Family Guy 21x16

Directed by Joseph Lee

Jennifer Tilly as Bonnie Swanson (voice) • Gary Cole as Principal Shepherd (voice) • Peter Macon as Preston Lloyd (voice) • Richard Kind as Rabbi Goldstein (voice)

To take advantage of a work policy granting leave in the event of a pet's death, Peter adopts the oldest bird he can find... and realizes it used to belong to Hitler. Meanwhile, after giving Stewie a signed copy of his book, Brian finds it in a free library, causing Brian to give up writing.

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1. Stewie? What are you doing up?

2. Lois had three lattes and a bottle of wine today,

3. so her breast milk was basically a speedball.

4. - You? - I'm writing.

5. The last two months I've really gotten my act together.

6. I stopped drinking, and I'm about to self-publish a book.

7. Ugh. None of the big boys bit, huh?

8. No, it's fine. I'm actually at a point in my life

9. where I don't need external validation.

10. I'm just proud of accomplishing my goal.

11. That's great. I'm happy for you.

12. Even if your privilege is showing.

13. Privilege? I worked hard to...

14. Ooh, white fragility much, Brian?

15. Okay, maybe I've had certain advantages,

16. - but how... - How?

17. It's not our job

18. to solve your problems, pal.

19. - Do the work. - Our?

20. I— Who are you even talking about?

21. Well, not you, you big honky Karen.

22. Ha. I'm just, I'm just riding your jock, Bri.

23. That's amazing you wrote a book.

24. Well, thanks.

25. You know, I'm having a little

26. publishing party on Thursday.

27. I'd love it if you could come.

28. Yeah. Uh, Rupert, do we have anything on Thursday?

29. Okay, then, looks like we're good to go.

30. Awesome. All right, Stewie. I'm gonna go get some shut-eye.

31. Way to think fast, you dope.

32. Now we have to go.

33. You can't?

34. Oh, now you have something on Thursday?

35. Griffin, what are you doing?

36. Oh, hey, Preston, I'm glad you're here.

37. I'm about to test the prototype for "Deskpoline."

38. Oh... Top will need to be bouncy.

39. Anyway, what can I do you for?

40. I'm sorry to say I have some bad news.

41. Well, that was tough to hear, sir,

42. but thanks for giving it to me straight.

43. I haven't even told you yet.

44. Stella will be gone for six weeks.

45. She's taking a bereavement leave.

46. Her husband died?

47. Okay, Peter, you got six weeks to lose 100 pounds

48. and get divorced. Let's do this.

49. No, Peter, it was her cat.

50. Employees now get six weeks to mourn the loss of a pet.

51. It's our way of saying, "Your animal died, so thanks."

52. Wait, hang on, let me get this straight.

53. If your pet dies,

54. you get six weeks off?

55. Yes.

56. Let's see how long you last with no brakes, Brian.

57. Huh, brake's out.

58. Nice try, Peter. Fortunately, you can stop a Prius

59. by cupping the wind.

60. Hello, and welcome to Quahog Books.

61. All we ask is that you please don't see what you want in here

62. and then just order it from Amazon on your phone.

63. And now, reading from his new book Chasing My Tale...

64. Tale is spelled T-A-L-E,

65. not like the thing on my butt.

66. please welcome author Brian Griffin.

67. Thank you so much for being here

68. to celebrate my book being published.

69. - Self-published. - Why are you even here?

70. Just a hunch. Please proceed.

71. "My mother was a huge bitch,

72. "and I lost my virginity at six months old.

73. "Oh, I'm sorry, I should have told you first,

74. "I'm a dog.

75. "So I turned to Fran Lebowitz and said,

76. "'I may have been born in a litter,

77. "but I'm definitely not trash.'

78. "Then she put on my jeans and left.

79. "And so, as the sweet mango flavor

80. "hit my lungs for the last time,

81. "I placed the vape pen on Nelson Mandela's grave

82. "and knew that we were both now,

83. "in a sense, finally free.

84. The beginning." Thank you. Thank you.

85. God, that took forever.

86. I know. I gotta go.

87. The twins have a volleyball game.

88. - There you go, Seamus. - Thanks.

89. I'll put it right on my shelf.

90. Hey, thanks so much for coming, Stewie.

91. Of course. What a night.

92. I mean, most authors wouldn't have read the whole book.

93. I just felt it from the crowd, you know?

94. Anyway, it means everything to have you here,

95. so thanks again.

96. Oh, another hand for Brian Griffin.

97. And if the eight of you could somehow buy

98. a quarter of a million dollars worth of books,

99. tomorrow I won't have to marry a man I've never loved.

100. Thank you.

101. Excuse me, could you please direct me to the

102. "about to die" section?

103. Sure, right this way.

104. We have this snake who's tying himself into a noose,

105. this near-death gerbil... Dibs!

106. And I'll take his cardboard tube, too.

107. I snoozed and I lost.

108. You've heard of a Japanese fighting fish?

109. This is a Japanese honorable suicide fish.

110. He got fired eight months ago and hasn't told his family.

111. He spends all day in a suit riding the train.

112. Too much backstory.

113. We also have a very old parrot.

114. - Or you can kill my mother for money. - What?

115. I said we have a very old parrot.

116. Why, did you hear something else you'd be open to?

117. Family, may I kindly introduce you

118. to our ticket to six weeks bereavement leave

119. in lovely Puerto Vallarta:

120. an 80-year-old parrot.

121. I call him Gonzo, 'cause of The Muppet Show.

122. And also 'cause soon, he gone!

123. Peter, I don't want some elderly bird

124. crapping all over the house.

125. Fine. If I can't have the parrot,

126. you can only have one pink razor in the shower

127. at a time.

128. You can have your bird.

129. Ooh, you smell that, Brian?

130. First fire of the season.

131. It won't be long before the leaves start changing

132. and the sap starts flowing.

133. Let's just look around and take in

134. the pageantry of autumn.

135. Chris, Bonnie's gone to bed.

136. She's not gonna open her curtains again.

137. Just take your dump and let's go.

138. Hey, check it out.

139. A little free library.

140. How white people make giving away their trash

141. seem like generosity.

142. What the... Is this my book?

143. This is the copy I gave to Stewie.

144. Why, did he even bring it home?

145. Is our friendship worth nothing to him?

146. I'm gonna go home and give him—

147. Oh, Bonnie opened her curtains.

148. Ooh!

149. Mmm. Sounds like somebody's having fun.

150. Joe? I thought that was you.

151. Ah, goodness no.

152. Pass me a Michael Crichton. She's gonna be a while.

153. Does this look familiar, Stewie?

154. It's the culmination of my life's work,

155. and it was in the little free library

156. being given away!

157. What? That's so weird, man.

158. - So how'd it end up there? - I don't know.

159. Some liberal cuck Marie Kondo-ed his loft?

160. Well, it's your copy, so you tell me.

161. That's ridiculous. My copy is right here

162. on my book shel— What?

163. - Not there, huh? - No, it isn't.

164. - This is insane. - Oh, is it?

165. Let me check my security footage.

166. Crazy, man. The footage is gone.

167. How did you even know when to check?

168. I didn't tell you when I found it.

169. All the footage is gone.

170. Somebody must have blown a jammy

171. down at central and fried the whole grid.

172. Total zapparino.

173. Just admit you got rid of my book.

174. Brian, not only did I not give away your book,

175. I'm launching an investigation,

176. - and I'm gonna nail the guy who did it. - Uh-huh.

177. And maybe it's more than one guy.

178. Maybe it's a ring.

179. A deep ring I can only penetrate

180. by nailing a bunch of guys.

181. Wait, are you still talking about my book?

182. Oh, yeah. Maybe it's too many guys for me

183. and I have to bring in a private dick.

184. Close the door on your way out, Brian.

185. I need privacy to think about dicks for hire.

186. Thanks, Jerome, but I got this.

187. - Awesome. - Whoa! - So cool.

188. Yeah, you know, I only bought Gonzo just to die

189. and go on vacation,

190. but now we're having the time of our lives.

191. He's like the son I never had.

192. Und du bist wie mein dicker vater!

193. His language is so weird.

194. It sounds like anger, repressed sexuality

195. and a pig being shot by a paintball.

196. - Peter, that's German. - How do you know?

197. I speak German. I went on an exchange trip

198. in high school, and for some reason

199. my parents never bought the airfare back.

200. Cool. We can communicate with him.

201. Joe, ask Gonzo where he's from.

202. Gonzo, woher kommst du?

203. Ich wurde 1942 in D üsseldorf geboren.

204. Mein besitzer hie ß Adolf Hitler.

205. I heard 1942.

206. Peter, he just said his owner was Adolf Hitler.

207. - Well, that can't be right. - Hitler had a what now?

208. Look, it's him.

209. Das bin ich.

210. Icherinneremich daran.

211. He said, "That's me. I remember that."

212. Peter, your bird is a Nazi.

213. That can't be right.

214. Uh, Nazi want a cracker?

215. Nazi want a cracker.

216. Oh, my God, you're right.

217. Wow, good thing you know German, Joe.

218. Yeah, and just so you know, the German culture has

219. very different notions of what's cool to do sexually.

220. So whatever happened over there was completely normal,

221. and I don't think about it during quiet moments.

222. - Joe? - Nein caca! Nein!

223. Ich no m öcshte caca!

224. I mean, uh, crazy about Peter's bird, right?

225. Stewie!

226. - I know you gave my book away. - What is this?

227. Everyone on our street has a ring camera.

228. Hello, I'm back. You guys were right.

229. Murdering strangers is better than paying

230. my credit card bill.

231. Okay, fine, Brian, you caught me.

232. I got rid of the book you forced me to take

233. after you badgered me into coming to your reading.

234. Well, what the hell, Stewie?

235. I sat through your reading, I said congratulations,

236. I took the book.

237. Where do my obligations end?

238. Obligations? Are you so narcissistic,

239. you can't do one small thing for me?

240. I'm narcissistic?

241. You're the one who leaves your book on display in my room.

242. Oh, sorry it's such a chore to literally just

243. keep a book on a book shelf.

244. Okay, all right, even though I only have e-books,

245. here's your stupid book on a shelf like it's 1958.

246. Did you even read the inscription?

247. - Yes. - Well, then, what did it say?

248. "From one hardbody to another."

249. "To every author's dream reader and a true kindred spirit.

250. "You lit the flame that ignited my soul.

251. "My best friend, my inspiration,

252. "and the only person who truly gets me.

253. I owe you everything. B. Edward Griffin."

254. Your initials are BEG?

255. Oh, hey, Lois, I just remembered that thing

256. I wanted to tell you before.

257. Um, you ever heard of Adolf Hitler?

258. - Yes. - Well, fun trivia.

259. Gonzo was Adolf Hitler's bird.

260. What? Peter, if you knew that,

261. why the hell did you bring that bird

262. to Meg's performance of Sound of Music?

263. Sie sind hinter dem gro ßen Stein.

264. Nach links.

265. He's saying they're behind the big stone to the left!

266. Meine linke, nicht B ühne linke!

267. He's saying, "My left, not stage left"!

268. You're getting warmer.

269. What? The parents started it.

270. It's not his fault, Lois.

271. He's just repeating what he was taught.

272. By Hitler.

273. Yeah, that's like 40% of America right now.

274. Peter, if you don't get rid of that bird,

275. I'm calling animal control.

276. You do that

277. - and I'll make you pay. - How?

278. You ever hear of revenge porn, Lois?

279. Peter, if you did that,

280. then everyone would see your penis.

281. I retract my threat.

282. Please strike it from the record.

283. I'll strike it if I can find it.

284. - You have any tweezers? - No, I don't have any—

285. Oh, ha-ha-ha.

286. Look at us restoring a classic car.

287. Yep, 2004 Saturn Ion.

288. This baby captures all the glory of my youth.

289. Shrek 2 was the number-one movie,

290. Dane Cook made Myspace the place to be,

291. and LimeWire helped you bankrupt your favorite bands.

292. What a year.

293. Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt.

294. I just want to throw out my laptop

295. since I won't be writing anymore.

296. Oh come on, Brian, don't be dramatic.

297. Dramatic? Me? Pshaw!

298. Just abandoning my lifelong dream

299. since even my best friend can't support me.

300. So you're getting rid of all your photos, too?

301. No, I downloaded those to an external hard drive.

302. How are you going

303. - to watch movies in bed? - My phone.

304. Couldn't you also still write in the notes app on your phone?

305. I deleted that app.

306. Okay, but couldn't you still write

307. using pen and paper?

308. I mean, I'm sorry to keep pushing back on this,

309. it just feels like throwing away the laptop

310. is-is just unnecessary.

311. You got your wish, Stewie, I quit.

312. You'll never have to worry about keeping

313. one of my books again.

314. Come on, Brian, be reasonable.

315. That wasn't my intention.

316. Too bad. Goodbye, dream.

317. Okay, last objection, I swear.

318. But that's actually supposed to go

319. in a separate collection for e-waste,

320. which is the last Friday of every month.

321. It's fine.

322. Laptop! Laptop! Laptop!

323. There he is, the genius

324. getting his inspo.

325. - What do you want? - Look, here's the thing, Brian.

326. I actually did like your book.

327. Yeah, right.

328. - I did. - Me, too.

329. Yeah, what'd you like about it?

330. You wrote about kibble with a lot of passion.

331. Uh-huh.

332. You described a lot of trees,

333. and you also let us know which ones were steadfast,

334. which was a surprisingly high percentage of them.

335. Ugh! It's pointless.

336. I've given writing my whole life,

337. and I can't even get ten people to come to a reading.

338. Hell, I've been playing this game for 20 years,

339. and I can't even get to level two.

340. Really? That game is, like, very easy.

341. Just get out of here! And leave me alone. Forever.

342. Chris, I can see his gums. We'd better go.

343. This is terrible. We have to help him.

344. I have a great idea.

345. - What is it? - Oh, no, not for this.

346. Netflix... for guns.

347. Stewie, you're gonna be a trillionaire.

348. Perhaps we can lift Brian out of his funk

349. if we get his book on The New York Times Best Seller list.

350. It would only take 1,500 copies.

351. - That's it? - Yes. And a lot of celebrities

352. actually make the list by buying their own books.

353. Wait, are you telling me that some of Donald Trump Jr.'s

354. success isn't based on merit alone?

355. Yes, I am saying that.

356. Still we can't afford to buy that many copies.

357. But Reese Witherspoon's manager just got back to me

358. about her book club.

359. Stewie, this could be huge.

360. Every alcoholic housewife in this country

361. does whatever Reese Witherspoon says.

362. "Unfortunately, Reese's only interests are crawdads

363. "and long hikes, so she's happily passing.

364. No regrets."

365. Now I'm glad her husband Jim Toth failed at Quibi,

366. reportedly straining their Hollywood super-marriage.

367. Oh, don't be nasty, Chris.

368. - Okay, plan C. - What's that?

369. Use Lois's account to buy three copies on Amazon.

370. That'll get Brian in the top 20 of Amazon's

371. "Canine Nonfiction Under 60 Pages" category.

372. Oh, great. All you have to do is

373. click which of these are crosswalks

374. to prove you're not a robot.

375. Well, uh... you do it.

376. Come on, Chris, you...

377. you're not actually a robot, are you?

378. Identity compromised.

379. Abort mission.

380. Greetings, sibling.

381. I am Chris 2.0 with crosswalk update.

382. Oh, phew. Okay, well, it's refreshed,

383. and now it needs you to identify stop signs.

384. If you will excuse me.

385. So, what do you want to watch, Nazi bird?

386. Fox.

387. Quick, Gonzo, we gotta go.

388. Rabbi Goldstein, Peter Griffin.

389. I'm sorry, am I bothering you?

390. No, it's fine.

391. I'm just practicing circumcision

392. on a kosher hot dog.

393. How can I help you?

394. I bought this parrot used, and it turns out

395. he's Adolf Hitler's old pet.

396. And what do you want from me?

397. Well, the word is out,

398. and a bunch of people want to kill him.

399. And I was thinking maybe if you said he's okay,

400. maybe they'd back off.

401. To seek vengeance or to forgive.

402. Such a dilemma. Let us see what it says in...

403. Torah.

404. Torah? What's that?

405. Our sacred scrolls.

406. Oh, I thought those was rolls of Brawny.

407. Bar'chu et Adonai hamvorach.

408. My friend, your bird is Jewish.

409. He only pretended to be a Nazi to survive the war.

410. Gonzo's Jewish?

411. Peter, you have done a wonderful thing.

412. We must celebrate with some matzah.

413. As we say, L'Chaim! To life.

414. - L'Chaim! - L'Chaim!

415. Pretty dry.

416. I think Gonzo lost his Chaim.

417. Whoa, look at you, Brian. Back in the saddle?

418. Well, it's like Ray Bradbury said:

419. "You only fail if you stop writing."

420. That's a really healthy attitude for someone who just failed.

421. Well, it turns out my book actually did find an audience.

422. Right now, it's number nine on Amazon's

423. "Mangy Mammal Memoirs" list.

424. Who the hell used my Amazon account

425. to order three copies of Brian's book?

426. Oh, boy.

427. Great. So now after having insulted me,

428. you've deceived me.

429. Thanks so much, pal.

430. Why do you even care?

431. You're the one who said you don't need external validation.

432. Of course that was a lie.

433. All I care about is external validation.

434. I'm a dog. "Good boy" is literally the best thing

435. you can say to me.

436. And the fact that even my best friend

437. doesn't want a free copy of my book is-is devastating.

438. Don't you talk to me about devastating.

439. - What do you mean? - Don't you understand?

440. Brian, I only got rid of the book

441. because I was jealous of you.

442. Jealous? Why?

443. Because you set out to do something, and you did it.

444. Unlike me and my goals.

445. Every time I walked by your book, it was a reminder

446. of all that I haven't accomplished.

447. I know I'm supposed to be happy for you,

448. but when you succeed, all it does is

449. make me feel bad about myself.

450. And you made me feel really bad.

451. Then I guess I really succeeded.

452. You did. Big-time.

453. I'm proud of you, Brian.

454. - Good boy. - Thanks, Stewie.

455. Now, please never do anything again.

456. - Friends? - Friends.

457. Still, it'd be nice to sell a few books,

458. to have anyone know my name.

459. Meh. You ever heard of Kirker Butler, Julius Sharpe,

460. Cherry Chevapravatdumrong, Chris Regan, David Goodman,

461. Artie Johann, Patrick Meighan,

462. Mike Desilets or Gary Janetti?

463. They're all Family Guy writers who've written books,

464. and no one's ever heard of them.

465. Gary Janetti kind of rings a bell.

466. Yeah, he's got a popular Instagram,

467. so he kind of broke through.

468. But the rest of them, a bunch of bitter,

469. Emmy-less losers.

470. Has Seth MacFarlane ever written a book?

471. - Oh, yeah. - How'd it do?

472. A signed copy is cheaper than a new one.

473. Thank you, everybody, for coming today.

474. Chris would like to say a couple words.

475. "Death came with friendly care.

476. "The opening bud to heaven conveyed,

477. and bade it blossom there."

478. Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

479. Ew, Dad, you could have at least flushed

480. before you put him in there.

481. We all grieve in our own ways.

482. These are our church shoes. Everybody in the tub.

483. Please don't forget to sign the guest book.