1. Hey, kids, don't be left outCopy !req
2. this Christmas—
top your wish list withCopy !req
3. the toy of the season,
Happy Asking Panda!Copy !req
4. Made in China,
Happy Asking Panda hasCopy !req
5. many questions for you.Copy !req
6. What is your favorite color?Copy !req
7. What is your parents'
political affiliation?Copy !req
8. What is your approximate
household income?Copy !req
9. All of these questions
and so many more!Copy !req
10. His eyes light up
when he's happy,Copy !req
11. or when credit cards are
held in front of him!Copy !req
12. Hold Happy Asking Panda
over the keyboardCopy !req
13. while entering passwords
and watch him dance.Copy !req
14. I love you, Happy Asking Panda!Copy !req
15. Upload complete!Copy !req
16. Order today and it will arriveCopy !req
17. for happy American Christmas
and time of wonder.Copy !req
18. I must.Copy !req
19. Have. That. Toy.Copy !req
20. What, are you serious?Copy !req
21. Of course I'm serious,
I'm a childCopy !req
22. and I just saw a commercial!Copy !req
23. Or maybe you don't want me
to haveCopy !req
24. a happy American Christmas.Copy !req
25. Of course I do.
But do you really notCopy !req
26. see that you're crassly
manifestingCopy !req
27. the very consumerism on
which Christmas is built?Copy !req
28. Chris, can you please
put the dog out?Copy !req
29. Yes, sir!Copy !req
30. Thank you, Chris.Copy !req
31. Hey!Copy !req
32. It's very cold out here.Copy !req
33. Okay, everyone, time to leave
for the traditionalCopy !req
34. town tree lighting ceremony.Copy !req
35. What's happening now?
I can't hear her.Copy !req
36. Sweet. Tree lighting.Copy !req
37. Guess that means it's showtime.Copy !req
38. Wait, what is this?Copy !req
39. Oh, nothing.Copy !req
40. Just my own traditionCopy !req
41. of putting
four dozen hard-boiled eggsCopy !req
42. in a Kroger bag and passing
them out at the tree lighting.Copy !req
43. Okay, we get it, Meg,
you're dark and different.Copy !req
44. Wow, Meg really is
dark and different.Copy !req
45. Yeah, they call me
"Meg the Egg."Copy !req
46. 'Cause of my big bag of eggs.Copy !req
47. I hope you guys
don't start calling me that,Copy !req
48. but you can if you want to.Copy !req
49. Oh, is this
the "Meg the Egg" thing?Copy !req
50. Yeah, no one's
on board with that.Copy !req
51. Whoa, Quahog!Copy !req
52. Whoa, there! Whoa!Copy !req
53. Whoa.Copy !req
54. Welcome, one and all,Copy !req
55. to the annual
tree lighting ceremony.Copy !req
56. All right, Meg the Egg!Copy !req
57. Huevo me!Copy !req
58. Mmm, perfect yolks this year.Copy !req
59. Four and a half minutes.Copy !req
60. Now, don't you worry, y'all will
have a chance to line upCopy !req
61. and meet Santy and let him
know what dry goods you need.Copy !req
62. And right here
in front of City Hall,Copy !req
63. I'm placing this wooden nativity
scene that I whittled myselfCopy !req
64. from a beech tree
what was rat-tailedCopy !req
65. by lightning in the recent
meteorological electricities.Copy !req
66. Oh, great, just what we need.Copy !req
67. A religious display
on government property.Copy !req
68. Can't believe this is what
my tax dollars are paying for.Copy !req
69. Last I heard, you
never paid taxes in your life.Copy !req
70. Only 'cause I've never made
enough money! Ha!Copy !req
71. Brian, I can laugh
at a lot of things,Copy !req
72. but Jesus Christ is
not two of them.Copy !req
73. Yeah, come on, Brian,
it's Christmas.Copy !req
74. Have an egg.
Enjoy yourself.Copy !req
75. Okay, now to light
the Christmas treeCopy !req
76. by telling this child's toyCopy !req
77. my mother's maiden name.Copy !req
78. Abernathy.Copy !req
79. Yay!
Very holiday data information!Copy !req
80. I guess Santa's
getting ready to rack upCopy !req
81. those frequent flyer miles, huh?Copy !req
82. Yeah, we all read
your tweets, Joe.Copy !req
83. Smash that "like" button.Copy !req
84. Hey, check it out, Peter,
it's Ebenezer Pooch.Copy !req
85. We should mess with him
by putting onlyCopy !req
86. Christmas songs on the jukebox.Copy !req
87. Cleveland, I got just the song.Copy !req
88. Wait, what the hell is this?Copy !req
89. Only the best
Christmas song ever.Copy !req
90. I tell you, no matter
when I hear this baby,Copy !req
91. I start smelling pine.Copy !req
92. Joe, this is not a holiday song.Copy !req
93. He never once
mentions Christmas!Copy !req
94. No, it's about Santa.Copy !req
95. All night long.Copy !req
96. On the highway...
delivering presents.Copy !req
97. The video takes place
in a field!Copy !req
98. In what is clearly summer!Copy !req
99. Quagmire,
many parts of the world areCopy !req
100. arid during the holy season.Copy !req
101. Including where Jesus was born.Copy !req
102. Or perhaps
the singer's Australian.Copy !req
103. He's not Australian!Copy !req
104. He name-checks Vancouver
in the song!Copy !req
105. A guy from Australia can't
know where Vancouver is?Copy !req
106. Feels kind of racist.Copy !req
107. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
108. Damn it, Joe! We're supposed
to be annoying Brian!Copy !req
109. Not this!Copy !req
110. Oh, okay, I get it.Copy !req
111. Everybody pile on the one personCopy !req
112. who actually sees the truth
about Christmas.Copy !req
113. You know, you guys know all—
what this holidayCopy !req
114. is all about, right?
It's all about this.Copy !req
115. The world's smallest violin?Copy !req
116. A scrotal massage?Copy !req
117. "Ah, just like
in the old country"?Copy !req
118. We're more word people
than gesture people.Copy !req
119. No! Money!Copy !req
120. It's all about money!Copy !req
121. Is Christmas really so awful?Copy !req
122. I don't know, I-I just—
I can't stand how everyone buysCopy !req
123. into this annual mass hypnosis.Copy !req
124. I mean, like, do not even get me
started on Christmas caroling.Copy !req
125. No, go ahead. I'm listening.Copy !req
126. No, that's-that's what I mean.Copy !req
127. Like, do not get me started.Copy !req
128. Trust me, you,
you will be here all night.Copy !req
129. I've got time. I'm officially
getting you started.Copy !req
130. - Name one thing.Copy !req
131. I mean, where do I start?Copy !req
132. The things I have to sayCopy !req
133. about caroling. It's like,
how long have you got?Copy !req
134. I've got all night, no one
to go home to— let's hear it.Copy !req
135. Yeah, okay... well, I mean,
first there's the...Copy !req
136. - you know, the singing.Copy !req
137. You know what, screw you guys!Copy !req
138. All right, screw Frosty!Copy !req
139. Screw Vince Guaraldi!Copy !req
140. Screw both Rankin and Bass!Copy !req
141. Well, I'm with him on Rankin,
but, come on, what did Bass do?Copy !req
142. Stupid Christmas.Copy !req
143. What kind of name is
Blitzen anyway, what is that?Copy !req
144. That's like— that's not
a name... it's a football...Copy !req
145. something.Copy !req
146. Aah! Son of a bitch!Copy !req
147. Oh, crap.
Why couldn't I have hitCopy !req
148. the court-ordered menorah
instead?Copy !req
149. Thank you!Copy !req
150. Aw, crap, this is bad,
this is bad.Copy !req
151. After all I said, they-they'll
probably call this a hate crime.Copy !req
152. I've just got
to hide the evidence.Copy !req
153. Ah, I wish someone was here
to try to take this from me,Copy !req
154. 'cause I'd be all like...Copy !req
155. No way, you! This is mine!Copy !req
156. Now where can I hide
an old, banged-up carCopy !req
157. where it'll just blend right in?Copy !req
158. I knew this would work.Copy !req
159. Especially after
that last flight I took.Copy !req
160. Spirit Airlines is
now boarding group whatever.Copy !req
161. Just start punching
until you're on an airplane.Copy !req
162. Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.Copy !req
163. Ho-ho-homeless manCopy !req
164. found dead in local alleyway.Copy !req
165. But first we're joined
live by Mayor Wild WestCopy !req
166. outside City Hall,
who reports that the townCopy !req
167. nativity scene he personally
whittled has gone missing.Copy !req
168. Mayor West, what can you
tell us about the disappearanceCopy !req
169. and also about
my contested parking ticket,Copy !req
170. and I'll remind you the tree
limb was blocking the sign.Copy !req
171. That tree was a hardwood,
Mr. Tucker,Copy !req
172. and there wouldn't have been
a leaf on it till mid-May.Copy !req
173. The printing
of the restricted timesCopy !req
174. was also faded,
and as to the investigation?Copy !req
175. Whoever took that
nativity scene best sleepCopy !req
176. with one eye open,
'cause I'm on your trail.Copy !req
177. And I'm gonna hunt you down
like the mightyCopy !req
178. grizzly hunts a Slim Jim left on
the dashboard of a Ford Taurus.Copy !req
179. I regret
that the West has changed.Copy !req
180. Ah, now I want a Slim Jim.
Slim Jim, anyone?Copy !req
181. Slim Jim? Never google
what's in it? Slim Jim?Copy !req
182. That's rather odd.
Who would steal...Copy !req
183. (high-
a nativity scene?Copy !req
184. Want to tell me
what's going on, champ?Copy !req
185. What? Nothing.Copy !req
186. Brian, I can tell when you're
lying, because your voice alwaysCopy !req
187. gets high at the end
of your sentences.Copy !req
188. That's nuts,
you don't know what you'reCopy !req
189. (high-
talking about!Copy !req
190. Okay, fine!Copy !req
191. Yes, it was me. I destroyed
the nativity scene with my car.Copy !req
192. But you've got to keep
your mouth shut about this.Copy !req
193. I could be in a lot of trouble.
I already hid the evidence.Copy !req
194. Did you at least do it right?Copy !req
195. You burned all the piecesCopy !req
196. and sank your car in a lake?Copy !req
197. No, I parked it in the
Spirit Airlines parking lot...Copy !req
198. Oh, because they all
drive crappy cars.Copy !req
199. That's smart, that's smart.
Well, not to worry.Copy !req
200. You and I will just leave townCopy !req
201. and start a new life together.Copy !req
202. What? What are you talking...?Copy !req
203. Look, we could buy
a house in CincinnatiCopy !req
204. for $43,000.Copy !req
205. Stewie, I'm not leaving town—
Wait, what, seriously?Copy !req
206. Yes, pretty big. Three bedrooms.
Hardwood floors.Copy !req
207. For $43,000? That's insane.Copy !req
208. - We could just pay that off.
- I know. You could haveCopy !req
209. that office you've
always wanted and we'd stillCopy !req
210. have an extra room for the baby.Copy !req
211. - What?
- Or-or a craft room.Copy !req
212. - Oh, crap, Who's that?Copy !req
213. Howdy, folks.Copy !req
214. Just seeing if I might ask
y'all a few questions.Copy !req
215. Hey, you're the man from the TV!Copy !req
216. Please come in,
I'm the man from the couch.Copy !req
217. Okay, quick, I need an alibi.Copy !req
218. Okay, last night
you and I were homeCopy !req
219. watching Dancing with the Stars
all night.Copy !req
220. That's actually what I was
doing all last night.Copy !req
221. I thought Tom Bergeron
had a great show.Copy !req
222. One of his better nights.
The guy's a pro.Copy !req
223. It's Tyra Banks now.Copy !req
224. Brian, I can't do this with you.Copy !req
225. And what about you, Peter?Copy !req
226. I hear you haven't been
brushing your teeth.Copy !req
227. - Yes, I have.
- All of 'em?Copy !req
228. - Most of 'em.
- Careful there.Copy !req
229. The teeth are the doorway
to the body.Copy !req
230. Now, then, can I speak to your
dog who hates Christmas?Copy !req
231. Ho-ho-ho! Who have we got here?Copy !req
232. Can I interest anyone
in a candy cane?Copy !req
233. None for me, thanks.Copy !req
234. Ho-ho-okay, your loss.
After all,Copy !req
235. it is the world's most dangerous
candy. The more you eat it,Copy !req
236. the sharper it gets,
but it's worth stabbingCopy !req
237. your own mouth for a sweet
that tastes like toothpaste.Copy !req
238. I mean, Season's Greetings!Copy !req
239. Brian, where were you last nightCopy !req
240. between 10:00 p. m. and midnight?Copy !req
241. Uh, let's see, uh,
food bank till 8:00.Copy !req
242. Uh, Love Actually...
again.Copy !req
243. And at no time did
I watch Tom BergeronCopy !req
244. on Dancing with the Stars
becauseCopy !req
245. that would be impossible.Copy !req
246. Hmm, that's very helpful.Copy !req
247. Oh, good, 'cause I-I hope
more than anyone the culpritCopy !req
248. who took your nativity scene
is brought to justice.Copy !req
249. I'm mighty glad to hear that.Copy !req
250. Matter of fact, I was thinking
a hound like you'dCopy !req
251. be just the thing to help
sniff out some new clues.Copy !req
252. - What do you say?
- Uh, yeah.Copy !req
253. In-in fact,
you came to the right guy.Copy !req
254. I was briefly
McGruff's sidekick.Copy !req
255. Ah, that's Jenny.Copy !req
256. - But that's not Jenny's dad.
- No, sir!Copy !req
257. If she gets into that car,Copy !req
258. that may be the last time
you'll see Jenny.Copy !req
259. - Yep!
- I'm McGruff the Crime Dog.Copy !req
260. And I'm Sergeant Bark,
because I bark at crime.Copy !req
261. See those kids?Copy !req
262. Every day in this country,Copy !req
263. 60 kids disappear.Copy !req
264. - Hey, the bikes fell.
- Some run away.Copy !req
265. - You want me to get the bikes?
- But a lot are kidnapped
by strangers.Copy !req
266. - McGruff? McGruff?
- Or even by people they know.Copy !req
267. - Do you want me
to pick up the...?
- So write to McGruff.Copy !req
268. - Oh, you're-you're giving
the address.
- And teach your kidsCopy !req
269. - to protect themselves.
- I'll get the bikes.Copy !req
270. - Help, uh,Copy !req
271. take a bite out of crime.Copy !req
272. And don't forget to bark at it.Copy !req
273. You know,
I've been thinking, Brian.Copy !req
274. Maybe the first thing
we ought to do isCopy !req
275. take an inventory
of what's missing.Copy !req
276. Could be there's
some clues in that.Copy !req
277. Yep, sure. Good thinking.Copy !req
278. Ah, you're a big Christmas guy.Copy !req
279. Remind me,
what's in a nativity scene?Copy !req
280. Nativity scene, sure. Uh, well,
you've got your drummer.Copy !req
281. Uh, probably a bassist, too.
Uh, Jesus, of course.Copy !req
282. Uh... Mr. Christ?Copy !req
283. I'm gonna say Santa,
then also the elves.Copy !req
284. Uh, the pig who makes friends
with a spider...Copy !req
285. writes, uh, nice things
in its web.Copy !req
286. S-S-S-Slater?Copy !req
287. Somebody-somebody named Slater?Copy !req
288. I think he's
from Saved by the Bell.Copy !req
289. Ah, I knew it sounded familiar,
but you know whoCopy !req
290. we should really be looking at?Copy !req
291. People in town who don't
even celebrate Christmas.Copy !req
292. Like-like... Mort Goldman!Copy !req
293. Boo! Boo, Brian!Copy !req
294. They've suffered enough. Boo.Copy !req
295. "Dear Santa,
thank you in advanceCopy !req
296. "for bringing me
a Happy Asking Panda.Copy !req
297. "I've been a very good boy
this year,Copy !req
298. "and while I understand you
'see me when I'm sleeping,'Copy !req
299. "I just want to say
that Rupert was the aggressor.Copy !req
300. "It may not have seemed that
way, but we had agreedCopy !req
301. "ahead of time
on a form of role playCopy !req
302. that would probably have seemed
confusing without that context."Copy !req
303. We interrupt this program
for breaking news.Copy !req
304. Good evening,
I'm holiday replacementCopy !req
305. anchor Edgar Chavez,
alone in the studioCopy !req
306. and having some trouble
locking down the camera.Copy !req
307. We now take you to a live
news conference at City Hall!Copy !req
308. Thank you all
for coming tonight.Copy !req
309. Uh, I think
the press conferences micsCopy !req
310. are still set
at standing height.Copy !req
311. I've still not learned who stoleCopy !req
312. - our town's nativity scene.Copy !req
313. Easy, Horse, easy.Copy !req
314. So until I get some answers,
as mayor,Copy !req
315. I'm officially canceling
Christmas in Quahog.Copy !req
316. Canceling Christmas?Copy !req
317. Now we'll never know
what's behindCopy !req
318. the last box
on the M&M advent calendar!Copy !req
319. It's M&M'S, Peter.Copy !req
320. - They've all been M&M'S.
- You don't know that!Copy !req
321. You ate my whole family,Copy !req
322. you fat bastard.Copy !req
323. One. More. Day.Copy !req
324. Joe? What are you doing here?Copy !req
325. Sorry, Peter, I'm on strict
orders from the mayorCopy !req
326. to confiscate
all the Christmas stuff in town.Copy !req
327. You heard him, Lois.
Hand over the Hallmark Channel.Copy !req
328. No Christmas means
no Happy Asking Panda.Copy !req
329. Stewie, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
330. But you got to understand
the position I'm in.Copy !req
331. I'll tell you this, Rupert.Copy !req
332. I shall not stand idly by
while our dogCopy !req
333. steals my dream
of a Happy Asking Panda.Copy !req
334. I may just have to send
a little text to our mayor.Copy !req
335. Yes, I did get a new phone case.Copy !req
336. It's Malibu Barbie
next to a palm tree.Copy !req
337. The man at the mall kiosk
said it was "girlish,"Copy !req
338. and I said, "Yeah?
Maybe I think she's hot."Copy !req
339. And he went, "Okay," and I went,
"What do you mean by 'Okay'?"Copy !req
340. And then he says,
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry.Copy !req
341. "I just came back from my wife's
oncologist appointment."Copy !req
342. And I said, "Oh, no.
What's wrong?" And he said,Copy !req
343. "Her melanoma's coming back."Copy !req
344. And I said, "I'm so sorry,
but they're makingCopy !req
345. advancements in treatment
every single day."Copy !req
346. And he goes, "I know,
you're right, but still."Copy !req
347. And I said, "Just hang
in there," and he says,Copy !req
348. "Shoot me your digits,
our story does notCopy !req
349. end here," so we're going
out to dinner on Friday.Copy !req
350. I love this case.Copy !req
351. Sir, as you requested,
I've transcribedCopy !req
352. all your text messages
onto pieces of dried cowhide.Copy !req
353. These just came in.Copy !req
354. "Spirit Airlines parking lit."Copy !req
355. "Parking lit."Copy !req
356. "Parking lit. Asterisk, lot.Copy !req
357. L-O-L."Copy !req
358. Looks like we got our man.Copy !req
359. And still plenty of time
to pick up Aunt Betty.Copy !req
360. Oh, you really didn't have
to do this.Copy !req
361. We both know I did.Copy !req
362. Brian, is there anything
you want to sayCopy !req
363. about the Baby Jesus-shaped dent
in the hood of your car?Copy !req
364. Oh, come on,
that doesn't prove anything!Copy !req
365. That could be any baby
I hit with my car!Copy !req
366. He was lying about Tom Bergeron
earlier. He had no idea.Copy !req
367. Why don't you open
the trunk for me?Copy !req
368. No way! No way!Copy !req
369. You didn't even hide
the evidence?Copy !req
370. Brian Griffin,
you're under arrest.Copy !req
371. Just for destroying
public propertyCopy !req
372. and fleeing the scene
of the crime?Copy !req
373. Why are we not leading
with drunk driving?Copy !req
374. I'm afraid I have
to take you to jail.Copy !req
375. Oh, no, not Brian!Copy !req
376. Do we get
the Hallmark Channel back?Copy !req
377. Jail? Are you kidding me?Copy !req
378. Wait a minute, you get three
square meals in jail, right?Copy !req
379. Well, I can't speak
for the shape,Copy !req
380. but the number sounds right.Copy !req
381. Griffin, visitor!Copy !req
382. Hey, Brian,
sorry about the sling.Copy !req
383. I got shot by an M&M.Copy !req
384. Anyway, how's Christmas Eve
in jail?Copy !req
385. You know what, it's great.Copy !req
386. At least it keeps me away
from all the phony joyCopy !req
387. and crass commercialism.Copy !req
388. Well, it's good
to see you haven't lostCopy !req
389. your lack of spirit.Copy !req
390. Well, it certainly is
great seeing you, Brian.Copy !req
391. Hey, guys, unfortunatelyCopy !req
392. visiting hours end at...Copy !req
393. 10:14.Copy !req
394. Aw! Aw!Copy !req
395. It's like we just got here, aw!Copy !req
396. Ah, best night's sleep
in a long time.Copy !req
397. I should spend Christmas
in jail every year.Copy !req
398. Stupid families having
stupid fun times together.Copy !req
399. Reminding themselves
their families are...Copy !req
400. filled with love.Copy !req
401. Huh, looks like Stewie got
that toy he wanted.Copy !req
402. A kid and his bear.Copy !req
403. What's more innocent than that?Copy !req
404. Aw, they got tennis balls
and junk?Copy !req
405. I don't even like stupidCopy !req
406. new Christmas tennis balls.Copy !req
407. - ♪ O come ye ♪
- I don't need Christmas.Copy !req
408. Why am I crying?Copy !req
409. The "penis" is right,Copy !req
410. I do miss my family.Copy !req
411. Oh, my God, what have I done?Copy !req
412. I've been so blind.Copy !req
413. Sure, Christmas is a commercial
holiday largely intendedCopy !req
414. to prop up a faltering economy,
but it's also about familyCopy !req
415. and togetherness
and the Hallmark Channel,Copy !req
416. which I admit
I watch all the time!Copy !req
417. Oh, my God, I love Christmas!Copy !req
418. And what happened then?Copy !req
419. Well, in prison they say,Copy !req
420. Brian's anus grew
three sizes that day.Copy !req
421. Brian... you are free to go.Copy !req
422. What? What do you mean?Copy !req
423. I just wanted you to learn
that while you thoughtCopy !req
424. it was everyone else who'd lost
the true meaning of Christmas,Copy !req
425. it was actually you all along.Copy !req
426. So why don't you head
outside to your family?Copy !req
427. I will.Copy !req
428. But first there's something
I've got to do.Copy !req
429. Ah?Copy !req
430. It's like you killed Him
all over again.Copy !req
431. Oh, Brian,
it's good to have you back.Copy !req
432. It wasn't Christmas without you.Copy !req
433. I'm happy to be back.Copy !req
434. And I'm happy
to have my tennis ball.Copy !req
435. Meg? Lois?
You got any more passwords?Copy !req
436. The panda loves 'em.Copy !req
437. The Griffin assets, sir.Copy !req
438. At last. $17?Copy !req
439. The bear cost $23 to make.Copy !req
440. Oh, no.Copy !req
441. Can't rob America
if America's broke!Copy !req
442. Merry Christmas, everyone!Copy !req