1. Ah, the record store—Copy !req
2. full of the greatest albums
of all timeCopy !req
3. and the employees
who hate every one of 'em.Copy !req
4. Hey, do you have
the Eagles' Greatest Hits?Copy !req
5. Yeah. It's under "O"
for "obvious."Copy !req
6. And "overrated."Copy !req
7. Thank you, bearded failures.Copy !req
8. You know, it's stores like this
where you learnCopy !req
9. about the real history
of rock and roll,Copy !req
10. not the watered-down version
you get in every movieCopy !req
11. about a musician's life.Copy !req
12. Yeah, all those biopicsCopy !req
13. unsupportive parents, hit song,Copy !req
14. band turmoil...Copy !req
15. Having giant horse teeth
and dying of AIDS.Copy !req
16. All of 'em are exactly the same.Copy !req
17. Check out this section
for the Doors.Copy !req
18. Jim Morrison is a legend,Copy !req
19. whether we like it or not.Copy !req
20. He had the good sense to dieCopy !req
21. before we could see him
at the Pechanga Casino and go,Copy !req
22. "Oh, my God, that's him?"Copy !req
23. It was the '60s,Copy !req
24. a time of great
fateful missed Frisbee catches.Copy !req
25. The iconic band
was formed one dayCopy !req
26. when Ray Manzarek met
Jim Morrison on Venice Beach.Copy !req
27. Thanks! I'm Ray Manzarek.
What's your name?Copy !req
28. Jim Morrison. Light my fire.Copy !req
29. W-Wait a minute, wait.
What'd you just say?Copy !req
30. Say that again.Copy !req
31. Light my fire?Copy !req
32. Yeah, that! That could be a songCopy !req
33. that's tolerated
for generations!Copy !req
34. What do you say
you and I form a band?Copy !req
35. A band? But this is the '60s.Copy !req
36. We don't have nearly enough
floppy heads of hair to do that.Copy !req
37. Hey, you guys starting a band?
Mind if we join?Copy !req
38. Yes. You're both in.Copy !req
39. We are gonna be huge, you guys.Copy !req
40. And nothing's
gonna get between us—Copy !req
41. not drugs or alcoholCopy !req
42. or the first toxic relationship
that comes my way.Copy !req
43. Look out! Easily manipulated
runaway comin' through!Copy !req
44. Screw you guys!
I'm following that lady,Copy !req
45. and there's nothing
you can do about it!Copy !req
46. I am the Doors!Copy !req
47. Jim, be reasonable.Copy !req
48. We haven't even named ourselves
that yet.Copy !req
49. Look, I'm gonna get right to itCopy !req
50. and say I miss making music
with you bastards.Copy !req
51. Thanks!Copy !req
52. I'm Charles Manson.
What's your name?Copy !req
53. Jim Morrison. Kill Sharon Tate.Copy !req
54. Wait a minute.
What did you just say?Copy !req
55. Say that again.Copy !req
56. Yeah.Copy !req
57. Jim Morrison.
Love me two times.Copy !req
58. W-Wait a minute.
What'd you just say?Copy !req
59. Say that again.Copy !req
60. Well, Jim, I'm flattered
you broke into my home,Copy !req
61. but I have a serious boyfriend
and I think you should leave.Copy !req
62. But I'm a rock star!Copy !req
63. And he's an astronaut.Copy !req
64. You know, unfortunately for you,
this is the one time in historyCopy !req
65. where astronauts are cooler
than rock stars.Copy !req
66. Well, I don't care.
You're my muse,Copy !req
67. and I'm moving in with
my trash bags of bad poetry.Copy !req
68. "The caterpillar—Copy !req
69. "a tiny hair snake?Copy !req
70. Nay. Because of his many,
many legs."Copy !req
71. "The snake.Copy !req
72. "A large, hairless caterpillar?Copy !req
73. Nay. On account of no legs."Copy !req
74. "The snakeapillar..."Copy !req
75. Wow. Such a genius, huh?Copy !req
76. Now, I do have a boyfriend,Copy !req
77. but I'm also a free spirit.Copy !req
78. That's my fun
little way of sayin' I'm a slut.Copy !req
79. So, how'd you like to have sex
with my kite-sized woman weave?Copy !req
80. Mm, it'll mesh perfectly with
my giant nest of tight ringlets.Copy !req
81. Oh, Jim.Copy !req
82. Call me the Lizard King.Copy !req
83. Oh, Lizard King!Copy !req
84. Yeah. Now call me
Archduke Salamander,Copy !req
85. Emperor of Newts.Copy !req
86. You're the Archduke...Copy !req
87. Ah, I'm done.Copy !req
88. Velcro.Copy !req
89. Just like my shoes.Copy !req
90. Early on, Jim Morrison
had terrible stage fright,Copy !req
91. so he performed
with his back to the crowd.Copy !req
92. The only thing
that calmed his nervesCopy !req
93. was what everyone
was using back then,Copy !req
94. Strawberry Nesquik.Copy !req
95. It upset his stomach terriblyCopy !req
96. because of
his lactose intolerance,Copy !req
97. a condition that would escalate
to full-on cream bigotry.Copy !req
98. Yeah, that's the stuff.Copy !req
99. - Uh-oh.Copy !req
100. My fart's stuck in the pants.Copy !req
101. Well, get it out.
We've got a show to do.Copy !req
102. We all feeling good tonight?Copy !req
103. I know I'm feeling good.Copy !req
104. Uh, this next one's called
"Break On Through."Copy !req
105. Yes.Copy !req
106. "Break on through."Copy !req
107. Jim, there's someone
you have to meet.Copy !req
108. Hello. I'm someone
with no knowledge of musicCopy !req
109. who is somehow controlling
the music industry,Copy !req
110. and I want to make you a star.Copy !req
111. How do I know I can trust you?Copy !req
112. 'Cause I'm not just an agent—Copy !req
113. I'm a fan.Copy !req
114. - Really?
- Absolutely.Copy !req
115. In fact, I'd love your autograph
on the bottom of this contract,Copy !req
116. in absence of any legal counsel.Copy !req
117. Come on, buddy,
you're embarrassing me.Copy !req
118. They did it.Copy !req
119. They signed the contractCopy !req
120. that would make
their cocaine dealer rich.Copy !req
121. And then it was off
to the studioCopy !req
122. for a shirtless rehearsal.Copy !req
123. What the hell, Jim?Copy !req
124. You look terrible.Copy !req
125. Are you back on the Quik?Copy !req
126. Please,
I've barely stirred today.Copy !req
127. Look, I'm sorry.
I'm ready now, all right?Copy !req
128. I'm ready to make
this college dorm room poster.Copy !req
129. Damn it, Jim. We're here
to make an album, not a poster.Copy !req
130. Make an album?Copy !req
131. Why didn't you say so?Copy !req
132. Bring in the terrible,
too-involved girlfriends, guys!Copy !req
133. Jim, meet my girlfriend,
Yoko O-yes.Copy !req
134. She's beloved
by everyone close to meCopy !req
135. and prides herself on
not messing with a good thing.Copy !req
136. I'm just gonna get out
of the wayCopy !req
137. and let you guys do your music.Copy !req
138. You won't even know I'm here.Copy !req
139. You guys want to see something?Copy !req
140. You want to see if it's as big
as they say it is?Copy !req
141. What the hell is he doing now?Copy !req
142. That night marked the endCopy !req
143. of Jim Morrison's
rock god status,Copy !req
144. when he was unable to find
and expose his penisCopy !req
145. in a Florida music venue.Copy !req
146. Like every man
who can't find his penis,Copy !req
147. Jim Morrison moved to Paris,Copy !req
148. where he did heroin one night
and drowned in a bathtub.Copy !req
149. There was a movie
about the Doors.Copy !req
150. If you're a bunch of guys
in collegeCopy !req
151. wanting to make
all the girls go away,Copy !req
152. put on the movie The Doors.
Poof, they're gone.Copy !req
153. Then it's just you
and your buddies.Copy !req
154. You could've gotten laid,
but you put on The Doors.Copy !req
155. Why'd you do that?Copy !req
156. Well, if we learned anything
from Jim Morrison's tragic tale,Copy !req
157. it's that white guys definitely
invented rock and roll.Copy !req
158. What? That's bullcrap!Copy !req
159. Rock and roll was invented
in the Mississippi DeltaCopy !req
160. by Black people.Copy !req
161. Jerome, if Black guys
invented rock and roll,Copy !req
162. then how come everyone else
in a vintage vinyl record storeCopy !req
163. is a stock photo meme white guy?Copy !req
164. You ain't heard of the Black man
who invented rock and rollCopy !req
165. 'cause he never got a movie
about his life.Copy !req
166. But I'm-a educate y'all on
the greatest rocker of all time,Copy !req
167. Delta bluesman Muddy Drawers.Copy !req
168. Muddy grew up in a shotgun shack
in the Deep South.Copy !req
169. His family was so poor,Copy !req
170. they lived underneath
the mighty Mississippi.Copy !req
171. They all had to share one roomCopy !req
172. and one mustache.Copy !req
173. Well, I'm off to make something
of myself with this here guitar.Copy !req
174. Don't go chasin' no white women!Copy !req
175. Too far away! Can't hear you!Copy !req
176. In those days,
Black people had nothing,Copy !req
177. but they still had
to wear suits everywhere.Copy !req
178. The only instrument Muddy could
afford was a one-string guitar.Copy !req
179. That one guitar string
was also the family belt.Copy !req
180. Despite all his setbacks,Copy !req
181. Muddy would do whatever it took
to master the guitar,Copy !req
182. even if it meant making a deal
with the devil himself.Copy !req
183. So he headed on down
to the crossroads.Copy !req
184. The Crossroads being
a fancy school in Los Angeles.Copy !req
185. Tobey Maguire's kid goes there.Copy !req
186. You'd see him sometimes,
dropping off.Copy !req
187. Not all the time but sometimes.Copy !req
188. Hey, Tobey!Copy !req
189. See you at the holiday show!Copy !req
190. Stupid fanboy.Copy !req
191. You ain't ever getting
that inviteCopy !req
192. to dinner with the Gyllenhaals.Copy !req
193. Muddy was right.Copy !req
194. He never got invited to dinner
with Jake GyllenhaalCopy !req
195. or his sleepy-eyed sister,Copy !req
196. which is probably for the best.Copy !req
197. She looks like she chews
with her mouth open.Copy !req
198. But Muddy did get
his guitar lessons.Copy !req
199. From the devil.Copy !req
200. Sign here and you'll be
the greatest guitar playerCopy !req
201. who ever lived.Copy !req
202. All it'll cost you is...
your soul.Copy !req
203. Okay. You got yourself a deal.Copy !req
204. And just so you know,
with this purchase of a soul,Copy !req
205. I will also give a soul
to a child in need.Copy !req
206. Yeah, yeah, I don't want that.Copy !req
207. - It's no additional cost to you.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
208. It's just my way of giving back,
out of my end.Copy !req
209. Seems like it's
probably baked into the price.Copy !req
210. So Muddy went out
and created a new sound,Copy !req
211. the sound of rock and roll.Copy !req
212. It was so groundbreakingCopy !req
213. that an apathetic sound mixer
put down his newspaperCopy !req
214. and his stale cup of coffee
to pay attention.Copy !req
215. The song was a hitCopy !req
216. and got Muddy
his first record contract.Copy !req
217. Now, since he was
a Black performer,Copy !req
218. naturally, he went on tourCopy !req
219. in the part of the country
that's so racistCopy !req
220. it's known as the Boston
of the South.Copy !req
221. He was given a white driver.Copy !req
222. The record company chose
an Italian American manCopy !req
223. so Muddy would be used
to hearingCopy !req
224. all the worst racial slursCopy !req
225. before he got there.Copy !req
226. Big crawdads guy, huh?Copy !req
227. Oh, yeah. They're the best.Copy !req
228. Please look at the road
while you're driving.Copy !req
229. I wouldn't know about crawdads.Copy !req
230. - Never had 'em.
- What?Copy !req
231. You got to try 'em!Copy !req
232. Here, take the rest of mine.
I insist.Copy !req
233. But Muddy had had crawdads.Copy !req
234. Many times.Copy !req
235. That was just his little trick
for getting free crawdadsCopy !req
236. from coarse Italians.Copy !req
237. What are you working on?Copy !req
238. I'm trying to write a nice
letter to my wife Margerie,Copy !req
239. but I never been any good
with...Copy !req
240. Damn it, what are those things?Copy !req
241. - Words?
- Yeah, I-I never been any good
at words.Copy !req
242. In fact,
I'm downright great at 'em.Copy !req
243. I could help you if you want.Copy !req
244. Yeah? Could you make it sound
so she thinks me,Copy !req
245. a white guy, is the one
who actually wrote it?Copy !req
246. Easy. Write this.Copy !req
247. "Dearest Margerie,Copy !req
248. "I can't wait to get homeCopy !req
249. "and back that big fat ass up.Copy !req
250. "Back, back, back it up.Copy !req
251. "Back, back,
back it up.Copy !req
252. Wu Tang Clan
ain't nothing to mess with."Copy !req
253. Dearest Margerie,Copy !req
254. a lady who worked at the hotel
we were staying atCopy !req
255. had, like, the freckliest chest
I've ever seen.Copy !req
256. Yours, Vinny.Copy !req
257. Ultimately,
Vinny went his own wayCopy !req
258. with the letter.Copy !req
259. Hey, Muddy, I was thinking,Copy !req
260. since we made it
to the part of the storyCopy !req
261. where we realize that we're not
so different from each other,Copy !req
262. we should celebrate.Copy !req
263. Yeah? What did you have in mind?Copy !req
264. I don't know. Maybe...Copy !req
265. that!Copy !req
266. Whoa, whoa, whoa!Copy !req
267. This is
a "whites only" carnival.Copy !req
268. It's okay, Vinny.
Let's get out of here.Copy !req
269. No! This is unacceptable,
and it will not stand!Copy !req
270. My friend is a human being!Copy !req
271. We demand recourse!Copy !req
272. Unconscionable!Copy !req
273. And though the trip
was soon over,Copy !req
274. a friendship was formed
that transcended race.Copy !req
275. But it would not last long.Copy !req
276. What the hell?Copy !req
277. All the pages in my songbook
are torn out!Copy !req
278. Dear Muddy,
I have something to confess.Copy !req
279. I stole all your songs,Copy !req
280. and my real name
is Elvis Presley.Copy !req
281. That son of a bitch!Copy !req
282. Damn you, Elvis Presley!Copy !req
283. Oh, well.Copy !req
284. There's still an exciting future
ahead of me.Copy !req
285. This ain't the end of my story.Copy !req
286. Oh, no.
The screen's turnin' sepia.Copy !req
287. This is the end of my story!Copy !req
288. I got to get to a stool
for the oneCopy !req
289. "old-timey Black guy musician"
photoCopy !req
290. anyone will ever know me by.Copy !req
291. Muddy didn't make it to
the stool in time for his photo.Copy !req
292. Elvis never gave him
the credit he deserved.Copy !req
293. And people were pissed
when Green Book won that Oscar.Copy !req
294. The end.Copy !req
295. Great story, Jerome.Copy !req
296. Elvis really was the best.Copy !req
297. Peter, is that Stewie?Copy !req
298. Oh, yeah. Looks like
he's gonna do one next.Copy !req
299. You're gonna let the baby
do one?Copy !req
300. Oh, I'm sorry,
are your children funny?Copy !req
301. No.Copy !req
302. Ah, here it is.Copy !req
303. Elton John's Greatest Hits,Copy !req
304. a collection of songs
by the one gay guy on earthCopy !req
305. with a worse haircut
than Pete Rose.Copy !req
306. We'll defer
that end-of-year bonusCopy !req
307. to the following fiscal quarter,Copy !req
308. harvest the losses
on our cap gains—Copy !req
309. that's a no-brainer—
and, let's see,Copy !req
310. update my beneficiary designations?Copy !req
311. Uh, yeah, I think so.Copy !req
312. Damn, I'm good.Copy !req
313. Elton John, what the hell
do you think you're doing?Copy !req
314. It's just a little
number crunchin', Pop.Copy !req
315. What's going on in here?Copy !req
316. Why don't you ask your son,
the tax man?Copy !req
317. I found these
under his mattress!Copy !req
318. W-2s!Copy !req
319. I-I was holding them
for a friend.Copy !req
320. Wh-Wh-What are you doin', Pop?Copy !req
321. No son of mine is gonna be
a heterosexual paper pusher.Copy !req
322. You need to be a loud-and-proud
performer like your gay old dad!Copy !req
323. Aah! You hit me!Copy !req
324. Oh, Elton. I'm telling you this
because I love you.Copy !req
325. You'll never find someone
to love you.Copy !req
326. Not even Dolly Levi
could help you.Copy !req
327. - Who's Dolly Levi?Copy !req
328. Oh, where did we go so wrong?Copy !req
329. So Elton John collaborated
with Bernie Taupin,Copy !req
330. who would write the lyrics
for Elton's songs.Copy !req
331. Bernie was married three times
in a desperate bidCopy !req
332. to convince the world
he was not a homosexual.Copy !req
333. All right, Bernie,
what do you got?Copy !req
334. Uh, how 'bout this?Copy !req
335. "Yours are the sweetest eyesCopy !req
336. I've ever seen."Copy !req
337. They are?Copy !req
338. Whoa! I-I'm not gay.Copy !req
339. You're not?
Y-You just seem very...Copy !req
340. Yeah. I'm British.
We all seem that way,Copy !req
341. even if we're not
but secretly are.Copy !req
342. Elton, meet the best producer
in the business.Copy !req
343. Kid, how would you like to sign
with my label,Copy !req
344. Naive-Young-Talent Records.Copy !req
345. Together,
we are gonna make me millions!Copy !req
346. Sounds fair to me.
Let's get to it!Copy !req
347. From then on,
Elton's new male producerCopy !req
348. rode him day and night.Copy !req
349. When Elton was tired of playing,
he'd get right behind himCopy !req
350. and push him on the stool
until he was finished.Copy !req
351. Sometimes Elton would cryCopy !req
352. because of how hard
he was pushing.Copy !req
353. But it paid off,
because, in the end,Copy !req
354. they had a massive load.
Of hits.Copy !req
355. Just a— just a big,
messy load of hits.Copy !req
356. The night Elton John performed
at Dodger Stadium,Copy !req
357. he was so nervous, he almost
never left the dressing room.Copy !req
358. Elton! Elton!Copy !req
359. Whoa, dude, no!Copy !req
360. I'm just
a straight moment of clarity.Copy !req
361. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't, uh...Copy !req
362. But his reflection
had walked away,Copy !req
363. never to return.Copy !req
364. And he had to do his own makeup.Copy !req
365. Also, due to a scheduling error,Copy !req
366. the Dodgers had a game
that night,Copy !req
367. and Elton had to bat fourth
in the lineup.Copy !req
368. It's a mince-off single
and the Dodgers win!Copy !req
369. Elton John was heavily involved
in the L. A. party scene,Copy !req
370. and things took a dark turn
one nightCopy !req
371. when he and Bernie went to
a party in the Hollywood Hills,Copy !req
372. one where you park
way down at the bottomCopy !req
373. and have to walk all the way up.Copy !req
374. God, how much farther is it?Copy !req
375. I don't know.
You didn't get a TripTik.Copy !req
376. That's 'cause the rock star
doesn't get the TripTik.Copy !req
377. The writer gets the TripTik.Copy !req
378. Damn it,
here comes another personCopy !req
379. walking to the same party.Copy !req
380. Let's stop, so we don't have
to walk with him the whole way.Copy !req
381. When they said
this party was "far out,"Copy !req
382. they weren't kidding.Copy !req
383. I know, right? Yeah.Copy !req
384. I can hear the music.Copy !req
385. Damn it!
We're in the wrong canyon!Copy !req
386. Well, I'm exhausted.Copy !req
387. Come on, let's just go home.Copy !req
388. I don't know.
I kind of want to stay out.Copy !req
389. Hang on. Hey!Copy !req
390. What's the cocaine sitch like
at that party?Copy !req
391. Enough to kill a Belushi!Copy !req
392. But you probably don't want
to come!Copy !req
393. It's a real sausage fest
over here!Copy !req
394. I'm going to that party.Copy !req
395. Elton, if you leave me
right now, it's a big deal,Copy !req
396. because this is the time of the
story where that's a big deal.Copy !req
397. What'd you say? I couldn't hear
you over the sound of snorting!Copy !req
398. Have fun getting home
without a TripTik, trip dick!Copy !req
399. Whoa-ho! Looks like Elton
learned how to write!Copy !req
400. How is he, Doctor?Copy !req
401. Well, looks like your husband's
gonna be all right, Mr., uh...Copy !req
402. I've been married three times!
I'm Bernie Taupin!Copy !req
403. You know what,
don't worry about it.Copy !req
404. I already forgot who you are.Copy !req
405. Anyway, congratulations.Copy !req
406. Elton will be back on his knees
in no time.Copy !req
407. Look at me. At some hospitalCopy !req
408. next to a Denny's
by the airport.Copy !req
409. All day long,
it's just Denny's and the jets.Copy !req
410. Wait, what'd you just say?
Say that again.Copy !req
411. The important thing is
you're alive.Copy !req
412. Thanks. Hey, what do you say we
get the ole team back togetherCopy !req
413. for a "what do they look like
now" credits montage?Copy !req
414. Well, we can,
but I'm not sure you'll like it.Copy !req
415. That's what I look like?Copy !req
416. Who is letting me out
of the house like—Copy !req
417. Someone in the future
is seriously failing me!Copy !req
418. Yeah, you look like a Candy
Land villain that came to life.Copy !req
419. - I know!
- You look like a MuppetCopy !req
420. that teaches kids
about being gay.Copy !req
421. All right, that's enough.
Why are we making fun of me?Copy !req
422. I'm not a bad guy. Let's just
make fun of Sean Hannity again.Copy !req
423. He looks like a guy
who just OD'd on Just For Men.Copy !req
424. He looks like Alan Thicker.Copy !req
425. He's a guy
whose wife yells at himCopy !req
426. for getting his ball powder
all over the bathroom.Copy !req
427. All right,
we could do this all day.Copy !req
428. For more Hannity slams, go
to Family Guy's YouTube page.Copy !req
429. And, hey, if you think of your
own, leave it in the comments.Copy !req
430. He's the guy
your mom dates twiceCopy !req
431. and then yells at you
for the remote.Copy !req
432. Okay. But now we're done.Copy !req
433. Well, I can't think
of a better way to end our visitCopy !req
434. than by remembering the four
lads who started a band in 1962Copy !req
435. and changed the world forever.Copy !req
436. - Steve, Dal, Bob and Robin.
- John, Paul, George and Ringo.Copy !req
437. - Who?
- Steve, Dal, Bob and Robin.Copy !req
438. The Trashmen.Copy !req
439. Oh...Copy !req