy !req
354. Your mind's a prison,
and only you hold the key.Copy !req
355. All right, Chris. We don't
have much time to find Brian.Copy !req
356. - Maybe we split...
- Oh, my God. Stewie, look!Copy !req
357. Don't worry, Brian!
We're here to save you!Copy !req
358. Stewie! Chris! Help!Copy !req
359. The guy's right over there
with the remote!Copy !req
360. We got you, buddy!Copy !req
361. All right, Chris.
Here's the plan:Copy !req
362. When I give you the signal,
grab the remote,Copy !req
363. take control of the drone,Copy !req
364. and I'll be here to safely
guide Brian ashore. Got it?Copy !req
365. Got it. Wait. What's the signal?Copy !req
366. What?Copy !req
367. The signal. You said
you'd give me a signal.Copy !req
368. What is it?Copy !req
369. You'll know the signal
when you see it.Copy !req
370. Now go!Copy !req
371. Yeah, look. I hate to be
getting into the weeds here,Copy !req
372. but I'm just saying
if I was awareCopy !req
373. of the signal going in,
I might...Copy !req
374. Chris! I don't understandCopy !req
375. why you're making this
into such an issue.Copy !req
376. I mean, it's-it's a signal!Copy !req
377. It-It'll be
an unmistakable signal.Copy !req
378. Okay, see, even you classifying
the signal as "unmistakable"Copy !req
379. presumes there to be various
categories of signals,Copy !req
380. of which I am not
at all aware, mind you...Copy !req
381. Hey! Shut up and get me down!Copy !req
382. Just go.Copy !req
383. Everybody, look! Up in the sky!Copy !req
384. It's a bird!
It's a plane! It's...Copy !req
385. "The Lubed-Up Butt Mutt."Copy !req
386. ALL
Butt Mutt! Butt Mutt! Butt Mutt!Copy !req
387. Oh, my God.
I'm sponsored content.Copy !req
388. Stewie! Give Chris the signal!Copy !req
389. What's wrong with you people?Copy !req
390. I am a hardworking,
accomplished author!Copy !req
391. Brian...Copy !req
392. I am an accomplished author!Copy !req
393. Brian...Copy !req
394. I am an author!
Brian...Copy !req
395. I mostly use my computer
for Bella Thorne's OnlyFans.Copy !req
396. There you go. Proud of you, man.Copy !req
397. Hey, Chris!Copy !req
398. A thumbs-up?Copy !req
399. That's the signal
you couldn't tell me about?Copy !req
400. This is bush league, man.Copy !req
401. Ah!Copy !req
402. Ah!Copy !req
403. Ah! Ah!Copy !req
404. Ah!Copy !req
405. What the deuce?Copy !req
406. We're gonna crash!Copy !req
407. What the hell is this stuff?Copy !req
408. X-Y "Fire and Ice" Jelly.Copy !req
409. Ooh, 'cause it feels
really goo—Copy !req
410. Oh! Too hot! Too hot!Copy !req
411. Ooh, it feels really goo—Copy !req
412. Oh! Too hot! Too hot!Copy !req
413. That's Preston. He's waiting
for me in my office.Copy !req
414. Time to fess up and admit
I'm the reasonCopy !req
415. the brewery's out of beer.Copy !req
416. Well, it's been fun.Copy !req
417. Peter, this is all our faults.Copy !req
418. Let us come with you
and share the blame.Copy !req
419. No, Cleveland.
For once in my life,Copy !req
420. I got to be a man
about somethingCopy !req
421. and take full
and total responsibility.Copy !req
422. Preston!
There's a Black guy outsideCopy !req
423. and he stole all the beer.Copy !req
424. What are you talking
about, Griffin?Copy !req
425. The brewery has plenty of beer.Copy !req
426. How'd it go?Copy !req
427. Well, well, well...Copy !req
428. Moses?Copy !req
429. Surprised to see me?Copy !req
430. Yeah, again, we cannot see you.Copy !req
431. You're really bad at this whole
"emerging from darkness" thing.Copy !req
432. Oh, sweet Patti LaBelle.Copy !req
433. Peter, the brewery has beer
again because I put it there.Copy !req
434. Wait! Are you one of those
magical Black guysCopy !req
435. who helps white people
with their problemsCopy !req
436. and then disappears?Copy !req
437. The kind Hollywood
had no problem makingCopy !req
438. many movies about until
a shockingly recent time?Copy !req
439. No, Peter. I just used every
bottle of beer I stoleCopy !req
440. over the last 30 years
to refill the vats.Copy !req
441. You did?Copy !req
442. I always thought
my retirement dreamCopy !req
443. would be to move to Oakland.Copy !req
444. But man, there's a buttload
of homeless people there.Copy !req
445. But what do you expect given
the laissez-faire politicsCopy !req
446. of a California Democrat
like Gavin Newsom?Copy !req
447. Hey, hey, buddy? Buddy?Copy !req
448. I only talk about
one politician,Copy !req
449. and that's Mayor McCheese.Copy !req
450. Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
451. So, I returned,
refilled the beer,Copy !req
452. and I'm taking my old job back.Copy !req
453. Wow. 30 years' worth
of beer in one night?Copy !req
454. That must have taken a while.Copy !req
455. You know, that works outCopy !req
456. to over 1,500 bottles
of beer on the wall.Copy !req
457. Which reminds me of a song.Copy !req
458. A-one, a-two...Copy !req
459. Damn it, Keith.
Go home to your wife.Copy !req
460. She's totally overwhelmed.
Go on!Copy !req
461. Well,
we learned a lot this week.Copy !req
462. But unfortunately,
we all then diedCopy !req
463. of carbon monoxide poisoning.Copy !req
464. Probably because I took the
batteries out of the detectorCopy !req
465. and put them in an old
Star Tours visor that lights up.Copy !req
466. Was it worth it? I don't know.Copy !req
467. It wasn't so great indoors,Copy !req
468. but it was pretty cool
to wear outside at night.Copy !req
469. Lot of head nods.Copy !req
470. No conversations, but people
are wicked timid after COVID.Copy !req
471. Joe's the one who found us.Copy !req
472. I think he grabbed some stuff
before he called it in.Copy !req
473. I'm gonna miss you, pal.Copy !req
474. - Nice. Star Tours?
- Yeah.Copy !req
475. - When did you...
- Hey, I'd love to chat,Copy !req
476. but I'm a little timid
after COVID.Copy !req