Family Guy 20x3

Directed by Mike Kim

Ava Acres as Trick-or-Treater (voice) • Issac Ryan Brown as Trick-or-Treater (voice) • Luke Lowe as Trick-or-Treater (voice) • Rachael MacFarlane as Carrie (voice) • Haley Tju as Carrie's Niece (voice) • Mike Henry as Bruce the Performance Artist (voice)

Quagmire meets an avid dog lover, and pretends Brian is his dog in an attempt to win her over. Meanwhile, Chris helps Stewie track down the culprit who stole his Halloween candy.

Request examples:

!req Family Guy 20x3 [02:32]
!req Family Guy 20x3 [Family Guy 20x3]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Family Guy 20x3 [10-11]; !req Family Guy 20x3 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Happy Halloween, kids!

2. Happy Halloween!

3. Look, it's Matt Foley from Saturday Night Live.

4. I don't know who that is. I just came from a meeting at work.

5. Oh, good. Peter, you're home.

6. You can help me pass out candy.

7. Sorry, Lois, I have to go do a dangerous speedball

8. and become the least surprising death in Hollywood history.

9. Happy Halloween, Meg.

10. Wow, Mayor West. That's some costume.

11. Well, thank you kindly.

12. It-a me, Borat.

13. You know, from that picture Borat.

14. You ever seen it?

15. Yeah, that movie came out, like, 15 years ago.

16. Well, I'd never heard of it,

17. but it was just about the funniest thing I'd ever seen.

18. Anyway, have a good evening.

19. My wife.

20. "This is my costume"?

21. Come on, put in some effort.

22. Guys, just 'cause you showed up, doesn't mean you get an apple.

23. - Apple. - We're here for candy!

24. Kill yourself!

25. There's a lot of sugar in an apple!

26. If you saw the numbers, you'd be shocked!

27. Trick or treat!

28. Wow, that's the first Frozen I've seen in 35 seconds.

29. Oh, my God, I love your pilot costume.

30. Thank you. I'm actually John Travolta walking

31. into my backyard airport in Florida

32. to fly a passenger jet all by myself.

33. That's right, I'm just a regular guy.

34. Your daughter is adorable.

35. Oh, she's not my daughter. She's my niece.

36. My sister and her husband ran into someone

37. having an adult Halloween party and didn't have an excuse ready.

38. Oh, I'm so sorry.

39. Yeah, it was really tough for them,

40. but I said earlier, "I'm not gonna cry,"

41. so I'm not gonna cry.

42. And hi. My name's Carrie.

43. Hi, Carrie. My name is Glenn.

44. It's really nice talking to you, Glenn.

45. - You, too, Carrie. - Hey! Candy!

46. Hey, Brian, check it out!

47. This might be my biggest candy score ever.

48. Probably thanks to my killer costume.

49. What are you dressed as?

50. I'm the "Oh, my God" reaction GIF.

51. And people get that?

52. Yeah. Everyone's dressed as GIFs.

53. Ain't that right, Pop?

54. Wow. This place is great, Glenn.

55. Yeah, they can really microwave eggs here.

56. You know, I'm so glad you trick-or-treated at my house.

57. I finally found someone

58. I can just say names from Succession with.

59. I mean, oh, my God, Kendall?

60. - Kendall! And Shiv? - Love Shiv.

61. - And what about Roman? - Yes!

62. And Logan.

63. Oh, Logan.

64. Oh, look at that dog.

65. Yeah, who brings a dog to a coffee shop?

66. - I love dogs. - Without letting me pet it.

67. Come here, you... dog.

68. Oh, isn't he so sweet?

69. Oh, good boy.

70. Yay, my hand smells like you now.

71. Oh, I'm so happy you're a dog person.

72. I don't think I could be with someone

73. who doesn't love dogs as much as I do.

74. Yeah, it's great we like the same things

75. as soon as you say what you like.

76. So, what kind of dog do you have?

77. Well, uh, uh, what kind of dog?

78. Um... you know, I-I've never noticed.

79. I... I'm... I'm more attracted to his spirit.

80. Oh, they're so special.

81. And you know what's right around the corner?

82. The strip club where they spit in your face?

83. No, the dog park!

84. For our next date, we should bring our dogs there.

85. Next date? Absolutely.

86. - Oh, and cousin Greg! - Cousin Greg!

87. Cousin Greg.

88. Phew, that tummy time was killer.

89. Totally blasted my core.

90. But I think that earns me a little treat.

91. What the deuce?

92. This bag was full last night,

93. and now half of it's gone.

94. Oh, my God, I've been robbed!

95. Rupert, check the jewelry box, see if anything's missing.

96. "An engagement ring"?

97. Oh, ha-ha, very funny, but not the time

98. to have this conversation— we've been burgled!

99. Well, looks like they only stole some of my Halloween candy.

100. But they're not going to get away with this.

101. Like the fat man when he plays Clue.

102. Okay, the murderer was "don't care,"

103. with a "this game sucks"

104. in the "I regret having children."

105. Clue— you got someone pregnant nine years ago,

106. so now you have to play this.

107. Thanks for coming with me, Peter.

108. I need a dog for my date,

109. but I don't know the first thing about 'em.

110. No problem, Quagmire. But just know

111. I'm gonna spend most of the time here

112. finding the courage to hold an iguana.

113. Here he is.

114. I'm not sure I'm ready!

115. Uh, excuse me, how much is that one?

116. Oh, he's a purebred Bichon Frise,

117. so he's $1,500.

118. For a dog? Um, and-and what's your return policy?

119. Is it, like, full money back within ten days?

120. Sir, if you're not interested, I have to comb feces

121. out of the guinea pigs' hair with a wet paper towel.

122. Go ahead, you can touch him.

123. It's dry.

124. Sorry we couldn't get you a dog.

125. Come on in, we'll have however many beers it takes

126. to forget how depressing the shelter was.

127. I'll go get those aforementioned beers.

128. Thanks, word-a-day calendar.

129. Oh, hey, Quagmire.

130. Mm.

131. I mean, mmm, there he is!

132. Brian the dog!

133. What's going on here? Why are you using my full name?

134. All right, let's cut to the chase.

135. I like chases.

136. Okay, look, I'm seeing this woman,

137. and there's something different about her.

138. I mean, it's not just that the sex is great, which it is,

139. but I appreciate her as a person,

140. which sounds kind of weird coming out of my mouth.

141. Anyway, I told her I have a dog, so...

142. would you pretend to be my dog?

143. Well, well, well.

144. Well, well, well.

145. Well, well, well.

146. Brian, come on, I'm serious. Will you help me out?

147. Glenn Quagmire, there are not enough

148. tennis balls in the world for me to—

149. - I have six. - I'll do it.

150. Thanks for doing this, Brian.

151. And remember, just act like a normal,

152. well-behaved, non-talking dog.

153. - Non-talking? - Yeah, just bark and stuff.

154. Bark? Geez, it's been a while.

155. Let me give it a try.

156. Brack.

157. "Brack"? What the hell is that?

158. - I'm finding it. - Damn it, Brian!

159. I knew you were gonna screw this up for me.

160. I thought you wanted to help.

161. "Help"? I'm not doing this because I want to help.

162. I'm only doing this so I can have a front-row seat

163. when you crash and burn.

164. Okay, first of all, it's incredibly insensitive

165. to say "crash and burn" to a pilot.

166. And, second, how dare you?

167. How dare you, Brian the dog?

168. You know I'm right— you're gonna get tired of the sex,

169. and then you'll move on to the next one.

170. Oh, 'cause you know everything, right?

171. Well, you're wrong, Brian.

172. Okay, shut up, here she comes.

173. Hi, Glenn. This is Dexter.

174. Aw, and who's this little guy?

175. Uh, uh, this is... Harvey.

176. Named after Weinstein, uh...

177. 'C-Cause you can see his balls when he answers the door.

178. I may be dating myself, but in the '90s,

179. the funniest thing you could do was show people your balls.

180. C-Can you start talking now, please?

181. Sorry, I couldn't hear you

182. 'cause my dog was licking my ear.

183. Oh, thank God. This is my dog, Bob...

184. Weinstein.

185. He's man's best friend

186. because he's very good at keeping quiet.

187. Do you mind if I take five minutes in the parking lot?

188. This is Spot.

189. All right, Rupert, when the thief comes back

190. for the rest of my candy,

191. he'll have to deal with my latest invention.

192. Hey, Stewie, what are you d—

193. Aah! Help! Somebody help me!

194. I won't survive on the inside!

195. Thief! I've caught you!

196. Chris?

197. Stewie, get off.

198. I haven't been stealing your candy.

199. - Dad has. - The fat man?

200. He did the same thing to me when I was younger.

201. The only way to keep him away from it is to hide it.

202. And that's why I'm here.

203. I'm gonna help you.

204. Really? You'd do that for me?

205. Of course, Stewie. We're family.

206. We look out for each other,

207. like the people on Succession.

208. Well, don't leave me hanging like that— throw out a name!

209. - Tom. - Oh, Tom!

210. Can you believe Tom?

211. Carrie's gonna be here soon. Can you give me a hand getting

212. - this cat stuff out of here? - Where is your cat, anyway?

213. I don't know. No cat owner knows where their cat is.

214. Okay, but I still don't know why

215. you're going through all this trouble.

216. I mean, you're just gonna bail and leave her in the dust.

217. - Hey, how's your son, Brian? - Whoa!

218. What happened to DEFCON four, three, and two?

219. - Okay, she's here.

220. Get off the couch.

221. - Who is it? - It's The Purge.

222. We're here to beat you up.

223. Coming up, one pizza with alternative crust.

224. Oh! Yummy, yummy!

225. Alternative crust pizza is really good, Brian.

226. You can't taste the difference.

227. What aren't you lying to yourself about?

228. Okay, you want to know the truth, Brian?

229. Brian the dog? I love her.

230. You hear me? Love.

231. This is priceless.

232. I haven't had this much fun

233. since I went to that graveyard.

234. - Yeah, how do you like how this sounds, huh?

235. Try cleaning up this mess while you burn in hell!

236. - Peter, you ready to go? - Almost!

237. - What do you mean you don't like that?

238. Just try it, maybe you will!

239. Thanks again for having us over, Lois.

240. Everything was so delicious.

241. Oh, my pleasure, Carrie.

242. Yeah, I've got to say, Glenn,

243. I've never seen you this happy before.

244. Well, then you've never seen me at my best before.

245. And it's all thanks to Carrie.

246. Aw, not at the dinner table.

247. I'm sorry, Peter, I just can't help myself.

248. I'm crazy about this woman.

249. Huh?

250. - "Will you marry me?" - What's this now?

251. Oh, my God, Glenn, yes! Yes, of course I'll marry you!

252. Mmm...

253. Mazel tov!

254. "Mazel tov"? Where did that come from?

255. From Marvelous Mrs. Mazel Tov. Y-you should know that, Lois.

256. Mmm.

257. Engaged?

258. Aw, come on, Quagmire, you're killing me, man.

259. Babe, babe, please— Babe, please stop crying.

260. Look, every couple needs to take things at their own speed.

261. It doesn't mean I love you any less.

262. Okay, look— how about we look at rings this weekend?

263. I-I don't know. Zales, probably?

264. Well, that's what we can afford since only one of us has a job!

265. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

266. Ugh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

267. "Why don't you join me for dinner?" he said,

268. ruining his life.

269. There he is, the bridegroom to be.

270. That's right, the very happy bridegroom to be,

271. Oh, come on, give it up.

272. You're out of moves. Checkmate.

273. Hi, honey, we're home.

274. Will you help me move in his dog food,

275. like we're preparing for a flood?

276. Dexter eats all this?

277. Not just Dexter, but Dexter and all

278. - his rescue brothers and sisters.

279. Oh, my God, how many are there?

280. Hmm, enough to do a slow pan with music from Airplane.

281. Is-is that one just a back half?

282. Oh, Backsy? Yeah. She's a fighter.

283. Well, maybe she should stop fightin'.

284. Okay, I'm gonna go bring in all their meds,

285. and then I'll set the 19 different feeding alarms

286. on your phone. Mm.

287. - Shut up!

288. I didn't say a word.

289. I'm just... I'm just thrilled you're getting

290. all the happiness you deserve.

291. I am happy. Parade magazine says

292. owning a dog is the secret to having a happy life.

293. You read Parade magazine?

294. If you know a better magazine for ordering plates

295. with people's faces on them, I would like to hear about it.

296. Hey, babe, was the Princess Diana plate important?

297. Brian, can you hand me that Parade magazine,

298. that envelope, that stamp and that checkbook?

299. Thank you.

300. Who are we waiting for, Chris?

301. I called in some professionals.

302. They're gonna take us somewhere Dad'll never find your candy.

303. - And where's that? - I can't say.

304. There are ears everywhere.

305. Good morning, Mr. Feldman.

306. Morning, Chris. Couldn't help but overhear

307. you're off on a little trip.

308. Never mind about that, Mr. Feldman.

309. - See? - I could hear that.

310. Get in.

311. You know, I should really be in a backwards-facing car seat.

312. They're now saying kids through eight

313. should at least be in a booster seat.

314. - You have any kids? - Don't make small talk with these guys.

315. No, no, it's all right.

316. It's nice to have someone ask for a change.

317. Yes, I have four children, all dead.

318. Ah.

319. Well, here we are.

320. Quick, hide your candy in the tree.

321. Is this our backyard?

322. Yes. But we couldn't take a chance of being followed.

323. Son of a— I'm pinching and lifting.

324. Oh!

325. Hey, if you're making coffee, I'll have a—

326. Whoa, kind of a mess in here.

327. It's fine. Everything is fine.

328. I'm happy and in love.

329. Damn it, Brian, did you leave the doggy gate open?

330. - No, no, no, stop it.

331. Peppy, you're allergic to Frankie's food.

332. Malcolm, stop humping your brother.

333. Backsy, outside!

334. Babe, can you give me a hand

335. moving my furniture

336. all around the room until I find a place I like for it?

337. Kind of in the middle of something, babe!

338. Ah, the seven-hour itch.

339. Shut up, Brian. Why don't you go for a walk?

340. - No, no, no, no, no.

341. No walk. No walk. No, no.

342. We're not going for a walk.

343. I gotta stop saying "walk."

344. I said walk again. And there again.

345. Honey, I want to make a stir-fry tonight.

346. Have we unpacked the wok?

347. No, no, w-O-K.

348. W-O-K. She said wok!

349. She said wok.

350. She said wok...

351. My candy, it's all gone.

352. Even my West Hollywood candy.

353. My Twinx bar. My very Milky Way.

354. My Reese's Penis.

355. Who's done this to me?

356. Who's taken candy from a baby?

357. Well, we did it. Cheers.

358. We sure did, Chris.

359. - Cool iguana. - He's dry.

360. I named him Arid.

361. Thank you, word-a-day calendar, travel edition.

362. Just met some of Carrie's friends.

363. They are very excited for her.

364. - Well, they should be. - Well, they should be.

365. And they are.

366. Anyway, expectations are high.

367. Thank you, everyone, for coming to our engagement party.

368. And an extra thanks to my airline buddies

369. for organizing it.

370. Uh, folks, our party time tonight is

371. two hours and 48 minutes.

372. We know you have lots of choices

373. for terrible weekend activities, and we hope to see you soon

374. on an inconvenient weekend for their destination wedding,

375. which I hear is on a Thursday in Lisbon, Portugal.

376. - That's so far. - Come on!

377. Yep. Yep.

378. It's been wonderful meeting all of Carrie's family

379. and friends.

380. I only wish you were all wearing nametags.

381. Isn't he adorable?

382. My expectations are high.

383. You know, I first met Carrie and her niece

384. a couple of weeks ago on Halloween.

385. Thank God they decided to take that walk.

386. And now we're headed down the aisle;

387. a very different kind of walk.

388. And, Carrie, if I may borrow a line

389. from our favorite song,

390. I would walk 500 miles...

391. Stampede!

392. - Isn't he adorable? - He loves those dogs.

393. I'm hearing a lot of good things about that guy.

394. That's it.

395. Glenn, are you okay?

396. No, I'm not okay.

397. I thought I could do this, but I can't.

398. I've been lying to you,

399. and I've been lying to myself.

400. There's something you need to know.

401. I hate dogs.

402. Uh, this party has begun its initial descent.

403. That's not even my dog.

404. That's Brian, my neighbor's dog. He can talk.

405. Brian, say something.

406. - Brack. - Bite me.

407. Glenn... I can't believe this.

408. So you don't like dogs, that's fine.

409. But you didn't have to lie and put me through all of this.

410. Good-bye, Glenn.

411. Uh, folks, please use caution as you exit the party

412. as some of your feelings may have shifted.

413. Well, well, well.

414. Save it, Brian. I'll concede that you were right.

415. But you know what? So was I.

416. Dogs are the worst.

417. And I'm coming for you, Brian the dog.

418. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,

419. But one day.

420. Maybe tomorrow.

421. And when that day comes, you're gonna say,

422. ooh, Glenn got me good.

423. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to take a walk.

424. Brack?

425. Oh, no. Stay...

426. You're coming back, though, right?

427. Hey, Brian, I was just over talking to Quagmire,

428. and he thought you might want to take a look

429. at my new screenplay.

430. Oh, I-I don't really, uh...

431. It's called Ocean's 1.

432. Between you and me, I can't believe

433. nobody's done it before,

434. to say nothing of Ocean's 2 through 7.

435. Yeah, I-I could, uh, take a look, sure.

436. It's a little long right now.

437. It's about 430 pages.

438. I have my "all is lost" moment on page 389, thereabouts.

439. Quagmire!

440. Now, if'n you don't know, most Hollywood screenplays

441. wrap up at around 110 pages.

442. And if'n it's a comedy, why, you want it in the 90s.

443. Anyway, they said I could have these last few seconds

444. to mention something near and dear to me.

445. So, men, don't be afraid to have the doctor

446. put a camera up your old saddle masher.

447. They knock you out now, and it's a good way

448. to make sure there's no bad beans in your mess wagon.

449. We hope you've enjoyed the Family Guy.